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Post by Deleted on Aug 4, 2014 3:48:19 GMT
My BFF has an 18yr old son who's EX-GF just had a baby a few weeks ago. A little history: Ex-gf is 19, they had dated for about 2 years. They had been broken up since October of last year (she cheated on him) and she didn't tell him she was pregnant until 8 weeks or so before she had it. (Received no prenatal care during that entire time either, a real piece of work...) Almost the entire time they were dating my BFF was concerned about this girl as my friend had found letters where she was begging for a baby. The girl had gone so far as to pick out names for them all (4), putting HiS last name as her own, drawing little baby foot prints, and acting out these ridiculous little "playing house" scenarios-really bizarre behavior for a teenager. Several of her letters said she'd "do anything to get pregnant" so she could get out of her mothers house. How she planned to do that with a bf still in high school and a new baby with only a minimum wage job is beyond me. Apparently she's pretty stupid too.  Her DH was unwilling to break them up even after reading these letters (wanted to be a friend instead of a parent) and so here they are. BFF and her DH did confront the couple at one point and counseled them on the merits of getting an education and bettering yourself through that avenue instead of ruining your life so young and any real chance of having the "dream life" she wanted which would have been harder with a baby and crappy jobs etc..... It fell on deaf ears. If it matters to the story the girls mother has 4 children to 4 different (non-involved or in jail) men and the girls older sister (24?) had 3 kids under 5 to 3 different men. . All on welfare/HUD/Food stamps as career moochers-not ppl who genuinely need help during a tough situation. They created their own situations and are taking advantage, IMO. The "kids" which they realistically are, have a child support hearing coming up soon and a paternity test to follow since he's contesting paternity. IF/WHEN his paternity is confirmed......he will pay his support as ordered but so far doesn't want anything to do with the baby. SHE wanted it and when he asked if she poked holes in the condom (he wore one each time around the time it would have been conceived) she smirked and said "I told you did do anything to have a baby..." So the safe assumption is she sabotaged the condoms. They were at her house. Stupid-yes. My question is this? Is there still an old-fashioned sense of the guy "doing the right thing" when a girl intentionally gets pregnant? Who holds the girls/women accountable for their actions? As moms of teenage boys, what else can we encourage them to do if they are using protection, and the girl won't go on any other method of BC? (Other than abstinence, which we know won't happen..) How fair is it to the young men who just want to go to college or get jobs to be burdened with child support and such? This seems like a double standard to me. The boy in no way shape or form plans on marrying this girl, never said he would, that was her fantasy world. Just curious on your thoughts.... Their family has decided to support THEIR child in his decisions regarding the child, and if he chooses to not have contact with it they won't either. |
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Post by freecharlie on Aug 4, 2014 3:55:49 GMT
If it turns out that the child is his, then the minimum he can do is pay child support. If it was my child, I would encourage him to at least spend a little time with the baby.
And yea, he has some blame here. If he knew she wanted to get pregnant that badly, then he needed to either not have sex with her or take complete control of the birth control.
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trollie
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by trollie on Aug 4, 2014 4:01:49 GMT
Well, the only 100% guaranteed way to not impregnate someone is to not have sex. He CHOSE to have sex with a woman who made it very, very clear that she wanted a child and would do anything to make that happen. Condoms are not 100% even if used properly. This fellow made a mistake and may very well pay for it for the rest of his life. He absolutely bears responsibility in this situation if he is proven to be the parent.
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Post by elaine on Aug 4, 2014 4:04:25 GMT
If he knew that "she would do anything to get pregnant" and still had sex with her, then it is partially his responsibility. When people tell you who they are, believe them, especially if it is something you don't want to hear or don't want to be true.
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Deleted
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Oct 7, 2024 16:23:36 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 4, 2014 4:04:31 GMT
I don't think it's old-fashioned. A girl doesn't "intentionally get pregnant" by herself unless she pokes holes in a condom or something like that.
