mochi
Full Member
Posts: 449
Jun 26, 2014 1:45:16 GMT
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Post by mochi on Jan 17, 2016 3:27:21 GMT
Big (((hugs))) dear jenjie. You are in my prayers. Please be gentle on yourself. <3
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Post by jenjie on Jan 17, 2016 3:32:23 GMT
Jen, something had to give. Now that you are able to see that you were doing too much, not resting enough, not letting your mind be at ease, trying to be superwoman it's ok to let go. Let go of everything (except the kids, eating, drinking, hygiene and praying). Everything else can wait. I am sure you have plenty of clothes in your closet. I am sure your children have plenty of clean clothes in their closets. If the sheets need changing, next week will be fine. The towels are dirty, they can wait. Everything*can*wait. This was your Come to Jesus moment, don't you think? Jen said to Jen, "Ok, I can't do it all anymore. I need to let go of this. That is going to have to wait. The other is enough. For now it is enough." I am sure the rest of the Peas would be standing in line to hug and hold you tightly to get you through this. So consider yourself hugged. I'm chuckling because instead of a Come to Jesus moment, it was more like a Jesus came to Jen moment. He's telling me rest rest rest and I'm saying "Do I have to?" LOL this morning I was reading from Matthew 14, where the storm came and Jesus walked on the water. What struck me was verse 25. It says Jesus came to them. I needed that. And that's the first thingI thought of when you said come to Jesus.  |
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Jan 17, 2016 3:37:15 GMT
(((big hugs))))
Resting is the right thing. Take care of yourself.
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Post by Sparki on Jan 17, 2016 3:40:20 GMT
Just a thought - but after my dad passed away, I started having panic attacks. I was in college, so I went to see the counselor. I only saw him twice, and mostly cried the whole time, but the panic attacks stopped. The reason I came up with later, was that I had unfinished business with my dad. I didn't get to say goodbye, and the last few times we talked was a little contentious. I actually dreamed of him a couple of times, and the last time I dreamed of him, I said my good byes...and the things I wanted to say. He has never come to my dreams since. After my first husband died, I always hoped that he would come to my dreams, or "something" but he never did. I really think it was because there was no unfinished business. All of that said, maybe a 'conversation' with Fred might help the panic and anxiety. Big big hugs to you. Hopefully this wasn't too off-the-wall. |
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Post by jenjie on Jan 17, 2016 4:16:12 GMT
I think what you are doing is keeping busy as a way to keep your grief at bay. It sounds pretty normal to me. Please, give yourself a break. You don't have to be superwoman. Allow yourself to be self-centered right now. Can you hole up with the kids and some movies to give yourself a well earned rest? I can't imagine everything that has been on your shoulders since your Fred was diagnosed with cancer. I picture you with the world on your shoulders. I'm rambling...I often feel like everything falls to me, too. I'm getting much better at asking for help. My friends and DD are fabulous. I know you have some fabulous friends. Let them take care of you, too. Hugs, dear Jenjie. This is part of my problem, I hate needing to ask for help. "Whose husband do I call this time?" Not in a prideful way but I hate being here. My husband should be here to deal with this. Just in the past week and a half alone I have had to call 4 different men. I was so aggravated that I couldn't even take out the lightbulb from our porch light. It was threaded crooked. I don't usually talk to him but I was like "If you couldn't bother to put the bulb in correctly the least you could do is be here to fix it!" I leaned my head against the house and started crying. I was so frazzled. My bil came to take care of that and a few other things. He said the lightbulb itself was threaded crooked. It wasn't even Fred's fault. Go figure. That day everything went wrong. I wanted to lie down but I had workers jackhammering in my basement and my dog wouldn't stop barking at them. I would have gone to mil's to rest but wasn't up for conversation and decided the jackhammering and dog were the lesser of two evils. LOL That night I went to my friend's house for a meeting. I told them I needed help. If I hadn't invited them in I would have thought it was a staged intervention. They were saying #1 you need to rest and #2 you have anger and won't admit it. I'm insisting no I don't have anger! There is a world of other negative emotions I could admit to but not anger. I was asking the Lord today, that doesn't even sound right. He revealed it's a control issue. I was so angry when my husband was sick, and so angry AT him. I never made a secret of that. Although God showed me truth in plenty of time For me to repent and make things right, there is so much I wish I could redo. And I think Anger cost me so much I could not allow myself to be angry again. So I have avoided it and not dealt with it. So now this ugliness is in my face and I need to be still and see how to unlearn this unhealthy pattern of thinking and find Out what to do about it so I can heal. Sorry for the book. I think this is what I intended to add to the OP. |
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Post by AussieMeg on Jan 17, 2016 4:26:18 GMT
I often struggle with what to say in times like this. I just want to say that my heart hurts to think that you're struggling. I hope you can get some well earned rest and that you start to feel better soon.  |
