M in Carolina
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Post by M in Carolina on Jul 24, 2016 4:44:39 GMT
So there shouldn't be any drama now. I know dh and his parents are relieved.
After sleeping for a while, and thinking about someone who is causing trouble IRL, I decided the best thing to do would be to remove this thread. I know it's a kinda chicken shit thing to do.
I really did need some perspective and to vent. Thanks to those who understood.
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Peamac
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Post by Peamac on Jul 24, 2016 4:59:11 GMT
So if I read this right, there's a church member who passed away and your DH's uncle also passed away. The funerals would be about the same time (Uncle's funeral is out of town), so your BIL can't perform both funerals. Whose funeral should he do? Is that right?
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Post by berty on Jul 24, 2016 5:03:15 GMT
I'm sorry I don't really have any advice about the situation, but have you read carblover's thread about a party invitation from her BIL? The only thing running through my head right now is that this might not be the best time to post about BILs around here.
In all seriousness though, I am truly sorry for your family's loss.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 24, 2016 5:30:54 GMT
Just let it be.
Why do you cater to this behavior ?
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Country Ham
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Jun 25, 2014 19:32:08 GMT
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Post by Country Ham on Jul 24, 2016 5:44:26 GMT
I am sorry I got lost in that post. My husband is a pastor so I was really trying to figure out what you were saying/asking
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Post by ntsf on Jul 24, 2016 5:53:05 GMT
if bil is not available or able to do it..find someone else. or move the funeral. try to minimize drama.. but given the history, I would not count on bil. that is the way it is...
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M in Carolina
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Post by M in Carolina on Jul 24, 2016 5:54:59 GMT
So if I read this right, there's a church member who passed away and your DH's uncle also passed away. The funerals would be about the same time (Uncle's funeral is out of town), so your BIL can't perform both funerals. Whose funeral should he do? Is that right? Yes. Except I'm not completely sure it *was* a church member. It's just a funeral BIL said he'd do. I don't put up with BIL. I've told both of them I think they're horrible people. My dh and I have nothing to do with them. Dh's parents are old, and his mom is really sick. So dh and I just plaster smiles on our faces and pretend to get along at Christmas every year. I do think that if BIL was a good son, I would feel a bit differently. I just hurt for my FIL/MIL anyway, and I'm just so upset they're dealing with this as well. Sorry I'm not making enough sense. I'm exhausted, I feel horrible, and my MS is flaring which makes it hard to think clearly. |
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Post by kernriver on Jul 24, 2016 5:57:16 GMT
Ok, since we already have aalllll of the backstory, could you restate your question in 20 words or less. I got completely lost.
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M in Carolina
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Post by M in Carolina on Jul 24, 2016 5:59:47 GMT
if bil is not available or able to do it..find someone else. or move the funeral. try to minimize drama.. but given the history, I would not count on bil. that is the way it is... Dh and I aren't saying anything. We're not involved in any planning. BIL wouldn't have done the funeral all by himself, he would have just been one of the preachers speaking. I just feel so bad for my FIL. I don't even know how my cousins feel yet. I'm really, really, really good about keeping my mouth shut and pretending we're the perfect family. |
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happymomma
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Post by happymomma on Jul 24, 2016 6:01:14 GMT
Honestly...your BIL is a grown man and he gets to decide what he does and doesn't want to do. We all make decisions based on a number of things. You may not know all of the reasons he is choosing not to come. There could be several that I can think of right off the bat; Money could be an issue. Did FIL offer the ticket outright or is son just supposed to know this? Even if the ticket is covered, there are or may be other costs involved. Knowing that he and his wife are strongly disliked and the children seem to be an upset might be an issue. Even if someone is fake nice to you...you know when they don't like you. (But I am a bit confused there because is this the same BIL you told people is a good guy?) Maybe he is having other problems that you don't know about. Maybe he just wants to avoid family drama, of which there seems to be plenty! He gave you as much of a reason as he thinks you need to know. We just don't know everything that others are going through or basing their decisions on and we don't need to.
MIL and FIL are not being demanding of or upset at either of the sons. They even accommodated your husband's Dr. appointment but he and you chose to go anyway, sacrificing your husband's pain. You can't hold that up as an analogy that BIL should be there too.
