|
Post by anxiousmom on Jul 7, 2015 13:50:28 GMT
I am one of those who never knows the right thing to say. I know that there is no way that there are words that can come close to what I really want to say. I am sure that I muck it up and it loses something in the translation. This is the point where I hope that my intent comes through. I feel like it if I say I am sorry for your loss, it sounds so trite and insincere...but what I really mean is that I can not even begin to understand your grief and I am heartbroken for you and the loss of the anchor in your life. But even that doesn't do it really. ![:crying:](//storage.proboards.com/5645536/images/t4lmEAqHtTO6q6ksSmvP.jpg)
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 25, 2024 6:46:37 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 7, 2015 14:01:33 GMT
Well I didn't read the post, but I also think you are an amazing person! As for my what not to do? Don't cook bacon topless. Ouch. ![:laugh:](//storage.proboards.com/5645536/images/Ivm7lm0DayrhoRpwvCeH.jpg) Hah! I will tell you one thing only because it actually made me laugh. Don't compare the death of your pet to the death of a loved one. No matter how much you love your dog and it's a member of your family. Just don't. It won't come off well. Oh my. No, it certainly isn't the same and certainly not the thing to say. I've found that most people just don't know what to say in these times and so they reach for anything they can. In my twenties, I remember when my grandmother was dying..I went to go see her one last time and I knew it was the last time and that within hours, she would be gone. I sat there holding her hand and talked about work. WORK. I still beat myself up over it. I did tell her I loved her and all but I couldn't bring myself to say goodbye. And see, here I am telling you about my pain, when I can't even imagine the pain you are feeling. I'm praying for you every day. And yes, say no to bacon and boobs.
|
|
J u l e e
Drama Llama
![*](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/stars/star_green.png)
Posts: 6,531
Location: Cincinnati
Jun 28, 2014 2:50:47 GMT
|
Post by J u l e e on Jul 7, 2015 15:46:58 GMT
I am horrible with words. And with grief. Finding words when someone is grieving - HORRIBLE. I find myself at a complete loss. And I even hate that I have to rely on grace, from grieving people, for my awful attempts at showing up for them. But I know that being silent sucks. So I try. And I recognize the painful attempts of others. Even when some of it still stings years later. It's truly one of those messy things of life.
(((HUGS)))
|
|
|
Post by utmr on Jul 7, 2015 15:52:19 GMT
I missed the OP but I can't imagine your being ugly. You have handled this situation with such grace and dignity. If you need a safe place to vent, this is a good one.
I didn't say it on the other thread, but I am so sorry for your loss. Fred was a wonderful man who will be greatly missed. May his memory be a comfort.
|
|
MorningPerson
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,510
Location: Central Pennsylvania
Jul 4, 2014 21:35:44 GMT
|
Post by MorningPerson on Jul 7, 2015 15:52:55 GMT
In my twenties, I remember when my grandmother was dying..I went to go see her one last time and I knew it was the last time and that within hours, she would be gone. I sat there holding her hand and talked about work. WORK. I still beat myself up over it. I did tell her I loved her and all but I couldn't bring myself to say goodbye. See, this is one I'm going to take exception with. I'm a new grandmother, and I can imagine nothing better on my last day than having my grandchild sit with me and tell me about their day. Let this one go @carblover443. ![:love:](//storage.proboards.com/5645536/images/W4b_Om5roEadLiOzGo_l.jpg)
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 25, 2024 6:46:37 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 7, 2015 15:55:32 GMT
I've dealt with more than my fair share of death and loss and have heard countless stupid things. What finally helped me not explode was to realize that as thoughtless as they were, they meant well, and they probably didn't have the experience with loss to help them know better, so in a way I was glad for them that they DIDN'T really have any perspective because it meant they hadn't gone through that kind of grief. Looking at it that way made me stop wanting to pop someone.
But that doesn't make whatever they said ok, and I'm sorry that you're having to endure pain induced by this on top of your already great pain.
