~Lauren~
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by ~Lauren~ on Jun 4, 2016 22:16:01 GMT
I'm truly surprised at the people who say that voting for a different political candidate would make them question their spouse and their marriage.
So what are the core beliefs that are the most important in your marriage and which are deal-breakers.
First and foremost for me is Trust. My spouse lies or cheats, definite deal-breaker. Not one little or white lie but withholding important info or outright lying about it, no go. Cheating, while I know it can be different for different people but for me, it's a dealbreaker.
Second: Kindness. If you're mean or not pleasant to my family and/or friends, good chance it's a dealbreaker. I am a very social person and very close to my family and friends. We're a package.
Third: Integrity. I think these things go hand in hand with the above two. If I find out you lie and cheat to others, are ruthless in a "me-first" and screw everyone else kind of way, then it's a likely deal-breaker.
I hate Hillary Clinton. With a passion. But I can honestly say that if my dh voted for her, it would have no impact on my feelings for him or my relationship with him. I would never dream of saying I'd leave him for that. I don't require that we agree on sociopolitical issues and nor does he. I also have no such requirement of my friends. My closest law school friend is a dyed-in-the-wool liberal. We agree on absolutely nothing when it comes to politics or social issues. But it's not a deal breaker in our relationship.
I think of Marly Matlin and her husband. They are polar political opposites and yet it has no bearing on their marriage. Nor should it IMO.
Again, I just can't wrap my mind around the idea that if one's spouse believes in what Trump espouses or believes him to be the lesser of two evils then you leave that spouse or think less of him.
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whiskerfish
Junior Member
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Post by whiskerfish on Jun 4, 2016 22:25:15 GMT
I'm truly surprised at the people who say that voting for a different political candidate would make them question their spouse and their marriage. So what are the core beliefs that are the most important in your marriage and which are deal-breakers. First and foremost for me is Trust. My spouse lies or cheats, definite deal-breaker. Not one little or white lie but withholding important info or outright lying about it, no go. Cheating, while I know it can be different for different people but for me, it's a dealbreaker. Second: Kindness. If you're mean or not pleasant to my family and/or friends, good chance it's a dealbreaker. I am a very social person and very close to my family and friends. We're a package. Third: Integrity. I think these things go hand in hand with the above two. If I find out you lie and cheat to others, are ruthless in a "me-first" and screw everyone else kind of way, then it's a likely deal-breaker. I hate Hillary Clinton. With a passion. But I can honestly say that if my dh voted for her, it would have no impact on my feelings for him or my relationship with him. I would never dream of saying I'd leave him for that. I don't require that we agree on sociopolitical issues and nor does he. I also have no such requirement of my friends. My closest law school friend is a dyed-in-the-wool liberal. We agree on absolutely nothing when it comes to politics or social issues. But it's not a deal breaker in our relationship. I think of Marly Matlin and her husband. They are polar political opposites and yet it has no bearing on their marriage. Nor should it IMO. Again, I just can't wrap my mind around the idea that if one's spouse believes in what Trump espouses or believes him to be the lesser of two evils then you leave that spouse or think less of him. I have no comment on the rest of your post, but I think you mean Mary Matalin. Marlee Matlin is a deaf actress. |
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~Lauren~
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by ~Lauren~ on Jun 4, 2016 22:30:37 GMT
Thank you. Yes, you're right.
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Deleted
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Oct 7, 2024 23:31:15 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 4, 2016 22:34:25 GMT
We've been together 25 years and we hold certain mutual beliefs. If suddenly, he had such a significant core shift that he voted for someone that believes idealistically so different (180 degrees opposite) than what we have both believed...for me that would cause a great big question about what else may be shifting for him and what is driving his thought process behind these sudden changes.
I would take it as indicative of some bigger cause of the pendulum swing.
My husband's career is in legislative research. He is very involved in politics every day. He's very knowledgeable and well educated on what's what with United States politics. We discuss these topics quite often.