My MIL had surgery out of town a few years ago. It was the day we were closing on the new house we were buying. We had a ton of stuff to do and we'd both been sick with sinus problems for a week so we didn't even belong going into a hospital full of other sick people. There were going to be five other family members sitting in the waiting room for her that could keep us updated on her minor elective surgery. We stayed here in town and took care of everyone's dogs in between our running around that day. We made the decision not to go based on all of those facts and a few others.
Still...SIL badmouthed us and created a ton of family drama over the fact that we didn't drop everything and go sit there with the other five people. To this day they still don't speak to us over it and truthfully, we are A-OK with that. We are grown-ass adults and my in-laws don't get to dictate the personal choices we make in life. The same goes for your BIL and his family.
Truthfully, this seems to be more about your hatred of your BIL than anything.
I say this from experience: You do what is right for you and let everyone else do the same.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 24, 2016 6:30:03 GMT
WWYD? I would do nothing. You say everyone is incredibly close yet a visit requires plastering on a fake smile.
Each person has a right to decide to go or not go. That includes the bil that you seem to hate and want to make it out like everyone else barely tolerates.
He is a grown man with responsibilities to many people. He may not feel the warm fuzzy plastered smile schtick is what he wants to deal with right now.
A death in his congregation/community very well may be more important in many ways than the death of an uncle.
You seem to harbor a lot of resentment toward a man doing his job. Being a pastor IS a job, he has a board of bosses to report to. He can't just go skipping services and blowing off schedules to please you.
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M in Carolina
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Post by M in Carolina on Jul 24, 2016 6:38:13 GMT
Honestly...your BIL is a grown man and he gets to decide what he does and doesn't want to do. We all make decisions based on a number of things. You may not know all of the reasons he is choosing not to come. There could be several that I can think of right off the bat; Money could be an issue. Did FIL offer the ticket outright or is son just supposed to know this? Even if the ticket is covered, there are or may be other costs involved. Knowing that he and his wife are strongly disliked and the children seem to be an upset might be an issue. Even if someone is fake nice to you...you know when they don't like you. (But I am a bit confused there because is this the same BIL you told people is a good guy?) Maybe he is having other problems that you don't know about. Maybe he just wants to avoid family drama, of which there seems to be plenty! He gave you as much of a reason as he thinks you need to know. We just don't know everything that others are going through or basing their decisions on and we don't need to. MIL and FIL are not being demanding of or upset at either of the sons. They even accommodated your husband's Dr. appointment but he and you chose to go anyway, sacrificing your husband's pain. You can't hold that up as an analogy that BIL should be there too. My MIL had surgery out of town a few years ago. It was the day we were closing on the new house we were buying. We had a ton of stuff to do and we'd both been sick with sinus problems for a week so we didn't even belong going into a hospital full of other sick people. There were going to be five other family members sitting in the waiting room for her that could keep us updated on her minor elective surgery. We stayed here in town and took care of everyone's dogs in between our running around that day. We made the decision not to go based on all of those facts and a few others. Still...SIL badmouthed us and created a ton of family drama over the fact that we didn't drop everything and go sit there with the other five people. To this day they still don't speak to us over it and truthfully, we are A-OK with that. We are grown-ass adults and my in-laws don't get to dictate the personal choices we make in life. The same goes for your BIL and his family. Truthfully, this seems to be more about your hatred of your BIL than anything. I say this from experience: You do what is right for you and let everyone else do the same. Thanks for being honest with me. I do admit that I'm angry because of the way my dh has been treated by his brother. My inlaws think that my BIL walks on water. Dh and I haven't complained to them about what BIL/SIL have done. I don't bad mouth them to anyone. I haven't. I thought for a while that my BIL was a good person, but that was before the way he treated his best friend, then dh and me when I got sick and then dh did. He and SIL have told dh and me how we should act for years. We've put up with a lot. I don't agree that we should have to take this, but dh just went along with is for his mom's sake, so out of respect for dh and love for my MIL, I keep my mouth shut.--I'm just venting to y'all what we've been through with them. There will be no family drama from dh or me. My inlaws just ignore everything and pretend everything's ok. What will be difficult is that the whole huge family will be there. Uncle has helped with all these ministries, and the funeral will be enormous. The funeral is actually being held at FIL's church because the small one my uncle and aunt had been helping with for the past few years is too small. All these people know that BIL is a pastor. Him not being there will be a huge deal. I don't know what FIL and MIL will do about it. I do know that if it was us that weren't going because dh was sick or couldn't miss work or whatever, BIL/SIL would tell us that wasn't ok, we should go, etc. make a huge deal out of it. So mostly I'm just venting. I'm exhausted. Dh feels that he's felt really bad for a long time so what's one more week? If BIL wasn't doing this to FIL, I think dh would wait to leave until after the appointment. But if we waited, we'd miss the visitation. I do admire my dh for wanting to be there for his dad. He's a really caring person. He's been a good son and hasn't done anything to be treated the way he has been by his brother. I just feel so heartsick for my inlaws and dh. I can't make my BIL be a good person, and I can control the drama by choosing to not be involved. It still hurts. |
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happymomma
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Post by happymomma on Jul 24, 2016 6:51:04 GMT
I understand. But I also know that you have enough of your own problems that you don't need to take this on, right? Your BIL's decision is his and doesn't reflect poorly on you. I'm not kidding when I tell you that once you stop worrying about everyone else's actions or thoughts and convince yourself that you are only responsible for your own, you will feel soooo much better!
