julieb
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,845
Jul 3, 2014 16:02:54 GMT
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Post by julieb on Jul 30, 2014 1:03:26 GMT
A little long - My sister told me a few days ago that I "need to get over it". I do not like it when someone tells me how I should feel. I know I need to let it go, but here's the story. Would you be upset?
Last month my Dad was in the hospital. I found out because my Mom called me at 10 p.m. to tell me that she was lost in her car. She got disoriented going home during an intense thunderstorm. She told me where she was- I went and got her and had her follow me back to her house (I only live 5 minutes from them). When I asked her where she was so late she told me my Dad was having chest pains and they drove to the hospital. So I asked her if she drove. Nope, my Dad drove. I was angry, as I have told them repeatedly that they should call an ambulance. I have 5 siblings and we all live within a 10-15 minute drive for them, so they also could have called one of us if they didn't want to go by ambulance. My Dad was fine, they think it was his blood sugar.
Fast forward to two weeks ago. They both go in for cataract surgery the same day. They were doing one eye each with the other eye schedule for tomorrow. The place was 5 minutes away, so I drove my mom and then went back to get my dad. After my mom's surgery the nurse repeatedly said not to drive that day or to follow up appt. the next day. The same was told to my Dad. I told the nurse I would be driving them to the follow up appt.
So the next morning I get up and drive to get them. You get where this is going? Yep, they are gone. My dad drove to the f/u appt. I was furious. They are putting other lives in danger by their stubbornness. I told my sister that she was in charge of them tomorrow and I want nothing to do with this next round.
I'm still furious and now I'm pissed at my sister for telling me to get over it. My dh told my parents this past weekend to give me a month to cool off and asked them if they wanted him to get me mad at him to take the pressure off. What a sweetie. He really loves my parents.
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Post by cindyupnorth on Jul 30, 2014 1:06:30 GMT
Do you think there is some dementia involved? What did they say about them driving themselves?
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Post by melanell on Jul 30, 2014 1:06:47 GMT
I rarely think it's helpful to tell someone else how they should feel.
And in this case, I agree with you. They are not only choosing to endanger themselves but others. I can understand why you are upset.
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Post by Eddie-n-Harley on Jul 30, 2014 1:07:58 GMT
Well, I agree that you're right to be pissed off-- I would be, too. But what will continuing to be mad at them get you, other than high blood pressure? It doesn't sound like they're going to change their behavior.
So I think my advice might also be to "get over it," but for your sake, not theirs.
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Post by disneypal on Jul 30, 2014 1:11:37 GMT
I agree with melanell. They are risking their lives and others lives. I am sure it is hard for parents to accept that they have to give up some of their independence but...if any of us needed eye surgery or was having chest pains, regardless of age,- we'd need to call someone else (or 9-1-1). Just don't discuss with your sister about it anymore. But I would continue to re-enforce the subject with you parents.
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Post by freecharlie on Jul 30, 2014 1:13:52 GMT
So the next morning I get up and drive to get them. You get where this is going? Yep, they are gone. My dad drove to the f/u appt. I was furious. They are putting other lives in danger by their stubbornness. I told my sister that she was in charge of them tomorrow and I want nothing to do with this next round.
I'm still furious and now I'm pissed at my sister for telling me to get over it. My dh told my parents this past weekend to give me a month to cool off and asked them if they wanted him to get me mad at him to take the pressure off. What a sweetie. He really loves my parents. I agree with the bolded part (mine) 100% and it would piss me off too. However, I really hope that you aren't pissed at them for a month for it. Irritated? Yes. Pissed? I don't know. Are you still talking to them? Maybe they need a course in heart attack awareness and what the EMTs can do for a victim.
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julieb
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,845
Jul 3, 2014 16:02:54 GMT
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Post by julieb on Jul 30, 2014 1:17:03 GMT
No dementia. My dad is sharp as a tack. My mom is slowing down a little. I was worried about her getting lost, but it was a horribly rainy night and she was coming home a way she has never driven before.
