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Post by jeremysgirl on May 25, 2016 15:04:24 GMT
My DD is 16. She came to me last night and asked that I help her get some birth control. Her boyfriend and her are not having sex. She, at this point, has no plan to have sex anytime soon. But she was concerned that things might be heading in that direction in the future and she wants to be prepared. I have always been very open with my kids about sex. I have stressed that birth control is necessary and that condoms are too. She took me a little by surprise last night and I feel like there are things I should say to counsel her. I did stress that condoms are also necessary. I made the appointment for her this morning. It is next month. But in the meantime, I want to try to discuss this with her further. I am just not sure what to say outside of the things I have said to her over the years regarding sex. I stressed to her that just because she is on birth control, does not mean she should feel pressured to have sex. I am just having a lot of really mixed feelings about this. I mean, I had always said to my kids that when they were ready to have sex, I would help them get access to proper birth control. I mean, I'm glad she came to me. But, I am honestly terrified that she will do something before she's really emotionally ready to handle it. This is the part I'm trying to convey to her. I am looking for pea wisdom on how best to handle this situation.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on May 25, 2016 15:09:26 GMT
My DD is 19. As far as I know, she hasn't had sex yet. However, I am also very open with the kids about it. When she was in high school, she would talk about being a Friends With Benefits as no big deal and her friends seemed to think the same way.
I said she could do what she wants but also told her that she probably would care if the guy didn't call back the next day and only used her for sex. Sometimes, young women can think they can do "No Strings Attached" but at least for me, it's not quite that simple.
I would just let your DD know that she can come to you at anytime and advise her that she should be in a relationship first. However, being curious is normal and just proceed with caution. Too bad we can't protect them from getting their hearts broken.
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Post by Merge on May 25, 2016 15:51:47 GMT
Aaaaagh. I really hope and plan to be calm when this happens in my house, but I'm dreading it. My "perfect plan" advice is to keep reiterating that condoms are still necessary, and to remind her that even with birth control and condoms, sex is a big potential responsibility and emotional distraction, and that we would prefer that our girls keep their focus on their studies while they're in school.
Ultimately, though, if they're determined to have sex they're going to have it. I think that providing access to birth control and keeping the lines of communication open is the best we can do.
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Post by red88 on May 25, 2016 15:51:54 GMT
You have a great daughter, she came to you, to talk about her options! Kudos to you for a job well done. She seems like a very smart girl & I would trust her. You've said what you felt was right, I'm sure she listened. It is terrifying, but it will be okay. Hang in there, you are doing a great job with her.
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calgal08
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,519
Jun 27, 2014 15:43:46 GMT
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Post by calgal08 on May 25, 2016 15:58:26 GMT
What a great Mom you are!
I don't have girls, but a friend who does told me, when her girls reached 16 she had them go on the pill. Not because they were about to be sexually active, but, because when the times comes, in the heat of the moment they're not going to say to their boyfriend, just hold off for a month, I need to go on the pill. Better to be ahead of the game.
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Kerri W
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,788
Location: Kentucky
Jun 25, 2014 20:31:44 GMT
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Post by Kerri W on May 25, 2016 15:58:34 GMT
I am just having a lot of really mixed feelings about this. Deep breath mama. You're doing great! The fact that she came to you like she did proves that. When I talked to my DDs I stressed how to be healthy while having sex/taking care of yourself. I also talked to them about the fact that they are in control and their wants, needs and desires are just as important. That sex should be a good experience for both of them. We talked about not taking that step until you were relatively sure of where your relationship was but it also didn't mean or have to mean that this was the person you were going to spend your whole life with. Pretty much the exact opposite of what my mother told me and what my friends have all said they were going to tell their DDs.
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Post by Darcy Collins on May 25, 2016 16:11:49 GMT
I'm going to watching this thread for advice from peas with older daughters. My instinct says that the less we say, the more apt our children are to lesson, so I'd tread carefully on offering too much advice - however well intentioned.
