grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
|
Post by grinningcat on Jun 6, 2016 11:17:41 GMT
Overly friendly, needy, stalkerish, boundary stomper. Those are all the things that come to mind when I read about your coworker.
If she wants to be friendly, do it in a business manner. DO NOT bring personal life to the office and for fuck's sake, don't stalk a coworker at home. Private life and work life do not mix, and she seems to not understand that. At all. And gifts and snacks for a child? Completely inappropriate and that would infuriate me... keep my family out of the workplace since they are none of her damn business. It's just a big old boundary stomp that she seems to enjoy walking all over you with.
Just keep being firm and keep shutting her down.
This is not her "just being friendly" or "something that has been stomped out of society"... these are big ass red flags of a woman who doesn't understand propriety or boundaries.
Shut her down firmly.
|
|
grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
|
Post by grinningcat on Jun 6, 2016 11:19:05 GMT
I don't think it matters why, it does. If a reasonable person wouldn't be bothered by it, then the coworker isn't doing anything wrong. OP shouldn't create an issue where there isn't one. There is an issue... her coworker is making her extremely uncomfortable and invading her personal life. If that isn't an issue, then what is?
|
|
|
Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Jun 6, 2016 11:37:05 GMT
I have asked her to stop it really makes me uncomfortable. I think it IS an HR issue. And, FTR, she sounds weird. Who would continue to do things that another person told them flat out makes them uncomfortable?
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 7, 2024 21:21:05 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 6, 2016 11:39:56 GMT
Aren't the treats and games for the grandson, not the dogs? This morning I realized I misread it late last night. My mind did an "autocorrrect" and added the "o" to dgs
|
|
JustTricia
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,842
Location: Indianapolis
Jul 2, 2014 17:12:39 GMT
|
Post by JustTricia on Jun 6, 2016 11:50:39 GMT
Is she going out of her way to drive past your house, or is it on the way out of the neighborhood? If it was on the way I probably would just change the subject every time she brings it up (if it doesn't stop after a week or two then I would say something).
If she goes out of her way I would tell her that is making me uncomfortable and needs to stop. Second time, repeat with more emphasis. Third time, tell her you are going to HR. Fourth time, go to HR. If you even feel like taking that long. You could tell her the next time and then go to HR. It absolutely is a work issue.
|
|
|
Post by myshelly on Jun 6, 2016 11:51:11 GMT
We found out we live in the same neighborhood and she makes comments about seeing things going on at my house-whether my car is there in the morning when she leaves for work, or projects going on in our front yard. This alone would make me uncomfortable. It's stalking. Or at least stalking-like. My mom would do this. She drove by my ex's house for no reason (as in it's not on her way to any where nor did she have a friend in the area) and then report to me what she saw. I told her to knock it off. She still tries to gleam info from people who know him or his sisters. I keep telling her I don't need any info on him. And she wonders why he's so short with her when she does see him. It's creepy! ETA - not sure if it's HR worthy but I'd definitely be doing my best to cut things short. Don't discuss anything she says about what she sees. If she brings treats or games, say thank you but no thank you. Maybe even say something about how he already has that toy, maybe it'd be better if she donated it. Food treats? Simply say no thank you and hand it back. There isn't enough info in the OP to know whether it's stalking or not. She said they live in the same neighborhood. For all we know the coworker *has* to pass OP's house to get to work.
|
|
SweetieBsMom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,750
Jun 25, 2014 19:55:12 GMT
|
Post by SweetieBsMom on Jun 6, 2016 11:58:35 GMT
Her: I drove by your house and saw... You: that's nice. do you have that report ready now? Her: Here are some dog treats! You: Oh, that does not work for me. (Return them. If she laughs and doesn't take them, simply leave them on her desk later. If they show back up on your desk, throw them away. Don't comment or do it with any sweeping gestures, simply dispose of them.) Her: Look, I brought you some yummies I made! You: That was very kind of you. I will be taking a donation to (the firehouse, the food bank) and I will drop this off with my food. Her: What is up with the construction in your front yard? You: Oh, long boring story. Excuse me, I have a phone call to make right now. Bye! You just want to start by cutting her off at the pass. You don't have to engage with what some perceive as friendliness and kindness but what to you is irritating and excessively nosy. Change the subject, refuse/dispose/reallocate gifts, and move forward with business issues. This. If the above doesn't get her to back off then I'd escalate it to your Manager.
