georgiapea
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,846
Jun 27, 2014 18:02:10 GMT
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Post by georgiapea on Jun 3, 2015 21:00:35 GMT
Since the other wives are going, you should be included in this year's trip. Next year the event can return to your DH going with his grown kids. Hopefully by then they will have 'grown up' and welcome you being part of the group.
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Post by PepsiGal on Jun 3, 2015 21:02:57 GMT
Go and enjoy yourself. The kids are grown and they can go or stay. I'm a step-mom myself of 33 years and we are get along including the ex-wife. Good luck!!!!!!
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Post by marysue63 on Jun 3, 2015 21:28:46 GMT
It is easy to say "go. They are immature and need to grow up" Then on the flip side peas will tell you 20 year olds can't be expected to act mature and be responsible. They still need mom packing their bags, matching their ties, fixing their meals and bailing them out. There is a reality. The boys didn't spend a year dating you. They haven't spent a year married to you. From what it sounds like they didn't even met you until the wedding was a done deal. Hardly the best way to blend a family. No matter what it IS hard on them to see their dad with another woman AND another child. They know what dad treated them like at 14, 15, 16 and it likely wasn't a kind as he treats your dd now. So they have spend a few hours with you. Hardly time to build a relationship for a week end trip. But go. Your husband has already severely damaged his relationship with his sons. And you'd rather write them off as immature and not worth trying to understand. So no loss to either of you.
So a couple of things - yes, of course his kids were invited to the wedding but they chose not to attend. We wished they would have been there but understood why it might be weird for them. We knew within a month that we were going to get married and did try to develop a relationship with his kids but they weren't ready for that. I finally met DSD 2-3 months before we got married but never did meet his sons until after.
We invite the two (who aren't in the Army) to many, many events. Usually the DSD will attend, the DSS refuses. DH also meets DSD for lunch or coffee to give her some alone time. DH makes the same offer to DSS who refuses. DH suggested going to counseling with DSS, he refuses. So you can see that we are making an effort and would welcome him anytime he wants to see his dad. I understand that it's uncomfortable and weird, but I also don't see how it can get any better without some effort on his part. Having dinner with us can't be all that bad...
I'm not sure how they would know how he treats my DD since they are never around to see it, but yes, I'm sure it IS different than it was with them. There were financial problems and certainly stress from an unhappy marriage. But I'm not going to feel guilty that he learned from his past mistakes and is trying to be a better father this time around.
For the record I DID offer to not go so his sons could go (DSD isn't sure yet). DH is agonizing over the situation because either way someone is going to be hurt. But thankfully I'm mature enough to handle the disappointment and won't hold it against him.
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tiffanytwisted
Pearl Clutcher
you can check out any time you like, but you can never leave
Posts: 4,538
Jun 26, 2014 15:57:39 GMT
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Post by tiffanytwisted on Jun 3, 2015 22:03:22 GMT
Part of me thinks if you back out and let them go, they win and every time there a family event they are going to expect you to back out. This was my first thought, too. And after reading your update, I definitely think that would be the case. If it was guys only, then I would say stay home. Since the others who usually go are including their wives this time, then I say go and have fun. His sons are choosing not to go (which seems to be pretty common w/them), so they can live w/their decision. Next year, when it will probably go back to being a guys' weekend, you can bow out. I'm not a big racing fan either, but Indy is an amazing experience. You really should go. Have a great time!
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Post by freecharlie on Jun 3, 2015 22:14:40 GMT
Did the first marriage end because if infidelity?
It really sounds like dss isn't ready yet. That is on him. Continue to invite them, but don't change your plans for them
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 17:23:48 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 3, 2015 22:16:32 GMT
You go and have a blast. The young men are adults and making their own decisions. If they want to punish themselves by staying home, well then that's their own fault - not yours.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 17:23:48 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 3, 2015 22:16:48 GMT
The grown children seem overly negative about your relationship with their father. It's a little strange - they're in their twenties, the time-line shows no cheating, you seem like a nice gal...I don't get why they don't want to see their father be happy. There's got to be more to the story. And at 2peas, there usually is. In any event, I'd go. Bond with the other couples, get tipsy, have fun.
