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Post by birukitty on Aug 29, 2015 19:54:38 GMT
My dear sister who is disabled due to many health reasons including a back injury, fibormyalgia (sp?) nerve damage, and numerous medical issues has a brilliant mind, was an intelligent computer programmer and a very talented award winning horsewoman who competed on the national level. All of that ended at the age of 28 when an injury to her back ended her career and she is now and has been for many years on disability. She was forced to give up her horse which just about killed her-she'd know him since the day he was born, she was in his stall and saw him bring born. For the past 10 years after this became too much for her fiancee to handle he left her and she was forced to move in with our parents. She feels worthless and hates every birthday because it reminds her of what could have been with her life. To her credit she does do amazing medical research on her own condition and has a wonderful doctor who listens to her and they work together to work out her treatment options. Right now the treatment she is undergoing is one she suggested to her doctor.
She can walk, just to clear up any confusion. Over the last two or so years she has been slowly keeping packages and things and it's gotten to the point now where it's taken over my parent's den. My father built her a storage shed on their back yard with lights inside for her to have a place to put her things (she's also filled up 1 or 2 rental storage units). In the last 3 months she has now filled up her bedroom so completely she can no longer sleep on her bed and sleeps on the living room couch. That's when I finally realized it's hoarding. It has to be. She lost her beloved cat to illness and old age a year ago. She knows in order to get another kitten she has to have her room cleaned up so that she can keep the litter box in there, and she wants to do that. But not enough to clean up the room, which baffles me.
How can I help her? Is the first step a psychiatrist or a psychologist for talk therapy? I've heard this is a difficult condition to treat but obviously we have to start somewhere. Does anyone have any experience with anyone with this condition? She is my best friend and I love her dearly.
Debbie in MD.
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Nink
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,947 
Location: North Idaho
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Post by Nink on Aug 29, 2015 19:57:22 GMT
I have no experience with this. But I've seen the show on Netflix and there is always treatment with a therapist of some sort that goes with it. Maybe start there. Good luck to you and your family.
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Post by Dori~Mama~Bear on Aug 29, 2015 20:00:59 GMT
Yes she needs therapy.
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oaksong
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,164
Location: LA Suburbia
Site Supporter
Jun 27, 2014 6:24:29 GMT
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Post by oaksong on Aug 29, 2015 20:01:45 GMT
I'm so sorry you and your family are dealing with this. Trauma affects people's mental health in mysterious ways. I'm no professional, but it seems to me that unless your sister acknowledges that she has a problem, your efforts to help her will be futile. That would be the first step. She is probably in the early stages of what can be truly classified as an addiction.
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imsirius
Prolific Pea
Call it as I see it.
Posts: 7,661
Location: Floating in the black veil.
Jul 12, 2014 19:59:28 GMT
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Post by imsirius on Aug 29, 2015 20:02:43 GMT
Sometimes people turn to shopping and buying as a quick high/fix for how they are really feeling. Your sister has had a huge blow to her life and adjustment must be tough.
My mother's best friend was a hoarder and her family got her therapy with a psychologist who specializes in OCD and hoarding. Don't know why the two go hand in hand, but they do apparently.
I wish you all the best and hope that your sister can get some help, she must be truly struggling emotionally.
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Post by disneypal on Aug 29, 2015 20:19:19 GMT
Oh my - it sounds like she has a big depression issue, which has lead to her hoarding most likely. I can understand why - she has really been through a lot the last 10 years, I would expect it all started going downhill when she had to give up her horse, that was her 'baby' and I can imagine that was probably the hardest thing she had to do.
I think you and your parents need to have a long, hard, talk with her (almost like an intervention but don't overload her) - tell her that she has 1 or 2 rental units that she is wasting money on because she never uses the things in the units. In addition, she has all the things taking up your parents den/shed and her room and that you believe she's been depressed a long time and this has lead to the problem she has with surrounding herself with things that she doesn't use and never will use.
