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Post by kernriver on Aug 11, 2015 18:43:11 GMT
Please dont try to help the mom. And dont try to talk to the kid about it. Just be on his side and if anything does come up, back the kid up. She is mentally ill. Sounds like shes got stories going on in her head that make her mad about things for little or no reason. Theres nothing a layperson can do.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 12:39:46 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 11, 2015 19:01:03 GMT
Please dont try to help the mom. And dont try to talk to the kid about it. Just be on his side and if anything does come up, back the kid up. She is mentally ill. Sounds like shes got stories going on in her head that make her mad about things for little or no reason. Theres nothing a layperson can do. I don't plan to talk to BF about it at all. I want our home to be a safe place for him, and if he ever wants to bring it up, I will for sure listen and be there, but I don't ever want him to feel uncomfortable or embarrassed around us. Any advice I have, counseling or other resources, I'll give to my DD so that she can pass it on discreetly.
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Post by christine58 on Aug 11, 2015 19:32:47 GMT
She's mentally ill, that's what's wrong with her. DON'T meddle. Be the strong, balanced, mother figure this kid needs.
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Post by vspindler on Aug 11, 2015 20:23:21 GMT
Don't help the mom. She is not with it. Be a mom to the bf. Give home the kind of family he deserves. My mom and dad were unofficial "parents" to a lot of kids through the years, from kids who worked for her to friends of my brothers' to significant others. I can't tell you how many have made comments about how much they appreciate my parents because of it.
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julieb
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,845
Jul 3, 2014 16:02:54 GMT
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Post by julieb on Aug 11, 2015 23:18:37 GMT
Very sad indeed. I hope your dd will continue to be the positive light this young man needs.
I have a hard time understanding why people put up with someone so toxic in their lives, but it sounds like she is the only relative in his life. I hope he reconnects with his sister.
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Post by myboysnme on Aug 12, 2015 0:37:20 GMT
Whatever her deficits and possible mental challenges, she did raise a man to adulthood who you and your daughter like well enough to consider his as a future family member. So she has some strengths as a parent and you have to be careful also because she is his mother and he is still involved enough with her to bring his girlfriend to stay with her for a week. So when the topic of his mother comes up with him, do not bash her or question her mothering. If you say anything, compliment that she has a wonderful son. Some people grow up well in spite of abusive childhoods, and they are bonded to the abusive parent. Chances are he had enough love to know how to love, and how he treats his mother is an indicator of how he will treat a spouse, so the fact he tolerates her behavior bodes well for your daughter in terms of what he will accept from her in the future.
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Deleted
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Oct 6, 2024 12:39:46 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 12, 2015 14:16:34 GMT
Whatever her deficits and possible mental challenges, she did raise a man to adulthood who you and your daughter like well enough to consider his as a future family member. So she has some strengths as a parent and you have to be careful also because she is his mother and he is still involved enough with her to bring his girlfriend to stay with her for a week. So when the topic of his mother comes up with him, do not bash her or question her mothering. If you say anything, compliment that she has a wonderful son. Some people grow up well in spite of abusive childhoods, and they are bonded to the abusive parent. Chances are he had enough love to know how to love, and how he treats his mother is an indicator of how he will treat a spouse, so the fact he tolerates her behavior bodes well for your daughter in terms of what he will accept from her in the future. That is such a very good point. I think what I'm struggling with now is how many people say, just walk away. Nothing you can do. I guess I know there's nothing I can do personally, but wow, what a sad situation. If someone finds themselves in this lady's situation, is it that Borderline Personality Disorder is not "fixable?" I can't imagine just giving up on someone. How hard would that be? I don't have any personal experience with knowing anyone like this myself, as I have never even met her, but how hard would that be for her adult child to just walk away? I'm sure I would need extensive therapy to know how to let go. Sorry to rant, just so many feelings about this. Definitely planning to send this kids some hugs.