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~Lauren~
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,876
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Post by ~Lauren~ on Jun 4, 2016 22:41:36 GMT
I understand what you're saying Skipping Stones. However, most people don't have sudden swings. It's a gradual thing. Case in point: In my 20's and early 30's I was very much pro-choice, and much more liberal on social issues. (I've always been a fiscal conservative). I'm finding that as I aged into my 40's and 50's and especially now as I"m approaching 60 my views have had a gradual shift to the right. I am now a social conservative. I'd really have to wonder about a spouse wanting to leave me because of that and I wouldn't think very much of the spouse who did.
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Post by cindyupnorth on Jun 4, 2016 22:42:27 GMT
I think it's different for everyone. But my dh and I are pretty much polar opposites on politics. It makes NO difference in how we get alone, or our marriage. It's lent itself to MANY lively discussions at our home though. Our dd's have heard all sides of it. I can't imagine being so narrow minded to not be able to be with someone that thinks the exact same thing as you all the time. I love our differences, and the differences in all people.
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Post by jenis40 on Jun 4, 2016 22:57:42 GMT
If my spouse had a sudden ideological change in his politics, I would look too see what is causing that shift and whatever the underlying cause is may be a deal breaker. If my spouse typically voted liberal and espoused a liberal ideology and voted for a moderate Republican, it may spur some discussion about what he liked about that candidate but I wouldn't consider it detrimental to our relationship. If he suddenly became a hardcore supporter of a racist, misogynistic radically right wing candidate I would consider it detrimental to our relationship. There would have to be much soul searching along with counseling to determine if the relationship was still viable. In this scenario, he is no longer the person I married and we would need to determine if we wanted to remain partners.
For me, this is an important part of marriage like religious beliefs and child raising ideology. I was married before and we were "unequally yoked" so I know this is a deal breaker FOR ME.
I don't consider marriage the same as friendship. I can be friends with people that have very different ideas from me. But that is not ok in a spouse FOR ME.
Again, I'm not speaking of voting for a moderate candidate of either party. My DH and I have canceled each other's votes on occasion.
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Jun 4, 2016 23:01:16 GMT
For us, we don't always agree on the same thing politically, but we are not polar opposites.
It would cause me to pause and wonder if he suddenly started to support someone like Trump, who degenerates women, shaky family values, is putting others at risk, and all the other things he does that are much to long to list out.
It's not at all because my spouse doesn't think exactly the same as me, but 100% because of the type of person that Trump is and what he represents, his values, the way he conducts himself. If my spouse decided he was all about Trump, I would not see him as the man I thought he was for the last 20 years.
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Post by monklady123 on Jun 4, 2016 23:02:57 GMT
I'm truly surprised at the people who say that voting for a different political candidate would make them question their spouse and their marriage.
So what are the core beliefs that are the most important in your marriage and which are deal-breakers. First and foremost for me is Trust. My spouse lies or cheats, definite deal-breaker. Not one little or white lie but withholding important info or outright lying about it, no go. Cheating, while I know it can be different for different people but for me, it's a dealbreaker. Second: Kindness. If you're mean or not pleasant to my family and/or friends, good chance it's a dealbreaker. I am a very social person and very close to my family and friends. We're a package. Third: Integrity. I think these things go hand in hand with the above two. If I find out you lie and cheat to others, are ruthless in a "me-first" and screw everyone else kind of way, then it's a likely deal-breaker. I hate Hillary Clinton. With a passion. But I can honestly say that if my dh voted for her, it would have no impact on my feelings for him or my relationship with him. I would never dream of saying I'd leave him for that. I don't require that we agree on sociopolitical issues and nor does he. I also have no such requirement of my friends. My closest law school friend is a dyed-in-the-wool liberal. We agree on absolutely nothing when it comes to politics or social issues. But it's not a deal breaker in our relationship. I think of Marly Matlin and her husband. They are polar political opposites and yet it has no bearing on their marriage. Nor should it IMO. Again, I just can't wrap my mind around the idea that if one's spouse believes in what Trump espouses or believes him to be the lesser of two evils then you leave that spouse or think less of him. It's not just a "different political candidate"... in this case it's Donald Trump. I would be seriously disappointed in my dh, and would question if he was the man I married if he came home to say he was supporting Donald Trump. Donald Trump is racist and a misogynist and creepy and childlike (not necessarily a bad thing normally, but in our president...?) and shady and a bunch of other things. He's belligerent and scares me to death to think of him with his finger on "the" button. If my dh had told me he was going to vote for George Bush (either one)...well, our votes would have canceled each other, but at least both Presidents Bush conducted themselves in a mature and professional manner. Donald Trump is awful. Just awful.  |
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~Lauren~
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by ~Lauren~ on Jun 4, 2016 23:05:19 GMT
I don't understand why people assume that it would be a "sudden" switch?
