SWIMSUIT SHOPPING WITH A 13 YR OLD

It's been a while since I shopped with one that young, but when I only things that I thought looked appropriate on the hanger went in the dressing room. some things slipped through because my dd developed young and some things were hard to judge, but she knew that if I didn't approve I wasn't buying it.

My DD is 16 and thin. I still don't let her wear a bikini. She does wear 2 piece tankinies, one tankini from Lands' End, another from Target and another from Old Navy. Not every girl wears a bikini. One piece suits can be cute, but since DD is tall, tankinis fit her better.

Mine are 12 and 14 so we're in the thick of this. With the 14 year old, I've chosen to keep my objections to things that are overtly designed to sexualize, like push up cups or tiny triangles that don't cover the entire breast. Also don't allow butt cheeks hanging out. I've just said that her body is nothing to be ashamed of, but that we keep our private areas private and that's not up for discussion.

Other than that, I've chosen this year to bite my tongue on some things that I felt uncomfortable with. I've been a little vindicated because she quickly realized the bikini she thought was so cute turned out to be really uncomfortable and embarrassing at the water park. Sometimes you have to let them learn the hard way.

My daughters have always worn bikinis. When they were little, it was so much easier for them to go to the bathroom. They had a mix of tankinis and bikinis when they were younger, but like the bikinis now. They are pre-teen and teenagers now. They have found great bikinis at Target. They don't like the way they look in a one piece, and they are really happy with the bikinis. They have a ton of swimsuits because we go to the pool a lot and to the beach for a month in the summer. Target swimsuits have held up really well for us!

My kids are so picky about how they look in clothes, so I am happy that they feel comfortable in their swimsuits. Good luck finding something!

Uggg I feel ya. My daughters are 14 and 12 and are "woman sizes". Either it's string bikini bottoms and triangle or very low cut tops or it's big supported padded push up bras. They don't want to wear bikinis, not from anything I've said, and don't want their boobs hanging out. It's so hard to find them swimsuits that they like and that don't cost a fortune. Swimsuits wear out so fast also and before we know it we are on the hunt for a new one....again.

I am very frank with my very developed 14 yr old.

I tell her just as it is.

"Sweetie, you look twenty in that swimsuit, and all men, 14-90 yrs old, will want to ogle you. Some will not realize that you are 14 and will try to do more than ogle. When you are 18 yrs old, you can choose this bikini. For now, It's my job to protect you, and we will find something with a little more coverage."

This year was the first year she's not wearing a one piece. She chose a tankini with boyshort bottoms.

She's still very curvacious in it, and looks like a knock out in it, but I'm not afraid anything will pop out of it when she goes swimming.

It's hard when all of a sudden our little babies become *gulp* *whispered* sexy.

My dd is tiny, but I was that well-developed 13-year-old. I think in the end it comes down to there are bikinis and there are bikinis. This summer my daughter has a roxy bikini. There was an option with a triangle top and an option with more coverage. We got that one. There were also board shorts that matched, which we purchased. She is very sporty, so the board short with the fuller coverage top made us both happy.

An example, this top: www.roxy.com/lacy-days-racer-back-halter-ARJX303129.html?dwvar_ARJX303129_color=kvj0&dwvar_ARJX303129_size=l

instead of this top: www.roxy.com/slide-ARJX303128.html?dwvar_ARJX303128_size=l&dwvar_ARJX303128_color=kvj0

I would always say "that is for when you are older"

This is when I am so happy to have a 12 year old who prefers one pieces. She even wants to wear mesh shorts over them. She has a cute figure but thankfully still wants to be covered. So many of her friends want and wear bikinis though.

For me - and this is just for me, because I don't intend to tell anyone how to parent their teens - it's because I think young teens still need a lot of guidance and don't always understand the ramifications of their choices.

If something my daughter puts on her body is going to earn her the wrong kind of attention, I would prefer her to know that, and if I'm paying for it, I'm certainly not going to pay for something that I don't think is good for her.

We go to the water park and the pool and I so frequently see young ladies who look beautiful in their bikinis, girls of many shapes and sizes who can wear a bikini and look quite attractive... who don't realize yet the implications of looking quite so grownup and sexy.

My personal standard for our swimwear is one piece or tankini, but there are a number of very modest bikinis that would be more than fine.

It is a little more restrictive than "if you have the confidence to wear it then wear it" - the difference may be in the definition of covered up in all the right places.

