leeny
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,760
Location: Northern California
Site Supporter
Jun 27, 2014 1:55:53 GMT
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Post by leeny on Jun 6, 2016 2:41:35 GMT
I recently retired from a 25 year career in government and took a position at a non-profit because I really do enjoy working, just wanted less stress. At the new job, I have a co-worker who is 2 years younger than me. I had heard she had a very close relationship with my predecessor (who was fired) who was about 10 years younger but was needy. I am realizing that I think that current co-worker is the one who is needy. We found out we live in the same neighborhood and she makes comments about seeing things going on at my house-whether my car is there in the morning when she leaves for work, or projects going on in our front yard. She brings me snacks and games for my dgs. I have asked her to stop it really makes me uncomfortable. She laughs it off. Now what do I do? I am not sure it is an HR issue, so going to our boss might not be appropriate.
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Post by myshelly on Jun 6, 2016 2:43:39 GMT
Why does it make you uncomfortable?
From what you wrote it sounds like she's just trying to be friendly and I'm not really seeing an issue.
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Post by mom on Jun 6, 2016 2:45:35 GMT
From what you've posted, I don't see the 'needy'. Is there a specific example that you can think of that shows her neediness?
From what you've posted, I would think she is just wanting to be your friend and/or have something to talk about.
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Post by smokeynspike on Jun 6, 2016 2:45:56 GMT
Yeah, that doesn't seem like something I would go to HR about. I think all you will do is create a tension filled work environment. I would just not engage with her. Keep things short and professional and strictly about work related topics of conversation.
I agree that I don't see her as being "needy" either, but more an attempt on her part to make a new work friend. But if it bothers you, I would just go with keeping things professional and not blur the lines.
Melissa |
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Post by jumperhop on Jun 6, 2016 2:47:51 GMT
It really does sound like she is being friendly.
Jen
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Post by katlady on Jun 6, 2016 2:48:43 GMT
How long has this been going on? She could just be trying to be friends. You don't say how long you have worked there. If you are uncomfortable, is it possible to just ignore her and hope she gets the hint? As for going to the boss, that is who I would talk to (not HR) if it got to the point where she was stepping over the boundaries. The fact that she checks up on your house would make me feel uncomfortable. Does her route take her by your house or does she have to drive out of her way? Tough situation! Good luck!
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Post by 950nancy on Jun 6, 2016 2:55:27 GMT
I think she misses her friend and is hoping that you will fill those shoes. Perhaps after a few more months, she will settle down.
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Post by femalebusiness on Jun 6, 2016 2:55:42 GMT
That would creep me out, I like my privacy. I really hate when people don't or won't back off and don't get the hint. Eventually you will probably have to get nasty to get someone that clueless to back off as it sounds like subtle won't work.
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Post by femalebusiness on Jun 6, 2016 2:57:58 GMT
Why does it make you uncomfortable? I don't think it matters why, it does. |
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Post by its me mg on Jun 6, 2016 3:00:49 GMT
Why does it make you uncomfortable? I don't think it matters why, it does. It does .... most people who have responded can't relate, but if the OP wants to tell us why she feels that way, maybe we can see her POV? Offhand, it doesn't sound creepy, but I can see how it can be a bit overwhelming since you barely know her. |
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Post by myshelly on Jun 6, 2016 3:01:38 GMT
Why does it make you uncomfortable? I don't think it matters why, it does. If a reasonable person wouldn't be bothered by it, then the coworker isn't doing anything wrong. OP shouldn't create an issue where there isn't one. |
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Post by annabella on Jun 6, 2016 3:05:04 GMT
I would crack a joke and say "what are you stalking me? lol...kind of creepy you notice all these things about my house....don't make me serve you with a restraining order...and won't be giving my dog your treats, don't want her familiar with your scent with you break into our house."
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Post by femalebusiness on Jun 6, 2016 3:09:03 GMT
Leeny has asked her to stop and she laughs it off and continues. That to me is a big issue.
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Post by lisacharlotte on Jun 6, 2016 3:18:19 GMT
I get her being uncomfortable. I probably would feel the same. I compartmentalize work and home and would feel as though my privacy is being invaded by a coworker bringing up stuff at home. Add in the dog treats and it sounds like crossing my boundaries without permission.
