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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Jul 10, 2015 3:49:20 GMT
Long story short--DH's coworker gives 8 yr old son 2 black eyes and a cut on the bridge of nose. Wife is in bed with migraine, does not see it happen.
Coworker travels to work next day, wife sees their son the next morning, hears what happened from 8 year old and 2 younger brothers collaborate what happened.
Wife takes son to police/emergency and filed charges against her husband. He is out of town for week and will be arrested as soon as he returns home. She files for a protection order and calls Child Protection Services.
She does not tell husband what she has done. He is arrested when he comes back home and taken to jail for weekend; his parents bail him out. He is not allowed to see any of them.
He goes back to work and tells my DH that he went to smack 8 yr in mouth for sassing and the boy turned away; however, after seeing photos of the boy, I would venture a guess that in no way that turning away was the truth. (Both of their younger sons stated that their older brother was hit multiple times by daddy)
So now they await court.
From talking to the wife (we are friendly, sit at work related events together, have gone to dinner a few times, and have bought gifts for the boys at Christmas and birthdays) we are not daily friends/girlfriends.
So she has been PMing me via Facebook telling me all about it, that the abuse has been going on for some time--physical to her and the boys (he gave the middle boy 5 yrs a bloody nose by pushing his face to the wall as punishment last month) and he is very verbally abusive to the wife. This is the first time she has reported the abuse.
From the times we had gone out or had been with them with the kids, we knew that the coworker (Dad) was stricter than we thought necessary but the news of this abuse was a shocker.
Coworker is playing it off to DH as it was accident, one time thing and that his wife is overreacting.
I have made it clear to my DH and the wife that this man is not welcome in my home nor do I have a desire to ever be around him ever again; what he has done is unforgivable! I have mention this several times to the wife, because she may take him back when all is said and done. I don't have to be anywhere around him.
Am I unreasonable for making this statement? I mean it, I cannot stand what he has done to these little boys and his wife!!
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Post by gizzy on Jul 10, 2015 4:08:37 GMT
Why would you think you're unreasonable?
I hope they are able to find justice and peace.
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Post by freecharlie on Jul 10, 2015 4:18:35 GMT
Keep the PMs and call the police and social services. She is giving you evidence that can keep him from being around the children even if she wants to forgive him.
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Post by freecharlie on Jul 10, 2015 4:19:31 GMT
Oh and I would never be around that man again.
And, I'd bet that the wife has seen this happen before.
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Post by femalebusiness on Jul 10, 2015 4:25:48 GMT
You are 100% doing the right thing.
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Post by Eddie-n-Harley on Jul 10, 2015 4:29:16 GMT
Keep the PMs and call the police and social services. She is giving you evidence that can keep him from being around the children even if she wants to forgive him. Or call the district attorney's office if charges have already been filed. Take them printouts of the PMs.
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Jul 10, 2015 4:37:53 GMT
Why would you think you're unreasonable? I hope they are able to find justice and peace. I don't think I am; my DH has to work with this man, and I made it clear to the wife that he is not welcome in my home--I fear that she's hoping that changes if she does take him back. I just don't want him around my family period!
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Post by papersilly on Jul 10, 2015 4:47:32 GMT
Not unreasonable at all. I would not want abusers in my home either. In my home and in my life. I couldn't face someone like that and act like nothing was wrong.
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Post by mlynn on Jul 10, 2015 5:03:47 GMT
Not wanting him in your home is understandable and acceptable.
Refusing to ever be around him again is understandable but unacceptable...unless one of the men changes jobs. Your not going to these work related events could have a negative impact on your husband in his work place.
It would be a shame for the boys to lose your friendship because of their fathers misdeeds.
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anniebygaslight
Drama Llama
I'd love a cup of tea. #1966
Posts: 7,394
Location: Third Rock from the sun.
Jun 28, 2014 14:08:19 GMT
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Post by anniebygaslight on Jul 10, 2015 7:03:12 GMT
Of course you are not being unreasonable. If I were in your shoes, he would not be welcome near my home or my family.
Does his boss know that he is on bail for beating up an 8 year old?
I'm sure his wife will be very grateful for your support. Keep it up, especially if she wavers.
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Mary Kay Lady
Pearl Clutcher
PeaNut 367,913 Refupea number 1,638
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Jun 27, 2014 4:11:36 GMT
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Post by Mary Kay Lady on Jul 10, 2015 7:25:26 GMT
I have made it clear to my DH and the wife that this man is not welcome in my home nor do I have a desire to ever be around him ever again; what he has done is unforgivable! I have mention this several times to the wife, because she may take him back when all is said and done. I don't have to be anywhere around him. Am I unreasonable for making this statement? I mean it, I cannot stand what he has done to these little boys and his wife!! To answer your question, no, you're not being unreasonable. This man is abusive plain and simple. Please suggest to the wife that she get counseling for herself and her children. Please! She needs it and her children need it. Leaving an abusive relationship is very very hard. It's easy to convince yourself that "it wasn't that bad" after you've been out of the relationship for a while and the bad memories have faded. From what you've described, it sounds like his behavior might be escalating. Article about domestic violence.
