Peamac
Pearl Clutcher
Refupea # 418
Posts: 4,218
Jun 26, 2014 0:09:18 GMT
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Post by Peamac on Jul 24, 2016 13:14:06 GMT
My DH was a pastor for eleven years. He couldn't just up and go out of town suddenly. Of course a family funeral can be an exception, but it's not always as easy for a pastor to get away as it is for someone else with a regular job (who can often just tell or ask their boss for a bit of time off). Same with family weddings.
Christmas was never good for us when he was a pastor, either. We couldn't go out of town until after Christmas Eve and had to be back for the next Sunday, no matter how many or few days apart they were. With us living on the East Coast and DH's family living out west, we never got to see DH's family at Christmas. We often didn't get to see my family either. The stress and busyness of church activities at Christmastime was exhausting (but necessary) and while we enjoyed it for the most part, we were always tired by the time Christmas day rolled around. Travelling anywhere would have been too much, and we only had two kids (who were both great travellers)!
Honestly- if anyone asks where BIL is, I'd simply say, "he had commitments at his church in (whatever state he lives in)." Just leave it at that. People should be able to understand that not everyone can get off work for a funeral, especially one in another state. Yes, it stinks that he can't or won't be there for your in-laws, but that's between him and FIL/MIL. If FIL and MIL are hurt, that's a natural response to BIL's actions, but again- that's not your battle. Maybe it's what they need to experience so they can finally understand how you and DH feel, after the way you've been treated by BIL. They can finally see their son how others see him. That's difficult for any parent in this situation, and the funeral makes it even harder- but that's between them and their son. It's not your responsibility (or even possible for you) to control BIL's actions/other people's opinions of BIL's presence or absence/any hurt that FIL and MIL may feel as a result. You can be there for IL's to help deal with the loss and grief related to Uncle's death, but not with the BIL issues.
As far as your DH being closer to his brother and getting spiritual guidance, it may not be as good an idea as DH thinks. If BIL acts the way he does to people in the church who try to help his ministry, it sounds like he wouldn't treat DH very brotherly. It sounds like the distance is maybe a good thing for their "relationship". And if BIL gives advice that DH doesn't follow, it could strain the relationship further.
I don't think that being civil and courteous at a funeral or family function is being disingenuous or fake. We all have times where we have to be nice when we don't want to. And it doesn't always mean you're condoning the bad behaviour either. There are times to confront bad behaviour and times to choose to ignore it and rise above it for the sake of others.
(((Hugs))) and prayers for you all- hope DH is feeling better soon and the funeral isn't stressful!
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Post by pierkiss on Jul 24, 2016 14:05:53 GMT
I'm so confused. Are you upset that your brother in law isn't/didn't come to your uncle in laws funeral? If so I think that's a little sad. Not everyone can come to every family members wedding or funeral or other big life event. One of my very favorite aunts died in January. I was absolutely heart broken. I really wanted to go to the funeral. But she lived on the east cost and we are about 12 hours away. Getting last minute plane tickets was not something we could swing financially. So, I didn't get to go. It happens.