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Jun 4, 2016 23:07:41 GMT
I don't understand why people assume that it would be a "sudden" switch? Because presumably, we know our spouses, and if they suddenly started supporting this scary awful person, it would cause great concern. |
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Nink
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by Nink on Jun 4, 2016 23:10:38 GMT
DH brother is a Trump supporter. My DH supports Bernie. They are no longer speaking to one another because of this election. DH posted something on FB about Bernie and his brother came out guns a blazing saying he was done with him etc., I think it's sad, but ever since this whole election started I have noticed a complete swing in his brothers character.
Ever since his new found love of Trump, he has become a blatant racist, Muslim hating, homophobic asshole. And is very public about it. If the situation were reversed and DH turned into that person I could no longer stand to be around him. So yes, I guess you could say it would be deal breaker. Not only because he's voting for Trump, but because he feels like he now has a free pass to be a complete asshole.
ETA: we've been married for 22 years and I can honestly say I've NEVER once seen these traits in his brother prior to supporting Trump.
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~Lauren~
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by ~Lauren~ on Jun 4, 2016 23:14:10 GMT
But those two things are not cemented together. If your dh's brother feels he has a pass to be a complete asshole, then his issues are more than simply his choice of candidate.
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Nink
Pearl Clutcher
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Location: North Idaho
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Post by Nink on Jun 4, 2016 23:25:45 GMT
But those two things are not cemented together. If your dh's brother feels he has a pass to be a complete asshole, then his issues are more than simply his choice of candidate. I get what you're saying and I agree with you Lauren to a point. In MY circle of friends and family who support this man I have noticed much of the same behavior changes in many of them. Not quite to the extreme that BIL has taken it, but still. Perhaps they've always felt this way and are just now finding a voice. I'm really not sure. But in my experience so far it seems to go hand in hand and it makes me sad. I'm an independent so I have friends and family on both sides and am shocked by what I've seen lately. From both sides. I imagine the opposite may be true as well for people who support Trump looking at loved ones differently who support Hillary. This whole election makes me nauseous. |
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Post by cindyupnorth on Jun 4, 2016 23:36:22 GMT
I too was thinking that Lauren. Why is everyone assuming it was a sudden change? so you cant be attracted too,or fall in love with someone that doesn't have the same political leanings as you? Is that what you guys are saying? It has to be a change afterwards.
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Jun 4, 2016 23:43:09 GMT
I too was thinking that Lauren. Why is everyone assuming it was a sudden change? so you cant be attracted too,or fall in love with someone that doesn't have the same political leanings as you? Is that what you guys are saying? It has to be a change afterwards. It's impossible to know who each candidate will be years into the future! It's not that they have to think just like you, it's about the individual. We've never had a candidate like Trump, ever. So for a spouse, family member, friend to take up Trump's cross as their own, it would be a sudden shift. I think you're over thinking this. The "sudden" has to do with Trump, the person. It's not a gradual shift in ideals, party, graduation from liberal to conservative, or even dem to rep or rep to dem. It's solely supporting Trump as he portrays himself day after day. |
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Post by shaniam on Jun 5, 2016 0:49:03 GMT
We have voted for different candidates before. We have different opinions on several things. Some things I thought would be deal breakers haven't been. Actually it has been him forgiving me and not me him. There are things I think would be automatic deal breakers but I would not do it without counseling and trying to work through them.