After the heart incident I had a talk with them as we drove home from the hospital. My dad said he was fine to drive. My response was, "If you thought you were having a heart attack, how could you be fine to drive"? I also reiterated the danger to others. The eye incident was over the phone and again, he said he was fine to drive and that the dr. gave him the all clear after the appointment! I saw them on Saturday and talked with my mom, but had a hard time looking my Dad in the eye. He gave me a hug and laughed. I don't see the humor.
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julieb
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,845
Jul 3, 2014 16:02:54 GMT
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Post by julieb on Jul 30, 2014 1:24:40 GMT
My Dad was thisclose to being a paramedic years ago when he was a volunteer fireman. He knows all the risks and he has had two stents. He has seen many car accidents and heart attacks in the ER when he volunteered there. He has got to know how dangerous his actions are.
Yes, you are right. I would feel horrible if something did happen to them and I had all this anger.
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Post by christine58 on Jul 30, 2014 1:27:05 GMT
Do you think there is some dementia involved? What did they say about them driving themselves? I was thinking the same thing...also...maybe they feel they give up their independence when they ask others to take them places?? How old are they?? I would be upset with my parents if they had been told not to drive and they did.
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julieb
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,845
Jul 3, 2014 16:02:54 GMT
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Post by julieb on Jul 30, 2014 1:34:42 GMT
They are 83 and 82. We don't do much for them, but they happily take a ride to the theatre, etc. when we go as a group.
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TankTop
Pearl Clutcher
Refupea #1,871
Posts: 4,831
Location: On the couch...
Jun 28, 2014 1:52:46 GMT
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Post by TankTop on Jul 30, 2014 1:46:16 GMT
I am sorry. Parents can be so stubborn. I would be mad too because they are endangering others.
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Post by elaine on Jul 30, 2014 1:46:27 GMT
I understand why you are upset. AND I think you are WAY underestimating how hard it is for your parents, especially your dad (who is sharp as a tack), to be dependent on you (or others) for help with basic things like driving. To him, it is one HUGE step closer to the grave to admit he needs help driving places. I know that it is frustrating and angry-making for you to see this, but it is in some ways gut-wrenching terrifying (confronting his own impending death) for him to be in this situation. Please try to have some compassion for how awful it is to lose your independence as a senior citizen who knows it will only get worse, not better...
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Cheesy
Full Member
Posts: 135
Location: The cornfields of Illinois
Jun 26, 2014 16:49:38 GMT
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Post by Cheesy on Jul 30, 2014 1:53:43 GMT
I think there are just people out there who are so intent on doing things themselves, that they really don't stop and think about how dangerous it can be.
My husband is 48 and a paramedic/firefighter. He was on duty and was having a lot of abdominal pain. He & his shift mates decided it was his appendix. They assumed he would call me.
Nope. He drove himself to the hospital, went through the ER testing, and then sent me a text right before they took him to surgery. Yes, he got chewed out by me--he didn't think it was any big deal!
Every day that man makes me shake my head.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 18:22:52 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 30, 2014 1:54:49 GMT
I rarely think it's helpful to tell someone else how they should feel. And in this case, I agree with you. They are not only choosing to endanger themselves but others. I can understand why you are upset. ITA. My dad used to do this. We were just lucky he never had an accident that hurt anyone. We begged, we pleaded, we got angry-nothing moved him. I'm not sure there is a way to solve this problem, but this is an issue that needs to be addressed with so many seniors.
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Post by redrulz on Jul 30, 2014 1:56:47 GMT
I completely agree with what Elaine posted. I would just like to add that I understand your position. You are close by and willing to help with whatever they need. As frustrating as it might be, you can't force them to take your help. Just offer what you can and try not to get too put off when they refuse. Being frustrated and angry is not going to change anything.
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Post by txdancermom on Jul 30, 2014 2:00:49 GMT
If I lived closer to my parents my dad would be like this....he is stubborn and said he doesn't need help, and most of the time it is true.