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M in Carolina
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,128
Jun 29, 2014 12:11:41 GMT
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Post by M in Carolina on Jul 24, 2016 14:40:57 GMT
My DH was a pastor for eleven years. He couldn't just up and go out of town suddenly. Of course a family funeral can be an exception, but it's not always as easy for a pastor to get away as it is for someone else with a regular job (who can often just tell or ask their boss for a bit of time off). Same with family weddings. Christmas was never good for us when he was a pastor, either. We couldn't go out of town until after Christmas Eve and had to be back for the next Sunday, no matter how many or few days apart they were. With us living on the East Coast and DH's family living out west, we never got to see DH's family at Christmas. We often didn't get to see my family either. The stress and busyness of church activities at Christmastime was exhausting (but necessary) and while we enjoyed it for the most part, we were always tired by the time Christmas day rolled around. Travelling anywhere would have been too much, and we only had two kids (who were both great travellers)! Honestly- if anyone asks where BIL is, I'd simply say, "he had commitments at his church in (whatever state he lives in)." Just leave it at that. People should be able to understand that not everyone can get off work for a funeral, especially one in another state. Yes, it stinks that he can't or won't be there for your in-laws, but that's between him and FIL/MIL. If FIL and MIL are hurt, that's a natural response to BIL's actions, but again- that's not your battle. Maybe it's what they need to experience so they can finally understand how you and DH feel, after the way you've been treated by BIL. They can finally see their son how others see him. That's difficult for any parent in this situation, and the funeral makes it even harder- but that's between them and their son. It's not your responsibility (or even possible for you) to control BIL's actions/other people's opinions of BIL's presence or absence/any hurt that FIL and MIL may feel as a result. You can be there for IL's to help deal with the loss and grief related to Uncle's death, but not with the BIL issues.As far as your DH being closer to his brother and getting spiritual guidance, it may not be as good an idea as DH thinks. If BIL acts the way he does to people in the church who try to help his ministry, it sounds like he wouldn't treat DH very brotherly. It sounds like the distance is maybe a good thing for their "relationship". And if BIL gives advice that DH doesn't follow, it could strain the relationship further. I don't think that being civil and courteous at a funeral or family function is being disingenuous or fake. We all have times where we have to be nice when we don't want to. And it doesn't always mean you're condoning the bad behaviour either. There are times to confront bad behaviour and times to choose to ignore it and rise above it for the sake of others. (((Hugs))) and prayers for you all- hope DH is feeling better soon and the funeral isn't stressful! Thank you for putting this much more clearly and eloquently than my stressed out, addled brain can this week. This is what breaks my hearts for my inlaws. Dh and I have known for years that how BIL/SIL act is a good indicator of the people they really are. We've come to accept it and try not to let it colour our relationship with their children, dh's parents and the rest of the family. Dh's parents are elderly and don't have many years left. I guess I was hoping that BIL would act respectful and loving enough towards his parents that there wouldn't be a huge drama for them to have to face. This is just a major shock. I know my in-laws never imagined that their son just wouldn't come. The family would bend over backwards to accommodate BIL's schedule conflict so he could do both. I think there's more to this story. Venting to the peas has helped me deal with all this so I can be as supportive as possible for my in-laws and dh. I know that people will suspect drama and ask me about it. I don't want to cause my in-laws even more pain by being involved in this drama. I know from experience that there will be gossip. I want to be able to do whatever I can to actively squash any gossiping. I needed some different perspectives so I wouldn't let past history and my emotions cause me to add to the drama. The advice and support I've gotten here will make it easier to deal with everything that's going on. Y'all have helped me better understand what it's like to be a member of a tiny church. So when people do act shocked ask me why BIL isn't there, I'll know how best to answer. As much as we'd wish they would, people are rarely satisfied with a vague non-answer especially if they smell drama. I know that refusing to give any other reason than "BIL had another funeral" will cause more drama. Because many people that know the family very well will be surprised. They'll know that the family would accommodate BIL's schedule. Now I have some great advice and suggestions on how to do everything I can to stop the gossip. When pressed for more detail, I'll be able to diffuse the gossip by pointing out that since BIL's church is so small, that there's no one else to support the family and his church during this difficult time. That he felt that he couldn't just leave the family and his church. Rearranging the schedule just didn't work out. (whether that is completely true or not isn't my concern--thanks for reminding me of this) I just want to be as supportive as I can and do everything possible to minimize the hurt for my FIL. If/when my cousins tell me that BIL not being there is very hurtful to them, I can encourage them to not discuss it with people outside the family. Since I've worked through my own emotions, I won't be tempted to fuel the drama with my own issues with BIL/SIL. I can share the advice I've gotten here about not expecting people to act the way we want them to act. I can empathise with them, but also point out that any drama will just be more pain for FIL/MIL and their mother to deal with right now. Uncle and FIL have volunteered with many churches, and there's so many people coming to the funeral the venue had to change to accommodate them all. Gossip would spread to multiple churches and be a huge source of pain for the family. (the sheer size that this drama could blow up into is part of what makes me so angry. BIL knows that his absence will be noticed by hundreds of people and will be very difficult to explain)
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Post by christine58 on Jul 24, 2016 14:59:03 GMT
This thing with BIL this week isn't about me. It's about my FIL. I hate that on top of losing his brother that my FIL is hurt by his son's behaviour and has to deal with that, too. You are not going to fix this at all. Your FIL/MIL have allowed this son to treat them poorly etc. Stop judging your BIL and move on. Go be with family and honor your DH's Uncle instead of being so judgemental about the BIL. It's ok to vent but you went overboard.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 2, 2024 4:41:42 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 24, 2016 15:00:04 GMT
you really don't need to answer questions or make excuses. It's NOT your place! Have a standard answer and then change the subject if asked. Stop discussing it with anyone including cousins. Don't empathize, don't share advice, give your perspective, etc. That will only fuel the fire. The fact is BIL couldn't be there due to other commitments. PERIOD. Doesn't matter what you think.