If you are a guy and you aren't in a committed relationship with someone you trust or don't want to be a father, then you had better be taking care of your own side of birth control.
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Post by chaosisapony on Aug 4, 2014 4:05:31 GMT
What Trollie said. He chose to have sex. Sex makes babies. All birth control can fail, if you don't want a baby just don't have sex. Simple really.
I hope if he is the father he is able to put the bad blood aside with the mother and be involved in his child's life. It will make a huge difference to that kid having a stable father if the mother's family is as bad as they sound.
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Post by *KatyCupcake* on Aug 4, 2014 4:07:23 GMT
I'm old school in my beliefs that sex is more than just for a good time. It has the potential to bind two people together more than just physically. It can create a life and if you're not interested in creating that life with someone, you shouldn't be having sex with them. This young man chose to be sexually active with the girl knowing she wasn't entirely trustworthy. Even if he had taken precautions available to him, condoms aren't 100% reliable. So yeah, I still think that "old fashioned" sense of duty should still be there. He participated willingly in the act that made that child. The child deserves a father who is more than a name on a child support check. My heart hurts for that baby.  |
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mountaingirl
Junior Member
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Post by mountaingirl on Aug 4, 2014 4:09:24 GMT
Yep, he chose to continue to sleep with the crazy. Adult choices, adult responsibilities. My own teen was so, so close to this exact situation. But I did break it up and amazingly it worked and he wizened up. So far.
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SabrinaP
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Busy Teacher Pea
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Post by SabrinaP on Aug 4, 2014 4:14:06 GMT
Well, the only 100% guaranteed way to not impregnate someone is to not have sex. He CHOSE to have sex with a woman who made it very, very clear that she wanted a child and would do anything to make that happen. Condoms are not 100% even if used properly. This fellow made a mistake and may very well pay for it for the rest of his life. He absolutely bears responsibility in this situation if he is proven to be the parent.  I don't see it as a double standard. You take the risk of getting someone pregnant when you have sex. Bottom line, the baby is an innocent party. He/she deserves to be taken care of and have a relationship with his/her father. |
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Post by traceys on Aug 4, 2014 4:14:13 GMT
My personal opinion is that I have no respect for any man who turns his back on his child. The young man in question is an adult and it is his decision, but I would not stand by silently while my son made such a decision. Nor would I consider him "boyfriend" material for my daughter.
He knew what the possibilities were every time he laid down with her. If she is as bad as they portray her to be, don't they want better for their child/grandchild?
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ReneeH20
Full Member
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Jun 28, 2014 16:00:48 GMT
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Post by ReneeH20 on Aug 4, 2014 4:15:05 GMT
What if she wasn't trying to get pregnant and it happened anyway (birth control is not 100% effective)? Is he responsible then? Seems too convenient to me to say he isn't responsible, because the girl was trying to get pregnant. She told him and he chose to be with her.
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Post by AussieMeg on Aug 4, 2014 4:23:18 GMT
How she planned to do that with a bf still in high school and a new baby with only a minimum wage job is beyond me. Apparently she's pretty stupid too. The boy doesn't sound too bright either just quietly! The girl had repeatedly stated that she would do anything to have a baby. Yet he continued to have sex with her. And I would love to know, if it's true, how the hell she managed to put a hole in the condom. Did he not take responsibility for his own condoms? It's not like the girl could say "Oh hang on a sec, hand over that condom before you put it on, I just want to.... er... um.... make sure it's ok." <Grabs a pin and pokes a hole in it.> |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 4, 2014 4:26:01 GMT
Knowing the family well (very small town) they are indeed 7 ways to crazy and as bad as I said. The boy did indeed screw up big time by not listening to his parents when they warned him about the girl and her intentions....and he'll definitely pay for it for the next 18 years if it's his. Of course everyone's hoping it's not his, the story is she went to the latest BF (the one she cheated on my bff's son with) when she found out she was pregnant and told him it could be his and he told her to pound sand. THEN she came to my friends son because under it all he is a decent young man who I think was swept up in the relationship (first real GF and first sexual partner) and he's kind of naive. And I agree very stupid not to have possession of the condoms at all times.
