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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Dec 4, 2015 11:34:37 GMT
I feel like I constantly have some mom guilt hanging over my head.
I'm a single working mom, with four kids.
I just can't do everything.
But I'm trying. Constantly trying.
I think the Thanksgiving/Christmas season is especially difficult because all of the schools and organizations that my kids are affiliated with have their hands out, so to speak. There are a million different fundraisers, can drives, hat & mitten trees, angel trees, and bake sales to participate in (and that students are heavily encouraged if not flat out required to participate in.
They are all for a good cause. And I do fulfill all the requirements. But oh man, where's the Mom's Wine Drive this season?
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Dec 4, 2015 11:56:57 GMT
I hear you. I am also a single Mom and I find this season overwhelming. I only have one kid!
Hats off to you. I think you have to take a minimalist approach... do what you can and try not to stress yourself out about it.
I would ask my kids to pick one thing each that they want to focus on, then they are contributing and everything else as and if you can!
Don't forget to take a little time out for yourself.
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Post by ScrapsontheRocks on Dec 4, 2015 11:58:24 GMT
Sending you some cyber South African wine- red, seeing as it is cold in the Northern Hemisphere now. Hang in there, Mom.
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Post by maryland on Dec 4, 2015 12:36:06 GMT
I think mom guilt and dad guilt are very common!
And I know what you mean about all their activities and fundraisers. I told my daughter (recent fundraiser) that we just can't afford to spend $110 on candy. The school told them not to go door to door. And that along with both cars needing major repairs, we just can't catch up.
I don't look forward to the holidays like I used to because of all the money we spend (three 5 hr. trips spending gas money, hotel for 3 nights for one trip), gifts for the kids/niece/nephew and grandparents. The family seems to think we have money, but my husband has a new job and it's a big pay cut. My husband doesn't like to disappoint anyone, but then he suffers when the bills come.
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trollie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,580
Jul 2, 2014 22:14:02 GMT
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Post by trollie on Dec 4, 2015 13:33:54 GMT
Have mom guilt every. single. day. Constantly second guessing...
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Post by eversograceful1 on Dec 4, 2015 13:45:28 GMT
Absolutely. I try to remind myself that I am doing the best I can. Be gentle with yourself :hugs:
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 5, 2024 2:22:13 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 4, 2015 14:37:08 GMT
Mom guilt is a constant state of mind for me. I'm also a single mom with 2 daughters who are pretty involved in school activities and dance. It's gotten to the point where I have to say "enough is enough" or I'll go crazy. Thank goodness there plenty of other parents who are willing to carpool so the transportation part is getting easier.
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Post by gryroagain on Dec 4, 2015 14:55:41 GMT
Ooooh yes, I know that guilt well. DD spent 2 12 hour days this week at an acting job, in the freezing cold outside. She got paid (well!) for it, but it's brutal work really, for a 14 year old. Missed schoolwork, no real breaks so eating on the fly between scenes, and it's 20 degrees and she is in not warm clothes all day for the shoot.
Why? Because it pays really well. And DD does ballet, at a high level, and summer programs are expensive- about $5000 with travel, food, etc. We can't afford it, I got a weekend job last year and she got a full scholarship, but this year we are overseas and I can't work (no visa) and it's really unlikely she will get a full scholarship from a video audition (we are too far away for a live audition). If she does 4 more jobs like this, her summer program is paid for- and she knows this, she wants to work to get that money. But I think of so many kids I know who have been attending these programs (sometimes 2 a summer)since age 10-11 and attend expensive residential ballet schools, and have every class, private lesson, summer program they can want and I feel bad. DD has real talent, but we haven't got that much money, so for her to attend the training she needs to become a dancer is not possible...unless she does the modeling and acting jobs. It seems like both a good lesson (work for the things you want) and a terrible mom fail (I can't afford the things you need to realize your dream).
She was really cold all day today, but just overjoyed to get paid and mentally marking off a chunk of her summer dance expenses. And I shriveled up a bit inside, because I wish we could send her to these programs but we cannot. If she wants to go, the money must come from somewhere...and after her 12 hour day acting she ran to ballet (late) for 3 hours and we got home at 11 pm. She is so driven, and I feel so hamstrung by doggone money.
Mom guilt- it's what's for dinner.
