jaffa
New Member
Posts: 9 
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Post by jaffa on May 30, 2016 14:34:46 GMT
You're asking for a punishment to fit the crime. I disagree with those who are saying to pull him from competitive sports, as that is a wonderful place to learn how to lose with grace. This behaviour didn't happen at the game, so punishing by benching him would not normally be appropriate. The problem is that your husband threatened him with not playing, so he should follow through on that. If not following through is a common thing, then that needs to be worked on as parents. Don't threaten with a punishment you're not willing to enforce. I don't agree with him being a brat... sounds like overall he's a good kid, but immature in this area. After all, he's 10. With my kids, no screens is a great punishment and that threat is usually enough (although I have followed through on several occasions). I would be having a heart-to-heart about respect for parents, and crying wolf. Before playing another game, he should be reminded of how he should handle losing, and told what the repercussions will be if he has a meltdown. You contradict yourself here. You claim that benching in soccer does not fit the crime of being a bad sport at golf, but then you agree that taking away screen time is a good punishment. If anything the screen time has less connection to his behavior than the soccer game. I am still on the side of benching him for one soccer game. Explain that if he cannot be a good sport in both victory and defeat than he is not allowed to compete. I would not leave him home, but have him there on the bench, helping and cheering on his teammates, not sulking. True... I didn't realize the contradiction at the time. I just don't feel that benching in the team sport is the right punishment. Thinking about it more, I think it's because he's punishing the team, then. They shouldn't be impacted because of how the son has behaved at something away from the game. |
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Post by deputydog on May 31, 2016 6:36:44 GMT
To me the appropriate consequence would have been to leave the mini golf game- before it got to the level of him yelling child abuse. But that time has come and gone.
I'm not sure why yelling child abuse in response to being told that you're going to be hit by someone is any more manipulative than having someone try to control your behavior by threatening to hit you in the first place.
I'm honestly not sure what I would do. I think your husband is equally, if not more, at fault. As the adult, he should have ended the game as soon as it became apparent that his son wasn't up to playing without getting upset, thus preventing the total meltdown. Now your son is being punished because his dad didn't handle the situation correctly. Obviously we are all responsible for our own behavior and that's a lesson your son needs to learn but if this was about two kids fighting or having a problem it wouldn't just be one of them getting punished.
I'm not saying your husband should be punished, lol. Nor am I saying he didn't do the best he could under the circumstances- we all have those challenging moments with our kids where we don't handle things the greatest. All of us here on the board have the luxury of looking at the situation from afar, without all the emotion of the moment playing out.
I think I would have my son lose his electronics for a short while and then having a family chat about expectations and appropriate behaviors would be worthwhile. I'm not sure having him research 'real' child abuse is going to help anything. Threatening to hit someone in order to get them to do what you want isn't the way to interact with others-- if someone was here on the board telling us that their husband or SO was treating them that way we would say it's emotional abuse and they should get out ASAP.
That's how I look at it, anyway.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Aug 18, 2025 19:46:28 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 31, 2016 13:02:17 GMT
My response is once the punishment is threatened it needs to be followed through. Whether we agree or not...it's not teaching him ANYTHING if he was told the consequence for acting out, acted out even worse and is still allowed to be play the tournament. He would be sitting on the bench! By cancelling the punishment because the 'team' needs him also puts in his head that the team can't survive a game without him. he needs to learn that the team will do just fine and that he is not the only one who can help the team win...they can do it on their own. honestly if my child acted out like in public, he wouldn't be seeing the outside world for a very long time.
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theshyone
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,458
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Post by theshyone on May 31, 2016 13:52:07 GMT
Why are we okaying this name calling of a 10 year old child? If he "is a brat" or was he "acting bratty." He sounds like a great kid who is 10, a boy, who is probably a bit immature about how to manage the emotions that come with losing. Do you as an adult like to lose? Most don't. We've just learned to manage the emotions better. Damn, nearly everyday there is a post here about losing something as an adult and we can muster some sympathy (ex. I didn't get the job). Was his behavior acceptable? Absolutely not. But to call him names?? The kid lost a game of mini-golf, dad made a threat based on what he assumed the kid's currency was. Dad needs to follow thru. If the kid's currency isn't playing soccer then dad needs to be reminded what works. For us... if you lose control and can't get it together, I take control. My almost 10 DD's currency is screens and control. If she loses screens, next is control. I make all the choices. A few days of mom picking out her clothes and telling her how to comb her hair works. We get to have the long conversation about controlling our words, using her words appropriately and we talk a lot about feelings. The "THINK before you speak" poster comes out and she will write lines on her words. She has written essays on virtues that are important to our family. She has written a couple twice. She/we aren't perfect but she is learning, growing and going forward. She isn't a brat because she is human. She isn't a horrible child because she gets overwhelmed. But she will be taught. Thank you - he is not a brat. He had a bad moment - a really bad one! - but overall, he is not a brat. Next season, DH is not his coach. He's switching teams due to US Soccer's re-alignment of age groups, so his current team is breaking up, and he'll be playing for a different team, and a new coach. I think it will be good for both of them - my DH never wanted to coach, but no one else stepped up, and just like someone mentioned about being a GS leader for a daughter (which I am too, and can TOTALLY relate!) it's a totally different balance when you are the leader for your child's activity. They are 2 hrs away from home at this tournament, and I am not sure what transpired last night or this morning when the tournament resumed. I told DH I would support whatever he decided, but that when they got home, DS was losing all electronics for a LONG time, and he and I will be exploring what REAL child abuse is, and have discussions about that. I also like the idea of him earning his dad's respect & trust back with family game nights (which we do, although they are not as frequent in the spring or fall). DH is a great dad, and I don't think DS realizes what he's done or how badly he has hurt both of us. I appreciate everyone's replies. As the kid did it to the Dad, it's the Dad that needs to lay down the punishment. Turning the issue over to you will just reinforce he can treat Dad badly, manipulate him. |
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Post by rune2484 on Jun 1, 2016 6:25:55 GMT
Outside of the discipline topic, I suggest that you track down a copy of a book entitled 'A Child Called It' and set aside some time to read it out loud as a family. I was perhaps a year or two older than your son when first exposed to this memoir, so he should be able to handle the content. It should really help hit home what child abuse really is.
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