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Post by beanbuddymom on Apr 22, 2016 14:04:34 GMT
I am trying to process my emotions today - Externally I have to "chill out" because I know my DD just doesn't need to see this behavior from me, but internally I am screaming. Last year (this is all HS btw) she was part of a group of friends - I should really say "Friends" because they were really not behaving in what I thought nor my DD thought as friend like behavior. Passive aggressive side comments/tweets, putting her down when she was feeling good about herself, and manipulating situations such as when a boy liked her getting into the middle of that causing the boy to back off - stuff like that - just mean. Finally DD had had enough, and after what I call the straw the broke the camel's back moment, when one of them tried to manipulate a situation by causing trouble with another friend, she just said "DONE' - completely called them out on their behavior and said she was done with all of them. Blocked them on social media, completely switched sports to avoid them, and joined another group of friends. All was good. The rest of the school really hasn't wanted much to do with most of these girls, and the leader I like to call her, is especially vain and manipulative. Last year was pretty harsh for her because she no longer had DD to boss around and manipulate - she basically lost her favorite play thing. This school year all started out good, much better than last year. New sports, new group of friends - both groups stayed away from each other and the comments back and forth had long since stopped and we carried on with life. And I thought I had finally taught DD that she could avoid "mean girls" because "mean girls never win." And then the good things started happening. Over. And over. And over. NOT to my DD, but to this mean girl. DD applied herself and lost out, each time. This other girl on the other hand won out every time. Awards, etc from teachers, coaches, etc. For what, being a mean person that none of the girls in her class want to be around? She has 2 friends and no one else wants anything else to do with her. Her picture is all over the school website for this reason or that and I am just beside myself. Mean girls don't get rewarded, what is happening?!! Today I found out she was accepted into a program that typically would not allow her because of her age. But apparently RULES DON'T APPLY to mean girls, or this one I guess - how do teachers and coaches not see what we all see? Why would they reward that behavior??!! I'm just tired of it. Done. And I need to calm my inner voice screaming "It's not fair!" and just get over it. I need to find out how to process this when my DD plays by the rules, does what she needs to do and loses and people like this come out ahead. ETA: I am extremely proud of my DD and have tried to focus on the good things that have come from this year and believe me, I am sooo proud of her - she basically did a complete 180 with her life and changed everything and has done well for the most part. I have not lost sight of that. I just would also like to see or show her that her making these changes have been a good thing, that she isn't missing out on this friend of hers and that this other girl/group were not a good group to be around. I tell her all the time how proud I am of her and that she made the right decision and praise her on HER good things. It would just be nice if I wasn't having to see my DD apply for something and get shown that other girl I guess "winning" at life right now instead of her. But I do praise her - this is mostly inner workings and after she goes to school the little mental tantrum I have in my head.
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Post by bigbundt on Apr 22, 2016 14:11:43 GMT
Life isn't fair and jerks still win at things. Be happy that although she isn't getting the same opportunities as the mean girl, you don't have a jerk for a daughter. And 20 years down the road no know will remember who got what prize in school but they will remember if someone was nice or an asshole.
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YooHoot
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,432
Jun 26, 2014 3:11:50 GMT
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Post by YooHoot on Apr 22, 2016 14:13:42 GMT
Life isn't fair and jerks still win at things. Be happy that although she isn't getting the same opportunities as the mean girl, you don't have a jerk for a daughter. And 20 years down the road no know will remember who got what prize in school but they will remember if someone was nice or an asshole. Exactly. I work with a mean girl. She's genuinely unhappy and really unpleasant. Nobody invites her anywhere because she truly is a downer.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Sept 30, 2024 0:26:19 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 22, 2016 14:15:13 GMT
Life isn't fair and jerks still win at things. Be happy that although she isn't getting the same opportunities as the mean girl, you don't have a jerk for a daughter. And 20 years down the road no know will remember who got what prize in school but they will remember if someone was nice or an asshole. Yup. Mean girls - and guys - most definitely DO win things. But there is a lot more to life than winning and in the long run, your DD will be infinitely better off because she will have people who care about her and want to be around her.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Apr 22, 2016 14:17:26 GMT
I would bet the teachers, coaches, etc. that are rewarding the mean girl don't see it because she is probably going all Eddie Haskell on them and putting on a show--talking sweet and acting like an innocent goody-two-shoes in front of the teacher while being a wicked little thing to all of her peers when the grownups backs are turned. I saw it all.the.time. at the private school I went to from 1st-7th grade. The mean kids would be a holy terror to other kids out on the playground (especially the younger, weaker, smaller, less-liked ones), but in the classroom they would be the ones opening doors for the nuns. And if anyone tattled, not only would no one believe the tattler but there would be even more hell to pay the next day from the mean kid, so no one ever said anything. We had to just sort things out on our own. It stinks.