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Post by scrapmaven on Jan 17, 2016 4:39:13 GMT
Okay madam it's time to put my hands on your shoulders, look you in the eye and tell you my truth about what I see. You can tell me to suck eggs if you disagree. Hey, how about doing some grief work w/your pastor? Is there a grief group in your church? Sounds like G-d plus therapy would do you a world of good. I sort of wondered if things would catch up w/you at some point. It just had to. No one is an island and all the friends in the world don't mean that you have a safe place to let the deeper, darker feelings go. No one wants to be sad or angry or feel ripped off, but those are normal, healthy feelings after losing your spouse. You've been going through this nightmare w/a very busy agenda. Keep yourself so busy that you don't have time to think about the fact that your dh died way too young. The fact is that you are a widow with children and need a place to voice your deepest feelings. This is a huge burden and all of your feelings need to be heard and honored and worked through gently and lovingly. Grief isn't a race; rather it's a process that knocks the wind out of you. That you are having anxiety attacks makes complete sense if you're not dealing w/your feelings. Your body is telling you to get some much needed respite. G-d will be w/you the entire journey, but you need someone who directly, audibly talks back to you w/unconditional and one way support, nothing expected back except healing. A Christian counselor will pray w/you while also listening to your feelings and helping you to grieve. You deserve the most love and support right now. Time to get off of the hamster wheel and take care of your inner self. |
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Post by peasapie on Jan 17, 2016 4:41:27 GMT
I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I feel like this must be a very normal and healthy response and stage that you are going through. Yet I'm sure that doesn't make you feel one bit better. Hope it helps to know we are thinking of you.
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Post by alexa11 on Jan 17, 2016 4:50:17 GMT
Take some time and don't be so hard on yourself. Sending good thoughts.
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scrappinspidey2
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,511
Location: In the Parlor with the Fly
Mar 18, 2015 19:19:37 GMT
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Post by scrappinspidey2 on Jan 17, 2016 5:04:28 GMT
I don't believe my husband can hear me or see me, as I don't believe he has any conscious form, but I yell at him all the time. I roll my eyes at him all the time and I have been known to tell people if he doesn't like what I'm doing, he is more than welcome to come back and deal with it himself. That's just how it goes here. It makes me feel better to blame him sometimes ;-)
It took me a long time to admit my anger. What do I honestly have to be angry at? How can you be angry at a gust of wind?? But it was there anyway. I think some days it's still there.
Asking for help is hard. I can't do it unless severely backed into a corner with no other option. Of course not asking for help sooner is probably what made things worse.
It sounds like you have a great support system and good friends to help you see what you can't. The hardest thing for me to learn was that while nobody in my circle knew what it was like to lose their spouse, some of them still saw things that grief masked for me. Even though I thought I had it under control and everything was "fine". It wasn't and it showed. Lean on them. Listen to them.
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Post by jenjie on Jan 17, 2016 5:05:43 GMT
Okay madam it's time to put my hands on your shoulders, look you in the eye and tell you my truth about what I see. You can tell me to suck eggs if you disagree. Hey, how about doing some grief work w/your pastor? Is there a grief group in your church? Sounds like G-d plus therapy would do you a world of good. I sort of wondered if things would catch up w/you at some point. It just had to. No one is an island and all the friends in the world don't mean that you have a safe place to let the deeper, darker feelings go. No one wants to be sad or angry or feel ripped off, but those are normal, healthy feelings after losing your spouse. You've been going through this nightmare w/a very busy agenda. Keep yourself so busy that you don't have time to think about the fact that your dh died way too young. The fact is that you are a widow with children and need a place to voice your deepest feelings. This is a huge burden and all of your feelings need to be heard and honored and worked through gently and lovingly. Grief isn't a race; rather it's a process that knocks the wind out of you. That you are having anxiety attacks makes complete sense if you're not dealing w/your feelings. Your body is telling you to get some much needed respite. G-d will be w/you the entire journey, but you need someone who directly, audibly talks back to you w/unconditional and one way support, nothing expected back except healing. A Christian counselor will pray w/you while also listening to your feelings and helping you to grieve. You deserve the most love and support right now. Time to get off of the hamster wheel and take care of your inner self. [ Thank you thank you thank you. I do have someone to talk to but wasn't willing to admit until today that I had a problem. |
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Post by ScrapsontheRocks on Jan 17, 2016 5:07:22 GMT
Healing, restful thoughts to you.