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Jul 10, 2015 7:51:20 GMT
You are not being unreasonable!
And yes, do keep & print any info she shares about the abuse & give it to the police & cps. They will want that.
Did cps interview the kids & wife? Take photos? I sure hope so. And in that case, even if she "takes him back" (NO!!! I can't scream no loud enough) CPS will not drop the case, and most likely neither will the prosecutor. In cases of abuse the charges are files against the defendant by the prosecutor (instead of the wife/child) and cannot be dropped by a wife changing her mind. She will be called as a witness to testify.
And as far as that low life piece of shit husband of hers - He is a con artist of the worst kind. Abusers almost always are. They can look normal, like the most caring family man, even, but behind closed doors they are another person altogether. So when you hear everyone is so "shocked" to hear he abused his kids, only people who had some measure of trust in him will be shocked. CPS won't be shocked. PD won't be shocked. They've seen his kind a thousand times.
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Post by rainangel on Jul 10, 2015 10:57:11 GMT
I think at this point I would tell my husband that pending the outcome of the case I am not allowing that man in my house. If nothing else, at least it will buy you some time for not having to explain WHY you don't want him in the house.
From what the wife says he sounds abusive and I would not want him in my house either. But bear in mind that you don't know this woman very well. It raises a big red flag though if the husband tells your DH 'My wife is overreacting'. It seems like he tries to downplay two black eyes and a cut in the face. If I had caused two black eyes and a cut in my child's face, I would be pleading guilty and feel absolutely horrible about it. I would be working very hard to apologize to the wife and children, not sit at work and say 'the wife is overreacting'.
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Post by gailoh on Jul 10, 2015 11:58:35 GMT
I am another about printing off the messages and turning them over...
Those poor children and really hope this wife does not even try to go back to this abuser...
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Post by myboysnme on Jul 10, 2015 12:25:42 GMT
You know what would be really good is if the workplace would tell the man that they think what he has done is despicable, and if every man and woman he knows does the same. I'm not saying fire him or whatever, but if every single person he knows confronts that behavior he will find no one in his life who will give him the idea it is OK. Abuse lives in secrecy and only when it is out and acknowledged for the abhorrent act that it is can we hope to change it.
Good for you for taking a stand and hope your spouse does the same. I would try to refer the spouse to a domestic violence program because you can get sucked in way over your head and even put yourself at risk. She can provide her own copies of her messages so don't get all involved in that way because he can get desperate to blame someone for his life being ruined and if she takes him back or is telling him you did such and such to keep him from blaming her you can suddenly find yourself at the center.
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Post by pierkiss on Jul 10, 2015 12:27:33 GMT
I would not be able to continue being courteous to this person, let alone maintain a friendship. And I would absolutely not allow him into my home ever again.
Don't feel bad about your decision.
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peppermintpatty
Pearl Clutcher
Refupea #1345
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Jun 26, 2014 17:47:08 GMT
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Post by peppermintpatty on Jul 10, 2015 12:37:31 GMT
No, you are NOT being unreasonable. Take screen shots of the messages and save them on your computer, just in case something happens to your phone. Turn them over.
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Post by sillyrabbit on Jul 10, 2015 14:22:19 GMT
You are not being unreasonable. The wife has seen something in you that makes her comfortable in opening up when she never has before. That is a blessing that comes with a huge responsibility. Help her advocate for herself and her children. Hugs and prayers.
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Post by jmurray on Jul 10, 2015 14:39:34 GMT
I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, and also would never want to have him cross my path again. BUT....
There is a good chance the wife might take him back - I know she shouldn't, but we also know many women do, for various reasons. If she does, your comments to her may stop her from coming to you when (not if) he does it again. Of course you can (and should) avoid him, but I would stop telling her you plan to do that, and just be a support for her if she turns to you.
Another possibility is she could tell him what you said, and that will likely create issues between your DH and him at work. So I would keep quiet when talking with her about what you think of her DH - it won't help her any, and could cause issues down the track.
Vent and cuss the swine out all you like here and to your DH though. What a disgusting individual.
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Post by peanuttle on Jul 10, 2015 14:52:22 GMT
Absolutely not, that is horrible! You are 100% correct. If she does take him back, CPS needs to take the children away from that situation. That will affect them for the rest of their lives. She needs to be there for her boys and get them and herself some counseling.
