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Post by Bridget in MD on May 28, 2016 21:45:10 GMT
My son (10) is extremely competitive. We've worked with him on sportsmanship. For the most part, he can keep it in check, but there are times when it rears its ugly head - for instance, if he plays (and loses) a game with his older sister.
Today, my husband took him to his travel soccer tournament (DH is the coach of his team). They played their first game, and before heading to my inlaws, they stopped at a local mini-putt/driving range. Apparently, it went downhill from there. My husband does not believe in letting kids win just for the sake of winning, but I know he doesn't go full force either. He does play like anyone would play... I guess he was beating my son, and DS started to get upset. DH tried to quit, and DS got more and more agitated. There were people around, and DH was getting embarrassed. He warned DS several times, and tried to walk away, and DS continued to act up. DH told him if he didn't stop, he would spank him and DS started screaming "child abuse! child abuse!" DH, mortified, walked away. DS must have followed him out to the car, but then refused to get into the car. Somehow, DH got him in the car and drove away - he pulled over into a parking lot and called me.
I'm dumbfounded that DS has "gone there." He is changing teams as this team is breaking up (not enough kids plus change in age groups), so maybe this is a manifestation of him being upset about that? I'm also sure he's hot and been in the sun all day (after 40 days of rain and cool weather), but that's just not an excuse. DH has threatened not to let him play in his games tmrw, but that punishes his team, and I don't think that's fair. Those boys and families gave up their Memorial Day weekend for this tournament, and I personally feel electronics are DS's currency more than not allowing him to play in the games. Of course, the ipad is gone, any electronic, for a while, but I also feel that his behavior is above and beyond awful. I told DS how disappointed I was, and what did he think would be a fair punishment, and he said he didn't know... so I told him we'd have to discuss. But I'm at a loss of how else to really drive home a punishment...
He is a good kid - straight As, in the band, Cub Scouts, etc... but this "poor sports" stuff when he loses is awful. And I feel that stripping him from all sports doesn't, in the end, teach him how to handle losing. It just avoids a common outcome, and he needs to learn how to handle losing...
TIA.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 28, 2016 21:47:24 GMT
Personally, I'd pull him from all competition for six months. He is needing some time out of competing. In six months he can try again at competing and LOSING with good grace.
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Post by padresfan619 on May 28, 2016 21:48:14 GMT
Sounds like he didn't get to finish his game of mini golf. Sounds like he was punished already, unless it was towards the end of the game. Does your husband have the same kind of attitude towards losing? You say he doesn't "let" kids win, but does he behave in a similar way as your son, just in an adult way?
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Post by Bridget in MD on May 28, 2016 21:51:16 GMT
correct, they didn't finish. They just stopped.
No, my husband doesn't act like that when he doesn't win, although he may be grumpy if he comes home (ie from golf) if he feels he hasn't played well. He is competitive, but when/if he loses, he lets it go.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 28, 2016 21:51:28 GMT
My son (10) is extremely competitive. We've worked with him on sportsmanship. For the most part, he can keep it in check, but there are times when it rears its ugly head - for instance, if he plays (and loses) a game with his older sister. Today, my husband took him to his travel soccer tournament (DH is the coach of his team). They played their first game, and before heading to my inlaws, they stopped at a local mini-putt/driving range. Apparently, it went downhill from there. My husband does not believe in letting kids win just for the sake of winning, but I know he doesn't go full force either. He does play like anyone would play... I guess he was beating my son, and DS started to get upset. DH tried to quit, and DS got more and more agitated. There were people around, and DH was getting embarrassed. He warned DS several times, and tried to walk away, and DS continued to act up. DH told him if he didn't stop, he would spank him and DS started screaming "child abuse! child abuse!" DH, mortified, walked away. DS must have followed him out to the car, but then refused to get into the car. Somehow, DH got him in the car and drove away - he pulled over into a parking lot and called me. I'm dumbfounded that DS has "gone there." He is changing teams as this team is breaking up (not enough kids plus change in age groups), so maybe this is a manifestation of him being upset about that? I'm also sure he's hot and been in the sun all day (after 40 days of rain and cool weather), but that's just not an excuse. D H has threatened not to let him play in his games tmrw, but that punishes his team, and I don't think that's fair. Those boys and families gave up their Memorial Day weekend for this tournament, and I personally feel electronics are DS's currency more than not allowing him to play in the games. Of course, the ipad is gone, any electronic, for a while, but I also feel that his behavior is above and beyond awful. I told DS how disappointed I was, and what did he think would be a fair punishment, and he said he didn't know... so I told him we'd have to discuss. But I'm at a loss of how else to really drive home a punishment... He is a good kid - straight As, in the band, Cub Scouts, etc... but this "poor sports" stuff when he loses is awful. And I feel that stripping him from all sports doesn't, in the end, teach him how to handle losing. It just avoids a common outcome, and he needs to learn how to handle losing... TIA. The big part of the problem though is you have inadvertently taught him winning is the only "fair" outcome. Good sportsmanship isn't a factor in your definition of fair. A good player can get away with being a poor sport because his team "needs" him. NO. NO NO. This is way major league players are such law breakers because nothing they do is every punished in an effort to "save the game for the rest of the team" |
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georgiapea
Drama Llama
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Post by georgiapea on May 28, 2016 21:57:18 GMT
Winning is wonderful. But only when it is a true win by excelling. A forfeit win, by someone allowing you to win is meaningless. Maybe he and his dad can play board games or checkers. Sports should really be played for the fun of the game. Someone is always going to win and it's unrealistic to think it will or should be "me".
