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Post by Deleted on Aug 11, 2015 15:56:34 GMT
Who needs a therapist when you have the Peas, right?
So, my oldest DD, 20, has a boyfriend that is 22. Absolutely darling kid. So smart, a gentleman, a little quiet, very good natured, polite as can be, mostly nerdy, loves animals, recently graduated from a full-ride scholarship to an ivy league school with a dual major in science and math. Working full time right now but in the fall of '16 will be attending another ivy league for his Masters in Physics on a plan that allows him to work in research to pay for his school, along with making enough for a pretty decent salary. Mother's dream kid, right? Well, apparently not.
The more we are getting to know this wonderful, sweet boy, the more we learn about his mother. She has always been employed at decent jobs, and for the last 10 years or so she has been a middle school teacher in another state where he spent his high school years. He was raised by her alone since about age 8 or so, with a sister that was about 10 years older. Dad apparently left the family, no support, no contact, but the details of that are questionable and even he doesn't know the whole story. Sister is estranged, and Mom seems to pit them against each other, telling them that the other wants no contact, and as a result they haven't spoken in years.
DD is learning that his entire childhood was filled with verbal abuse from his mother: constant yelling, name-calling, telling him how stupid he is, what a loser he is, how he will never amount to anything, how awful it was to travel so far away to go to school when it would mean leaving her all alone, how awful of a child he is that he doesn't want to come home to live when he graduated. On and on. At first I thought it was all being exaggerated. I can't imagine a Mom being that terrible to a child as seemingly amazing as this young man. But DD has read the rants and fits his Mom texts him, and has heard the messages on voice mail. Keep in mind, this a kid that graduated at the TOP of his HS class of hundreds of students. He has never gotten into any trouble, and has the sweetest heart.
This last week, DD and BF travelled to his Mom's house, across the country, to visit. DD is now learning firsthand what BF has had to put up with. No hug when he walked in the door, even though she hasn't seen him since Christmas. She has been yelling at him in front of DD, even though BF does nothing to instigate it. He also doesn't try to diffuse it, and DD says that's because he says he's so used to it, he just tunes her out. She constantly berates him for things that are so minor, like her wanting to put the dogs in the bathroom at night because they will tear up the house, and he ALWAYS forgets and then she's left with the mess. She hasn't seen the kid in almost a year, are you kidding me? DD said she spent quite awhile instructing her about how she needs to use this particular masking tape to tape the shower curtain to the wall whenever she showers or it will ruin her tile if the wall gets wet. Then she went on and on about how EVERYTIME BF takes a shower, she has to spend hundreds of dollars retiling her bathroom when it gets ruined. Really? Exaggerate much? They are visiting for a week, and the Mom lives twenty minutes from the airport, yet she refused to go and pick them up when they arrived. She said it was because it would disrupt her schedule. She is a teacher and off for the summer. When a friend picked them up and brought them to the house, she was there doing nothing. She simply let them in and a couple hours later went to bed. They have asked a couple times to borrow her car for a few hours and she refuses. She has complained about "all the food" she had to buy for their visit, yet DD offered to contribute groceries and they have eaten out several times on their own dime. They accompanied her to the vet to pick up one of BF's dogs, and the Mom screamed at the receptionist, refusing to pay the bill because she claims the vet gave her the wrong medicine and made her dog sick on purpose. She left threatening to sue, and then yelled at BF the whole drive home because he refused to back her up in the argument with the vet. "You just sat there and made me look stupid! You never back me up!" is what she told him. WTH? She talks all the time about how she hates her job, hates the students, and doesn't know how she's going to pay her bills since BF decided to go to school and live so far away. What? First of all, he attended school on a FULL RIDE! FULLY funded everything, and worked in the research lab AND as a tutor to pay for every incidental. She has contributed NOTHING financially to his education. He doesn't even have one student loan. It makes no sense.
