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Post by bostonmama on May 30, 2016 18:50:27 GMT
Miss Manners says Graduate should apologize for skipping own graduation party
Judith Martin told a parent Friday in her newspaper column to return gifts to “insulted” guests of the “rude and callous” daughter’s party. She also said the parent is responsible for the girl’s bad manners.
Dear Miss Manners: For our daughter’s graduation from high school, we planned a small party for her with immediate family and a few neighbors and close friends.
My daughter does not like parties, so we asked her the week before to please let us know if she was feeling uncomfortable and we would call it all off, no problem. She said she would be okay with it, and we told her she could just come for a bit to say hi and thank her guests.
Day of the party, she leaves the house and doesn’t show up at all, texting her dad that she wasn’t feeling well and wasn’t up to a party.
So now we have 30 people we are apologizing to and feeling extremely embarrassed by her rude behavior. People graciously left monetary gifts, which my daughter didn’t bother to open. On top of it all, her grandparents flew in from out of town, and she was extremely rude to them and didn’t spend any time talking or thanking them for coming.
So what do we do with the gifts? Do we send back the checks and cash and thank everyone? Do we keep them and not give them to my daughter directly? Maybe use them for her college expenses?
I feel bad keeping them, but I am not sure if it is just as rude to mail them back. Whatever we do, she will not send thank-you notes, either. I will have to do that.
It seems to Miss Manners that this is the least of your problems, considering that you have a thoroughly rude and callous daughter.
Ordinarily, it is insulting to return presents, but your guests have already been insulted, and are due abject apologies on your daughter’s behalf, if you must write them. You can return the money with the explanation that as your daughter did not participate in the celebration, you are refusing to let her keep any of it.
Miss Manners does not consider you to be free of responsibility for this fiasco. Leaving aside your duty to teach your daughter manners and consideration for others, there is the question of why you even considered giving a party for someone who hates parties and your willingness to allow guests to make plans that you offered to cancel a week before.
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Deleted
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Aug 18, 2025 19:43:13 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 30, 2016 18:55:49 GMT
Have to agree with Miss Manners and honestly with having and being around kids this age, I could see this happening with a special snowflake who has never been called to task before and never been taught personal responsibility. I personally asked my DDs 3 years ago how they wanted to celebrate HS graduation....maybe this mom should have too!
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lindas
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,488 
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Post by lindas on May 30, 2016 18:57:26 GMT
I have no doubt this is a real situation and Miss Manners is right, the parents are as much blame as the daughter.
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Post by cakediva on May 30, 2016 19:01:51 GMT
First of all, if my daughter was that uncomfortable with parties, I wouldn't have planned one in the first place. But if we had planned a party for family & close friends - there is no way in hell my kid would have been leaving the house and not returning. Who does that?
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Post by Eddie-n-Harley on May 30, 2016 19:04:39 GMT
I don't disagree with Miss Manners, but when SO was reading this to me, I couldn't help but wonder whether the daughter has some undiagnosed social anxiety disorder that made her feel like she had to flee. (The flags for me are that at a week out, she was okay, but the day of, she couldn't deal... and the writer doesn't say that daughter ditched her party for a boyfriend or another friend's party, or anything like that.)
Of course, it could also be that her parents did indeed fail to teach her any manners.
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Post by kernriver on May 30, 2016 19:10:52 GMT
They knew she didnt like parties so what do they do??? Plan a party, of course!! What could possibly go wrong???
stupid parents, rude girl. Everyones guilty of bad behavior in this one.
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Post by bostonmama on May 30, 2016 19:16:49 GMT
The things that bother me more than anything is 1) she was rude to her grandparents who came from out of town and didn't spend time talking to them or thanking them, 2) she refuses to open any gifts, and 3) she won't write thank you notes. I think this goes far beyond social anxiety and parties!
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Post by scrapmaven on May 30, 2016 19:23:12 GMT
Why on earth would you plan a party for someone who hates them? That's the first big mistake. The dd owes each guest an apology note along w/a gift return and the parents should have had more common sense.