He may change his mind about how much contact he wants and frankly that depends on what time he gets from either her or the court system. In our area, even men who pay their CS and are involved in their kids lives get very little. I know personally a couple who fought for 9 years to get even 50/50 of his kids. I think the boy may be afraid of fighting that battle. It's a sad case all around for sure.
I also have been using their situation to talk to my older kids about responsibility and respect and to my dd about not trapping a boy that way either, hoping he'll stick around. And showing respect for herself. I know it's not just teenagers who trick a partner into a kid they didn't want.
And secretly I'm thankful it isn't my kids.....but for the grace of God.....
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 4, 2014 4:27:51 GMT
What if she wasn't trying to get pregnant and it happened anyway (birth control is not 100% effective)? Is he responsible then? Seems too convenient to me to say he isn't responsible, because the girl was trying to get pregnant. She told him and he chose to be with her. That's true as well. And he knows if it's his he'll be responsible. That's he's a grown up and he'll pay grown up money and all that... I do think he had his share of warnings/red flags and didn't heed them. |
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Deleted
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Oct 7, 2024 16:23:37 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 4, 2014 4:29:44 GMT
Honestly my heart aches a bit for not only this unborn baby but also his or her mother. Yes she made a choice but what was modeled for her doesn't sound like it was the best. I am not saying she is a saint by any means but he knew who she was when he dated her. I feel awful for the baby. He or she deserves to be wanted by both parents.
Years ago when I was doing research I ran across a random court case. This actually involved a guy who had oral sex with a girl. Somehow she used a turkey baster to impregnate herself. (What the crap!?!) I remember the question was whether or not he should be held responsible for child support. I wish I could remember how that ended. I think he was legally responsible because he made that choice but that one wasn't so cut and dry. To me this one is.
Condoms aren't 100% effective. The only thing that I know that is fully 100% effective is abstinence. But again my heart aches for this baby being born through no fault of his or her own. I hope he mans up. This child will likely need a good role model and to be honest he doesn't sound like one at all. I hope the mother breaks the cycle of poverty in her family. When that is your "norm" it has to be pretty hard to see past the day.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 4, 2014 4:30:22 GMT
How she planned to do that with a bf still in high school and a new baby with only a minimum wage job is beyond me. Apparently she's pretty stupid too. The boy doesn't sound too bright either just quietly! The girl had repeatedly stated that she would do anything to have a baby. Yet he continued to have sex with her. And I would love to know, if it's true, how the hell she managed to put a hole in the condom. Did he not take responsibility for his own condoms? It's not like the girl could say "Oh hang on a sec, hand over that condom before you put it on, I just want to.... er... um.... make sure it's ok." <Grabs a pin and pokes a hole in it.> Nope, not too bright either! And she had the condoms at her house, he was afraid his parents would find them. So she had ample time to "poke" them before he grabbed one. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 4, 2014 4:34:07 GMT
Honestly my heart aches a bit for not only this unborn baby but also his or her mother. Yes she made a choice but what was modeled for her doesn't sound like it was the best. I am not saying she is a saint by any means but he knew who she was when he dated her. I feel awful for the baby. He or she deserves to be wanted by both parents. Years ago when I was doing research I ran across a random court case. This actually involved a guy who had oral sex with a girl. Somehow she used a turkey baster to impregnate herself. (What the crap!?!) I remember the question was whether or not he should be held responsible for child support. I wish I could remember how that ended. I think he was legally responsible because he made that choice but that one wasn't so cut and dry. To me this one is. Condoms aren't 100% effective. The only thing that I know that is fully 100% effective is abstinence. But again my heart aches for this baby being born through no fault of his or her own. I hope he mans up. This child will likely need a good role model and to be honest he doesn't sound like one at all. I hope the mother breaks the cycle of poverty in her family. When that is your "norm" it has to be pretty hard to see past the day. Wow that is an insane story! I feel bad for the "donor" on that one! I think in her situation the baby would've had a better life if she had put it up for adoption to a well qualified and loving family. I think they tried to convince her to do that but she wouldn't. And you're right it's probably hard to break that cycle, and her role models were/are awful. I honestly don't think either of them are fit to be parents. And I love the boy like a nephew, known him since he was little. |