DD has known him for a year now, and says he has always been loving and kind to her. I've met him a few times, as well, and I can't imagine he ever raises his voice or says unkind things. You can just see what a gentle soul he is, and I want to hug him like crazy each time I see him. I think because I know what he's been through, I imagine that he's hurting more than he lets on. I feel so bad for him, yet DD says he doesn't want DD to talk to us too much about what his childhood was like because he's afraid we will agree with his mom. I imagine he feels embarrassed for her. (?)
What the heck is wrong with this lady? There must be a diagnosable name for what kind of personality disorder she has. I don't suspect she abuses alcohol or drugs. She has a wonderful child, truly wonderful. Yet she treats him so poorly and the damage is surely impacting him in some way. I know DD is absolutely smitten with this sweet boy, and I see them having a future together. I don't want to meddle, but I really wish I could help. Is there anything I could suggest to DD or BF so that he can offer some help to her? Would she even listen? DD says she is really isolated. I feel so strongly that I want to help her, but I have no idea how.
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Post by freecharlie on Aug 11, 2015 16:03:35 GMT
I don't think you can help the mom. You can tell you dd to try to stay as far away from her as possible.
My sil cut her family out of her life and she is happy with her decision, maybe the boy will one day do the same.
The wedding ought to be fun though
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Deleted
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Oct 6, 2024 12:32:49 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 11, 2015 16:04:40 GMT
There is nothing you can do for her.
There's a reason the BF decided to go away to school and have minimal contact with her.
You can't fix this. No one can, except her and she clearly has no desire to.
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peabay
Prolific Pea
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Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Aug 11, 2015 16:07:11 GMT
She's mentally ill, that's what's wrong with her.
DON'T meddle. Be the strong, balanced, mother figure this kid needs.
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Rhondito
Pearl Clutcher
MississipPea
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Jun 25, 2014 19:33:19 GMT
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Post by Rhondito on Aug 11, 2015 16:11:26 GMT
How horrible
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Post by peanuttle on Aug 11, 2015 16:14:03 GMT
That is horrible. First, I think BF needs counseling to undo what his horrible mother has done. I know you have no control over whether he gets it or not, but he really needs to understand that he is not at fault and needs to be able to move forward without his mom and her controlling, psycho behavior.
There is nothing you can do or say to the mom. She obviously has major issues.
Very sad. He is lucky he has your family, you sound very loving.
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Post by pmk on Aug 11, 2015 16:16:11 GMT
She's mentally ill, that's what's wrong with her. DON'T meddle. Be the strong, balanced, mother figure this kid needs. I agree with this - don't get involved. Be yourself and be there for your daughter and him. They'll need you to balance this out!
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Post by pierkiss on Aug 11, 2015 16:16:41 GMT
You can't help her. Nothing you say to her will even register with her. But it sure as hell will come back to her son, likely in a fit of rage.
Poor guy. He needs to be done with his mother. Such a sad situation.
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Post by rainangel on Aug 11, 2015 16:24:49 GMT
Sounds like what he needs is a strong presence to occasionally give him praise and encouragement. Are you up for it? Someone who can balance out the berating he receives from his mother, and make him realize that what he is doing with his life is nothing short of spectacular. Especially considering.....
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Post by jenb72 on Aug 11, 2015 16:35:38 GMT
I agree with the others - there is absolutely nothing you can or should do for the mother to help her see the error of her ways. She is who she is, whether it's because she's mentally ill or acting out because of how she was raised. You can't control the actions of other people.
What you can do is give this boy a mother figure he can turn to - show him the same compassion, structure and support I assume you've always given your DD. He seems to have risen above the mental and emotional abuse, but I'm sure it's left scars.
Jen
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Post by Legacy Girl on Aug 11, 2015 16:44:16 GMT
Please encourage BF to get counseling ASAP. Anyone who has been treated so poorly throughout his life and continues to "take it" will eventually need an outlet. If he doesn't find a healthy outlet, he may at some point choose less healthy options. If your DD loves him and sees a future with him, it's in her best interest as well as his to make sure he finds someone to help him diffuse the pain, anger, frustration, etc. that he has undoubtedly internalized. All the best to all of you!