Lots of people begin a phrase intended to console with "at least...." I know that no matter what the "at least," even a very good "at least," you'd still rather have your Fred back and that's ok. We're missing him with you and for you. I'm so sorry for your loss. He sounds like he was a great man and he left a wonderful legacy. The way you speak of him speaks to his goodness, and to the great love you shared.
|
|
|
Post by lucyg on Jul 7, 2015 16:02:53 GMT
I'm sorry people have upset you. They do mean well. Try to save it all up as stuff you can laugh about later on (and bring to the peas ... it's okay) (although I didn't see the OP, so maybe it was really beyond the pale) and not let it really hurt. I'll tell you one thing ... I know people said some weird things to me when my DH died, but 20 years on, I really don't remember who said what. What I do remember is the people I thought were friends that I never heard a word from. Ever again. ![:thumbdown:](//storage.proboards.com/5645536/images/SCylSBljj3e3QKjxF2vn.jpg)
|
|
|
Post by Darcy Collins on Jul 7, 2015 16:13:48 GMT
I've dealt with more than my fair share of death and loss and have heard countless stupid things. What finally helped me not explode was to realize that as thoughtless as they were, they meant well, and they probably didn't have the experience with loss to help them know better, so in a way I was glad for them that they DIDN'T really have any perspective because it meant they hadn't gone through that kind of grief. Looking at it that way made me stop wanting to pop someone. But that doesn't make whatever they said ok, and I'm sorry that you're having to endure pain induced by this on top of your already great pain. Lots of people begin a phrase intended to console with "at least...." I know that no matter what the "at least," even a very good "at least," you'd still rather have your Fred back and that's ok. We're missing him with you and for you. I'm so sorry for your loss. He sounds like he was a great man and he left a wonderful legacy. The way you speak of him speaks to his goodness, and to the great love you shared. Some people also just deal with grief differently. My husband cringed at a few things his immediate family said when his Dad died. It wasn't that they hadn't experienced the loss, it's just that their perspective was different. The "better place" is a good example. His mother took great comfort in her husband of almost 50 years being in a better place and said it A LOT. There's no doubt at all she was in pain and grieving and that provided comfort to her. Unfortunately, my husband doesn't have the same faith in an afterlife as his mother, and so those words offered zero comfort to him and at times were down right abrasive.
|
|
|
Post by christine58 on Jul 7, 2015 16:14:55 GMT
I am one of those who never knows the right thing to say. I know that there is no way that there are words that can come close to what I really want to say. I am sure that I muck it up and it loses something in the translation. This is the point where I hope that my intent comes through. I feel like it if I say I am sorry for your loss, it sounds so trite and insincere...but what I really mean is that I can not even begin to understand your grief and I am heartbroken for you and the loss of the anchor in your life. But even that doesn't do it really. ![:crying:](//storage.proboards.com/5645536/images/t4lmEAqHtTO6q6ksSmvP.jpg) The best thing to say is "I'm sorry for your loss"...it's not trite. Sometimes just a hug is enough.
|
|
calgal08
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,519
Jun 27, 2014 15:43:46 GMT
|
Post by calgal08 on Jul 7, 2015 16:16:42 GMT
I'm sorry you were hurt. I'm guessing the person who said it to you didn't mean to hurt you, chances are they didn't know what to say. I'm usually that awkward person who wants to say something, but doesn't know what to say. Normally I end up admitting exactly that "I'm sorry, I don't know what to say"
|
|
|
Post by Darcy Collins on Jul 7, 2015 16:17:25 GMT
I'm sorry people have upset you. They do mean well. Try to save it all up as stuff you can laugh about later on (and bring to the peas ... it's okay) (although I didn't see the OP, so maybe it was really beyond the pale) and not let it really hurt. I'll tell you one thing ... I know people said some weird things to me when my DH died, but 20 years on, I really don't remember who said what. What I do remember is the people I thought were friends that I never heard a word from. Ever again. ![:thumbdown:](//storage.proboards.com/5645536/images/SCylSBljj3e3QKjxF2vn.jpg) I can't give you more than one uptick so I'll quote you as well. I couldn't agree more. Whatever you do - don't be silent. There's a few people who I just can't forgive who were MIA when I needed them. I might have rolled my eyes at "understanding my grief because their goldfish died last week" - but it wouldn't have been nearly as painful as just not being there. Silence is not the better than sounding like a fool.