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Post by eebud on Jun 3, 2015 22:49:31 GMT
The difference between last year and next year is that last year was a boys' trip. Next year is a family trip. You have every right to go and share the experience with your husband. If the adult boys are that opposed to you, not going on that trip isn't going to make a difference and frankly at some point, they just need to get over it - at least to the extent that they won't even be around you. They aren't looking for an olive branch. They want you to go away and are prepared to stomp their feet and hold their breath until they get what they want. Getting their way is more important to them than their relationship with their father. Someday that may change, but until then, it's on them. I agree with Burning Feather. It is a family trip coming up next year. Everyone else is going as a family. If this had been an ongoing boys trip for many years, I might say that I would back out and let it continue to be a boys trip even though everyone else was going as a family. But, it sounds like your DH took them once. I am also HUGE on parents having one-on-one time with their children (adult or not) without the stepparent. I always encourage this with DH and his sons as well as I get my one-on-one time with my DS. But, if we were trying to plan a family vacation, everyone would be included and if any of the adult kids decided to stay home, that was their choice. Sadly for us, it is almost impossible to plan anything to have everyone together in the same place at the same time. Living in 3 different states with different work schedules and other commitments, it just doesn't happen. If there is any way for your DH to talk his sons into going, I hope he will do that.
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cycworker
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,387
Jun 26, 2014 0:42:38 GMT
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Post by cycworker on Jun 3, 2015 22:51:08 GMT
I think you need to stay home. Your husband needs that time with his son. You don't even like racing, and frankly, to the young man, you going to the race with them likely just comes across as one more thing you're taking from him.
It's never easy when parents split up. You need to give these kids a chance to adjust. It takes time.
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Post by Miss Lerins Momma on Jun 3, 2015 23:16:50 GMT
They are adults. They can choose if they want to go or not. I wouldn't back out so that they will go. If you want to go, then go. They can choose to be adults if they want too... it would be different if their dad left their mom for you. But he didn't. I wouldn't even give it a second thought. I'd go if I wanted too.
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Post by Zee on Jun 3, 2015 23:20:50 GMT
Big babies. But I'd never enjoy myself at a race so I'd gladly let him go with them, without me, and I'd do something else with DD.
If it was something I really enjoyed, I'd go and let them enjoy cutting off their noses to spite their faces.
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mallie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,253
Jul 3, 2014 18:13:13 GMT
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Post by mallie on Jun 3, 2015 23:24:02 GMT
Personally, if it were me? I would back out and let the kids go with their dad. Yes, they are adults but they are YOUNG adults and divorce stings when you are a kid, no matter how old you are. This cold be a way for them to see that you are willing to take a back seat to their relationship with their dad (sometimes) I get the impression that his kids are wounded still and, even though it is totally unfair,are using you as the target for their hurt and frustration. This might be a way for you to bridge the gap with them. That is just what I would do, but should you choose to go...have fun and DO NOT feel guilty! Best wishes on your decision, it isn't an easy one. Or they could learn that when they pout and take their marbles and go home, the stepmother will back off and they get daddy all to themselves. So they'll do it again and again and again. The above is based upon my observations watching when my grandfather and FIL remarried (after their wives died). Both 2nd wives made the mistake of doing what the above suggests and it was like the kids were waiting for that to happen and in both cases, WWIII ensued because the kids now felt they had a toehold to break up the 2nd marriages.
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likescarrots
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,879
Aug 16, 2014 17:52:53 GMT
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Post by likescarrots on Jun 4, 2015 0:06:25 GMT
How do we know they are pouting and throwing temper tantrums? Maybe they just decided they don't want to go with their father's new wife,and that's that? There's nothing wrong with deciding you don't want to be in the same place as another person. It doesn't mean you're throwing a tantrum or acting like a child or anything else.
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Post by nightnurse on Jun 4, 2015 0:34:50 GMT
If you really want to go, and would be hurt or resentful at staying behind, you go and don't feel guilty. The boys are old enough to know the world doesn't revolve around them and their comfort level, they were given the choice, there will be other wives there. However, if it's not that important to you, then you can tell your husband that you are willing to stay home if he wants. Just be sure that if he takes you up on the offer, you won't secretly be upset. I agree with the others that there is no perfect answer in this situation.