You are taking on FIL/MIL's hurt that may or may not be real, but isn't yours to heal. They might be understanding on why he can't be there. You are looking 100% at this from your perspective. You have no idea at this point what discussions your BIL has had with FIL/MIL sounds like. You are making a lot of assumptions and putting yourself directly in the middle of this. Stay out and you will have less drama and be better off! Let BIL/SIL deal with the consequences of their choice!
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M in Carolina
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,128
Jun 29, 2014 12:11:41 GMT
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Post by M in Carolina on Jul 24, 2016 15:00:13 GMT
I'm so confused. Are you upset that your brother in law isn't/didn't come to your uncle in laws funeral? If so I think that's a little sad. Not everyone can come to every family members wedding or funeral or other big life event. One of my very favorite aunts died in January. I was absolutely heart broken. I really wanted to go to the funeral. But she lived on the east cost and we are about 12 hours away. Getting last minute plane tickets was not something we could swing financially. So, I didn't get to go. It happens. Getting a ticket wouldn't be a problem. The family would have worked around the schedule conflict. I know it isn't possible to go to everyone's funerals, but dh's family has always been close. Funerals are also family reunions. Family members make every conceivable effort to attend because it is difficult for everyone to get together during the holidays. My BIL has been one of the officiating pastors at all family funerals for over the past 20 years. It's not just him not being there. The reason this is upsetting is that there's going to literally hundreds of people who will be wondering why BIL didn't come. The fact that the family arranged to have the funeral at a time that conflicted with BIL will be a huge flashing red sign "DRAMA". So it's going to be very hard to explain this away. My FIL and MIL don't deserve this extra hurt. Uncle was beloved by all, and he and FIL have been very involved in multiple ministries and churches. I'm not exaggerating with how many people will know what's going on. The service had to be moved because uncle and aunt's church didn't have a large enough auditorium. The service has been moved to an auditorium that seats 1,500 people.
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Post by elaine on Jul 24, 2016 15:01:47 GMT
I don't think that being civil and courteous at a funeral or family function is being disingenuous or fake. We all have times where we have to be nice when we don't want to. And it doesn't always mean you're condoning the bad behaviour either. There are times to confront bad behaviour and times to choose to ignore it and rise above it for the sake of others. (((Hugs))) and prayers for you all- hope DH is feeling better soon and the funeral isn't stressful! Thank you for putting this much more clearly and eloquently than my stressed out, addled brain can this week. This is what breaks my hearts for my inlaws. Dh and I have known for years that how BIL/SIL act is a good indicator of the people they really are. We've come to accept it and try not to let it colour our relationship with their children, dh's parents and the rest of the family. Dh's parents are elderly and don't have many years left. I guess I was hoping that BIL would act respectful and loving enough towards his parents that there wouldn't be a huge drama for them to have to face. This is just a major shock. I know my in-laws never imagined that their son just wouldn't come. The family would bend over backwards to accommodate BIL's schedule conflict so he could do both. I think there's more to this story. Venting to the peas has helped me deal with all this so I can be as supportive as possible for my in-laws and dh. I know that people will suspect drama and ask me about it. I don't want to cause my in-laws even more pain by being involved in this drama. I know from experience that there will be gossip. I want to be able to do whatever I can to actively squash any gossiping. I needed some different perspectives so I wouldn't let past history and my emotions cause me to add to the drama. The advice and support I've gotten here will make it easier to deal with everything that's going on. Y'all have helped me better understand what it's like to be a member of a tiny church. So when people do act shocked ask me why BIL isn't there, I'll know how best to answer. As much as we'd wish they would, people are rarely satisfied with a vague non-answer especially if they smell drama. I know that refusing to give any other reason than "BIL had another funeral" will cause more drama. Because many people that know the family very well will be surprised. They'll know that the family would accommodate BIL's schedule. Now I have some great advice and suggestions on how to do everything I can to stop the gossip. When pressed for more detail, I'll be able to diffuse the gossip by pointing out that since BIL's church is so small, that there's no one else to support the family and his church during this difficult time. That he felt that he couldn't just leave the family and his church. Rearranging the schedule just didn't work out. (whether that is completely true or not isn't my concern--thanks for reminding me of this)
