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May 5, 2024 2:25:29 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 4, 2015 19:08:36 GMT
As for the fundraising:
One per child, what ever you can afford. Done.
But i do like the bake sales. I stock up on cake mix when it is less than a $1. I make 12 cupcakes from one mix that get sold for $2 piece. This year the group made $96 on my cupcakes.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 4, 2015 19:17:10 GMT
Ooooh yes, I know that guilt well. DD spent 2 12 hour days this week at an acting job, in the freezing cold outside. She got paid (well!) for it, but it's brutal work really, for a 14 year old. Missed schoolwork, no real breaks so eating on the fly between scenes, and it's 20 degrees and she is in not warm clothes all day for the shoot. Why? Because it pays really well. And DD does ballet, at a high level, and summer programs are expensive- about $5000 with travel, food, etc. We can't afford it, I got a weekend job last year and she got a full scholarship, but this year we are overseas and I can't work (no visa) and it's really unlikely she will get a full scholarship from a video audition (we are too far away for a live audition). If she does 4 more jobs like this, her summer program is paid for- and she knows this, she wants to work to get that money. But I think of so many kids I know who have been attending these programs (sometimes 2 a summer)since age 10-11 and attend expensive residential ballet schools, and have every class, private lesson, summer program they can want and I feel bad. DD has real talent, but we haven't got that much money, so for her to attend the training she needs to become a dancer is not possible...unless she does the modeling and acting jobs. It seems like both a good lesson (work for the things you want) and a terrible mom fail (I can't afford the things you need to realize your dream). She was really cold all day today, but just overjoyed to get paid and mentally marking off a chunk of her summer dance expenses. And I shriveled up a bit inside, because I wish we could send her to these programs but we cannot. If she wants to go, the money must come from somewhere...and after her 12 hour day acting she ran to ballet (late) for 3 hours and we got home at 11 pm. She is so driven, and I feel so hamstrung by doggone money. Mom guilt- it's what's for dinner. There are quite a few summer intensives that do video auditions and will give scholarships based on that. We haven't paid for a summer intensive in years. Check out the dance magazines they will list what schools do this.
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Post by JustCallMeMommy on Dec 4, 2015 19:35:56 GMT
I try to volunteer of my time more and my money less. I'm usually dropping DD off somewhere anyway, so it is no biggie for me to stay and help. When she was little, there were tons of moms fighting over "room mom," but those moms are now all burned out or have returned to work, so I figure it is my time to step up. We also very carefully choose our service projects. We do an angel tree child every year, but we don't give to every charity or fundraiser that comes along.
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Post by lucyg on Dec 4, 2015 19:38:02 GMT
I will just say I am on my second generation of mom guilt now. Nope, it never ends.
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Post by maryland on Dec 4, 2015 20:29:39 GMT
I think mom guilt and dad guilt are very common! And I know what you mean about all their activities and fundraisers. I told my daughter (recent fundraiser) that we just can't afford to spend $110 on candy. The school told them not to go door to door. And that along with both cars needing major repairs, we just can't catch up. I don't look forward to the holidays like I used to because of all the money we spend (three 5 hr. trips spending gas money, hotel for 3 nights for one trip), gifts for the kids/niece/nephew and grandparents. The family seems to think we have money, but my husband has a new job and it's a big pay cut. My husband doesn't like to disappoint anyone, but then he suffers when the bills come. Stay home and start your own traditions! And seriously do all the kids in you extended family need a gift? Send them $5 in a card and be done with that. I would love to! But I am outnumbered by my husband and 3 kids. The kids have been traveling since they were infants so they know no other way. Once year my daughter broke her wrist the night before Thanksgiving, so we didn't travel. My kids complained the whole weekend. So by traveling it's just me that's miserable! And the relatives are fun, and we have a nice time. But I would love to stay at home and do fun stuff with relatives here too. Oh well, at least when the kids are on their own, they can travel here for the holidays! And it's just once niece and one nephew, so not too bad. We already stopped exchanging with bils and sils.
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calgal08
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,519
Jun 27, 2014 15:43:46 GMT
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Post by calgal08 on Dec 4, 2015 20:36:07 GMT
Every single day
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Post by jenis40 on Dec 4, 2015 21:24:57 GMT
Not a mom but I am a daughter. I think as long as you love, support and are there for your kids that is all that matters. My parents couldn't give me everything but they did their best. Was I a little disappointed at times when I was younger? Probably. But it has never bothered me as an adult. As I was going through my cancer treatment and facing the very real possibility of death, my thoughts of regret weren't on things my parents hadn't given me. There were a few regrets over things *I* could have done better or differently but not my parents.
I see over and over parents who make these huge sacrifices to put their kids through college and sports programs, etc and I admit I just don't get it. Probably because I'm not a parent and I wonder what it teaches kids about working for things and handling adversity. But I have watched a step-grandson (yeah I married an old dude) work his way to a Division I full ride athletic scholarship. He didn't have the opportunity to go to all the expensive camps and traveling teams because his mother was raising him and 4 other kids on her own. He got to do some but certainly not what his peers were doing. He worked hard and he marketed himself. He made the right connections and he certainly got a hand up along the way in scholarships, fee waivers, etc. And you know what? He isn't angry with his mom one bit. He credits her with supporting his dream and pushing him to work hard.
So please don't feel mom guilt. As long as you love your kids unconditionally that is what they will remember. And that's what is important. You are all doing a great job moms!
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Post by Frazzled Mom on Dec 4, 2015 21:43:36 GMT
As a single mom I feel guilt every. single. damn. day.