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Post by beanbuddymom on Apr 22, 2016 14:17:37 GMT
Life isn't fair and jerks still win at things. Be happy that although she isn't getting the same opportunities as the mean girl, you don't have a jerk for a daughter. And 20 years down the road no know will remember who got what prize in school but they will remember if someone was nice or an asshole. You are so right, that's a great outlook to have. With me being a scrapbooker I focus a lot on pictures of the good things in our lives so I guess that's sidetracked me a bit I guess, seeing those photos online - so thank you for that refocus.
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Post by beanbuddymom on Apr 22, 2016 14:19:58 GMT
I would bet the teachers, coaches, etc. that are rewarding the mean girl don't see it because she is probably going all Eddie Haskell on them and putting on a show--talking sweet and acting like an innocent goody-two-shoes in front of the teacher while being a wicked little thing to all of her peers when the grownups backs are turned. I saw it all.the.time. at the private school I went to from 1st-7th grade. The mean kids would be a holy terror to other kids out on the playground (especially the younger, weaker, smaller, less-liked ones), but in the classroom they would be the ones opening doors for the nuns. And if anyone tattled, not only would no one believe the tattler but there would be even more hell to pay the next day from the mean kid, so no one ever said anything. We had to just sort things out on our own. It stinks. Yes I think that's exactly what happens - I used to see it all the time at practices etc last year and I think she does a good job with teachers as well. I guess that's true I just don't know how people - adults - don't see through that kind of behavior.
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Post by beanbuddymom on Apr 22, 2016 14:27:48 GMT
Life isn't fair and jerks still win at things. Be happy that although she isn't getting the same opportunities as the mean girl, you don't have a jerk for a daughter. And 20 years down the road no know will remember who got what prize in school but they will remember if someone was nice or an asshole. Exactly. I work with a mean girl. She's genuinely unhappy and really unpleasant. Nobody invites her anywhere because she truly is a downer. Yeah this girl smiles all the time so you think she is a pleasant Snow White. But she's really - I mean, I'm almost impressed with the level of manipulation and the calculating that I have experienced/seen from that girl, it's just unreal. But you're right, when she gets out into the "real world" she may have a boss that she can charm but she won't be winning any awards with coworkers, that is for sure.
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Post by beanbuddymom on Apr 22, 2016 14:31:38 GMT
Life isn't fair and jerks still win at things. Be happy that although she isn't getting the same opportunities as the mean girl, you don't have a jerk for a daughter. And 20 years down the road no know will remember who got what prize in school but they will remember if someone was nice or an asshole. Yup. Mean girls - and guys - most definitely DO win things. But there is a lot more to life than winning and in the long run, your DD will be infinitely better off because she will have people who care about her and want to be around her. Thank you - I guess I need to stop saying the motto of mean girls don't win then, I guess, ha ha - yes she is very loved, and many people have come up to her this year and said they were happy she was part of their group now, and she was nicer than they thought - and that when she was part of that other group everyone perceived them as not nice people - so I am glad she is part of a new group now, and just much happier. It's still hard when it comes to boys because no matter what happens, this other girl still is able to work her charms on whatever boy is interested on DD - and literally takes them away every time - but hopefully at some point that behavior will stop and DD will find a boy immune to this other girls' behavior. Maybe from another school I guess?!
