WWRPD? Child abuse & Friendship

She needs an attorney ASAP..tell her to STOP texting the in laws.

I hate to diminish it at all, but you are only seeing one side of it. You said he was strict with his kids before all this, could you see it going that much further? DH is strict with my kids, but I honestly cannot even imagine a scenario to where I'd have to involve the police. To me, that seems extreme. But at the same time, if I ever thought DH was punishing them too much, I wouldn't hesitate to call the police either.

Only you know. What's come up on your radar?

I would side with the child until it could be proven otherwise. And I know that kid's nowadays understand that sort of philosophy. But I'd make sure the kid was safe, regardless.

Sadly, her behavior is normal for an abused spouse....to accept his blatant lies, make excuses in hopes that others will not shun both of them, make excuses for the physical beatings --and to return to the situation.

She very much needs to get in contact with a women's shelter and get involved in their counseling sessions...ASAP.
If she testifies against her son, then shame on her and I'd drop any dealings with her.
She also needs to consult an attorney.

She IS entitled to some of HIS money--she was providing for his children, care of home etc. etc. She needs to get her hands on the money he weaseled out of her.

He would not be welcome in my home.

Since the wife has indicated she will take the child abuser back into the home, I would print out copies of all communication about abuse she has admitted and give them to police and CPS. Someone has to protect those kids and she may have had a moment of courage but is scared now. Maybe someone can let her know what social services she can reach out to for help. This is a family in crisis and having him over to your home should be the least of your worries.

This is very typical of women being caught in an abusive relationship, but the thing to remember here is she isn't in her "right mind'. She is in a brainwashed state. Absolutely 100%, and I am not exaggerating. How do I know? Because I was that woman. The power and manipulation he has over her is impossible to resist. Please do not pull away and ignore her now. Not if you care for her or for the child.

What you can do, need to do if it's at all possible is take her physically to your local woman's shelter. Call beforehand (she's not capable of doing this on her own) and let them know what's going on. If you can get her there while he's still in jail, they may come out to the car, and guide her inside. Once inside once they start talking to her there might be a chance. It'll be like the bubble will burst. That's what happened to me. My sister came to my house and got me and the further away we got the clearer my life became to me. It was like coming out of a trance. Think about the child.

If you wait until ahole gets out of jail it'll be impossible.

I do recommend that you take every piece of evidence you have and contact the authorities and give it to them. The women's shelter will know what to do with it. If you can get her there, they will help her with everything. How to leave him safely. How to file the right papers to get what is hers financially. They will provide housing for her and her child in a safe place. They will provide therapy for her and her child which she desperately needs to help her understand what he did, why and to rebuild her self esteem and confidence.

Best of luck to you and thank you so much for caring. People like you are a lifeline to women like us. Without you we'd never get out of these hell holes of those situations. I have my sister to thank for saving me. Maybe this woman will have you to thank one day?

Debbie in MD.

Has the family not been reported to DCF? Would that be an option since the wife won't press charges? I can't imagine how stressful this must have been for you. In the same situation, the only thing that would have kept me talking to this woman would be her child. If she wants to let the asshole beat the shit out of her, fine, but when she's allowing her child to be beaten . . . I don't care how much of a victim she is, she lost any sympathy from me.

This. Actually leaving an abusive spouse is HARD. He's had years to cow her into submission. She will feel enormous (inappropriate) guilt for breaking up her family.

This man minimizes his behavior. He's been justifying the unacceptable for many years.

If you're up to it, this woman could really use a supportive person to help her be strong.

Eta: just saw the most recent updates. Yes, sadly this is very common. I'm sorry you've been dragged into it. Still, you sound like a strong woman who will not just pretend everything is fine and I applaud that.

She's embarrassed. She told you so much about her Dh, and now she can't face you. So so common. Only you can decide what if anything you can do at this point.

Notice how this recent history has effectively cut her off from a source of support, (you)? This is classic in abusive homes. It's not you. It's probable he is pressuring her to avoid you. This works in his (twisted) favor. Total control.

I'm so sad for those little boys. And frankly, her too.

When I separated, and then XH got sent to prison for assaulting me, I felt enormous guilt. My head knew that was wrong, but emotions are another matter. It took a year and a half of therapy to mostly get rid of the guilt. And it still comes back. And I had tons of support.

Probably even the boys are pressuring her to accept daddy back. Kids are comfortable in what they know.

Thank you for your efforts on these little guys behalf. And you never know if you will have further opportunity to help. Leave the door open if you're up to it.

Her husband has quite likely told her to have no contact with you, and threatened her if she does. It really is sad that women can value themselves so little as to put up with an abusive spouse and worse to subject their children to this treatment.

This. I would have no problem providing evidence so those kids are safe, regardless of if the wife wants to go back or not. The kids safety would be priority one.

If the wife has told you the truth ( and she probably has) then she has failed to protect her children and has to take some responsibility. She definitely needs counselling to understand that if nothing else- otherwise she could fail again in the future.The boys need counselling because of what they have witnessed / experienced and because of children's' natural ability to blame everything on themselves. I say to after years of working in Child abuse and having seen awful things/ attended probably a couple of hundred case conferences in my career.

I would hope the employer will take some action once they learn of this.

Sorry OP I didn't see your update above me: I stand by what I posted now. She is clearly incapable of protecting those children and Children's services ( or whatever they are called where you live) should be monitoring both parents. Unfortunately, many abused spouses will go back to/ stay in an abusive relationship because they don't want their comfortable lives to change- fine if you have no children, not fine if you do!!

   The bolded statement above is completely untrue! Abused spouses do not go back because of financial reasons or comfortable lives. What kind of comfortable life is it when they are going back into a home where they (well, let's just say women here because 90% of the time it is women) have to walk around on eggshells because any second the abuser is going to go off for any reason and have his next roaring blow out and attack.

The reason women go back is because they are literally brain washed. If they can break free and get help from shelters or a therapist who can begin to teach them what they've been going through and how these men operate (the manipulation) then they can begin to understand it when it happens again (when the bastards start reaching out and calling them). Without that education there is no hope because these men will reel them back in as easy as one reels in a fish. It isn't the women's fault! Let me say that again-It isn't the women's fault! They aren't weak, poorly educated, low quality, trashy women. These are women from ALL walks of life. College educated, professional women, homemakers, writers, doctors even, it happens to all types of women. There is a cycle of abuse. The period the OP's friend is in now is called the "honeymoon" period. The first one is tension building, then acute battering, then honeymoon. I am embarrassed to admit that I went back one time. But that is all it took for me. For many women it takes many times before she is ready to make the final break.

OP, I am amazed, thoroughly impressed, and grateful for this woman that you did so much, so very much for her. You basically gave up most of your life to help her. Good for you! Most people wouldn't have done anywhere near as much as you have. If you ever find yourself in a position to help her again, you don't have to take so much on your own shoulders though. Although from this experience I'd understand you wanting to wash your hands clean of everything. If however you do decide to help, just find out the location of your nearest women's shelter (call and explain your entire experience) and bring her to them. They have the resources to help her with the therapy she so desperately needs to understand why she has to leave, how he's manipulating her, and so on. Maybe you already hooked her up with a therapist? The children depending on their ages need therapy too. It would also give her a safe place to stay when she makes the decision to leave and they have all the resources to help her make that break in the safest manner possible, because that is the most dangerous time-leaving.

Again, OP I am amazed at your most generous heart! Thank goodness there are still people like you in the world. It gives me hope for our future.

Debbie in MD.