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Post by myboysnme on Jul 30, 2014 23:06:02 GMT
I have a long time friend (about 15 years) and we travel together once or twice a year to conventions or getaways for our shared hobby. She knows how to drive and has a new car, but will not drive on the highway or out of town. We both have about the same financial situation. For all of the 15 years I always drive the both of us in my car. She pays gas for the return trip and sometimes will offer to pay for an inexpensive meal when we stop in exchange for me driving. In May and June we made 3 trips that were 4 hrs of driving for me in my car. I paid the gas.
This past week we went out of state about 6 hrs one way. I drove again, I paid parking, I had to drive us everywhere we went, and I ended up paying for the entire meal when we took out our host including my friend's meal as she did not offer to pay at all. (this time we stayed with one of my relatives instead of in a hotel).
This last time I found myself very irritated. I am feeling used. I am tired of doing all the driving, all the wear and tear on my car, I feel like I am just a chauffeur - I pick her up at her house and drop her off at the end. So here is where I need opinions. Is this something I can change up at this point without losing the friendship? Should I say something and if so, what can I say? Am I just being selfish or should there be more she could do for this to feel fair. I do enjoy her company, but it would sure be nice to sit as a passenger sometime or even have her pay the gas for the trip in exchange for using my car. The only thing I can think of is to just not plan any trips with her at all.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 7, 2024 0:30:00 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 30, 2014 23:18:29 GMT
Usually when I go on trips with friends, I'm the driver. I have a good sense of direction and I know how to use my cruise control! None of my friends can keep up a good speed if we're chatting. But they've always offered to pay for gas and sometimes even get out of the car and pay at the pump before I can.
If I were in your situation, I'd just ask her to pay part of the gas expense the next time you plan a trip. "Hey, do you want to go to _____________ with me? Would you be comfortable helping out with the gas money?" If she says no, then don't plan on any more trips with her.
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Post by sues on Jul 30, 2014 23:20:52 GMT
I'd be annoyed too. She needs to take her turn. If she's so petrified of highways or driving out of town- she needs to pay for gas both ways. The wear and tear on your car and your endless driving is contribution enough. If I were in her situation, I'd be paying for gas at the very least- but probably a meal or two as well.
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Post by christine58 on Jul 30, 2014 23:21:17 GMT
She either needs to help with the driving or I would not be inviting her anymore. You've put extra miles on your car. When a friend and I went to Ohio, she paid for ALL the gas...to and from. She said that since the miles were being put on my car, it was the least she could do.
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Post by lucyg on Jul 30, 2014 23:25:06 GMT
I understand your feelings as I usually do the driving for my family and friends. I've kind of come to terms with being stuck with most of the expense, headache, and wear-and-tear of driving. My sister fills my car once in a while, picks up a meal, whatever, but I don't think it evens out. (On the other hand, when my DH was killed, she extended her maternity leave an extra three months to be there for me ... so I am NOT complaining.)
If I were constantly driving one person who wasn't really pulling her weight AND it was a situation where I couldn't say, okay, now it's your turn to drive ... I think I would say something. I don't think perennial passengers think very hard about the expenses and hassle of doing all the driving. I would try to be nice about it and tell her she's going to need to contribute more to the driving expenses. Maybe even suggest she fill the tank 3/4 of the time to help make up for your additional expenses. Those tires and brakes are going to need replacing sooner because she never drives to crops (or wherever you're going).
You can also tell her she needs to contribute if you're taking your hosts out to eat or whatever. She can supply drinks and snacks for the road trip if that's an issue. Unfortunately I don't think you can suggest she should be considerate toward you personally (pick up meals, etc.) but I wish she would think of it on her own!
I was a little unclear on whether she paid for any of the gas on your last trip or not. She definitely needs to contribute.
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Post by susans sister on Jul 30, 2014 23:26:16 GMT
If she has always paid for half the gas on your previous trips perhaps she is experiencing financial problems right now.