I understand that you feel they are putting themselves and others in danger. after mil had ner 2nd accident we finally convinced her that she didn't need to drive anywhere but in the small town where they lived at the time.
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momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,153
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Jul 30, 2014 2:06:28 GMT
Doesn't sound like they take your concerns seriously, although they certainly should. The thing that I find interesting is, why would they schedule the cataract surgeries on the same day? If they wanted to be independent of their kids they could have scheduled them separately so they could drive each other.
I'm with the others, you need to try to let it go for your own sake. My parents are starting to age and I feel like time is valuable so don't spend your time with them mad.
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Post by doxielady on Jul 30, 2014 2:10:55 GMT
I understand why you are upset. AND I think you are WAY underestimating how hard it is for your parents, especially your dad (who is sharp as a tack), to be dependent on you (or others) for help with basic things like driving. To him, it is one HUGE step closer to the grave to admit he needs help driving places. I know that it is frustrating and angry-making for you to see this, but it is in some ways gut-wrenching terrifying (confronting his own impending death) for him to be in this situation. Please try to have some compassion for how awful it is to lose your independence as a senior citizen who knows it will only get worse, not better... I completely agree with this. I have become more physically dependent on others these past few years and as a stubbornly independent women - it is one of the hardest things that I do. to depend on others. It just isn't easy.
As far as the phrase "you need to get over it" - anyone using that phrase to me would be hard pressed to have me speak to them again for a long long time. I hate that phrase. I think it is demeaning and dismissive of your feelings. As if you can just turn your feelings off like a switch. Just validate my feelings and let me deal with it in my own time. Which will be a lot quicker if that phrase isn't used!
I hope your parents get better. It isn't easy getting older and having things go wrong.
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Post by lucyg on Jul 30, 2014 2:11:44 GMT
I don't blame you for being mad at your folks. Sometimes we need to be told to "get over it" but this doesn't sound like one of those times.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 18:22:52 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 30, 2014 2:33:24 GMT
I think it is that generation, they don't want to put anybody out. My near 80 year old dad had to have a kidney removed yesterday and was going to drive himself to the hospital and then just drive himself home when he is discharged. My sister and I put a stop to that real fast.
and no...you don't need to just get over it.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 18:22:52 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 30, 2014 2:49:28 GMT
I would be irritated with anyone telling me to get over something. Especially something that is very dear to my heart, like your parents' safety.
My parents are getting up there in age too so I foresee this happening in my near future. Although I wouldn't get angry with them. I would be irritated and let them know it. But I would also shower them with love and reassure them that I am nearby and would be happy to drive them anywhere. But I would give them their independence and allow them to decide for themselves. But each time I would keep lovingly assure them that I would be happy to drive anywhere.
I feel like as our parents age, the roles get reversed. But it's a very delicate relationship. My philosophy is to shower them with unconditional love and let them know you are there for them when they need it.
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Post by kluski on Jul 30, 2014 2:53:21 GMT
My dad drove both he and my mother to the hospital while he was having a massive heart attack. I was sooooo pissed that he put both their lives at risk. So yeah I get it.
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eastcoastpea
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,252
Jun 27, 2014 13:05:28 GMT
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Post by eastcoastpea on Jul 30, 2014 3:13:30 GMT
If I was in your situation I would be upset with both parents and sister. What your parents did put themselves and others at risk. Safety trumps independence.
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julieb
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,845
Jul 3, 2014 16:02:54 GMT
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Post by julieb on Jul 30, 2014 3:19:13 GMT
You are right. I'm realizing it is about his independence and fear of aging. I need to be more patient. Yes, I told my mom I felt like I was the parent reprimanding her and she was the 10 yo. And like a 10 yo she didn't care. I couldn't agree more. She said it to me before and it hurt my feelings even more. I would love to say it to her the next time she complains about her dh or kids, but I'm not going to make her feel as bad as I did.