|
|
|
Post by christine58 on Jul 7, 2015 16:18:29 GMT
Just another suggestion....many times we say to the person who just suffered a loss "call me if you need anything"...DON'T wait for your grieving friend to call. Just do. A friend of mine lost her husband in a horrible crash a year ago. We didn't wait to be asked to do anything for her or her young children. We just did it...mowed the lawn, took them dinner, helped with arrangements for after his funeral.
So please....don't wait because that person won't call. They will think that they are burdening you....just do....
|
|
|
Post by jenis40 on Jul 7, 2015 16:42:40 GMT
Jenjie I read the original post and did not think it was ugly just a little much needed venting. Your grace through out this has been inspiring. Post cancer I now cringe at some of the things I said before especially to a friend who had breast cancer a few years prior to my bout. For some reason "but you look good" really rubbed me the wrong way since I usually felt like crap.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 25, 2024 6:46:37 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 7, 2015 16:46:43 GMT
I've dealt with more than my fair share of death and loss and have heard countless stupid things. What finally helped me not explode was to realize that as thoughtless as they were, they meant well, and they probably didn't have the experience with loss to help them know better, so in a way I was glad for them that they DIDN'T really have any perspective because it meant they hadn't gone through that kind of grief. Looking at it that way made me stop wanting to pop someone. But that doesn't make whatever they said ok, and I'm sorry that you're having to endure pain induced by this on top of your already great pain. Lots of people begin a phrase intended to console with "at least...." I know that no matter what the "at least," even a very good "at least," you'd still rather have your Fred back and that's ok. We're missing him with you and for you. I'm so sorry for your loss. He sounds like he was a great man and he left a wonderful legacy. The way you speak of him speaks to his goodness, and to the great love you shared. Some people also just deal with grief differently. My husband cringed at a few things his immediate family said when his Dad died. It wasn't that they hadn't experienced the loss, it's just that their perspective was different. The "better place" is a good example. His mother took great comfort in her husband of almost 50 years being in a better place and said it A LOT. There's no doubt at all she was in pain and grieving and that provided comfort to her. Unfortunately, my husband doesn't have the same faith in an afterlife as his mother, and so those words offered zero comfort to him and at times were down right abrasive. I didn't see Jen's original post so I'm not sure what people said, but my comments were in reference to the truly stupid things people say, like their dog's death being the same as her husband's. I just can't believe that anyone who ever experienced the loss of a human close loved one would make that comparison. That's the kind of thing I meant.
|
|
MorningPerson
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,510
Location: Central Pennsylvania
Jul 4, 2014 21:35:44 GMT
|
Post by MorningPerson on Jul 7, 2015 16:47:02 GMT
Jenjie I read the original post and did not think it was ugly just a little much needed venting. Your grace through out this has been inspiring. Post cancer I now cringe at some of the things I said before especially to a friend who had breast cancer a few years prior to my bout. For some reason "but you look good" really rubbed me the wrong way since I usually felt like crap. I have a tendency to do this. Not in a "you're probably really not that sick because you look so good" way, but in more of a way of (ETA: what I thought was) showing encouragement. Thanks for giving your side.
