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Post by chitchatgirl on Apr 15, 2016 15:33:18 GMT
So I'm going to try to explain this even though I haven't been able to explain it to anyone and get them to understand. I read once that writing your feelings down helps you process them. And I'm sure my rambling thoughts will get long...
I've always had problems with anxiety and depression since I was about 14. It runs in the family. A little over a year ago I experienced my worst episode by far after losing a family member. It was all I could do to get up and go to work. I just sort of stopped caring. I was hurting all the time, insomnia was in full force, and I was just not with it. Finally hit me one day what the problem was so I went to the doctor and had my meds changed again. I remember when the doctor walked in and asked me how I was doing. I said ok (because isn't that what you're supposed to say?). She said, "You don't look ok, which actually made me feel better because it was confirmation that something was wrong and this wasn't just "in my head" if that makes sense. Anyway, meds were changed and I got better. I thought.
Last thanksgiving, I found out my SIL is pregnant. You're supposed to be happy aren't you? Because I didn't feel it. In fact I really could have cared less (and honestly still do). I'm not trying to get pregnant and honestly can't make up my mind if I want kids or not. I was the last one told about this baby (I had already known because my mom has said something to me, so I know I was the last one when SIL actually told me and only because I asked her when everyone was referring to the baby). I then found out via facebook that it was a girl, which really made me feel really low on the totem pole, so to speak. Everytime I heard about something baby related, I found my self feeling more and more bitter and hatred flowing out. THIS IS NOT ME. But at the same time I couldn't stop it. I had to unfollow her posts on facebook because it upset me so much. I have caught myself several times wishing she wasn't pregnant. The closer her due date is, the less I want anything to do with anyone.
Work has gotten more stressful and demanding. Plus, my DH who is in a stressful job comes home to me and decompresses. Which I get and I never want him to think he can't tell me something. But the problem is that it stays with me and adds to the already dark cloud I'm in.
Last weekend, what little bit of caring and ability to power through was left in me came crashing down. I had a particularly stressful week, I was making myself get through the task of finishing my SIL baby shower presents, my husband was in a mood all week because of work, and my dog who is getting older was peeing inside. I cried myself to sleep that night, something I haven't done in years. I was still feeling down and not in the mood to care again. So much that my DH called my mom and asked her what he should do (he doesn't know that I know this). I finally tried to explain what's going on in my head. I don't think I did a good job of it. I tried explaining to my mom too because she has experienced depression. She and my husband are the only ones who know how hard my SIL pregnancy is for me. Tomorrow is her baby shower and while discussing on the phone what else was needed, I said I had a feeling that tomorrow will be an emotionally exhausting day. She said I needed to "not be so negative". SERIOUSLY? You're telling the person diagnosed with depression that basically if I be positive that I won't feel bad. Just last week I tried to tell them that I thought my meds weren't working anymore, so its not like this is news.
I'm getting the sense from my DH and my mom that they don't really understand whats going on with me. But to be fair, if I can't explain it, how can they understand it? Its maddening that part of my brain says this isn't me, but the other part takes over and has this overwhelming negative and angry thoughts come through. Part of me sometimes thinks it is all in my head and the medical person in me knows its not. I'm treating tomorrow's baby shower like I have for everything else lately with a "fake it 'till you make it" approach. Then I'm probably going to come home and collapse on my couch again. I've been trying to dig out of this and I feel like I really took a big dive in the last few weeks. And for the record suicide is not something I think about or consider. But I also feel like I have to really get back into the major depressive episode before I feel like anyone will finally realize I've been trying to tell them this stuff. And I'm sick of meds only working for a year before I have to up them or change them. I'm still young and I want to be better. This is not how I want my brain to be!
Anyway, thank you for getting through this. And if you have any tips for me to get through tomorrow's baby shower I'd appreciate it. I hope someone can understand this, because I realize it sounds selfish and I'm trying to do whatever I can to not feel like that. Or at the very least, not let anyone near me know I feel that way.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Apr 15, 2016 15:41:37 GMT
Hugs to you. Depression is really irrational, isn't it? You just never know when it might sneak up on you and it makes your thought process unclear too. I am bipolar so I understand quite a bit what you're going through. I also understand your frustration with meds too. It seems like 3 years is my magical time frame. I find the right medicine, it works for about 3 year, then stops working for me. Here's hoping you can find a new medicine that will help you before you go too low.
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Post by gar on Apr 15, 2016 15:42:00 GMT
Depression is an illness and you can't help it any more than someone can help having arthritis or I could help having post natal depression. How long since you saw the doctor? It sounds like you are really struggling...maybe your meds need adjustment?
You sound strong and determined - I'm sure you will get through the shower - if you really have to go?
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Post by scrapbookwriter on Apr 15, 2016 15:45:07 GMT
I am so sorry you are going through this. I'm glad you recognize it. That is half the battle. I think you should give your doctor a call right this very moment and tell him you need a med adjustment ASAP.
If you can't face the baby shower tomorrow, don't go! You can truthfully say you don't feel well. Send the gifts and your best wishes with your mom. It will be okay if you don't go.
Please call your doctor right away. (((Hugs)))
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ponsonby2
Shy Member
Posts: 40
Jul 2, 2014 0:39:22 GMT
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Post by ponsonby2 on Apr 15, 2016 15:52:41 GMT
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I agree that you need to see your Medical doctor about your meds soon, but you might also look into seeing a counselor. They are more familiar with depression and talking about your feelings with someone who can understand better than your DH or Mother might really help.
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Post by dewryce on Apr 15, 2016 15:53:52 GMT
First off, vent away and don't feel bad about it! It seems you have many stressors right now which are difficult enough without the added complication of depression. It's a good thing that you recognize this before you fall too deep, so that you can do something about it.
Have you considered making another doctor's appointment? It seems like your medication may need adjusting right now, let your doctor guide you. Please don't feel like you have to hit rock bottom before you seek professional help. You have nothing to prove! I understand exactly what you mean in that you felt validated that your doctor could tell you are not okay. Your family tries to understand, but as you said, it is difficult when you can't even explain it. It's enough that you recognize the signs, you know you best.
I say this very gently, have you considered that you may have unresolved issues about having a baby? That seems to be the major source of stress and pain for you right now. I've been there and it's awful, actually I'm still there. Do what you need to do regarding the baby shower. My family and close friends told me I didn't have to go but I really felt I needed to. And I did fake it until I made it. I kept myself busy helping to throw the shower, keep guests' drinks full, pick up trash, keep the food dishes full, etc. so that I didn't have to pay too much attention to what was really going on. And when it was over I cried in my husband's arms. Perhaps you can discuss this with your doctor and see if she has a recommendation for a counselor? It might help you to talk through your feelings.
Wishing you well!
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Post by rst on Apr 15, 2016 15:57:59 GMT
I'm sorry you're battling depression. It's a hard place to be. And it's a hard situation for the people who love you.