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Post by gar on May 25, 2016 16:15:40 GMT
BTDT and remember the mixed emotions. Lets face it, they'll always be our little girls (or boys) but nothing you can say now will change anything. Congratulate yourself on what you've successfully done, remind her of a few salient facts which it sounds as though you're already doing, then put it to the back of your mind if you can
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Post by jeremysgirl on May 25, 2016 16:42:49 GMT
I'm going to watching this thread for advice from peas with older daughters. My instinct says that the less we say, the more apt our children are to lesson, so I'd tread carefully on offering too much advice - however well intentioned. This is the trick. When something like this happens, you run through your mind everything that you have tried to convey to them over the years hoping you didn't miss some crucial lesson. It's just so hard to try to convey to someone that sex changes a relationship and changes your feelings towards the person. I want her to feel empowered to make good choices without risking that I say too much and she won't come to me in the future.
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Post by lisacharlotte on May 25, 2016 16:52:48 GMT
I only have a son. I drilled into his head while driving him to school (captive audience!) the importance of condoms. I also talked a lot about STDs and that you can't "tell" by looking at someone. Sometimes kids are stupid and think if someone is "hot" they can't have an STD. I had cervical cancer from HPV. I was very open with my son where it comes from and the risks involved. When he joined the Army I told him my experience being young in the military. I also talked about girls looking to use him to get away from where they were. This is so common and causes a lot of heartache for all involved eventually. It's only gets worse with children involved.
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Post by scrappersue on May 25, 2016 16:56:13 GMT
When I recently switched doctors (mine moved) I talked to her about birth control for my daughter (she was 16) - mostly I wanted to hear what was the latest and greatest since it had been many years since I was up on that stuff. She told me in her house when her daughters turned 16 they went on birth control. After asking around at work it seemed that many of my coworkers daughters were on birth control. When I talked to my DD who had a serious boyfriend she said they were not having sex yet, but wanted to think about birth control. We put her on bc pills. It was good to have the conversation. She told me that a lot of her friends were having sex - don't know why this shocked me, but it did. She hangs with the good student/athlete type of kids. I feel that we have an open communication on the subject now. Good Luck - teenage daughters are sometimes stressful
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Post by smalltowngirlie on May 25, 2016 17:02:30 GMT
When talking to my DS about issues like this I try to ask him questions for by better understanding. The questions I think about are:
How do you think you will know when you are ready? How does your boyfriend/girlfriend feel about this? Are you comfortable discussing this with them? No BC is 100% effective, if you became pregnant how would you feel, how might your life change, etc.?
I do not try to put my ideas or judgment in there. I stress that these are things he/she needs to think about and discuss with their partner.
You are doing something right since she came to you with this. No matter what we do they just continue to grow up, don't they.
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Post by 950nancy on May 25, 2016 17:06:50 GMT
I love that she listened to you about preventative measures. Huge plus! While the thought of her having her heart broken sounds awful, put it in perspective. Many people go through that and come out on the other side a better person and smarter when it comes to love. Keeping that in perspective, coming home pregnant at 16 or with and STD, would be much, much harder to deal with. I don't know if I agree with the talking less to your kids about sex. Sometimes that isn't effective at all. I am glad I talked to my boys a lot. While they acted like they knew it all, they needed to hear things about the many facets of sex. After her appointment, I would take her out to dinner and have a short list of things you want to say and then remind her your ear is always available. I think that is the best we can do. I know the studies in my state with birth control have showed that it definitely lowers the percent of unwanted pregnancies as compared to teaching abstinence.
