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Post by lesserknownpea on Sept 22, 2015 1:27:15 GMT
What Birukitty said
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Sept 22, 2015 2:11:33 GMT
Thanks everyone!!! I do have everything saved and will print it out this week. My thoughts are with the little ones, it must be frightening for them having to go back for that!
He was threatening me, not my DH--just shows how bold he is, that he thinks he can make a threat to someone else's wife! (He was telling his coworker's (also my DH's coworker's) lies that my DH was telling people about the abuse (my DH wasn't saying anything, it was the asshole himself going around telling people his business, and he could not remember who he told!!
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Post by birukitty on Sept 22, 2015 17:22:50 GMT
OP I'm so sorry he's threatening you but again this is so typical. I"m not surprised he's not threatening your DH, he has his reputation to maintain at work (although he's got to do a better job of keeping up with his lies But you, you're just a woman in his eyes-he sees you as weak. Women are a sub species to him. There to be used and manipulated. Obviously, you're not going to fall for his BS! I'm so sorry he's trying to trash your DH's reputation at work. I think that's what you were trying to say, was it? If so, I'd recommend having your DH meet with his boss and tell him the truth about what's going on. My heart breaks for the children in this scenario and I'm sorry I was busy trying to get so much info across previously that I forgot to mention them. Children are the victims too in domestic violence (along with the women) because they have no say in what happens. The thing is the longer they stay in these situations the longer they grow up believing this is how marriage (well let's just use that word for now) is supposed to be. It will take years of therapy to not only heal the wounds inflicted on the children but also teach them that this isn't how love is supposed to be. And actually emotional wounds take longer to heal than physical wounds. Sounds strange but it's true. My ex was emotionally abusive the entire 7 years of that marriage but only got physically abusive the last 6 months. The bruises healed quickly but those words in my head took a lot longer to heal from! It will be harder for the children. When they are told they are worthless, and more horrible things I won't mention here, it will take a long, long time for them to develop any self esteem or self worth. So, it isn't just the scars and bruises that have to heal. It's the emotional abuse too. Sorry, I didn't mean to bring everyone down. OP, yes, please bring any amount of evidence you have to the police. I would guess (I don't have any experience with this) that the more evidence Child Protective Services has the better. Again thank you again and again, for going above and beyond what anyone else would do for what you have done for this woman. Debbie in MD.
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Post by pb on Sept 22, 2015 18:38:09 GMT
Thank you for helping this woman. I highly recommend Helping Her Get Free by Susan Brewster. She has extensive experience in the field and her book is a practice guide to how a friend or relative can help someone in an abuse situation. link
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 19, 2024 10:23:31 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 22, 2015 18:40:01 GMT
Abuse of any kind and infidelity are friendship breakers for me.
You have gone over above by a long shot. Keep your own head clear and hold on to your DH as these things tend to spread muck around.
Bless you for caring.
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MerryMom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,539
Jul 24, 2014 19:51:57 GMT
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Post by MerryMom on Sept 22, 2015 21:25:26 GMT
As a child welfare professional, call the caseworker and relay to him or her what you know and follow up with a letter. In addition, send the same letter to the GAL Guardian ad litem appointed on the case. Go to juvenile court clerk's office and they can provide you with name of GAL. Keep in mind that while they cannot discuss the case, they can listen.
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Post by ladytrisha on Sept 22, 2015 23:04:58 GMT
OP, my Mom was in your position for a long time with a family friend. Her husband, a Dr., regularly beat her and his children and she would cry and then crawl back to him. This was the late 60's so not much has changed. In the 80's he took them back to Columbia where she attempted to leave him ... and was dragged thru the streets back to him (apparently one doesn't DO that there). All this time, her 2 boys watched.
Thru the years we would see them very occasionally. Hard to keep a friendship going on when you know what they really go thru despite a show put on for everyone else. He was still an ass and still pushed her around - and that was in front of people.
Fast forward 30+ years ... and the wonder of Facebook. My mom reconnected with her and heard that she had finally left him, moved to Canada, became an author. Her oldest (my 1st grade "boyfriend) had moved out of the country and did very well for himself. He got as far away as he could and made a life for himself. He did not want, nor have, any children.