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Post by christine58 on May 28, 2016 22:10:18 GMT
I guess he was beating my son, and DS started to get upset. DH tried to quit, and DS got more and more agitated. There were people around, and DH was getting embarrassed. He warned DS several times, and tried to walk away, and DS continued to act up. DH told him if he didn't stop, he would spank him and DS started screaming "child abuse! child abuse!" DH, mortified, walked away. DS must have followed him out to the car, but then refused to get into the car. Somehow, DH got him in the car and drove away - he pulled over into a parking lot and called me. This is more than being upset at not losing. He was a brat...plain and simple. He embarrassed your DH, made a fool of himself and then refused to follow your DH's directions. Maybe he needs to go back to the putt putt place and apologize to the owner about behaving badly. He'd be losing more than electronics at this point. Maybe tomorrow he'd sit the bench for awhile. |
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JustTricia
Pearl Clutcher
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Location: Indianapolis
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Post by JustTricia on May 28, 2016 22:13:25 GMT
The issue isn't just his sportsmanship, it's yelling child abuse erroneously in public. To me, there needs to be two different consequences for two different actions.
I agree, maybe he needs to stop playing sports for a season. If he can't play without being a good sport, win or lose, he doesn't play. That might need to stretch to games at home, mini golf, etc. Sister still gets to, and he gets to see that.
For the yelling child abuse ~ phew. I don't know. Write a report on abuse, volunteer at a shelter, listen to a lecture on abuse, something to see that it isn't something to falsely claim. With his age being ten, I'm not sure what is appropriate, but he needs to know that can NEVER happen again.
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NoWomanNoCry
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Post by NoWomanNoCry on May 28, 2016 22:19:42 GMT
I'm sorry but I agree with previous poster...this kid is a brat and needs to be pulled out of all sports until he can get his behavior in check. It isn't a good example for the other kids and I can promise you that other parents are probably talking about this behavior.
After awhile of having his off all sports I would maybe start doing competitive things within the family like miniture golf or whatever see how he does.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 28, 2016 22:30:34 GMT
I have to agree with pulling him from all competition if he can't handle it.
I would have him write a paper on what child abuse truly is and even maybe have him volunteer at a women's shelter over the summer (or do a project FOR a womens/family shelter).
Punishment would probably be considered harsh but you should in NO way reward bad behavior. DH still goes and coaches the game and DS sits at home with you planning his volunteer project for people that have been abused.
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Post by brina on May 28, 2016 22:52:02 GMT
If your son got injured and couldn't play tomorrow the team would play without him, this is really no different. He can't play. This is not a punishment for the team. This is perhaps a chance for them to rise to the occasion.
I agree that he behaved like a brat.
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AnotherPea
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Post by AnotherPea on May 28, 2016 22:53:12 GMT
I agree with the others. His butt stays home tomorrow. At ten he is not going to talented enough to make a big impact on the game anyway. They won't miss him. And if they do, those other kids are too wrapped up In winning too.
It will be hard. But parenting is hard sometimes.
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Post by Zee on May 28, 2016 23:18:23 GMT
The issue for me would be much more about yelling "child abuse" in public than the sportsmanship. I'd be really tempted to show him what child abuse means (j/k, but honestly, that would have had me seeing red!).