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katybee
Drama Llama
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Post by katybee on Jun 5, 2016 0:53:49 GMT
I'm truly surprised at the people who say that voting for a different political candidate would make them question their spouse and their marriage. So what are the core beliefs that are the most important in your marriage and which are deal-breakers. First and foremost for me is Trust. My spouse lies or cheats, definite deal-breaker. Not one little or white lie but withholding important info or outright lying about it, no go. Cheating, while I know it can be different for different people but for me, it's a dealbreaker. Second: Kindness. If you're mean or not pleasant to my family and/or friends, good chance it's a dealbreaker. I am a very social person and very close to my family and friends. We're a package. Third: Integrity. I think these things go hand in hand with the above two. If I find out you lie and cheat to others, are ruthless in a "me-first" and screw everyone else kind of way, then it's a likely deal-breaker. I hate Hillary Clinton. With a passion. But I can honestly say that if my dh voted for her, it would have no impact on my feelings for him or my relationship with him. I would never dream of saying I'd leave him for that. I don't require that we agree on sociopolitical issues and nor does he. I also have no such requirement of my friends. My closest law school friend is a dyed-in-the-wool liberal. We agree on absolutely nothing when it comes to politics or social issues. But it's not a deal breaker in our relationship. I think of Marly Matlin and her husband. They are polar political opposites and yet it has no bearing on their marriage. Nor should it IMO. Again, I just can't wrap my mind around the idea that if one's spouse believes in what Trump espouses or believes him to be the lesser of two evils then you leave that spouse or think less of him. Good thing you do not hold your presidential candidate to the same standards, because Donald Trump fails all three. |
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~Lauren~
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by ~Lauren~ on Jun 5, 2016 0:55:35 GMT
Yes, and so does Hillary and every politician since the beginning of time.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2016 0:57:35 GMT
I too was thinking that Lauren. Why is everyone assuming it was a sudden change? so you cant be attracted too,or fall in love with someone that doesn't have the same political leanings as you? Is that what you guys are saying? It has to be a change afterwards. I didn't date guys who weren't in general of the same religious/political/core values persuasion as I was when I was dating...I wasn't attracted to that. I like a peaceful relationship and wanted a united familial front when raising children. I was young and was not looking for someone who would challenge me...but with whom I could feel supportive of and supported by. I hate confrontation. I feel deeply on certain issues that I consider very basic. If we can't agree on those, there is no basis for a relationship. Because we've been together for so long, basically in agreement on the largest issues...for him to have a change of heart now would be considered a swift change.  |
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Post by freecharlie on Jun 5, 2016 1:05:18 GMT
I'm not sure. If dh were mean to people/pets.
If he were mean or abusive toward myself, my children, or our parents.
That said dh votes republican a lot because he is afraid the Democrats will take his guns. It itritates, because he is a single issue voter and believes more in the Democratic platform, but their stance on guns turns him away.
I often vote democratic because they tend to be more favorable toward my profession and I believe in their platform when it comes to social issues.
We figure our votes cancel each other out quite often. Although this year, I don't think he will vote for trump.
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Post by JBeans on Jun 5, 2016 1:06:41 GMT
Politics do not play a role in my marriage values.
What I find stupefying is how "core values" get turned into a pointless arguement of "where are you on the political spectrum?".
It's stupid.
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Deleted
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Oct 7, 2024 23:31:15 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2016 1:15:09 GMT
As many others have already stated, to me, supporting Trump is not about politics, it's about core values and what you do and don't believe in and/or will stand for.
IMO, there's not much of anything about Trump-the man or the candidate-that is political. I don't think he's running because he cares about this country or even because he has any real political views. I have never heard him articulate any real, coherent political stance on any issue. I watched at least 2 of the R debates, and could not identify one single solitary political stance. He has flip-flopped all over the place, MULTIPLE times, on issues and even what party he supports or belongs to. IMO, he doesn't really give a rat's ass about politics, policy, etc. because he is all about power, control, and what candidacy and FSM forbid, the Presidency could/would do for him, and him alone. I believe he's truly unbalanced and dangerous. I also believe that he's evil and full of hate.
I would never knowingly marry someone who could be ok with the kind of things Trump says and does. If my spouse did do a 180 and suddenly say that what Trump says and does are just "politics," then I'd seriously be questioning what was going on in said spouse's head that had made his core values change so much.
I can co-exist or even marry someone that I have serious political and ideological differences with. But I don't think the things Trump is saying and doing are just political or ideological. They are far more important than that. They're what you've already mentioned, Lauren. They're about core values like family, honor, and virtue. They're about what type of HUMAN BEING he is, and issues of humanity are far more important to me than politics-at least when someone like Trump is one party's nominee. Because once he has all that blind party loyalty behind him, I think our nation is in grave danger of setting off a real bad dark spot in world history.
