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Post by KelleeM on Aug 20, 2015 23:58:36 GMT
I really don't have to have a reason to decline the invitation, right? I RSVP'd "thanks but I won't be attending."
The shower was last Saturday. I stayed home. I don't particularly like showers in general and knew I didn't want to go. It was for dh's nephew's bride-to-be. He's the son of one of dh's sisters. Today dh's brother (uncle to the groom) called and asked why I didn't go. Seriously? Why does he care? Dh assumed his wife put him up to it for some reason. I told dh that in case they're keeping score I didn't attend their daughter's shower two years ago either!
Not sure why this is even still on my mind 4 hours after we talked about it!!
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Deleted
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Apr 28, 2024 9:47:18 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 21, 2015 0:00:58 GMT
It was very rude of the young man to ask you that question, IMO!
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Post by littlemama on Aug 21, 2015 0:02:31 GMT
Ugh "score keepers" are such a pain. My mil constantly wants to know how much people gave us for our wedding so she can give an equivalent gift. Um, we have been married for 20 years. I didn't keep score then, I'm not gonna do it now!
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Post by freecharlie on Aug 21, 2015 0:03:24 GMT
No you do not need a reason.
In my family, you would need one for a nephew or a cousin's kid. We are a close family and it is just assumed if not expected that we would be at an event like that without a good reason not to.
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marimoose
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by marimoose on Aug 21, 2015 0:03:28 GMT
I don't even know how I would have answered that question but I know how I would have wanted to. very rude. And I bet it wouldn't make me want to attend anything concerning them ever.
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Post by KelleeM on Aug 21, 2015 0:04:28 GMT
It was very rude of the young man to ask you that question, IMO! It was dh's 60+ year old brother who asked! |
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Post by gramasue on Aug 21, 2015 0:06:04 GMT
You certainly don't need to give a reason, but I usually do, even if it's a lame one. Just to avoid conversations like that.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 21, 2015 0:06:25 GMT
You are not obligated to say why. I HATE when people ask.. my standard answer is I had a previous appointment. No one needs to know that appointment was with my tv, sofa and a nice drink in my jammies.
If they STILL question I ask them if they are sure they want the full details {say it with the glint in your eye that you can't wait to go full blown tmi on them even if the story is fully fictional)
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Post by Woobster on Aug 21, 2015 0:07:05 GMT
I really don't like showers, so I decline them most of the time. I still send a gift and my well wishes. You're not rude at all!
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iowgirl
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Post by iowgirl on Aug 21, 2015 0:09:16 GMT
I hate going to showers. I buy a gift from the local store they are registered at. The store wraps and delivers it. Win win
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Post by annabella on Aug 21, 2015 0:13:09 GMT
Honestly you're so far removed from the bride I think it was just a polite invite from your brother in law who wanted you there.
My co-worker flies around the country for various bridal showers. I think it's outrageous, playing to travel to bring someone a supplemental gift.
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Deleted
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Apr 28, 2024 9:47:18 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 21, 2015 0:15:24 GMT
It was very rude of the young man to ask you that question, IMO! It was dh's 60+ year old brother who asked! Geez - then that's just triple rude! When you can, though, put it behind you and move on. You did nothing wrong. |
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Post by freecharlie on Aug 21, 2015 0:15:41 GMT
Honestly you're so far removed from the bride I think it was just a polite invite from your brother in law who wanted you there. My co-worker flies around the country for various bridal showers. I think it's outrageous, playing to travel to bring someone a supplemental gift. how is that far removed from the bride? In my family, dh's nephew's are my nephews which mean they are the son of one of our siblings. Isn't that close family? |
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Post by cindyupnorth on Aug 21, 2015 0:16:30 GMT
I don't call that far removed from her at all! It's her HUSBAND's nephew. Which would make it HER nephew that is getting married, correct? Sometimes, even if you don't like things, and it's family, ya still gotta do them. That's how I think of things sometimes.
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Post by cindyupnorth on Aug 21, 2015 0:16:54 GMT
Ha. Freecharlie and I thought the same.
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Post by padresfan619 on Aug 21, 2015 0:21:49 GMT
If I remember correctly OP and her husband haven't been married all that long, it isn't as if she has been in this nephew's life since he was born.
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Post by bc2ca on Aug 21, 2015 0:23:35 GMT
I just had a flashback to my Big Fat Greek in-laws sitting around the table gossiping and speculating about why someone wasn't at a family event. I'm glad I live far enough away that I'm not expected to attend engagement parties and multiple showers along with the wedding. I find it odd that your BIL asked you instead of fishing for an answer through your DH, but you don't need to give any reason.
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Post by chaosisapony on Aug 21, 2015 0:27:55 GMT
I hate showers and I only go when it's an absolute must. For every other shower I simply RSVP that I won't be able to make it. Sometimes I send a gift, sometimes I don't. You don't need a reason and it's very rude for someone to ask.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 21, 2015 0:28:20 GMT
KelleeM, what did you tell him? I think I would have just said something like I couldn't make it that day or something equally vague.
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Post by marzbar71 on Aug 21, 2015 0:47:59 GMT
It was a little rude to ask why you didn't attend, but when I read this: "thanks but I won't be attending."