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bethany102399
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,619
Oct 11, 2014 3:17:29 GMT
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Post by bethany102399 on Apr 22, 2016 14:31:43 GMT
Like the others I work with a mean girl. She's rewarded and beloved by everyone above her, and despised by everyone below her. It's just the way it is. This year I watched her and another co-worker receive a major bonus for producing a product the rest of us feel actually embarasses our organization it's so poorly done. They've totally snowed management into believing everything they do is gold.
All you can do is say the Karma train is coming to town, and try to stay away from the manipulation. Yes, it sucks but that's the way life goes sometimes. Mean girls get rewarded but smart girls know when to change THEIR OWN circumstances, as it sounds like your DD has done.
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Post by beanbuddymom on Apr 22, 2016 14:34:53 GMT
Like the others I work with a mean girl. She's rewarded and beloved by everyone above her, and despised by everyone below her. It's just the way it is. This year I watched her and another co-worker receive a major bonus for producing a product the rest of us feel actually embarasses our organization it's so poorly done. They've totally snowed management into believing everything they do is gold. All you can do is say the Karma train is coming to town, and try to stay away from the manipulation. Yes, it sucks but that's the way life goes sometimes. Mean girls get rewarded but smart girls know when to change THEIR OWN circumstances, as it sounds like your DD has done. Love that, thank you! And thanks for the coworker story as well - ! So amazing!
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peppermintpatty
Pearl Clutcher
Refupea #1345
Posts: 3,946
Jun 26, 2014 17:47:08 GMT
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Post by peppermintpatty on Apr 22, 2016 14:45:07 GMT
Just remember, Karma is a bitch and eventually something WILL come back and bite her in the ass and when it does, everyone will see/know.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Apr 22, 2016 14:45:57 GMT
I would bet the teachers, coaches, etc. that are rewarding the mean girl don't see it because she is probably going all Eddie Haskell on them and putting on a show--talking sweet and acting like an innocent goody-two-shoes in front of the teacher while being a wicked little thing to all of her peers when the grownups backs are turned. I saw it all.the.time. at the private school I went to from 1st-7th grade. The mean kids would be a holy terror to other kids out on the playground (especially the younger, weaker, smaller, less-liked ones), but in the classroom they would be the ones opening doors for the nuns. And if anyone tattled, not only would no one believe the tattler but there would be even more hell to pay the next day from the mean kid, so no one ever said anything. We had to just sort things out on our own. It stinks. Yes I think that's exactly what happens - I used to see it all the time at practices etc last year and I think she does a good job with teachers as well. I guess that's true I just don't know how people - adults - don't see through that kind of behavior. The teachers don't see it because they don't WANT to see it. It's easy for them to buy into what this girl is selling, so they do.
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Apr 22, 2016 15:04:43 GMT
I would say two things.
1. Mean girls don't win in the long run. It can seem like they do.. but they don't. Just wait.
2. You and your daughter need to not be invested in her outcomes. The recognition that someone else gets their outcomes, have nothing to do with you or your daughter. Let that shit go! Focus on her goals and accomplishments. Teach your daughter not to compare herself, or care what others do or think. She'll be much better for it.
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Post by auntkelly on Apr 22, 2016 15:05:38 GMT
I doubt if the mean girl has thought much about your daughter since your daughter left her group and found new friends. I'm almost positive she hasn't thought of you at all. Yet you are making her an important part of your life, and it is a part of your life that you cannot control.
Try and accept the fact that good things and bad things are going to happen to this girl and she'll probably never give you or your daughter another thought. She will probably never be sorry for the way she treated your daughter and you have absolutely no control over that.
I really do have empathy for you, because I've had similar feelings about people. It seems like only nice people should get ahead in life, and people should have to pay for being mean and cruel to others, but that is not the case at all. Just try and remind yourself that you have no control over what happens to the mean girl, but you do have control over your own life and that is what is important.