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Post by jenjie on Jan 17, 2016 5:11:20 GMT
I don't believe my husband can hear me or see me, as I don't believe he has any conscious form, but I yell at him all the time. I roll my eyes at him all the time and I have been known to tell people if he doesn't like what I'm doing, he is more than welcome to come back and deal with it himself. That's just how it goes here. It makes me feel better to blame him sometimes ;-) It took me a long time to admit my anger. What do I honestly have to be angry at? How can you be angry at a gust of wind?? But it was there anyway. I think some days it's still there. Asking for help is hard. I can't do it unless severely backed into a corner with no other option. Of course not asking for help sooner is probably what made things worse. It sounds like you have a great support system and good friends to help you see what you can't. The hardest thing for me to learn was that while nobody in my circle knew what it was like to lose their spouse, some of them still saw things that grief masked for me. Even though I thought I had it under control and everything was "fine". It wasn't and it showed. Lean on them. Listen to them. Yes yes yes. Thank you |
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Nanner
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,987 
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Post by Nanner on Jan 17, 2016 5:11:44 GMT
You have to remember that you're only human, Jen. Take that time for yourself. Rest and regenerate. You need it, and I'm glad that you realize it.
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Post by scrapmaven on Jan 17, 2016 5:11:57 GMT
Now that you've admitted it to yourself you can work on it and truly truly heal. Many blessings to you. You can do this and I promise it'll be much better when you really let it out. A dear friend has a saying that I love. "Pain feels so good when it's over."
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Post by CarolinaGirl71 on Jan 17, 2016 5:20:46 GMT
You've been taking care of everyone else, it's time to stop and take care of yourself. (((Hugs))) You are amazing, and are greatly loved. Rest and recover. Let people take care of you. I will miss you when you're not here, but looking forward to hearing that you've been re-energized and recuperated! (((Hugs)))
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Post by Delta Dawn on Jan 17, 2016 5:57:11 GMT
Jen, something had to give. Now that you are able to see that you were doing too much, not resting enough, not letting your mind be at ease, trying to be superwoman it's ok to let go. Let go of everything (except the kids, eating, drinking, hygiene and praying). Everything else can wait. I am sure you have plenty of clothes in your closet. I am sure your children have plenty of clean clothes in their closets. If the sheets need changing, next week will be fine. The towels are dirty, they can wait. Everything*can*wait. This was your Come to Jesus moment, don't you think? Jen said to Jen, "Ok, I can't do it all anymore. I need to let go of this. That is going to have to wait. The other is enough. For now it is enough." I am sure the rest of the Peas would be standing in line to hug and hold you tightly to get you through this. So consider yourself hugged. I'm chuckling because instead of a Come to Jesus moment, it was more like a Jesus came to Jen moment. He's telling me rest rest rest and I'm saying "Do I have to?" LOL this morning I was reading from Matthew 14, where the storm came and Jesus walked on the water. What struck me was verse 25. It says Jesus came to them. I needed that. And that's the first thingI thought of when you said come to Jesus. Jesus came to you and said "Jennifer, my child, you are enough. You are taking care of everyone else's needs and are neglecting your own. I know you love what you do and you have a purpose in life. I am asking you now, rest, recharge, and in time go back to your busy life. It's ok. I have Fred with me here and he, too, wants you to slow down. It all can wait". |
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Post by lucyg on Jan 17, 2016 6:54:24 GMT
Just adding my two cents worth. Jenjie, give yourself a break! Focus on you and your kids for a bit. Break down if you must. You don't need to be so strong all the time.
As always, hugs to you.
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tanya2
Pearl Clutcher
Refupea #1604
Posts: 4,427
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Post by tanya2 on Jan 17, 2016 7:02:06 GMT
I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time!
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Post by cawoman on Jan 17, 2016 7:23:52 GMT
Hugs.
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Post by jenjie on Jan 17, 2016 10:13:32 GMT
It's ok to take a step back and rest. It's ok to say no to things. We are human beings not human doings. You cannot take care of your children unless you take care of yourself. Your ministries will still be there when you are ready to go back to them. Matthew 11:28-30 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Human beings. Not human doings. I like that. It caught my eye the first time through and I forgot. Come unto me, take my yoke upon you... He sent a friend to me yesterday and used this scripture and a devotional she gave me to help me remember it's not supposed to be me facing off against Jesus, it's him inviting me to yoke up with him so we can face things together. It's why he's taking away all my props - so it's just me and him. I'm starting to get excited about what he is inviting me to. |
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purplebee
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,790
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Post by purplebee on Jan 17, 2016 12:51:53 GMT
Hugs to you Jenjie, hope you can get the rest you so sorely need.