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J u l e e
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Jun 28, 2014 2:50:47 GMT
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Post by J u l e e on Aug 11, 2015 16:46:38 GMT
Ditto all of the above. In addition to him getting counseling, if they are serious and decide to get married I would want my daughter to attend counseling with him beforehand. Regular issues show up in our marriage relationships, let alone the issues that are likely to surface in theirs due to such a crappy home experience.
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AnotherPea
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Jan 4, 2015 1:47:52 GMT
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Post by AnotherPea on Aug 11, 2015 16:56:10 GMT
Do you really want to help her? Or just vent about how you believe he is treating her son?
I don't think there is any way to "help" her. Not sure that she needs her help. Not sure it is really any of your business either.
Some of the stuff you mentioned sounds petty. He didn't get a hug when he returned? Some people aren't huggy. My daughter hates hugs so I'd never insist on one when she walked in for a visit.
Now, if you end up sharing grandchildren with this woman, I can understand being concerned. But until then, you should probably just nod your head when your daughter shares stories and throw in"that's a shame." once in a while. The boy is smart and he knows what the deal is with his mother. He can decide what his relationship with her looks like.
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Post by giatocj on Aug 11, 2015 16:56:59 GMT
There is really nothing you can do. I believe...and this is strictly my opinion...that if you choose to get involved it will go very badly for the young man. I'd just leave it alone with her and just try to show him a little safety and stability.
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Post by maryland on Aug 11, 2015 17:01:06 GMT
I am confused as to why you are trying to help the mom? I must have missed something. Her poor son! I would worry that he would think it's normal, and get involved with a woman that treats him badly. At least he has your daughter to show him that he deserves kindness. It should like being around your family is the best thing you can to for him. Just my opinion! Not that it matters what I think!
My mil once told me that her job as a mom is to teach her son how a woman should treat a man, (and her daughter how a man should treat her) and she was so happy when we started dating and she saw that I would do a wonderful job taking care of and protecting her son (and the other way around too!).
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peppermintpatty
Pearl Clutcher
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Jun 26, 2014 17:47:08 GMT
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Post by peppermintpatty on Aug 11, 2015 17:08:27 GMT
Who needs a therapist when you have the Peas, right? So, my oldest DD, 20, has a boyfriend that is 22. Absolutely darling kid. So smart, a gentleman, a little quiet, very good natured, polite as can be, mostly nerdy, loves animals, recently graduated from a full-ride scholarship to an ivy league school with a dual major in science and math. Working full time right now but in the fall of '16 will be attending another ivy league for his Masters in Physics on a plan that allows him to work in research to pay for his school, along with making enough for a pretty decent salary. Mother's dream kid, right? Well, apparently not.What's wrong with the son? You eluded to the fact that the son is not perfect or were you stating that this mother is mentally ill and cannot see her son for who he really is? Let it go, don't meddle.
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Deleted
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Oct 6, 2024 12:32:49 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 11, 2015 17:09:57 GMT
OMG...this is truly a btdt post for me. This was my mother. This mother is mentally ill and NOTHING you or anyone else does will EVER change that. This poor boy grew up knowing nothing but this. You honestly feel like everyone's household must be this way, until you get older and realize everyone else is not that way.
I will skip the long story and get to the punch line per se. When we had my mother physically removed from her home by elderly protective services (because she was living an unsafe existence) and got to know her psychiatrist, he told me that caring for a mentally ill person is the most difficult, stressful thing one could do. He advised me to WALK AWAY and not look back. He said you will never change her, she will always blame you for everything that is wrong in her life. Go take care of yourself!
I heeded his advice and never looked back. I made sure she was in a facility where she was cared for, but no longer subjected myself or my family to her rants. You also can't worry about what others think of that decision.
I hope he cares for himself and doesn't put himself in that situation any longer!