I do think talking to a counselor will help but I also think, you need to get a company (www.hoardingcleanup.com is a good place to start) to come out and clean out her stuff from the sheds, den and bedroom - it will cost, of course. Perhaps if she, your parents and you chip in, it won't be too much expense on one person (this will benefit your parents as well as your sister). It will probably be emotional and hard on her at first after all the stuff is gone but after she has had time to adjust to it, she will be so happy to have a nice clean living space again and be able to sleep in her own bed again.
Here is a LINK to some Psychologists/Psychiatrists in MD that deal with this specific problem.
I hope you are able to get her the help she needs.
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Post by Eddie-n-Harley on Aug 29, 2015 20:46:39 GMT
I'd actually start by seeing if you can talk to her regular doctor about it. He may have insight on your sister's mental health, even if that isn't his normal practice specialty, especially if he deals with multiple patients with disabilities. He might know if there are psychiatrists/psychologists within (or, I suppose, outside) their practice group who deal with hoarding, so he could make a referral to the one he thinks might be a good fit. Or he might be no help at all, of course, but since he's got an existing relationship with your sister, I think he's the best place to try first. If you can get a referral, I think it's easier than cold-calling mental health pros.
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Post by zztop11 on Aug 29, 2015 21:05:29 GMT
I'm in Maryland. If you peamail me, I can suggest some very good psychiatrists if you're near me.
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Post by Zee on Aug 29, 2015 21:11:03 GMT
I've read that it's one of the hardest conditions to treat, and I believe it. Have cleaned out MIL's hoards three times.
Since your sister is living with your parents, they get to make the rules, not her. But in order for it to go as smoothly as possible they should probably work with a hoarding specialist who can help your sister with the mental aspect of her condition.
No way I'd tolerate it in my house. It's really hard not to get annoyed and disgusted with those doing the hoarding, just as hard on the families as it is on the hoarders.
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Post by birukitty on Aug 29, 2015 21:21:34 GMT
Thank you all so much for your advice so far. I really appreciate it. I certainly didn't meant to start a thread and run, but I've got a migraine that was a low 4 but has since developed into a bigger pain level of a 9. I've just taken my prescription medication Zomig for it, but at this time it hurts to much to read and think. For now I'm going to leave and nurse this migraine, but I'll be back. Again thank you all so very much. I really appreciate your wisdom, your experiences, your thoughts and advice.
Debbie in MD.
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Post by librarylady on Aug 30, 2015 0:05:03 GMT
Anti-depressants and therapy.
It is a hard road ahead.....
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Sue
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,234
Location: SE of Portland, Oregon
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Post by Sue on Aug 30, 2015 2:37:17 GMT
I'm playing armchair psychiatrist here. I imagine all those things your sister is hoarding represent hope to her... the hope that she can recover and will need those things to begin living her life as she dreams it could be. To give up all those things may mean, at least to her, that her life is forever reduced to an existence in one bedroom of her parents home. Hard for anyone to accept, I imagine, but especially hard for someone as accomplished as your sister was before her injury. I also believe therapy may help. And I wouldn't hesitate to speak with a therapist personally about how best to support and help your sister with this problem.
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Post by femalebusiness on Aug 30, 2015 3:08:36 GMT
I've read that it's one of the hardest conditions to treat, and I believe it. Have cleaned out MIL's hoards three times. Since your sister is living with your parents, they get to make the rules, not her. But in order for it to go as smoothly as possible they should probably work with a hoarding specialist who can help your sister with the mental aspect of her condition. No way I'd tolerate it in my house. It's really hard not to get annoyed and disgusted with those doing the hoarding, just as hard on the families as it is on the hoarders. This is where I am. If she were living by herself it would be difficult but it is your parents home and they are allowing it. I also wonder about people who are so large that they can't get out of bed and yet keep gaining because family brings them massive amounts of food. Why? Hoarding seems to be very difficult to treat and almost impossible to cure. Sorry she is struggling with this. |
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Post by birukitty on Aug 30, 2015 16:55:20 GMT
Okay I'm finally back. I'm so sorry again to abandon this thread after starting this. Have had migraines the last two days and yesterday it developed into a massive one that left me wiped out and feeling horrible. Woke up today finally without one and feeling much better. Thank you again everyone for all of your advice.