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Post by melanell on Jun 5, 2016 1:23:41 GMT
I don't understand why people assume that it would be a "sudden" switch? They are talking about real people. Not theoretical people. They are talking about their own spouses or partners, who they know well enough to know that this would be a sudden change for them. This thread is based on comments about the idea that someone might leave their spouse if they voted for Trump. These are not spouses who have traditionally shown similar mindsets or behaviors as Trump is currently showing, or the person stating this wouldn't have married them in the first place. So in order for the spouse to vote for Trump, some sort of change would be a given. And if the person currently has no such qualms with their spouse and their spouse has always been against these types of behaviors and comments and then they announced they were voting for Trump, then I think it seems reasonable to think that this was a sudden change. And sudden and/or drastic changes can be of concern no matter what the change. ehh...I know what I mean, but I can't seem to say it in a way that makes sense. Sorry.  |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2016 1:26:41 GMT
Someone here suggested I divorce my husband because he is voting for Trump. I laughed and did an eye roll cause it would take a lot more than him voting for someone I don't like.
Deal breakers for me are physical abuse, cheating, drug abuse, severe lying (not "oh this dress, it's old" type of lying).
A spouse voting on his party lines is an annoyance but isn't going to send me to divorce court.
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Post by Linda on Jun 5, 2016 1:27:18 GMT
DH and I do not share politcal beliefs - we sometimes vote for the same candidate or the same way on a ballot question but we've rarely come to that decision from the same direction.
We agreed to disagree on politics (and religion) a long time ago.
I don't think that having different beliefs is a deal breaker in relationships (or friendships for that matter). I think the world is a much better place when we surround ourselves with people who look at things differently than we do rather than only people we agree with.
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~Lauren~
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,876
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Post by ~Lauren~ on Jun 5, 2016 1:29:14 GMT
I'm so glad to see some of these latter posts. It gives me hope.
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Post by scrapalotomous on Jun 5, 2016 1:32:51 GMT
**Note this is in an Australian context **
I have always been a die hard voter for one particular party whereas DH has always been a swinging voter. He usually bases his voting on economic issues such as changes in taxation.
The party I don't vote for has policies regarding the treatment of refugees that I find abhorent and believe infringe on the basic human rights of refugees seeking assylum in our country.
I understand that DH might vote for this party because of economic platforms but would really hate it if his decision was based around the policies they have regarding refugees.
Would it be a deal breaker? Probably not but if he started actively promoting this parties idealogy about this issue, attending rallies etc. I think it would show that he isn't as kind hearted, compssionate man I believe him to be.
Hope that makes sense
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Post by utmr on Jun 5, 2016 1:34:26 GMT
For me it ties into the lying and misrepresentation. If I married someone who had presented themselves as a liberal / moderate and they said "hey I'm not a big fan of Bernie and I kind of like (insert some mythical moderate republican)" then that's one thing. But if they presented themselves as a pro choice, anti gun, hard core liberal and then made a sudden radical shift to a hard core mysogynistic anti-choice pro gun rwnj, then I'd have to seriously reconsider what else he had misrepresented to me. I'd probably have him checked for a brain tumor first, but I'd really have to take a hard look at why he had suddenly admitted to these views opposite of what he had originally portrayed.
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Jun 5, 2016 1:43:25 GMT
Yes, and so does Hillary and every politician since the beginning of time. Take Hillary Clinton and anyone currently running out of the conversation and I completely disagree with you. I think there are plenty of politicians on both sides of the aisle who live up to your three core beliefs. Donald Trump is not one of them. I could marry a Republican, I could not be in a serious relationship with anyone who supports Donald Trump. He is filled with hate. He uses hate speech to rally up his supporters. I could not have a relationship with anyone who values hate above all else. For me. Love of all mankind is so fundamentally basic I could not date, yet alone marry anyone who was in any way racist, sexist, a bigot, who hated any group of people. Compassion, and honesty are also deal breakers for me. |
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My original pea date was November 1999 and my number was 1803