You know, I'm not sure what the best solution would be, but I would sit him down for a serious talk about real child abuse. Then we'd talk about the boy who cried wolf and how lying affects his credibility. One time i told my kids if they pulled any crap they'd get a beating...I wasn't serious, and they knew that because it was a lighthearted moment, but they retorted with "we'll call the police"...I told them to go ahead, and enjoy foster care. Heh.
No way would that kid be allowed any type of "fun" for quite a long time.
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Post by scrapmaven on May 28, 2016 23:32:05 GMT
It sounds like your dh is competitive. Your ds sees your dh coming home from golf grumpy when things didn't go well. Granted, your ds took it to a very big level. As for yelling about abuse, I would talk to your ds about abuse and how it really feels. He needs to learn to be careful about what he says. Your ds clearly has anger issues around not being the best at something. He needs to learn to lose w/grace and dignity. I wouldn't bench your ds, because the sport is a healthy activity, but ds needs re-training about losing. I'd probably ground him from his electronics for a few days for the abuse comments, while working w/him on his issues. Does he do well w/rewards? Everytime you come home from a game that you've lost, acting calm and kind or nicely play a board game that you're either losing or have lost you can have a coupon. Once you've earned 10 coupons you'll get X reward (choosing the DVD or dinner or later bedtime on the weekend, etc.). Give him a goal to work twds in order to change his behavior about losing. Sort of 10 year old behavior modification.
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Post by tuva42 on May 28, 2016 23:36:58 GMT
I think other responders have had some good ideas. But I think, at 10, he might be able to talk with you about what is really going on. Does he feel like he's not good enough? My youngest DD used to act up in Girl Scout meetings. I was her leader. She never acted up anywhere else, but something was going on at meetings that made her feel bad. It was if she felt like she wasn't my daughter at meetings, because I treated her like everyone else.
I think a talk about how bad his behavior was is important, but so is asking him what he's feeling and why he needed to act up. And consequences, too. He treated your DH badly. How about a consequence where he does something to help his dad, take over some of dad's chores. Let dad know he's sorry he acted that way.
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scorpeao
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Posts: 4,524
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Jun 25, 2014 21:04:54 GMT
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Post by scorpeao on May 28, 2016 23:47:11 GMT
I would make him go to the game tomorrow but tell his coach he's benched. I would tell my son that until he learns how to be a better sport about winning AND losing, he will watch his team play. Maybe by watching instead of participating he will learn sportsmanship.
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on May 28, 2016 23:53:27 GMT
I would either keep him from the game tomorrow... or keep him from the next sports season.
For a 10 year old that is outrageous behavior.
I would have him learn about child abuse what it is and what it looks like and what happens to kids who are victims of Child Abuse. Then I would teach him about " crying wolf".
I would also teach him about the value of losing, of failure, and how we learn from our mistakes.
This is an opportunity for some big Life lessons.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 28, 2016 23:55:16 GMT
The issue for me would be much more about yelling "child abuse" in public than the sportsmanship. I'd be really tempted to show him what child abuse means (j/k, but honestly, that would have had me seeing red!). You know, I'm not sure what the best solution would be, but I would sit him down for a serious talk about real child abuse. Then we'd talk about the boy who cried wolf and how lying affects his credibility. One time i told my kids if they pulled any crap they'd get a beating...I wasn't serious, and they knew that because it was a lighthearted moment, but they retorted with "we'll call the police"...I told them to go ahead, and enjoy foster care. Heh. No way would that kid be allowed any type of "fun" for quite a long time. I agree with this. I'd explain exactly what child abuse is. And while this won't be the popular opinion, I'm sure, he still gets the spanking. No game this wknd, no electronics. He levied an extremely serious threat and I'd be taking it extremely seriously. I'd also start looking for ways to introduce losing more. Play more board games, activities where he can get used to losing and being a good sport. |
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AnotherPea
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by AnotherPea on May 28, 2016 23:57:53 GMT
My SIL had a policy in her home - the winner had to clean up the game when everyone was done. Great to win, sucked to clean sometimes,  I don't know if it curtailed bad sportsmanship for them, but it sure did shut up my kids' bragging when we started using it in our home. |
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Post by bc2ca on May 28, 2016 23:59:49 GMT
