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Post by fredfreddy on Apr 19, 2016 14:49:44 GMT
I stopped posting anything about step parenting on the old board awhile ago because all the "rules" as well. I did it and will never ever judge other stepmoms because it is a freaking hard job.
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ginacivey
Pearl Clutcher
refupea #2 in southeast missouri
Posts: 4,685
Jun 25, 2014 19:18:36 GMT
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Post by ginacivey on Apr 19, 2016 17:04:28 GMT
I am not even sure what the original quote is getting at, but regarding the step-parent/step-child relationship, people always seem so black and white: "You MUST love that child just like your own!" It is rarely that simple, and I find it really frustrating that people are so judgmental about it. Being a step-parent is hard and everybody is different. People are often thrown into complex dynamics and there is a lot of pressure. Being a step-parent is hard, but no one is thrown into complex dynamics. The kid existed prior to a re-marriage - it's not as if they magically appeared. Some people go into a second marriage thinking it will all be ok because I love him / her (new spouse) and it's never that easy. actually- the kids are thrown into this "complex dynamic" thru no fault of their own gina
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sorrel2
New Member
Posts: 4
Apr 19, 2016 18:05:32 GMT
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Post by sorrel2 on Apr 19, 2016 18:10:37 GMT
Being a step-parent is hard, but no one is thrown into complex dynamics. The kid existed prior to a re-marriage - it's not as if they magically appeared. Some people go into a second marriage thinking it will all be ok because I love him / her (new spouse) and it's never that easy. actually- the kids are thrown into this "complex dynamic" thru no fault of their own gina This is Sorrel, for some reason I can't log in normally. I don't see anywhere where I said that it was the child's fault in any way. Nor did I ever say that I personally thought it was all going to be easy. All I am saying is that even when all parties are mature and thoughtful, the dynamics certainly can be very complicated, and acting like it is just so simple and clear does everyone a disservice and puts ridiculous pressure on that doesn't serve anyone.
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sorrel2
New Member
Posts: 4
Apr 19, 2016 18:05:32 GMT
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Post by sorrel2 on Apr 19, 2016 18:12:01 GMT
I stopped posting anything about step parenting on the old board awhile ago because all the "rules" as well. I did it and will never ever judge other stepmoms because it is a freaking hard job. Thank you. I should have known better than to even comment.
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Post by whopea on Apr 19, 2016 18:32:44 GMT
actually- the kids are thrown into this "complex dynamic" thru no fault of their own gina This is Sorrel, for some reason I can't log in normally. I don't see anywhere where I said that it was the child's fault in any way. Nor did I ever say that I personally thought it was all going to be easy. All I am saying is that even when all parties are mature and thoughtful, the dynamics certainly can be very complicated, and acting like it is just so simple and clear does everyone a disservice and puts ridiculous pressure on that doesn't serve anyone. Yes, ginacivey, that's exactly what I meant. The only message I was trying to convey is that your original words seemed to suggest that everyone was thrown into this complex situation. If one is a step parent, they aren't thrown into anything -- they chose it. The kids are the only ones who didn't willingly enter into the situation they find themselves in. In the families that I personally know, the ex spouse was crazy while they were dating. It has always amazed me that they thought marriage would make the ex less crazy.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Apr 19, 2016 18:40:39 GMT
This is Sorrel, for some reason I can't log in normally. I don't see anywhere where I said that it was the child's fault in any way. Nor did I ever say that I personally thought it was all going to be easy. All I am saying is that even when all parties are mature and thoughtful, the dynamics certainly can be very complicated, and acting like it is just so simple and clear does everyone a disservice and puts ridiculous pressure on that doesn't serve anyone. Yes, ginacivey, that's exactly what I meant. The only message I was trying to convey is that your original words seemed to suggest that everyone was thrown into this complex situation. If one is a step parent, they aren't thrown into anything -- they chose it. The kids are the only ones who didn't willingly enter into the situation they find themselves in. In the families that I personally know, the ex spouse was crazy while they were dating. It has always amazed me that they thought marriage would make the ex less crazy. This is exactly why we chose to live together for three years before we got married. I feel like I went into my situation with my eyes wide open. I knew how his ex wife was before I chose to marry him. It's frustrating at times but our kids get along with each other and with us. And I have been fully prepared for everything that has been thrown my way so far. It's true that a situation could arise that I am unprepared for but I feel like nothing so far has been unexpected. I also try to keep my focus on the kids and let their mothers antics roll off me as much as possible. Kids are smart. They figure it out. They know who's in their corner.
