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Post by mtscrapper on Apr 19, 2016 16:18:17 GMT
Honestly, funerals are for the living, not the dead and while I understand the need to be there, make a point of going after the funeral and after things settle down with your girls to pay their respects. I agree with PeppermintPatty with a slight modification: I'd check into getting the children there NOW while Grandma might still be coherent enough to recognize and enjoy the visit. An 8 hour drive is really nothing to me so go, visit, sleep, visit, return. I would probably be on the road now This would be great but not possible. However, my husband has been up there the last couple of days to support his dad and say his goodbyes. She is not really all that responsive right now. She has also had dementia and I'm not sure if she even knows her husband anymore when she is awake.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 19, 2016 16:22:58 GMT
My answer is opposite of most. Our children need to understand that it's not always about them and their wants. Going to prom is a want. Supporting your father and grandfather through this family event is far, far, far more important than a prom.
Now the trip? I'm inclined to say that's a different scenario.
What you decide, obviously, is up to you. I'm so sorry for your family and the loss they are facing.
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Post by Fidget on Apr 19, 2016 16:28:13 GMT
I'm with the majority - I'd allow them to make their own decision, and I would most likely encourage them to go to their Prom.
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Post by moretimeplease on Apr 19, 2016 16:30:51 GMT
I'm going against the grain: they'd be going to the funeral. My mom died 5 months ago and I needed my children with me; and they were glad to be of support to me and to be a part of honoring their grandmother. How do you say to people when they ask where your children are: "they chose to go to the prom?" I'll get flak for this, I'm sure, but that's how I feel. But with something like Prom, not only would the two girls miss out but also their dates. I couldn't put my needs/desires before those of four other people who don't have the same emotional attachment I do.
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peabay
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Post by peabay on Apr 19, 2016 16:37:19 GMT
I'm going against the grain: they'd be going to the funeral. My mom died 5 months ago and I needed my children with me; and they were glad to be of support to me and to be a part of honoring their grandmother. How do you say to people when they ask where your children are: "they chose to go to the prom?" I'll get flak for this, I'm sure, but that's how I feel. But with something like Prom, not only would the two girls miss out but also their dates. I couldn't put my needs/desires before those of four other people who don't have the same emotional attachment I do. I think they'd understand. Things like this happen. I have four daughters. If a prom date had to cancel because of a death in the family, I know they'd be disappointed, but I wouldn't expect (and would be horrified) if a date stayed home from a grandparent's funeral because of an obligation to my child.
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Post by bratkar on Apr 19, 2016 16:42:21 GMT
We have had to make many choices in our family regarding funeral's. Some reason it never fails, there is always something going on in someone's life. We've all made choices, that were not popular with other people, but we are the ones that have to live with the choice. Before my grandmother passed away, she made it very clear, that she did not want a funeral to disrupt any plans we might have had planned before hand. That life was for the living and she wanted us to keep on living. She knew we loved her and meant the world to us and it meant even more to us giving us that gift of choice. (she told us this for years before her death) We all make it work and we were all there. But it hasn't always been the case for all the family.
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Post by moretimeplease on Apr 19, 2016 16:48:49 GMT
But with something like Prom, not only would the two girls miss out but also their dates. I couldn't put my needs/desires before those of four other people who don't have the same emotional attachment I do. I think they'd understand. Things like this happen. I have four daughters. If a prom date had to cancel because of a death in the family, I know they'd be disappointed, but I wouldn't expect (and would be horrified) if a date stayed home from a grandparent's funeral because of an obligation to my child. I missed the funeral for my grandmother when I was a teenager. A little different situation as I was out of town with a church group, but my parents didn't even tell me about her death until I got home. They didn't want me to feel torn about missing the funeral, nor did they want me to not fully enjoy my trip. We all have different reactions to things based on our histories. My kids are not close to my dad because he has chosen to not be all that involved with them. I would not make them miss an important (to them) event in order to attend something important (i.e. his funeral) to me. But thats the way I grew up. Your family funerals sound a little more sacred to you. And that's totally valid, so I hope you don't feel like I'm giving you flak!
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Post by whopea on Apr 19, 2016 16:52:44 GMT
This is a tough scenario. I wish you peace during this difficult time for your dh and family.
I would be inclined to plan two different things. Plan an immediate funeral and burial around the death. If it happens to fall on either weekend (prom or trip), I would allow your dd's to make the decision on their attendance without any guilt. Somebody up-thread had it right - it's not just them to consider but dates as well and this close to prom, I'm sure there are dresses paid for, tuxes committed, dinner reservations, flowers and transportation all factored in.