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Post by gmcwife1 on Dec 4, 2015 14:55:37 GMT
I used too, but then I gave it up. It wasn't healthy for me and it didn't make me a better mom. It was a hard transition, but it was better for my family. Now I do what I can and don't stress about what I don't do
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mallie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,253
Jul 3, 2014 18:13:13 GMT
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Post by mallie on Dec 4, 2015 15:17:04 GMT
I felt no guilt about participating in fundraisers, etc. I had my kids pick one focus each, did my best and that's that.
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scorpeao
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,521
Location: NorCal USA
Jun 25, 2014 21:04:54 GMT
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Post by scorpeao on Dec 4, 2015 15:23:04 GMT
My dd is 18 and in the Navy. I STILL have mom guilt. I'll be watching TV and see something that will trigger a memory...*BAM* mom guilt. Some days I wish I could get a do over on her life, I'd be such a better mom.
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Post by Dori~Mama~Bear on Dec 4, 2015 15:32:14 GMT
I feel for you... I am glad my school days and mom guilt days are over. I have not been a single mom since daughter was 3. I do remember the times I bought something because it was a fundraiser.
And the years of bowling fundraisers that I organized scheduled and over saw. I have hours logged sitting in bowling centers with teenager girls passing around the bucket for 50/50 tickets. It is amazing at how many of the girls didn't want to do their part in the fundraising. It seemed that my kid showed up and did the work every time. She had 2 other girls that would do it with her most of the time and all the other girls would be so mad at me when they did show up that they would do as little as they had to. The funny thing is I always scheduled them for the busiest league nights when the house was full. most of the time the bowlers would buy $20 or $30 worth of tickets. There were a few that would see my daughter in the center and walk up to her and ask if she was there selling tickets. They got to know her through the years and a few of them even came to her tournaments just to watch her bowl.
I do believe in helping as much as I can but there are so many activity groups doing fundraisers I can't help them all...
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Post by maryland on Dec 4, 2015 15:32:44 GMT
Maybe parents can get over their mom and dad guilt a little once their kids become parents themselves. Then our kids can see how hard it is to be a parent and realize that we did our best just as they are doing their best!
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Post by sbartist on Dec 4, 2015 15:36:59 GMT
I don't even think it is mom guilt at all. This time of year it seems ALL of the charities hit you up for something.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Dec 4, 2015 15:38:56 GMT
I used too, but then I gave it up. It wasn't healthy for me and it didn't make me a better mom. It was a hard transition, but it was better for my family. Now I do what I can and don't stress about what I don't do This here is good advice. I had my kid late in life so I had a little more life experience going in and that has helped with this a LOT. My dad died when I was young, and my mom was a widow with three grade school aged kids at home at the time. I KNOW she struggled to do the best she could for us, and in hindsight I have a lot of respect for how hard that must have been. So I too try to do the best that I can with what I have and I try not to stress about those things that for whatever reason I cannot do. I try to put as much of my effort and thought into those things that I am able to do and know that most of the time "good enough" IS good enough. OP, I also know exactly what you're talking about with all the fundraisers and stuff. It seems endless. Just this year, DD (5) has already brought home the thing for the Walkathon (donated) and a shoe drive (didn't, because she was out sick that week), the school's Back to School bingo night (went, donated), a Peace Buddies fundraiser thing for kids at their sister school in Africa (still on the fence, DH has to decide), a warm clothing and toy drive (donated our stuff to a different friend who teaches at a much, MUCH poorer school than the one our kid goes to), the book fair fundraiser is coming up next week (volunteering and probably will buy some books too), and there is still the school's main fundraiser which is held in the spring. I'm sure there will be others too. And that's just what has come home from school for our ONE KID! They're all great causes, but there is no way we can do something for every one of these things.
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momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,151
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Dec 4, 2015 15:59:31 GMT
Perfect day for this post and yes i'd bet most of us have it. Mine today is specific to my now 19 yo. He moved out over the summer and while I think we're in a better place than we were today is his birthday.
Last night (his day off) we had a family dinner for him, which went ok, but he was a bit moody when asked questions he apparently didn't like. They were general questions some by my parents about nothing that would raise an issue I didn't think. Anyhow we brushed off the attitude and moved onward without a fuss. End of the night I said text me in the AM if you want breakfast because i'd mentioned we could do family dinner on his night off or breakfast on his birthday (just me/him.) This AM he texts about me getting something for him. I respond with a happy birthday and that yes i'll look into it. He responds with an ok thanks.