In reading your post, I hear a lot of mixed but strong feelings about your sister in law and her pregnancy. Much of what you are feeling is not socially acceptable, so you're trying to deny that you feel it, but honestly, you're probably not doing a very good job of it, hence you SIL telling you last. What if you were to write every unvarnished truth about your feelings, all the negative, jealous, hateful things that bubble under the surface. Write them in big thick black marker letters and look at them for 10 minutes. then burn it all. It's not a bad technique. You own and admit what you truly feel instead of insisting "that's not me", but then you take a purposeful action and choose to obliterate all those negative feelings and replace them with loving and positive actions.
Another thing that stood out to me in your post -- your relationship with your mom. I would make a guess that she's loving, cares a lot about you, worries about you, and you talk to her a fair amount. But there are some red flags in what I read. She tells you things to keep you in the loop (SIL pregnancy) but in so doing, she shapes your interactions with other people. She wants to help you, and I'd say that she does understand and read you quite accurately, ("stop being so negative") but she's not getting to be your mom when you turn her into your therapist. Can you consider finding a support group or a counselor to fill that role and let her just be your mom?
Before you decide that your med no longer works, what if you were to add one positive action to your life? Exercise, even just walking 20 minutes a day, is one of the most effective and do-able "therapies". Or indulge in a hobby that absorbs you. Or take to journal writing therapeutically. One of my techniques when facing something like the dread baby shower is to write out a list of "rules for myself" to deal with the anticipated issues or awkward moments. Or you can approach it as a way of decompressing afterward -- rather than bottle it all up, or venting to your DH or mom, get it all out on paper. Write it up as a serial drama. Or a sit-com. or both. Make a cartoon strip about the baby shower from hell. If nothing else, knowing that you will be documenting the whole thing in creative form will allow you to enjoy some of the more ludicrous moments and horrible comments as just more material for the screenplay.
I'm mom to someone who is profoundly depressed. I've experienced severe depression myself. I can't claim to know exactly what you feel, but I did read your post, and I feel for you. Obviously, if my comments are off target, please disregard and recognize that there is a disconnect when people are posting words on screens without a larger context. Be good to yourself and choose to do something different today.
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Post by miominmio on Apr 15, 2016 16:02:40 GMT
Depression is an illness....and we don't believe that telling someone who have amputated a leg that being positive will make their leg grow back, now do we? If tomorrow will be too stressful for you, maybe you could (very unfortunately) have a nasty stomach bug or something? Do whatever is best for YOU, this is not the time to try and please others! And call your doctor. Maybe you need other meds, or perhaps a psychologist?
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Post by chitchatgirl on Apr 15, 2016 16:13:03 GMT
I began looking into counselors earlier this week after this last little setback. I've been before and it helped, but it has been years since I've been. And I agree that it would be better to talk to a professional instead of trying to "make mom your therapist" because I hate that I put that weight on her shoulders. I figure counseling can help me figure out how I'm feeling about issues and how I can best handle them.
Yes. I do recognize that I do have unresolved issues about this. It is one of the reasons I began looking in to counseling. Because I need someone who can help me find the answer without judging me. Part of the stress stems from my DH's stress with work and part of it is my own indecision. The problem is that I can't tell if I'm really undecided because of the way the depression affects my thought. I'm very indecisive while in an episode.
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Mystie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,300
Jun 25, 2014 19:53:37 GMT
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Post by Mystie on Apr 15, 2016 16:35:05 GMT
You have all my sympathy. When you have chronic depression, sometimes a situation will just slam you in a way you didn't anticipate and weren't prepared for. I am dealing with the fallout from such a situation myself right now. I think the depression makes it harder to figure out what's "real" and what's depression when sorting out your emotions.
I'm curious about a couple of things, and you do not owe me any answers, don't worry about that. You say you are seeing a doctor--are you seeing a general practitioner or a psychiatrist? Do you have confidence in this doctor? Have you ever been to a therapist? I believe there are a lot of duds out there in the mental health field, but the right shrink and the right therapist could really be of help to you. Your husband and your mom love you and want what's best for you, but I don't think they can give you the support and the guidance that a good therapist could--nor should they, frankly.
Your meds may still be working, it could just be that these new situations are throwing you off. Again, I think that's something you really need to talk to your doctor about. Try to be patient with yourself and take care of yourself. I had to come to the realization--and it took me an amazingly long time!--that I am living with a chronic illness: depression and anxiety. That means I have to care for myself the same way a person with fibromyalgia or diabetes has to take care of herself. It stinks because you can never just brush your hands together and think, "Well, that's all taken care of, no need to worry about it anymore!" It will never be something you can just put behind you, you have to learn to live with it day by day.
That doesn't mean you can't enjoy your life, it just means you have to be aware of your health and learn how to protect it. If that means you stay home from the baby shower, so be it. I do hope you can find someone to talk to about these feelings you're having, though, because they sound very distressing and upsetting to you. That's a heavy burden to carry. Hang in there, you'll get through this and figure out how to help yourself get the help you need!
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TankTop
Pearl Clutcher
Refupea #1,871
Posts: 4,828
Location: On the couch...
Jun 28, 2014 1:52:46 GMT
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Post by TankTop on Apr 15, 2016 17:10:07 GMT
I am sorry. Have you reached out to your doctor?
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Post by ilikepink on Apr 15, 2016 17:41:28 GMT
I don't have anything more than the above to add- but hugs.
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Post by mikklynn on Apr 15, 2016 18:06:42 GMT
I'm sorry. For the baby shower, you'll just have to do your best.
Have you called your doctor/therapist? Please, please do so immediately.
Hugs...
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Post by Delta Dawn on Apr 15, 2016 18:28:26 GMT
I don't get how you are depressed because I don't get how I am depressed. Before my mom dying "what did I have to be depressed about"? I had a job I enjoyed, I had a wonderful child I adored, I had money, I had a decent car, we went on vacations...I mean life was good wasn't it? Explain how I can't get out of bed, take a shower, wash my hair, shave my legs or get dressed? I mean I can't move. Oh I was exercising myself to death and I still wasn't "happy". I know happy isn't the right word. Feeling normal maybe? So, yes, I think I get it. I hope things get better and you start to feel better soon.
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scrappert
Prolific Pea
RefuPea #2956
Posts: 7,956
Location: Milwaukee, WI area
Jul 11, 2014 21:20:09 GMT
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Post by scrappert on Apr 15, 2016 21:07:31 GMT
I have no advice. Just wanted to send good thoughts and prayers to you. Depression is a nasty thing and I hope you will start to feel normal again soon.
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Post by birukitty on Apr 15, 2016 21:57:19 GMT
I'm so sorry you're hurting. Remember depression is an illness, a physical illness just like cancer. It's a chemical imbalance in the brain-this is why the medication works. The medication works by re-balancing the chemicals. Which is a very tricky business. Now you wouldn't tell someone with cancer to "buck up and deal with it" or "if you were only stronger you'd be better" would you? Of course not! Well, the same holds true for depression. Because it is a true physical illness. You aren't ill with depression because you are weak, or anything like that. You are simply one of the millions of people who have it.