The younger brother (who was such a soft kind soul) became a drug addict and was basically "helped" by his father who could and did write prescriptions. He overdosed right before my Mom was back in contact with her.
The kickers to this - the beating Dr. got cancer, and yet she flew down to help take care of him. As my Mom said, some things don't EVER change. My "boyfriend" meanwhile retired, moved from Switzerland and now lives in Canada as well. I've tried reconnecting as friends a few times, but there's a sadness that he carries. I just hope he is at peace because none of the ugliness of that family life was his fault nor his brother's. I have very fond memories of them both.
Strength isn't something we can make someone have ... they have to find it, they have to want it. I hope your friend finds it and wants it for herself very soon.
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Sept 23, 2015 4:19:59 GMT
Found out today that she is back with him, talking, sex, the whole deal!!!
I don't understand how a mother can do that to her kids!!
I messaged her an article on verbal/manipulative abuse because I heard (from another work wife) that she was posting about the Black Dot project on her Facebook. She posts a photo with her and a big black dot on her hand across her mouth, and links an article about it ( it's essentially a secret sign for people to recognize domestic violence). She goes on to say that she wants people to support it because DV victims often don't speak up, and then she lists that she was in support of it; she didn't need or mean to imply that she needed help !!!!
I totally get that often the DV victims feel brainwashed, but gosh is this frustrating!!!! I don't even know what to say to her!!!!
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Post by freecharlie on Sept 23, 2015 4:25:39 GMT
Found out today that she is back with him, talking, sex, the whole deal!!! I don't understand how a mother can do that to her kids!! I messaged her an article on verbal/manipulative abuse because I heard (from another work wife) that she was posting about the Black Dot project on her Facebook. She posts a photo with her and a big black dot on her hand across her mouth, and links an article about it ( it's essentially a secret sign for people to recognize domestic violence). She goes on to say that she wants people to support it because DV victims often don't speak up, and then she lists that she was in support of it; she didn't need or mean to imply that she needed help !!!! I totally get that often the DV victims feel brainwashed, but gosh is this frustrating!!!! I don't even know what to say to her!!!! ugh it really is hard to understand. As much as you want, don't bad mouth him as she won't confide in you. Be there for her when she needs it agaon. Dont hesitate to call the police if you have proof or somethibg
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Post by freecharlie on Sept 23, 2015 4:26:11 GMT
Found out today that she is back with him, talking, sex, the whole deal!!! I don't understand how a mother can do that to her kids!! I messaged her an article on verbal/manipulative abuse because I heard (from another work wife) that she was posting about the Black Dot project on her Facebook. She posts a photo with her and a big black dot on her hand across her mouth, and links an article about it ( it's essentially a secret sign for people to recognize domestic violence). She goes on to say that she wants people to support it because DV victims often don't speak up, and then she lists that she was in support of it; she didn't need or mean to imply that she needed help !!!! I totally get that often the DV victims feel brainwashed, but gosh is this frustrating!!!! I don't even know what to say to her!!!! ugh it really is hard to understand. As much as you want, don't bad mouth him as she won't confide in you. Be there for her when she needs it agaon. Dont hesitate to call the police if you have proof or somethibg
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MerryMom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,539
Jul 24, 2014 19:51:57 GMT
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Post by MerryMom on Sept 23, 2015 18:57:33 GMT
Found out today that she is back with him, talking, sex, the whole deal!!! I don't understand how a mother can do that to her kids!! Welcome to my world after 23 years in the child welfare business. I would stop messaging her articles. I would stop the churning and digesting of this family through the "another work wife" information sharing chain. If you want to help, then provide factual information to either the Children's Services worker or the GAL on the case. Say "I'm here to support you when you are ready for help."
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Sept 23, 2015 20:51:12 GMT
That's a great response to send her! I have refrained from badmouthing him to her since the last court date and she has clammed up on sharing what she used to. I talked to my DH last night about turning over the notes she sent me ( of course he's on board) so I'm searching for their case worker at CS.