The second thing I would plan would be a memorial service, held perhaps in the summer. It could be a wonderful celebration of her life, with pictures and family gathered. This event I would plan around the majority attendance and insist that the girls go.
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peabay
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Post by peabay on Apr 19, 2016 16:54:07 GMT
I think they'd understand. Things like this happen. I have four daughters. If a prom date had to cancel because of a death in the family, I know they'd be disappointed, but I wouldn't expect (and would be horrified) if a date stayed home from a grandparent's funeral because of an obligation to my child. I missed the funeral for my grandmother when I was a teenager. A little different situation as I was out of town with a church group, but my parents didn't even tell me about her death until I got home. They didn't want me to feel torn about missing the funeral, nor did they want me to not fully enjoy my trip. We all have different reactions to things based on our histories. My kids are not close to my dad because he has chosen to not be all that involved with them. I would not make them miss an important (to them) event in order to attend something important (i.e. his funeral) to me. But thats the way I grew up. Your family funerals sound a little more sacred to you. And that's totally valid, so I hope you don't feel like I'm giving you flak! I don't! We just disagree. My kids were very close to their grandmothers and I would expect them to attend their wakes and funerals. I can see it differently for a grandparent with whom they had a more distant or difficult relationship. And people keep saying "funerals are for the living" and I completely agree - you go to give support and comfort to your family. And to be a part of the family.
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Mary Kay Lady
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Post by Mary Kay Lady on Apr 19, 2016 16:55:09 GMT
I just wanted to chime in to say that I'm sorry about your MILs declining health. ((HUGS)) to you during this time. Waiting for an event like this isn't fun or easy.
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Post by katiejane on Apr 19, 2016 17:03:58 GMT
Sorry you are facing this loss. I would let them make their own choice. Although funerals are an important event. So is a prom. It is more important that they grieve in their own way and live their lives comfortable with the choices they make. The idea of emotionally blackmailing someone to attend a funeral or making them feel that they have an obligation to go for another family member doesn't sit right with me. I would let them not go if they didn't want to and plan something private with the family later. The important thing is they grieve appropriately for them. Celebrating their youth and the prom might be how they come to terms with her death. Especially if the relationship has been tough due to dementia.
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peabay
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Post by peabay on Apr 19, 2016 17:05:29 GMT
I just also want to add how sorry I am to the OP. In my strongly worded responses, I didn't want her to think that I was insensitive to what her family is going through. When my mother suddenly died, my dd#3 was starring in her high school play. She had 30 members of the cast and crew depending on her. We were able to work with everyone else in the family to schedule things around her and I hope you can do the same. I hope your mil has a safe journey and your family is comforted by happy memories.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Apr 19, 2016 17:40:48 GMT
So much depends on family dynamics. Funerals are a very big deal in my family - and it's all about the living. You go to support the family members who are grieving. If my mother or father passed away, my children would attend the funeral - not prom. And based on my FILs death - I really wouldn't need to insist. My FIL was adamant that there would be NO funeral. I understand that he didn't want to inconvenience people - and wanted everyone to "just keep living". Well we found that was actually really painful. My husband wanted to honor his father, my children wanted to say goodbye to their beloved grandfather. The expectation that they should just pretend nothing was different and go their baseball game/ballet class that night was really awful. We ultimately had a little something for him just with our family and planted a tree and read poems and told funny stories about him. We laughed and cried and grieved and supported each other in our feelings - which to me is what a funeral is all about.
I'm terribly sorry for this difficult time OP - dementia is so, so hard on the family. I hope your MIL finds peace.
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gina
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Post by gina on Apr 19, 2016 17:52:43 GMT
I am another with a very close family. My children would be attending their grandparent's funeral. For those saying Prom is a big deal. It is... at the time. Honestly? I went to 3 Proms in HS. They were THE BIGGEST DEAL TO ME at the time. Looking back now? I would be really sad if I skipped gathering with my family during a difficult time for Prom dates I no longer even see. Maybe some will see me saying it was the biggest deal to my 16/17 year old self as reason to not skip Prom. As an adult looking back, I see it as a reason why my kids would need some guidance from me as to what the right decision for our family is. OP, I am sorry for your loss.