I just want to be as supportive as I can and do everything possible to minimize the hurt for my FIL. If/when my cousins tell me that BIL not being there is very hurtful to them, I can encourage them to not discuss it with people outside the family. Since I've worked through my own emotions, I won't be tempted to fuel the drama with my own issues with BIL/SIL. I can share the advice I've gotten here about not expecting people to act the way we want them to act. I can empathise with them, but also point out that any drama will just be more pain for FIL/MIL and their mother to deal with right now. Uncle and FIL have volunteered with many churches, and there's so many people coming to the funeral the venue had to change to accommodate them all. Gossip would spread to multiple churches and be a huge source of pain for the family. (the sheer size that this drama could blow up into is part of what makes me so angry. BIL knows that his absence will be noticed by hundreds of people and will be very difficult to explain) You are still taking on way too much. A good motto to help me limit what I feel responsible for is "Not my circus, not my monkeys." You cannot control other people's gossip - please stop worrying about it. People will gossip about something, no matter what you do. People just gossip. Period. So it is pointless to worry and try to control things, because they will find SOMETHING to gossip about. Worrying about it is as useful as worrying if the sun will rise in the morning. Your worrying and mechanations will have no impact on neither the sun nor the gossip. Not your circus, not your monkeys. Just worry about yourself, your actions, and be a support to your parents-in-law. Don't worry about sharing advice unless asked for it. Don't worry about anyone else's actions except your own - you and your actions ARE your circus to be the ringmaster of - the rest isn't yours and you will feel much better if you let it all go.
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Post by christine58 on Jul 24, 2016 15:03:05 GMT
People will be very shocked that BIL didn't come. People will talk. If I didn't talk to somebody about this, I wouldn't be able to do everything I can to not make this a huge gossipy drama. Because that's not going to help my FIL. It would hurt his ministry. And how pray tell are you going to not make this a "huge gossipy" event?? When my aunt and uncle died within 6 months of each other, there were many nieces and nephews (and a couple grand kids) who could not make the funeral. Guess what?? No gossiping went one. Everyone there knew that some were out of state, one in the Army, etc. And if your Uncle in law's kids are upset that he is not there---not your issue. They can talk to him themselves.
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Post by epeanymous on Jul 24, 2016 15:08:48 GMT
I think you are doing exactly the right thing, which is to vent here, keep out of it IRL, and allow your BIL as little access to your life and ability to hurt you as possible.
On top of everything else, funerals and death often bring out the worst in people and highlight tense family relationships. I am sorry for what you are experiencing.
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wellway
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,760
Jun 25, 2014 20:50:09 GMT
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Post by wellway on Jul 24, 2016 15:08:52 GMT
You need to expend your energy on yourself and your DH. Ignore what others want to gossip about, that's on them.
Honestly, have someone ask BIL to provide the pastor conducting the ceremony with something to read out from the altar like. Pastor BIL regrets he can't attend due to ..... and sends his heartfelt sympathies. He remembers Uncle with great affection and recalls this story.......
Give the explanation before it is needed.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 2, 2024 4:41:42 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 24, 2016 15:19:58 GMT
wellway has a great idea! And honestly, there is a reason that BIL is not coming. And you may not be privy to that reason. And even if you are, maybe you don't agree with it. But you don't have to...not your circus! You say "Family members make every conceivable effort to attend because it is difficult for everyone to get together during the holidays. " Well for some reason your BIL isn't or maybe he is and you just don't know it. Maybe Uncle's family isn't allowing him to set the schedule, etc. Maybe he is getting huge pressure from his church, etc. You never know all the details. So stop making assumptions. And control what you can -- your thoughts, your words and your behavior.
