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Post by Delta Dawn on Apr 5, 2016 23:08:14 GMT
Mine is miserable all the time. He hates everyone in the family and is mad at me constantly. God help me ask him to do anything in the house, for me or *anything* really. He is always sulking and he is mad. He makes me feel bad about asking him to do something. He just goes in his bedroom and shuts the door. When he does that and I need to communicate with him, I text him from upstairs because I am assuming he doesn't want me to talk to him. I am fine with that. He also gets pissy with me if I text him because he says "can't you come and talk to me?" Yeah, I could. That would be the nice way to deal with whatever it is, but having him bite my head off for disturbing him OR seeing that the door is closed makes me think he doesn't want to be disturbed. Ok, then we will deal with it my way. I will just text him and not talk.
He is an adult (age 20) and I do a lot of stuff for him just because I like doing it. Things I do are making his miso soup at night so he has it ready for breakfast in the morning. I will go to the supermarket the night before as well, to make sure he has exactly what he wants for lunch food even if I am tired or it's inconvenient for me. I always do his laundry for him. He works really hard and I don't mind doing laundry so I just do it. His clothes can be done in 3 loads and it's no big deal.
He is moving back to Vancouver in May and it can't happen quickly enough. He was having an episode with me last night which is fine. I just got my purse and left for a few hours. I didn't want to see him and I needed time to cool off. It pisses him off to no end when I do that. I think we are all a bit raw right now which sucks, but he doesn't have to be an asshole about it either. He won't go for grief counseling or anything. I can't help him there as I am just getting by myself.
He has been griping that he needs to go to the eye doctor and eye surgeon (they are different) because his vision is deteriorating he says. I made appointments for him 3x and stopped after I cancelled the third one. If he can't make the effort to go then I can't help him. He needs to go see our GP about a motor vehicle accident (he was rear-ended) and had huge damage to the car. She needs to document his improvement for his insurance.
So the point of the post is, child, "Do whatever the eff you want. I am done. Move out and take your shit with you. Also, if it seems I don't care it's because I don't anymore."
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Post by freecharlie on Apr 5, 2016 23:11:22 GMT
Ugh it is hard when they are adults, but aren't taking all the adult responsibility and living at home.
I hope May comes fast for you
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Post by Susie_Homemaker on Apr 5, 2016 23:21:28 GMT
I'm sorry it's hard to deal with him right now. It sounds like moving out will be the best thing for the both of you.
I'm going to add this too because I just heard it a few days ago and I mean this gently and with kindness.... You are treating him like a child but yet you expect him to act like an adult. You made the dr.s appt for him instead of letiing him handle it on his own, you take care of his food, you buy it and prepare it, you also do all of his laundry. What responsibilities do you give him? He's old enough to live on his own and to handle all of this. It doesn't sound like much of it is caused by grief- but I don't know you or him so forgive me if that's overstepping. Just don't credit him acting like a butthead to grief if he was like this before your mom died. ((hugs))
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Sept 28, 2024 20:55:04 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 5, 2016 23:22:48 GMT
He needs a "come to Jesus" moment! You lost your mother and you don't need his shit right.
From all accounts he is a good child under stress, but he can take care of himself. Stop doing things for him.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Sept 28, 2024 20:55:04 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 5, 2016 23:30:04 GMT
Hopefully he will appreciate you more when he moves. I think he should start doing his laundry and preparing his own food if he isn't even grateful for what you do! That's not okay. Be gentle with yourself. Grief can be exhausting. Big hugs!
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gsquaredmom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,091
Jun 26, 2014 17:43:22 GMT
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Post by gsquaredmom on Apr 5, 2016 23:36:17 GMT
Everyone is grieving. Be gentle with him and you.
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desertgirl
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by desertgirl on Apr 5, 2016 23:38:00 GMT
He is old enough to understand that you just lost your beloved mom, Elannah. Stop doing things for him that are not in the normal routine of the house. But tell him you are going to stop so it's not pissy on your part. Just be honest and take his shit one more time in person, not by text.
Lord, he's old enough to cut you some slack and honor you. I believe there is honor for mothers in Japanese culture.