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Post by gmcwife1 on Jul 30, 2014 23:28:44 GMT
Also, when you go out to eat, make sure you ask for separate checks. I'm sorry you are feeling used and it seems like she is taking advantage of you
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Post by Darcy Collins on Jul 30, 2014 23:37:20 GMT
If she usually pays for gas and meals, but didn't on this trip, I'd wonder if something has changed financially. I don't think it's ever too late to change the dynamics of a friendship. Before the next trip, I would just have a frank conversation with her about what you would like her to contribute and if she agrees. It doesn't have to be mean spirited: Dear friend Moocher, as the last trip to Timbuktu was so long, it really made me think about the wear and tear on my car, as well as the additional expenses of parking etc. Do you think for the trip you can pay for gas and your own meals? Or whatever it is you want from her. She may fess up to not being able to contribute, and you'll have to decide if you're willing to continue driving knowing that she can't contribute as much as you feel is fair.
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ddly
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,019
Jul 10, 2014 19:36:28 GMT
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Post by ddly on Jul 30, 2014 23:38:00 GMT
Fair is her being honest if she can't afford the trip. You should not have been paying for her meal without knowing ahead of time. That wasn't kind of her.
if I knew my friend had little to contribute, I'd gladly shoulder the expense to enjoy her company if I knew that was the case.
i think you need to ask next time if she can help with gas and pay for her meals. Maybe let her know you can't take care of all expenses.
Lisa D.
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Post by myshelly on Jul 30, 2014 23:39:48 GMT
I have one friend who really doesn't like to drive. I always pick her up when we go out and she always pays for my Starbucks in the morning and then our meal. It usually works out in my favor - we go to some pretty expensive restaurants The one time we went on a road trip together I drove and she paid for our shared hotel room. This arrangement is fine with me.
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Post by freecharlie on Jul 30, 2014 23:45:14 GMT
Hey, I don't mind driving, but I would like help with gas.
Or, I'd really like to go on this trip, but the gas isn't in the budget right now.
If it were one of my friends, it would be more like:
Hey friend, how about you pitch in since I'm driving and using my car.
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Post by myboysnme on Jul 30, 2014 23:56:27 GMT
Thank you for taking time to give your ideas. I will try some of them in the mirror so to speak and see if I can get comfortable saying them.
I know it is my fault for letting it go on so long as though I was Ok with it, but I'm older now and I got really tired and achy after this last trip and ended up sleeping half a day to recover. I'd love to ride as a passenger and get dropped off at my house, but it doesn't seem like that's an option, so I have some decisions to make.
Thank you for this, Darcy "I don't think it's ever too late to change the dynamics of a friendship."
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Post by smokeynspike on Jul 31, 2014 0:40:20 GMT
Does she not like driving long distances? I know I abhor driving long distances, and I consider anything longer than a couple of hours a long distance. LOL I am all good paying for half the gas, covering my own meals, and half of a hotel room though. I just don't want to drive. I'd rather fly than drive the six hours to Vegas, for example. Melissa
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Post by peasful1 on Jul 31, 2014 0:47:30 GMT
My 16 year old went up north about 2 hours away with 4 other friends for the day last weekend. Every one of those kids gave the driver money for gas. Just to give you an idea. In fact, one kid drove up and the other kid (university student) drove home so the car's owner didn't get stuck driving both ways.
Your friend is a mooch. I don't blame you for being irritated. I think you'll have to say, "I need x amount of money for gas" if she brings up riding with you again and as someone else mentioned when sitting down to order, tell the server that you want separate tabs.
I have no problem paying for a friend who is in a bind. What I do have a problem with is paying for someone who just assumes I will pay for her food and gas without even offering up a single dollar or a single explanation.
I discovered that for me? All I need is an offer of assistance to feel like we are Even Steven. If someone never offers to help out, never offers to drive, never offers to help pay, well then it feels like I'm being taken advantage of and unappreciated.