Good luck with everything. Thank you for caring for him, I wish there had been an adult I could have turned to when I went through this.... (I was the oldest of 7 and cared for the younger ones as best I could, dad had walked away years ago).
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 11, 2015 17:13:35 GMT
I would suggest that if they decide to marry, that they go to pre marriage counseling. They will need to learn how to deal with this woman as a couple.
You need to just be there, and stay out of his business.
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scrappert
Prolific Pea
RefuPea #2956
Posts: 7,960
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Jul 11, 2014 21:20:09 GMT
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Post by scrappert on Aug 11, 2015 17:22:54 GMT
She sounds horrible. Just a unhappy, negative person. Support the BF, that is all you can continue to do. I agree with the others, do not get involved with the Mom.
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Post by papersilly on Aug 11, 2015 17:22:47 GMT
nothing you can do for her but stay away. the son is probably committed to doing so well just to get away from her. good for his success.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 11, 2015 17:33:23 GMT
You can't help her. Nothing you say to her will even register with her. But it sure as hell will come back to her son, likely in a fit of rage. Poor guy. He needs to be done with his mother. Such a sad situation. I considered this. I feel like if I suggest to BF that she might need counseling, even if he doesn't mean to repeat to her that I suggested it, it might come out some way in an argument or something like that, then she would have resentment toward me, then toward DD, and then things would escalate from there. I definitely don't want her to take anything out on him.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 11, 2015 17:36:16 GMT
Sounds like what he needs is a strong presence to occasionally give him praise and encouragement. Are you up for it? Someone who can balance out the berating he receives from his mother, and make him realize that what he is doing with his life is nothing short of spectacular. Especially considering..... I'm definitely up for it. Everytime we're around him, we definitely shower him with praise. He is just so much fun and happy, and all our kids truly love him. Even if he and DD don't end up together long term, we want to make sure he knows how amazing he is, and what a healthy family should look like.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 11, 2015 17:38:23 GMT
Please encourage BF to get counseling ASAP. Anyone who has been treated so poorly throughout his life and continues to "take it" will eventually need an outlet. If he doesn't find a healthy outlet, he may at some point choose less healthy options. If your DD loves him and sees a future with him, it's in her best interest as well as his to make sure he finds someone to help him diffuse the pain, anger, frustration, etc. that he has undoubtedly internalized. All the best to all of you! This is good advice. I worry that he's got to have some pent up pain and frustration about so many years of this behavior. Even though he seems level headed and on the right path, some good counseling can only benefit him, especially if he becomes a parent himself.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 11, 2015 17:42:22 GMT
Do you really want to help her? Or just vent about how you believe he is treating her son?
I don't think there is any way to "help" her. Not sure that she needs her help. Not sure it is really any of your business either.
Some of the stuff you mentioned sounds petty. He didn't get a hug when he returned? Some people aren't huggy. My daughter hates hugs so I'd never insist on one when she walked in for a visit.
Now, if you end up sharing grandchildren with this woman, I can understand being concerned. But until then, you should probably just nod your head when your daughter shares stories and throw in"that's a shame." once in a while. The boy is smart and he knows what the deal is with his mother. He can decide what his relationship with her looks like. I truly DO wish I could help her. It seems like such a shame that we would just throw our hands up and say, walk away from your mom, there's nothing you can do. But what other choice does he have? He can't spend his whole like trying to FIX her, can he? I wish she had close family, siblings, or friends that could step in, but for all I know she does, and they've tried. I really can't say. It just seems so sad to see what seems like a hopeless situation and think there's nothing we can do about it. I did talk to DD about how every family has different styles, different frames of reference, and so on. Just because we shower her with kisses when she walks in the door doesn't make it abnormal that someone else doesn't. She gets that. It's just that the Mom seems so cold in that and so many other ways, and BF says it's been that way his whole life. He says that he has learned to tune her out, so the rants are that much shorter.