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Country Ham
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,314
Jun 25, 2014 19:32:08 GMT
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Post by Country Ham on Jun 6, 2016 3:23:05 GMT
Leeny has asked her to stop and she laughs it off and continues. That to me is a big issue. I have an elderly neighbor who is always bringing a plate of homemade cookies over. She's not intrusive. Just asks how we are, comments on how big the kids are getting. I do thank her and I do say that she doesn't have to do this but she always kind of poo poo's me too. I think a lot of society kind of pushes people away who do nice things for us, and a pretty typical response from the person doing the kind deed to kind of brush it off and say "Oh no worries" or "I love doing it". |
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christinec68
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,388 
Location: New York, NY
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Post by christinec68 on Jun 6, 2016 3:25:34 GMT
I would not like that at all either. She needs to learn about boundaries. I would try talking to her again and hope she gets the message that you really do not want her infringing on your personal life uninvited and that you're not joking. If she wants to be friends, she should invite you to lunch, not spy on your home projects.
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Post by femalebusiness on Jun 6, 2016 3:30:52 GMT
Leeny has asked her to stop and she laughs it off and continues. That to me is a big issue. I have an elderly neighbor who is always bringing a plate of homemade cookies over. She's not intrusive. Just asks how we are, comments on how big the kids are getting. I do thank her and I do say that she doesn't have to do this but she always kind of poo poo's me too. I think a lot of society kind of pushes people away who do nice things for us, and a pretty typical response from the person doing the kind deed to kind of brush it off and say "Oh no worries" or "I love doing it". So if someone smiles while they push themselves on you, you (general) just have to put up with it because they are nice? No wonder so many people have problems setting boundaries with overbearing people. |
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Post by Eddie-n-Harley on Jun 6, 2016 3:38:53 GMT
I can't help but wonder how different this thread would be if it were a male co-worker who wouldn't back off instead of a female co-worker.
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Post by femalebusiness on Jun 6, 2016 3:40:57 GMT
I can't help but wonder how different this thread would be if it were a male co-worker who wouldn't back off instead of a female co-worker. I was going to say that but don't have the energy tonight to deal with the flack that I was sure would follow. No means no.....period. |
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 7, 2024 21:22:59 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 6, 2016 3:46:07 GMT
I recently retired from a 25 year career in government and took a position at a non-profit because I really do enjoy working, just wanted less stress. At the new job, I have a co-worker who is 2 years younger than me. I had heard she had a very close relationship with my predecessor (who was fired) who was about 10 years younger but was needy. I am realizing that I think that current co-worker is the one who is needy. We found out we live in the same neighborhood and she makes comments about seeing things going on at my house-whether my car is there in the morning when she leaves for work, or projects going on in our front yard. She brings me snacks and games for my dgs. I have asked her to stop it really makes me uncomfortable. She laughs it off. Now what do I do? I am not sure it is an HR issue, so going to our boss might not be appropriate. Because she is making the comments about your yard work, seeing your car, treats for your dog, AT work it becomes a work place issue. As a work place issue it IS appropriate to involve your supervisor now that you have told her it makes you uncomfortable. If she is bringing the gifts for the dogs to your house I'd stop accepting them. But, I am more than willing to be a b*itch if people won't respect my boundaries. If I don't want a friendship and someone pushed the boundaries I will cause a scene if that is what it takes. But I also make sure the rest of my work day/relationships are totally professional. eta: last night I read dgs as dogs. My apologies. I was wondering a tiny bit what kind of games dogs played. Obviously I should have looked into that a bit deeper. |
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 7, 2024 21:22:59 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 6, 2016 3:48:26 GMT
Leeny has asked her to stop and she laughs it off and continues. That to me is a big issue. I have an elderly neighbor who is always bringing a plate of homemade cookies over. She's not intrusive. Just asks how we are, comments on how big the kids are getting. I do thank her and I do say that she doesn't have to do this but she always kind of poo poo's me too. I think a lot of society kind of pushes people away who do nice things for us, and a pretty typical response from the person doing the kind deed to kind of brush it off and say "Oh no worries" or "I love doing it". Relationships with an elderly neighbor and work place relationships are two totally different things. |
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Post by anonrefugee on Jun 6, 2016 3:55:38 GMT
I've worked with some competitive people in the past. Their commenting about my car at home, while they were on way to work, would have been a snide comment about them getting to office earlier.