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Post by christine58 on Jun 4, 2015 0:38:59 GMT
If you decide not to go--which I hope you don't---plan something fun for your DD and DH and you to do at some point. Those DSS are fun suckers...
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Post by freecharlie on Jun 4, 2015 0:41:39 GMT
Big babies. But I'd never enjoy myself at a race so I'd gladly let him go with them, without me, and I'd do something else with DD. If it was something I really enjoyed, I'd go and let them enjoy cutting off their noses to spite their faces. I would often agree with this, but I think in this instance it is more than just the race. It is the whole experience and is something that isn't likely to be repeated.
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AnotherPea
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,969
Jan 4, 2015 1:47:52 GMT
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Post by AnotherPea on Jun 4, 2015 0:56:43 GMT
Why did your husband tell you their reasons for declining the offer? How would sharing that information help build a relationship?
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tincin
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,378
Jul 25, 2014 4:55:32 GMT
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Post by tincin on Jun 4, 2015 1:05:57 GMT
If you had been the cause of the divorce I could understand their apprehension about being with you and your DH when you are together. The only way they will get used to it is to do it. They need to suck it up and deal with it and eventually they probably will. I say you should go with your DH and DD and just be sure to be open and friendly when you are dealing with them. Good luck.
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Peal
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,524
Jun 25, 2014 22:45:40 GMT
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Post by Peal on Jun 4, 2015 1:15:13 GMT
Why did your husband tell you their reasons for declining the offer? How would sharing that information help build a relationship? Probably because he was hurt by his boys rejection of the offer to spend time with their father and their rejection of the woman he has chosen to spend the rest of his life with, so he went to his wife for comfort. You know, like most people do in a healthy relationship. I think it's a tough situation to be in. I honestly don't know what I would do.
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Post by Jennifer C on Jun 4, 2015 1:15:22 GMT
Just go and enjoy. I don't deal well with adults that pout and it sounds like that's what your stepson's are doing.
Your husband needs to sit down with them. If they disrespect you now by not wanting to be around their dad with you, then how far will they take the disrespect.
It's time to nip this in the bud.
Jennifer
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tracylynn
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,899
Jun 26, 2014 22:49:09 GMT
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Post by tracylynn on Jun 4, 2015 4:04:08 GMT
But go. Your husband has already severely damaged his relationship with his sons. And you'd rather write them off as immature and not worth trying to understand. So no loss to either of you. What an unfair thing to say. We only know the little bit that she's shared and there is nothing in what she said that would lead anyone to believe that she's written them off or that her DH has damaged his relationship. They are in their 20's, it's time to grow up and become the men they probably claim to be. If this was a boys trip, I would agree, she should back out and stay home. But it's a family trip. She shouldn't be made to feel guilty about going.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 17:23:48 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 4, 2015 4:39:05 GMT
But go. Your husband has already severely damaged his relationship with his sons. And you'd rather write them off as immature and not worth trying to understand. So no loss to either of you. What an unfair thing to say. We only know the little bit that she's shared and there is nothing in what she said that would lead anyone to believe that she's written them off or that her DH has damaged his relationship. They are in their 20's, it's time to grow up and become the men they probably claim to be. If this was a boys trip, I would agree, she should back out and stay home. But it's a family trip. She shouldn't be made to feel guilty about going. His sons shouldn't be made to feel guilty or be called "immature", "childish" and everything else peas have called them for choosing to not go. Adults get to choose who they hang out with. If they don't want to hang out with dad's second wife that is their choice as an adult. If they don't want to hang out with dad that is there choice. This trip has always been a guy trip until this year. Now suddenly it is a family trip... with a family they don't feel a part of. They get to choose as ADULTS whether or not they want to be part of this family. No one thought to ask them before the wedding. Sounds like they are choosing not to be part. Which is their rights as adults. I do have a very good idea how this ends. Because my ex and his wife do the same stupid stuff to our kids (adults) The kids have decided it isn't worth the effort. My ex has no idea where in the world one of his sons lives, whether he went to college or not, married or not, has kids or not. The other two keep contact to a minimum. He hasn't seen them in close to 5 years. Wife 2 couldn't stand to let dad and sons have some time alone. She had to always make her presence known. She expected them to be like small kids who are court ordered to go to dad. Doesn't work that way when the kids aren't kids.