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Post by mlynn on Apr 5, 2016 23:59:38 GMT
Mine is miserable all the time. He hates everyone in the family and is mad at me constantly. God help me ask him to do anything in the house, for me or *anything* really. He is always sulking and he is mad. He makes me feel bad about asking him to do something. He just goes in his bedroom and shuts the door. When he does that and I need to communicate with him, I text him from upstairs because I am assuming he doesn't want me to talk to him. I am fine with that. He also gets pissy with me if I text him because he says "can't you come and talk to me?" Yeah, I could. That would be the nice way to deal with whatever it is, but having him bite my head off for disturbing him OR seeing that the door is closed makes me think he doesn't want to be disturbed. Ok, then we will deal with it my way. I will just text him and not talk. He is an adult (age 20) and I do a lot of stuff for him just because I like doing it. Things I do are making his miso soup at night so he has it ready for breakfast in the morning. I will go to the supermarket the night before as well, to make sure he has exactly what he wants for lunch food even if I am tired or it's inconvenient for me. I always do his laundry for him. He works really hard and I don't mind doing laundry so I just do it. His clothes can be done in 3 loads and it's no big deal. He is moving back to Vancouver in May and it can't happen quickly enough. He was having an episode with me last night which is fine. I just got my purse and left for a few hours. I didn't want to see him and I needed time to cool off. It pisses him off to no end when I do that. I think we are all a bit raw right now which sucks, but he doesn't have to be an asshole about it either. He won't go for grief counseling or anything. I can't help him there as I am just getting by myself. He has been griping that he needs to go to the eye doctor and eye surgeon (they are different) because his vision is deteriorating he says. I made appointments for him 3x and stopped after I cancelled the third one. If he can't make the effort to go then I can't help him. He needs to go see our GP about a motor vehicle accident (he was rear-ended) and had huge damage to the car. She needs to document his improvement for his insurance. So the point of the post is, child, "Do whatever the eff you want. I am done. Move out and take your shit with you. Also, if it seems I don't care it's because I don't anymore."
I am not trying to be snarky here. I hope you take this in the spirit intended.
RE: The bolded text
You are both doing the same thing. The geography is different, but it is the same.
I am sorry you lost your mother. And I am sorry you son is being a putz. There is not much to like about teenage boys. (Yes, I know he is 20, but there is not a lot of difference between 19 and 20.)
Mary
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Post by christine58 on Apr 6, 2016 0:28:20 GMT
Stop doing for him. He can do his own laundry and make his own breakfast. He's not a child. If his vision isn't important to him....oh well. He needs to grow up.
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basketdiva
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,649
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Post by basketdiva on Apr 6, 2016 0:32:37 GMT
You've vented about your son before. You do everything for him and are constantly walking on eggshells around him. It's past time to have frank discussion with him about his attitude and treatment of you.
stop doing things just for him. No more special trips to the store and no more doing his laundry. Who does all these things for him when he is in Vancouver? As for the doctor appointments, remind him that without good eye site, his future can be severely limited and you are concerned for him. If he is worried about what the doctor might say, offer to go with him.
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purplebee
Drama Llama
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Post by purplebee on Apr 6, 2016 0:33:20 GMT
Oh yes, been there and done that. Mine will be 21 in July.
I will preface this by saying that you and your family have been through a very stressful year and it will take some time to adjust to the loss of your Mom. I'm sure it has had an impact on your son, and he does sound like he is one to hold everything inside, so you need to consider that when dealing with his attitude towards you. Not that I am condoning it or making excuses.
My son moved out last May and is working and paying all his bills.
He is doing ok, though in many instances, not doing things the way his Dad and I would like, but we HAVE to stop trying to manage (and micromanage!) his life. We are getting much better at this as time passes. I think you will find some relief in letting him go and giving him a chance to grow up. It is hard!!!!!
Work on building up your own strength and health, find some things to do that you enjoy. Let him know you are there for him but let him figure it out on his own. Let him make his own appointments and payments, do his own laundry, and let him learn. I wish you the best, I know you have been through an incredibly difficult time, and most of all, I wish you peace.
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Post by Delta Dawn on Apr 6, 2016 0:33:42 GMT
I am not trying to be snarky here. I hope you take this in the spirit intended.
RE: The bolded text
You are both doing the same thing. The geography is different, but it is the same.
I am sorry you lost your mother. And I am sorry you son is being a putz. There is not much to like about teenage boys. (Yes, I know he is 20, but there is not a lot of difference between 19 and 20.)