|
|
JustTricia
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,842
Location: Indianapolis
Jul 2, 2014 17:12:39 GMT
|
Post by JustTricia on Jun 6, 2016 12:08:27 GMT
This alone would make me uncomfortable. It's stalking. Or at least stalking-like. My mom would do this. She drove by my ex's house for no reason (as in it's not on her way to any where nor did she have a friend in the area) and then report to me what she saw. I told her to knock it off. She still tries to gleam info from people who know him or his sisters. I keep telling her I don't need any info on him. And she wonders why he's so short with her when she does see him. It's creepy! ETA - not sure if it's HR worthy but I'd definitely be doing my best to cut things short. Don't discuss anything she says about what she sees. If she brings treats or games, say thank you but no thank you. Maybe even say something about how he already has that toy, maybe it'd be better if she donated it. Food treats? Simply say no thank you and hand it back. There isn't enough info in the OP to know whether it's stalking or not. She said they live in the same neighborhood. For all we know the coworker *has* to pass OP's house to get to work. There may not be enough info to decide whether or not it's stalking, but the OP has requested the co-worker stop. She may have to drive past her house to get in or out of the neighborhood, but she doesn't need to comment or question her about it. The OP has asked her to stop. No means no, right? Not "ignore what I'm saying about respecting me as a person and continue to do whatever the hell you want to do". I live across the street from someone I've know since I was five, went to kindergarten through senior year with him, am Facebook friends with him. They have a few crazy friends who like to decorate their tree, flamingo their yard, etc. I see it all. I have never asked him about it. What happens in his yard is his business. If he brings it up I'll talk WITH him, but I won't pry into his business.
|
|
Country Ham
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,314
Jun 25, 2014 19:32:08 GMT
|
Post by Country Ham on Jun 6, 2016 12:16:37 GMT
Overly friendly, needy, stalkerish, boundary stomper. Those are all the things that come to mind when I read about your coworker. If she wants to be friendly, do it in a business manner. DO NOT bring personal life to the office and for fuck's sake, don't stalk a coworker at home. Private life and work life do not mix, and she seems to not understand that. At all. And gifts and snacks for a child? Completely inappropriate and that would infuriate me... keep my family out of the workplace since they are none of her damn business. It's just a big old boundary stomp that she seems to enjoy walking all over you with. They live in the same neighborhood, and she drives by her house. How is that stalking her at home? Did she look in the OPs file at work and obtain her address? Did she go through her purse to find out the OP had grandsons? I live in a very residential subdivision. One road in/out and it's a big block with one street cutting through the middle. We can't fart sideways without someone noticing. What kind of small talk do you have with your neighbors if you didn't chat about things like the OP mentions? "Love what you are doing with the front yard" "You were gone early this morning hope everything's ok?" "Who's putting up your new deck, I am looking for someone to build a front porch" etc etc I live in a county where the whole population is 7,800 and the population of my town itself is 1,500 but we are the center of the county. Back in Canada I worked in a large city. When I moved to a subdivision outside the city I remember how neat it was to find other nurses who lived there. Within a couple months of living there we were all car pooling in winter, we all had occasional cookouts together, went clubbing together etc. In a city of a 100,000 it was a welcome to realize our neighbors were also co-workers as it was a way to bond. Those relationships were built upon general chit chat like the OP describes. ETA: no to the gifts I understand, no to conversation starters puzzles me. It really does.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 7, 2024 21:21:05 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 6, 2016 12:24:10 GMT
Overly friendly, needy, stalkerish, boundary stomper. Those are all the things that come to mind when I read about your coworker. If she wants to be friendly, do it in a business manner. DO NOT bring personal life to the office and for fuck's sake, don't stalk a coworker at home. Private life and work life do not mix, and she seems to not understand that. At all. And gifts and snacks for a child? Completely inappropriate and that would infuriate me... keep my family out of the workplace since they are none of her damn business. It's just a big old boundary stomp that she seems to enjoy walking all over you with. They live in the same neighborhood, and she drives by her house. How is that stalking her at home? Did she look in the OPs file at work and obtain her address? Did she go through her purse to find out the OP had grandsons? I live in a very residential subdivision. One road in/out and it's a big block with one street cutting through the middle. We can't fart sideways without someone noticing. What kind of small talk do you have with your neighbors if you didn't chat about things like the OP mentions? "Love what you are doing with the front yard" "You were gone early this morning hope everything's ok?" "Who's putting up your new deck, I am looking for someone to build a front porch" etc etc I live in a county where the whole population is 7,800 and the population of my town itself is 1,500 but we are the center of the county. Back in Canada I worked in a large city. When I moved to a subdivision outside the city I remember how neat it was to find other nurses who lived there. Within a couple months of living there we were all car pooling in winter, we all had occasional cookouts together, went clubbing together etc. In a city of a 100,000 it was a welcome to realize our neighbors were also co-workers as it was a way to bond. Those relationships were built upon general chit chat like the OP describes. ETA: no to the gifts I understand, no to conversation starters puzzles me. It really does. I'm am SUPER glad I don't know you or Myshelly in real life. Neither one of you seem to understand boundaries. I don't want my coworkers commenting on my personal life at work. Period. And if I tell you to stop I expect it to stop. I keep a sharp division between my work and private life. I'm not asking you to understand it or agree with it. But I will make sure you comply with it... even it that means I start my own campaign to get you fired. eta: If you want to start a convo do it with a work related topic. There are plenty of those. Leave people's private life out of it. Let them bring it up if they want to discuss their private life at work.