This one could be looking for a friend, or be trouble. I certainly wouldn't report it to anyone. And I would be polite, while enforcing all boundaries.
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Post by Hayjaker on Jun 6, 2016 4:06:24 GMT
Leeny has asked her to stop and she laughs it off and continues. That to me is a big issue. I think it's time to go to your supervisor. Shes not respecting your boundaries, you asked her to stop. You are uncomfortable. |
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smginaz Suzy
Pearl Clutcher
Je suis desole.
Posts: 2,606
Jun 26, 2014 17:27:30 GMT
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Post by smginaz Suzy on Jun 6, 2016 4:20:26 GMT
Her: I drove by your house and saw...
You: that's nice. do you have that report ready now?
Her: Here are some dog treats!
You: Oh, that does not work for me. (Return them. If she laughs and doesn't take them, simply leave them on her desk later. If they show back up on your desk, throw them away. Don't comment or do it with any sweeping gestures, simply dispose of them.)
Her: Look, I brought you some yummies I made!
You: That was very kind of you. I will be taking a donation to (the firehouse, the food bank) and I will drop this off with my food.
Her: What is up with the construction in your front yard?
You: Oh, long boring story. Excuse me, I have a phone call to make right now. Bye!
You just want to start by cutting her off at the pass. You don't have to engage with what some perceive as friendliness and kindness but what to you is irritating and excessively nosy. Change the subject, refuse/dispose/reallocate gifts, and move forward with business issues.
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paget
Drama Llama
Posts: 7,039
Jun 25, 2014 21:16:39 GMT
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Post by paget on Jun 6, 2016 4:22:12 GMT
I would be bothered by a coworker commenting on my house as well and stopping by. Oh hell no. I'm friendly to coworkers at WORK. Sometimes with certain coworkers it goes beyond that but that is rare - like my bff of 25 years who was first my coworker.  |
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Post by 950nancy on Jun 6, 2016 4:27:11 GMT
I would be bothered by a coworker commenting on my house as well and stopping by. Oh hell no. I'm friendly to coworkers at WORK. Sometimes with certain coworkers it goes beyond that but that is rare - like my bff of 25 years who was first my coworker. I had a situation like this, so I think I am a little more forgiving or relaxed about the situation. A man doing it would make me much more uncomfortable. |
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Post by AussieMeg on Jun 6, 2016 5:51:33 GMT
Aren't the treats and games for the grandson, not the dogs?
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smginaz Suzy
Pearl Clutcher
Je suis desole.
Posts: 2,606
Jun 26, 2014 17:27:30 GMT
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Post by smginaz Suzy on Jun 6, 2016 6:43:39 GMT
Oh, dear, yes I read that one too quickly and my eyes saw dgs as dogs! Sorry about that, please adjust my responses as needed. DOH.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 7, 2024 21:22:59 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 6, 2016 10:47:06 GMT
We found out we live in the same neighborhood and she makes comments about seeing things going on at my house-whether my car is there in the morning when she leaves for work, or projects going on in our front yard. This alone would make me uncomfortable. It's stalking. Or at least stalking-like. My mom would do this. She drove by my ex's house for no reason (as in it's not on her way to any where nor did she have a friend in the area) and then report to me what she saw. I told her to knock it off. She still tries to gleam info from people who know him or his sisters. I keep telling her I don't need any info on him. And she wonders why he's so short with her when she does see him. It's creepy! ETA - not sure if it's HR worthy but I'd definitely be doing my best to cut things short. Don't discuss anything she says about what she sees. If she brings treats or games, say thank you but no thank you. Maybe even say something about how he already has that toy, maybe it'd be better if she donated it. Food treats? Simply say no thank you and hand it back. |
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Jun 6, 2016 10:51:47 GMT
She sounds more overly-friendly than needy, but if you don't welcome it, then that's a problem. If she had that type of relationship with the previous co-worker, it may not occur to her that she won't have it with you. Therefore, it's up to YOU to set the tone. Those who have suggested that you cut her off politely when she starts on personal topics and turn down her gifts of food & games are correct. You will have to be persistent because I bet she will! Don't confuse her by rebuffing her sometimes and allowing it at others. You will have to be very consistent to change her patterns.
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