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Post by bc2ca on Jul 10, 2015 15:22:06 GMT
Coworker is playing it off to DH as it was accident, one time thing and that his wife is overreacting. I have made it clear to my DH and the wife that this man is not welcome in my home nor do I have a desire to ever be around him ever again; what he has done is unforgivable! I have mention this several times to the wife, because she may take him back when all is said and done. I don't have to be anywhere around him. Am I unreasonable for making this statement? I mean it, I cannot stand what he has done to these little boys and his wife!! I feel there is something missing here if you are asking if you are being unreasonable? Is your husband suggesting you are? There is a lot that needs to play out in the system, both in criminal court and through the CPS investigation. Even if the criminal charges are dropped the CPS investigation would (in my county) mean that dad can't just go home. All family members would be required to complete a variety of parenting, DV and other therapies/classes before reunification might be possible. If mom lets dad back in the house before that plays out it would trigger a removal of the children from both parents. How has your DH's employer responded to the arrest and charges?
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Post by epeanymous on Jul 10, 2015 16:04:42 GMT
Huh, man beats up children and gets arrested for it, what person would think you unreasonable for not letting him in your house?
Depending on what kind of workplace/job we are talking about and what kind of charges these are, I wouldn't be incredibly surprised if, should he get convicted, your problems resolve themselves when your husband's colleague gets fired.
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Jul 10, 2015 16:07:01 GMT
Not wanting him in your home is understandable and acceptable. Refusing to ever be around him again is understandable but unacceptable...unless one of the men changes jobs. Your not going to these work related events could have a negative impact on your husband in his work place. It would be a shame for the boys to lose your friendship because of their fathers misdeeds. My DH is over him at work, so I don't worry too much about the effects at work for my hubby, I would still go to events, just not sit with them as we had in the past--most of the guys in their work group have distanced themselves/changed the way they interact with this man; they are have children themselves and/or have met his kids and find his behavior deplorable (he's attempting to play it down "it was an accident" "my wife is overreacting and setting me up" blaming the kids and wife for what he did) which has really turned off the coworkers--one guy even refuses to work with him now!
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Post by renateb on Jul 10, 2015 16:07:05 GMT
There is a good chance the wife might take him back - I know she shouldn't, but we also know many women do, for various reasons. If she does, your comments to her may stop her from coming to you when (not if) he does it again. Of course you can (and should) avoid him, but I would stop telling her you plan to do that, and just be a support for her if she turns to you. Another possibility is she could tell him what you said, and that will likely create issues between your DH and him at work. So I would keep quiet when talking with her about what you think of her DH - it won't help her any, and could cause issues down the track. Vent and cuss the swine out all you like here and to your DH though. What a disgusting individual. What stood out to me is that the wife is PMing you all the details. This stands out to me as that either A) she has no close friend she feels she can turn too and/or B) trusts you and is comfortable around you. She doesn't need somebody to tell her what she should do. She knows what she should do. She needs a support system that she can turn to to gain the strength to do what she knows she needs to do. Simple words of if you and the kids need a place to stay your are always welcome here. Give her a phone number to call if she doesn't have it. Maybe encourage her to leave an emergency change of clothes at your house just in case (this would also make it easier to make that call if she needs to because she already made the first step). Coach her to have her car packed with emergency stuff (cash (credit cards may be cancelled by husband), copies of birth certificates, think packing for an overnight stay). That should just always be in vehicle. Instead of focusing on the husband and his actions, focus on her, her kids and their safety and what you can do to help in that regard.
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Post by lucyg on Jul 10, 2015 16:10:12 GMT
I think you're doing the right thing. Those poor little boys.
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Jul 10, 2015 16:11:07 GMT
You are not being unreasonable! And yes, do keep & print any info she shares about the abuse & give it to the police & cps. They will want that. Did cps interview the kids & wife? Take photos? I sure hope so. And in that case, even if she "takes him back" (NO!!! I can't scream no loud enough) CPS will not drop the case, and most likely neither will the prosecutor. In cases of abuse the charges are files against the defendant by the prosecutor (instead of the wife/child) and cannot be dropped by a wife changing her mind. She will be called as a witness to testify. And as far as that low life piece of shit husband of hers - He is a con artist of the worst kind. Abusers almost always are. They can look normal, like the most caring family man, even, but behind closed doors they are another person altogether. So when you hear everyone is so "shocked" to hear he abused his kids, only people who had some measure of trust in him will be shocked. CPS won't be shocked. PD won't be shocked. They've seen his kind a thousand times. What you wrote is just how I feel about him! Yes, the wife called CPS herself and has talked to her once and then has flaked on 3 other appt's! (CPS, not the wife). She has been asking them about counseling for all of them. I hope she does not take him back, he had hit her before as well as the kids and she tells me that she doesn't trust him!