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purplebee
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,792
Jun 27, 2014 20:37:34 GMT
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Post by purplebee on Jul 31, 2014 1:24:43 GMT
I am a nervous driver, especially with others in the car, and even more so at night because I have trouble seeing. I can definitely get myself where I need to go, and occasionally take my turn, but I do not enjoy driving, never have. My friends and family know this.
However, both my sisters and one friend in particular want to drive. They are a teensey bit control freaks, at least concerning driving, so this makes us all happy. But whenever I am not driving, I always offer gas money, and if there is just two of us, insist on buying lunch if we are out shopping. When I fly home to visit, and my sis does most of the driving, I give her money for gas at the start of the visit.
I have a coworker who does drive quite capably, but is extremely tight and never offers to drive or contribute for gas when my coworkers go out as a group for dinner or shopping, there are 5 of us who do this. She doesn't drive, but drives us crazy......
Good friends with good manners do not mooch.
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Post by kristi on Jul 31, 2014 1:44:38 GMT
You should ask for separate checks.
You can tell her what time your leaving & have her come to your house or have someone drop her of.
I understand she is not pulling her weight but do you enjoy her company? Do you want to go by yourself! That would impact my decision. If you are going anyways without her, you are going to be out the gas money. While she should be offering you gas & food, maybe she is having $ problems. I think you can tell her up front what it will cost for gas & let her know you'd be happy to split it if she wants to go.
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Post by melanell on Jul 31, 2014 1:53:49 GMT
Perhaps the next time mention is made of a trip you can tell her that you are concerned about the travel costs and see if she is willing to discuss ahead of time how things will be divided. If not, then I really think I'd just tell her you need a break from all the traveling for awhile.
Hugs!
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Post by anniefb on Jul 31, 2014 1:57:37 GMT
For several years I did a lot of vacations with one friend. She always wanted to drive which was fine with me, but I paid for most of the gas and we always split the cost of meals etc. If we took other people out, then we'd split the cost. I agree you do need to say something in advance of another trip.
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Post by Goldynn on Jul 31, 2014 2:16:36 GMT
I can understand maybe not wanting to drive in a strange town, but why can't she ever drive on a highway? That's usually fairly straight-forward and easy to do. I don't see why she can't EVER do a little driving.
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Post by CarolT on Jul 31, 2014 2:24:46 GMT
I'm usually the driver within my group of friends - mainly because they all have young kids and leave the "big" car at home for their husbands and kids while they're gone. I have a large vehicle and my kids are grown, so we take my car.
Our trips are usually about 3-4 hours away, and it's usually 4 of us traveling together. We usually go away for 3 days, and I don't pay for my meals all weekend. If we go further away (once it was 6 hours each way), my friends cover my share of the hotel as well. They all appreciate my willingness to drive, and I appreciate them acknowledging my expenses and "inconvenience".
In your case, I wouldn't suggest another trip with her, but if she does (and you want to go), I would say "I would love to go, but I need to mind my budget, especially since gas is so high these days. Can you cover $X in gas expenses?" And as far as meals go, I would ask for separate checks as soon as you sit down. If you are going to stay in a hotel, I would say "the hotel will be $X each, is that OK with you?".
By the way, if I was traveling with you, and you drove and we stayed with YOUR relative (so I didn't even have to pay for a hotel), I would have been the one to pick up the dinner bill for you and your host - and I would have paid for all of the gas!
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Post by mztfied on Jul 31, 2014 3:09:46 GMT
I wouldn't have any problem being right up front about the costs. Say what needs to be said long before you hit the road. I would be so thrilled to find someone to travel with and split the cost and driving. Sounds like you are being taken advantage of. Not fair to you.
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eastcoastpea
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,252
Jun 27, 2014 13:05:28 GMT
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Post by eastcoastpea on Jul 31, 2014 3:36:29 GMT
I don't mind driving people around the surrounding area. I don't like driving other people long distance. I ask drivers how much they would like for me to pay or I pay for a fill up at the gas station before or after the trip for something like a trip to the beach.