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Post by mikklynn on Apr 22, 2016 15:13:22 GMT
Life isn't fair and jerks still win at things. Be happy that although she isn't getting the same opportunities as the mean girl, you don't have a jerk for a daughter. And 20 years down the road no know will remember who got what prize in school but they will remember if someone was nice or an asshole. Yup. Mean girls - and guys - most definitely DO win things. But there is a lot more to life than winning and in the long run, your DD will be infinitely better off because she will have people who care about her and want to be around her. Exactly. It happens in the corporate world, too. The very large corporation I work for rewards backstabbing and ladder climbing. The mean girls/boys win promotions.
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Post by 950nancy on Apr 22, 2016 15:19:45 GMT
The situation sucks. Thankfully high school will be over soon and she won't need to deal with this particular girl anymore, Hopefully she learned something about the world and herself in these interactions. It sounds like she did. Kids do act very differently in class, for sure. I loved sitting down to a conference with a glowing report and the parent seemed dumbfounded, It happens all of the time. If you think back to your mean girl in high school, do you know where she is? I catch some things on FB from mutual friends once in a while that were posted from our mean girl. She is still living her life and making comments like she did 35 years ago. She and I never really interacted much, so I don't have a bone to pick with her, but I can see that she isn't very happy and even though she paints a nice picture of her accomplishments, she really isn't very happy in life. Your daughter gets to win at life. That is the best win of all.
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Post by pierkiss on Apr 22, 2016 15:45:38 GMT
How intertwined is her family with the school personnel? Are they close? Do they donate a lot of time or money? Not that it really matters. You need to let this stuff go. Ignore her and her accomplishments. You are just going to drive yourself crazy and to the point of doing something really stupid, like making a fuss at the school because your kid didn't win, but yet this terrible kid always wins. Nobody wants to see that. Just ignore it. It's high school. It will be over soon enough, and you'll never have to deal with her or her behavior and/or accomplishments again. Focus on your kid and the great things she does and the great choices she is making. That's all you can do.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Sept 30, 2024 0:26:19 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 22, 2016 15:50:39 GMT
2. You and your daughter need to not be invested in her outcomes. The recognition that someone else gets their outcomes, have nothing to do with you or your daughter. Let that shit go! Focus on her goals and accomplishments. Teach your daughter not to compare herself, or care what others do or think. She'll be much better for it. Amen! You said exactly what I was gonna say. Dude, STOP OBSESSING over this other kid. It's her life. And she has parents that are probably very proud of her accomplishments. You have one perspective of her, other people obviously have a different one. You know that saying, "Comparison is the thief of joy"? Take that to heart. Your daughter sounds like she is doing great and you are right to be proud of her. The rest is just distracting BS. (PS - I had a similar situation with my oldest. One of the teacher's kids was a total bitch. The whole world knew it. But she won soooo many different accolades. Drove us crazy for awhile. But my daughter was great at letting it go and focused on herself. Guess who ended up Valedictorian? My kid. Heehee.)
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mallie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,253
Jul 3, 2014 18:13:13 GMT
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Post by mallie on Apr 22, 2016 16:01:27 GMT
Just remember, Karma is a bitch and eventually something WILL come back and bite her in the ass and when it does, everyone will see/know. That idea may make people feel better, but it is simply not true. TBH, I think it is that thirst for justice/revenge, is what encourages us to focus on the mean girl's life, when it would be healthier to ignore them.
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MizIndependent
Drama Llama
Quit your bullpoop.
Posts: 5,836
Jun 25, 2014 19:43:16 GMT
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Post by MizIndependent on Apr 22, 2016 16:10:39 GMT
Of course mean girls never win...but that doesn't mean they don't get ahead in life.
These kinds of people are often quite successful but it's their total lack of empathy and conscience that allows them to step all over decent people and obtain. This is not to say that only these kinds of people succeed - far from it, but I think it's important to really understand what real winning is and what it's not.