The stress isn't good for you and in the end you can't control others anyway. Know that you're living life the way you think is right. Don't worry about what others think of your decisions, for they are YOUR decisions to make. If you're doing what you think is right, you're all set. You'll find more peace that way than you ever will trying to convince anyone of your views.
The drama is not good for you, whether it's internal or out in the open. I know you a smart woman. Peace out and be happy. Only you can make that choice. Hugs.
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M in Carolina
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Post by M in Carolina on Jul 24, 2016 6:56:53 GMT
WWYD? I would do nothing. You say everyone is incredibly close yet a visit requires plastering on a fake smile. Each person has a right to decide to go or not go. That includes the bil that you seem to hate and want to make it out like everyone else barely tolerates. He is a grown man with responsibilities to many people. He may not feel the warm fuzzy plastered smile schtick is what he wants to deal with right now. A death in his congregation/community very well may be more important in many ways than the death of an uncle. You seem to harbor a lot of resentment toward a man doing his job. Being a pastor IS a job, he has a board of bosses to report to. He can't just go skipping services and blowing off schedules to please you. I am resentful. I do try to pretend that the way dh's brother and wife has treated my dh doesn't bother me. I'm angry that my dh needs his brother and spiritual counsel but has been rebuffed over and over again. So dh has given up reaching out, and has resigned himself to never having that relationship with his brother. BIL is close to his parents and the rest of the family. They would have been been flexible with the funeral so BIL could be there if he wanted to be there. I totally get that pastors can't blow off schedules and has a lot of responsibilities. So I've never said anything and went along with whatever dh's family decided. I planned my wedding around him because that's what my inlaws wanted. BIL's church is teensy tiny. They've run off most of the members. I know that my inlaws have been hurt that BIL couldn't be more flexible at Christmas since there's not many people attending the services between the special Christmas one and New's Years. I don't hate my BIL/SIL. I have been hurt by them but have tried very hard to forgive and let go. This thing with BIL this week isn't about me. It's about my FIL. I hate that on top of losing his brother that my FIL is hurt by his son's behaviour and has to deal with that, too. |
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M in Carolina
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Post by M in Carolina on Jul 24, 2016 7:03:43 GMT
I understand. But I also know that you have enough of your own problems that you don't need to take this on, right? Your BIL's decision is his and doesn't reflect poorly on you. I'm not kidding when I tell you that once you stop worrying about everyone else's actions or thoughts and convince yourself that you are only responsible for your own, you will feel soooo much better! The stress isn't good for you and in the end you can't control others anyway. Know that you're living life the way you think is right. Don't worry about what others think of your decisions, for they are YOUR decisions to make. If you're doing what you think is right, you're all set. You'll find more peace that way than you ever will trying to convince anyone of your views. The drama is not good for you, whether it's internal or out in the open. I know you a smart woman. Peace out and be happy. Only you can make that choice. Hugs. You're absolutely right. This is why I shared this with the peas. I so need this right now. I am going to let this go. This doesn't reflect badly on me. I just love my dh and his parents. They're good people who do so much for others. They don't deserve this. People will be very shocked that BIL didn't come. People will talk. If I didn't talk to somebody about this, I wouldn't be able to do everything I can to not make this a huge gossipy drama. Because that's not going to help my FIL. It would hurt his ministry. Thank you so much for helping me work through this. |
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happymomma
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Post by happymomma on Jul 24, 2016 7:17:34 GMT
I understand. But I also know that you have enough of your own problems that you don't need to take this on, right? Your BIL's decision is his and doesn't reflect poorly on you. I'm not kidding when I tell you that once you stop worrying about everyone else's actions or thoughts and convince yourself that you are only responsible for your own, you will feel soooo much better! The stress isn't good for you and in the end you can't control others anyway. Know that you're living life the way you think is right. Don't worry about what others think of your decisions, for they are YOUR decisions to make. If you're doing what you think is right, you're all set. You'll find more peace that way than you ever will trying to convince anyone of your views. The drama is not good for you, whether it's internal or out in the open. I know you a smart woman. Peace out and be happy. Only you can make that choice. Hugs. You're absolutely right. This is why I shared this with the peas. I so need this right now. I am going to let this go. This doesn't reflect badly on me. I just love my dh and his parents. They're good people who do so much for others. They don't deserve this. People will be very shocked that BIL didn't come. People will talk. If I didn't talk to somebody about this, I wouldn't be able to do everything I can to not make this a huge gossipy drama. Because that's not going to help my FIL. It would hurt his ministry. Thank you so much for helping me work through this. Do you have two sets of in-laws? Lol. Weren't you just saying how creepy your FIL is and that he was watching you in bed? And didn't you just say that you've told BIL and SIL that they're horrible people and you won't have anything to do with them? I'm sooo confused right now, I better go to bed. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 24, 2016 7:18:52 GMT