|
|
|
Post by lucyg on Jul 7, 2015 17:02:55 GMT
Jenjie I read the original post and did not think it was ugly just a little much needed venting. Your grace through out this has been inspiring. Post cancer I now cringe at some of the things I said before especially to a friend who had breast cancer a few years prior to my bout. For some reason "but you look good" really rubbed me the wrong way since I usually felt like crap. I have a tendency to do this. Not in a "you're probably really not that sick because you look so good" way, but in more of a way of (ETA: what I thought was) showing encouragement. Thanks for giving your side. Just for the record, I felt the opposite of jenis40 when I was in treatment for breast cancer. ![:)](//storage.proboards.com/5645536/images/MNrJDkDuSwqIMVw33MdD.jpg) I felt so crappy and ugly that it made me feel better, not worse, when someone told me I looked good, or even just normal. I did not feel normal. ![:P](//storage.proboards.com/5645536/images/OrTI4SBmZ2ZYSFv6ag4f.jpg)
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 25, 2024 6:46:37 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 7, 2015 17:11:21 GMT
In my twenties, I remember when my grandmother was dying..I went to go see her one last time and I knew it was the last time and that within hours, she would be gone. I sat there holding her hand and talked about work. WORK. I still beat myself up over it. I did tell her I loved her and all but I couldn't bring myself to say goodbye. See, this is one I'm going to take exception with. I'm a new grandmother, and I can imagine nothing better on my last day than having my grandchild sit with me and tell me about their day. Let this one go @carblover443. ![:love:](//storage.proboards.com/5645536/images/W4b_Om5roEadLiOzGo_l.jpg) Thank you so very much for this. ![:love:](//storage.proboards.com/5645536/images/W4b_Om5roEadLiOzGo_l.jpg)
|
|
|
Post by monklady123 on Jul 7, 2015 17:14:44 GMT
I didn't see the original post, but from my experiences as a hospital chaplain I can probably come up with all sorts of possibilities as to what it was people said. Mostly people are just thoughtless. And I don't mean that in a totally negative way -- many of them are most likely very nice people. But they are just not thinking, therefore they are "thoughtless".
One of the worst I think, said in total sympathy and love, is "I know exactly how you feel." Well, no you don't. You might have had a similar experience but we are all individuals and no one feels exactly like another person does. I understand that the motivation behind saying that is "I've had this same experience, so I can empathize with you, and I understand you..." But, better to just say "I am so sorry" and leave it at that. If the person knows you also lost your husband/child/mother they might say "Didn't your mother die last year?" and *then* you can refer to that. But you don't get to bring it up first, certainly not early in the person's grieving.
Anyway, I am very sorry. I hope your church is continuing to support you as they did before your dh died, and that you have good friends and family around you.
|
|
|
Post by blarneygirl on Jul 7, 2015 17:20:23 GMT
My heart hurts for you. I understand exactly what you are going through right now. I missed your original post, but I'm sure I can relate to some of the "helpful" thoughts and comments. I have tried to remind myself that it's a situation that has no right words. There is nothing anyone can say to help make me truly feel better, and sometimes in the process what is said comes out awkward or possibly inappropriate, but I don't believe there is ever ill intent behind the words.
This whole process can be a nightmare sometimes, the early days are the worst when you feel like you can't even breathe. I'm so very sorry. Sending you prayers from someone who understands.
