tduby1
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,979
Jun 27, 2014 18:32:45 GMT
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Post by tduby1 on Jun 5, 2015 17:44:40 GMT
It is easy to say "go. They are immature and need to grow up" Then on the flip side peas will tell you 20 year olds can't be expected to act mature and be responsible. They still need mom packing their bags, matching their ties, fixing their meals and bailing them out. There is a reality. The boys didn't spend a year dating you. They haven't spent a year married to you. From what it sounds like they didn't even met you until the wedding was a done deal. Hardly the best way to blend a family. No matter what it IS hard on them to see their dad with another woman AND another child. They know what dad treated them like at 14, 15, 16 and it likely wasn't a kind as he treats your dd now. So they have spend a few hours with you. Hardly time to build a relationship for a week end trip. But go. Your husband has already severely damaged his relationship with his sons. And you'd rather write them off as immature and not worth trying to understand. So no loss to either of you. I'm not sure how they would know how he treats my DD since they are never around to see it, but yes, I'm sure it IS different than it was with them. There were financial problems and certainly stress from an unhappy marriage. But I'm not going to feel guilty that he learned from his past mistakes and is trying to be a better father this time around.
I was with you, I was, until this. Then you lost me. He is NOT your daughter's father. He is a THEIR father. He has known your daughter two years. He is not her father. And as long as you insist he is you and your dh don't stand a chance with his kids.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Jun 5, 2015 18:07:55 GMT
I'm not sure how they would know how he treats my DD since they are never around to see it, but yes, I'm sure it IS different than it was with them. There were financial problems and certainly stress from an unhappy marriage. But I'm not going to feel guilty that he learned from his past mistakes and is trying to be a better father this time around.
I was with you, I was, until this. Then you lost me. He is NOT your daughter's father. He is a THEIR father. He has known your daughter two years. He is not her father. And as long as you insist he is you and your dh don't stand a chance with his kids. As a stepmom, I disagree with you. I don't think that me taking an active role with my stepkids takes anything away from my children. There is room for many people to love and raise a child. Maybe her daughter's biological father is a deadbeat and her new husband is the only role model she has. At the very least, she lives with this man so I think it's good that he would take on a fatherly role with her. I want my kids to have the same kind of respect for my DH as they do for me and their dad. He is a role model and a parental figure. All stepparents are. I think as a stepparent, I wouldn't be doing my job if I kept my DH's kids at arm's length simply because they aren't biologically my children. Maybe it's just my family, but I feel like I am blessed to have 3 stepchildren and I feel like I need to do all I can to add value to their lives too. And it really works for my family. Just the other night I was having a one on one dinner with my 15 year old DD and she said to me how lucky she is to have good stepparents. She was talking about one of her friends and how that girl has a terrible stepmother. I am glad my kids have a good relationship with my DH and their dad's wife.
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tduby1
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,979
Jun 27, 2014 18:32:45 GMT
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Post by tduby1 on Jun 5, 2015 18:14:49 GMT
I was with you, I was, until this. Then you lost me. He is NOT your daughter's father. He is a THEIR father. He has known your daughter two years. He is not her father. And as long as you insist he is you and your dh don't stand a chance with his kids. As a stepmom, I disagree with you. I don't think that me taking an active role with my stepkids takes anything away from my children. There is room for many people to love and raise a child. Maybe her daughter's biological father is a deadbeat and her new husband is the only role model she has. At the very least, she lives with this man so I think it's good that he would take on a fatherly role with her. I want my kids to have the same kind of respect for my DH as they do for me and their dad. He is a role model and a parental figure. All stepparents are. I think as a stepparent, I wouldn't be doing my job if I kept my DH's kids at arm's length simply because they aren't biologically my children. Maybe it's just my family, but I feel like I am blessed to have 3 stepchildren and I feel like I need to do all I can to add value to their lives too. And it really works for my family. Just the other night I was having a one on one dinner with my 15 year old DD and she said to me how lucky she is to have good stepparents. She was talking about one of her friends and how that girl has a terrible stepmother. I am glad my kids have a good relationship with my DH and their dad's wife. But the fact remains, he is her step dad, not dad. There is a distinction, especially at two years in. ETA: I am very aware of the mechanics of a blended family. If it isn't done carefully it will backfire.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Jun 5, 2015 18:25:39 GMT