|
|
JustTricia
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,842
Location: Indianapolis
Jul 2, 2014 17:12:39 GMT
|
Post by JustTricia on Jun 6, 2016 12:25:58 GMT
Overly friendly, needy, stalkerish, boundary stomper. Those are all the things that come to mind when I read about your coworker. If she wants to be friendly, do it in a business manner. DO NOT bring personal life to the office and for fuck's sake, don't stalk a coworker at home. Private life and work life do not mix, and she seems to not understand that. At all. And gifts and snacks for a child? Completely inappropriate and that would infuriate me... keep my family out of the workplace since they are none of her damn business. It's just a big old boundary stomp that she seems to enjoy walking all over you with. They live in the same neighborhood, and she drives by her house. How is that stalking her at home? Did she look in the OPs file at work and obtain her address? Did she go through her purse to find out the OP had grandsons? I live in a very residential subdivision. One road in/out and it's a big block with one street cutting through the middle. We can't fart sideways without someone noticing. What kind of small talk do you have with your neighbors if you didn't chat about things like the OP mentions? "Love what you are doing with the front yard" "You were gone early this morning hope everything's ok?" "Who's putting up your new deck, I am looking for someone to build a front porch" etc etc I live in a county where the whole population is 7,800 and the population of my town itself is 1,500 but we are the center of the county. Back in Canada I worked in a large city. When I moved to a subdivision outside the city I remember how neat it was to find other nurses who lived there. Within a couple months of living there we were all car pooling in winter, we all had occasional cookouts together, went clubbing together etc. In a city of a 100,000 it was a welcome to realize our neighbors were also co-workers as it was a way to bond. Those relationships were built upon general chit chat like the OP describes. ETA: no to the gifts I understand, no to conversation starters puzzles me. It really does. And other people like their privacy, regardless of where they live. I would feel creeped out if my neighbor asked me if everything was okay because I left earlier than normal one morning. I could work in the same neighborhood with the same work hours as three other co-workers, and would decline to carpool with them. You have to learn to get a feeling about your neighbors / co-workers. If they want to chit chat about their personal life, that's fine! But, if they flat out tell you they don't, you (General you) need to respect that. And the co-worker is not.
|
|
anniebygaslight
Drama Llama
I'd love a cup of tea. #1966
Posts: 7,402
Location: Third Rock from the sun.
Jun 28, 2014 14:08:19 GMT
|
Post by anniebygaslight on Jun 6, 2016 12:26:28 GMT
I get her being uncomfortable. I probably would feel the same. I compartmentalize work and home and would feel as though my privacy is being invaded by a coworker bringing up stuff at home. Add in the dog treats and it sounds like crossing my boundaries without permission. Why not bin the treats and tell her that the dogs won't eat them. The commenting and questioning about your house and projects makes me think she is fishing for an invitation. Don't let one be forthcoming.
