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Post by aniheartsjapan on Feb 21, 2016 20:32:42 GMT
Easter is fast approaching and I am having anxiety about yet another family get together. My hubby will be working on Easter and so it will be me and my four kiddos (that's not the problem). We will spend the first half of the day with church activities, but afterwards, it gets tricky... Here's my dilemma...
My MIL lives next door to me and she will undoubtedly have a family get together (as she does with every major holiday) and I don't want to go. There are several reasons why I don't, but top 2 are because of how I am treated when everyone gets together. I have a good relationship with MIL and FIL, who I love dearly, but she does have 2 faces at times...family get togethers being one of those... The second reason is my hubby not being there. I am SO much more comfortable with the WHOLE family when he's around, but I can't change that.
My parents are divorced. My dad and stepmom live an hour+ away and are busy all day/evening with church activities and my mother is undependable, so spending the day with any of them is probably not a good option.
I don't want Easter to be awful for my kids. I want us to do something fun. Any suggestions besides suck it up and go? LOL. Because I do that every holiday anyway. I want it to be different this coming holiday and I don't want to just feel stuck. TIA.
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Post by originalvanillabean on Feb 21, 2016 20:38:38 GMT
I have sucked it up for the last eleven years so I know how you feel. It isn't worth it. Stop doing it.
Don't apologize. Don't go. Tell them, I have something planned with the kids this year and do it.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 18, 2024 5:32:56 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Feb 21, 2016 20:39:31 GMT
How old are your kids? and how do they feel about the big family gatherings (playing with cousins and what not)? Does your community have any community events or cultural types of events that day?
I would probably do the church stuff, have a fun lunch for the kids at my house, pop over to see family for about 30 minutes at some point after lunch then plan some egg/scavenger hunt for my kids (and maybe any cousins) relax the rules on screen times, stock up on the normally forbidden snacks and make a leisurely day at home fun.
Because I live close I wouldn't ever plan to spend an entire day with them.
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Post by aniheartsjapan on Feb 21, 2016 20:42:18 GMT
My kids are 12, 8, 5, and 8 mos. They like the family gatherings because of their cousins, but none of them live more than an hour away and we see them often, so I don't think they'd mind...
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scrappinwithoutpeas
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,940
Location: Northern Virginia
Aug 7, 2014 22:09:44 GMT
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Post by scrappinwithoutpeas on Feb 21, 2016 20:45:17 GMT
I don't know the ages of your kids or whether they'll have any cousins or other extended family at the MIL/FIL get-together, but maybe you could make it all about the kids? Organize an Easter-egg hunt or other games or activities that any or all of the kids could join in. In my experience, if I was resentful or uncomfortable going into a situation, I found that putting the focus on the kids and/or a specific activity helped to de-stress it. Or skip the get-together and plan an outing for just you and the kids for something you all enjoy. Even though your DH has to work, is there something you could do where he could join you later in the day? It's your holiday too! ((Hugs)) and good luck!
ETA: just saw your post about the kids ages and the cousins; I think a lot of the suggestions given so far would work.
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Post by Basket1lady on Feb 21, 2016 20:45:19 GMT
Can you find an activity to do with the kids? Or take a picnic dinner to your DH at his work? I think you need a reason not to celebrate with your inlaws, or they may be hurt if you just stay home like it was a normal day.
I would suggest popping by with the kids for a little while. That way, grandma can see the kids all dressed up and it will be a little transition from the norm.
If you can't get out of it, take Easter Monday to celebrate your own way. There's no rule that says you can only celebrate Easter for a single day. When my kids were little, that's what I would do. I'd cook and clean and wrap and decorate for a holiday and then spend another day doing exactly what I wanted to do. It was my own little reward.
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wellway
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,837
Jun 25, 2014 20:50:09 GMT
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Post by wellway on Feb 21, 2016 20:45:42 GMT
Perhaps if you post the general area you live in and the age of your children maybe some of the peas can recommend a good fun event to attend because it sounds as if you will have to make a trip to avoid the event at your MIL's.
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Post by polz on Feb 21, 2016 20:48:39 GMT
Don't go. Life is too short to spend it with people that are not your friend. I went to MIL's 60th birthday without my husband (His family planned it without checking his schedule and he had another engagement that day. Nice family, eh?). They ignored me and I'm OK with that but I don't like how they ignore DD. She is part of their family. I've done it for 19 years and I'm not doing it anymore. My husband's nephew has his birthday in March. The party is on a Saturday and again this was planned without checking if we were free. My husband has $150 tickets to an event that day. Nephew's birthday is not on the Saturday and they could do the party on Sunday but nope, it's Saturday. I don't like the expectation that we have no life and should drop everything to go to their event.