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maurchclt
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,644
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Post by maurchclt on Jan 17, 2016 13:09:52 GMT
Some wonderful advise here, so just adding my ((((HUG))).
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ellen
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,734
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Post by ellen on Jan 17, 2016 13:54:49 GMT
I was a physical, emotional mess when my mom died. My doctor gave me a prescription for Lorazapam. It's one you can take as needed. It always made me sleepy, so I thought it was ideal for those nights when I crawled into bed and could not shut my mind off.
You do need to say no to some things. No one will expect you to do all the things you used to do. I know for me doing things like filling my bird feeders and watching my birds were good for me. I took on some crochet and cooking projects. I had a hard time doing things like watching tv or even interacting with people, but my dog got more walks than usual and she was really good for me. My job was a huge stress for me and in order to get that done, I had to keep the rest of my life pretty simple. I'm sorry you are struggling right now. Grieving is so incredibly difficult.
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gsquaredmom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,091
Jun 26, 2014 17:43:22 GMT
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Post by gsquaredmom on Jan 17, 2016 14:11:50 GMT
Stop. Just stop. Your brain is doing something normal. The shock that has protected you is wearing off and your brain is trying to deal with your overwhelming loss. The chemistry is going back to normal. Give it the space and time it needs. Stop stimulating it as much as possible. Cry. Scream. Let it wash over you. Accept it. And let it go.
You have been so strong. This is not weakness. This is part of that process. You will get through because you are strong.
I wish you well. And I am sorry again for your loss.
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gloryjoy
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,332
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Post by gloryjoy on Jan 17, 2016 14:18:56 GMT
It is good that you recognize it.
You come first, everything and everyone else can wait.
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caro
Drama Llama
Refupea 1130
Posts: 5,222
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Post by caro on Jan 17, 2016 14:32:55 GMT
Hugs Jen. That's all, just hugs.
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valleyview
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,816
Jun 27, 2014 18:41:26 GMT
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Post by valleyview on Jan 17, 2016 14:43:21 GMT
Sometimes when we back away, we gain perspective. You have home through the worst of all possible years. Your perspective is most likely and understandably skewed.
Stand back. Regain your balance. Allow others to minister to you. All of this will make you stronger. Don't worry about appearing weak. We are all weak, and a strong faith cannot protect you from that.
The advice on this thread has been so honest and thoughtful. Thank you, ladies
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Post by mikklynn on Jan 17, 2016 16:26:41 GMT
jenjie - Anger is normal. I feel anger about my situation at times, too. I definitely understand the reluctance to ask for help. I reached out recently and my wonderful girlfriends brought me meals for the freezer and cleaned my house from top to bottom. What I have learned, in my life, is when you allow others in to help you, they feel like they are not helpless to help you. It will bring you closer together. Think about all the times in the past you have reached out to help someone. Didn't you feel good, valuable, and closer to those you helped? Give that gift back to your friends. Wishing you peace and healing, dear friend.
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Post by littlefish on Jan 17, 2016 16:56:48 GMT
Bob Goff quits something every Thursday.
This seems like a good time to quit something.
Saying yes to everything can sometimes mean saying no to keeping yourself mentally and physically happy and healthy.
Say yes to yourself, and give yourself some grace.
Jen Hatmaker, in all of her fabulousness, posted this on FB around New Year's:
"As you move into 2016 hoping for a saner schedule that prioritizes your actual life and keeps you focused on the things that matter the most, let me share the decision-making filter my agent Curtis always gives me:
"If it's not a HELL YES, then it's a no."
So that medium yes, that I-feel-like-should yes, that guilty yes, that coerced yes, that I-actually-hate-this-thing yes, that I-guess-so yes, that who-else-will-do-it yes, that careless yes, that default yes, that resentful yes, that I-probably-shouldn't-but-struggle-with-boundaries yes?
NO. Nope.
No thank you. I am unable to commit to that this year. Thank you so much for asking, but any new yes I give right now means a no to my family and sanity. I am so flattered you asked and count on my prayers, but I am at my maximum bandwidth right now. I appreciate your work so much, but I've already committed my time and energy this year. I've loved being a part of this, but I am no longer able to continue. We are aggressively focused on x, y, and z this year, so as a family we've agreed on no new commitments. This is what I can give but won't be able to do more right now.
Now, the things that make your heart race, your blood pump, the fire in your belly burn, your gifts to leap to life, and keep your family and home healthy and strong...the hell yeses? ALL IN, BABY."
Have you read her book, For the Love? It's a perfect read while resting. PM me with your address and I'll send it to you.
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