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Post by Darcy Collins on May 25, 2016 17:21:19 GMT
I love that she listened to you about preventative measures. Huge plus! While the thought of her having her heart broken sounds awful, put it in perspective. Many people go through that and come out on the other side a better person and smarter when it comes to love. Keeping that in perspective, coming home pregnant at 16 or with and STD, would be much, much harder to deal with. I don't know if I agree with the talking less to your kids about sex. Sometimes that isn't effective at all. I am glad I talked to my boys a lot. While they acted like they knew it all, they needed to hear things about the many facets of sex. After her appointment, I would take her out to dinner and have a short list of things you want to say and then remind her your ear is always available. I think that is the best we can do. I know the studies in my state with birth control have showed that it definitely lowers the percent of unwanted pregnancies as compared to teaching abstinence. Oh don't misunderstand me - it's not at all that I'm suggesting not to talk to your kids about sex! I started those conversations young and talk OFTEN. It's that often in the heat of the moment when one of my kids come to me on any subject, I have to fight my urge to talk and talk and talk and not listen. And particularly on a subject like sex, I can only imagine being in the OP's shoes and wanting to re-convey every warning, conversation and in general talk way more than listen. I think at that point it becomes less effective. I think reiterating the key safety and health messages make sense. But for me personally, I wouldn't try and also convey how the relationships will change and how she might get her heart broken - unless SHE brings up something in that vein. I think at that point there's a risk of tuning you out and missing the important health and safety stuff. But as I mentioned in my post - my daughter is young, I'm flying blind here.
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Post by AN on May 25, 2016 17:27:19 GMT
I have no input on the discussion, but can I just recommend Nexplanon as an amazing option? Lowest failure rate, not dependent on taking pulls, lower hormones than the pill, lasts 3 years. Many people recommend iuds for teens for those reasons, but I'm not a big fan of the idea metal/pokey plastic all up in my uterus (even though they are incredibly safe). Nexplanon is more effective than any other form of birth control, INCLUDING sterilization. Which is insane. And it reverses as soon as it is removed.
You can research Nexplanon, biggest downside is it can cause breakthrough or irregular/unpredictable bleeding. Anecdotally, my doctor told me if you have it put in the first 5 days of your period, she has seen less issues with irregular bleeding. My doc and most of her nurses used it themselves. Don't confuse it with Norplant, not the same even though both are arm implants. Nexplanon is very popular in the UK, and I was really frustrated when I learned about it and asked why no one had ever informed me about it, even when I pressed for options. It was always "pill, depo, or IUD."
I'm on my second nexplanon and love it. No periods for 6 -12 months for me, then they go regular just like with the pill or when I'm not on anything. My doctor said because of the low dose of hormones, she has no issue leaving women on it up until 50 and then starts testing for menopause. Not relevant to your dd, but just sharing in terms of safety. It can be expensive, but if you are on an ACA compliant Healthcare plan, it is covered. I'm on a grandfathered plan where birth control is not covered and paid about $800 out of pocket for it. Worth every penny and cheaper than the pill over 3 years. I actually had my second one put in at Planned Parenthood because I was in a new area and wanted to go to someone who had put in lots of them. Stellar experience there. If she gets it, have her wear an ace bandage around her upper arm for a couple days to minimize bruising, makes a big difference. Mostly painless though!! Can you tell I love this thing?
I know this isn't what you asked, but I just had to share because I was so so mad I didn't know about it sooner. I was perfect at taking the pill, but after a recall, I felt like I needed something different. Between my two Nexplanon, I did the pill for a few months, and it was awful once I was used to Nexplanon!! I feel like every woman should know about this as a choice.
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Post by 950nancy on May 25, 2016 17:30:07 GMT
I love that she listened to you about preventative measures. Huge plus! While the thought of her having her heart broken sounds awful, put it in perspective. Many people go through that and come out on the other side a better person and smarter when it comes to love. Keeping that in perspective, coming home pregnant at 16 or with and STD, would be much, much harder to deal with. I don't know if I agree with the talking less to your kids about sex. Sometimes that isn't effective at all. I am glad I talked to my boys a lot. While they acted like they knew it all, they needed to hear things about the many facets of sex. After her appointment, I would take her out to dinner and have a short list of things you want to say and then remind her your ear is always available. I think that is the best we can do. I know the studies in my state with birth control have showed that it definitely lowers the percent of unwanted pregnancies as compared to teaching abstinence. Oh don't misunderstand me - it's not at all that I'm suggesting not to talk to your kids about sex! I started those conversations young and talk OFTEN. It's that often in the heat of the moment when one of my kids come to me on any subject, I have to fight my urge to talk and talk and talk and not listen. And particularly on a subject like sex, I can only imagine being in the OP's shoes and wanting to re-convey every warning, conversation and in general talk way more than listen. I think at that point it becomes less effective. I think reiterating the key safety and health messages make sense. But for me personally, I wouldn't try and also convey how the relationships will change and how she might get her heart broken - unless SHE brings up something in that vein. I think at that point there's a risk of tuning you out and missing the important health and safety stuff. But as I mentioned in my post - my daughter is young, I'm flying blind here. Gotcha! We talked a LOT before they were ready. As boys, mine don't share a lot now (20 & 22). I did get a big giggle awhile back when my youngest declared that the G-spot was a mythical place women just made up. I did mention it WAS a place and he'd have to work harder and put in his best effort all while giving my husband the eye. I love raising boys.