I don't believe that true confidence in ones self should come from how your body looks on display. A person of substance attracts the right kind of attention without putting her body on display in a way that makes others around her uncomfortable. The younger a girl is when she figures out that her body is not her power, the better her life will be.

If I had a daughter she would take her father shopping for bathing suits. If he's comfortable with what she picks, I would be too.

My DD developed early and she was and is stacked. I had expected this because I also developed early and have a large bust. As DD was growing up, I would say to her to enjoy the camisole and spaghetti tops while she could because we were pretty sure that she wouldn't be able to wear them after puberty.

When we watched a movie or show, I would point out to DD how often the character with large boobs was written as an airhead who only had her physical assets to help her get ahead. She also noticed how often male characters would fixate on a large chest and fail to see the person behind, or above, the boobs. We have spent countless hours discussing how to dress for the success and respect you want, while also discussing the when it was ok to "let the girls shine," so to speak. I encouraged DD, over the years, to spend time online looking at what other women with her body type wear and thinking about what clothing styles really supported them or hurt them in their quest to be seen as competent women.

When we went into the dressing room, I always allowed her to try on a couple of heart attack outfits, something that she would never in a million years want or be allowed to wear. These were just for fun and to acknowledge that, yes, she did have a fine rack. We might talk about what reaction she could expect if she wore one of these outfits in public and was that the kind of attention she was looking for. LOL DD was honest enough that there were times she would say she WOULD like to see so-and-so with his tongue on the ground, which made the day even more fun. Sometimes she would take a photo and send it to her Dad and ask if he thought she should get one or two of that particular outfit. Dad would respond with suitable "over my dead body" and "are you trying to cause me to have a heart attack?" texts, and then all photos would be deleted.

After the fun suits, we moved on to real suits. Because Dd kayaked, she already had a large collection of sports bras and spandex bottoms, so she wanted her for fun swim suits to be less practice clothes. I was very careful to criticize the clothes, not the body, when I didn't care for a selection. I might say that a suit lacked the construction to handle her size bosom, or the bottoms might be better for someone with a different rear shape. We would discuss whether a suit was made for lounging in the sun or for getting in the water and would it stay put when wet. Early on we agreed that some outfits look better on the hanger than they do on a body and that, no matter how cute the outfit, if it didn't look good on her, we weren't interested.

I think the reason that DD and I shop together so well is the discussions we have before we go shopping. We talk about why she is looking for a particular piece, how she wants to be looked at when she wears it, and what is required to take care of the clothing. We set a budget, decide which stores we want to hit, and THEN we go shopping. So far, we've both lived to shop another day. LOL

DD is now 20 and she still asks me to shop with her. She says I give her honest answers on what suits her and is appropriate for her. I'm thrilled that she values my opinion - I'd rather be boiled in oil than shop with my mom.

Marcy

Edited to add: DD had no choice but to wear 2 pieces. She has such a disparity between her cup size, her chest measurement, and her lower measurements that a 1 piece was out of the question. She usually chose well supported bikini tops because they fit and stayed in place better than tankinis. Most of her bottoms were boy short styles, but there were a few, meant mostly for sunning, that were more traditional suit styles. She was allowed one suit that was STRICTLY for sunning on the back deck. To ensure that it didn't "accidentally" make it's way in her swim bag, she had to put it in my hands as she left the house.

For us (and of course this is personal and your family has to figure out what is right for you) when they were very young the rule was "no triangle tops" and that evolved later to "no strings only".

That worked pretty well for a long time and let them be cute and fashionable but not too revealing. Over time we've talked a lot about "appropriate to the situation". A cute little bikini might be fine for sitting around a private backyard pool with a group of girlfriends mostly sunning and not swimming. But that suit would not be appropriate for a day at the water park involving lots of activity - you don't want to miss out on the fun of the water slide worrying about losing your top. Likewise the crowded neighborhood pool needs a bit more coverage in case boys decide to horse around.

It's hard to know exactly where to draw the line. My mother did a lot of body shaming with regard to swimwear (and shorts and skirts) and I wanted to avoid that.

True confidence comes from being yourself.  However, it is far more important to build confidence than destroy it as a parent.  Wearing a bikini is not necessarily putting your body on display.  Displaying confidence in what a person wears has nothing to do with the source of their life power. It means that are comfortable with who they are physically and what they look like in their choice.  Why knock anyone down for displaying body confidence?  Seems such a shallow, mean thing to do.