|
|
|
Post by Merge on Jun 6, 2016 12:27:53 GMT
Overly friendly, needy, stalkerish, boundary stomper. Those are all the things that come to mind when I read about your coworker. If she wants to be friendly, do it in a business manner. DO NOT bring personal life to the office and for fuck's sake, don't stalk a coworker at home. Private life and work life do not mix, and she seems to not understand that. At all. And gifts and snacks for a child? Completely inappropriate and that would infuriate me... keep my family out of the workplace since they are none of her damn business. It's just a big old boundary stomp that she seems to enjoy walking all over you with. They live in the same neighborhood, and she drives by her house. How is that stalking her at home? Did she look in the OPs file at work and obtain her address? Did she go through her purse to find out the OP had grandsons? I live in a very residential subdivision. One road in/out and it's a big block with one street cutting through the middle. We can't fart sideways without someone noticing. What kind of small talk do you have with your neighbors if you didn't chat about things like the OP mentions? "Love what you are doing with the front yard" "You were gone early this morning hope everything's ok?" "Who's putting up your new deck, I am looking for someone to build a front porch" etc etc I live in a county where the whole population is 7,800 and the population of my town itself is 1,500 but we are the center of the county. Back in Canada I worked in a large city. When I moved to a subdivision outside the city I remember how neat it was to find other nurses who lived there. Within a couple months of living there we were all car pooling in winter, we all had occasional cookouts together, went clubbing together etc. In a city of a 100,000 it was a welcome to realize our neighbors were also co-workers as it was a way to bond. Those relationships were built upon general chit chat like the OP describes. ETA: no to the gifts I understand, no to conversation starters puzzles me. It really does. I agree with you. These seem to me to be simple overtures of friendship. I guess I'm glad that my co-workers don't have the "work and personal life can never mix" rule, because my very best friends are past coworkers. Where on earth else are adults supposed to meet new friends? Our neighbors in this area are standoffish and keep to themselves, so if not for work friends, we'd have no one to talk to or get together with - and that goes for both me in a teaching environment and DH in a corporate environment.
|
|
grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
|
Post by grinningcat on Jun 6, 2016 12:28:18 GMT
Overly friendly, needy, stalkerish, boundary stomper. Those are all the things that come to mind when I read about your coworker. If she wants to be friendly, do it in a business manner. DO NOT bring personal life to the office and for fuck's sake, don't stalk a coworker at home. Private life and work life do not mix, and she seems to not understand that. At all. And gifts and snacks for a child? Completely inappropriate and that would infuriate me... keep my family out of the workplace since they are none of her damn business. It's just a big old boundary stomp that she seems to enjoy walking all over you with. They live in the same neighborhood, and she drives by her house. How is that stalking her at home? Did she look in the OPs file at work and obtain her address? Did she go through her purse to find out the OP had grandsons? I live in a very residential subdivision. One road in/out and it's a big block with one street cutting through the middle. We can't fart sideways without someone noticing. What kind of small talk do you have with your neighbors if you didn't chat about things like the OP mentions? "Love what you are doing with the front yard" "You were gone early this morning hope everything's ok?" "Who's putting up your new deck, I am looking for someone to build a front porch" etc etc I live in a county where the whole population is 7,800 and the population of my town itself is 1,500 but we are the center of the county. Back in Canada I worked in a large city. When I moved to a subdivision outside the city I remember how neat it was to find other nurses who lived there. Within a couple months of living there we were all car pooling in winter, we all had occasional cookouts together, went clubbing together etc. In a city of a 100,000 it was a welcome to realize our neighbors were also co-workers as it was a way to bond. Those relationships were built upon general chit chat like the OP describes. Chatting with your neighbours is completely different than a coworker spying on you. Of the three comments you made out to be neighbour talk, the first one I've said to my neighbours, the second one is none of my business and would get a major side eye if a neighbour tried to pull that on me, and the third is pretty much the same as the first, though I prefer my own sources... but whatever. We have a great relationship with the one family on the right and a tolerable relationship with the annoying old man who lives on the left. Beyond that, I'm not really interested in chit chat with the neighbours. Nor is anyone else. It's just not in our wheelhouse... well unless you have a dog, then we may stop you as you walk by since we're on the hunt for a second dog. I am assuming the OP did not share her address with the idiot coworker. I am appalled that the coworker would take it on herself to drive by the house and take notice of anything. Idiot coworker is not a neighbour and the scenario above would not apply. Any unrequested comments about my private home and yard from a nosy, idiot coworker would not be taken very well. I have specifically eliminated certain areas in our house hunting because I have a boundary stomper coworker who would do exactly what this idiot coworker in the OP is doing... he has no sense of boundaries and I can barely tolerate listening to his bullshit now, I am completely uninterested in his commentaries about my home as well. He make comments much like the OP's idiot coworker about a friend of mine's house who unfortunately bought a house near my boundary stomping coworker. He'd make comments about seeing my friend out in the yard, or with the kids, or whatever. It was CREEPY. I am not interested in making friends or even knowing where my colleagues live. I know few people who are willing to do this. I'm not interested in giving up my independence at work or my privacy. Work is work, home is home. There's nothing to mix. If they live in the same area, that's unfortunate but that doesn't give anyone, especially a coworker, the right to interfere, make comments or even acknowledge that they have seen that person's domain outside of work.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 7, 2024 21:21:05 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 6, 2016 12:31:09 GMT
I will validate you OP. I have the same issue at work and I as well need boundaries between work and personal life. That being said, I would not go to HR, just yet. Become more distant, keep things work related and hopefully she'll get the hint. I have been playing the avoidance game with a coworker who sits outside my office. She way overshares and is super needy and clingy. Just recently, after months of declining hanging out and being super busy at work has she just started backing off. I am nice but distant - therefore nothing for HER to complain about either. Good luck!