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Post by myboysnme on Aug 12, 2015 15:47:28 GMT
Whatever her deficits and possible mental challenges, she did raise a man to adulthood who you and your daughter like well enough to consider his as a future family member. So she has some strengths as a parent and you have to be careful also because she is his mother and he is still involved enough with her to bring his girlfriend to stay with her for a week. So when the topic of his mother comes up with him, do not bash her or question her mothering. If you say anything, compliment that she has a wonderful son. Some people grow up well in spite of abusive childhoods, and they are bonded to the abusive parent. Chances are he had enough love to know how to love, and how he treats his mother is an indicator of how he will treat a spouse, so the fact he tolerates her behavior bodes well for your daughter in terms of what he will accept from her in the future. That is such a very good point. I think what I'm struggling with now is how many people say, just walk away. Nothing you can do. I guess I know there's nothing I can do personally, but wow, what a sad situation. If someone finds themselves in this lady's situation, is it that Borderline Personality Disorder is not "fixable?" I can't imagine just giving up on someone. How hard would that be? I don't have any personal experience with knowing anyone like this myself, as I have never even met her, but how hard would that be for her adult child to just walk away? I'm sure I would need extensive therapy to know how to let go. Sorry to rant, just so many feelings about this. Definitely planning to send this kids some hugs. I don't get a borderline personality vibe from what you have described. I think she is depressed and frantically trying to control the little bit in her life she thinks she can control. Must be that lots of things were out of her control in her life and she has latched onto things like tile and food. She knows her son is pulling away so her way of dealing with it is to come up with justifications for it so it won't hurt so much to be abandoned. Complex metal processes but probably not borderline.
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Post by jmurray on Aug 12, 2015 16:04:23 GMT
I think after one visit by your DD it's way too soon (perhaps even presumptuous) to talk to the BF about therapy for either him or his mother, and I wouldn't be pointing out self help books to him either. As everyone else has said, you can't fix the mother and personally I would just continue your relationship with him as you have been doing. It might embarrass him or create tension if you try to broach the subject with him right now.
If the relationship between him and your DD turns into something longer and his mother is likely to pop up from time to time then maybe you could ask how he's doing with her. But right now I'd stay out of it, more for his sake than yours.
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blue tulip
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,005
Jun 25, 2014 20:53:57 GMT
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Post by blue tulip on Aug 12, 2015 16:33:12 GMT
Who needs a therapist when you have the Peas, right? So, my oldest DD, 20, has a boyfriend that is 22. Absolutely darling kid. So smart, a gentleman, a little quiet, very good natured, polite as can be, mostly nerdy, loves animals, recently graduated from a full-ride scholarship to an ivy league school with a dual major in science and math. Working full time right now but in the fall of '16 will be attending another ivy league for his Masters in Physics on a plan that allows him to work in research to pay for his school, along with making enough for a pretty decent salary. Mother's dream kid, right? Well, apparently not.What's wrong with the son? You eluded to the fact that the son is not perfect or were you stating that this mother is mentally ill and cannot see her son for who he really is? Let it go, don't meddle. I think what the OP meant by "well, apparently not" is that he definitely doesn't seem to be a dream kid to HIS mom, since she thinks everything he does is wrong.
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Post by my2apps2 on Aug 12, 2015 17:30:21 GMT
Sounds familiar. Emotionally terrorizing your kids is a great parenting plan...I agree that she is mentally ill.
I, having been raised in a similar (though not as severe) situation, also agree that all you can do for him is be the "normal" in his world for as long as he and your daughter are together.
I will disagree that he turned out the way he did because she did something right, he turned out that way in spite of her...not because of her. Some kids have to learn to survive in the world on their own at an early age to escape the crazy at home. For some kids, they turn to acting out and crime...for others, we go the opposite direction. It really is a sad place to grow up in.
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bethany102399
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,623
Oct 11, 2014 3:17:29 GMT
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Post by bethany102399 on Aug 12, 2015 17:47:26 GMT
This. You've just described DH's grandmother to a T. She had some issues that left her in that state, but it didn't make it any easier to deal with her. She won't change, DH's grandmother didn't until the day she died. Honestly, My thought when I heard she had passed was she's got to be in a happier place, because she sure as heck wasn't happy here.
My FIL is a great guy, got out when he could found my MIL and together they raised 4 great kids (my DH and his siblings) so yes, even though she's mentally unstable there's nothing that says her son isn't a wonderful person who loves your DD. SHow him love and kindness, and be the strong person for him he clearly needs.
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Post by originalvanillabean on Aug 12, 2015 19:58:26 GMT
How sad.
I wonder if he felt guilty for not visiting her more often and was hoping that by meeting your DD, she would act differently. That had to be a hard trip to go through with, for him.
Now, his girlfriend has met this "piece of work" and he's probably hoping deep inside that she doesn't throw up her hands and walk away.
I think the best thing for you, is to be kind and loving. If she comes up in conversation, then as PP mentioned, find whatever positive you can. He will appreciate that.
Don't spin your wheels, it sounds like she is past help and you can't help someone that doesn't want it. Provide a supportive environment for them.
I hope they make it together!
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