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Post by bebe on Jul 31, 2014 4:04:01 GMT
My friend and I travel for our hobby too--we take turns with our cars. She drives hers one time and we take my car the next, but she drives it. She likes to drive more than I do and drives in traffic each day and is more accustomed to it than I am. We each pay for the gas for our own car. We split the cost of our food and if we eat out we pay separately, well, most of the time occasionally one of us will pay for both,but sometimes it's me, sometimes her. If we go in my car I drive to her house and pick her up, if we go in hers she comes here and picks me up--we have a great friendship. Your "friend" is using you. I would do like others have suggested and maybe be a little hesitant to go due to cost of gas, etc and see how she reacts.
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fastmommie
Shy Member
Posts: 16
Jun 28, 2014 18:20:18 GMT
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Post by fastmommie on Jul 31, 2014 4:17:29 GMT
My friend and I make a 14 hr (one way) drive to/from Ohio every couple of years. I do NOT drive, she does all the driving. Driving makes me very car sick. She loves to drive without distractions and I read or sleep the whole way. We use my vehicle, and we take turns paying for fill ups along the way. Our food and hotel checks are split. We've done this several times now, and it works out well for us. I'm excited that we get to go again in October. I agree that your friend is mooching, and you will need to address it. good luck.
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craftchickapowpow
Full Member
My Circus My Monkeys
Posts: 206
Jun 26, 2014 16:12:18 GMT
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Post by craftchickapowpow on Jul 31, 2014 4:25:26 GMT
I would be straight up next time and lay out my expectations before the car pulled out of the driveway. Dinners are seperate checks. Gas is her responsibility and I will supply the car and be the driver. Hotels will either be split or rooms will be seperate. Any mutual friends who will be treated to a meal will be split between the two of us. If we stayed with my family/friends I wouldn't expect her to pay any extra or treat me to a meal but if we took the host out I would expect her to pay 1/2 and I'd pay 1/2. If she didn't agree I wouldn't go with her again. Life is too short to be irritated on what is supposed to be a fun trip.
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stepht5
Shy Member
Posts: 39
Jul 2, 2014 23:43:49 GMT
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Post by stepht5 on Jul 31, 2014 4:26:33 GMT
Her car needs to be used next time, even if you're the one driving it!
And she needs to always pay for at least half the gas expenses.
Stephanie in TX
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Jul 31, 2014 4:51:10 GMT
She needs to do her share.
Next time you ask her, make it a stipulation of going together that she pays half of everything, and drives at least some.
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anniebygaslight
Drama Llama
I'd love a cup of tea. #1966
Posts: 7,402
Location: Third Rock from the sun.
Jun 28, 2014 14:08:19 GMT
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Post by anniebygaslight on Jul 31, 2014 6:07:05 GMT
I never mind being the driver ln this sort of trip. Less chance of feeling travel sick! If you find it too tiring, then she needs to be aware.
She should be paying for at least half the petrol and her own meals. She should also be treating you to something extra by way of a huge thank you.
If her financial situation has changed, then that is a shame, but she should be cutting her coat according to her cloth, and not embarking on the journey with the expectation of a freebie. Friends don't do that.
I would have an honest word with her, and tell her that you are unable to stand the cost of petrol, meals, parking and tolls entirely. It will have to be 50/50. The wear and tear on the car is a difficult one to factor into the equation, as if you would be going anyway, it would still happen.
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Post by 950nancy on Jul 31, 2014 6:14:35 GMT
My good friend and I went to New York this summer for 11 days. We both threw $100 in a common envelope. As we traveled and took taxis, we used the $. When we got home the cash paid for my gas, the tolls, and Denver parking. It was perfect and no one felt slighted.
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Post by kristalina on Jul 31, 2014 7:06:04 GMT
"Friend, I'd love to go but do you mind if we take your car this time? We've really racked up some miles on mine on these trips!" You'll probably have to offer to drive it, just ask her to drive to your house to pick you up and you'll drive from there. Plus "I noticed you weren't kicking in for gas last time, everything ok financially?
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