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Post by lucyg on Jul 27, 2015 6:04:22 GMT
Cupcake said: eh, one out of two ain't bad. I probably saw you post one thing, one time, that I thought sounded conservative and promptly labeled you a conservative in my head and never updated. Sorry about that. I hope your nephew is just going through a difficult adolescent phase and it passes soon. Glad he responded to criticism and removed the Confederate flag.
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Post by not2peased on Jul 27, 2015 12:49:17 GMT
After reading your update, I can't help but wonder why on earth you'd put out on the internet, forever, something so negative about your nephew and other members of your family.
I will tell you that you cannot control others, but you are in complete control of your own actions, words, behavior and attitude.
I must tell you, that the way you're behaving and the way that you're gossiping and putting all of this "out there" doesn't reflect well on you.
I do wonder if somewhere out there on the internet, your sister, your nephew are out there trashing you and telling the world about all of their flaws and mistakes.
Don't go looking for drama. From what I can tell, none of anything you've posted involves you. Just leave it alone. you are handslapping her for discussing this? LOL!! she isn't giving away her family's darkest secrets, she's talking about a nephew who is publicly displaying a really offensive sticker.
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Post by Miss Ang on Jul 27, 2015 12:52:20 GMT
After reading the UPDATE and being the mom of teens I would guess that this boy felt very picked on and like everyone was talking about him or even forcing him to do something he didn't want to do. It is likely that he didn't even want to be at a family reunion (my teens would never have prefered a family reunion over hanging w/friends!) and his "temper on display" that you saw is a result of that & the fact that his personal expression (Confederate battle flag) is a topic of discussion and possibly "odd man out" feelings. He's young. Be his friend or let him be but don't pick on him or make him feel isolated. Do you think that this sounds ok? You think it's ok that the whole family is gossiping about a young teen? A young teen whom you mention "isn't the most connected kid." So your teen seen, along with a few other teen cousins ignored him and proceeded to have fun together all weekend. You ignored him and spoke to the rest of the family with him being the only exception. How sweet of you. Honest to goodness! You know that the child is struggling with his peers at this "family" event and you know that the last conversation you had with him was you chastising him. Did it not occur to you that maybe you could offer a little kindness to him? And the poor kid even took OFF the flag that you were soooo upset about but you still said nothing to him. IMO, it sounds like in this "family" the kid can't win. I feel awfully sad for him.
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Deleted
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Sept 28, 2024 13:39:51 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 27, 2015 12:59:59 GMT
After reading your update, I can't help but wonder why on earth you'd put out on the internet, forever, something so negative about your nephew and other members of your family.
I will tell you that you cannot control others, but you are in complete control of your own actions, words, behavior and attitude.
I must tell you, that the way you're behaving and the way that you're gossiping and putting all of this "out there" doesn't reflect well on you.
I do wonder if somewhere out there on the internet, your sister, your nephew are out there trashing you and telling the world about all of their flaws and mistakes.
Don't go looking for drama. From what I can tell, none of anything you've posted involves you. Just leave it alone. you are handslapping her for discussing this? LOL!! she isn't giving away her family's darkest secrets, she's talking about a nephew who is publicly displaying a really offensive sticker. Not so much that she's bringing the issue with the sticker/flag here, but it's all the other stuff she "added" to enhance the story. She thinks her sister is a shitty mom. Her nephew hasn't made the best decisions. Her nephew isn't the most connected. Her nephew hates school. Both her sister and nephew are in the dark and don't read or keep up with current events. There was "buzzing from the family".
See? Other than the fact that they don't keep up with current events, NONE of the other "stuff" is any way relevant and to me, equals nothing more than petty gossip from adults that should know better.
Honestly, I feel sorry for the kid because it sure as hell doesn't sound like he has any adult role models in his entire family.