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Post by Flowergirl on Apr 19, 2016 17:57:00 GMT
I'm sorry you're going through this and can relate. MIL died unexpectedly on Valentines Day while DD (17) was in the middle of her 10 day trip to Italy that she had saved money to pay for half of for two years. Fortunately, we were able to hold the service until the day after she returned. It sucked for all to have to tell her this news long distance. Fortunately, I was able to give her teachers a head up before I spoke to her so they'd be nearby and ready to comfort her.
In your case, I would see if DH could work with siblings/Dad to schedule the service for a different day. Otherwise, I'd leave it up to my kids. I can't imagine their prom dates not understanding if your girls had to cancel, even if they were disappointed. But I also wouldn't guilt them or let anyone else guilt them if they decided to go to their prom.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 19, 2016 18:04:02 GMT
If my mother were passing, she would never want her grandchildren to miss a big event in their life to attend her home going. Never.
If it were our family, we would plan a trip together to visit grandpa and intentionally spend a bit of it having our own memorial time.
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J u l e e
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Post by J u l e e on Apr 19, 2016 18:09:40 GMT
I am sorry you are facing your mother in law's death. Dementia is horrific. My father died of Alzheimer's Disease when he was 59, but we were unrecognizable to him for the last five or so years of his life. His death felt like it lasted a decade (and it really did as his was a slow slow loss of memory, speech, and mobility starting most noticeably from when he was right around 50). We completely grieved and faced all the emotions while he was still alive, if that makes sense. By the time he died, we were completely ready for him to go - it was more painful that he lived as long as he did in the state he was in. My brother's family had just left on vacation the day my father died. We were able to schedule my father's funeral around that, but I don't know what would have happened if we could not.
Anyway, I'm wondering if that has anything to do with my feelings. I may think differently if a death were completely unexpected and there was never time to come to grips with emotions, etc. I think "the living" would need to draw support from each other especially then. And I can't think of a better way to say it, but my family had done all that over the course of many years.
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Post by papersilly on Apr 19, 2016 18:12:39 GMT
i would let them choose and I would let them go to Prom. I'm sure Grandma would want them to go to their prom and have a good time.
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Post by 950nancy on Apr 19, 2016 18:21:10 GMT
I would give my kids the choice and support their decision. DH would have a much more difficult time with them not going to the funeral, but his family gets caught up in appearances and worries about what other people would say if the grandkids weren't there. I've known families to have a gathering at a much later date when everyone can plan and commit to being there, sometimes centered around scattering ashes or laying a gravestone, but not always. This would be my husband too. Nothing would be more important than that funeral. What would people think. I do agree with previous posters who said to let the girls decide. Prom means different things to different people. Finding some happiness in a tragic situation is also good. My father's funeral was five months after his death and that was too long. Honestly, there just is no right answer.
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paigepea
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Post by paigepea on Apr 19, 2016 18:34:43 GMT
I'm going against the grain: they'd be going to the funeral. My mom died 5 months ago and I needed my children with me; and they were glad to be of support to me and to be a part of honoring their grandmother. How do you say to people when they ask where your children are: "they chose to go to the prom?" I'll get flak for this, I'm sure, but that's how I feel. But with something like Prom, not only would the two girls miss out but also their dates. I couldn't put my needs/desires before those of four other people who don't have the same emotional attachment I do. Really? A prom date is a need. I don't and won't get it. I think compassion is a wonderful quality and going to prom while everyone knows your date had to leave for a funeral is the ultimate character building and lesson in compassion exercise. It might even prompt others to step up and ask the dates to join in. These are the events in life that teach lessons, build character, make us stronger and help build community feelings. Maybe i sound over the top dramatic but I've had a few situations where I've been able to teach my kids compassion and they are situations my young girls will never forget.
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paigepea
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Post by paigepea on Apr 19, 2016 18:44:54 GMT
I would like to add that funerals must different across cultures. In our culture, the funeral can be a close, emotional, religious experience. And the family mourns for 1 week while friends and family support / visit. Perhaps that is why I'm so strongly opinionated.
OP - I never said but as far as the school event goes the next week, I would let my dd choose. And many, many hugs to your and your family at this time.