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 7, 2024 21:21:05 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 6, 2016 12:31:40 GMT
I live in the same neighborhood as my ex. I do not have to drive by his house to get to mine or anywhere else. Our neighborhood consists of 6 streets that run East and West and 4 that run north and south. The op doesn't offer details on how her neighborhood is set up. It could be like mine with numerous of routes or it could be like my parents - one way in, one way out. You have to drive by their house unless you live on one of the few houses before them. I do not comment on anything I see at my ex's house to him if our dog walking route takes us within sight of his house (and it often does). The OP's co worker could be purposefully driving past her house to be nosy or it could be the way it's set up.
Commenting on the going ons of her house is stalker-ish. It shows the OP that her co worker is driving past and looking at her house. That would bother me. The frequency of her comments would disturb me. However, I'm a very private person. I don't want someone who drove past my house to ask me what I'm building or doing.
|
|
JustTricia
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,842
Location: Indianapolis
Jul 2, 2014 17:12:39 GMT
|
Post by JustTricia on Jun 6, 2016 12:32:53 GMT
They live in the same neighborhood, and she drives by her house. How is that stalking her at home? Did she look in the OPs file at work and obtain her address? Did she go through her purse to find out the OP had grandsons? I live in a very residential subdivision. One road in/out and it's a big block with one street cutting through the middle. We can't fart sideways without someone noticing. What kind of small talk do you have with your neighbors if you didn't chat about things like the OP mentions? "Love what you are doing with the front yard" "You were gone early this morning hope everything's ok?" "Who's putting up your new deck, I am looking for someone to build a front porch" etc etc I live in a county where the whole population is 7,800 and the population of my town itself is 1,500 but we are the center of the county. Back in Canada I worked in a large city. When I moved to a subdivision outside the city I remember how neat it was to find other nurses who lived there. Within a couple months of living there we were all car pooling in winter, we all had occasional cookouts together, went clubbing together etc. In a city of a 100,000 it was a welcome to realize our neighbors were also co-workers as it was a way to bond. Those relationships were built upon general chit chat like the OP describes. ETA: no to the gifts I understand, no to conversation starters puzzles me. It really does. I agree with you. These seem to me to be simple overtures of friendship. I guess I'm glad that my co-workers don't have the "work and personal life can never mix" rule, because my very best friends are past coworkers. Where on earth else are adults supposed to meet new friends? Our neighbors in this area are standoffish and keep to themselves, so if not for work friends, we'd have no one to talk to or get together with - and that goes for both me in a teaching environment and DH in a corporate environment. I understand wanting to make friends. Truly, I do. But, the OP has asked the co-worker to stop. If you were said co-worker, exhibiting what you say are simple overtures of friendship, would you continue once asked to stop? That's the part I am focused on. Had she not asked co-worker to stop, I would have a different opinion.
|
|
grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
|
Post by grinningcat on Jun 6, 2016 12:33:08 GMT
They live in the same neighborhood, and she drives by her house. How is that stalking her at home? Did she look in the OPs file at work and obtain her address? Did she go through her purse to find out the OP had grandsons? I live in a very residential subdivision. One road in/out and it's a big block with one street cutting through the middle. We can't fart sideways without someone noticing. What kind of small talk do you have with your neighbors if you didn't chat about things like the OP mentions? "Love what you are doing with the front yard" "You were gone early this morning hope everything's ok?" "Who's putting up your new deck, I am looking for someone to build a front porch" etc etc I live in a county where the whole population is 7,800 and the population of my town itself is 1,500 but we are the center of the county. Back in Canada I worked in a large city. When I moved to a subdivision outside the city I remember how neat it was to find other nurses who lived there. Within a couple months of living there we were all car pooling in winter, we all had occasional cookouts together, went clubbing together etc. In a city of a 100,000 it was a welcome to realize our neighbors were also co-workers as it was a way to bond. Those relationships were built upon general chit chat like the OP describes. ETA: no to the gifts I understand, no to conversation starters puzzles me. It really does. I agree with you. These seem to me to be simple overtures of friendship. I guess I'm glad that my co-workers don't have the "work and personal life can never mix" rule, because my very best friends are past coworkers. Where on earth else are adults supposed to meet new friends? Our neighbors in this area are standoffish and keep to themselves, so if not for work friends, we'd have no one to talk to or get together with - and that goes for both me in a teaching environment and DH in a corporate environment. Past coworkers are a different bowl of cherries than a current coworker. I have made friends through work, but it has been very carefully done. I do not believe in mixing business and pleasure and the handful of friends (actually less than a handful, I would say 3 total in the last 15 years) but these people tended to be different from other colleagues. And the friendships very much stay out of the professional area, generally started after the person has left the workplace or the department. They are the only colleagues (they aren't even really colleagues, they work in different departments with zero interaction with me business wise) that I will friend on social media... I will not friend people I work with directly on any social media and actually block them. I feel the separation between work and personal life is that important.