|
|
Rhondito
Pearl Clutcher
MississipPea
Posts: 4,698
Jun 25, 2014 19:33:19 GMT
|
Post by Rhondito on Jul 7, 2015 18:14:44 GMT
Don't compare the death of your pet to the death of a loved one. No matter how much you love your dog and it's a member of your family. Just don't. It won't come off well. Something similar happened to me after my daddy died. I met some friends for dinner about a week after he passed away; one of them had a dog that had died the day before. As we were waiting for our table, she said something to me along the lines of "it's been a rough week." I thought she meant rough for me so I replied, "It really sucks." Then she said, "I don't know what I'm going to do without her (dog) - I've had her 10 years" and then went on and on about it. I just stared at her then turned and walked away. I hadn't seen her at all since my dad died - she didn't mention one word to me about him. Nothing. My feelings were so so hurt. ![:(](//storage.proboards.com/5645536/images/mYSUyHtG9Jrcmm_ydVcK.jpg) Please know that I am so very sorry you are going through this and I've been thinking about and praying for you and your children. <3
|
|
|
Post by blarneygirl on Jul 7, 2015 18:29:50 GMT
I didn't see the original post, but from my experiences as a hospital chaplain I can probably come up with all sorts of possibilities as to what it was people said. Mostly people are just thoughtless. And I don't mean that in a totally negative way -- many of them are most likely very nice people. But they are just not thinking, therefore they are "thoughtless". One of the worst I think, said in total sympathy and love, is "I know exactly how you feel." Well, no you don't. You might have had a similar experience but we are all individuals and no one feels exactly like another person does. I understand that the motivation behind saying that is "I've had this same experience, so I can empathize with you, and I understand you..." But, better to just say "I am so sorry" and leave it at that. If the person knows you also lost your husband/child/mother they might say "Didn't your mother die last year?" and *then* you can refer to that. But you don't get to bring it up first, certainly not early in the person's grieving. Anyway, I am very sorry. I hope your church is continuing to support you as they did before your dh died, and that you have good friends and family around you. Oops. I have written exactly what you said not to say right after your post. My husband of almost 30 years passed away suddenly just over four months ago. I was not trying to be insensitive by saying I understand her situation. I hope it didn't come across that way.
|
|
Sue
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,238
Location: SE of Portland, Oregon
Jun 26, 2014 18:42:33 GMT
|
Post by Sue on Jul 7, 2015 19:24:57 GMT
jenjie, you are my hero. Your postings have touched my heart, inspired me, and made me examine my own walk through this life. Bless you.
|
|
ellen
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,544
Jun 30, 2014 12:52:45 GMT
|
Post by ellen on Jul 7, 2015 19:34:25 GMT
Just another suggestion....many times we say to the person who just suffered a loss "call me if you need anything"...DON'T wait for your grieving friend to call. Just do. A friend of mine lost her husband in a horrible crash a year ago. We didn't wait to be asked to do anything for her or her young children. We just did it...mowed the lawn, took them dinner, helped with arrangements for after his funeral. So please....don't wait because that person won't call. They will think that they are burdening you....just do.... Agreed! When you are in that heavy grief you don't know what you need. I always felt like those people would like to be helpful but they'd prefer not to deal with you until you're not such a mess.
|
|
valleyview
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,816
Jun 27, 2014 18:41:26 GMT
|
Post by valleyview on Jul 7, 2015 19:37:07 GMT
jenjie, you are my hero. Your postings have touched my heart, inspired me, and made me examine my own walk through this life. Bless you. I want to say exactly what she said!
|
|
|
Post by lucyg on Jul 7, 2015 19:42:12 GMT
I didn't see the original post, but from my experiences as a hospital chaplain I can probably come up with all sorts of possibilities as to what it was people said. Mostly people are just thoughtless. And I don't mean that in a totally negative way -- many of them are most likely very nice people. But they are just not thinking, therefore they are "thoughtless". One of the worst I think, said in total sympathy and love, is "I know exactly how you feel." Well, no you don't. You might have had a similar experience but we are all individuals and no one feels exactly like another person does. I understand that the motivation behind saying that is "I've had this same experience, so I can empathize with you, and I understand you..." But, better to just say "I am so sorry" and leave it at that. If the person knows you also lost your husband/child/mother they might say "Didn't your mother die last year?" and *then* you can refer to that. But you don't get to bring it up first, certainly not early in the person's grieving. Anyway, I am very sorry. I hope your church is continuing to support you as they did before your dh died, and that you have good friends and family around you. Oops. I have written exactly what you said not to say right after your post. My husband of almost 30 years passed away suddenly just over four months ago. I was not trying to be insensitive by saying I understand her situation. I hope it didn't come across that way. Don't beat yourself up. You didn't sound insensitive, you sounded like someone who has been through a terrible loss yourself. And I am sorry to hear that you have been. ![:crying:](//storage.proboards.com/5645536/images/t4lmEAqHtTO6q6ksSmvP.jpg)