As far as the baby shower goes, honestly if it were me I would skip it. You are very ill, if you had the flu you wouldn't go, right? Well then, why put yourself through all of the stress just to make others happy? Stress puts even more of a negative impact on depression. Right now your main concern should be getting well, and the sicker you get the harder and longer it takes to get better.
I had a severe case of depression that lasted 10 years. It was diagnosed as "treatment resistant depression". My advice is to have a very good, qualified psychiatrist that is willing to listen to you and take your input seriously. If a medication's side effects are too much for you, you want a doctor who will listen to you and not one who says, "well dearie that's just too bad, you have to be a bit stronger and just deal with it". Know what I mean? There are good doctors and bad doctors out there. Not worth the time staying with the bad doctors. It is true that medications will work for a time and then simply stop working. That was the case for me many, many times. Just hang in there. That is when having a very good doctor really helps. Someone who really knows his way around the psych meds (this is where a psychiatrist is worth so much more over a GP) and knows which ones to add or subtract or combine together.
Also a good therapist is very important, especially since your depression was triggered from you losing a family member. The two together (meds and therapy) work equally to help you fight depression.
I wish the best for you and hope you feel better very soon. The way to health is in your hands. Don't worry about people around you right now (what they think), although I know that's hard to hear. Worry about you and fight for your health. Call your doctor ASAP and get an appointment. You need to see him/her and let them know how you are feeling. Be brutally honest. They can only help you if you are.
Explain to your family that you are sick, that you have depression but you are working with a doctor and hopefully will be better soon. Your mother should be able to understand given that she'd dealt with it before as you mentioned. As for that shower, it's up to you. But if people can't understand that you are ill and can't make it then they aren't very kind people in my eyes.
Debbie in MD.
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Post by peasapie on Apr 16, 2016 0:15:15 GMT
Sounds like you have a lot of stressors going on at one time and it's hard to sort them out.
I know you say you don't care about that pregnancy, but then again, you do seem to care by some other things you say. And isn't that ok? I mean, lots of people feel put off by friends or family being pregnant. It makes you have to think about what you really want, and that can be a scary thing. So personally, I think it's ok to just tell yourself that it has kind of put you off balance, and let yourself feel that.
I don't agree you need to get into a major depressive episode to be heard. See a therapist. Be heard. Then you can work on getting your husband to hear you, with your therapist's help. Hugs to you!
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Post by refugeepea on Apr 16, 2016 0:33:53 GMT
SERIOUSLY? You're telling the person diagnosed with depression that basically if I be positive that I won't feel bad. That's the worst. When someone says I make the choice to be happy and I am I don't understand how they make it work.
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Post by kernriver on Apr 16, 2016 1:16:15 GMT
I have depression but luckily meds work for me (for 20+years!). But I do know how it feels. Be kinder to yourself. If you dont want to go to the shower, then dont. Call in with a slight cold/fever/whatever and say you dont want to give it to the mother to be.
And why not try to figure out why you're really upset about SIL's pregnancy. You say you don't care one way or the other but then are upset when you're the last to know. Someone that really doesn't care wouldn't feel that way.
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M in Carolina
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,128
Jun 29, 2014 12:11:41 GMT
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Post by M in Carolina on Apr 16, 2016 1:20:26 GMT
Oh, hon, I totally understand. I just wrote out my suicidal story on the I need good thoughts (murder related) thread because I thought it might help the pea and her sister. There is a lot of stigma about depression and mental illness. That itself hurts. It's frustrating to know that there's something wrong with you and a doctor doesn't believe you. I've been there, I have MS. Depression is bad enough without something traumatic happening like a death or a spouse's work problems and having to pick them up, too. I totally understand the pregnancy thing. I was told at 17 I couldn't have children because of my heart. I didn't really WANT kids. My mom was incredibly abusive--stuff that is shown in TV shows as torture--like paddling feet--was just a normal Thursday for me. Add to that all the pressure of "you need to forgive your mom and have a GOOD relationship with her" (imagine the black thoughts about that one... ) My dh knew I wouldn't have kids. I had a few doctors that didn't believe that. I maybe thought I might be able to, although I didn't really want to--although I'd hold a baby and feel that baby love creep in--so I'd shut that down fast. Nope. I don't hold babies. Nope.nope.nope. Friends had babies, I was cheery. I wasn't depressed yet. Then my pain got bad--Fibromyalgia they said.(another it's all in your head) Then other stuff--serious. Still the pressure to have kids. (My family is Fundamental Christian, and women don't not have kids--we're not the Duggars, but I was getting pushback.) My pain got so bad I have depression from that. I'm adopted and know a bit about my bio mother, and I heard she had depression or mental illness. She did have multiple boyfriends and never really got over giving me up. (My dad and his family were from the same small town. I do wonder if there was sexual abuse from what I know of her story--like a church kid in Sunday School all the time getting pregnant at 15--wanna talk about stigma--she tried to abort me with prescription drugs she was so scared, a tortured soul--hello health problems) So I dealt with pain until I found a good doctor who saw what was going on and got me help. I was doing ok and then my dad died unexpectedly. BAM. Deep, deep, depression for almost 3 years. Then my MS got a lot worse quickly. --thus the suicidal story My doctor told me to go see a grief counselor after my dad died. She saved my life. I could deal with the pain and my crazy ass mother trying to tell me to just get over it. She would take me to the grief counselor and tried to be "supportive" --but once I'd get back in the car, she'd wanna know if I talked about her. Yeah, she likes to pretend that we had a storybook childhood and she wasn't abusive. It was up or down--no idea who you'd get. I have an amazing sense of humour--I can make anybody laugh. It was a defense mechanism. My grandpa was also seriously ill--and he used humour, and I wanted to be just like him. So I'm going to the grief counselor/psychologist person. Not talking about the abuse--scared to death she'll want to talk to my mom. Could.not.deal.with.that. Then my mom freaks out on me and leaves me in the parking lot of a doctor's office 40 miles from home with no way home one one of the worst days I ever had. She didn't wanna go, but my dh absolutely couldn't take me, and I couldn't walk from the MS so I couldn't drive. I lost.my.shit.on.her. Screaming like a crazy woman in the parking lot. I said the F word so many times--I don't say that word. I was out of my mind angry. All her ignoring and never saying she's sorry and pushing me to be perfect when she's so bad. The doctor's office was a new doctor I needed to say I didn't have addiction issues so I could go to this pain doctor--has to be done every year, and my psychologist wouldn't fill out the form. The receptionist raised an eyebrow. I'm like, bitch, she abused me in ways you've never heard of, so step.OFF. She changed her tune and was really nice and let me use her phone to call my dh. One guy tried to shame me, but I'm like you don't know my momma. The doctor was awesome. Totally understood. He did tell me it *might* help if I didn't see my momma for a while. We didn't speak for 7 months. My mom has this friend--she's like my adopted sister-- who knows about the abuse, but she still pressures me that my mom LOVES me. Duh. She still drives me nuts and is driving me certifiable. My mom had surgery, and acted like nothing.happened. So I helped my mom because my friend needed me to help her with my mom. My mom was driving me nuts right before the suicidal episode (I was going to shoot myself, but my dh is taller, has longer legs, and beat me to the gun--thank God) Gun's locked up, I don't have the key. I don't see her when I can't deal with her. She knows I'm sick. The driving nuts part was she was guilt tripping me about feeling bad. She didn't call the week I was in the psych hospital and didn't say anything when I told her where I'd been. Ok. So she's not helping. I do know how to deal with her better. I have people to talk to and doctors that help. It really does help to have doctors that believe you. I've had many that didn't--and that can be bad enough even before you have depression. The MS doctor I went to said nothing could be done. Gee, thanks. Like having depression, losing my mom, and not being able to walk but not being able to do anything is gonna make me go out and find another doctor to go through that with... I wish I could take doctors like that and shake them till their teeth rattled.