I wanted to clarify two things. I was wrong on the timeline-her accident happened 20 years ago. She's been living in my parent's home around 15 years. Her hoarding is at the beginning stages-it's boxes of stuff, nothing gross at all. She is buying things to make herself feel better and yes, Sue was exactly right with everything she wrote word for word. It represents hope for her. She does dream of the day she can live on her own, and will need everything she is keeping. And right now her existence is down to one bedroom in her parent's house. It's utterly demeaning to her. She hates it and won't celebrate her birthdays at all because it reminds her of what her life could have, should have been.
Thank you for reminding me of the show, "Hoarders". I'd completely forgotten about it. Also, it's a great idea to ask her current doctor for a recommendation for a psychiatrist. I think that's the doctor we'd start with first because it seems like this is treated with both meds and talk therapy, and I know psychologists can't write prescriptions. Luckily I know her doctor well, I see him too, as does my mother, so I can email him about this for a referral. I will also check out the link that DisneyPal provided.
Again, thanks everyone so much. I knew I could count on the Peas to help with this question for great suggestions and help.
Debbie in MD.
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Post by Zee on Aug 30, 2015 17:03:05 GMT
Okay I'm finally back. I'm so sorry again to abandon this thread after starting this. Have had migraines the last two days and yesterday it developed into a massive one that left me wiped out and feeling horrible. Woke up today finally without one and feeling much better. Thank you again everyone for all of your advice. I wanted to clarify two things. I was wrong on the timeline-her accident happened 20 years ago. She's been living in my parent's home around 15 years. Her hoarding is at the beginning stages-it's boxes of stuff, nothing gross at all. She is buying things to make herself feel better and yes, Sue was exactly right with everything she wrote word for word. It represents hope for her. She does dream of the day she can live on her own, and will need everything she is keeping. And right now her existence is down to one bedroom in her parent's house. It's utterly demeaning to her. She hates it and won't celebrate her birthdays at all because it reminds her of what her life could have, should have been. Thank you for reminding me of the show, "Hoarders". I'd completely forgotten about it. Also, it's a great idea to ask her current doctor for a recommendation for a psychiatrist. I think that's the doctor we'd start with first because it seems like this is treated with both meds and talk therapy, and I know psychologists can't write prescriptions. Luckily I know her doctor well, I see him too, as does my mother, so I can email him about this for a referral. I will also check out the link that DisneyPal provided. Again, thanks everyone so much. I knew I could count on the Peas to help with this question for great suggestions and help. Debbie in MD. Don't fall into the trap of "I need all that stuff". You won't do anyone any favors. She has been living with your parents for 15 years so I highly doubt she's ever going to just get better and move out. She doesn't need two storage units and a spare room full of things even if she does ever get to that point. I'm not trying to be cruel at all--but I've been through this, as I said, three times with MIL. She cannot be allowed to take over their home with items she may need "someday", and buying things just to ease depression is a costly habit that only creates more depression as the bills mount and the hoard grows. I'm glad you're getting her the mental help she needs  |
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Post by birukitty on Aug 30, 2015 17:22:52 GMT
Okay I'm finally back. I'm so sorry again to abandon this thread after starting this. Have had migraines the last two days and yesterday it developed into a massive one that left me wiped out and feeling horrible. Woke up today finally without one and feeling much better. Thank you again everyone for all of your advice. I wanted to clarify two things. I was wrong on the timeline-her accident happened 20 years ago. She's been living in my parent's home around 15 years. Her hoarding is at the beginning stages-it's boxes of stuff, nothing gross at all. She is buying things to make herself feel better and yes, Sue was exactly right with everything she wrote word for word. It represents hope for her. She does dream of the day she can live on her own, and will need everything she is keeping. And right now her existence is down to one bedroom in her parent's house. It's utterly demeaning to her. She hates it and won't celebrate her birthdays at all because it reminds her of what her life could have, should have been. Thank you for reminding me of the show, "Hoarders". I'd completely forgotten about it. Also, it's a great idea to ask her current doctor for a recommendation for a psychiatrist. I think that's the doctor we'd start with first because it seems like this is treated with both meds and talk therapy, and I know psychologists can't write prescriptions. Luckily I know her doctor well, I