As a stepmom, I disagree with you. I don't think that me taking an active role with my stepkids takes anything away from my children. There is room for many people to love and raise a child. Maybe her daughter's biological father is a deadbeat and her new husband is the only role model she has. At the very least, she lives with this man so I think it's good that he would take on a fatherly role with her. I want my kids to have the same kind of respect for my DH as they do for me and their dad. He is a role model and a parental figure. All stepparents are. I think as a stepparent, I wouldn't be doing my job if I kept my DH's kids at arm's length simply because they aren't biologically my children. Maybe it's just my family, but I feel like I am blessed to have 3 stepchildren and I feel like I need to do all I can to add value to their lives too. And it really works for my family. Just the other night I was having a one on one dinner with my 15 year old DD and she said to me how lucky she is to have good stepparents. She was talking about one of her friends and how that girl has a terrible stepmother. I am glad my kids have a good relationship with my DH and their dad's wife. But the fact remains, he is her step dad, not dad. There is a distinction, especially at two years in. I hope you don't take this as arguing because I certainly don't mean it that way. I am just sharing my experience. But as far as I am concerned, the only difference here is the title. Because a good stepfather, IMO, is one who will step up to the plate and act the same way a father would. And I don't see how her DH acting fatherly with her DD would have any bearing on his own children's relationship with their dad or their stepmom. Why would his children be upset over this? Jealousy? If that's the case, then he needs to step up his game with his own kids, as well. I do think marysue has more of a challenge as his kids are already adults. I think you have a lot of exposure to stepchildren when they are younger and live with you part of the time than when they are grown and on their own. There is more opportunity for family time when they are younger so I do think her position is tougher than mine in some ways.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 17:28:04 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2015 18:26:58 GMT
Probably because he was hurt by his boys rejection of the offer to spend time with their father and their rejection of the woman he has chosen to spend the rest of his life with, so he went to his wife for comfort. You know, like most people do in a healthy relationship. I think it's a tough situation to be in. I honestly don't know what I would do. In my healthy relationship we don't turn to a spouse and make him/her feel bad just so we can feel better. To each his own, I guess. In my relationship, we tell each other everything. We're in this together and wouldn't survive it without total honesty.
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tduby1
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,979
Jun 27, 2014 18:32:45 GMT
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Post by tduby1 on Jun 5, 2015 18:45:14 GMT
But the fact remains, he is her step dad, not dad. There is a distinction, especially at two years in. I hope you don't take this as arguing because I certainly don't mean it that way. I am just sharing my experience. But as far as I am concerned, the only difference here is the title. Because a good stepfather, IMO, is one who will step up to the plate and act the same way a father would. And I don't see how her DH acting fatherly with her DD would have any bearing on his own children's relationship with their dad or their stepmom. Why would his children be upset over this? Jealousy? If that's the case, then he needs to step up his game with his own kids, as well. I do think marysue has more of a challenge as his kids are already adults. I think you have a lot of exposure to stepchildren when they are younger and live with you part of the time than when they are grown and on their own. There is more opportunity for family time when they are younger so I do think her position is tougher than mine in some ways. Oh I don't think you are arguing. I don't disagree that a good step parent can be a good role model. And him acting "fatherly" is not a bad thing. I, think though, even with adults, you tread on dangerous ground when you start saying or even implying he is her "father" at two years in, a year married. It certainly would be much easier to do if he didn't have children of his own. I would have been much more comfortable to her referring to his role as her daughter's step father. I'm 40+ and shallow enough to admit if my dad lost his brains, left my mom and married a girl who started implying he was her 14 year olds father I'd not be inclined to stick around much. And I am not above sharing my parents. I have 12 brothers and sisters, over half adopted and a brother from my dads first marriage who does refer to my mom as mombut it took many years and a total breakdown of his relationship with his mom, as an adult, for them to arrive there. Meaning, it was his choice, not imposed. I am not saying that is the situation with the OP but i did find the wording uncomfortable.