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zella
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,884
Jul 7, 2014 19:36:30 GMT
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Post by zella on Apr 16, 2016 2:06:11 GMT
I understand. Completely. I think I expressed something to my therapist recently, some negative thoughts I was having about something that would normally be a good thing, and like you, said, "that's not me!" Also like you, my meds keep on failing me. Either they don't work or they give me side effects that are intolerable. I thought this new one was working great, but now I feel the depression again, like a dark cloud. Go see your doctor again. Change up your meds. Maybe you need to be on more than one. Can you get counseling? We are paying out of pocket for my counselor, but I swear I don't know how I'd function if I didn't have her right now. Having someone to talk to who DOES get it, and who absolutely will not judge you, is hugely helpful.
I hope you will do these things. And though I know it feels so lonely, there are many of us who share your experiences and your pain. Hugs.
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Post by birukitty on Apr 16, 2016 21:48:56 GMT
When I said, "just hang in there" in my post above I meant do not give up. Keep looking for the right doctor-a good psychiatrist. That it is imperative to fine a good one and not waste your time sticking with a bad one. I didn't mean it in a flippant way. Just wanted to clear that up.
Debbie in MD.
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Post by birukitty on Apr 16, 2016 22:06:02 GMT
M in Carolina-My heart is breaking for you. I want to take you in my arms and hug you so hard. Have you thought (and I am not your therapist) about removing your mother from your life for your own mental health and well being? I think if it were me (and I was blessed with an incredible loving father and a loving mother who was only verbally abusive) I'd think about doing that. When I was growing up I could never do anything that was good enough for my mother. She called us "you damn shit kids" and all sorts of things and let us know that we were the things that held her back from living the life she truly wanted. Emotional wounds dig deep.
But we (I'm the eldest of 4) were very lucky in that our father was the exact opposite. While he didn't express his love verbally (he was born in 1939 and men just didn't do that back then, at least the way he was raised) we knew it in how we were treated by him. He took care to spend special time with each of us even though he worked almost constantly. Taking us each on hikes in the Shenandoah Valley, teaching us skills, taking us to classical concerts, and all sorts of things. I'm still very close to my father, and my mother and I are in a good relationship because she really doesn't see what she did was wrong. To her it was normal. She was brought up by an extremely abusive single mother. I've forgiven her. I think if I didn't have my father in my life I wouldn't have been able to do that.
But that doesn't mean you have to forgive yours-our situations are completely different! Has your therapist suggested removing your mother from yourself (not seeing her or being in touch with her) might be good for you? It's a huge step.
I'm sure the stress of what she puts you through isn't good for your depression or your MS. I'm so sorry to hear about your suicide attempt but am so grateful to your husband for stopping you. I can't imagine the pain and suffering you must be in to consider that as a solution. Selfishly I'm so glad you are still here with us.
As I told our OP sometimes you have to do what is best for you in these situations. Think about yourself, and about your health-what you need to feel better. If that means removing your mother from your life for awhile maybe that's best. Of course talk this over with your therapist because I'm certainly not one and I hope I'm not overstepping my bounds. I just see someone in pain and I'm a person that likes to help people. I hope you feel better soon. Huge hugs coming your way!
Debbie in MD.
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M in Carolina
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,128
Jun 29, 2014 12:11:41 GMT
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Post by M in Carolina on Apr 17, 2016 2:07:08 GMT
M in Carolina-My heart is breaking for you. I want to take you in my arms and hug you so hard. Have you thought (and I am not your therapist) about removing your mother from your life for your own mental health and well being? I think if it were me (and I was blessed with an incredible loving father and a loving mother who was only verbally abusive) I'd think about doing that. When I was growing up I could never do anything that was good enough for my mother. She called us "you damn shit kids" and all sorts of things and let us know that we were the things that held her back from living the life she truly wanted. Emotional wounds dig deep. But we (I'm the eldest of 4) were very lucky in that our father was the exact opposite. While he didn't express his love verbally (he was born in 1939 and men just didn't do that back then, at least the way he was raised) we knew it in how we were treated by him. He took care to spend special time with each of us even though he worked almost constantly. Taking us each on hikes in the Shenandoah Valley, teaching us skills, taking us to classical concerts, and all sorts of things. I'm still very close to my father, and my mother and I are in a good relationship because she really doesn't see what she did was wrong. To her it was normal. She was brought up by an extremely abusive single mother. I've forgiven her. I think if I didn't have my father in my life I wouldn't have been able to do that. But that doesn't mean you have to forgive yours-our situations are completely different! Has your therapist suggested removing your mother from yourself (not seeing her or being in touch with her) might be good for you? It's a huge step. I'm sure the stress of what she puts you through isn't good for your depression or your MS. I'm so sorry to hear about your suicide attempt but am so grateful to your husband for stopping you. I can't imagine the pain and suffering you must be in to consider that as a solution. Selfishly I'm so glad you are still here with us. As I told our OP sometimes you have to do what is best for you in these situations. Think about yourself, and about your health-what you need to feel better. If that means removing your mother from your life for awhile maybe that's best. Of course talk this over with your therapist because I'm certainly not one and I hope I'm not overstepping my bounds. I just see someone in pain and I'm a person that likes to help people. I hope you feel better soon. Huge hugs coming your way! Debbie in MD. Thanks, birukitty. This means so much to me. I've learned how to put on enough armour that my mom doesn't bother me. I also think that her friend has encouraged her to be nicer to me. I probably would have just stayed away for good, but sometimes I need her because my dh can't always get away from work to take me to doctor's appointments, etc. or doesn't feel good, and I hate him feeling like he has to run errands that my mom would be fine to do--she likes for us to go out for lunch and shopping. She refuses to come to my house. Well, she did before Christmas to make me a wreath for my front door, but that's the only time she's just come to my house when she wasn't just coming to pick me up and drop me off. I really, really feel horrible that I almost killed myself and would have put my amazing husband in the dark pit I've been in. He just turned 39, and I would really like for him to get married and have