|
|
Country Ham
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,314
Jun 25, 2014 19:32:08 GMT
|
Post by Country Ham on Jun 6, 2016 12:35:49 GMT
I'm am SUPER glad I don't know you or Myshelly in real life. Neither one of you seem to understand boundaries. I don't want my coworkers commenting on my personal life at work. Period. And if I tell you to stop I expect it to stop. I keep a sharp division between my work and private life. I'm not asking you to understand it or agree with it. But I will make sure you comply with it... even it that means I start my own campaign to get you fired. eta: If you want to start a convo do it with a work related topic. There are plenty of those. Leave people's private life out of it. Let them bring it up if they want to discuss their private life at work. Well someone told her co-worker where she lived, and that she has grandchildren. And if you get all bent out of shape because you run into a neighbor at work, the store etc and they comment "I Love your new bird feeders. Get many hummingbirds? Hubby and I were thinking of putting some up ourselves" Then it's more about you then the neighbor. The ability to make small talk, and establish a basic relationship with people around you is important. You don't have to be best friends with everyone and I am not talking a constant bombardment of neighborly interest either. Even with my former coworkers it wasn't every weekend etc. But in the middle of a canadian blizzard it was great to have neighbors with a 4 wheel drive truck willing to drive all of us working that shift in the neighborhood then having someone getting stuck in the snow. But if we hadn't taken the time to establish a relationship with each other as neighbors we might not of been able to rely on each other.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 7, 2024 21:21:05 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 6, 2016 12:38:12 GMT
I agree with you. These seem to me to be simple overtures of friendship. I guess I'm glad that my co-workers don't have the "work and personal life can never mix" rule, because my very best friends are past coworkers. Where on earth else are adults supposed to meet new friends? Our neighbors in this area are standoffish and keep to themselves, so if not for work friends, we'd have no one to talk to or get together with - and that goes for both me in a teaching environment and DH in a corporate environment. But some of us don't want new friends. And you can make new friends through church, volunteering, gyms, etc. There would be common interests. Work throws a bunch of people together who may or may not have common interests. Friendships are not required.
|
|
|
Post by Merge on Jun 6, 2016 12:47:38 GMT
I agree with you. These seem to me to be simple overtures of friendship. I guess I'm glad that my co-workers don't have the "work and personal life can never mix" rule, because my very best friends are past coworkers. Where on earth else are adults supposed to meet new friends? Our neighbors in this area are standoffish and keep to themselves, so if not for work friends, we'd have no one to talk to or get together with - and that goes for both me in a teaching environment and DH in a corporate environment. But some of us don't want new friends. And you can make new friends through church, volunteering, gyms, etc. There would be common interests. Work throws a bunch of people together who may or may not have common interests. Friendships are not required. Of course they're not required, and I totally get that you don't want to be friends with everyone at work. But we don't all attend church or have much time for volunteering - my past co-worker friends became my good friends while we were still co-workers.