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ginacivey
Pearl Clutcher
refupea #2 in southeast missouri
Posts: 4,685
Jun 25, 2014 19:18:36 GMT
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Post by ginacivey on Apr 19, 2016 18:42:38 GMT
Yes, ginacivey , that's exactly what I meant. The only message I was trying to convey is that your original words seemed to suggest that everyone was thrown into this complex situation. If one is a step parent, they aren't thrown into anything -- they chose it. The kids are the only ones who didn't willingly enter into the situation they find themselves in. In the families that I personally know, the ex spouse was crazy while they were dating. It has always amazed me that they thought marriage would make the ex less crazy. This is exactly why we chose to live together for three years before we got married. I feel like I went into my situation with my eyes wide open. I knew how his ex wife was before I chose to marry him. It's frustrating at times but our kids get along with each other and with us. And I have been fully prepared for everything that has been thrown my way so far. It's true that a situation could arise that I am unprepared for but I feel like nothing so far has been unexpected. I also try to keep my focus on the kids and let their mothers antics roll off me as much as possible. Kids are smart. They figure it out. They know who's in their corner. "kids know who is in their corner" - you are spot on they do!! even if they don't know how to acknowledge it - gina
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sorrel2
New Member
Posts: 4
Apr 19, 2016 18:05:32 GMT
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Post by sorrel2 on Apr 19, 2016 19:01:57 GMT
I'm definitely in my step-son's corner. I dated my husband for three years before we got married. Everything went well, however what I could not have possibly anticipated was that my step-son's mom would decide that moving across the country to live with her new boyfriend (and completely abandoning her kid) was a great idea, leaving DH with full custody (they had 50/50), and the emotional fallout it brought on a 9 year old to have his mom check out of his life entirely. I support my step-son completely, but it gets tiresome to hear "oh, you knew what you were getting into", with the not so subtle undertone being that somehow you are not worthy of support or understanding, and that you can only be a saint in your feelings about it. That was not on my radar at all and it took everyone by surprise.
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ginacivey
Pearl Clutcher
refupea #2 in southeast missouri
Posts: 4,685
Jun 25, 2014 19:18:36 GMT
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Post by ginacivey on Apr 19, 2016 19:10:23 GMT
I'm definitely in my step-son's corner. I dated my husband for three years before we got married. Everything went well, however what I could not have possibly anticipated was that my step-son's mom would decide that moving across the country to live with her new boyfriend (and completely abandoning her kid) was a great idea, leaving DH with full custody (they had 50/50), and the emotional fallout it brought on a 9 year old to have his mom check out of his life entirely. I support my step-son completely, but it gets tiresome to hear "oh, you knew what you were getting into", with the not so subtle undertone being that somehow you are not worthy of support or understanding, and that you can only be a saint in your feelings about it. it's tough - it seems that it's okay and even encouraged - to judge their abilities and if they are 'doing it' right sometimes it's a no win situation i've been maneuvering the mine fields for 22 years....and just the other day ...was down in the dumps over a flippant comment DH's ex made (she said she was tired of me 'passing' myself off as the 'gramma' - this coming from woman that moved to texas and never sees/communicates with her son/grandson) it's frustrating and tiring gina
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Post by jeremysgirl on Apr 19, 2016 19:11:51 GMT
I'm definitely in my step-son's corner. I dated my husband for three years before we got married. Everything went well, however what I could not have possibly anticipated was that my step-son's mom would decide that moving across the country to live with her new boyfriend (and completely abandoning her kid) was a great idea, leaving DH with full custody (they had 50/50), and the emotional fallout it brought on a 9 year old to have his mom check out of his life entirely. I support my step-son completely, but it gets tiresome to hear "oh, you knew what you were getting into", with the not so subtle undertone being that somehow you are not worthy of support or understanding, and that you can only be a saint in your feelings about it. That had to have been really difficult for your stepson. I'm sorry. And it's true we never fully know what life has in store for us. I'm not naïve enough to think that something couldn't happen that I haven't prepared for. And you know as much as I love my DH I do understand that kids come first. And it's entirely possible that something could happen to change our current situation. Hugs to you. It isn't easy being a stepmom.