kids if something happened to him and use my life insurance money to take flying lessons or do something fun. It would be hard for him, but he's a great guy and could find a great girl. I could die at any time because of my heart and liver. I just didn't want to hurt myself, but it's just so frustrating to not be able to do anything other than watch tv, read, and get on the internet. When I was suicidal, I was taking twice the recommended amount of my SSRI to get it to work. I was also on a med for my MS that my psychiatrist gave me which was hurting more than helping. My mom took me out for my birthday a few weeks late because I had felt too bad to go out. I couldn't walk, and she berated me for "ruining" our day because I felt so bad. Then dh was upset because I was upset that his brother was treating him like shit and told him that. I just got tired of 20 years of that. BIL/SIL want everyone to think they're the perfect pastor and wife. They can't figure out why nobody goes to their church. They live in a very poor suburb of Detroit right on the line, and the people aren't very educated. BIL/SIL can't relate to them and condescend to them. It's horrible. My SIL doesn't have a sincere bone in her body, but she thinks she's perfect and likes to try to make me feel horrible. She rubbed having kids in my face. So I just got to the point I just snapped and couldn't take it anymore. I feel like I'm ruining my dh's life. He got so upset he just went up and wailed when the EMS/police were here. I felt horrible. The snap was over in a few minutes, and I felt so bad. Then I was so embarrassed I just wanted to die. The EMS and police were so sympathetic and understood--they didn't try to tell me that my problems were solvable. One girl at the hospital tried to guilt me, but I just ignored him. The psychologist and his students did understand and told me that the meds he was putting me on would help my MS. Before I kept having spinal headaches and couldn't even sit up to get on the computer, watch TV or read. When my back isn't hurting, my abdomen is because of the chronic pancreatitis. I can't eat much--if I eat when I feel bad, I get nauseated, my upper abdomen swells which makes the muscles spasm because of the MS. Sometimes I vomit. I have to keep ziploc bags in the car, my purse, and a bucket by my chair because I just vomit out of the blue. Then sometimes I get nauseated and feel like I'm going to vomit but can't--that feeling of if you vomited you'd feel better, but I can't. I also can't help my dh who has chronic pain and has days he can't walk. So I can't help him. It really sucks. Then people are condescending and think I shouldn't take pain meds. My inlaws pressure us to go to church, but when? We can barely get out to get our prescriptions and food. They try to make me feel bad because I don't care about going to church--the churches made me feel bad because I had depression and psych meds--all problems are "spiritual" and if you were right with God all this stuff wouldn't happen. Remember Job? Then there's the people who think my problems are entertainment and ask questions and act like they'll help me, but they just want to feel better about themselves. The meds do help me feel like I can deal with this. When dh and I move to Boston--we're using our tax return to pay for a full service mover because we can't possibly pack up and do this ourselves. My mom can't do it even if she wanted to because she has severe osteoporosis. Massachusetts allows medical marijuana and I've had doctors and other patients tell me it would really help--I could take oils, etc. that would help my muscles, some to help the nausea and some to make me not care what is going on. I used to be on Marinol, the nausea med, but my pain doctor made me stop because I'd test positive and could smoke marijuana--not that I'd buy it illegally. I don't want to have anything to do with the Mexican cartels or have some dealer in my life. Distance would also help my relationship with my mom. She wasn't happy at first, but when I told her about the MS clinic that the U of Mass has (they recommend medical marijuana amongst other stuff) Dh's best friend growing up (he was best man at our wedding) lives in Finland and has MS. He works at the hockey training camp that the pros go to off season. He's still skating and playing hockey because the Finnish health system is amazing. He pays $300 a year for everything. They believe in trying the cutting edge meds first instead of trying everything else. I can't even stand the short term steroids for an allergic reaction. I wouldn't be able to do the long term that doctors try first, and mexotrexate sounds horrible too. My MIL took long term steroids and has a lot of damage from it. She says she thinks that taking them would be the worst thing for me. I'm already at a high risk for osteoporosis because I'm post menopausal and can't take hormones. I also have an 80% risk of getting cancer because of the DES my bio mother took to try to abort me--that's the reason my health is so horrible. My dh did agree when I was in the psych hospital that if I did get cancer he wouldn't make me try all the nasty chemo and stuff if I had no quality of life. At least he understands because of his health problems how bad it feels to feel horrible. My best friend (maid of honour) has debilitating migraines, and her husband doesn't understand. I do have a lot of blessings. My dad was amazing. He worked all the time, too, but he always had time for me and let me learn to fly, hang out with him, surprised me with a mustang convertible, and was so supportive. I've had a good life, and I've survived over 10 years with pancreatitis which is fairly uncommon. My dh is awesome and so much fun. He just surprised me with a new iPad because mine was not working for what I needed it for--I needed more memory. He also set up this really awesome home theatre so we can watch movies at home like at the theatre. He finds great deals, and he even set up a smaller home theatre in our bedroom when he upgraded ours main ones so I can watch TV upstairs when I don't feel like sitting on the sofa. He used our first big tax refund after moving to buy me the tempurpedic adjustable bed so I could sleep better and sit up to do everything I could on the sofa. At the time I couldn't walk and would fall, and he hated that I couldn't move off the sofa and would have to crawl to the bathroom and back. He never complains. I know you've had a lot of health problems too, and it really helps that somebody understands and doesn't think that I'm some freak just making stuff up to get attention. It really sucks to have people act like I'm some rare medical oddity--especially doctors. I do hear, wow, I thought you'd be a lot sicker than you look. Ok...I thought you'd have a clue about how to talk to a patient.I don't really care if someone thinks I'm a hypochondriac. Karma's a bitch. My SIL just got so ill she couldn't do anything, and her dear husband freaked out. It sounded like she had Epstein-Barr, but she'd never listen to me about getting tested. I do feel bad for her kids, but I'm having a hard time being sympathetic about her. I think I remember that you were really sick and am now better, but I could be confusing you with someone else. I do know that there are other really sick peas. It's no skin off my teeth to tell strangers what's happened to me, but I've been told it helps people who feel like they're the only ones that feel like nobody understands or believes them. I don't get what's the big deal about believing somebody. I'm not asking for money or anything--I'm not scamming anyone. Oh, well, it says more about them than me. If you ever need somebody that understands and can sympathize and listen, I'm here. That goes for anyone.