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Post by gar on Jul 24, 2016 15:28:17 GMT
I'm exhausted just reading about it all!!
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Post by Drew on Jul 24, 2016 15:39:42 GMT
You write so fondly of your FIL and your desire that everyone be sensitive, kind, and accommodating to this loving, heart broken man during this time. However, this is the FIL that you've mentioned doesn't take his eyes off your large breasts, watches you sleep, and says or does inappropriate things to you on a regular basis - to the point that you won't be alone in a room with him.
I'm so confused and frankly I don't know what to believe.
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Post by christine58 on Jul 24, 2016 15:59:18 GMT
You write so fondly of your FIL and your desire that everyone be sensitive, kind, and accommodating to this loving, heart broken man during this time. However, this is the FIL that you've mentioned doesn't take his eyes off your large breasts, watches you sleep, and says or does inappropriate things to you on a regular basis - to the point that you won't be alone in a room with him. I'm so confused and frankly I don't know what to believe. And she calls him a racist. That's not someone I would think highly of...FIL or Not.
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Post by myboysnme on Jul 24, 2016 16:04:25 GMT
I quite honestly have no idea what you are asking or talking about and I read it several times.
The only thing I get from it is BIL wants people do to what he wants them to do but does not do what other people want him to do. If that's even half right I feel relieved.
Too much energy going into what other people do and don't do from all of you. That's all I got.
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Post by mlynn on Jul 24, 2016 16:24:26 GMT
Not every question asked has to be answered - at least not answered in the way the person seems to want. We are allowed to keep things to ourselves.
If someone asks where bil is, you can say:
Too many funerals in one day. He is so committed. Isn't it nice to see someone so dedicated in this day and age?
I am not sure.
Life is complicated.
He is a jerk.
Unfortunately, he was not able to make it.
Of course, there are many, many non-answers you could give. Just find something that feels right for you.
At this point, the only drama is in your thoughts. If drama does come up, you can choose not to participate/contribute to it. If a cousin says something about being disappointed, just give them a hug. You do not even have to say anything. That acknowledges their feelings without adding fuel to the fire and offers comfort.
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moodyblue
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,173
Location: Western Illinois
Site Supporter
Jun 26, 2014 21:07:23 GMT
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Post by moodyblue on Jul 24, 2016 16:38:32 GMT
I think you are a very kindhearted and caring person.
I also think you worry way too much about other peoples' relationships - which you cannot fix or control or make better. Nor can you be the universal peacekeeper for everyone. None of this is good for your health.
I think, and I say this because I have a tendency to do the same thing, that you spend too much time overthinking things and anticipating what might happen. Yeah, sometimes it can help you to be prepared for whatever comes (my mother justifies all the advance worry with this reasoning) but sometimes all it does is cause stress. There has to be a balance - be prepared, but don't worry too much about something that hasn't even happened. I've found that things are rarely as bad as I anticipate they might be, and I'm learning to let go of some of that stressing.
As far as some of the details and history? You present very mixed images of your in-laws, particularly your father-in-law. That makes it hard to understand so much concern for him and his feelings. Your husband wanting a closer relationship and spiritual counseling from his brother? I totally do NOT get why that would be desirable, specially when you say he's driven people from his church and in light of how he's treated you and your husband. Way past time to let go of the idea that he's anyone you'd want to be closer to at all, much less accept any counseling or advice from!
Regarding what you anticipate to be a huge amount of gossip? As others have said, you can't control that. I honestly think a simple, one sentence answer is best should anyone ask about your brother-in-law. The more information or explanation you give, the more people will question. State the simple reason and move on.
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Post by refugeepea on Jul 24, 2016 16:41:47 GMT
Uncle and FIL have volunteered with many churches, and there's so many people coming to the funeral the venue had to change to accommodate them all. Gossip would spread to multiple churches and be a huge source of pain for the family. (the sheer size that this drama could blow up into is part of what makes me so angry. BIL knows that his absence will be noticed by hundreds of people and will be very difficult to explain) I like what Elaine said, not your circus, not your monkeys. If someone asks, say BIL could not attend because of a members funeral he is presiding over. That's all I know. I'd try to concentrate on remembering the uncle and being grateful your BIL and SIL are not there.