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sorrel2
New Member
Posts: 4
Apr 19, 2016 18:05:32 GMT
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Post by sorrel2 on Apr 19, 2016 19:20:21 GMT
Thanks ladies. I think I need a support group!
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freebird
Drama Llama
'cause I'm free as a bird now
Posts: 6,927
Jun 25, 2014 20:06:48 GMT
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Post by freebird on Apr 19, 2016 19:52:42 GMT
I'll just say, every step parent's situation is different, it's hard to walk in their shoes without knowing all so it's hard to judge on anyone else's stepparent skills really. I tried hard, and totally gave up - but they are all adults (and have been the entire time). My husband has a pretty good relationship with my kids. yes, they are his and hers, we're both ok with saying that, with calling them step son, etc. Kids are ok with it, parents are ok with it, so if we are, then probably everyone else should be too. JMO
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Post by jeremysgirl on Apr 19, 2016 19:56:18 GMT
Thanks ladies. I think I need a support group! Step parenting can be a really thankless job.
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Post by kelly316 on Apr 20, 2016 1:32:56 GMT
I'm definitely in my step-son's corner. I dated my husband for three years before we got married. Everything went well, however what I could not have possibly anticipated was that my step-son's mom would decide that moving across the country to live with her new boyfriend (and completely abandoning her kid) was a great idea, leaving DH with full custody (they had 50/50), and the emotional fallout it brought on a 9 year old to have his mom check out of his life entirely. I support my step-son completely, but it gets tiresome to hear "oh, you knew what you were getting into", with the not so subtle undertone being that somehow you are not worthy of support or understanding, and that you can only be a saint in your feelings about it. That was not on my radar at all and it took everyone by surprise. I may have married into it, however, there was no drama before marriage. I could not have anticipated what stress and turmoil a person could cause until almost immediately after the ring was on my finger. Perhaps the marriage infuriated or threatened her.
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quiltz
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,840
Location: CANADA
Jun 29, 2014 16:13:28 GMT
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Post by quiltz on Apr 20, 2016 1:46:44 GMT
I'm definitely in my step-son's corner. I dated my husband for three years before we got married. Everything went well, however what I could not have possibly anticipated was that my step-son's mom would decide that moving across the country to live with her new boyfriend (and completely abandoning her kid) was a great idea, leaving DH with full custody (they had 50/50), and the emotional fallout it brought on a 9 year old to have his mom check out of his life entirely. I support my step-son completely, but it gets tiresome to hear "oh, you knew what you were getting into", with the not so subtle undertone being that somehow you are not worthy of support or understanding, and that you can only be a saint in your feelings about it. That was not on my radar at all and it took everyone by surprise. I may have married into it, however, there was no drama before marriage. I could not have anticipated what stress and turmoil a person could cause until almost immediately after the ring was on my finger. Perhaps the marriage infuriated or threatened her. I have a friend who is suddenly feeling very threatened now that her xh is engaged. The 'kids' are grown up and some married with kids. She is very concerned about the whole change in family dynamics. What will her grandchildren call this woman and will the grandchildren know who the "real" grandma is. Her words, not mine. Her xh verbally and emotionally abused her, said a lot of untrue things prior, during & after their divorce. She has just started to feel like she is 'worth' anything.
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Post by jenjie on Apr 20, 2016 2:49:12 GMT
fredfreddy I just want to say hi! I think this is the first I'm seeing you here. Glad you found your way over!
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M in Carolina
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,128
Jun 29, 2014 12:11:41 GMT
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Post by M in Carolina on Apr 20, 2016 3:18:26 GMT
I feel so sorry for those who are judged by people who don't understand the family dynamic. (get a lot of this with having a strained relationship with my mom. Just because you wish you had another day with your mom, doesn't mean that my relationship is anything like yours.)
My mom was horrible to my stepmom. My stepmom was jealous of the close relationship I had with my dad. It took time for my stepmom to realize that I didn't agree with my mom--I liked my stepmom and was so happy that my dad was happy.