She knows that I cannot stand him and that he will not be allowed anywhere near us, so that plus him brainwashing her is probably a factor of her not sharing!
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Post by lurkingsince2001 on Sept 23, 2015 21:05:11 GMT
You can't help people who don't want to be helped. Whether she's brainwashed or feels like it's her fault, still loves him or believes he'll change, whatever her reasoning may be (and it is her reasoning, it doesn't have to make sense or be understandable to us), she's not ready yet. And we can't make her be ready no matter how much we might will it so.
Do what you can for the kids. Send in your papers, transcripts, anything you can to the people who might be able to use it. That's really all I can see you being able to do right now.
Then step back. This has to be taking a toll on you mentally, emotionally, maybe physically, and your marriage. Your husband's work situation is complicated and can't be helping. And if this guy is unstable or aggressive at all, your continued involvement just isn't safe. And you do not want him to be able to turn this around on you or your DH. An angry man with no sense of boundaries who feels slighted is not someone you want to deal with.
Do what you can, even if you don't think it's enough, and step back. Don't let their drama become yours.
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Sept 23, 2015 23:08:51 GMT
You can't help people who don't want to be helped. Whether she's brainwashed or feels like it's her fault, still loves him or believes he'll change, whatever her reasoning may be (and it is her reasoning, it doesn't have to make sense or be understandable to us), she's not ready yet. And we can't make her be ready no matter how much we might will it so. Do what you can for the kids. Send in your papers, transcripts, anything you can to the people who might be able to use it. That's really all I can see you being able to do right now. Then step back. This has to be taking a toll on you mentally, emotionally, maybe physically, and your marriage. Your husband's work situation is complicated and can't be helping. And if this guy is unstable or aggressive at all, your continued involvement just isn't safe. And you do not want him to be able to turn this around on you or your DH. An angry man with no sense of boundaries who feels slighted is not someone you want to deal with. Do what you can, even if you don't think it's enough, and step back. Don't let their drama become yours. ^^^i cannot agree more with this! My DH was a bit worried about the guy because of crap he said months ago about someone else doing something against him (he said he would fire bomb her house) because my DH was out of town and this guy was still in town--my DH had me on alert watching carefully while this douche was still in town. Part of my problem is that I feel like I need to tell her how horrible it is that she's subjecting the boys back to him (I mean I have told her that but she ignores it or says they are fine and in counseling). I know that It is not realistic of me to expect her to just flip the switch and change or agree then change, but my heart tugs for those boys--I think of them every day! Ugh!!!! Thank you for allowing me to vent here, I've received so much valuable advice and what to do!
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Post by birukitty on Sept 24, 2015 18:00:45 GMT
Yes, you might be precarious situation here, especially if your DH frequently goes out of town. Has this bastard threatened you frequently or just once before? Do you have a protective dog by any chance, like a German Shepherd, Rottweiler or a breed like that? Any dog that can alert you if this bastard tries to break into your house? How about an alarm system? I'm not trying to scare you just trying to figure out your situation.
The next time she comes to you for help I would advice you contact, actually do this ahead of time so you are ready, the national hotline for domestic abuse 1-800-799-SAFE. They can advice you not only what you can do to keep your self safe at this point, but also where there is a shelter that you can take her to next time she comes to you for help. There are two points here 1. You need help. You've done an amazing job, but I hate to see you take all of this upon your own shoulders again when you don't have to. 2. She needs help from therapists and professionals, and women who've been there and gotten out who can break through that bubble of hers and start the deprogramming. I'm not saying taking her to the shelter=she's moving out of the house. I'm saying taking her to the shelter to take advantage of the great number of resources they offer. Although now that I think about it they'll probably want to keep her since once she knows where it is, they won't want her going back and tell her abuser where it is located.
Anyway, make the call if you are up for it because they can help with any questions you have, especially how to keep yourself safe. If she leaves him and goes into the shelter that is the most dangerous time for her and for you because you helped her. He will come looking for her-does he know where you live. At that time if it's at all possible have your DH stay at home from business trips if he can. Do you know if he has a gun? I really don't mean to scare you but it's best to know all of the facts ahead of time to be prepared. Alerting the police ahead of time if she decides to leave and go into the shelter would be a wise decision to.