Mary
I agree I did the same thing as him. I needed to get out of the house because I didn't want to say something to him that I might regret later. In my past i was a huge pick a fight with someone kind of person. I didn't want to do that even though it might have been justified. Yelling at him to tell him how mad I was at him would solve nothing I am sure. Leaving and coming back when I had cooled down just made more sense than yelling at him. Also if I had yelled at him what purpose would it have served? I got my point across with no words. He knew I was mad at him and I didn't have to say anything. Path of least resistance. He is saying he wants to go to Japan and spend some time with his father. I think that will do both of us a world of good. I love the young man he is when he wants to be nice. Sometimes I hate the person he is the rest of the time. I watch every single word I say with him. I don't tell him how I am really feeling nor how when he does this or that that it pisses me off or show some consideration of others. I don't think I can control the tone of voice or the vocabulary I use so I just walk away from it. The mother in the family who lived below us in Japan used to scream at her kids all the time. My son's father made me promise him I would never talk to him like that. I haven't. Screaming at a child solves nothing. I have always talked to him politely, with consideration and thought. Even when I was mad at him I was still forgiving. At the last blow up he said "I used to praise everything he did and I got excited when he did _______." That made him feel good inside and about himself. I supposedly don't do that anymore. Ok, what should I praise right now? Tell me. Like how you never clean up the kitchen? How you don't take the garbage out (ever-ever-ever) or how if I ask you to get something for me because it's too high up you get pissed off? Right, I should should be not asking you to do tasks for me that are beneath you. Yeah, honey, tell me what I should be praising you for so I know. You being an asshole? Yeah I am not feeding into that. Sorry but ignoring you is what I am going to do and you figure out why I am mad. It's not *one* thing. It's about 2000 things now. |
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LeaP
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,939
Location: Los Angeles, CA where 405 meets 101
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Post by LeaP on Apr 6, 2016 0:47:02 GMT
Stop pampering him. Take that energy and do something nice for yourself. In theory, he is "ready to launch". Let him fly. He can make miso, do laundry and so on. You just lost your mother, take some time to settle down into your new normal.
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Deleted
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Sept 28, 2024 20:55:04 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 6, 2016 1:15:19 GMT
As others have posted, you need to stop being an enabler. You allow him to treat you that way. It is time he behaves like an adult and it's time for you to stop doing everything for him.
Blunt....I know. But as an outsider, after reading your post, I'm shaking my head. Re-read your post and ask yourself, "am I teaching my son to be self sufficient or am I wanting him to be totally dependent on me?"
My sister is an enabler and ALLOWS her adult daughter to habitually run her life; I just can't grasp why. Is my sister trying to fill a void in her own life? Does my sister miss those days when her daughter was totally dependent on her? I would rather be a mother to an independent, successful adult than a mother to an adult that still needs to be breastfed.
Sending hugs and positive thoughts.
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pridemom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,843
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Post by pridemom on Apr 6, 2016 1:43:54 GMT
Going to stay with his dad might be good for both of you. If he goes, you need to find your own "groove" and make changes so if he wants to come back, he'll need to be independent and get his own place. You've had a lot going on and you could take this opportunity to focus on yourself.
As the mother of an almost 21 year old son who's looking for his own place, and an 18 year old who's leaving home soon, it's good for parent and adult child. And my kids have more responsibility than your son. They don't fully grow up until they leave home.
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Post by Eddie-n-Harley on Apr 6, 2016 1:44:17 GMT
I love the young man he is when he wants to be nice. Sometimes I hate the person he is the rest of the time. I watch every single word I say with him. I don't tell him how I am really feeling nor how when he does this or that that it pisses me off or show some consideration of others. I don't think I can control the tone of voice or the vocabulary I use so I just walk away from it. The mother in the family who lived below us in Japan used to scream at her kids all the time. My son's father made me promise him I would never talk to him like that. I haven't. Screaming at a child solves nothing. I have always talked to him politely, with consideration and thought. Even when I was mad at him I was still forgiving. At the last blow up he said "I used to praise everything he did and I got excited when he did _______." That made him feel good inside and about himself. I supposedly don't do that anymore. Ok, what should I praise right now? Tell me. Like how you never clean up the kitchen? How you don't take the garbage out (ever-ever-ever) or how if I ask you to get something for me because it's too high up you get pissed off? Right, I should should be not asking you to do tasks for me that are beneath you. Yeah, honey, tell me what I should be praising you for so I know. You being an asshole? Yeah I am not feeding into that. Sorry but ignoring you is what I am going to do and you figure out why I am mad. It's not *one* thing. It's about 2000 things now. 1. Your son is no longer a child. (He will always be your child, but he is not a child.) 2. When you're no longer pissed, you should try to start complimenting him when you can. It doesn't need to be "I like how you folded the laundry" but rather "thanks for putting your laundry away, I appreciate it." It goes a long way to building a foundation for getting the stuff you want done without nagging and without a fight. At least, it does for boyfriends and husbands; I imagine it works for offpsring, too. 3. Men are terrible, terrible mind readers. If you wait for him to figure out why you're mad, you're going to be waiting a long time. |
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Post by mlynn on Apr 6, 2016 2:42:09 GMT
I am not trying to be snarky here. I hope you take this in the spirit intended.