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on May 30, 2016 19:27:58 GMT
Her behavior is appalling, but it sounds like it did not come as a total surprise to her parents... which is pretty telling.
Every gift should be returned with profuse apologies.
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DEX
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,438
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Post by DEX on May 30, 2016 19:40:41 GMT
Social Anxiety, Smocial Anxiety. Sorry buttercup but the parents have coddled this little snowflake so much so that she has no empathy or compassion for anyone else's feelings. Life from here on out will be more difficult . Social anxiety because she has to go to work..too bad. Social anxiety because she wants to get married with a big wedding..too bad.  |
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Deleted
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Aug 18, 2025 19:43:13 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 30, 2016 19:41:35 GMT
Miss Manners is right on and gifts should be returned. She does not deserve them.
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Post by lucyg on May 30, 2016 21:40:52 GMT
I think that girl is mentally ill.
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paigesmom
Shy Member
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Post by paigesmom on May 30, 2016 22:12:57 GMT
^^^^Wow, that's a stretch
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on May 30, 2016 22:17:56 GMT
Rude beyond rude.
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johnnysmom
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,687
Jun 25, 2014 21:16:33 GMT
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Post by johnnysmom on May 30, 2016 22:25:39 GMT
The girl should absolutely write an apology and return the gifts to everyone. But, I place much of the blame on the parents. After 18-ish years of holiday parties, birthday parties, social events, etc they should have known how she'd react and not held a party.
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on May 30, 2016 22:36:02 GMT
I imagine this is just a small example of issues this family has!
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Post by lesserknownpea on May 30, 2016 22:36:36 GMT
Until you have a child with this level of social anxiety, you can't say for sure the girl is just rude. A rude person would still take the money.
While my DD never did this level of inappropriate, we had some close calls. She would just shut down. Yet, she is one of the sweetest people I know.
She's in therapy at 33, still battling social anxiety. It's real.
While mom should have known better, I'm sure she was hopeful this would all work.
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Post by lucyg on May 30, 2016 22:38:34 GMT
^^^^Wow, that's a stretch Are you referring to my post that she must be mentally ill? It's no more of a stretch than other people's intuiting from the mom's letter that the girl is a spoiled, special snowflake. |
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Country Ham
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,316
Jun 25, 2014 19:32:08 GMT
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Post by Country Ham on May 30, 2016 22:52:34 GMT
^^^^Wow, that's a stretch several people implied the same thing without coming out and calling it a mental illness. Go back and count how many mentioned the word "anxiety" or 'social anxiety". Those do fall under the spectrum of mental health. I also think 30 guests pushes the definition of small party. |
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theshyone
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by theshyone on May 30, 2016 22:59:35 GMT
The things that bother me more than anything is 1) she was rude to her grandparents who came from out of town and didn't spend time talking to them or thanking them, 2) she refuses to open any gifts, and 3) she won't write thank you notes. I think this goes far beyond social anxiety and parties! These are the rude things, very rude things. the extreme social anxiety, getting ill because of it I understand. |
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Post by bostonmama on May 30, 2016 23:00:01 GMT
Refusing to write thank you notes and being rude to your grandparents is more than social anxiety; that's bratty behavior.
Signed,
A person who would run away from home if someone wanted to throw a party in my honor!
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Post by 950nancy on May 30, 2016 23:03:26 GMT
^^^^Wow, that's a stretch several people implied the same thing without coming out and calling it a mental illness. Go back and count how many mentioned the word "anxiety" or 'social anxiety". Those do fall under the spectrum of mental health. I also think 30 guests pushes the definition of small party.That was my first thought too. Maybe just grandma and grandpa if people stress the girl out. |
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Post by mom on May 30, 2016 23:55:27 GMT
Refusing to write thank you notes and being rude to your grandparents is more than social anxiety; that's bratty behavior. Signed, A person who would run away from home if someone wanted to throw a party in my honor! Completely agree. |
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Post by jeremysgirl on May 31, 2016 1:01:12 GMT
I have had a similar experience. My son and my stepdaughter both have October birthdays. It was our year for Halloween this year with all the kids. We planned a big birthday party for both kids, invited all the family and our close friends. Stepdaughter called my DH said she did not want to come. She said she wanted to go trick or treat with her other cousin and her cousin's friends. Dad said no. Told her he planned a party for her and that it was his weekend and holiday and she was coming. When he arrived to pick his kids up she was gone. Her mother had allowed her to disobey her dad and stand up all our friends and family. My DH was so mortified by her rude behavior that he told everyone to take the gifts that they had brought her home. Then he also filed with the court that her mother interferes with his parenting time and to make up for it she will be spending Halloween with us again this year. I don't know if it matters but my stepdaughter is 12 years old. And her mother is a special snowflake herself and treats her kids as though they are special snowflakes too. We don't tolerate that.