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Post by aniheartsjapan on Feb 21, 2016 20:49:30 GMT
We live about an hour from Fort Worth, TX or Denton, TX, but I don't mind driving at all. I LOVE the idea of taking a picnic to my hubby! <3 I think he would too. He works in Dallas.
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moodyblue
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,191
Location: Western Illinois
Site Supporter
Jun 26, 2014 21:07:23 GMT
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Post by moodyblue on Feb 21, 2016 20:49:48 GMT
I think I'd look for an event to attend or participate in. Any egg hunts, cultural events, theater offerings, museum things going on? Are there any volunteer opportunities that day in your area? Then, you could stop in briefly to see all the relatives but have a good reason for not staying.
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Post by aniheartsjapan on Feb 21, 2016 20:54:11 GMT
You are right, those who say there would be hurt feelings if I just stayed home (since it's just next door)...unless I was sick. So, I'm sure we will "pop by" for a few at some point....but I just cannot stay all day as I'm expected to. Thanksgiving was a nightmare. Christmas was a little better and only because DH was actually there after a couple of hours. Thanksgiving was an all day solo-affair. Thank you for your ideas and encouragement!
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Post by leannec on Feb 21, 2016 20:58:02 GMT
That would be the perfect day to take your kids to the zoo and forget about the family drama At my age, 48, I'm past it
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Post by bc2ca on Feb 21, 2016 20:58:12 GMT
Do you have any friends that don't have family in the area and might be interested in a friend gathering? Depending on weather, you could gather at a park or beach and have an afternoon picnic. Lots of small communities around here host family fun events. ETA I love Basket1lady's suggestion to take a picnic dinner to DH
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Post by hop2 on Feb 21, 2016 21:00:02 GMT
We live about an hour from Fort Worth, TX or Denton, TX, but I don't mind driving at all. I LOVE the idea of taking a picnic to my hubby! <3 I think he would too. He works in Dallas. then go for it!!! Gets you out of the family thing. I would go do church activities Then a nice lunch with the kids either home or out Pop in to grandmas for a tiny bit Head out to an activity or movie. Grab a nice dinner to bring to DH
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Feb 21, 2016 21:02:19 GMT
Don't apologize. Don't go. Tell them, I have something planned with the kids this year and do it. Perfect. You aren't rejecting them. You are just embracing your own plans.
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Post by gypsymama on Feb 21, 2016 21:04:45 GMT
i've never been part of a family or church where easter was an "all day" event! i just can't even imagine! the last churches i went to, we had low attendance on easter bc so many went to visit family so a couple of hours includingsunday school and church, half an hour for an egg hunt, lunch... what else? what are all these easter related things that people do all day long?
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Post by aniheartsjapan on Feb 21, 2016 21:08:21 GMT
i've never been part of a family or church where easter was an "all day" event! i just can't even imagine! the last churches i went to, we had low attendance on easter bc so many went to visit family so a couple of hours includingsunday school and church, half an hour for an egg hunt, lunch... what else? what are all these easter related things that people do all day long? I have a lot of responsibilities at church and then we have sunday school and the main church service, but in our area a lot of people come to church on Easter that never come otherwise. I'm usually home by 1pm from church. The family thing is just how it is with my inlaws. Spend at least half the day together watching tv, eating, talking, and not much else... I used to try and bring games or something to lighten things up, but quit a long time ago doing that.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 18, 2024 5:32:56 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Feb 21, 2016 21:13:18 GMT
i've never been part of a family or church where easter was an "all day" event! i just can't even imagine! the last churches i went to, we had low attendance on easter bc so many went to visit family so a couple of hours includingsunday school and church, half an hour for an egg hunt, lunch... what else? what are all these easter related things that people do all day long? I've never had a church with all day events... but all day family gathering, yes. Not that there is anything Easter related going on, just the expectation the family will prepare a meal, eat leisurely, clean up then sit around and talk all afternoon with nothing definitive planned.. Which is fine (and even fun) IF all the family gets along. Not so fun if it feels like being ignored or picked at by another family member.
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momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,153
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Feb 21, 2016 21:23:32 GMT
We live about an hour from Fort Worth, TX or Denton, TX, but I don't mind driving at all. I LOVE the idea of taking a picnic to my hubby! <3 I think he would too. He works in Dallas. Sounds like a good way to spend some of your day. I'd go to the church activities, pop over the the in-laws on the way back, then take off for a visit with hubby. Nice afternoon at the park or something to round things out Problem solved, lol.