I understand. But I also know that you have enough of your own problems that you don't need to take this on, right? Your BIL's decision is his and doesn't reflect poorly on you. I'm not kidding when I tell you that once you stop worrying about everyone else's actions or thoughts and convince yourself that you are only responsible for your own, you will feel soooo much better! The stress isn't good for you and in the end you can't control others anyway. Know that you're living life the way you think is right. Don't worry about what others think of your decisions, for they are YOUR decisions to make. If you're doing what you think is right, you're all set. You'll find more peace that way than you ever will trying to convince anyone of your views. The drama is not good for you, whether it's internal or out in the open. I know you a smart woman. Peace out and be happy. Only you can make that choice. Hugs. You're absolutely right. This is why I shared this with the peas. I so need this right now. I am going to let this go. This doesn't reflect badly on me. I just love my dh and his parents. They're good people who do so much for others. They don't deserve this. People will be very shocked that BIL didn't come. People will talk. If I didn't talk to somebody about this, I wouldn't be able to do everything I can to not make this a huge gossipy drama. Because that's not going to help my FIL. It would hurt his ministry. Thank you so much for helping me work through this. There is so much wrapped up in the above bolded bit. You are spending a lot of mental energy worrying about appearances and what other people might think. I don't think people will be as shocked or care as much as you think they will and if they do...why do you care so much? Are the opinions of all these people so very important to you? You don't need to feel bad for MIL/FIL. They can take care of their own emotions. I think I read that you are sick so I would suggest putting all your energy into looking after you and what goes around in your head. |
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M in Carolina
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Post by M in Carolina on Jul 24, 2016 7:27:41 GMT
You're absolutely right. This is why I shared this with the peas. I so need this right now. I am going to let this go. This doesn't reflect badly on me. I just love my dh and his parents. They're good people who do so much for others. They don't deserve this. People will be very shocked that BIL didn't come. People will talk. If I didn't talk to somebody about this, I wouldn't be able to do everything I can to not make this a huge gossipy drama. Because that's not going to help my FIL. It would hurt his ministry. Thank you so much for helping me work through this. Do you have two sets of in-laws? Lol. Weren't you just saying how creepy your FIL is and that he was watching you in bed? And didn't you just say that you've told BIL and SIL that they're horrible people and you won't have anything to do with them? I'm sooo confused right now, I better go to bed. He has been creepy to me. My inlaws are racists. I did tell my BIL that he shouldn't treat my dh like he does. My FIL isn't all bad. Neither is my BIL. I think my SIL is jealous of me. I'm sure that she's stressed out dealing with 3 kids and a husband who doesn't help. I've tried really hard to still be polite and kind. It's really difficult. My dh tries to treat them with kindness. I can't change them. I feel like a huge hypocrite for pretending that I'm ok with their behaviours. It does cause more stress for me. I do wish my dh would tell them how their actions bother him. But I love my dh and understand that you still love your parents even when they're not perfect. I loved dh's uncle. I uncle's family. I'm stuck in a super complicated situation which is really frustrating for me. I don't want to add to the drama everyone ignores by rolling my eyes or saying something about my BIL to someone this week when they ask why BIL didn't come. As y'all have reminded me, I can't control anyone else's actions. I absolutely CAN control the way I respond to them, and that's what I needed the peas to remind me of. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 24, 2016 7:31:24 GMT
WWYD? I would do nothing. You say everyone is incredibly close yet a visit requires plastering on a fake smile. Each person has a right to decide to go or not go. That includes the bil that you seem to hate and want to make it out like everyone else barely tolerates. He is a grown man with responsibilities to many people. He may not feel the warm fuzzy plastered smile schtick is what he wants to deal with right now. A death in his congregation/community very well may be more important in many ways than the death of an uncle. You seem to harbor a lot of resentment toward a man doing his job. Being a pastor IS a job, he has a board of bosses to report to. He can't just go skipping services and blowing off schedules to please you. I am resentful. I do try to pretend that the way dh's brother and wife has treated my dh doesn't bother me.