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Post by not2peased on Jul 27, 2015 17:01:30 GMT
ahh, the "I feel sorry for the kid" card has been played, LOL
I don't think anyone thought the kid should be flogged, and as you can see by the reaction of folks at the cookout-the kid clearly needed a parent to offer some guidance, and spare him some embarrassment and shame at his stupid behavior. the aunt was offering a kindness by sharing her opinion of the nephew's boneheaded decision-no need to feel sorry for the kid-unless you feel sorry that his parents are clueless and could have spared him some embarrassment
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Post by lurkingsince2001 on Jul 27, 2015 20:19:44 GMT
ahh, the "I feel sorry for the kid" card has been played, LOL I don't think anyone thought the kid should be flogged, and as you can see by the reaction of folks at the cookout-the kid clearly needed a parent to offer some guidance, and spare him some embarrassment and shame at his stupid behavior. the aunt was offering a kindness by sharing her opinion of the nephew's boneheaded decision-no need to feel sorry for the kid-unless you feel sorry that his parents are clueless and could have spared him some embarrassment I do feel sorry for the kid. And your tone, which I took to be mocking and condescending, isn't going to change that. This isn't like when we point out that someone played the pea-mail card or has a ______ friend so they can't be _______. This is concern for a pea's family which should never be scoffed at. If you can't see any red flags here (pardon the pun) that's your view, that doesn't mean that the rest of us will see it the same way or that our advice should be belittled if we don't. If I read you wrong or your LOL at the end actually signified humor instead of the smart-ass laughter it so often does on here, then I apologize in advance. But I still won't understand what you were adding to the thread. Goodness knows it's hard enough to read tone and such through the internet as it is. Is the kid in need of guidance? Yes. Is he also in need of support? Yes. Did he get it? It certainly doesn't sound like it. It sounds like he got to be the main topic of the family event and didn't even get any recognition when he bowed to their will or saw where they were coming from, whichever. I'm hoping it wasn't as bad as OP made it sound because it sounds like he was shunned. She was concerned enough to voice it before the event but then didn't interact with him at all during the weekend? How is he supposed to understand her actions were motivated by genuine care if all he sees is a "cold shoulder"? I think the lesson the family thinks they were teaching might not be what the kid actually learned. People expressed how good it was that he was willing to be guided by his peers and listen to the concerns of his family and do as they wanted him to do. But what if what he really saw was that if he didn't tow the line he was excluded? In a teen's mind, is it that big a jump to feeling unloved, bullied, etc? Would any of us think it was okay for our kid to be treated that way by family or friends for any reason or justification? I hope not. And I hope I misread or that she miswrote and it wasn't as isolating as it sounds. Sure to us it might have been about a flag and what it means TO US, but to the kid it might be so much more, something he'll remember forever. My feelings about the flag aside, I keep thinking about this kid who just got his license AND a new ride and how much he must have been looking forward to showing it off. How he felt older and cooler and wouldn't it be great for all the cousins to tool around together and make memories. And instead people are avoiding him, talking about him behind his back, possibly even mocking him. Maybe he didn't want to be there anyway or maybe he'd been looking forward to it for weeks. But now he sees how everyone's treatment of him and reaction to him has changed based on an inanimate object (I'm leaving out the flag argument/baggage here because I doubt it factors into his thoughts)... so maybe he begins to get defensive or maybe he begins to hate the car. And then the key thing happens and he has to vent out the anger and disappointment, the embarrassment and feeling that nothing is going right. After all, why should he care what they think when they've acted like they think so little of him already? He swapped flags and it still wasn't good enough. He might even wonder if anything he ever did was going to be good enough. This is a kid that OP has admitted already has social issues (although maybe he just can't find anyone he likes who likes him). Isolating behavior is probably not the best way to handle this. So it is my hope that the aunt who was concerned before will be concerned again and not so happy about her families tactics and push that aside, as well as her own view on hot button issue, and see what positive things can be done here. Someone make a phone call or text that says how proud they were of him or how much they love him or something. And don't talk about next time because he probably won't come of his own free will. Would you set yourself up for something like that? My point is: I hope I'm reading too much into it. But if I'm not, the flag isn't the issue anymore. It's how we treat others and what treatment we expect for ourselves and our kids. It's about seeing past our own feelings and remembering what it was like to be a teen whose minds don't always go where we think they should and how sensitive their feelings can be. And making certain that the lesson we actually teach is the one we meant to. I see great potential here for this to go badly or to be a learning experience for all of them and I hope (there's that word again) that they all make the most of it and something great comes of it.