I thought that also sounded like you had an issue with the shower or just didn't want to come. I don't know if that's exactly what you said, but I think this is a case where a white lie would be advantageous. " Gee, I wish I could make it, but I have another commitment that day - please give the bride my best"
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Post by christine58 on Aug 21, 2015 1:05:18 GMT
I'd have said something smartass like "decided to stay home and have sex all day"...
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QueenoftheSloths
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Post by QueenoftheSloths on Aug 21, 2015 1:29:49 GMT
It seems likely that the groom to be wasn't even at this event, that the guest of honor was the bride to be, and the OP may not know her at all. I know I am not comfortable at events where I only know one or two people. Regardless of how close or not close relatives may be, if the OP doesn't like showers, how is her presence there an enhancement to the occasion? And it is unbelievably rude for ANYONE to call and ask for a reason for her nonattendance.
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Post by lucyg on Aug 21, 2015 1:36:51 GMT
It was a little rude to ask why you didn't attend, but when I read this: "thanks but I won't be attending." I thought that also sounded like you had an issue with the shower or just didn't want to come. I don't know if that's exactly what you said, but I think this is a case where a white lie would be advantageous. " Gee, I wish I could make it, but I have another commitment that day - please give the bride my best" I was going to say the same thing. Hopefully you said something a little less abrupt than "I won't be there." But even if you didn't, it's still crass to ask you a question like that. I would just stick to, sorry, I had something else going on that day. I am close to my late DH's nephews (aka MY nephews) and would expect to be invited to showers if they ever get off their butts and get married.  If I couldn't/didn't want to attend the shower, I would probably send a gift all the same. But it's not imperative, especially as you haven't known this young man all his life. |
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Post by Prenticekid on Aug 21, 2015 1:39:39 GMT
She would know the other female members of her husband's family.
(Not that she had to go or that it wasn't rude tho be asked about it.)
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Post by sues on Aug 21, 2015 1:39:35 GMT
I don't think you need an excuse. I'm not sure if it was rude of your BIL to ask why you weren't there though- unless it was in a really confrontational way.
If not, then he was either wondering if everything was OK, or wondering if there was a problem, based on your RSVP notation (which I thought sounded a little curt).
I don't like showers either, but for close family like siblings' kids- I'd go. Not to go is so risk offending siblings- and that's not worth it. If it was possible to go, I'd go.
But do you need an excuse? No. They asked for an RSVP and you gave one.
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julieb
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Post by julieb on Aug 21, 2015 1:41:19 GMT
Honestly you're so far removed from the bride I think it was just a polite invite from your brother in law who wanted you there. My co-worker flies around the country for various bridal showers. I think it's outrageous, playing to travel to bring someone a supplemental gift.
Far removed?? It's her nephew.
Also - Are you thinking about it OP because you feel guilty about not going and not having a reason? I would never miss a shower for my niece or nephew, etc. unless I had a really good reason. I would feel really bad if (and/or when) I have a shower for my dd or ds's fiancee' and one of my sister-in-laws didn't show up because they just aren't into showers.
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Post by KelleeM on Aug 21, 2015 8:45:39 GMT
To clear up a couple of things...the RSVP was by email (that was the only option given on the invitation). I'm not sure of my exact wording but I'm pretty sure I simply thanked the hostess for the invite, said I couldn't make it, and stated I was looking forward to the wedding.
DH and I have been married less than 3 years. We've been together 8 years. His nephew is 30 years old and was deployed when I met dh. I have seen him maybe 10 times. He's not a very friendly guy so I really don't "know" him. His bride seems like a very nice person but again, I don't "know" her.
Yes, there were other female family members there...I know that now from photos on Facebook. None of them reached out to me prior to the shower to ask if I was going (not that they needed to, just stating this for the record).
And finally, dh tried three times to avoid his brother's question before finally making an excuse about me needing to be at my Dad's that day to help out with something. In all honesty I was home with a good book and enjoyed it far more than I would have enjoyed the shower.
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anniebygaslight
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Post by anniebygaslight on Aug 21, 2015 10:27:58 GMT
I would have asked him why he wanted to know.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 21, 2015 10:34:25 GMT
"Why do you ask?"
You rsvped. All you needed to do.
Bil: rude.
I hate showers where I don't know anyone!
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momto4kiddos
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Post by momto4kiddos on Aug 21, 2015 11:59:50 GMT
I really don't have to have a reason to decline the invitation, right? I RSVP'd "thanks but I won't be attending." The shower was last Saturday. I stayed home. I don't particularly like showers in general and knew I didn't want to go. It was for dh's nephew's bride-to-be. He's the son of one of dh's sisters. Today dh's brother (uncle to the groom) called and asked why I didn't go. Seriously? Why does he care? Dh assumed his wife put him up to it for some reason. I told dh that in case they're keeping score I didn't attend their daughter's shower two years ago either! Not sure why this is even still on my mind 4 hours after we talked about it!! It's on your mind 4 hours later because your probably still stunned that he has such terrible manners! You did nothing wrong, you rsvp'd to let them know you weren't coming and that should have been the end of it. You don't need a reason for not going. I was annoyed when ds' friend used to ask why he couldn't do something, i'd always thought why does this mother not teach this kid not to be rude! So yeah it definitely wouldn't fly with a grown man being rude and intrusive. |
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If I couldn't/didn't want to attend the shower, I would probably send a gift all the same. But it's not imperative, especially as you haven't known this young man all his life.
