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Post by iamkristinl16 on Apr 10, 2016 19:50:02 GMT
If you had a friend who cheated on their spouse (and subsequently divorced) or who started a relationship with a married man (who then later divorced his wife) how supportive would you be of the friend and the new relationship? There is a situation I have in mind but am curious of how people would handle this?
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Deleted
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Jun 2, 2024 12:47:49 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 10, 2016 19:55:37 GMT
Honestly? I don't think I'd be very supportive at all. I have no patience for people who cheat on their spouses or allow themselves to cheat with people they know are married/commited to someone else.
End one relationship properly first before you start another.
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Post by padresfan619 on Apr 10, 2016 19:59:23 GMT
My father in law had an affair and is still with his mistress. We are cordial to him and his girlfriend, but my loyalty lies with my mother in law. It has been 5 years so she's sticking around, I guess, but I don't go out of my way to be involved with them.
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valleyview
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Post by valleyview on Apr 10, 2016 20:05:10 GMT
I think those scenarios would always make me a bit cautious about a new relationship, BUT it's really unfair to judge those actions because we never truly know who or what is best for others, and we shouldn't judge.
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Deleted
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Jun 2, 2024 12:47:49 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 10, 2016 20:06:10 GMT
I would not be close to her. We do not share the same values.
The people I am closest to are people I can respect. I have no respect for cheaters.
We can be casual acquaintances.
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ginacivey
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Post by ginacivey on Apr 10, 2016 20:07:51 GMT
what if you are friends...and then you find out...years later that her relationship started as an affair?
gina
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Post by refugeepea on Apr 10, 2016 20:08:51 GMT
I would not be close to her. We do not share the same values. The people I am closest to are people I can respect. I have no respect for cheaters. We can be casual acquaintances.  |
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Post by refugeepea on Apr 10, 2016 20:10:08 GMT
what if you are friends...and then you find out...years later that her relationship started as an affair? She would become a casual acquaintance. |
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Post by lucyg on Apr 10, 2016 20:12:10 GMT
My opinion is colored by the fact that my father left my mother after 30 years of marriage for another woman, who also left her husband. Pain, drama, chaos ensued. But you know what? Everyone ended up happier, including my mom, and she and my stepmother are on good terms. We even took a trip together one time after my dad died ... my mom, my stepmom, and me.  What I think is that people are imperfect and shit happens. The rejected spouse gets to be pissed off and her friends and family get to be supportive. But in general, I'm not going to go around being judgmental if I'm not directly impacted. p.s. my dad provided very, very well for my mom, continued putting my younger siblings through college, paid for weddings, etc. IF he had been one of those men who did his damnedest to avoid supporting his first family, I might feel different about the whole thing. |
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Post by iamkristinl16 on Apr 10, 2016 20:14:55 GMT
That is pretty much how I feel. There is a family in our town that we have a lot of contact with due to our kids being friends and in activities together. The summer before last the husband was the coach for my sons baseball team. There was some drama at a tournament and at the end of the summer it was reported that the man had an affair with another teacher at the school he taught at. The original couple got divorced. I am not sure if the affair stopped for awhile and then picked up again or if he is just being more public about it now. I talk to the wife quite a bit at games and she is still very bitter about it. The husband hasn't brought the girlfriend to any games as of yet but they have posted on Facebook about going on dates, vacations and now are engaged. I have some other mutual friends who are friends with the girlfriend and I always wonder what they know and if they know how the relationship started, how they are truly that supportive of her (they post things on the date pics as well as do things socially with her). I'm wondering if she will start coming to games later this spring and if so, how that will go over with the wife being there as well. It is a small team and everyone knows each other. Could be awkward.
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caro
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Post by caro on Apr 10, 2016 20:20:34 GMT
Honestly? I don't think I'd be very supportive at all. I have no patience for people who cheat on their spouses or allow themselves to cheat with people they know are married/commited to someone else. End one relationship properly first before you start another. I feel this way too. It happened in my family and I just couldn't buy the "it just happened, we couldn't help ourselves ." First off, don't go after a married man and second, don't cheat on your wife. |
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Post by Zee on Apr 10, 2016 20:24:16 GMT
I don't like it, but she's my friend, not her spouse. All the things I love her for are still there and I'm not about to end our friendship over her infidelity. It has nothing to do with our friendship.
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lesley
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Post by lesley on Apr 10, 2016 20:29:57 GMT
I think it's easy to say that you would not be able to be supportive, but we never really know what someone else's marriage is like.
I had a close cousin, who was in an unhappy second marriage when she met her third husband. He was also married. I was only a teenager when they met, so there are details I was never told. However, they went on to be together for 38 years, only marrying after 20 years together. They were the happiest, most in love couple I have ever met. They were still holding hands every day when her husband died a couple of years ago. If we had pulled away from them in disapproval, I would have missed the most joyful, life-affirming relationship I have ever witnessed.
I cannot condemn someone who wants to take another chance on love.
