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Post by heather on Jul 17, 2015 20:52:41 GMT
I'm experiencing an ongoing issue with a friend.
I know the proper thing is to be nice about it because I believe she has anxiety issues that makes her back out of stuff.
But I'm over it.
But then I feel guilty about it because I know she doesn't like it either.
But I'm over it.
And I'm mad at myself because once again I let my hopes get up just to have her cancel. Again. Why do I do that to myself? I know who she is.
So I'm going to throw myself a pity party then get over it. But I'm tired of getting over it.
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quiltz
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,696
Location: CANADA
Jun 29, 2014 16:13:28 GMT
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Post by quiltz on Jul 17, 2015 20:57:14 GMT
I'm experiencing an ongoing issue with a friend. I know the proper thing is to be nice about it because I believe she has anxiety issues that makes her back out of stuff. But I'm over it. But then I feel guilty about it because I know she doesn't like it either. But I'm over it. And I'm mad at myself because once again I let my hopes get up just to have her cancel. Again. Why do I do that to myself? I know who she is. So I'm going to throw myself a pity party then get over it. But I'm tired of getting over it. I have BTDT and as both sides of this equation. Have a glass of wine and have your pity party. Your friend does have anxiety issues. The one thing that helped me was having tickets to an event that were non-refundable. That forced me to go. Try to arrange something where it is more than just the two of you. That way if she does back out, there is still a function/event that you will go to.
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oldcrow
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,828
Location: Ontario,Canada
Jun 26, 2014 12:25:29 GMT
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Post by oldcrow on Jul 17, 2015 20:57:49 GMT
Have a glass of wine and some chocolate.
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Post by heather on Jul 17, 2015 21:01:56 GMT
Well she did back out of a non refundable event once. I got stuck with the cost.
I admit to not being very mature about that one.
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Post by Regina Phalange on Jul 17, 2015 21:05:22 GMT
I'm experiencing an ongoing issue with a friend. I know the proper thing is to be nice about it because I believe she has anxiety issues that makes her back out of stuff. But I'm over it. But then I feel guilty about it because I know she doesn't like it either. But I'm over it. And I'm mad at myself because once again I let my hopes get up just to have her cancel. Again. Why do I do that to myself? I know who she is. So I'm going to throw myself a pity party then get over it. But I'm tired of getting over it. I feel your pain. I have a friend just like that. Although she has no anxiety issues. She's just inconsiderate. I thought it was HILARIOUS when she had a Partylite party and had about 10 friends reply that they would come, and then they didn't. And she was so upset and offended. So it's okay for HER to do it to her friends, but not the other way around. I love her, I put up with it. She's also one of those that doesn't like to be told what's wrong with her.
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sharlag
Drama Llama
I like my artsy with a little bit of fartsy.
Posts: 6,574
Location: Kansas
Jun 26, 2014 12:57:48 GMT
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Post by sharlag on Jul 17, 2015 21:13:00 GMT
Posts like this make me more determined to go out with friends when invited, and not reneg. I'm the friend who is relieved when plans are cancelled.
You're justified in being upset.
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Post by originalvanillabean on Jul 17, 2015 21:13:03 GMT
You teach people how to treat you. Sorry, she flakes on you - too many disappointments.
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quiltz
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,696
Location: CANADA
Jun 29, 2014 16:13:28 GMT
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Post by quiltz on Jul 17, 2015 21:15:27 GMT
Well she did back out of a non refundable event once. I got stuck with the cost. I admit to not being very mature about that one. So sorry that you were stuck with the cost. I was referring to a situation where she had paid for her own ticket. I have learned the hard way that I only make plans that have a non-refundable cost to them is to have everyone has given me the money prior to the purchase of the event.
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Post by freecharlie on Jul 17, 2015 21:16:03 GMT
I'd quit inviting her. It isn't being immature.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 3, 2024 10:06:59 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 17, 2015 21:15:58 GMT
My motto for my flaky friend...look for her when you see her coming. I also have zero issues doing things by myself.
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lesley
Drama Llama
My best friend Turriff, desperately missed.
Posts: 7,172
Location: Scotland, Scotland, Scotland
Jul 6, 2014 21:50:44 GMT
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Post by lesley on Jul 17, 2015 21:19:03 GMT
So I'm going to throw myself a pity party then get over it. But I'm tired of getting over it. Just don't expect your friend to join you. Sorry, I couldn't resist it. I do sympathise, I had a friend like this and it is infuriating, hurtful and depressing when they do this. My friend used to be full of enthusiasm for outings, dinner, concerts etc, and then she would just casually pull out. I even gave her one of three tickets I had to my university graduation, and she flaked on that on the same morning.