Not winning means:
-Not having fulfilling relationships with family, friends, s/o's -Not really enjoying what you have because you are always trying to get more -Not being able to appreciate or be grateful -Not being able to empathize -Never seeing the best in others or have the ability to bring out the best in others (living a contentious life)
Your DD is light years ahead of this girl and is probably having a very fulfilling life, you should be very proud you've raised such a caring, intelligent person.
This mean girl is stuck with herself for the rest of her life if she doesn't figure it out. That's punishment enough all on it's own.
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Post by colleen on Apr 22, 2016 16:23:38 GMT
I think your original premise is flawed: mean people do win, all the time. And it sucks. But nice people can win too -- and have good relationships and self-esteem too!
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Post by epeanymous on Apr 22, 2016 16:23:57 GMT
1. Comparison is the thief of joy. It's hard not to compare when your daughter and this girl are in the running for the same things, but focus on your daughter rather than how she is treated in comparison to this other girl.
2. Life is long, and we are also sometimes wrong about people. We also all go a bit bitch eating crackers on people who we label as problematic. I'd try not to invest too much here. You may have the wrong picture of this girl. You may have a picture of this girl that is only partially right. You may have had an entirely accurate picture, but she may have changed. And both she and her life may change in the future.
3. She may be evaluated on an axis other than niceness -- and forgive me for this, but I don't think boys generally have to contend with "but he isn't a nice guy!" when they receive various awards and accolades, at least not to the same degree and in the same way.
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Post by beanbuddymom on Apr 22, 2016 16:35:41 GMT
Thank you all you have helped me put things in a different light and some great sayings too, I'd never heard that saying about comparison being the thief of joy, what a great one!! I'm going to go to work on getting some great photos printed of DD and the rest of the family to focus on tonight and this weekend - the focus on what's really important and should be important in my life - Thank you all so much, I feel so much better - I'll admit I was in a bit of a vent/tear/childish mode and I know some adult perspective would be all I needed and I thank you. It's so hard being an adult and a mother sometimes, ha ha. But I am grateful for the great support and wisdom imparted here!
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PaperAngel
Prolific Pea
Posts: 7,799
Jun 27, 2014 23:04:06 GMT
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Post by PaperAngel on Apr 22, 2016 16:46:31 GMT
[WARNING: pop psychology ahead] In my experience, people like the "mean girl" also live their adult lives as you described. They manipulate, lie, cheat, & disregard others to project a perfect image of themselves to the people with the power to give them the sought-after award, job, promotion, etc. (& after getting what they want, they often show blatant disrespect to the same people who just chose them.) Due to a laser-focus on image, their lives often lack substance. This void drives them to continually seek awards as a means for proving their worth & justifying their actions. Luckily, this girl is still a teen; perhaps not winning a certain award or boy's affections &/or the power of hindsight will prompt her to change.
While I can understand your concern & frustration, I would focus only on your daughter. Ask her to self-reflect, determine why she befriended/identified with the "mean girls," list the reasons she left the group, & recognize that she is spending much more time focusing on this girl than this girl ever thought about her. Then, move on. IMHO this helps her grow & shape who she is/will be as an adult. HTH & best wishes!