RE: The bolded text
You are both doing the same thing. The geography is different, but it is the same.
I am sorry you lost your mother. And I am sorry you son is being a putz. There is not much to like about teenage boys. (Yes, I know he is 20, but there is not a lot of difference between 19 and 20.)
Mary
I agree I did the same thing as him. I needed to get out of the house because I didn't want to say something to him that I might regret later. In my past i was a huge pick a fight with someone kind of person. I didn't want to do that even though it might have been justified. Yelling at him to tell him how mad I was at him would solve nothing I am sure. Leaving and coming back when I had cooled down just made more sense than yelling at him. Also if I had yelled at him what purpose would it have served? I got my point across with no words. He knew I was mad at him and I didn't have to say anything. Path of least resistance. He is saying he wants to go to Japan and spend some time with his father. I think that will do both of us a world of good. I love the young man he is when he wants to be nice. Sometimes I hate the person he is the rest of the time. I watch every single word I say with him. I don't tell him how I am really feeling nor how when he does this or that that it pisses me off or show some consideration of others. I don't think I can control the tone of voice or the vocabulary I use so I just walk away from it. The mother in the family who lived below us in Japan used to scream at her kids all the time. My son's father made me promise him I would never talk to him like that. I haven't. Screaming at a child solves nothing. I have always talked to him politely, with consideration and thought. Even when I was mad at him I was still forgiving. At the last blow up he said "I used to praise everything he did and I got excited when he did _______." That made him feel good inside and about himself. I supposedly don't do that anymore. Ok, what should I praise right now? Tell me. Like how you never clean up the kitchen? How you don't take the garbage out (ever-ever-ever) or how if I ask you to get something for me because it's too high up you get pissed off? Right, I should should be not asking you to do tasks for me that are beneath you. Yeah, honey, tell me what I should be praising you for so I know. You being an asshole? Yeah I am not feeding into that. Sorry but ignoring you is what I am going to do and you figure out why I am mad. It's not *one* thing. It's about 2000 things now. I think I may have misunderstood your original post. I was thinking you were upset with him for holing up in his room. I just wanted to share perspective that he was following in your footsteps on that one.
Not screaming is a good thing. If you cannot get away and feel like screaming, remember to lower your voice. That can keep things from escalating on both sides. He will have to focus to hear you, and that can distract him from escalating emotionally.
I really am sorry you are going through so much these days. I care.  Remember to take care of yourself and stay on top of your medical situation.
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Post by gar on Apr 6, 2016 13:56:22 GMT
From what you've said in the past, this isn't a new pattern between you so although, of course, I have sympathy for his grief, it really is time things changed anyway.
I know that sometimes it's nice just to do things for our kids, even the older ones, because we can and just because we still enjoy mothering but it isn't doing anyone any favours when this is the result.
When yours and his initial grief is starting to pass you need to think about how you're going to change things when he's at home with you. You shouldn't have to walk on eggshells constantly in your own home but only you can bring about the change. And while leaving and not shouting is great its just postponing any sort of resolution really.
Take care.
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tiffanytwisted
Pearl Clutcher
you can check out any time you like, but you can never leave
Posts: 4,538
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Post by tiffanytwisted on Apr 6, 2016 22:17:34 GMT
1. Your son is no longer a child. (He will always be your child, but he is not a child.) 2. When you're no longer pissed, you should try to start complimenting him when you can. It doesn't need to be "I like how you folded the laundry" but rather "thanks for putting your laundry away, I appreciate it." It goes a long way to building a foundation for getting the stuff you want done without nagging and without a fight. At least, it does for boyfriends and husbands; I imagine it works for offpsring, too. 3. Men are terrible, terrible mind readers. If you wait for him to figure out why you're mad, you're going to be waiting a long time. This. Number 3 is especially true and even moreso for someone in his age whose brain isn't fully developed. I agree, it's time for him to do more for himself and for you to do less. Just be fair and be sure to give him a heads up and not just stop doing it. And make sure you spin it so it's a positive thing. It's not that you're not doing stuff for him anymore because he's ungrateful (which they all can be) it's that you know he's mature enough to handle these things. Which is the truth anyway. Hang in there. Like others have said, you've had a tough year and boys/men at this age can be the bane of our existence. May isn't too far off. Distance will make the heart grow fonder! |
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Remember to take care of yourself and stay on top of your medical situation.