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Post by elaine on Jul 30, 2014 3:23:12 GMT
You are right. I'm realizing it is about his independence and fear of aging. I need to be more patient. Yes, I told my mom I felt like I was the parent reprimanding her and she was the 10 yo. And like a 10 yo she didn't care. I couldn't agree more. She said it to me before and it hurt my feelings even more. I would love to say it to her the next time she complains about her dh or kids, but I'm not going to make her feel as bad as I did. (((Hugs)))
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Post by BeckyTech on Jul 30, 2014 3:38:41 GMT
I really understand and empathize with you. You've been given some good points. I can only add that it might not hurt to go over and have a quiet visit with just the two of them when none of you are stressed and reiterate how much you want to help them, how it is no trouble, you are so close by, etc. etc. Do it more in a worried tone, rather than in a commanding tone and let them know how hurt you are that they don't seem to feel that they can rely on you or lean on you in their times of need. Parents don't like to hurt their kids' feelings, play it up.
While it may not work, it's worth a try. End the chat with an immediate offer (now, will you please let me drive you to this or that appointment?) so they know you really mean it.
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Post by AussieMeg on Jul 30, 2014 3:50:25 GMT
I understand why you are upset. AND I think you are WAY underestimating how hard it is for your parents, especially your dad (who is sharp as a tack), to be dependent on you (or others) for help with basic things like driving. I agree with this, BUT in this case he had had eye surgery the day before! He should not have been driving regardless of whether he is 83 or 23. When I had eye surgery (laser) I got my dad to drive me to the follow up appointment the next day because the doctor told me I was NOT allowed to drive - as did the OP's dad's doctor! This particular incident really has nothing to do with him losing his independence, it is about disregarding doctors orders and being a hazard to other road users.
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Post by elaine on Jul 30, 2014 4:09:16 GMT
I understand why you are upset. AND I think you are WAY underestimating how hard it is for your parents, especially your dad (who is sharp as a tack), to be dependent on you (or others) for help with basic things like driving. I agree with this, BUT in this case he had had eye surgery the day before! He should not have been driving regardless of whether he is 83 or 23. When I had eye surgery (laser) I got my dad to drive me to the follow up appointment the next day because the doctor told me I was NOT allowed to drive - as did the OP's dad's doctor! This particular incident really has nothing to do with him losing his independence, it is about disregarding doctors orders and being a hazard to other road users. I understand that to YOU it was about following doctor's orders, but you were not facing imminent death in the next decade. Seriously, at 83, the OP's father has already beaten the odds for life expectancy for a male in the USA. He knows that each step he takes is one closer to the grave. If you can't see the psychological difference between you having eye surgery resulting in being dependent on someone else when you were middle-aged (or younger, you didn't say), and the OPs parents having it in their 80s, then you don't get it at a fundamental level. I only hope that you remember your feelings now when you are in your 80s, and see if you easily relinquish, in terms of independence, what you feel time and society are trying to wrench away from you. It isn't easy to be in the OPs shoes and I understand the anger and fear for her parents' safety and well being - not to mention everyone else on the road. AND, I can also appreciate how hard it is on her parents. Especially since it sounds like her father is mentally well aware what is happening.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 18:22:53 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 30, 2014 4:21:21 GMT
I think it's really difficult for some to rely on others for anything. I would have a Come to Jesus meeting and reiterate the fact that not only are they putting themselves at risk but others too.
Good luck
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Post by AussieMeg on Jul 30, 2014 4:29:06 GMT
Whoa Elaine, settle down! The OP said that the nurse repeatedly told her father that he was not allowed to drive after eye surgery. She was angry at him for disregarding the nurse's orders and thereby putting other people's lives at risk. As I said, it was dangerous whether he is 83 or 23. The only reason I brought up my own situation is to show that regardless of a person's age, if they are told not to drive after surgery then they shouldn't bloody well be driving. Maybe him not following those orders is tied into his fear of losing his independence, I don't know. But he still should not have been driving.
I have been through the scenario of an elderly relative who had to be told not to drive any more. I do understand how awful it is (and will be for me when the time comes) to lose your independence in that way. I'm not totally heartless thanks.
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