WWYD - Update in OP

Will your dh be involved in planning the funeral? If so, he could just mention that on the Saturdays, your daughters would not be able to attend. Ultimately, someone is going to be unhappy with the date, but as long as your dh states their availability, what happens from that point, just happens.

While I totally get the schedule issue and I know some will be very ticked if the kids don't show up, I personally would not make them come. I know these things cannot be helped but to be honest, if my family had that much going on, I may skip the funeral myself if my kids needed me. I had a great relationship with my MIL btw. I would ask the girls what they want to do and let them make their own decisions.

The competition is important and already scheduled. I would let her go to that.

I would encourage them to have the funeral earlier or later and if they cannot, just be polite and tell them that the girls cannot attend. Honestly, funerals are for the living, not the dead and while I understand the need to be there, make a point of going after the funeral and after things settle down with your girls to pay their respects.

Won't your DH be involved in planning the funeral? Couldn't he just say can it please be Monday?



Otherwise I would let them choose.
I'm sorry for your family's loss.

I would let them choose. Were they close to her over the years, despite the physical distance?

This is exactly how I feel but couldn't find a polite way to express it. You said it well.

Does it have to be traditional service and time frame?

My family has switched to memorials so distant family can travel to the event. Those being buried are interred (sp?) earlier, and the group goes to the site if desired during memorial, sometimes headstone is complete which is nice.

DH family does what is most convenient for the planner , expenses and schedule for others be damned. Pretty much their attitude about all things. And then they wonder why the family isn't close - duh?

I would let them choose which they feel they can do, rather than force them.

Here's a kind of related story. My father passed away 3 weeks before my wedding, which as we all know is the crucial time for planning. I was ready to drop everything and travel cross country for whatever services or whatever that needed to be done. My now husband was ready to put me on the next plane if I needed to go. My mother, however, conscious of what was going on, told me that it was my choice but that with the wedding so close, it was probably better that I stay where I am rather than coming home. She was adamant that the wedding would go on, that she wanted the wedding to go on. That she was fine, well taken care of (my brother, SIL, my nephews, my uncles and other friends/extended family rallied around her) and that she wanted the wedding to go forward even in this time of grief. I cannot tell you how much of a gift that choice was. The panic I felt that first weekend (he passed on a Friday) about the wedding and a funeral was horrible. I really had a hard time dealing with it because of the mix of emotions. But my mom gave me that gift to choose, that it was okay to not go home, that it was okay to continue with the happy event, that I needed to do what I felt was best at the moment. Was my dad forgotten? Not for a second. Did I feel bad and like I needed to be there? Yes, absolutely. But I also knew that my mom wasn't alone and that she was well protected and taken care of. Mom decided early on that there would be no funeral or memorial at that time. It was just too close to the wedding and to my brother's birthday (I was adamant when we were talking about having services that if it came after the wedding that we be VERY conscious of the date so as to not shadow my brother's birthday) and since my father chose to be cremated, we could do what we wanted, when we wanted. So as of this point, we remember my father everyday. We are talking about having a celebration of life in August, which is his birthday, with a BBQ because that's what he loved to do in the summer... well all year round but that's another story.

My point is, the happy moments have to be taken with the sad moments. If they choose to forgo prom or whatever to attend the funeral, that's their choice but they should also remember that the happy moments in life can't be ignored. And sometimes? The happy moments can make remembering those we've lost that much more tangible and more appreciated.

I hope that made sense.

If the funeral does happen to fall on the day your children have other commitments, maybe plan on holding a memorial service later on, when everyone can attend.

My condolences to you and your family.

I would give my kids the choice and support their decision. DH would have a much more difficult time with them not going to the funeral, but his family gets caught up in appearances and worries about what other people would say if the grandkids weren't there.

I've known families to have a gathering at a much later date when everyone can plan and commit to being there, sometimes centered around scattering ashes or laying a gravestone, but not always.

I agree with PeppermintPatty with a slight modification: I'd check into getting the children there NOW while Grandma might still be coherent enough to recognize and enjoy the visit. An 8 hour drive is really nothing to me so go, visit, sleep, visit, return.  I would probably be on the road now

I would probably do what Loydene suggested. Let them go now and say good bye. Then I would let them choose while encouraging them to go to the Prom or the school trip.

If they don't go to the funeral I would do something as a family to recognize and remember their Grandmother.

Before reading ahead, I would be FURIOUS if my granddaughters missed their prom because I was being buried. If my husband was being buried I would want them to go to prom then too. I would hope that my son could make it and help support my other family members.