So i'm feeling mom guilt that I didn't ask him if he wanted breakfast when he texted... On the one hand i'm thinking, he texted me for something, if he wanted breakfast ASK i'd already said i'd take him last night. Stupidly i'm feeling guilty though thinking he may have wanted to but wanted me to ask him. Stupid I know (he's an adult he should be able to communicate) but that is how Mom guilt works I guess.
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Post by myboysnme on Dec 4, 2015 15:59:53 GMT
I always had working mother guilt but when it comes to school fundraisers and such I give what I can and that's it. I told my kids there is always someone who will ask 5 billion relatives so they are not ever going to win the limo ride with the principal so take this $20 check which will get you the yo yo.
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RosieKat
Drama Llama
PeaJect #12
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Jun 25, 2014 19:28:04 GMT
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Post by RosieKat on Dec 4, 2015 16:06:12 GMT
I get the mom guilt over time. Both my kids' schools really push parental involvement, which is wonderful. But especially at DD's school, they just seem to ask and ask and ask and ask. I'm a SAHM, so I theoretically have lots of time, but there are things that make it logistically difficult a lot of the time. I'm also dividing the time that I do have between the two schools. I feel bad that, for example, at DD's school the book fair is next week, and almost no one has signed up to help. I am helping set up today, and helping on 2 different days for an hour and half each time, but then I see how many more empty time slots there are and feel like I should sign up for more of them. I have to tell myself that I need to maintain a little sanity, too - particularly since next week is already going to be stressful for other reasons.
That particular school is also a charter school, so they're also always asking for all kinds of donations, and truthfully, a lot of them seem excessive. (I know they're not as well funded, but plenty of schools function fine without greenhouses...) The donations are always presented as wish lists, but it is really annoying to never get a newsletter without a wishlist as a part of it. And then they have a holiday bazaar next week, where they ask for donations for the kids to make the stuff, donations to fund the materials, people to spend the time with the kids making the stuff, people to work selling the stuff, and people to buy it. And the pestering about it all never stops! Truthfully, that is where I wish I could just send them $20 and have done with it. I donate my time where I feel it is most needed or useful, and I also donate my money. But I don't have unlimited quantities of either.
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Post by Sparki on Dec 4, 2015 16:08:45 GMT
Something to consider...I was talking to my mom the other day. I would like to establish a scholarship at my school where I graduated. I was telling my mom - how do I choose a student? We were kind of brainstorming, and she said, how about a single mom who has worked hard and is graduating and going to college. She said, "You know, since you are the child of a single parent." I kind of stopped short. I had never thought of her as a single mom. Ever. She was just mom. Sure she struggled sometimes, but I thought it was just the way it was for everyone. So - your child won't be judging you by what you didn't do, won't remember whether or not you participating in some drive or fundraiser...your child will remember the little things. I remember (and still have) the little handmade doggie that my mom made for me when I was four. I didn't know that it was because she couldn't afford gifts. Junior slept with me until I was an adult. Let up on the guilt. You don't want to them to remember that you were always stressed out trying to keep up with other people's expectations. Sure, there are great causes, but there are plenty of other people to participate in them, too. Just my dos pesos!
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Post by 2peafaithful on Dec 4, 2015 16:30:02 GMT
Hell no. I have given motherhood my all.
In all seriousness.....hell no! Gosh thats all that comes in when I have that though. I have given it my ALL.
I was a single mom for 7 years. That was mostly prior to all the go fund me and as many donations as there are now.
Stand tall, shake that lie right off, love your babies, be on the receiving if that is needed and if you have anything you can give or have a heart to give than do so. No matter where we are we can give something but goodness shake that off. I always say there are things in life to feel guilt over but this isn't one of them.
Merry Christmas and may your heart be filled to the brim and not robbed with the feeling that you need to do more, be more, etc. You are more than enough and you are doing an amazing job.
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perumbula
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,439
Location: Idaho
Jun 26, 2014 18:51:17 GMT
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Post by perumbula on Dec 4, 2015 16:29:44 GMT
I have mom guilt all the time. When four of your five children have anxiety issues and the oldest spent years in counseling and is on anti-depressants, you've got to wonder how you could have done better. Did I yell too much? Did I not help them learn to handle their emotions enough? How badly did I screw these kids up? They've grown up with both parents in a stable home and none of them have had anything traumatic happen to them. So it's got to be me, right?