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scrapaddie
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Post by scrapaddie on Apr 19, 2016 19:32:18 GMT
I'm going against the grain: they'd be going to the funeral. My mom died 5 months ago and I needed my children with me; and they were glad to be of support to me and to be a part of honoring their grandmother. How do you say to people when they ask where your children are: "they chose to go to the prom?" I'll get flak for this, I'm sure, but that's how I feel. This is similar to what I was going to say..... How would you handle this if it were your mother instead of your mil..... And there's your answer
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Post by shamrock on Apr 19, 2016 19:43:09 GMT
My grandmother died last summer after years with dementia. Of 4 grandchildren I'm the only one local. Only 2 of 4 of her children are local. A funeral was held within the typical time frame. Then about a month & half later, on what would have been her 101 birthday, a memorial was held. All children & grandchildren were able to attend that. Friends of the family also came.
Maybe something like that could be suggested and work well given the situation. If not, I'd let my children pick.
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Post by maryland on Apr 19, 2016 19:47:42 GMT
So sorry! What a hard decision. Would your husband be able to take the kids up to see you mil now? Then maybe they could stay home and you and your husband could go next weekend?
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Post by anniefb on Apr 19, 2016 20:27:31 GMT
I'm going against the grain: they'd be going to the funeral. My mom died 5 months ago and I needed my children with me; and they were glad to be of support to me and to be a part of honoring their grandmother. How do you say to people when they ask where your children are: "they chose to go to the prom?" I'll get flak for this, I'm sure, but that's how I feel. Yeah I feel the same. Yes, the prom and other events may be important but IMO family situations/celebrations and commemorations would 'trump' those.
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Post by twinks on Apr 19, 2016 21:05:43 GMT
I am so sorry that you and your family are experiencing this. In reality, your family has already "lost" the grandmother that they love and adore. This is what happens when you have a loved one with dementia. You lose them twice.
While the timing of a death and funeral is never convenient, it happens. To that fact, I offer my sincere condolences to you and your family.
I would let those planing the funeral know of the conflicts but would let them decide. Should they decide on the Saturday of Prom, I would let my DD's choose what they wanted to do and support their choice. I would also arrange a time for them to be with their grandfather to show their respect and love.
I have a very dear friend who died this past January. Her one and only son could not attend her funeral due to commitments and distance. He wrote his remarks and had someone read them. He Skyped with his sisters (my friends daughters). They recorded the entire funeral for him to have later. I am just throwing out some ideas.
Luckily when my Dad died, distance was not a concern. I remember attending his funeral and within a couple of days taking 2 finals and the day after that attending Commencement and Graduation from college. When my Aunt died, there were several members of her family (including a son, a daughter, several grand children and in-laws, along with me, her niece) running in a marathon and half-marathon the day of her funeral. We all finished our races, showered, and attended the funeral. Was it perfect? No! Decisions need to be made and everyone just does the best they can under the circumstances.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 19, 2016 21:11:32 GMT
What a tough situation.
Everyone passes is their own time. 15 days ago DB was given 2 to 10 days. He's still here. It's really just a best guess.
I am in the let them chose club. Give them guidance and let them decide.
Family is important, but so are the milestone events when reaching the end of an era (prom, class trips, etc.). Only your family can truly decide.
My parents wanted no funerals or memorials. I was ok with it, but in hindsight, the ritual of the funeral is there to help the living come to peace with their loss.
If you and your DH can do something with the kids at a later date that will give them that closure, then the funeral wouldn't be a big deal to attend.
Sitting vigil is so hard. You want them to be at peace, but you hurt at the thought of them leaving. Huge hugs and prayers for comfort, peace, and most of all, love to you all as you travel this road.
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Post by mtscrapper on Apr 19, 2016 21:21:55 GMT
Thanks everyone again for your opinions and kind words! This is a difficult time, and I will definitely keep you posted of what happens.
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grinningcat
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Post by grinningcat on Apr 19, 2016 22:10:38 GMT
I'll be honest, I've been reading this thread and the posts that say that they would demand their children attend a funeral at the cost of other important events make me really sad. Funerals may be for the living but they are not the be all and end all in the method of grieving or remembering a loved one. To be honest, I think they are gong shows that can create more trauma and drama than they are worth. I think it should be up to every person whether they attend or not. Grieving is not one size fits all. I'd much rather remember my grandmother or my DH's grandmother without the funeral being part of it. I am so happy that my final memory of my dad is when he was alive, not a funeral.
I know my opinion means nothing, just wanted to say that it makes me sad how black and white people can be about funerals.
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GiantsFan
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Post by GiantsFan on Apr 19, 2016 22:15:33 GMT
I had to make a similar choice when I was a teen. I chose my event and everytime I think about it I wish my Mom would've made me go to the funeral.
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