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M in Carolina
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,128
Jun 29, 2014 12:11:41 GMT
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Post by M in Carolina on Apr 17, 2016 2:15:47 GMT
I understand. Completely. I think I expressed something to my therapist recently, some negative thoughts I was having about something that would normally be a good thing, and like you, said, "that's not me!" Also like you, my meds keep on failing me. Either they don't work or they give me side effects that are intolerable. I thought this new one was working great, but now I feel the depression again, like a dark cloud. Go see your doctor again. Change up your meds. Maybe you need to be on more than one. Can you get counseling? We are paying out of pocket for my counselor, but I swear I don't know how I'd function if I didn't have her right now. Having someone to talk to who DOES get it, and who absolutely will not judge you, is hugely helpful. I hope you will do these things. And though I know it feels so lonely, there are many of us who share your experiences and your pain. Hugs. zella I'm so sorry. I think about you often and pray for you--I hope praying for you is ok--I don't want you to think I'm pushing my beliefs on you. I hate that. Has your psychiatrist done the genetic test to determine what meds will work best for you? I did that a few years ago, and it really helped. My depression was bad at the time--my dad had just died, and my meds weren't working at all. The side effects were horrible. The test isn't expensive--less than $100 even without insurance. My psych nurse told me that because many insurances don't cover it. It was so wonderful to finally take a drug that helped. I felt so much better so quickly. I no longer just spent all day crying and feeling so bad that I thought my heart would explode. I really thought I had broken heart syndrome, and I didn't care. I knew my dad wouldn't want me to feel that way, but I just couldn't drag myself out of that pit. My mom was such a bitch which made it worse. My MIL did help me a lot. I hope you find meds that help you, and you feel better. It sucks that you also feel so guilty for feeling so bad--like that helps. People act like you're crazy and tell you to just get over it. My mom actually told me that she had decided after her dad died that she would never love anyone that much again. Jee, thanks. Explains a lot though. I don't regret for a second how much I loved my dad. I understand how much you loved your sister and how much it hurts that's she's not here. It hurts to wake up in the morning and not remember for a few minutes that they're gone. It hurts when people act like nothing happened to you. It does get better. You will get through this. (((hugs)))
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Sept 30, 2024 12:34:11 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 17, 2016 2:54:38 GMT
Big hugs to everyone on this thread! Depression is exhausting at times. OP, I can relate to how you are feeling with your sister in law. My cousin who is like my brother has two kids. I know that I do want kids but with all my health issues I can't even really date right now. The pain of that has eased a bit with time. I hope you find a peaceful place. I would skip the shower if you know it will trigger you.
Some things that help me when I am in the pit of depression is getting sunlight, watching a funny comedy, listening to uplifting music or reading a book. Exercise helps too but I realize that sometimes it's impossible to even get out of bed.
Counseling is essential. I am learning some grounding techniques. You can look on YouTube for progressive muscle relaxation. I have a friend who has his PhD in Psychology and he told me about progressive muscle relaxation. It helps when I have panic attacks. Also learning mindfulness.
I hope the depression eases and the sun breaks through soon!
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Post by birukitty on Apr 18, 2016 4:33:15 GMT
M in Carolina-My heart is breaking for you. I want to take you in my arms and hug you so hard. Have you thought (and I am not your therapist) about removing your mother from your life for your own mental health and well being? I think if it were me (and I was blessed with an incredible loving father and a loving mother who was only verbally abusive) I'd think about doing that. When I was growing up I could never do anything that was good enough for my mother. She called us "you damn shit kids" and all sorts of things and let us know that we were the things that held her back from living the life she truly wanted. Emotional wounds dig deep. But we (I'm the eldest of 4) were very lucky in that our father was the exact opposite. While he didn't express his love verbally (he was born in 1939 and men just didn't do that back then, at least the way he was raised) we knew it in how we were treated by him. He took care to spend special time with each of us even though he worked almost constantly. Taking us each on hikes in the Shenandoah Valley, teaching us skills, taking us to classical concerts, and all sorts of things. I'm still very close to my father, and my mother and I are in a good relationship because she really doesn't see what she did was wrong. To her it was normal. She was brought up by an extremely abusive single mother. I've forgiven her. I think if I didn't have my father in my life I wouldn't have been able to do that. But that doesn't mean you have to forgive yours-our situations are completely different! Has your therapist suggested removing your mother from yourself (not seeing her or being in touch with her) might be good for you? It's a huge step. I'm sure the stress of what she puts you through isn't good for your depression or your MS. I'm so sorry to hear about your suicide attempt but am so grateful to your husband for stopping you. I can't imagine the pain and suffering you must be in to consider that as a solution. Selfishly I'm so glad you are still here with us. As I told our OP sometimes you have to do what is best for you in these situations. Think about yourself, and about your health-what you need to feel better. If that means removing your mother from your life for awhile maybe that's best. Of course talk this over with your therapist because I'm certainly not one and I hope I'm not overstepping my bounds. I just see someone in pain and I'm a person that likes to help people. I hope you feel better soon. Huge hugs coming your way! Debbie in MD. Thanks, birukitty . This means so much to me. I've learned how to put on enough armour that my mom doesn't bother me. I also think that her friend has encouraged her to be nicer to me. I probably would have just stayed away for good, but sometimes I need her because my dh can't always get away from work to take me to doctor's appointments, etc. or doesn't feel good, and I hate him feeling like he has to run errands that my mom would be fine to do--she likes for us to go out for lunch and shopping. She refuses to come to my house. Well, she did before Christmas to make me a wreath for my front door, but that's the only time she's just come to my house when she wasn't just coming to pick me up and drop me off. I really, really feel horrible that I almost killed myself and would have put my amazing husband in the dark pit I've been in. He just turned 39, and I would really like for him to get married and have kids if something happened to him and use my life insurance money to take flying lessons or do something fun. It would be hard for him, but he's a great guy and could find a great girl. I could die at any time because of my heart and liver. I just didn't want to hurt myself, but it's just so frustrating to not be able to do anything other than watch tv, read, and get on the internet. When I was suicidal, I was taking twice the recommended amount of my SSRI to get it to work. I was also on a med for my MS that my psychiatrist gave me which was hurting more than helping. My mom took me out for my birthday a few weeks late because I had felt too bad to go out. I couldn't walk, and she berated me for "ruining" our day because I felt so bad. Then dh was upset because I was upset that his brother was treating him like shit and told him that. I just got tired of 20 years of that. BIL/SIL want everyone to think they're the perfect pastor and wife. They can't figure out why nobody goes to their church. They live in a very poor suburb of Detroit right on the line, and the people aren't very educated. BIL/SIL can't relate to them and condescend to them. It's horrible. My SIL doesn't have a sincere bone in her body, but she thinks she's perfect and likes to try to make me feel horrible. She rubbed having kids in my face. So I just got to the point I just snapped and couldn't take it anymore. I feel like I'm ruining my dh's life. He got so upset he just went up and wailed when the EMS/police were here. I felt horrible. The snap was over in a few minutes, and I felt so bad. Then I was so embarrassed I just wanted to die. The EMS and police were so sympathetic and understood--they didn't try to tell me that my problems were solvable. One girl at the hospital tried to guilt me, but I just ignored him. The psychologist and his students did understand and told me that the meds he was putting me on would help my MS. Before I kept having spinal headaches and couldn't even sit up