My son (10) is extremely competitive. We've worked with him on sportsmanship. For the most part, he can keep it in check, but there are times when it rears its ugly head - for instance, if he plays (and loses) a game with his older sister. Today, my husband took him to his travel soccer tournament (DH is the coach of his team). They played their first game, and before heading to my inlaws, they stopped at a local mini-putt/driving range. Apparently, it went downhill from there. My husband does not believe in letting kids win just for the sake of winning, but I know he doesn't go full force either. He does play like anyone would play... I guess he was beating my son, and DS started to get upset. DH tried to quit, and DS got more and more agitated. There were people around, and DH was getting embarrassed. He warned DS several times, and tried to walk away, and DS continued to act up. DH told him if he didn't stop, he would spank him and DS started screaming "child abuse! child abuse!" DH, mortified, walked away. DS must have followed him out to the car, but then refused to get into the car. Somehow, DH got him in the car and drove away - he pulled over into a parking lot and called me. I'm dumbfounded that DS has "gone there." He is changing teams as this team is breaking up (not enough kids plus change in age groups), so maybe this is a manifestation of him being upset about that? I'm also sure he's hot and been in the sun all day (after 40 days of rain and cool weather), but that's just not an excuse. DH has threatened not to let him play in his games tmrw, but that punishes his team, and I don't think that's fair. Those boys and families gave up their Memorial Day weekend for this tournament, and I personally feel electronics are DS's currency more than not allowing him to play in the games. Of course, the ipad is gone, any electronic, for a while, but I also feel that his behavior is above and beyond awful. I told DS how disappointed I was, and what did he think would be a fair punishment, and he said he didn't know... so I told him we'd have to discuss. But I'm at a loss of how else to really drive home a punishment... He is a good kid - straight As, in the band, Cub Scouts, etc... but this "poor sports" stuff when he loses is awful. And I feel that stripping him from all sports doesn't, in the end, teach him how to handle losing. It just avoids a common outcome, and he needs to learn how to handle losing... TIA. The bolded statements really stand out to me. Your DH warned, stated he would do something and threatened but hasn't followed through on any of this and your DS knows he won't. I agree with others who have said you need to bench him tomorrow and withdraw him from competitive sports for the next season. Around here you can start referee training at his age in the recreational leagues. This may be an avenue for him to develop a better appreciation of what being a good sport is all about. |
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Post by christine58 on May 28, 2016 23:59:52 GMT
I would make him go to the game tomorrow but tell his coach he's benched. I would tell my son that until he learns how to be a better sport about winning AND losing, he will watch his team play. Maybe by watching instead of participating he will learn sportsmanship. The coach is his father |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 29, 2016 0:01:43 GMT
You know how winning teams sometimes go out for ice cream or pizza as a reward for winning? My brother's coach took his team out if they lost but showed good attitudes. If they won and acted like jerks, there was no reward. He was trying to teach his players that winning isn't everything.
Your son needs to learn that now while he's young. It's okay to be competitive. It's okay to want to win and try your best to do so. But his behavior is nowhere near acceptable. There's now way I'd let him play tomorrow. The team will do just fine.
And I agree with making a separate consequence for the child abuse accusations. His lie could have had serious repercussions for your DH, and he needs to be made aware of that.
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Post by mollycoddle on May 29, 2016 0:01:51 GMT
For the child abuse cries, he should lose several fun activities. There should be a cost for acting like a jerk.
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Post by mom on May 29, 2016 0:03:51 GMT
Im sorry, but you are dealing with more than just bad sportsmanship. I see no respect for your husband coming from your son. BIG PROBLEM in my household. And I don't care what team my child is on - he wouldn't be playing until a complete 180 degree change is made. Right now its affecting your husband. Tomorrow it could be his teacher, his coach.
This needs to be dealt with right now, and in a way that shows the severity of what he is doing. Taking electronics away is ok for the bad sportsmanship, but the other? Wow. That needs its own punishment.
Do your sons future a favor and get that attitude in check now.
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Post by peano on May 29, 2016 0:22:52 GMT
Hello?! His father threatened to spank him? Spanking children IMO is wrong, and despite the hoards of people here on 2 Peas who will give anecdotal accounts of how spankings when they were children "solved the problem," it's just the lazy and clueless person's method of discipline. Why, when we drill into children's heads from toddlerhood on, that hitting is wrong, do adults then turn around and use hitting as a strategy. It defies logic and common sense. Your son's emotional response to this was normal; his delivery was inappropriate, but at 10, I'm sure he lacks the intellectual sophistication to talk to his father about it.