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Post by lesserknownpea on May 31, 2016 1:08:36 GMT
Refusing to write thank you notes and being rude to your grandparents is more than social anxiety; that's bratty behavior. Signed, A person who would run away from home if someone wanted to throw a party in my honor! Completely agree. If she feels bad about it all, merely sitting down to write those notes could be all it takes to bring on a whole host of anxiety symptoms. I'm sure she's very aware that she's disappointed and insulted most of the people she cares about. When something triggers my anxiety I can't breathe, my heart feels like it's going jump out of my chest, i shake all over,I have trouble with my vision, I become so hot I think I'll die, and if that's not enough, I get the kind of bowel cramps that require INSTANT trips to the toilet for what could be hours. Only Xanax and retreating to solitude will help at that point. And just a single piece of paper can and has triggered this. Is this girl a brat? It's possible, we don't know her. But believe me, social anxiety can be like this. |
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Post by anonrefugee on May 31, 2016 1:22:59 GMT
I agree with Miss Manners, especially the part questioning the parents actions.
Since we are in the throes of it, I see what a stressful time this is for some kids. I wouldn't label the kid a snowflake, or even presume it's a long-term issue. I also feel sorry for parents like the letter writer wanting a party, but having a kid not celebrating.
In the end though they screwed up, and should have been more in tune with their kid. Maybe they've been forcing their will on her elsewhere, and she can't take it anymore? It might not be solely her problem. It could be the beginnings of the demanding family obligations, the kind so many here hate.
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Post by cade387 on May 31, 2016 1:28:03 GMT
One is not entitled to a high school graduation party, nor is one entitled to gifts. Why the parents did this is beyond me. I'm still struggling with her leaving the house and not telling her folks where she is going. Even if 18, while finishing high school you would think it would still be their rules.
I've gone to one wedding that was this bad and I felt so weird giving a gift at all. If I was a guest at this party and the guest of honor didn't bother to show (and no emergency excuse provided), I doubt I would have left a card. It is so bizarre.
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on May 31, 2016 1:35:04 GMT
Well I'll go out in a limb and say it was likely NOT social anxiety thing, that it was a rudeness thing.
Why you might ask? (Lol)
People would probably phrase it as such when asking what to do, especially when asking Miss Manners. I would think that one wouldn't be asking etiquette advice like this mother did if her daughter was suffering from mental illness.
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Deleted
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Aug 18, 2025 19:43:13 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 31, 2016 2:38:28 GMT
Refusing to write thank you notes and being rude to your grandparents is more than social anxiety; that's bratty behavior. Signed, A person who would run away from home if someone wanted to throw a party in my honor! refusing to write thank you notes could be an avoidance behavior based on social anxiety and feeling guilty being rude to grandparents is the mothers subjective perception. she did say the girl refused to talk to them so it wasn't her speaking to them rudely that is the issue, but instead maybe also not acknowledging them which could be an avoidance thing 'Typical' bratty behavior to me would be showing up to get your gifts and money and then ditching the party for your friends. Anxiety though is shown in all the avoidance the girl seems to be doing Who the hell would ask Miss Manners all of this anyway? The writer doesn't seem interested in her DD's issues but instead just saving face with her 30 guests and what to do with all the gifts. Put the money towards therapy instead of wasting time on getting Miss Manners judgmental opinion. |
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Post by originalvanillabean on May 31, 2016 2:51:49 GMT
Very rude.
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