to get on the computer, watch TV or read. When my back isn't hurting, my abdomen is because of the chronic pancreatitis. I can't eat much--if I eat when I feel bad, I get nauseated, my upper abdomen swells which makes the muscles spasm because of the MS. Sometimes I vomit. I have to keep ziploc bags in the car, my purse, and a bucket by my chair because I just vomit out of the blue. Then sometimes I get nauseated and feel like I'm going to vomit but can't--that feeling of if you vomited you'd feel better, but I can't. I also can't help my dh who has chronic pain and has days he can't walk. So I can't help him. It really sucks. Then people are condescending and think I shouldn't take pain meds. My inlaws pressure us to go to church, but when? We can barely get out to get our prescriptions and food. They try to make me feel bad because I don't care about going to church--the churches made me feel bad because I had depression and psych meds--all problems are "spiritual" and if you were right with God all this stuff wouldn't happen. Remember Job? Then there's the people who think my problems are entertainment and ask questions and act like they'll help me, but they just want to feel better about themselves. The meds do help me feel like I can deal with this. When dh and I move to Boston--we're using our tax return to pay for a full service mover because we can't possibly pack up and do this ourselves. My mom can't do it even if she wanted to because she has severe osteoporosis. Massachusetts allows medical marijuana and I've had doctors and other patients tell me it would really help--I could take oils, etc. that would help my muscles, some to help the nausea and some to make me not care what is going on. I used to be on Marinol, the nausea med, but my pain doctor made me stop because I'd test positive and could smoke marijuana--not that I'd buy it illegally. I don't want to have anything to do with the Mexican cartels or have some dealer in my life. Distance would also help my relationship with my mom. She wasn't happy at first, but when I told her about the MS clinic that the U of Mass has (they recommend medical marijuana amongst other stuff) Dh's best friend growing up (he was best man at our wedding) lives in Finland and has MS. He works at the hockey training camp that the pros go to off season. He's still skating and playing hockey because the Finnish health system is amazing. He pays $300 a year for everything. They believe in trying the cutting edge meds first instead of trying everything else. I can't even stand the short term steroids for an allergic reaction. I wouldn't be able to do the long term that doctors try first, and mexotrexate sounds horrible too. My MIL took long term steroids and has a lot of damage from it. She says she thinks that taking them would be the worst thing for me. I'm already at a high risk for osteoporosis because I'm post menopausal and can't take hormones. I also have an 80% risk of getting cancer because of the DES my bio mother took to try to abort me--that's the reason my health is so horrible. My dh did agree when I was in the psych hospital that if I did get cancer he wouldn't make me try all the nasty chemo and stuff if I had no quality of life. At least he understands because of his health problems how bad it feels to feel horrible. My best friend (maid of honour) has debilitating migraines, and her husband doesn't understand. I do have a lot of blessings. My dad was amazing. He worked all the time, too, but he always had time for me and let me learn to fly, hang out with him, surprised me with a mustang convertible, and was so supportive. I've had a good life, and I've survived over 10 years with pancreatitis which is fairly uncommon. My dh is awesome and so much fun. He just surprised me with a new iPad because mine was not working for what I needed it for--I needed more memory. He also set up this really awesome home theatre so we can watch movies at home like at the theatre. He finds great deals, and he even set up a smaller home theatre in our bedroom when he upgraded ours main ones so I can watch TV upstairs when I don't feel like sitting on the sofa. He used our first big tax refund after moving to buy me the tempurpedic adjustable bed so I could sleep better and sit up to do everything I could on the sofa. At the time I couldn't walk and would fall, and he hated that I couldn't move off the sofa and would have to crawl to the bathroom and back. He never complains. I know you've had a lot of health problems too, and it really helps that somebody understands and doesn't think that I'm some freak just making stuff up to get attention. It really sucks to have people act like I'm some rare medical oddity--especially doctors. I do hear, wow, I thought you'd be a lot sicker than you look. Ok...I thought you'd have a clue about how to talk to a patient.I don't really care if someone thinks I'm a hypochondriac. Karma's a bitch. My SIL just got so ill she couldn't do anything, and her dear husband freaked out. It sounded like she had Epstein-Barr, but she'd never listen to me about getting tested. I do feel bad for her kids, but I'm having a hard time being sympathetic about her. I think I remember that you were really sick and am now better, but I could be confusing you with someone else. I do know that there are other really sick peas. It's no skin off my teeth to tell strangers what's happened to me, but I've been told it helps people who feel like they're the only ones that feel like nobody understands or believes them. I don't get what's the big deal about believing somebody. I'm not asking for money or anything--I'm not scamming anyone. Oh, well, it says more about them than me. If you ever need somebody that understands and can sympathize and listen, I'm here. That goes for anyone. Now I want to hug you even harder. I had no idea you had so many health problems, all that and with an abusive mother. I am so glad to hear that your husband is amazing and a true sweetheart to you. And that you too had a wonderful father. I do believe every word you say, why wouldn't I? I only wish I could do more to help you, but what I can do is pray for you. I will do that with all of my heart. I am a Pea that was sick for a very long time. I'm not sure if you are remembering me as a particular one or not. I had severe clinical depression that was diagnosed as "treatment resistant depression" for 10 years. I had a few different psychiatrists (2 to 3) as I remember and went through many different medications and combinations of medications. Some would work for awhile, but not for long and then another would be added, one would be dropped and a new one would be tried. In 2008 it was decided that there were no more medications to try, we had tried them all and nothing was helping. At this point I was at a catatonic state. I wasn't sad. I didn't feel anything. I was numb. I'd retreated within myself. I knew where I was and I wanted it-this painful non-existence to stop. I was exhausted all of the time, to the point that taking a shower was a major undertaking. All of this time no one understood how badly I felt except my husband. He was there for me through everything. I feel very blessed to have him. My father knew I was sick, but didn't really understand the extent of it, because you can't really "see" depression. He knew from my facial expressions that something was very off, but like most people I tried to put on a fake "I'm okay" face whenever my parents were around. DH knew me inside and out, and knew how I was suffering. In 2008 my doctor decided there was nothing left to try but ECT-electric shock therapy. My sister (who is highly intelligent and would have been a doctor had her life taken a different course) tried to talk me out of it. But I was so sick and all I saw was a chance to get well. I believed the doctors when they said I might lose a tiny bit of my short term memory but it'd probably come back. I went through 20 treatments of ECT as an out patient. I realized that they only helped (I only felt better for 2-3 days after each one) and then I felt just as bad again. Worse I realized I was losing my memory more and more and when I did I put my foot down after the 20th treatment and told them No More! At this point I've lost more than 50% of my long term memory and have ongoing problems with my short term memory. I have brain damage from the ECT treatments. I believe they are extremely harmful and I've heard from and come across many patients like myself. What healed me I believe is two fold. My Integrative Medicine doctor had recently tested my blood and discovered I had a genetic defect called MTHFR like my sister. We inherited it from our grandmother. One thing this defect does is inhibit the ability of the body to process B12 from normal sources. No B12 over time results in depression amongst other things. My Intergrative doctor prescribed the correct form of daily B12 for me to take-while most people need 10 micrograms of B12, I need 1000 micrograms of B12 daily. At the same time my mother who is Russian Orthodox had been praying daily to a Saint who's name is Saint John of Shanghai and San Francisco. I didn't know about this but one day all of a sudden like a switch had been turned I was healed. Sick one day, cured the next. I can't remember when I started taking the new B12 supplement and that is something I'm going to ask my Integrative Medicine doctor next time I see