Intellectually I know it's probably just sucky genes. But then when my depression gets me down, I feel guilty because it was my sucky genes that screwed them up even if it wasn't my parenting.
Then there's all the crap I mess up because I'm disorganized (apathy from the depression) and all the stuff the kids are supposed to have for school and don't or activities that they are supposed to be participating in and aren't.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Dec 4, 2015 16:36:53 GMT
I admit I have mom guilt sometimes. Especially when I think about who I picked to be Dad. I work full time and go to school. My ex-husband helps with nothing except the child support check he sends. It is sometimes exhausting. And sometimes I feel like I barely have time to talk to my kids. And now that they are teenagers and busy doing their own things, I feel like family time just isn't the same anymore either. And I know that if I had stayed with their Dad, we'd be better off financially too. So there's a lot of guilt to go around. But I have to constantly remind myself that I am doing the best that I can. I am trying to make a better life for them. And I am there for everything that is truly important. When I get feeling bad, I pull out all those scrapbooks I made and look back at all our memories. And I remember, I have good kids. I have a good life. I have done my best to provide them with a good mother.
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georgiapea
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,846
Jun 27, 2014 18:02:10 GMT
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Post by georgiapea on Dec 4, 2015 17:08:59 GMT
Oh, yes. I was a single mother at 21. I wanted to go to college so I'd be qualified for a good job but the thought of trying to go to school and work while my DD was a little girl kept me from doing it. I felt I wouldn't be 'mom' enough, wouldn't even see her enough, and yet I also felt I was limiting my ability to provide for her. It was a no win situation, once that haunts me still.
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Post by gmcwife1 on Dec 4, 2015 17:41:31 GMT
I used too, but then I gave it up. It wasn't healthy for me and it didn't make me a better mom. It was a hard transition, but it was better for my family. Now I do what I can and don't stress about what I don't do This here is good advice. I had my kid late in life so I had a little more life experience going in and that has helped with this a LOT. My dad died when I was young, and my mom was a widow with three grade school aged kids at home at the time. I KNOW she struggled to do the best she could for us, and in hindsight I have a lot of respect for how hard that must have been. So I too try to do the best that I can with what I have and I try not to stress about those things that for whatever reason I cannot do. I try to put as much of my effort and thought into those things that I am able to do and know that most of the time "good enough" IS good enough. OP, I also know exactly what you're talking about with all the fundraisers and stuff. It seems endless. Just this year, DD (5) has already brought home the thing for the Walkathon (donated) and a shoe drive (didn't, because she was out sick that week), the school's Back to School bingo night (went, donated), a Peace Buddies fundraiser thing for kids at their sister school in Africa (still on the fence, DH has to decide), a warm clothing and toy drive (donated our stuff to a different friend who teaches at a much, MUCH poorer school than the one our kid goes to), the book fair fundraiser is coming up next week (volunteering and probably will buy some books too), and there is still the school's main fundraiser which is held in the spring. I'm sure there will be others too. And that's just what has come home from school for our ONE KID! They're all great causes, but there is no way we can do something for every one of these things. I've wondered if this is a very big part of it for me I made a lot of mistakes with my now 26 yr old because I was a single parent for 10 yrs and she learned to use that guilt back on me. I think it was easier to identify and give it up once I realized it was not doing her any favors and was actually harming her.
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Post by uksue on Dec 4, 2015 17:50:59 GMT
I don't have guilt around 'things' or finances, but I do suffer when I hear this abba song as your children grow up so fast- almost without you noticing it! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Slipping through my fingers
Schoolbag in hand, she leaves home in the early morning Waving goodbye with an absent-minded smile
I watch her go with a surge of that well-known sadness And I have to sit down for a while
The feeling that I'm losing her forever And without really entering her world
Im glad whenever I can share her laughter That funny little girl
Slipping through my fingers all the time I try to capture every minute The feeling in it Slipping through my fingers all the time Do I really see whats in her mind Each time I think Im close to knowing She keeps on growing Slipping through my fingers all the time
Sleep in our eyes, her and me at the breakfast table Barely awake, I let precious time go by
Then when shes gone theres that odd melancholy feeling And a sense of guilt I cant deny
What happened to the wonderful adventures The places I had planned for us to go (slipping through my fingers all the time)
Well, some of that we did but most we didnt And why I just dont know
Slipping through my fingers all the time I try to capture every minute The feeling in it Slipping through my fingers all the time Do I really see whats in her mind Each time I think Im close to knowing She keeps on growing Slipping through my fingers all the time
Sometimes I wish that I could freeze the picture And save it from the funny tricks of time Slipping through my fingers...