I agree that benching him from sports may get his attention, but if his currency is truly electronics, then it might make more sense to go in that direction. Also, I would pay careful attention to the messages you and your husband might inadvertently be sending about competition and winning.
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Post by brina on May 29, 2016 0:41:50 GMT
It sounds like your dh is competitive. Your ds sees your dh coming home from golf grumpy when things didn't go well. Granted, your ds took it to a very big level. Does anybody lose a game and react cheerfully? There is a world of difference between being disappointed and a bit grumpy over losing or not playing well and what this child did. |
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Post by anniefb on May 29, 2016 1:41:05 GMT
Personally, I'd pull him from all competition for six months. He is needing some time out of competing. In six months he can try again at competing and LOSING with good grace. Yep, I agree with this. |
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Post by nurseypants on May 29, 2016 1:58:43 GMT
By yelling 'child abuse' your son was threatening his father. This offense is egregious and should be handled separately from the other issue.
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on May 29, 2016 2:03:13 GMT
My son (10) is extremely competitive. We've worked with him on sportsmanship. For the most part, he can keep it in check, but there are times when it rears its ugly head - for instance, if he plays (and loses) a game with his older sister. Today, my husband took him to his travel soccer tournament (DH is the coach of his team). They played their first game, and before heading to my inlaws, they stopped at a local mini-putt/driving range. Apparently, it went downhill from there. My husband does not believe in letting kids win just for the sake of winning, but I know he doesn't go full force either. He does play like anyone would play... I guess he was beating my son, and DS started to get upset. DH tried to quit, and DS got more and more agitated. There were people around, and DH was getting embarrassed. He warned DS several times, and tried to walk away, and DS continued to act up. DH told him if he didn't stop, he would spank him and DS started screaming "child abuse! child abuse!" DH, mortified, walked away. DS must have followed him out to the car, but then refused to get into the car. Somehow, DH got him in the car and drove away - he pulled over into a parking lot and called me. I'm dumbfounded that DS has "gone there." He is changing teams as this team is breaking up (not enough kids plus change in age groups), so maybe this is a manifestation of him being upset about that? I'm also sure he's hot and been in the sun all day (after 40 days of rain and cool weather), but that's just not an excuse. DH has threatened not to let him play in his games tmrw, but that punishes his team, and I don't think that's fair. Those boys and families gave up their Memorial Day weekend for this tournament, and I personally feel electronics are DS's currency more than not allowing him to play in the games. Of course, the ipad is gone, any electronic, for a while, but I also feel that his behavior is above and beyond awful. I told DS how disappointed I was, and what did he think would be a fair punishment, and he said he didn't know... so I told him we'd have to discuss. But I'm at a loss of how else to really drive home a punishment... He is a good kid - straight As, in the band, Cub Scouts, etc... but this "poor sports" stuff when he loses is awful. And I feel that stripping him from all sports doesn't, in the end, teach him how to handle losing. It just avoids a common outcome, and he needs to learn how to handle losing... TIA. His yelling child abuse, child abuse is manipulating pure and simple. And it got him the result he desired--to embarrass your DH into backing off. I'd show him was real child abuse was, by photos, news stories, etc so that he gets that you are into him using that to manipulate. I'd pull him from sports. If he cannot be a good sport then he shouldn't play. Let him experience the real consequence. He knows you won't pull him "for the sake of the team" but drop kick his bratty attitude off the team or a game or two and see if it fixes it. You are the adult. BE ONE. |
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jaffa
New Member
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Post by jaffa on May 29, 2016 2:18:03 GMT
You're asking for a punishment to fit the crime. I disagree with those who are saying to pull him from competitive sports, as that is a wonderful place to learn how to lose with grace. This behaviour didn't happen at the game, so punishing by benching him would not normally be appropriate. The problem is that your husband threatened him with not playing, so he should follow through on that. If not following through is a common thing, then that needs to be worked on as parents. Don't threaten with a punishment you're not willing to enforce.
I don't agree with him being a brat... sounds like overall he's a good kid, but immature in this area. After all, he's 10. With my kids, no screens is a great punishment and that threat is usually enough (although I have followed through on several occasions). I would be having a heart-to-heart about respect for parents, and crying wolf. Before playing another game, he should be reminded of how he should handle losing, and told what the repercussions will be if he has a meltdown.
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I don't know if it curtailed bad sportsmanship for them, but it sure did shut up my kids' bragging when we started using it in our home. 