|
|
|
Post by myshelly on Jun 6, 2016 12:47:59 GMT
They live in the same neighborhood, and she drives by her house. How is that stalking her at home? Did she look in the OPs file at work and obtain her address? Did she go through her purse to find out the OP had grandsons? I live in a very residential subdivision. One road in/out and it's a big block with one street cutting through the middle. We can't fart sideways without someone noticing. What kind of small talk do you have with your neighbors if you didn't chat about things like the OP mentions? "Love what you are doing with the front yard" "You were gone early this morning hope everything's ok?" "Who's putting up your new deck, I am looking for someone to build a front porch" etc etc I live in a county where the whole population is 7,800 and the population of my town itself is 1,500 but we are the center of the county. Back in Canada I worked in a large city. When I moved to a subdivision outside the city I remember how neat it was to find other nurses who lived there. Within a couple months of living there we were all car pooling in winter, we all had occasional cookouts together, went clubbing together etc. In a city of a 100,000 it was a welcome to realize our neighbors were also co-workers as it was a way to bond. Those relationships were built upon general chit chat like the OP describes. ETA: no to the gifts I understand, no to conversation starters puzzles me. It really does. I'm am SUPER glad I don't know you or Myshelly in real life. Neither one of you seem to understand boundaries. I don't want my coworkers commenting on my personal life at work. Period. And if I tell you to stop I expect it to stop. I keep a sharp division between my work and private life. I'm not asking you to understand it or agree with it. But I will make sure you comply with it... even it that means I start my own campaign to get you fired. eta: If you want to start a convo do it with a work related topic. There are plenty of those. Leave people's private life out of it. Let them bring it up if they want to discuss their private life at work. Not all workplaces work that way. I understand that you work at a large university and your workplace has strict procedures in HR. Not all companies do. Nor do they have to. I think it's likely that if OP goes to HR woth what's in the OP (unless there's more info she hasn't told us), they'll just think she's crazy. I just don't think that one person gets to single handely dictate the vibe of the workplace. Some workplaces are friendly. Unless there's more info the OP just seems to me like a really bizarre overeating to someone trying to make conversation.
|
|
|
Post by myshelly on Jun 6, 2016 12:51:20 GMT
I agree with you. These seem to me to be simple overtures of friendship. I guess I'm glad that my co-workers don't have the "work and personal life can never mix" rule, because my very best friends are past coworkers. Where on earth else are adults supposed to meet new friends? Our neighbors in this area are standoffish and keep to themselves, so if not for work friends, we'd have no one to talk to or get together with - and that goes for both me in a teaching environment and DH in a corporate environment. But some of us don't want new friends. And you can make new friends through church, volunteering, gyms, etc. There would be common interests. Work throws a bunch of people together who may or may not have common interests. Friendships are not required. No, friendships aren't required. And no one is saying they are. But to walk into a place with an attitude of "I don't want to be friends with anyone here" just seems really miserable.
|
|
grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
|
Post by grinningcat on Jun 6, 2016 12:51:56 GMT
I'm am SUPER glad I don't know you or Myshelly in real life. Neither one of you seem to understand boundaries. I don't want my coworkers commenting on my personal life at work. Period. And if I tell you to stop I expect it to stop. I keep a sharp division between my work and private life. I'm not asking you to understand it or agree with it. But I will make sure you comply with it... even it that means I start my own campaign to get you fired. eta: If you want to start a convo do it with a work related topic. There are plenty of those. Leave people's private life out of it. Let them bring it up if they want to discuss their private life at work. Well someone told her co-worker where she lived, and that she has grandchildren. And if you get all bent out of shape because you run into a neighbor at work, the store etc and they comment "I Love your new bird feeders. Get many hummingbirds? Hubby and I were thinking of putting some up ourselves" Then it's more about you then the neighbor. The ability to make small talk, and establish a basic relationship with people around you is important. You don't have to be best friends with everyone and I am not talking a constant bombardment of neighborly interest either. Even with my former coworkers it wasn't every weekend etc. But in the middle of a canadian blizzard it was great to have neighbors with a 4 wheel drive truck willing to drive all of us working that shift in the neighborhood then having someone getting stuck in the snow. But if we hadn't taken the time to establish a relationship with each other as neighbors we might not of been able to rely on each other. There are a myriad of topics for conversation that doesn't involve a coworker's private life and space that can lend to making a connection between coworkers. It would be one thing if the OP was open to having these conversations about her private life with a coworker who lives close to her. It's obvious that she's not comfortable or interested in a coworker who lives nearby. The point is that a person should have the right to control how much of their private life is discussed at work, whether it's a lot (like my idiot coworker who just can't help himself) or very limited (like me). I don't understand how avoiding personal topics would stunt a professional office relationship. As for Canadian blizzards, if it's that bad you shouldn't be driving in them anyway. 4x4 is not the be all and end all for safe driving.