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Schoolbag in hand she leaves home in the early morning Waving goodbye with an absent-minded smile...
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Post by **GypsyGirl** on Dec 4, 2015 17:51:21 GMT
My dd is 18 and in the Navy. I STILL have mom guilt. I'll be watching TV and see something that will trigger a memory...*BAM* mom guilt. Some days I wish I could get a do over on her life, I'd be such a better mom. Mine will be 28 next month and I still find myself dealing with 'mom guilt', both past and present. I've decided that it is just handed out with the birth/adoption of your child and you get it whether you want it or not. I've had to let it go as much as possible and realize that I've done the best I could with what I had at the time. Pick and choose wisely for the holiday events, involve the kids in as many decisions as possible and then move on. Beating yourself up all the time accomplishes nothing positive.
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akathy
What's For Dinner?
Still peaing from Podunk!
Posts: 4,546
Location: North Dakota
Jun 25, 2014 22:56:55 GMT
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Post by akathy on Dec 4, 2015 18:13:25 GMT
No where is it written that to be good parents we have to give our children everything. I truly think that parents who do are doing more harm than good to their children.
Kids need to learn how to work towards a goal. They need to see that even though you gave it your all it still sometimes doesn't work. Disappointment is part of life and teaches us to dust ourselves off and try, try again. Kids need to know that if you want something bad enough it is your own responsibility to find a way to make that happen or switch gears to a plan B. You can't always get what you want.
Don't feel guilty if you have to say no. Sometimes no is the best answer you can give your child. Do what you can with what you have and let go of the rest.
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J u l e e
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Jun 28, 2014 2:50:47 GMT
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Post by J u l e e on Dec 4, 2015 18:38:49 GMT
I truly do not. I'm glad Julie mentioned the same thing above, because sometimes I wonder if it really is something I should be feeling. So, maybe I have guilt that I truly feel no mom guilt. I have just one child and I actually work at not giving her everything she wants. It would be so easy. I don't want her having everything handed to her. I believe children love having a purpose, and goals, and achieving for themselves. I believe kids love to work, and we often shield them from the opportunity. I believe it's okay to sit down with the half dozen flyers in her backpack and say, "Okay, we've got these opportunities this holiday season. If we participated in every single one, our calendar would look like this - XXX, and it would cost this - XXX. We are not available for each of these scheduled things, and this amount of money is not in our budget. Let's talk about each one and choose which, if any, we'd like to spend our time and money on. If we want to do more than we have budgeted for, let's figure out a way (work) to make that happen. If none of these is what we'd like to work toward, it is absolutely okay if we choose something else that is important to us." I don't want to model overstressed, overscheduled and overbudget for her. I want her to see what it's like to make choices over what is important in her life.
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Post by anxiousmom on Dec 4, 2015 18:59:24 GMT
All the damn time.
This time of year it might be intertwined with finances, but on the whole it has very little to do with what I can or can't provide. Although, at admittedly it is in the back of my mind at other times-and those times have nothing to do with giving them everything, more like not being able to give more than what a very austere budget can provide. I am fortunate that there is another parent involved who is much more affluent than I who does provide all the wants their little hearts desire.
No, my guilt is more in the arena of those things that should have known but didn't, ways that I should have shielded my children but didn't, the times I wasn't strong enough to stand up to something I wasn't sure was right...it's crazy, but I think this is one of those things that will haunt me forever.
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Deleted
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May 5, 2024 2:22:13 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 4, 2015 19:03:39 GMT
I think mom guilt and dad guilt are very common! And I know what you mean about all their activities and fundraisers. I told my daughter (recent fundraiser) that we just can't afford to spend $110 on candy. The school told them not to go door to door. And that along with both cars needing major repairs, we just can't catch up. I don't look forward to the holidays like I used to because of all the money we spend (three 5 hr. trips spending gas money, hotel for 3 nights for one trip), gifts for the kids/niece/nephew and grandparents. The family seems to think we have money, but my husband has a new job and it's a big pay cut. My husband doesn't like to disappoint anyone, but then he suffers when the bills come. Stay home and start your own traditions! And seriously do all the kids in you extended family need a gift? Send them $5 in a card and be done with that.
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