see him too, as does my mother, so I can email him about this for a referral. I will also check out the link that DisneyPal provided. Again, thanks everyone so much. I knew I could count on the Peas to help with this question for great suggestions and help. Debbie in MD. Don't fall into the trap of "I need all that stuff". You won't do anyone any favors. She has been living with your parents for 15 years so I highly doubt she's ever going to just get better and move out. She doesn't need two storage units and a spare room full of things even if she does ever get to that point. I'm not trying to be cruel at all--but I've been through this, as I said, three times with MIL. She cannot be allowed to take over their home with items she may need "someday", and buying things just to ease depression is a costly habit that only creates more depression as the bills mount and the hoard grows. I'm glad you're getting her the mental help she needs I'm not falling into that trap of "I need all that stuff" at all! I'm the sister on the outside trying to help her. I was trying to explain her side of it, her being the hoader on the inside experiencing all of this. I know she doesn't need all of this stuff! This is why I came here in the first place to get advice on how to begin to get her help to solve this problem, and help my parents get their home back. I know this problem has to be solved from a psychological standpoint on my sister's behalf, rather than just going in and clearing everything out, because if not, she'll just fill it all back up again. Debbie in MD. |
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Britt
Shy Member
Posts: 39
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Post by Britt on Aug 30, 2015 17:27:35 GMT
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Post by AN on Aug 30, 2015 17:33:34 GMT
If you want to fall down a rabbit hole, check out the forums on the website "Stepping out of Squalor." You don't have to register to read them. It is a board for people who deal with hoarding/squalor issues (not for people wanting to help, although sometimes people do post and get some insight). It will scare the daylights out of you, but I think your instinct to try to see it from her perspective (that she will hopefully move out and need the items) is a good starting point.
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Post by dulcemama on Aug 30, 2015 18:40:26 GMT
In addition to traditional counseling, your sister could benefit from meditation.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 17, 2024 2:52:56 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 30, 2015 19:35:03 GMT
Something I notice in all the hoarders shows is that the person who is doing the hoarding has suffered some major loss. Though it probably does represent hope to her, I think it's partly about comfort of some kind - like some people eat their feelings, some people gamble, some people hoard.
I don't know what to suggest beyond what others have already said - she must be in a lot of emotional pain, I feel for her. I hope she can find some help and *real* sense of hope. It sounds like she has very good family and that's a huge factor in terms of things turning around for her.
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Post by anniefb on Aug 30, 2015 19:52:20 GMT
Yeah, I think specialised help is the only way to go. |
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Post by Leone on Aug 30, 2015 20:00:34 GMT
I've have a friend who actually discovered a couch in her master bedroom that she hadn't realized it was there for over five years. She finally had to move and people helped her get everything cleaned out and organized in her new place. Sadly, that place is now a pit too.
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my3freaks
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,206
Location: NH girl living in Colorado
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Post by my3freaks on Aug 30, 2015 22:42:37 GMT
I don't have any suggestions outside what you've already heard here, I just wanted to wish you all luck. Such a tough situation for everyone involved.
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Post by birukitty on Aug 31, 2015 15:12:45 GMT
Disneypal, just wanted to say that I checked out the link you provided in your post (hordingcleanup.com) and not only did it have help for that, it also had a great list of therapist and psychiatrists in Maryland, and a few other states who specialize in hoarding. A couple are within 30 minutes of my sister so this was a great find-thank you so much! I think we'll start there.
I want to send thanks to everyone that answered this post and I'm so grateful that I stared this thread and that we have this place to come to and share our thoughts, feelings and questions. I had so many questions, and yes I could have easily Googled it, but it is so much better to get first hand advice from friends, isn't it? This will be a long, difficult road. I will keep you all updated. Thanks again.
Debbie in MD.
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Post by originalvanillabean on Aug 31, 2015 15:20:20 GMT
Sorry you are going through this. I hope you can find someone who can help her.
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