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Deleted
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Oct 7, 2024 16:23:37 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 4, 2014 4:35:19 GMT
I agree that adoption is beautiful. It doesn't sounds like the girl will agree. I had to look up the story I quoted before and he indeed, had to pay child support. The sperm was deemed a gift. How crazy is that!?!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 4, 2014 4:45:37 GMT
I agree that adoption is beautiful. It doesn't sounds like the girl will agree. I had to look up the story I quoted before and he indeed, had to pay child support. The sperm was deemed a gift. How crazy is that!?! No she won't think of adoption. It a closed topic in her mind. A gift huh? Hmmm, that's probably the nicest thing anyone's ever called that.....lol. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 4, 2014 5:17:39 GMT
He was an idiot to continue to have sex with her when she said things like that. He's just as responsible as her.
And frankly, I think he's a jerk if he walks away from the child that *he* is equally responsible for. Yeah, child support is all well and good, but it's not enough. He knew the risks of having sex with this woman and he decided to go ahead with it. He also knew that she wanted a baby - not adoption or an abortion - and he STILL went ahead with sex.
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Post by anniefb on Aug 4, 2014 5:20:18 GMT
I agree it sounds like just as much his responsibility as the girl's. I think the least he can do is pay child support if the baby is his and I'd hope he and his parents would be a part of the baby's life.
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inkedup
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Jun 26, 2014 5:00:26 GMT
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Post by inkedup on Aug 4, 2014 5:54:14 GMT
Wow. So much classism, judgment and sexism in one post. Where to start?
Your bff's son isn't the sharpest tool in the shed if he decided to continue to sleep with this girl after she made her wish for a baby clear. (And I think it was pretty clear if what you're saying is truthful.) It takes two people to make a baby - even if one of them is stupid and the other wants a baby at all costs.
It's strange that you paint this picture of the crazy little hussy from the wrong side of the tracks and the naive little boy who belongs to your bff. Your friend's son is not a child. He made the adult decision to have sex with this woman, knowing full well what she wanted, and now he wants nothing to do with "it." (Nice how you, and I presume your bff, can't even bring yourselves to give this baby a human pronoun. Instead of being a baby, a "he" or a "she," you resign this poor child instead to being an "it.") What a great life this poor baby is going to have. A mom who comes from a troubled family ("All on welfare/HUD/Food stamps as career moochers-not ppl who genuinely need help during a tough situation") and a dad who doesn't want "it."
All the hand wringing and crying over "the young men who just want to go to college or get jobs" [but who instead are] "burdened with child support and such" is hilarious. Poor boys, being forced to have sex with these low class hussies who just want to trap them!!
It's 2014. I think your attitudes toward sex, women and class could stand to leave the 50's, where you seem stuck, and join us in the present.
Frankly, you and your bff don't come off as much classier than the girl you've worked so hard to shame. Sure, you might live in a nicer neighborhood and hide your prejudices well, but you're trash, IMO. Both of you. For looking down on this girl, for excusing your "nephew's" abhorrent behavior and for calling this baby "it." I am really disgusted by your posts.
That poor baby.
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Post by lucyg on Aug 4, 2014 6:28:47 GMT
I think the important thing here is the baby, not the boy, not the girl, not the kids' parents. I can't believe the boy's parents are complicit in allowing him to walk away from this child ... his child, their grandchild ... no matter how trashy the mother may be. In fact, that's all the more reason to be involved in his or her life, right from the beginning, because the child may need extra attention and guidance from his father and paternal grandparents.