I'm so glad that my stepmom was so patient and wanted to encourage my relationship with my dad. I wouldn't have blamed her if she had just stayed away--like going to visit her parents so she didn't have to deal with my mom. She wanted to make my dad happy, and my dad didn't want my mom to bully my stepmom into staying away.
People think "love is all you need". It helps, but respect and politeness is also necessary.
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used2scrap
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,080
Jan 29, 2016 3:02:55 GMT
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Post by used2scrap on Apr 20, 2016 4:07:16 GMT
I'm definitely in my step-son's corner. I dated my husband for three years before we got married. Everything went well, however what I could not have possibly anticipated was that my step-son's mom would decide that moving across the country to live with her new boyfriend (and completely abandoning her kid) was a great idea, leaving DH with full custody (they had 50/50), and the emotional fallout it brought on a 9 year old to have his mom check out of his life entirely. I support my step-son completely, but it gets tiresome to hear "oh, you knew what you were getting into", with the not so subtle undertone being that somehow you are not worthy of support or understanding, and that you can only be a saint in your feelings about it. That was not on my radar at all and it took everyone by surprise. I'm sorry your situation has changed and I'm sorry for your step-son, but this comes across as someone who was only ever interested in being a "part time" parent to appease the new husband instead of concerned with the child. You knew there was a child, how could it not have been on the radar? His mom could die, or the child could decide at age 10 he only wants to live with dad. "Not on my radar" just seems like an incredibly naive cop out for ignoring the fact you were marrying someone with a child and not just Prince Charming...
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ginacivey
Pearl Clutcher
refupea #2 in southeast missouri
Posts: 4,685
Jun 25, 2014 19:18:36 GMT
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Post by ginacivey on Apr 20, 2016 14:49:02 GMT
I may have married into it, however, there was no drama before marriage. I could not have anticipated what stress and turmoil a person could cause until almost immediately after the ring was on my finger. Perhaps the marriage infuriated or threatened her. I have a friend who is suddenly feeling very threatened now that her xh is engaged. The 'kids' are grown up and some married with kids. She is very concerned about the whole change in family dynamics. What will her grandchildren call this woman and will the grandchildren know who the "real" grandma is. Her words, not mine. Her xh verbally and emotionally abused her, said a lot of untrue things prior, during & after their divorce. She has just started to feel like she is 'worth' anything. What will her grandchildren call this woman and will the grandchildren know who the "real" grandma is. Her words, not mine. ^^^^ exactly what can cause so many hurt feelings it's what i am dealing with - i am not the biological gramma but i am the every.single.day gramma - but not the 'real gramma' biology has nothing to do with it - sorry - it's the person who is there - being and loving and, believe it or not, a child can have more than one person that is a 'gramma' to them obviously this is a sore point for me right now gina
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Post by Sorrel on Apr 20, 2016 15:16:07 GMT
I'm definitely in my step-son's corner. I dated my husband for three years before we got married. Everything went well, however what I could not have possibly anticipated was that my step-son's mom would decide that moving across the country to live with her new boyfriend (and completely abandoning her kid) was a great idea, leaving DH with full custody (they had 50/50), and the emotional fallout it brought on a 9 year old to have his mom check out of his life entirely. I support my step-son completely, but it gets tiresome to hear "oh, you knew what you were getting into", with the not so subtle undertone being that somehow you are not worthy of support or understanding, and that you can only be a saint in your feelings about it. That was not on my radar at all and it took everyone by surprise. I'm sorry your situation has changed and I'm sorry for your step-son, but this comes across as someone who was only ever interested in being a "part time" parent to appease the new husband instead of concerned with the child. You knew there was a child, how could it not have been on the radar? His mom could die, or the child could decide at age 10 he only wants to live with dad. "Not on my radar" just seems like an incredibly naive cop out for ignoring the fact you were marrying someone with a child and not just Prince Charming... See, that's exactly what I am talking about. Dying and one's mom purposefully abandoning you are two totally different things, for starters. And so awesome that you were able to project that I was only interested in being a "part-time" parent to appease my Prince Charming. Did you miss the part where I mentioned that my big concern was the emotional fall-out on my step-son? Way to judge. Glad you aren't my friend.