Debbie in MD.
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Sept 25, 2015 0:13:44 GMT
Thanks Birukitty!!
I have a dog that will bark if he sees a mouse, so yes he would alert me, and after today, I hit the nervous all over again --
I get a FB message from the wife starting with..."I don't want to accuse you...but you said you would do it..."
Apparently, someone sent the supervisor at work, his mug shot, arrest documents and a whole lotta other stuff and the supervisor called the douche on it! (It was NOT me!)
So apparently, it was bad and of course they assume I did it. I was chatting with wife trying to get details and it popped into my head another of his coworkers who probably did it, the douche had pissed him off and shunned him, so I wouldn't put it past this other coworker to do that. I immediately called my DH to tell him and he thinks it was someone else--there was another guy who really hated the douche and even worked with douches dad for a while and said the Apple didn't fall far from the tree.
I asked the wife if there was a possibility that her narcissistic DH was exaggerating or making this up since he knew I had said I would do it if he did not stop disparaging my DH (and as far as I know, he had because after i said that, I didn't hear anything else!) Ugh!!!
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Post by birukitty on Sept 25, 2015 16:03:36 GMT
You're very welcome. If you ever want to talk, feel free to PM me or write here. I'm here if you need to talk things over or just need to share, or vent on how to help or how to protect yourself now that you've tried to help this woman.
I've been through this-although it was 23 years ago and I've learned a lot about the situations abused women face. I got therapy and it helped enormously for me to understand why he did it and how it never was going to change but just keep getting worse. The therapy also helped me to rebuild my self esteem, and to look out for men likely to be abusers and avoid them in the future. It must have worked because my current husband is the exact opposite of my ex. He is sweet, kind and very giving. He never raises his voice, and is very trusting of me. Trust is the foundation of our marriage. We just celebrated our 20th anniversary this past July. I'm realize I'm one of the very few lucky ones. So I try to help when ever I can.
Debbie in MD.
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flute4peace
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,757
Jul 3, 2014 14:38:35 GMT
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Post by flute4peace on Sept 25, 2015 17:48:55 GMT
You're very welcome. If you ever want to talk, feel free to PM me or write here. I'm here if you need to talk things over or just need to share, or vent on how to help or how to protect yourself now that you've tried to help this woman. I've been through this-although it was 23 years ago and I've learned a lot about the situations abused women face. I got therapy and it helped enormously for me to understand why he did it and how it never was going to change but just keep getting worse. The therapy also helped me to rebuild my self esteem, and to look out for men likely to be abusers and avoid them in the future. It must have worked because my current husband is the exact opposite of my ex. He is sweet, kind and very giving. He never raises his voice, and is very trusting of me. Trust is the foundation of our marriage. We just celebrated our 20th anniversary this past July. I'm realize I'm one of the very few lucky ones. So I try to help when ever I can. Debbie in MD.
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Sept 25, 2015 20:27:01 GMT
You're very welcome. If you ever want to talk, feel free to PM me or write here. I'm here if you need to talk things over or just need to share, or vent on how to help or how to protect yourself now that you've tried to help this woman. I've been through this-although it was 23 years ago and I've learned a lot about the situations abused women face. I got therapy and it helped enormously for me to understand why he did it and how it never was going to change but just keep getting worse. The therapy also helped me to rebuild my self esteem, and to look out for men likely to be abusers and avoid them in the future. It must have worked because my current husband is the exact opposite of my ex. He is sweet, kind and very giving. He never raises his voice, and is very trusting of me. Trust is the foundation of our marriage. We just celebrated our 20th anniversary this past July. I'm realize I'm one of the very few lucky ones. So I try to help when ever I can. Debbie in MD. Ditto on that love!!!
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Post by birukitty on Sept 26, 2015 1:43:21 GMT
Aw, thanks you guys . You're so sweet. I truly mean it though Paperadvocate. Anything you need regarding this please let me know. I'm here for you. Debbie in MD.
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