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Post by christine58 on Feb 21, 2016 21:56:04 GMT
gets together. I have a good relationship with MIL and FIL, who I love dearly, but she does have 2 faces at times...family get togethers being one of those... The second reason is my hubby not being there. I am SO much more comfortable with the WHOLE family when he's around, but I can't change that. How does she and others act that turn you off to these kind of events??? Just curious because with them living next door there's no way you won't cause ill feelings if you don't go.
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Post by littlemama on Feb 21, 2016 22:14:53 GMT
I would do the early activities that your family does, then, if it is lunchtime, take your dh lunch, then I would go to MIL's.
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Post by Suziee2 on Feb 21, 2016 22:21:31 GMT
I would pop in so they could see the kids and then enjoy a picnic so your family can spend Easter with DH/daddy. Then go to the zoo or the Botanical Gardens with the kids. When I lived in Dallas, there were always lots of places for Easter Egg hunts that your kids should enjoy.
I agree, if it is too stressful, just make sure you have plans and a reason to not be there.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 18, 2024 5:32:56 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Feb 21, 2016 22:28:45 GMT
I'm of two minds: would the kids miss going? would they care if they don't? If not, then I'd plan an activity with them after church and skip the gathering. I don't buy into the idea that you have to spend every single holiday moment with family. Especially when it's miserable. It's not like you are NEVER going there again, just not now.
IF the kids would be hurt and really miss going to see the family at the gathering, then I'd consider sucking it up and going.
{{{ hugs }}}
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Post by 950nancy on Feb 21, 2016 22:44:37 GMT
I would take a picnic to my husband and then come home and let the baby take a nap. If the older cousins want to go next door that is fine. My boys slept from 1-4 every afternoon and it got me out of all sorts of things I didn't want to attend.
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Post by aniheartsjapan on Feb 21, 2016 23:23:46 GMT
I don't mind going for a little while, but I hate feeling stuck. That's basically my issue.
My MIL acts one way around me/us, but completely different with my SILs around. And my SILs have no interest in me or my kids...just themselves and they're kids. I love the kids/cousins and have them over for sometimes weeks at a time/take them to do things with my kids, etc. i don't expect reciprocation concerning the kids though. It's my MIL's 2 faces that bothers me and my DH. It's not just something I've imagined.
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sweetpeasmom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,605
Jun 27, 2014 14:04:01 GMT
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Post by sweetpeasmom on Feb 21, 2016 23:36:57 GMT
We have started going to lunch on Easter for a benefit. A local restaurant chooses a child with cancer to benefit. Then all proceeds that day go to that family. We have done it the last 2 years. Will probably do it this year. I do it for 2 reasons. One it's a great cause. Two because I really am tired of the way dh's mom treats us (or lack there of). I feel that our friends are more family than she is. Maybe you can find a similar option.
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Post by jbelle on Feb 21, 2016 23:48:41 GMT
Can you find an activity to do with the kids? Or take a picnic dinner to your DH at his work? I think you need a reason not to celebrate with your inlaws, or they may be hurt if you just stay home like it was a normal day.
I would suggest popping by with the kids for a little while. That way, grandma can see the kids all dressed up and it will be a little transition from the norm.
If you can't get out of it, take Easter Monday to celebrate your own way. There's no rule that says you can only celebrate Easter for a single day. When my kids were little, that's what I would do. I'd cook and clean and wrap and decorate for a holiday and then spend another day doing exactly what I wanted to do. It was my own little reward. I love your idea so much. I could see aniheartsjapan now at the 29 minute mark, giving air kisses and outta there, on her way to her DH.
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eleezybeth
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,784
Jun 28, 2014 20:42:01 GMT
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Post by eleezybeth on Feb 21, 2016 23:57:34 GMT
I think you need moderation. You don't have to do the whole day. You have an infant! I bet that baby needs to take a nap at home. *wink, wink* The older kids can stay at G-mas house and enjoy their cousins. Or leave the kids there and take a picnic to your husband.
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Feb 22, 2016 0:10:17 GMT
I'm skipping out on Easter this year because of recent events in our family. I will plan something for our little unit and that's what we are going to do! I don't feel that I owe anyone in the family any explanation at all--mostly because it will be a dramafest, or a guilt trip where I am told I am ruining everyone's holiday (as I have been told before in order for others to get their way and their excuse for being mean). Sooo--since I was going to ruin their holiday anyway why even go--problem solved!! Lol
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smga1
Shy Member
Posts: 40
Jun 28, 2014 23:57:26 GMT
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Post by smga1 on Feb 22, 2016 0:29:13 GMT
I would say you have plans but will stop by for a little bit. Then, you can decide when to go and for how long.
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