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Post by refugeepea on Apr 10, 2016 20:32:39 GMT
@iamkristin16 in your situation, I'd keep my distance with both people. Where it's not family and baseball only lasts a season, it's not worth the drama.
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Post by Really Red on Apr 10, 2016 20:33:21 GMT
No one is condemning someone who want to take a second (third, fourth, etc) chance at love. It's doing it while you're married or they're married to someone else.
Honestly, I truly do not like cheats, but I would tolerate someone if they were in my family. Not if they were my friend.
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Post by librarylady on Apr 10, 2016 20:35:28 GMT
So many variables, so it is hard to say. As a general rule, wouldn't want to hang out with the couple.
But----
For starters......do you KNOW all the details, or just think you know?
Situation that I know about--first wife tells anyone who will listen that she was wronged, and how the ex has a GF.
I happen to know that wife's friend set up the husband with the new GF after the wife filed for divorce.
So, I now am not so fast to say, "Looks like xxx must have been unfaithful."
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Post by momofkandn on Apr 10, 2016 20:35:58 GMT
I am very biased because my ex cheated and we divorced. He's not with his mistress anymore. But to me, cheating is selfish and immoral. I would have a lot of trouble trusting anyone that I knew cheated. Therefore they would only be casual acquaintances and not a good friend. I might make an exception of the person really regretted what they did and fully acknowledged the pain they caused. But my personal experience would still be a big hurdle to a close relationship. This goes for someone even if they weren't married but had an affair with someone they knew was married. While it certainly isn't my place to judge as we never know someone's whole story, I still couldn't be a close friend.
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Deleted
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Jun 2, 2024 12:47:49 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 10, 2016 20:37:48 GMT
No one is condemning someone who want to take a second (third, fourth, etc) chance at love. It's doing it while you're married or they're married to someone else. Exactly that, if you aren't happy in a relationship then end it first before you move on. Affairs are sneaky and sordid and leave a huge wake of unhappiness behind them. |
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Post by iamkristinl16 on Apr 10, 2016 20:40:56 GMT
I'm not planning to start any drama and will not be rude to the girlfriend if she does come to games. I guess there are a few issues I have been mulling over--one is the idea of what I would do if one of my friends was "the other woman" or started an affair when they were married. I tend to have a hard time respecting someone that would do that but also know that I don't know the whole story (about this situation or any other potential situation). The way lesley describes her family members story is very romantic. But there is more to the backstory as well. People who may have been hurt, etc. I've also been wondering if, now that they are engaged, the girlfriend will be more visible with the husband, particularly at games. If that happens, hopefully there is no drama between the ex-wife and girlfriend. Seems like it would be awkward for both. |
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Post by refugeepea on Apr 10, 2016 20:47:22 GMT
For starters......do you KNOW all the details, or just think you know? I do agree with this! If I do KNOW for certain there was an affair, I would keep my distance from the cheater. |
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Post by iamkristinl16 on Apr 10, 2016 20:50:37 GMT
I don't know when it started or the inside details, but yes, I am certain there was an affair.
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luvnlifelady
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Post by luvnlifelady on Apr 10, 2016 20:54:02 GMT
My good friend did this. They were high school sweethearts and each married others and had kids. She has 4 boys and took 3 of them (the oldest elected to stay with dad) and moved across country to be with the guy. I was supportive of her (not really the situation) because I knew it would die a quick death and it did. DS is best friends with one of her boys and I wanted to stay in touch with him also. They are still best friends.
I know people make mistakes and I still accept her as my friend.
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Post by 950nancy on Apr 10, 2016 21:03:47 GMT
I don't like it, but she's my friend, not her spouse. All the things I love her for are still there and I'm not about to end our friendship over her infidelity. It has nothing to do with our friendship. I agree. There is a quote about when you judge someone it doesn't define the other person, it defines you. If my friend was the cheater, I would try to be supportive and understand. While I would love it if all of my friends were perfect, it would put too much pressure on me to be the same. Now would I be interested in a man who did that? Probably not. That falls into trust, and I would have a difficult time assuming he had changed. |
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Post by Woobster on Apr 10, 2016 21:10:07 GMT
I have a friend who married her high school sweetheart at 19. At 23, she cheated and they divorced. 13 years later, she is still with the person she cheated with, married, and has 2 cute little kids. I am supportive of her and her relationship... She is my friend and I'm glad she is happy. I do not agree with all of her choices, but I'm sure she hasn't agreed with all of mine either.
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julieb
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Post by julieb on Apr 10, 2016 21:18:16 GMT
I'm not planning to start any drama and will not be rude to the girlfriend if she does come to games. I guess there are a few issues I have been mulling over--one is the idea of what I would do if one of my friends was "the other woman" or started an affair when they were married. I tend to have a hard time respecting someone that would do that but also know that I don't know the whole story (about this situation or any other potential situation). The way lesley describes her family members story is very romantic. But there is more to the backstory as well. People who may have been hurt, etc. I've also been wondering if, now that they are engaged, the girlfriend will be more visible with the husband, particularly at games. If that happens, hopefully there is no drama between the ex-wife and girlfriend. Seems like it would be awkward for both.