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Post by jeremysgirl on May 25, 2016 17:36:00 GMT
AN, thank you for that perspective. It's been a long time since I have needed birth control so I am not up on current options. I do know I want something other than birth control pills, though. I don't want her to have to remember to take a pill every single day. I want something more reliable than that. And I have honestly never heard of Nexplanon.
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melissa
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,912
Jun 25, 2014 20:45:00 GMT
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Post by melissa on May 25, 2016 18:22:27 GMT
Oy. I hate that my dd is old enough for these conversations. I want the cute little 3 year old with the curls back at those moments. LOL
Dd is 19 and came to me with a similar statement in March. We had an in depth talk on the various forms of birth control available, including the two types of IUD- copper (Paraguard for ex) and hormonal (Mirena for ex). We also talked about pills, diaphragms, and the implant. Dd liked the idea that the IUDs were not systemic unlike the other hormonal forms of birth control available. I would include the IUDs in your discussions. They are available for teens today, unlike several years ago.
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Post by anxiousmom on May 25, 2016 18:40:54 GMT
I don't have daughters, but in addition to talking about protection and mechanics, we also talk about feelings. Things like intimacy and love and how sex between two people should draw them closer and there should never be pressure to perform (girl or boy) and that sex should be enjoyable for both partners-not just the boy (that if you feel that you are close enough to take this step, that you should be close enough to your partner to ask what gives her pleasure.) Then of course is the part that if you are having sex, you have to be able to accept the potential consequences of children and how children bind you together irrespective of how you feel about each other (easy to talk about because we are a divorced family and he has seen it play out in his own life.)
We have had a lot of fairly uncomfortable conversations, but I have tried to cover the emotional side as well as the cover up and take care part.
I think that when it comes right down to it, there really isn't a lot we are going to say that is going push them in one direction or another. We would like to think it would, and maybe they actually do think about what we have said-but I suspect that by the time we get to the part where our kids are coming to us asking for birth control, they already have an idea of what is going to happen. They are simply at that point making sure that if the decision is made, they have some of the safety measures are in place.
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uksue
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,527
Location: London
Jun 25, 2014 22:33:20 GMT
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Post by uksue on May 25, 2016 18:52:23 GMT
This is a timely thread for me! My 20 yr old son and his19 year old girlfriend are expecting a baby in November. They were using contraception, but 'something ' went wrong . It's been a huge wake up call for him and he's matured so much in the 6 weeks since he told me, but I so wish they had waited until they were older. She was training to be a national hunt jockey but of course, that dream is over now , and she may also have to sell her much loved horse .
These are sensible kids, they have both had school education re contraception and they have both also had caring input from parents but this still sometimes happens!
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Post by supersoda on May 25, 2016 18:54:47 GMT
I'm right there with you, but my DD is very private and I have to initiate every conversation. She says she's not doing anything, and I believe her, but I also doubt she would/will tell me. She's had a boyfriend for over a year and leaves for college in a few months. He's a couple of years older than her and at some point it's going to come up. I'm really pushing for a long-term birth control method, and I've finally talked her into visiting the GYN, but she is very nervous.