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Post by Zee on Jul 24, 2016 17:22:54 GMT
I think you've put a lot more thought into what might happen than the situation warrants. Sleep on it.
I'm not really buying your story that you're only upset on behalf of your in laws--you've said so many negative things about them in the past, FIL in particular, that you probably don't even remember what you've told us. But it's enough to know there is no love lost between you. Frankly, this seems like one big excuse to jump on BIL and it's right on the heels of another BIL story (carblover's thread) that blew up in a big way. It's almost like you're hoping the same thing will happen again. Weird.
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Post by cindyupnorth on Jul 24, 2016 17:47:04 GMT
People will be very shocked that BIL didn't come. People will talk. If I didn't talk to somebody about this, I wouldn't be able to do everything I can to not make this a huge gossipy drama. Because that's not going to help my FIL. It would hurt his ministry OOook, You say a LOT of things, but I'm really not believing all of it. You say one thing, concern for FIL, and then there are prev posts he was creepy, There are all these concerns for uncle's family and they are close, but then that no one likes BIL. It seems sort of like the only people he doesn't get along with is you guys. It's his problem. NOT yours. Let him figure it out. If everyone puts on a happy face all the time, just let them. Life will go on.
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Peamac
Pearl Clutcher
Refupea # 418
Posts: 4,218
Jun 26, 2014 0:09:18 GMT
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Post by Peamac on Jul 24, 2016 18:00:04 GMT
I think wellway 's suggestion is great. If anyone else asks where BIL is after that announcement, just tell them he has a funeral at his own church to perform, mlynn 's suggestions. Any other questions or comments don't need further information. If they want to gossip, that's their sin, not yours. Sometimes people gossip when there's nothing to gossip about and there's nothing you can do about it. If they want to gossip and assume things that aren't true, (and as a result, hurt FIL's ministry) that's on the gossipers. And not everyone believes the gossip they are told- if they know FIL and Uncle, they will be able to recognize gossip when they hear it. If cousins are upset, they need to let BIL know how his actions affect them. If MIL and FIL are hurt, they need to either take it up with BIL or decide to leave it be. Their choice. There's nothing you can do to get BIL behave kindly. If he can't or doesn't want to be there, he won't. (((Hugs)))
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Country Ham
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,313
Jun 25, 2014 19:32:08 GMT
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Post by Country Ham on Jul 24, 2016 18:10:13 GMT
Gossip would spread to multiple churches and be a huge source of pain for the family. (the sheer size that this drama could blow up into is part of what makes me so angry. BIL knows that his absence will be noticed by hundreds of people and will be very difficult to explain) There will only be drama if drama is created, or fed into. Sheesh I couldn't even make my own grandfather's funeral due to being in a different country. Who created drama for my family? Not.one.single.person. Not one person made me feel any worse about it then i already did myself. NO one heaped coals on my head. My husband is a pastor. He only has one living aunt and one living uncle. Would his absence at their funeral be noticed. Yes. But would it created drama amongst the area churches? No. Curiosity maybe. But not drama, and certainly not that big a deal that multiple churches would be disrupted by drama. ETA: I never thought of this. Perhaps your family is a prominent social position such that it will even be written about in the papers and such? We are kind of low profile folks. SaveSave
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scrapaddie
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,090
Jul 8, 2014 20:17:31 GMT
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Post by scrapaddie on Jul 24, 2016 19:17:43 GMT
I got lost reading this, but what I did see was a LOT of vitriole and anger aimed at bil and sil, wrapped in a cloak of concern for mil and fil. Hard to tell if this is a legitimate complaint or a summation of bad family dynamics that have existed for years. Your own attitude certainly colors the picture....
I, personally, have attended 3 of my 4 grandparents' funerals ( the fourth I visited before she died). And I have missed most of my aunts and uncles ' funerals....
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scrapaddie
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,090
Jul 8, 2014 20:17:31 GMT
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Post by scrapaddie on Jul 24, 2016 19:20:37 GMT
And BTW, no pastor allows or refuses to allow families to kiss service, unless you let him. That is positively ridiculous ( this is from someone who rarely misses Sunday services)
From your feelings, I cannot understand how you are able to remain in this church. Surely it is not helping your spiritual growth
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Nink
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,947
Location: North Idaho
Jul 1, 2014 23:30:44 GMT
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Post by Nink on Jul 24, 2016 19:26:33 GMT
I guess I'm lost as to why you think there will be so much drama if your BIL doesn't go to the funeral. Is he really Joel Osteen or something? It seems like you're finding stuff to worry about. FWIW, I wasn't able to attend the funerals of my Uncle or my grandmother and I was incredibly close to both of them. There was zero drama. If someone asked where I was, my sibs just said I lived in another state and couldn't make it. End of discussion.