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Post by heather on Jul 17, 2015 22:12:43 GMT
So I'm going to throw myself a pity party then get over it. But I'm tired of getting over it. Just don't expect your friend to join you. Sorry, I couldn't resist it. I do sympathise, I had a friend like this and it is infuriating, hurtful and depressing when they do this. My friend used to be full of enthusiasm for outings, dinner, concerts etc, and then she would just casually pull out. I even gave her one of three tickets I had to my university graduation, and she flaked on that on the same morning. I laughed. But it's this exactly. She is the one making plans. Then backs out. Infuriating. She made plans last year for something this fall. But then backed out because she didn't know how to get her son to a sports practice. Umm. You have 18 months to figure it out. So I made my own plans that did not include her and she got all butt hurt. I know I'm making her sound all bad. But she's not and that's why we are still friends. But damn. Every time she cancels I reevaluate our friendship.
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Post by Dori~Mama~Bear on Jul 17, 2015 22:25:40 GMT
I am a person that has anxiety. On any given day at any given time that anxiety and rip me a new one. It can chew me up and spit me out. I don't have to do anything or think of any thing to have it happen. It just does. I would go to your friends house and pick her up. be understanding. It isn't fun being the one with the anxiety problems. It isn't always easy for us. We are over it to. but unlike you we just can't be over it. we have to live with it.
It is always easier for me to do stuff if I have a person to go with that means leave my house with. get in the car with. drive to the place with. maybe you need to be the one that goes to her with the wine and chocolate.
I am not trying to sound like a bitch but I know how she feels. It is not easy living with this. and we know that it isn't easy for friends and family to live with us living with this.
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Post by heather on Jul 17, 2015 22:31:18 GMT
I am a person that has anxiety. On any given day at any given time that anxiety and rip me a new one. It can chew me up and spit me out. I don't have to do anything or think of any thing to have it happen. It just does. I would go to your friends house and pick her up. be understanding. It isn't fun being the one with the anxiety problems. It isn't always easy for us. We are over it to. but unlike you we just can't be over it. we have to live with it. It is always easier for me to do stuff if I have a person to go with that means leave my house with. get in the car with. drive to the place with. maybe you need to be the one that goes to her with the wine and chocolate. I am not trying to sound like a bitch but I know how she feels. It is not easy living with this. and we know that it isn't easy for friends and family to live with us living with this. She lives several hours away from me. I have made the drive to her house twice this year already. It's been at least 2 years since she's made the effort for me.
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Post by Dori~Mama~Bear on Jul 17, 2015 22:37:14 GMT
Sorry then I am not sure what to tell you there. I know how hard it is for me at times. I think she might be using it as an excuse.
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Post by gryroagain on Jul 17, 2015 23:45:53 GMT
Oh my gosh, we have the same friend. I am currently about to pull my hair out because she is waffling about coming to see me for a couple days, and it involves me sending a cat away (I am in another city for 5 weeks but we have an apt and took a cat) because she is allergic. She is coming, she isn't, she is, she isn't...I get it. She has anxiety and panic attacks sometimes. But she really, REALLY needs to get away from her husband and kids for a while and it's like she just won't commit.
But then I feel bad for being annoyed. I'm not really, just disappointed, more for her than for me even! It's hard to explain, but OP, I totally get it.
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scorpeao
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,521
Location: NorCal USA
Jun 25, 2014 21:04:54 GMT
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Post by scorpeao on Jul 18, 2015 0:07:10 GMT
I just don't make plans anymore. I used to make a bunch of plans and then back out. It definitely has to do with anxiety, so now I just tell everyone I'm busy.
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Post by txdancermom on Jul 18, 2015 1:04:49 GMT
I understand, I have a co-worker who is being petty about something and I am caught in the middle.
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happymomma
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,078
Aug 6, 2014 23:57:56 GMT
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Post by happymomma on Jul 18, 2015 21:48:04 GMT
She needs to learn not to make plans. Lol. Seriously, I stopped making plans a few years ago. I have a physical illness and had to cancel too many times. My friends were always sympathetic but I'm sure they got plenty frustrated too. I mean, I was the sick one and it frustrated and upset me so I can understand them being upset even if they never showed it to me. Anxiety is an illness just as much as my migraines are, so I get it, but life will be easier on her if she doesn't set herself or friends up for disappointment. These days I rarely commit to anything in advance because I just never know how I'll feel 'next Teusday at one o'clock'. I have beautiful supportive friends who come visit me and who'll give me a call the day of something to see if I'm up for it. I'm able to enjoy some activities this way. It stinks, but that's life.