Our conversations have been 1) birth control takes time to kick in. It's better to take steps now, before you really need it 2) sometimes things happen in the heat of the moment that you don't expect so it's better to plan ahead; 3) condoms are necessary to protect against STDs, but you need more to ensure you don't get pregnant.
I'm not naive and I'm not going preach abstinence, but I do want her to be a safe as possible, and I don't want one moment's decision to screw up the rest of her life.
And yeah, I want my sweet little curly-haired baby back.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Sept 20, 2024 22:58:28 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 25, 2016 19:05:17 GMT
AN , thank you for that perspective. It's been a long time since I have needed birth control so I am not up on current options. I do know I want something other than birth control pills, though. I don't want her to have to remember to take a pill every single day. I want something more reliable than that. And I have honestly never heard of Nexplanon. My DD is now 28....so it's been a while. She went on the pill when she was getting ready to go away to college. She had a steady boyfriend. We had many conversations about BC and sex and feelings and all that...we have always been very close. One thing I'll add to the great advice here....my DD set an alarm on her cell phone to ring at 10 pm every night....when it went off, she took her pill. She kept her pill packet in her purse as it was always with her. I thought that was a very smart solution to remembering to take it. She told me that her girlfriends all did that. She has been married for 2 years and is expecting her first baby...a boy! I have a DS that is 4 years older. When he was in high school, he was rebellious and full of hormones. I did the best I could to keep up with him, have talks with him, reign him in. I didn't buy condoms for him, because I thought that was an adult decision and he had a job. But I used to take the grocery and Target ads & show him how much diapers and formula cost, and the cost of baby equipment...every week! I must have done a good job, by the time he was 20 he was working his way up in a great job and now he is 32, married to a wonderful woman, and has the cutest nearly 2 year old boy. I'm really glad I don't have to revisit those teen years. Hang in there Momma! Sounds like you are doing a great job!
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Sept 20, 2024 22:58:28 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 25, 2016 19:10:16 GMT
This is a timely thread for me! My 20 yr old son and his19 year old girlfriend are expecting a baby in November. They were using contraception, but 'something ' went wrong . It's been a huge wake up call for him and he's matured so much in the 6 weeks since he told me, but I so wish they had waited until they were older. She was training to be a national hunt jockey but of course, that dream is over now , and she may also have to sell her much loved horse . These are sensible kids, they have both had school education re contraception and they have both also had caring input from parents but this still sometimes happens! Hugs, uksue! It happens in the best of families. May your grandbaby be a blessing on your family.
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Post by cmpeter on May 25, 2016 19:10:23 GMT
My dd is pretty open, I am amazed by some of the things she shares with me. She's almost 16 and has been on the pill for two years already (Yaz for acne). We do have periodic talks about sex, emotions, consequences, how you know if you are ready, etc. Often they are prompted by things she shares about classmates...how the girl a year younger who used to be in my Brownie troop was caught giving her BF a blow job in a piano practice room at school. It all seems to be happening so much earlier these days.
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Post by chlerbie on May 25, 2016 19:14:52 GMT
I talked about it with my stepdaughter. I think I'd leave it alone with her for now and then, when you are bringing her to the appointment, it will be more of an opportune time to talk about it, as she may actually bring things up.
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Post by jeremysgirl on May 25, 2016 19:18:04 GMT
My dd is pretty open, I am amazed by some of the things she shares with me. She's almost 16 and has been on the pill for two years already (Yaz for acne). We do have periodic talks about sex, emotions, consequences, how you know if you are ready, etc. Often they are prompted by things she shares about classmates...how the girl a year younger who used to be in my Brownie troop was caught giving her BF a blow job in a piano practice room at school. It all seems to be happening so much earlier these days. It is so true. Some of the things my DD tells me about others comes with a heavy dose of judgement from her. At least that is one good thing is I know from these discussions with her that sex isn't something she takes lightly. So at least I do feel better knowing that she's being smart.