I would have a hard time. Cheaters on both ends have no moral compass. Get a divorce and then get it on.
What would be the reasoning for the girlfriend to go to the games other then to stick the relationship in the ex-wives nose? If she does show up I would have a hard time conversing with her for two reasons. One, for having an affair with a married man and two, because she is bringing the drama with her.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Apr 10, 2016 21:24:05 GMT
My mom left my dad for another man. Everyone knew my parents weren't happy. I think they should have been divorced years before they actually did. Meeting the other man was the catalyst for my mom to do what needed to be done and finally leave my dad. I was so indignant about it, I refused to have anything to do with him for 7 years. Eventually I accepted that he wasn't going away and I decided to accept him. What I have found is that he is a nice man. He treats my mother right. They are happy together.
I just decided one Christmas that I could no longer carry around the anger associated with the cheating and so I told her I would accept him. Then I went through my own divorce and you know, I realized that my marriage was over long before I actually ended it. I met my now DH four months after I left my husband and 3 months after he actually left his wife. And you know people asked us if we thought we had gotten involved too soon and the truth was, our marriages were over long before we actually left. We had already grieved and moved past them. It really gave me a new understanding of my mother's actions. Her marriage to my dad was also long over before the new man ever came around. So you know, I have learned through my own experience not to judge. Affairs are never the right thing to do. I really, truly believe that. But I also know that often times marriages go on longer than they should. And just because paperwork hasn't been filed yet, does not necessarily mean that the marriage is not over. I choose to accept that good people sometimes make bad choices. And I also know that sometimes people live with regret too. I choose to forgive. I choose to accept the people I love for the flawed humans that they are.
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Post by iamkristinl16 on Apr 10, 2016 21:25:15 GMT
I'm not planning to start any drama and will not be rude to the girlfriend if she does come to games. I guess there are a few issues I have been mulling over--one is the idea of what I would do if one of my friends was "the other woman" or started an affair when they were married. I tend to have a hard time respecting someone that would do that but also know that I don't know the whole story (about this situation or any other potential situation). The way lesley describes her family members story is very romantic. But there is more to the backstory as well. People who may have been hurt, etc. I've also been wondering if, now that they are engaged, the girlfriend will be more visible with the husband, particularly at games. If that happens, hopefully there is no drama between the ex-wife and girlfriend. Seems like it would be awkward for both.
I would have a hard time. Cheaters on both ends have no moral compass. Get a divorce and then get it on.
What would be the reasoning for the girlfriend to go to the games other then to stick the relationship in the ex-wives nose? If she does show up I would have a hard time conversing with her for two reasons. One, for having an affair with a married man and two, because she is bringing the drama with her.
Those are my thoughts as well but I'm not sure if is realistic to think she will never be at any events with him. So far he has always come to games (football, basketball) and concerts alone. He isn't the coach for this team anymore (he is the coach for one of their other boys, though--they have three and all are the same ages as our older three and all are friends). There are some other couples/parents on older sons team who have been friends with that couple for many years and there was tension between he and them last year, although nothing too dramatic. |
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Post by jackie on Apr 10, 2016 21:59:45 GMT
Cheating IS selfish and immoral, but I'm not perfect and I don't insist the people I care about are. I'm not trying to downplay the seriousness and awfulness of cheating, but I'm a pretty open and forgiving person. If it's someone I care a lot about, I'm not going to end the relationship. Plus, as others have said, we really don't know what goes on inside other people's marriages and relationships.
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Post by craftmepink on Apr 10, 2016 22:12:52 GMT
I was in this situation. My friend cheated on her husband for months and I had no idea. I would watch her two kids a couple of nights a week while she supposedly went to night school (her husband worked late nights), but she was really having an affair with her coworker during those nights. The affair eventually came out.
I could not stay friends with her. I guess every situation is different, but I would be weary and very cautious of anyone who would cheat on their spouse. |
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kate
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Post by kate on Apr 10, 2016 22:26:00 GMT
I know some couples who started off as affairs. The parents of my lifelong friend and the parents of one of my kids' friends started out that way (I may know more, but those are the ones who come to mind). The parents of my friend were married for 25-ish years before he passed away. The parents of my kid's friend (much younger than the first couple, obviously) have been married for 15+ years and have a beautiful family.
In both cases, I did not know them before these second marriages, so I can't tell you what they were like then. I strongly disagree that these people have "no moral compass." I do think that you should split up with your current partner if you're going to step out; while I think these people made a crummy choice in cheating, I don't think that makes them bad or amoral in all arenas of their life forever.
The former spouses have the right to be as angry as they want forever - no judgment from me.
It would be much harder for me if I had been friends with the original couples, I guess. I have another friend whose husband married and started a new family with his mistress. I have no use at all for him - he not only left my friend, but he also cut off his children from the first marriage and left the care of his aging parents to my friend.
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