How can I help this Mom?

Who needs a therapist when you have the Peas, right?



So, my oldest DD, 20, has a boyfriend that is 22. Absolutely darling kid. So smart, a gentleman, a little quiet, very good natured, polite as can be, mostly nerdy, loves animals, recently graduated from a full-ride scholarship to an ivy league school with a dual major in science and math. Working full time right now but in the fall of '16 will be attending another ivy league for his Masters in Physics on a plan that allows him to work in research to pay for his school, along with making enough for a pretty decent salary. Mother's dream kid, right? Well, apparently not.



The more we are getting to know this wonderful, sweet boy, the more we learn about his mother. She has always been employed at decent jobs, and for the last 10 years or so she has been a middle school teacher in another state where he spent his high school years. He was raised by her alone since about age 8 or so, with a sister that was about 10 years older. Dad apparently left the family, no support, no contact, but the details of that are questionable and even he doesn't know the whole story. Sister is estranged, and Mom seems to pit them against each other, telling them that the other wants no contact, and as a result they haven't spoken in years.



DD is learning that his entire childhood was filled with verbal abuse from his mother: constant yelling, name-calling, telling him how stupid he is, what a loser he is, how he will never amount to anything, how awful it was to travel so far away to go to school when it would mean leaving her all alone, how awful of a child he is that he doesn't want to come home to live when he graduated. On and on. At first I thought it was all being exaggerated. I can't imagine a Mom being that terrible to a child as seemingly amazing as this young man. But DD has read the rants and fits his Mom texts him, and has heard the messages on voice mail. Keep in mind, this a kid that graduated at the TOP of his HS class of hundreds of students. He has never gotten into any trouble, and has the sweetest heart.



This last week, DD and BF travelled to his Mom's house, across the country, to visit. DD is now learning firsthand what BF has had to put up with. No hug when he walked in the door, even though she hasn't seen him since Christmas. She has been yelling at him in front of DD, even though BF does nothing to instigate it. He also doesn't try to diffuse it, and DD says that's because he says he's so used to it, he just tunes her out. She constantly berates him for things that are so minor, like her wanting to put the dogs in the bathroom at night because they will tear up the house, and he ALWAYS forgets and then she's left with the mess. She hasn't seen the kid in almost a year, are you kidding me? DD said she spent quite awhile instructing her about how she needs to use this particular masking tape to tape the shower curtain to the wall whenever she showers or it will ruin her tile if the wall gets wet. Then she went on and on about how EVERYTIME BF takes a shower, she has to spend hundreds of dollars retiling her bathroom when it gets ruined. Really? Exaggerate much? They are visiting for a week, and the Mom lives twenty minutes from the airport, yet she refused to go and pick them up when they arrived. She said it was because it would disrupt her schedule. She is a teacher and off for the summer. When a friend picked them up and brought them to the house, she was there doing nothing. She simply let them in and a couple hours later went to bed. They have asked a couple times to borrow her car for a few hours and she refuses. She has complained about "all the food" she had to buy for their visit, yet DD offered to contribute groceries and they have eaten out several times on their own dime. They accompanied her to the vet to pick up one of BF's dogs, and the Mom screamed at the receptionist, refusing to pay the bill because she claims the vet gave her the wrong medicine and made her dog sick on purpose. She left threatening to sue, and then yelled at BF the whole drive home because he refused to back her up in the argument with the vet. "You just sat there and made me look stupid! You never back me up!" is what she told him. WTH? She talks all the time about how she hates her job, hates the students, and doesn't know how she's going to pay her bills since BF decided to go to school and live so far away. What? First of all, he attended school on a FULL RIDE! FULLY funded everything, and worked in the research lab AND as a tutor to pay for every incidental. She has contributed NOTHING financially to his education. He doesn't even have one student loan. It makes no sense.



DD has known him for a year now, and says he has always been loving and kind to her. I've met him a few times, as well, and I can't imagine he ever raises his voice or says unkind things. You can just see what a gentle soul he is, and I want to hug him like crazy each time I see him. I think because I know what he's been through, I imagine that he's hurting more than he lets on. I feel so bad for him, yet DD says he doesn't want DD to talk to us too much about what his childhood was like because he's afraid we will agree with his mom. I imagine he feels embarrassed for her. (?)



What the heck is wrong with this lady? There must be a diagnosable name for what kind of personality disorder she has. I don't suspect she abuses alcohol or drugs. She has a wonderful child, truly wonderful. Yet she treats him so poorly and the damage is surely impacting him in some way. I know DD is absolutely smitten with this sweet boy, and I see them having a future together. I don't want to meddle, but I really wish I could help. Is there anything I could suggest to DD or BF so that he can offer some help to her? Would she even listen? DD says she is really isolated. I feel so strongly that I want to help her, but I have no idea how.