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Post by bc2ca on Jun 5, 2015 19:29:49 GMT
Part of me says you go and have fun, they made their choice. But the other part of me can't get over the fact that they didn't even meet you before you married their dad. Yes, they are adults, but young adults and frankly, that's just strange. We don't know why you never met them, but I can see that creating some pretty hard feelings about the marriage. Not to mention this is something they've done with their dad in the past that's fundamentally changing. Regardless of who else is going along from other families, I wouldn't be super keen on a trip that had historically been a dad and sons trip now including the new wife and her 14 year old daughter. That just doesn't sound fun to me AT ALL, from the sons' perspective. We don't know nearly enough about how this all transpired to know if they are being bratty or not. I think marysue63 explained in her first and subsequent post that the stepkids felt dad moved on too fast and didn't want to meet her and chose not to come to the wedding. I can't help but wonder what the ex-wife's roll in this is. From the first post, last year was the first time he took the boys to the Indy so this isn't an annual boys trip. We have a relative that divorced when his three kids were a year or so younger than your stepkids and they did everything to sabotage any new relationship their dad got into. When he did remarry, stepmom came with 2 kids, and the original 3 were just nasty. It honestly took them until they were married and had their own families to realize what jerks they had been. I hope your stepkids come around quicker, but I would be going on the Indy trip.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Jun 5, 2015 19:51:43 GMT
bc2ca, I am thinking that you are right and am betting the exwife is harboring some ill feelings about the divorce too and the kids are feeling very defensive and protective of their mother. My DH's exwife never misses an opportunity to criticize me and it was hard at first for me to form a relationship with his oldest daughter. The thing is, she was forced to come to our house, so she was forced to get to know me and it took about a year, but she eventually came around. One day, when the littlest one was about 4, we were getting ready to take them back to their mother's house and my DH had asked me to ride along. The little one said, "why are you coming?" And I said, "to keep daddy company on the ride home." And she looked at me and said, "you know, my mom kind of hates you." It did hurt that even at 4 years old, she was getting that kind of message. The good thing is that I have been around since she was about a year and a half old so she may have been hearing those messages at home, but she was forced to interact with me when they come to our house. I am able to counterbalance what they get told. Marysue doesn't have that kind of exposure to her stepkids so I imagine it's harder to overcome.
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Post by traceys on Jun 5, 2015 21:24:43 GMT
I hope you don't take this as arguing because I certainly don't mean it that way. I am just sharing my experience. But as far as I am concerned, the only difference here is the title. Because a good stepfather, IMO, is one who will step up to the plate and act the same way a father would. And I don't see how her DH acting fatherly with her DD would have any bearing on his own children's relationship with their dad or their stepmom. Why would his children be upset over this? Jealousy? If that's the case, then he needs to step up his game with his own kids, as well. I do think marysue has more of a challenge as his kids are already adults. I think you have a lot of exposure to stepchildren when they are younger and live with you part of the time than when they are grown and on their own. There is more opportunity for family time when they are younger so I do think her position is tougher than mine in some ways. Oh I don't think you are arguing. I don't disagree that a good step parent can be a good role model. And him acting "fatherly" is not a bad thing. I, think though, even with adults, you tread on dangerous ground when you start saying or even implying he is her "father" at two years in, a year married. It certainly would be much easier to do if he didn't have children of his own. I would have been much more comfortable to her referring to his role as her daughter's step father. I'm 40+ and shallow enough to admit if my dad lost his brains, left my mom and married a girl who started implying he was her 14 year olds father I'd not be inclined to stick around much. And I am not above sharing my parents. I have 12 brothers and sisters, over half adopted and a brother from my dads first marriage who does refer to my mom as mombut it took many years and a total breakdown of his relationship with his mom, as an adult, for them to arrive there. Meaning, it was his choice, not imposed. I am not saying that is the situation with the OP but i did find the wording uncomfortable. I don't think y'all are disagreeing so much as looking at it from different perspectives....jeremysgirl from the parent role and tduby1 from the son's perspective. What at stands out to me (and might be coloring the sons view) is the comment that he (dad) learned from his mistakes and is now going to be a better father. This might suggest that he does things with/for her daughter that he did not/would not do with the boys. I can see where this kind of thing could ruffle their feathers.
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