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Jul 10, 2015 17:27:37 GMT
Coworker is playing it off to DH as it was accident, one time thing and that his wife is overreacting. I have made it clear to my DH and the wife that this man is not welcome in my home nor do I have a desire to ever be around him ever again; what he has done is unforgivable! I have mention this several times to the wife, because she may take him back when all is said and done. I don't have to be anywhere around him. Am I unreasonable for making this statement? I mean it, I cannot stand what he has done to these little boys and his wife!! I feel there is something missing here if you are asking if you are being unreasonable? Is your husband suggesting you are? There is a lot that needs to play out in the system, both in criminal court and through the CPS investigation. Even if the criminal charges are dropped the CPS investigation would (in my county) mean that dad can't just go home. All family members would be required to complete a variety of parenting, DV and other therapies/classes before reunification might be possible. If mom lets dad back in the house before that plays out it would trigger a removal of the children from both parents. How has your DH's employer responded to the arrest and charges? No, my DH wanted to beat the crap out of him when he saw the police/hospital pics of his boy with two black eyes and a cut on his nose (his nose also bled)! I think that the wife will be thinking I am unreasonable when any social activities are turned down by me (not work stuff but the few dinners and outings). The husband/coworker has no idea what a piece of crap I think he is and has not been told that he is not welcome anymore. UPDATE: he has cut her bank card off-she's got no access to cash via debit/ATM. SAYS HIS LAWYER TOLD HIM TO DO THAT!!! He, so far has not worried about anything except his paycheck being "all his" , worried about the guns he owns (she had them removed from the home before he came back and before he was arrested, by advice of the police) , and just worried about him going to jail. He's not asked once if his boy was ok!!
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 19, 2024 10:35:25 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 10, 2015 17:30:59 GMT
Do not feel guilty for not wanting that monster in your home. I hope to God the wife doesnt take him back. He will never change. If my husband laid a hand on our daughter, it would not be pretty here. And I would not have to think twice about kicking him out.
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Jul 10, 2015 17:45:47 GMT
There is a good chance the wife might take him back - I know she shouldn't, but we also know many women do, for various reasons. If she does, your comments to her may stop her from coming to you when (not if) he does it again. Of course you can (and should) avoid him, but I would stop telling her you plan to do that, and just be a support for her if she turns to you. Another possibility is she could tell him what you said, and that will likely create issues between your DH and him at work. So I would keep quiet when talking with her about what you think of her DH - it won't help her any, and could cause issues down the track. Vent and cuss the swine out all you like here and to your DH though. What a disgusting individual. What stood out to me is that the wife is PMing you all the details. This stands out to me as that either A) she has no close friend she feels she can turn too and/or B) trusts you and is comfortable around you. She doesn't need somebody to tell her what she should do. She knows what she should do. She needs a support system that she can turn to to gain the strength to do what she knows she needs to do. Simple words of if you and the kids need a place to stay your are always welcome here. Give her a phone number to call if she doesn't have it. Maybe encourage her to leave an emergency change of clothes at your house just in case (this would also make it easier to make that call if she needs to because she already made the first step). Coach her to have her car packed with emergency stuff (cash (credit cards may be cancelled by husband), copies of birth certificates, think packing for an overnight stay). That should just always be in vehicle. Instead of focusing on the husband and his actions, focus on her, her kids and their safety and what you can do to help in that regard. Both A&B are correct. When he was arrested she made sure that she took the kids (3 of them) elsewhere for the week. I wondered what was up because we don't talk daily, and that first entire week she was texting me asking questions about when the guys were coming home from being in another state working, what time were they leaving...etc. so I found that odd and asked what was up and she told me. She wanted to know so that the police would come and arrest him as soon as he arrived so he would not try to find her. He was taken to jail within an hour of arriving home. His parents could not get ahold of him that night so called wife the next day asking for him and so she told them what happened. They were mortified and said that they would give wife/kids emotional support. They tricked her and are passing messages from her husband to her and they are telling her that the money in their joint account is his, (she does not work she stays home with the 3 small kids) they then were trying to get HIS attorney on the phone to talk to her because he wants to speak to her!!! I told her not to do any of that crap, to call her attorney immediately and that I would refrain from speaking to his parents right now!! His mom keeps telling her that she just needs to reconcile and that they need Jesus!
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Jul 10, 2015 17:47:21 GMT
I think you're doing the right thing. Those poor little boys. They are the sweetest little things!
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