I do agree with you that it is sucky that boys really have no say in reproduction decisions. However, that's life and we all know it. His weapon is the ability to say no and not put himself in that position. Now it's too late for him to make that choice.
He needs to start putting that baby's needs first, not his own ... and his parents ought to be ashamed of themselves for not insisting that he does. If that means putting off college, so be it. And maybe he will think twice about where he puts his little friend next time.
And you may be thinking "there but for the grace of God ..." but don't get cocky about it. It's not too late for your kids to pull the same crap.
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Post by redayh on Aug 4, 2014 7:18:21 GMT
I feel so sorry for that baby. Especially if the entire family plans to ignore the baby if he boy decides to ignore it (if he turns out to be the father). That's dead wrong!
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Post by SweetiePie Pea on Aug 4, 2014 9:46:46 GMT
I haven't seen this mentioned by anyone saying the boy shouldn't have trusted the girl with the unused condoms.
Put holes in them??? How about all the used condoms that are containing the fluids. Remind your sons to properly dispose of those as well.
And I agree that the father of this baby needs to have a relationship with this child. A child should not be punished for their parents stupidity. (That goes for both of them really! and the full grown adults should be the voice of reason to their 18yo, not sounding like them)
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scrapaddie
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,090
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Post by scrapaddie on Aug 4, 2014 11:33:22 GMT
You also said that he use protection around the time she could have conceived. This implies to me that he was not religious about using protection every time. Kids have a very poor sense of when they can get pregnant. They think they know everything, but sometimes what they know is laughable.
And as everyone knows, condoms are not 100% reliable on their own. That means that if a couple engages in sex, they are risking the chance of having a child. And that means it is possible they will have to deal with the consequences.
So yes, minimally, he would be responsible for child support. But, in my opinion, he is a pretty worthless person if he is a father who has no contact with his child. I do not care what the family is like. The child is not responsible!
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scrapaddie
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,090
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Post by scrapaddie on Aug 4, 2014 11:35:51 GMT
I am not sure why you refer to this as a double standard. I guess that the double standard comes in and that the mother will have to go through this regardless where as a worthless father may try to weasel out of it
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scrapaddie
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,090
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Post by scrapaddie on Aug 4, 2014 11:37:44 GMT
One more thing, I think your BFF needs to have a talk with her son and try to instill better values in him. As you have described him, he sounds like a jerk
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akathy
What's For Dinner?
Still peaing from Podunk!
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Jun 25, 2014 22:56:55 GMT
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Post by akathy on Aug 4, 2014 11:46:09 GMT
Well, the only 100% guaranteed way to not impregnate someone is to not have sex. He CHOSE to have sex with a woman who made it very, very clear that she wanted a child and would do anything to make that happen. Condoms are not 100% even if used properly. This fellow made a mistake and may very well pay for it for the rest of his life. He absolutely bears responsibility in this situation if he is proven to be the parent. |
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Post by jeremysgirl on Aug 4, 2014 13:02:50 GMT
I feel very sorry for the child having these two as parents. Personally, I think if the girl was that bad the boy was stupid to sleep with her. He is just as much at fault and if the baby's his and he walks away from it, I would have no respect for him. That is such a craptastic thing to do to a kid.
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Her DH was unwilling to break them up even after reading these letters (wanted to be a friend instead of a parent) and so here they are. BFF and her DH did confront the couple at one point and counseled them on the merits of getting an education and bettering yourself through that avenue instead of ruining your life so young and any real chance of having the "dream life" she wanted which would have been harder with a baby and crappy jobs etc..... It fell on deaf ears. If it matters to the story the girls mother has 4 children to 4 different (non-involved or in jail) men and the girls older sister (24?) had 3 kids under 5 to 3 different men. 