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Post by dreamer on Jun 4, 2015 4:41:18 GMT
GO!
the boys have been! It's your turn!
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Post by Lindarina on Jun 4, 2015 8:15:43 GMT
I would consider letting them have this trip with their father.
1.They might warm up to you when they see that you are considering their feelings. 2. When they see that all the other men brought their wifes, and their father is without his they migh see their own actions in a new light.
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AnotherPea
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,969
Jan 4, 2015 1:47:52 GMT
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Post by AnotherPea on Jun 4, 2015 11:15:20 GMT
Why did your husband tell you their reasons for declining the offer? How would sharing that information help build a relationship? Probably because he was hurt by his boys rejection of the offer to spend time with their father and their rejection of the woman he has chosen to spend the rest of his life with, so he went to his wife for comfort. You know, like most people do in a healthy relationship. I think it's a tough situation to be in. I honestly don't know what I would do. In my healthy relationship we don't turn to a spouse and make him/her feel bad just so we can feel better. To each his own, I guess.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 17:23:48 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 4, 2015 12:09:55 GMT
i personally would let the boys go and if they don't want to then i would go i tried to organize one on one time with my dad once when he had a new girlfriend and i was forced to invite her i saw his point but at the same time i felt that new relationships in my parents lives always meant i and my siblings had to suck it up constantly just once i didn't want to suck it up, i just wanted to take my dad to this one concert but noooooooooooo over time no doubt the relationship will mellow but it doesn't hurt once in a while for the kids to not have to suck it up
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scrappington
Pearl Clutcher
in Canada
Posts: 3,139
Jun 26, 2014 14:43:10 GMT
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Post by scrappington on Jun 4, 2015 15:46:57 GMT
Coming from a broken home and married to someone from a broken home we have 4 families. You know what I don't like some of my step family and what have you...but its not my decision who my parent decided to be with. I was good with their divorce they hated each other. I can't say they made better choices now, but I suck it up.
The divorce I assume didn't come out of the blue and kids know when things are not right at home. So these kids are not shocked by their parents being together.
They have issues with the dad not the new wife. Who knows what he was like growing up. But if they want to be the bigger person and work on their relationship then so be it. If not they won't. The husband will have to come to terms with it. The step mom can only do her part making her home welcoming and being patient.
You are in a no win situation.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 17:23:48 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 4, 2015 16:28:50 GMT
Probably because he was hurt by his boys rejection of the offer to spend time with their father and their rejection of the woman he has chosen to spend the rest of his life with, so he went to his wife for comfort. You know, like most people do in a healthy relationship. I think it's a tough situation to be in. I honestly don't know what I would do. In my healthy relationship we don't turn to a spouse and make him/her feel bad just so we can feel better. To each his own, I guess. Meow. That's harsh.
There's a difference between ranting and raving "my sons don't want to come because of YOU" and a spouse saying "I don't know what I can do to make my children accept the divorce and that I have moved forward with my life." It's pretty likely that the OP knows why the boys declined without even being told since they have a habit of it in the past.
Loosen the judgy pants a little.
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Post by pierkiss on Jun 4, 2015 16:37:11 GMT
You should go and have fun with your hisband. He invited the boys, and they backed out for their own reasons.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 17:23:48 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 4, 2015 16:53:22 GMT
Part of me says you go and have fun, they made their choice.
But the other part of me can't get over the fact that they didn't even meet you before you married their dad. Yes, they are adults, but young adults and frankly, that's just strange. We don't know why you never met them, but I can see that creating some pretty hard feelings about the marriage. Not to mention this is something they've done with their dad in the past that's fundamentally changing. Regardless of who else is going along from other families, I wouldn't be super keen on a trip that had historically been a dad and sons trip now including the new wife and her 14 year old daughter. That just doesn't sound fun to me AT ALL, from the sons' perspective.
We don't know nearly enough about how this all transpired to know if they are being bratty or not.
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