him. I'm also going to check the date I told my psychiatrist this story about being healed. I'm wondering how they correlate. Anyway, I called my Mom and told her my news and she said, "Wonderful! I've been praying for you. And told me all about how she'd been praying to this Saint. How there is a special parish in San Francisco that he was part of and how she'd been in touch with a lady who worked there. This woman had sent her a special icon and that's what she'd been using in her prayers. This Saint was knowing for healing people. I'm not Russian Orthodox. My Mother's not Russian, she's German. But she feels at home at this church so she joined a few years ago. I joined the Catholic church 2002 because that's what felt like home to me. Being raised by a Catholic mother and a Baptist raised father meant that they decided their children would pick their own religions growing up. My father and sister are Lutherns. My son is an Atheist. DH doesn't have a declared religion but believes in God. So getting back to my healing, what was it that healed me? I do believe in miracles. I believe it was a combination of both. But it will be interesting to find out about the timeline of dates. What is keeping me healed now is the B12. Getting back to you I think moving to Boston is an excellent idea. I love Boston. Just got back from a trip to there. It's a great city. I've heard great things about medical marijuana so I don't blame you for moving to where you can have access to that and any other medications that can help you. As far as your BIL and SIL-I know people like that. I think that in life you get back what you put out there. If you put kindness, mercy and love out that's what you get back. It sounds like that is not what your BIL and SIL are doing, so that is not what they are getting in return. And then they wonder why people aren't coming to their church. One of my sisters is like that. She is a taker, takes what she can get from people, from everyone she can and then wonders why she doesn't have any true friends. Those types of people are poisonous in my eyes and it took me a long time to figure out that the best thing I could do for myself was just keep my distance from my sister. She does it to my parents all of the time, especially to my father-takes and takes. Because he is very soft hearted like I am and has a hard time telling her no-She is a master manipulator. She used to do it to me to, until one time we were helping her move out of her house and she stood there ordering us around like servants while we were carrying around heavy boxes and the reality of it hit me and I dropped the box I was holding and said out loud, "Fuck this! You can move your own shit from now on" and stormed right out of her house. Now you have to know me. I never cuss in front of my father and he was standing right behind me holding a box of her things. I think her mouth was so far open it hit the floor. But she didn't ask me to do another thing for her for months after that and I didn't. I still don't. Our relationship is entirely different. It's like acquaintances, and it has to be for now because she is still treating our father like her personal unpaid assistant. Until that stops I don't respect her. Moving to Boston will put some distance between you and these (is it okay if I say it?) stressors in your life that are family that you don't need around you right now. Toxic people that you are related to. Another thing to remember is you are not ruining your DH's life. Be honest and talk things out with him. Let him know how you feel about this. If the situation were reversed wouldn't you be there for him? Would you feel like he was ruining your life? Of course not. That's what marriage is. Through sickness and health and all of that. Those words are in the vows for a reason. Please know you can Pmail me at any time. I'm here. I'm here to talk to anyone who wants to about depression. Because I've been there. I've been in that deep, dark hole for a long time. Take care and I hope you feel better soon. Think about Boston and know that there is some hope on the horizon. I'm so happy you have that to look forward to M in Carolina. I'll be praying for you. Debbie in MD.
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Post by birukitty on Apr 18, 2016 4:37:50 GMT
PS. I have two different sisters. One is the intelligent one who is a Luthern that told me not to do the ECT, and the other is the manipulator one that is the taker of people. Just wanted to set that straight.
Debbie in MD.
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Post by mymindseyedpea on Apr 18, 2016 7:54:38 GMT
I'm sorry you are feeling this emotional pain. I can relate.
The way I personally understand Depression is in a pretty deep way though.
I associate Depression with a past experience. And I associate the past with emotion, and I associate emotion with the element of water. So I follow the way water works by where it is and what it does in nature.
Water can go deep in the ocean and make waves and it can flow in the rivers. Water is reflective and has a sensitive side because it absorbs.
To experience water you have to go in it. It's nourishing.
I see Depression as when you feel sunk in the water of your emotions.
That your longing for what was instead of being in the flow with life.
When emotions are stuck, the water gets dirty and moldy, collecting all sorts of muck.
I have a ravine behind where I live and the pond there is so murky. When the rain comes it creates a release, filling it up and flowing through under the bridge.
So, I feel deep emotions that are repressed need to be released. And in order for emotions to be released they need to be rained on ( felt ) to create the rising up and flow. For emotions to be felt, one needs to reflect. Tears are like the physical way deep emotions express themselves to release. And once emotions are released you feel more in the flow again instead of absorbed and sunk in them.
And this is what helped me heal from my experience of Depression.
It was the feeling that there was a deeper meaning and that my experience of feeling sunk in my emotions was actually helping me to find release that helped me the most.
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zella
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,884
Jul 7, 2014 19:36:30 GMT
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Post by zella on Apr 18, 2016 9:21:00 GMT
I understand. Completely. I think I expressed something to my therapist recently, some negative thoughts I was having about something that would normally be a good thing, and like you, said, "that's not me!" Also like you, my meds keep on failing me. Either they don't work or they give me side effects that are intolerable. I thought this new one was working great, but now I feel the depression again, like a dark cloud. Go see your doctor again. Change up your meds. Maybe you need to be on more than one. Can you get counseling? We are paying out of pocket for my counselor, but I swear I don't know how I'd function if I didn't have her right now. Having someone to talk to who DOES get it, and who absolutely will not judge you, is hugely helpful. I hope you will do these things. And though I know it feels so lonely, there are many of us who share your experiences and your pain. Hugs. zella I'm so sorry. I think about you often and pray for you--I hope praying for you is ok--I don't want you to think I'm pushing my beliefs on you. I hate that. Has your psychiatrist done the genetic test to determine what meds will work best for you? I did that a few years ago, and it really helped. My depression was bad at the time--my dad had just died, and my meds weren't working at all. The side effects were horrible. The test isn't expensive--less than $100 even without insurance. My psych nurse told me that because many insurances don't cover it. It was so wonderful to finally take a drug that helped. I felt so much better so quickly. I no longer just spent all day crying and feeling so bad that I thought my heart would explode. I really thought I had broken heart syndrome, and I didn't care. I knew my dad wouldn't want me to feel that way, but I just couldn't drag myself out of that pit. My mom was such a bitch which made it worse. My MIL did help me a lot. I hope you find meds that help you, and you feel better. It sucks that you also feel so guilty for feeling so bad--like that helps. People act like you're crazy and tell you to just get over it. My mom actually told me that she had decided after her dad died that she would never love anyone that much again. Jee, thanks. Explains a lot though. I don't regret for a second how much I loved my dad. I understand how much you loved your sister and how much it hurts that's she's not here. It hurts to wake up in the morning and not remember for a few minutes that they're gone. It hurts when people act like nothing happened to you. It does get better. You will get through this. (((hugs))) Thank you so much; you are so sweet, and your kind words mean a lot to me. I did ask my psychiatrist about the test, but given that I've run through pretty much every drug out there, he didn't feel it would be helpful. I have good days and bad. This weekend was 2 good days in a row. I hope to string together more and more days that are good. And no, you're not pushing your beliefs on me. Hugs right back to you. xxx
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