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M in Carolina
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,128
Jun 29, 2014 12:11:41 GMT
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Post by M in Carolina on Apr 20, 2016 17:27:22 GMT
I have a friend who is suddenly feeling very threatened now that her xh is engaged. The 'kids' are grown up and some married with kids. She is very concerned about the whole change in family dynamics. What will her grandchildren call this woman and will the grandchildren know who the "real" grandma is. Her words, not mine. Her xh verbally and emotionally abused her, said a lot of untrue things prior, during & after their divorce. She has just started to feel like she is 'worth' anything. What will her grandchildren call this woman and will the grandchildren know who the "real" grandma is. Her words, not mine. ^^^^ exactly what can cause so many hurt feelings it's what i am dealing with - i am not the biological gramma but i am the every.single.day gramma - but not the 'real gramma' biology has nothing to do with it - sorry - it's the person who is there - being and loving and, believe it or not, a child can have more than one person that is a 'gramma' to them obviously this is a sore point for me right now gina That sucks. Your grandchild will know who the "real" grandma is, you! Hang in there. I get the "real" label too--my parents are my parents just like somebody else. Just because it wasn't there egg and sperm doesn't make their love "less than". I've talked to new moms who adopted and told them about the great relationship I had with my parents. You can see the relief on their faces that somebody gets it. It's the person that's in the trenches every day, not the person worried about labels.
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Post by whopea on Apr 20, 2016 18:13:04 GMT
I have a friend who is suddenly feeling very threatened now that her xh is engaged. The 'kids' are grown up and some married with kids. She is very concerned about the whole change in family dynamics. What will her grandchildren call this woman and will the grandchildren know who the "real" grandma is. Her words, not mine. Her xh verbally and emotionally abused her, said a lot of untrue things prior, during & after their divorce. She has just started to feel like she is 'worth' anything. What will her grandchildren call this woman and will the grandchildren know who the "real" grandma is. Her words, not mine. ^^^^ exactly what can cause so many hurt feelings it's what i am dealing with - i am not the biological gramma but i am the every.single.day gramma - but not the 'real gramma' biology has nothing to do with it - sorry - it's the person who is there - being and loving and, believe it or not, a child can have more than one person that is a 'gramma' to them obviously this is a sore point for me right now gina Any child that has people lining up to love them and be there for them is so fortunate, no matter their biology. I am dealing with this from the opposite side. I am blessed to have a wonderful step mom in my life. I call her mom. My kids call her grandma. It drives my bio mom insane because she is the "real" grandma. When she asks me why I let my kids call her grandma, I tell her that love is not defined by biology alone and not some finite material that can only be split so many ways. Love is boundless. Sorrel, I am so sorry about your step son's hardships. That would be devastating to a young boy.
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Post by anxiousmom on Apr 20, 2016 18:20:56 GMT
What will her grandchildren call this woman and will the grandchildren know who the "real" grandma is. Her words, not mine. ^^^^ exactly what can cause so many hurt feelings it's what i am dealing with - i am not the biological gramma but i am the every.single.day gramma - but not the 'real gramma' biology has nothing to do with it - sorry - it's the person who is there - being and loving and, believe it or not, a child can have more than one person that is a 'gramma' to them obviously this is a sore point for me right now gina Any child that has people lining up to love them and be there for them is so fortunate, no matter their biology. I am dealing with this from the opposite side. I am blessed to have a wonderful step mom in my life. I call her mom. My kids call her grandma. It drives my bio mom insane because she is the "real" grandma. When she asks me why I let my kids call her grandma, I tell her that love is not defined by biology alone and not some finite material that can only be split so many ways. Love is boundless. Sorrel , I am so sorry about your step son's hardships. That would be devastating to a young boy. We are a family of steps, halves, wholes, ex's and remarries. My philosophy on it all is that the more the merrier. I don't always get alone with my kid's stepmom, but there is no denying that she loves them, and that her family treats my kids exactly like every other kid in the family. Between all of us, we ARE the village that is raising the kids.