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Post by Sorrel on Aug 11, 2015 17:45:42 GMT
She sounds NPD or BPD. Maybe get the boyfriend the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells"? I have someone in my life with BPD and the book helped me a lot.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 11, 2015 17:46:31 GMT
I am confused as to why you are trying to help the mom? I must have missed something. Her poor son! I would worry that he would think it's normal, and get involved with a woman that treats him badly. At least he has your daughter to show him that he deserves kindness. It should like being around your family is the best thing you can to for him. Just my opinion! Not that it matters what I think!
My mil once told me that her job as a mom is to teach her son how a woman should treat a man, (and her daughter how a man should treat her) and she was so happy when we started dating and she saw that I would do a wonderful job taking care of and protecting her son (and the other way around too!). Funny you say that about him thinking it's normal. He actually DID say that to DD. He said that as he was growing up, he assumed that his home was like every other home. It wasn't until he went away to college and instead of going home on holidays, he went to friends' homes, and started to see that not everyone lived like that. He says that seeing our family interact with him and DD has made him see that he values that. I do think I will focus more on BF and less on worrying about someone I can't change. Your mil gave great advice!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 11, 2015 17:47:16 GMT
OMG...this is truly a btdt post for me. This was my mother. This mother is mentally ill and NOTHING you or anyone else does will EVER change that. This poor boy grew up knowing nothing but this. You honestly feel like everyone's household must be this way, until you get older and realize everyone else is not that way. I will skip the long story and get to the punch line per se. When we had my mother physically removed from her home by elderly protective services (because she was living an unsafe existence) and got to know her psychiatrist, he told me that caring for a mentally ill person is the most difficult, stressful thing one could do. He advised me to WALK AWAY and not look back. He said you will never change her, she will always blame you for everything that is wrong in her life. Go take care of yourself! I heeded his advice and never looked back. I made sure she was in a facility where she was cared for, but no longer subjected myself or my family to her rants. You also can't worry about what others think of that decision. I hope he cares for himself and doesn't put himself in that situation any longer! Good luck with everything. Thank you for caring for him, I wish there had been an adult I could have turned to when I went through this.... (I was the oldest of 7 and cared for the younger ones as best I could, dad had walked away years ago). I'm sorry you went through all of that. Your siblings were so lucky they had you!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 11, 2015 17:49:13 GMT
OMG...this is truly a btdt post for me. This was my mother. This mother is mentally ill and NOTHING you or anyone else does will EVER change that. This poor boy grew up knowing nothing but this. You honestly feel like everyone's household must be this way, until you get older and realize everyone else is not that way. I will skip the long story and get to the punch line per se. When we had my mother physically removed from her home by elderly protective services (because she was living an unsafe existence) and got to know her psychiatrist, he told me that caring for a mentally ill person is the most difficult, stressful thing one could do. He advised me to WALK AWAY and not look back. He said you will never change her, she will always blame you for everything that is wrong in her life. Go take care of yourself! I heeded his advice and never looked back. I made sure she was in a facility where she was cared for, but no longer subjected myself or my family to her rants. You also can't worry about what others think of that decision. I hope he cares for himself and doesn't put himself in that situation any longer! Good luck with everything. Thank you for caring for him, I wish there had been an adult I could have turned to when I went through this.... (I was the oldest of 7 and cared for the younger ones as best I could, dad had walked away years ago). I'm sorry you went through all of that. Your siblings were so lucky they had you! Thank you that is very sweet of you to say!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 11, 2015 17:56:36 GMT
By your description, there is something more going on there than her being difficult.
I know someone dealing with a situation like this and all I can say is, there is no helping someone who doesn't see anything wrong in what they are doing. I agree that your best bet is just to be supportive and loving to your daughter and her boyfriend.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 11, 2015 18:32:30 GMT
She sounds NPD or BPD. Maybe get the boyfriend the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells"? I have someone in my life with BPD and the book helped me a lot. I just looked up that book, and from what I'm seeing so far, it really does seem to describe her. (BPD) I will recommend my DD encourage him to read it, and continue to offer him a safe and loving place to be. Man, it's a wonder any of us make it through the day, isn't it!
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