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Post by anxiousmom on May 25, 2016 19:23:28 GMT
Often they are prompted by things she shares about classmates...how the girl a year younger who used to be in my Brownie troop was caught giving her BF a blow job in a piano practice room at school. It all seems to be happening so much earlier these days. I remember a particularly awkward conversation around here after one of my older son's classmates was caught having a girl (not his girlfriend) giving him a blowjob in the boys bathroom. It was really hard to try to explain to them that they should try to figure out what exactly she was getting out of it...not just that it was one sided in the pleasure department, but in that what kind of emotional need was she trying to fill. That a girl who was willing to (figuratively or literally) get down on her knees in a public bathroom-self esteem issues? trying to get people to like her? etc. Tough tough discussion.
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Post by SabrinaM on May 25, 2016 19:31:39 GMT
I have no input on the discussion, but can I just recommend Nexplanon as an amazing option? Lowest failure rate, not dependent on taking pulls, lower hormones than the pill, lasts 3 years. Many people recommend iuds for teens for those reasons, but I'm not a big fan of the idea metal/pokey plastic all up in my uterus (even though they are incredibly safe). Nexplanon is more effective than any other form of birth control, INCLUDING sterilization. Which is insane. And it reverses as soon as it is removed. You can research Nexplanon, biggest downside is it can cause breakthrough or irregular/unpredictable bleeding. Anecdotally, my doctor told me if you have it put in the first 5 days of your period, she has seen less issues with irregular bleeding. My doc and most of her nurses used it themselves. Don't confuse it with Norplant, not the same even though both are arm implants. Nexplanon is very popular in the UK, and I was really frustrated when I learned about it and asked why no one had ever informed me about it, even when I pressed for options. It was always "pill, depo, or IUD." I'm on my second nexplanon and love it. No periods for 6 -12 months for me, then they go regular just like with the pill or when I'm not on anything. My doctor said because of the low dose of hormones, she has no issue leaving women on it up until 50 and then starts testing for menopause. Not relevant to your dd, but just sharing in terms of safety. It can be expensive, but if you are on an ACA compliant Healthcare plan, it is covered. I'm on a grandfathered plan where birth control is not covered and paid about $800 out of pocket for it. Worth every penny and cheaper than the pill over 3 years. I actually had my second one put in at Planned Parenthood because I was in a new area and wanted to go to someone who had put in lots of them. Stellar experience there. If she gets it, have her wear an ace bandage around her upper arm for a couple days to minimize bruising, makes a big difference. Mostly painless though!! Can you tell I love this thing? I know this isn't what you asked, but I just had to share because I was so so mad I didn't know about it sooner. I was perfect at taking the pill, but after a recall, I felt like I needed something different. Between my two Nexplanon, I did the pill for a few months, and it was awful once I was used to Nexplanon!! I feel like every woman should know about this as a choice. As always, great post AN!! Thanks for sharing!
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Post by sugarmama on May 25, 2016 20:28:27 GMT
Personally, I think anything you can do as a parent to avoid your daughter having an abortion or early/unwanted pregnancy, is what you should do. I am amazed, with birth control so available, why these things keep happening.
I was on birth control when I was not having sex, as were my girls. And judging from what I have heard from my girls, 16 is a very common age to start. Even if they aren't needing it, the girls are liking the lighter periods and predictability of them.
Edited to add: If you are worried she is not ready for a sexual relationship at this time, I have to point out, she most certainly would not be ready for what could happen with no birth control and a sexual relationship.
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Post by peasapie on May 25, 2016 20:35:33 GMT
I only have a son. I drilled into his head while driving him to school (captive audience!) the importance of condoms. I also talked a lot about STDs and that you can't "tell" by looking at someone. Sometimes kids are stupid and think if someone is "hot" they can't have an STD. I had cervical cancer from HPV. I was very open with my son where it comes from and the risks involved. When he joined the Army I told him my experience being young in the military. I also talked about girls looking to use him to get away from where they were. This is so common and causes a lot of heartache for all involved eventually. It's only gets worse with children involved. Definitely the above. Birth control pills etc. are the first step, but condoms are what will protect her from STDs. Glad you were open to it all and that she felt comfortable coming to you.
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