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used2scrap
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,080
Jan 29, 2016 3:02:55 GMT
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Post by used2scrap on Apr 20, 2016 18:30:18 GMT
I'm sorry your situation has changed and I'm sorry for your step-son, but this comes across as someone who was only ever interested in being a "part time" parent to appease the new husband instead of concerned with the child. You knew there was a child, how could it not have been on the radar? His mom could die, or the child could decide at age 10 he only wants to live with dad. "Not on my radar" just seems like an incredibly naive cop out for ignoring the fact you were marrying someone with a child and not just Prince Charming... See, that's exactly what I am talking about. Dying and one's mom purposefully abandoning you are two totally different things, for starters. And so awesome that you were able to project that I was only interested in being a "part-time" parent to appease my Prince Charming. Did you miss the part where I mentioned that my big concern was the emotional fall-out on my step-son? Way to judge. Glad you aren't my friend. Woah sorry I wasn't trying to judge you, thought I was pointing out the part of your statement that came across like you were upset you went from an expected 50/50 situation to full time parent. But honestly, it does mystify me when any parents, biological or step are surprised that kids have emotional fall out from divorce situations...
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MizIndependent
Drama Llama
Quit your bullpoop.
Posts: 5,836
Jun 25, 2014 19:43:16 GMT
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Post by MizIndependent on Apr 20, 2016 18:31:01 GMT
I'm sure this goes both ways, but I wish everyone could make the world a kinder place. I read this somewhere and had to share. It's perfect for today and I'm sure others can relate. Wow. That just screams of insecurity. Poor woman. I don't agree with "I didn't plan on you being a part of my life anymore than you planned on me being a part of yours." Very clearly she actively planned on it having dated the man, planned a wedding with him then marrying him. A little disingenuous there. "I have a child of my own", "I am nothing but cordial to you and your child", I mean...wow. Really? Very, very cold, then insults the mother by saying "Even though you have never been much of a mother", twice. The poor kid doesn't stand a chance with this stepmother. Clearly the ex needs to move on already but wow, that stepmother is living up to the fairy tale stereotype. Kinda wonder what is going on to make her that vitriolic.
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Post by Sorrel on Apr 20, 2016 18:42:21 GMT
See, that's exactly what I am talking about. Dying and one's mom purposefully abandoning you are two totally different things, for starters. And so awesome that you were able to project that I was only interested in being a "part-time" parent to appease my Prince Charming. Did you miss the part where I mentioned that my big concern was the emotional fall-out on my step-son? Way to judge. Glad you aren't my friend. Woah sorry I wasn't trying to judge you, thought I was pointing out the part of your statement that came across like you were upset you went from an expected 50/50 situation to full time parent. But honestly, it does mystify me when any parents, biological or step are surprised that kids have emotional fall out from divorce situations... I wasn't upset at DSS about becoming a full-time step-parent, although that presented new logistics that we all had to adjust to. That part is okay though. My step-son didn't have much fall-out from the actual divorce. He adjusted to that fairly well. His mom bailing on him has been the devastating thing. This is a person who repeatedly announced that her son was the only thing she lived for. Then to suddenly announce she was moving 2,000 miles away to live with some guy she met 3 months before, well heck yeah, that was a surprise! Guess that makes me the stupid naive stepmom. Whatever. I'm sure you handle every situation in your life with exceptional grace.