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Post by lucyg on Jul 28, 2015 0:52:00 GMT
lurkingsince2001 (board and/or iPad won't let me quote you today, siiiigh) I think you (and probably others) are reading way more into the OP's posts than are actually there. For example, I didn't see her say that she or anyone else snubbed her nephew. She did say that HE did not interact with the other boys or with anyone. He no doubt needs more attention and/or guidance from his parents or other adults than he is getting, but you can't force it on him, and you can't force him to socialize with the rest of his family. i don't think there's any basis in her posts to blame either her or the extended family for the kid's isolation at this particular occasion. It sounds as though he's isolating himself.
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Post by lisacharlotte on Jul 28, 2015 1:22:11 GMT
I admit the post and update set my teeth on edge. If it was just the flag issue it's worth a discussion. The whole sister's a lousy parent with lousy kids (while throwing in how much better a parent she is and she has better kids) makes me question her concern for her nephew as opposed to bolstering her own position as a great mom. I may be completely wrong, but that was my first read.
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Post by lurkingsince2001 on Jul 28, 2015 1:39:33 GMT
Now, as for our reunion weekend itself: we arrived at a beautiful family campground on Thursday afternoon and got settled. Nephew showed up later in his bright red jeep, decorated with the previously mentioned decor as well as a new addition: a huge confederate-style flag waving from the back of the car. I didn't say a peep. Not my problem. But it did become his problem pretty quickly, as his father (my brother in law) got an earful within minutes from my Uncle, who is the most mild-mannered laid back guy. (I heard other buzzing from the family, but stayed out of it... one cousin did approach me, saying her just-turned-14 DS came to her saying "nephew is weird, and what's with all the flag stuff on his car?") The flag was removed very soon thereafter, and the car backed into an inconspicuous spot. The next day there was a huge American flag waving from the back of the car. There were 3 other teenage boys at this gathering (my DS 15, cousin's son 14, other cousin's son, 18) and nephew was definitely the odd man out. Like one of the posters said, sometimes the message is clearer when it's from your peers. Although I'm not expecting his behavior to change, I'm hoping he will at least think a bit before acting in the future. He actually kept to himself a lot, he did interact but not much. Never said a word to me all weekend, although I talked to my sister, brother in law, and niece. Also over the weekend, nephew locked his keys in the car while it was running. My sister didn't have the 2nd key (it was 3 hours away at home), so they called AAA. Nephew put many dents in his car trying to get the door open, and my sister had to stop him from breaking the window. Having no issue with putting his temper on display was not good (throwing things, slamming tools to the ground, etc.). I'm worried for him. And I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one. Hopefully his parents see it, too. lucyg I hope I am reading into it. But let me see if I can show you how I got there. She talks about how it became a problem early on, within minutes. So no teaching moment, no educating or finding middle ground, but more like the kid's dad was beset upon by her Uncle upon arrival. It sounds angry and loud, not welcoming. She talks of the family buzzing about it, going from person to person with the old "Hey did you ...", how she stayed out of it (which is great because she's not adding to the problem, but she's also not making sure things don't get out of hand either). How is kid supposed to feel knowing their family is talking about them like that? Then one of his cousins supposedly calls him weird, so we have judgement and labeling in those chats. And it's not like his cousins probably didn't say it to his face, right? She refers to him as the ODD MAN OUT. Maybe it's me, but that's not how I refer to someone who is choosing to remain aloof from the group. It's a label I would apply to someone who doesn't fit, isn't one of us, for whatever reason but generally not a positive one. And then she says the message is clearer coming from peers. So some message was being sent to the boy from the actions and reactions of his family that led to him not being one of the group. My question simply was: what was that message and would any of us be okay with