I'm angry that my dh needs his brother and spiritual counsel but has been rebuffed over and over again. So dh has given up reaching out, and has resigned himself to never having that relationship with his brother. BIL is close to his parents and the rest of the family. They would have been been flexible with the funeral so BIL could be there if he wanted to be there. I totally get that pastors can't blow off schedules and has a lot of responsibilities. So I've never said anything and went along with whatever dh's family decided. I planned my wedding around him because that's what my inlaws wanted. BIL's church is teensy tiny. They've run off most of the members. I know that my inlaws have been hurt that BIL couldn't be more flexible at Christmas since there's not many people attending the services between the special Christmas one and New's Years. I don't hate my BIL/SIL. I have been hurt by them but have tried very hard to forgive and let go. This thing with BIL this week isn't about me. It's about my FIL. I hate that on top of losing his brother that my FIL is hurt by his son's behaviour and has to deal with that, too. Why does what you think your dh needs supercede what his brother wants? What if brother does not want to be the spiritual counsel for a sibling relationship. Maybe he just wants a normal sibling relationship... or maybe being siblings has more damaging memories and the brother doesn't want any relationship. Just because two people grew up in the same house doesn't make them life long friends and confidants. You seem to think because he is a pastor he is some sort of superbeing. He isn't. He is human. The thing this week IS about you. It isn't about your father in law at all. It is about your feelings. Save |
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M in Carolina
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Post by M in Carolina on Jul 24, 2016 7:33:31 GMT
You're absolutely right. This is why I shared this with the peas. I so need this right now. I am going to let this go. This doesn't reflect badly on me. I just love my dh and his parents. They're good people who do so much for others. They don't deserve this. People will be very shocked that BIL didn't come. People will talk. If I didn't talk to somebody about this, I wouldn't be able to do everything I can to not make this a huge gossipy drama. Because that's not going to help my FIL. It would hurt his ministry. Thank you so much for helping me work through this. There is so much wrapped up in the above bolded bit. You are spending a lot of mental energy worrying about appearances and what other people might think. I don't think people will be as shocked or care as much as you think they will and if they do...why do you care so much? Are the opinions of all these people so very important to you? You don't need to feel bad for MIL/FIL. They can take care of their own emotions. I think I read that you are sick so I would suggest putting all your energy into looking after you and what goes around in your head. I've just been part of this family for 23 years. I used to go to the same church as my inlaws. I know these people will talk. So I needed to talk to someone. Y'all have helped me. I knew it would be hard to respond to the questions and keep tongues from wagging. My MIL has been very sick, and my FIL is already exhausted with caring for her and his brother. I want to make this situation easier for them than worse. So I just had to vent to somebody so my personal hurts didn't wind up hurting my FIL and MIL. I don't want my attitude and actions to cause them more pain. |
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M in Carolina
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Post by M in Carolina on Jul 24, 2016 7:45:44 GMT
I am resentful. I do try to pretend that the way dh's brother and wife has treated my dh doesn't bother me.