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raindancer
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,095
Jun 26, 2014 20:10:29 GMT
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Post by raindancer on Apr 22, 2016 16:58:22 GMT
1. Comparison is the thief of joy. It's hard not to compare when your daughter and this girl are in the running for the same things, but focus on your daughter rather than how she is treated in comparison to this other girl. 2. Life is long, and we are also sometimes wrong about people. We also all go a bit bitch eating crackers on people who we label as problematic. I'd try not to invest too much here. You may have the wrong picture of this girl. You may have a picture of this girl that is only partially right. You may have had an entirely accurate picture, but she may have changed. And both she and her life may change in the future. 3. She may be evaluated on an axis other than niceness -- and forgive me for this, but I don't think boys generally have to contend with "but he isn't a nice guy!" when they receive various awards and accolades, at least not to the same degree and in the same way. I agree. Men don't have to be "nice" to be deserving of recognition for other accomplishments. If I earn an A in class, or I am the MVP for the team in a game, how is that relevant to how nice someone else judges me to be? You should not put that expectation on women either. Does being nice make a difference? Sure. I agree with the poster who said people will remember the a-holes, but not who got what awards in high school. Being slighted by people sucks in high school. It happens to everyone. And I'm willing to bet at some point your dd has been unkind or rude or some other thing to someone lower down the totem pole as her, because frankly, people are people. Even good, nice people sometimes are assholes to others. Even if it's not intentional. I think that it's likely you are projecting a bit, and also that you are biased. And while she may be a "mean" girl, and you may be right, I feel like especially when we are talking about kids (even kids in their teens) we need to remember that they are terrible decision makers and that they also are exceptionally self absorbed. So your daughter may be thinking it's about her, and it's really about the "mean" girl.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Apr 22, 2016 17:16:01 GMT
I think it's crazy to expect that mean girls never win. First off - I'll challenge the entire premise of a mean girl being a one dimensional caricature that only cares about making the people around them miserable. Sometimes they're also a talented athlete, artist, dancer... and yes sometimes they will be rewarded for the skill in that area and it has nothing to do with their interpersonal skills or lack thereof. It sucks when our kids are unhappy - and it particularly sucks when we see our kids being manipulated by others. But the positive thing to concentrate on is how our children react to these roadblocks. The idea that someone is mean to our kid and eventually their life will suck and they'll be eternally miserable is unrealistic - and frankly pretty screwed up. My daughter had a friendemy last year - someone who wanted to be her "friend" but worked really hard at making my daughter look bad - as at the heart of things she's terribly insecure. I was ecstatic when my daughter moved on from this girl. Last week this girl won a special award at the state science fair that my daughter thought she deserved. My daughter was to put it frankly, pissed. She was in this entire mindset of - how could something good happen to her when she's not nice. The reality is the girl did a good project and the judges neither know or care about whether she's a good friend. That's life - we can only control our own actions and how we let other people impact our life. I genuinely hope this girl goes on to grow up a whole lot and learn that she'll be a whole lot happier if she stops trying to make those around her unhappy - but I think a whole lot of people could learn that lesson.
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Post by Tamhugh on Apr 22, 2016 20:29:54 GMT
The teachers don't see it because they don't WANT to see it. It's easy for them to buy into what this girl is selling, so they do. This isn't always the case. The teachers are looking at what this child is doing in class. They may have no idea of what she is doing to the OP's DD or they might see a very different side to it. We had a girl in class a few years ago that seriously scared me. Her mom would call the school all the time to complain about the other kids being mean to her daughter and bullying her. This girl was literally the MEANEST girl I have ever seen. She would call her classmates fat, and the "r" word, and tell them how ugly they were. When she was called out on it, she insisted that it wasn't bullying if it was true. Her parents never believed any of it. The kids they accused of being bullies were usually the targets of their daughter from everything we witnessed. And to clarify, I am not in any way suggesting that is what is happening with OP's DD. I just wanted to point out that teachers aren't always clueless. They just experience a different side of things on occasion.
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scrapaddie
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,090
Jul 8, 2014 20:17:31 GMT
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Post by scrapaddie on Apr 22, 2016 20:35:09 GMT
Bullies typically hide their newness from teachers and act super nice towards them.... And they are good at it. I have been surprised more than once To learn that a Lovely young woman is not lovely at all!
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Post by christine58 on Apr 22, 2016 20:53:56 GMT
Today I found out she was accepted into a program that typically would not allow her because of her age. But apparently RULES DON'T APPLY to mean girls, or this one I guess - how do teachers and coaches not see what we all see? Why would they reward that behavior??!! Because this girl is a manipulator and it will catch up to her. I bet those teachers etc don't see that side of her nor do others comment to them about her.
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