Concept of "Losing Virginity"

I think it's outdated in the sense of having to marry a virgin or marry as a virgin. I think that sex is too important in a relationship to wait until you're legally bound to someone to find out that you are completely incompatible in bed. I also think that sex is something that isn't necessary to be exclusive to marriage, so it's an outdate concept in that sense. And that's really as deep as I can go this early in the morning, so I hope that makes sense.

I agree with your son. I dislike the notion of "purity" as it is frequently used, to mean someone who has not had sex. Someone who is sexually active is not "dirty" or "impure."

When I talked with my teen about sex, there was no discussion of "saving herself" or staying "pure." We talked instead about making healthy choices, putting her schoolwork and future opportunity first before any boy, the reality that birth control is not 100% effective, and that her dad and I will always love and support her. And I hope I conveyed to her that the discussion is always open if she has questions or if I feel something else needs to be said. I also made it clear to her that birth control will be provided for her, without shaming, should she need it.

That's it. The flip side if that is that while she's a young teen, we don't put her in situations where sex is a possibility. She isn't allowed to date at 13. Boyfriend sleepovers will never be allowed while she's a minor living at home. I know that when she's older we won't be able to control where she goes and who she is with, so we're going to use these next couple of years to make sure the messages about making responsible choices in all areas of her life are getting through.

This is a deep question....no pun intended.

I guess that when I was 18 losing my virginity was the whole penetration concept. Now times are changing in regards to a more open, and I hope accepting level of different sexual interests. (Yes, when I was 18 there were same sex relationships. It just wasn't as commonly discussed or seen.).

So having said that I would say that the term "losing your virginity" is dated. Sometimes it can be correlated to doing something for the first time. Meaning if I choose to interact with a woman for the first time, I lost my virginity in that new activity. Like getting your first tattoo.... Some people comment that I'm a virgin at this. So maybe dated isn't the word. Just evolving.

And even though it is changing, as life and times change. I still think it should be discussed. I will teach my sons about what being a virgin is and explain that once you lose it, you can't get it back. And because sex isn't just about penetration, it should be about attraction and respect for each other, that this isn't something you want to lose....just to lose.

And Id to say..... With this last post I am cruising to being a THROBBING MEMBER! Love it

I think the whole concept of virginity for females is and always was a method if control. Of course the traditional concept of how sacred virginity is for females and not so much for males is a bit barbaric if you ask me. I see no reason, especially with the invention if birth control, for females to 'have' to retain virginity any more than males should unless it is what they personally want.

To me, it goes hand in hand with other body choices. Your body your choice, as long as you are well informed and know the truth. Frankly, in today's society, in some areas, information about that topic is as hard to get and discuss as it was years ago. The amount of misinformation and lies told to teens in some places is astounding.

I have seen far too many young adults rush into a marriage that was not well thought out or a relationship that was not healthy because they had been told they must be married before they had sex. If a couple marries in their teens, before finishing college, the chances of either or both of them finishing plummets. I am not saying it never happens. There are those who will continue to pursue their educational goals after being married and even after having a baby. However, statistically speaking, it is far less likely to happen then if they postpone marriage until after they have completed their education. Based on that I have told my boys - age 14 - that I do not expect them to remain virgins until their wedding night. I do expect them to make intelligent decisions, to be in a relationship, not just a one night stand, and to be 100% certain that this is what both partners want. There should be no coercion on either side and they have just as much right to say no as the woman they are with.

I agree with this. I would add that the concept of virginity is independent of whatever your beliefs are regarding when and under what circumstances sex is o.k. I think you can teach that you should wait until marriage or until a certain age without using the concept of virginity.

DD is only 10yo but we have talked about sex and I have told her that sex is for adults and that she will probably starting thinking about it before it would be a healthy choice for her. I will be elaborating as she gets older but hope to avoid the idea of virginity, although I'm sure she will hear it from others around her.

I agree with your son.

I dislike the societal construct of virginity especially as it applies to women.

I hope my kids don't "wait" until marriage. That's not something I believe in or encourage.

I think mixing religious beliefs with sex is stupid and pointless and does much more harm than good.

I agree it's outdated, controlling, and can create a lot of emotional and psychological issues for people, particularly women, if they are raised believing they're somehow "less worthy" if they don't enter a marriage with their virginity intact. In the Mormon culture I was raised in we had Sunday lessons comparing those who had somehow slipped to "chewed gum" or "licked cupcakes". Not healthy or constructive teachings to be raising teens on.

My kids know I don't expect them to remain virgins until married. Our mantra is safe/responsible/consensual/legal, and we've discussed every aspect of that many times.

ETA: I have no problem with those who choose to remain virgins until marriage or whatever for their own personal reasons. My issues are with those who use the concepts of virginity and "purity" to control and guilt young people.

I don't know that I would call the concept of virginity outdated. But I don't find it useful.

I believe that sex is an expression of love, and is meant to bond a couple together. But I also believe it's meant to be shared between people in a permanent committed relationship. That's my belief and what I am teaching my child - that when you have sex with someone you are giving yourself as a gift, every time (not just the first time), and who you give that gift to and how matters.

For the most part, save some particular extremes, I think sexual "incompatibility" can be overcome by communication and by putting each other's needs as a top priority. I don't think I personally buy it as an argument.

I don't play the "what is sex and what isn't" semantic game. Intimate activity is intimate activity. Yes, lesbian sex is sex.

The reason I don't make the distinction is because I think it comes out of trying to figure out how far you can go before you are "breaking the rules". That's not a concept that I really believe in - one of my favorite teachers on this topic (Christopher West - a Catholic theologian) helpfully says that the converse question is "What sets me free to love as God intended?" I think when I was younger and trying to figure things out I was always trying to find the line marked "no" and now I understand that there is this really great "yes" I can live in with freedom and joy. In that context "losing virginity" is not really an important concept.

That's not to say it is not difficult and has not at times been costly on a personal level. Just that I have a different perspective after 15 years of marriage. The benefit of hindsight is pretty significant for me.

 I could not agree with Scrapower more, took the words right out of my mouth.

 With my now 20 year old DD, we never encouraged anything beyond being safe. As scrapower said, her sexuality is her own. We were always there to answer questions, but that's it. 

 And the purity crap, father owning the daughters sexuality. Ick doesn't even cover how I feel about all that. Just not right. 

I agree with your son and I'm more than a little impressed with the way that he articulated it. 

Don't get me wrong, I would much prefer that my kids not be sexually active until they have the emotional and physical maturity to deal with all of the possible consequences. But I don't see the benefit of hanging onto one's virginity for the sake of some outdated purity construct.

Just clicking the Like button wasn't enough for this. I needed to quote it because it so clearly mirrors my own feelings.