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Post by Sorrel on Apr 20, 2016 18:45:05 GMT
What will her grandchildren call this woman and will the grandchildren know who the "real" grandma is. Her words, not mine. ^^^^ exactly what can cause so many hurt feelings it's what i am dealing with - i am not the biological gramma but i am the every.single.day gramma - but not the 'real gramma' biology has nothing to do with it - sorry - it's the person who is there - being and loving and, believe it or not, a child can have more than one person that is a 'gramma' to them obviously this is a sore point for me right now gina Any child that has people lining up to love them and be there for them is so fortunate, no matter their biology. I am dealing with this from the opposite side. I am blessed to have a wonderful step mom in my life. I call her mom. My kids call her grandma. It drives my bio mom insane because she is the "real" grandma. When she asks me why I let my kids call her grandma, I tell her that love is not defined by biology alone and not some finite material that can only be split so many ways. Love is boundless. Sorrel, I am so sorry about your step son's hardships. That would be devastating to a young boy. Thank you. DH and I have worked hard to make him feel secure and supported, and he is doing much better, but it was a shock that she decided to do that. It's hard to know what to say when he wonders why she chose her boyfriend over him.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Apr 20, 2016 18:48:15 GMT
See, that's exactly what I am talking about. Dying and one's mom purposefully abandoning you are two totally different things, for starters. And so awesome that you were able to project that I was only interested in being a "part-time" parent to appease my Prince Charming. Did you miss the part where I mentioned that my big concern was the emotional fall-out on my step-son? Way to judge. Glad you aren't my friend. Woah sorry I wasn't trying to judge you, thought I was pointing out the part of your statement that came across like you were upset you went from an expected 50/50 situation to full time parent. But honestly, it does mystify me when any parents, biological or step are surprised that kids have emotional fall out from divorce situations... Not to be rude, but I can understand it even if she was upset that she went from a 50-50 situation to being a full time parent. My two kids are on every other weekend visitation. But they don't get it very often due to their dad's work situation. So I am a full time parent to my kids. My step kids, on the other hand, come one weeknight and every other weekend. If their mother were to drop out of the picture, not only would I be dealing with the abandonment issues that would create for the kids, it would greatly impact my life and my level of responsibility toward them. Do I think that you are obligated to step up to the plate and do the best you can for the kids? Absolutely. Do I understand you having negative feelings about the impact that this just had on your own life? You bet I do.
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Post by Sorrel on Apr 20, 2016 19:00:53 GMT
Woah sorry I wasn't trying to judge you, thought I was pointing out the part of your statement that came across like you were upset you went from an expected 50/50 situation to full time parent. But honestly, it does mystify me when any parents, biological or step are surprised that kids have emotional fall out from divorce situations... Not to be rude, but I can understand it even if she was upset that she went from a 50-50 situation to being a full time parent. My two kids are on every other weekend visitation. But they don't get it very often due to their dad's work situation. So I am a full time parent to my kids. My step kids, on the other hand, come one weeknight and every other weekend. If their mother were to drop out of the picture, not only would I be dealing with the abandonment issues that would create for the kids, it would greatly impact my life and my level of responsibility toward them. Do I think that you are obligated to step up to the plate and do the best you can for the kids? Absolutely. Do I understand you having negative feelings about the impact that this just had on your own life? You bet I do. Thank you Jeremysgirl- you are right. Going to full-time custodial parent was a huge logistical adjustment! Of course I stepped up and am supporting my step-son as best I can. My own DDs are with me 60% of the time, so I actually spend more time with my step-son than I do them. That was hard for me to emotionally process as well, but things are better now. I find it very frustrating that in other situations people are allowed to experience their feelings and move through them with support, but somehow if you have the audacity to get divorced and then marry someone else who is divorced that you are never entitled to have any negative thoughts at all, and in fact you just always need to suck it up "because you chose this". I have never taken anything out on my step-son. He's a great kid and deserves only support and security. That doesn't mean I'm not overwhelmed or surprised at times.
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used2scrap
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,080
Jan 29, 2016 3:02:55 GMT
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Post by used2scrap on Apr 20, 2016 19:03:38 GMT
Woah sorry I wasn't trying to judge you, thought I was pointing out the part of your statement that came across like you were upset you went from an expected 50/50 situation to full time parent. But honestly, it does mystify me when any parents, biological or step are surprised that kids have emotional fall out from divorce situations... Not to be rude, but I can understand it even if she was upset that she went from a 50-50 situation to being a full time parent. My two kids are on every other weekend visitation. But they don't get it very often due to their dad's work situation. So I am a full time parent to my kids. My step kids, on the other hand, come one weeknight and every other weekend. If their mother were to drop out of the picture, not only would I be dealing with the abandonment issues that would create for the kids, it would greatly impact my life and my level of responsibility toward them. Do I think that you are obligated to step up to the plate and do the best you can for the kids? Absolutely. Do I understand you having negative feelings about the impact that this just had on your own life? You bet I do. Absolutely, be upset about it and be impacted and have feelings! Who wouldnt?? I just can't wrap my head around someone saying it wasn't even on the radar as a possibility...But time and time again you see people in divorce/remarriage/blended families struggling and acting surprised it's hard that there are issues. I just don't get the element of surprise.
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