|
|
grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
|
Post by grinningcat on Jun 6, 2016 12:55:46 GMT
I'm am SUPER glad I don't know you or Myshelly in real life. Neither one of you seem to understand boundaries. I don't want my coworkers commenting on my personal life at work. Period. And if I tell you to stop I expect it to stop. I keep a sharp division between my work and private life. I'm not asking you to understand it or agree with it. But I will make sure you comply with it... even it that means I start my own campaign to get you fired. eta: If you want to start a convo do it with a work related topic. There are plenty of those. Leave people's private life out of it. Let them bring it up if they want to discuss their private life at work. Not all workplaces work that way. I understand that you work at a large university and your workplace has strict procedures in HR. Not all companies do. Nor do they have to. I think it's likely that if OP goes to HR woth what's in the OP (unless there's more info she hasn't told us), they'll just think she's crazy. I just don't think that one person gets to single handely dictate the vibe of the workplace. Some workplaces are friendly. Unless there's more info the OP just seems to me like a really bizarre overeating to someone trying to make conversation. It's not a question of one person dictating the vibe of the workplace. It's a question of each individual being allowed to dictate and control what (if any) personal information is shared within the workplace between colleagues. My one colleague shares every single snippet of drama from his personal life, it's ridiculous and I can't imagine living his drama filled annoying life. My other colleague shares a bit more than me but far less than the annoying one does, but she controls what she shares and with whom. I share, if it's relevant to the conversation and if I feel that it's not going to threaten my privacy. Basically if I am comfortable. We have a friendly office, but most of our conversations revolve around the office or around news and weather and stuff like that.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 7, 2024 21:21:05 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 6, 2016 13:08:58 GMT
Overly friendly, needy, stalkerish, boundary stomper. Those are all the things that come to mind when I read about your coworker. If she wants to be friendly, do it in a business manner. DO NOT bring personal life to the office and for fuck's sake, don't stalk a coworker at home. Private life and work life do not mix, and she seems to not understand that. At all. And gifts and snacks for a child? Completely inappropriate and that would infuriate me... keep my family out of the workplace since they are none of her damn business. It's just a big old boundary stomp that she seems to enjoy walking all over you with. Just keep being firm and keep shutting her down. This is not her "just being friendly" or "something that has been stomped out of society"... these are big ass red flags of a woman who doesn't understand propriety or boundaries. Shut her down firmly. I agree that boundaries need to be set, but presumably the coworker knows where the OP lives because the OP *told* her, which could easily be perceived as a friendly overture. My guess is that there have been mixed signals to the coworker and she's confused. There needs to be a direct conversation about the OP's desire to shut any friendliness down and she needs to be specific about what that means. Women are notorious for not being very direct, so I can't help but wonder just how the coworker was told that the OP is not comfortable and she needs to stop. I used to have a coworker who lived in my neighborhood and I'd occasionally comment on things about her house (and vice versa) - like I noticed they redid their landscaping when I was walking the dog and the next time I saw her, I mentioned it looked nice. I wasn't stalking her; I was being friendly.
|
|
|
Post by myshelly on Jun 6, 2016 13:12:36 GMT
I totally agree about the mixed signals.
At some point the OP told coworker where she lives, about her grandson, etc.
Now the OP wants to pull back.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 7, 2024 21:21:05 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 6, 2016 13:25:21 GMT
I consider them work friends. Truly I am not miserable and have an outgoing personality. But I don't have the time or energy for work friend playdates. I am involved in PTA, local politics and have long standing friendships. I'm not a cranky loner, lol.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 7, 2024 21:21:05 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 6, 2016 13:31:15 GMT
I totally agree about the mixed signals. At some point the OP told coworker where she lives, about her grandson, etc. Now the OP wants to pull back. Maybe it's not so much she wants to pull back. Maybe it's more of she shared that she has a grandson and the co-worker took it upon herself to bring in treats for him. If a co-worker did that simply because I said I have a young child, I'd be uncomfortable. Maybe the same neighborhood came up in friendly conversation and now she's taking it too far. That's too much for me. I don't mind sharing little bits and pieces but i don't want my coworker to start bringing me treats for my dog or kids or to make comments about my car still being in the driveway. There's friendly and there's over friendly, no respect for boundaries.
|
|
|
Post by STBC on Jun 6, 2016 13:42:05 GMT
But some of us don't want new friends. And you can make new friends through church, volunteering, gyms, etc. There would be common interests. Work throws a bunch of people together who may or may not have common interests. Friendships are not required. I work for a very large company in a medium-sized town - the major employer of the area. Even when I do make friends outside of work, a lot of times the person also works for the same company. Even if I don't directly work with someone now, with job shifts and changes in responsibilities, I could possibly in the future. It's happened. If I shut out all who worked for the same company, my pool of possible friends would diminish greatly. I'm OK with making friends in the workplace. I guess that's just what I used to ... growing up, it wasn't uncommon for my parents to be friends with their coworkers. Some of my mom's close friends are her former co-workers. Same is true with me. I don't go out of my way to make friends at work, but if it happens, that's fine.
|
|