it happening to our kid? I ran this scenario by my oldest and was told it was just like the anti-bullying videos they show now. And from my own experience, I know it hurts even more when coming from family. And if asked, he'd probably say "I didn't want to talk to them anyway" or some variation, much like a child says they aren't hurt when you can see the bleeding scrap on their leg. Then she says he kept to himself. Well why wouldn't he? It doesn't sound like anyone welcomed him or gave him a reason to join in. Why should he inject himself into conversations or activities where he might be "buzzed" about? Or someone flat out comment to his face? Awkward. Embarrassing. So many emotions could be in play. None of which I feel should be at a family reunion. Then she talks about interacting with everyone in his family but him. I bet he noticed that too. Just like I bet he has to hear about it all from his parents at home now. And she says she's worried for him and hopes others see it too. So where's the action to support that? She doesn't agree with his parents about their parenting style, in fact says little if anything positive about the subject at all. So we have a kid with social issues, whose parenting she doesn't agree with, she thinks might have anger issues... And the tone of "it wasn't my issue but it sure became his" seems almost gleeful that someone else agrees with her and is gonna act on it. It just rubs me wrong. So yes, I sincerely hope I am misreading. And all this because he doesn't understand the flag issue or just doesn't agree with it. Let's hope the kid never does anything wrong ever again, like drugs, crime, sex, changing religions, whatever. I see a need for damage control and lots of hugs here. And as I am not the first person to point any of this out on this thread, I'm apparently not the only one seeing it. Hopefully we are wrong. And if so, I apologize to Cupcake. But I would advise her to keep an eye on her nephew anyway. And give him a hug and tell him that even if we don't agree with you, we love you.
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Post by Cupcake on Jul 28, 2015 2:56:14 GMT
Wow, go to work for a few hours and BAM! Back to pea-lity!
Praise to LucyG (thank you!) who hit the nail on the head once again. There is a whole lot of assuming and picking apart going on here! Wow!
Yes, I am involved in the lives of my extended family, nephew included. As I said, we had a great time, although I can't speak for everyone. No, nephew was NOT ignored all weekend. He did, in fact, participate in games and such with the family (cornhole, tubing, kickball game, etc), but then slinked off to do his own thing by his own choice. Yes, I am worried about him. Since way before this incident, he has been displaying some behaviors that are worrying me, but these past couple of weeks have really driven home for me that some help is needed. Unfortunately, I can only do so much. My nephew is the oldest grandchild on that side of the family, so he holds a special place in all our hearts; it also makes it that much harder to see him go down a rough path. Yes, nephew has plenty of role models in his life, one being my brother, who nephew does respect and listen to (usually). I know my brother has these same concerns and was planning to talk to him, but not this weekend. No, I am not going to win any "mother of the year" awards for my own parenting, pretty sure I never said anything of the kind; any extra info I added was in direct reply to posts by others to try to better explain the circumstances. Nephew was certainly not the center of gossip this weekend... most of us cousins hardly see each other and had way too much catching up to do!
Hope that covers it. After being a "Pea" for 13+ years, and finding this place within hours of it being set up, I've enjoyed all of the banter and discussion. In all those years, I can't recall ever insulting anyone on the boards, especially someone showing concern for a loved one. Maybe it's because I just got back from vacation, but my flameproof panties must be in the pile with the rest of the laundry. Just not feeling it today.
Lisa B.
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Post by lurkingsince2001 on Jul 28, 2015 4:13:18 GMT
After being a "Pea" for 13+ years, and finding this place within hours of it being set up, I've enjoyed all of the banter and discussion. In all those years, I can't recall ever insulting anyone on the boards, especially someone showing concern for a loved one. If you are referring to my post, the statement regarding insult wasn't geared towards you but not2peased.
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