I see other families whose kids get every luxury they want (cars, vacations, the latest techie toys, etc) and don't do anything (work, volunteer, etc) and my kids struggle just to make ends meet while working, going to school, and volunteering. I just wish I was in a position to help make things a bit more comfortable for them.
And forget holiday cheer. This time of year sucks when you can't your kids anything they want - if you're lucky, you can maybe get them something they need.
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Post by gmcwife1 on Dec 4, 2015 22:33:57 GMT
As a single mom I feel guilt every. single. damn. day. I see other families whose kids get every luxury they want (cars, vacations, the latest techie toys, etc) and don't do anything (work, volunteer, etc) and my kids struggle just to make ends meet while working, going to school, and volunteering. I just wish I was in a position to help make things a bit more comfortable for them. And forget holiday cheer. This time of year sucks when you can't your kids anything they want - if you're lucky, you can maybe get them something they need. Hopefully this will help, for me I'm now able to give my adult kids so much more than I could when they were younger and I was a single parent. And they appreciate it just as much now or even more I love being able to take them places, even if it's just the zoo, dinner or pumpkin patch. And I love being able to give them things I couldn't when I was single, poor and struggling just to put food on the table.
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Post by anonrefugee on Dec 4, 2015 23:49:29 GMT
Isn't it a requirement? You know motherly pride, love and guilt? But seriously, what you wrote is lovely jenis40Thanks.
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Post by anonrefugee on Dec 4, 2015 23:52:43 GMT
As for the fundraising: One per child, what ever you can afford. Done. But i do like the bake sales. I stock up on cake mix when it is less than a $1. I make 12 cupcakes from one mix that get sold for $2 piece. This year the group made $96 on my cupcakes. Now that's good fundraising! Our school district doesn't allow homemade goods. Maybe something bad happened years ago, but I've always suspected it was a mom uprising. Too often we're now donating a $12 baked good, or other item, that gets auctioned/raffled for $3.
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MerryMom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,538
Jul 24, 2014 19:51:57 GMT
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Post by MerryMom on Dec 5, 2015 0:36:25 GMT
Those food or mitten drives are optional for you to participate in if you are able. I support the ones I want to support and skip the others.
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Deleted
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May 5, 2024 2:25:29 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 5, 2015 1:09:03 GMT
I too suffer from Mom guilt on pretty much a daily basis. I know MY mom never felt this way and we have a pretty bad relationship. So maybe I'm overcompensating for never having the Mom I wanted?
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Post by anxiousmom on Dec 5, 2015 2:03:31 GMT
So please don't feel mom guilt. As long as you love your kids unconditionally that is what they will remember. And that's what is important. You are all doing a great job moms! My mom and I talk about the mom guilt a lot. She always contends that it isn't the things or even specific moments, but rather the over all tone and feelings that we remember. Then she will ask me what *I* remember of my childhood and sure there were a few things that I remember that didn't go as I wanted, but over all I had an incredibly happy childhood and never remember a single instance where I didn't think I was loved. Usually she will share with me what she was feeling at the time as a single mother of two with an ex-husband who never paid and rarely showed-and I know she still carries some mommy guilt. (She is almost 68 and I am 49.) So you are probably right in what they kids will remember, but at the same time, I know that I will carry the guilt for a long time. We all do the best we can, but damn-this time of year we want Currier and Ives perfection and when we can't do that, the mommy guilt is substantial.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Dec 5, 2015 4:30:58 GMT
This here is good advice. I had my kid late in life so I had a little more life experience going in and that has helped with this a LOT. My dad died when I was young, and my mom was a widow with three grade school aged kids at home at the time. I KNOW she struggled to do the best she could for us, and in hindsight I have a lot of respect for how hard that must have been. So I too try to do the best that I can with what I have and I try not to stress about those things that for whatever reason I cannot do. I try to put as much of my effort and thought into those things that I am able to do and know that most of the time "good enough" IS good enough. I've wondered if this is a very big part of it for me I made a lot of mistakes with my now 26 yr old because I was a single parent for 10 yrs and she learned to use that guilt back on me. I think it was easier to identify and give it up once I realized it was not doing her any favors and was actually harming her. I had the benefit of being one of the younger kids in a big family so I got to watch my older siblings screw up their kids and learn by watching what NOT to do. I would say having our kid later did really help because I didn't have to make all of those mistakes myself. That's not to say that I'm doing everything absolutely right because I certainly don't, but it was easy to see from the outside a lot of things that just didn't work. One of the biggest things I learned that way was that I can't be my kid's friend, I HAVE to be their parent.
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Post by PEArfect on Dec 5, 2015 6:52:08 GMT
Always, but worse now that I'm an only parent. Now not only do I have mom guilt, but also "what would LH do/think?"
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Deleted
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May 5, 2024 2:25:29 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 5, 2015 14:28:53 GMT
No, I really don't.
I do the best I can to be the mom my kids deserve. Their needs are met - clothes, food, shelter, attention. Sometimes their wants are taken care of, too. I sacrifice my time, money and wants to see to their well-being.
I'm not perfect, and the kids know this. They're not perfect either. So we're just a group of imperfect people who love each other, trying to make the best of the time we have together as a family. They'll be out on their own soon enough, and I want them to look back with fondness on their childhoods and growing up years. Material possessions like electronics and designer clothes aren't what they'll remember. They'll remember the time I spent with them, that I was there for them when their hearts were broken, that I cooked their favorite meals for their birthdays, and all those little things that make a family unique and special.
My kids are young teens now, so I do occasionally look back and wish I'd done some things differently. But the past is the past and I can't change it. I can't allow myself to dwell on what I can't change. I just try to do better now.
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