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 25, 2024 6:46:37 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 7, 2015 19:47:55 GMT
Jen, I am sorry for whatever was said to you. I truly am. I do get where you are coming from because in weeks or a couple of months I will be in your shoes. My mom is nearly gone. She is still alive, but her mind is gone. The cancer is spreading as well so, yeah, I hear you. (And I just lost my dog a month ago ![;)](//storage.proboards.com/5645536/images/Q_m8lDOvc_3Le3r1GKdf.jpg) ) One thing I asked the Peas when the grief was bad (when my sister died) "When is it going to get better? ![???](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/huh.png) " and they said it would get better soon. It was day two after she had passed and I wanted it to GO AWAY. I wanted to be done with this whole grief process! EFF the GRIEF! They promised me it would go away...and you know what? It did. Gradually every day life got better. (I am crying as I write this so please bear with me). I am broken hearted you lost Fred. All of us Peas grew to love him and were praying, wishing, rooting for him in whatever capacity we could. I wish in the days to come that God grants you warmth to heal your sorrow and brings to mind little things and big things Fred said that made you fall in love with him. My prayers are with you and your family. :love:X1000!
|
|
|
Post by choppedliver on Jul 7, 2015 19:51:50 GMT
I just came back so I'm not sure what's going on but I didn't want to back out without saying I'm sorry for your loss Jen.
|
|
|
Post by jenjie on Jul 8, 2015 0:36:50 GMT
I think people try to do the best they can to come up with something comforting to say when faced with death. I'm sorry people didn't think things through before the spoke. When I had my first miscarriage, my SIL told me it was okay because "the baby was probably retarded or something." I know she was trying to help but I still recall those words more than 35 years later. Noooo! Does she still have the impression from the slap you must have given her? I'm so sorry.
|
|
|
Post by jenjie on Jul 8, 2015 0:38:27 GMT
Don't compare the death of your pet to the death of a loved one. No matter how much you love your dog and it's a member of your family. Just don't. It won't come off well. ![:crying:](//storage.proboards.com/5645536/images/t4lmEAqHtTO6q6ksSmvP.jpg) If I can say anything in the dog bereavement person's defense: rather than seeing what they said as an attempt to compare the loss of a pet to your husband, can you see it as the person's clumsy attempt to try to connect with you in that deep place of loss and sadness? I agree with you and the others who have said that most people really do mean well, and that they just don't know what to say. That's why I think this thread is a good one to use to let each other know the right and wrong things to say. I've been enlightened on such a wide variety of topics here at 2Peas/Refugees, and this thread might help those of us who are on either side of the grieving comments topic. Here's my addition of what not to say. If you know someone who is on a medical leave from her job because she's fighting a very scary form of cancer, DO NOT call her daughter to ask if her mom will be returning to work, because you'd love to have her job. Spoiler alert: that daughter was 22 year old me, scared and beyond sad at the impending loss of my mother who passed away not too much later. [ No. Just no.
|
|
|
Post by jenjie on Jul 8, 2015 0:39:27 GMT
I'm a little jealous of the person who compared the loss of a pet to a close family member. Eventually they will experience a loss that will bring them to their knees and they'll know it's not comparable. I'm not defending their comment. They should know better. One thing that was hard for me when I lost my mom in a way that was very traumatic is that my grief made a lot of people uncomfortable. I still find it hard to believe some of the people who never said a single word to me about it. I know for many they were worried they'd rock my boat and set off tears, but to pretend nothing happened is hurtful. A simple "I'm sorry" is very helpful. So if you aren't sure of what to say, that is what you can say. You cannot go wrong with that. I'm sorry Ellen ![:(](//storage.proboards.com/5645536/images/mYSUyHtG9Jrcmm_ydVcK.jpg)
|
|