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Post by leftturnonly on Jul 24, 2016 22:05:57 GMT
Not everyone can come to every family members wedding or funeral or other big life event. One of my very favorite aunts died in January. I was absolutely heart broken. I really wanted to go to the funeral. But she lived on the east cost and we are about 12 hours away. Getting last minute plane tickets was not something we could swing financially. So, I didn't get to go. It happens. I had the same thing happen to me with one of my most favorite aunts. Hell, my own mother wasn't able to attend my husband's funeral because it was too far for her to travel at her age. This is a time for M in Carolina and her husband to focus on their own needs as well as his father's parents and stop thinking about the BIL & SIL. I think, M, that you're giving too much credit to your BIL being a pastor here. In this situation, he's just your BIL who isn't going because (so it seems) his job requirements outweigh his need to attend. Try separating out what his job is from all the rest and it may become easier for you.
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Post by leftturnonly on Jul 24, 2016 22:13:14 GMT
This is just a major shock. I know my in-laws never imagined that their son just wouldn't come. That is a major blow. It really is. You are a good daughter-in-law to care about them so much. Prayers for a safe and harmonious time for you and your husband. Kudos to you for tackling so many of your feelings now. That's a mature, responsible and loving action that requires real effort. I respect you for doing this.
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Post by leftturnonly on Jul 24, 2016 22:25:29 GMT
I quite honestly have no idea what you are asking or talking about and I read it several times. The only thing I get from it is BIL wants people do to what he wants them to do but does not do what other people want him to do. If that's even half right I feel relieved. Too much energy going into what other people do and don't do from all of you. That's all I got. I think you've hit it pretty right on the head. Now, compound that with a very large funeral for a church leader, mix that in with a pretty dysfunctional family and top it all off with the very difficult health issues that M and her dh deal with while living at some distance from where this funeral will be and you can understand why M's emotions are so overwhelming at the moment. I don't know about the rest of you, but it's very possible to love and care for your in-laws even though they have some very serious human failings. M obviously does and that's all that matters here.
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M in Carolina
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,128
Jun 29, 2014 12:11:41 GMT
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Post by M in Carolina on Jul 24, 2016 22:58:52 GMT
I quite honestly have no idea what you are asking or talking about and I read it several times. The only thing I get from it is BIL wants people do to what he wants them to do but does not do what other people want him to do. If that's even half right I feel relieved. Too much energy going into what other people do and don't do from all of you. That's all I got. I think you've hit it pretty right on the head. Now, compound that with a very large funeral for a church leader, mix that in with a pretty dysfunctional family and top it all off with the very difficult health issues that M and her dh deal with while living at some distance from where this funeral will be and you can understand why M's emotions are so overwhelming at the moment. I don't know about the rest of you, but it's very possible to love and care for your in-laws even though they have some very serious human failings. M obviously does and that's all that matters here. This is exactly it. Good people can do bad things. We are all hypocritical at times. Out of concern, love and respect for my dh, I've let a lot of things go. I can't control them. I can make life easier for my dh. I can still love someone who doesn't treat me well. Would I like to resolve the issues dh and I have? A funeral isn't the right time. I'm no longer in these churches because appearances are so much more important and dysfunction is allowed to grow. Anyway, there's an update. The funeral schedule has been changed. Much better for dh, much better for my in-laws. I didn't even see that other thread until way after I was into this thread. I don't like deleting because it's kinda a chicken shit thing to do. But since this whole thing really isn't about me, I'm going to make an exception.
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Post by cindyupnorth on Jul 24, 2016 23:26:20 GMT
I didn't even see that other thread until way after I was into this thread. I don't like deleting because it's kinda a chicken shit thing to do. But since this whole thing really isn't about me, See, I thought the OP WAS all about you, really. I don't see how you can't see that?
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