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Post by Zee on Jul 18, 2015 22:29:21 GMT
She may not be able to help it, but I'd have to move on if I were you. You can be available for her when she's ready but I'd quit making plans that she always backs out of.
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mallie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,253
Jul 3, 2014 18:13:13 GMT
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Post by mallie on Jul 19, 2015 0:33:48 GMT
At a certain point, anyone who is not a masochist will be done with someone reneging on plans. Especially if that costs money, time and or lost opportunities. There really is a limit. Why is her anxiety issue more important than anything else and if she can't help it, she can help making p l ans.
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Post by maryland on Jul 19, 2015 0:37:44 GMT
Well she did back out of a non refundable event once. I got stuck with the cost. I admit to not being very mature about that one. I don't blame you! Unless it was an emergency, I would hope she refunds you. If it was me, I would have!
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Post by Minty118 on Jul 19, 2015 1:00:30 GMT
Wow, I have a friend exactly like that too! She asks me if I want to do something, but then has no idea what she wants to do, and flakes 10 minutes before we are to meet. Finally I backed off, and we haven't seen or talked to each other in two years. It's a shame because we've been friends since third grade.
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cycworker
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,375
Jun 26, 2014 0:42:38 GMT
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Post by cycworker on Jul 19, 2015 1:17:12 GMT
I had a friend like this. It wasn't anxiety related, though. I finally had to just let her go.
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dald222
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,602
Jun 27, 2014 0:50:15 GMT
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Post by dald222 on Jul 19, 2015 4:13:50 GMT
I am sorry you are feeling bad. I started to have have anxiety issues for the last year or so. I never had them in my whole life. (58 yrs). Different day are different. I feel so scared & panicked. afraid of everything.. when I go in the car..(for no reason)at home too. It turns out I was diagnosed with huntingtons disease 2 weeks ago. that is one of the symptoms. My best scrap friend knows that I may have to cancel. She has medical issues too so she has had to cancel lots of times over the years. we were always very sad though but we both understood. I always told her I would never be angry at her for having to cancel for medical issues even if I was sad we had to cancel. She would never be mad at me for having to cancel for medical issue which Anxiety is. That would not be fair of me to be angry for her to be sick She would not be angry at me for it either anxiety is horrible on some days for me. it is an illness like any other disease.. I totally understand you feeling sad about her cancelling all the time. (((((((HUGS)))))) I can't tell you which day it will be there so she probably can't either.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Jul 19, 2015 4:20:38 GMT
I couldn't do it. That would drive me nuts. If I still liked the person, I would probably limit my plans with them to visiting them at their house when it worked for ME.
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grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Jul 19, 2015 16:16:11 GMT
I had to give up on friends like that. It's just too frustrating and annoying to be at the mercy of flakers. Yes, anxiety is real but sometimes (in my experience, most of the time) it's used as an excuse. And I just had to pull away because it was all about them and they couldn't be counted on. I'd had enough. We had fun until the excuses started to fly. Now we're acquaintances at best.
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Post by heather on Jul 19, 2015 16:42:03 GMT
While anxiety may make her back out, it's not forcing her to make the plans. And that is what I have a problem with. I didn't plan this weekend out. She did.
But this is the last time I'm going to be hurt by it. I don't know why I keep falling for it. I'm Charlie Brown and she's Lucy with the football.
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back to *pea*ality
Pearl Clutcher
Not my circus, not my monkeys ~refugee pea #59
Posts: 3,149
Jun 25, 2014 19:51:11 GMT
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Post by back to *pea*ality on Jul 19, 2015 17:13:25 GMT
Stop making plans with her unless at least one (or more) mutual friends are included, that way if she chooses to back out, you carry on without her. I would be frank with her about it too. You seem be be understanding about her anxiety issues but this friendship is increasing your anxiety and not healthy for you.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 3, 2024 10:07:00 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 19, 2015 17:58:20 GMT
I'm experiencing an ongoing issue with a friend. I know the proper thing is to be nice about it because I believe she has anxiety issues that makes her back out of stuff. But I'm over it. But then I feel guilty about it because I know she doesn't like it either. But I'm over it. And I'm mad at myself because once again I let my hopes get up just to have her cancel. Again. Why do I do that to myself? I know who she is. So I'm going to throw myself a pity party then get over it. But I'm tired of getting over it. Stop getting over it. Tell her flat out that once she is in intensive therapy and medication for anxiety you'll give her some more chances. But as long as she isn't going to do anything on her end (beyond wishing she was different) There is no reason for me to do all the work of trying to keep a friendship. If she won't get help I can't help her.
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