I'm angry that my dh needs his brother and spiritual counsel but has been rebuffed over and over again. So dh has given up reaching out, and has resigned himself to never having that relationship with his brother. BIL is close to his parents and the rest of the family. They would have been been flexible with the funeral so BIL could be there if he wanted to be there. I totally get that pastors can't blow off schedules and has a lot of responsibilities. So I've never said anything and went along with whatever dh's family decided. I planned my wedding around him because that's what my inlaws wanted. BIL's church is teensy tiny. They've run off most of the members. I know that my inlaws have been hurt that BIL couldn't be more flexible at Christmas since there's not many people attending the services between the special Christmas one and New's Years. I don't hate my BIL/SIL. I have been hurt by them but have tried very hard to forgive and let go. This thing with BIL this week isn't about me. It's about my FIL. I hate that on top of losing his brother that my FIL is hurt by his son's behaviour and has to deal with that, too. Why does what you think your dh needs supercede what his brother wants? What if brother does not want to be the spiritual counsel for a sibling relationship. Maybe he just wants a normal sibling relationship... or maybe being siblings has more damaging memories and the brother doesn't want any relationship. Just because two people grew up in the same house doesn't make them life long friends and confidants. You seem to think because he is a pastor he is some sort of superbeing. He isn't. He is human. The thing this week IS about you. It isn't about your father in law at all. It is about your feelings. SaveMy feelings are making dealing with all this hard. My dh is much younger and has tried for a long time to have some relationship with his brother. We moved to help BIL with his church when we were first married because BIL needed help and asked dh. Dh and his brother did have a good relationship. You are right that dh can't make someone have a relationship. Dh and his parents are hurting, and it's hard to see your loved ones hurt. I do have a lot of my own feelings to deal with. I have tried to forget these problems. This week is going to be very hard. I do honestly want to keep my mouth shut and not cause drama. The way dh and I have been treated isn't an excuse to cause drama this week. I don't want to be the cause of more drama. My inlaws are hurting enough this week. |
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Post by leftturnonly on Jul 24, 2016 8:20:05 GMT
If BIL wasn't doing this to FIL, I think dh would wait to leave until after the appointment. But if we waited, we'd miss the visitation. This is probably at the heart of your anger right now. I have lost a father, a husband, a brother-in-law, grandparents, in-laws, aunts and uncles, and cousins. The importance of my presence has not been the same at each funeral. I suggest you be as honest as you can be with yourself, sleep on it, and figure out how important it is for your dh to miss his appointment and get there earlier rather than later. You might realize that this is the best course for your dh's needs, or you may realize that your dh would really be better off having the appointment and going a little later. There will be a LOT of people at the funeral. Your in-laws will be inundated with people. They might not get to spend much time with your dh beforehand. His sacrificing his appointment to get there earlier might not be as important as you think right now. Maybe it's time to just take your BIL & SIL out of the equation of when you and your ill husband will go. I'm sorry for your loss. |
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Post by leftturnonly on Jul 24, 2016 8:31:09 GMT
I don't want to add to the drama everyone ignores by rolling my eyes or saying something about my BIL to someone this week when they ask why BIL didn't come. My SIL's husband and my BIL's wife didn't come to family things for years on end. (Both SIL & BIL are now divorced from those spouses.) The excuses made for them were pretty lame. Don't even bother making excuses for yours. Decide what you will say when people ask you why he and his family aren't there and stick to it. "I heard he was performing another funeral," or whatever else you choose. State it plainly and if any further questions are asked, shrug, smile and walk away. |
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M in Carolina
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Post by M in Carolina on Jul 24, 2016 9:41:37 GMT
I don't want to add to the drama everyone ignores by rolling my eyes or saying something about my BIL to someone this week when they ask why BIL didn't come. My SIL's husband and my BIL's wife didn't come to family things for years on end. (Both SIL & BIL are now divorced from those spouses.) The excuses made for them were pretty lame. Don't even bother making excuses for yours. Decide what you will say when people ask you why he and his family aren't there and stick to it. "I heard he was performing another funeral," or whatever else you choose. State it plainly and if any further questions are asked, shrug, smile and walk away. That's exactly what I intend to do. I just know how difficult that is going to be. I just needed to vent and work through my feelings. I didn't want to add to dh's stress by talking to him about it. |
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gsquaredmom
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Post by gsquaredmom on Jul 24, 2016 10:04:24 GMT
I have to admit I am not sure I have it all straight.
I think your husband should go to his appointment.
And I don't understand why you care so much about such a drama-filled and stress-laden family.
It is what it is. Everyone does what is right for them.
Do what is right for you and your DH. The dead won't care if and when you show up, nor will he care about pastors and youth pastors, etc.
Everyone else is grieving in their own way, people act weird at funerals, and drama is always magnified with the heightened emotions.
Frankly, if this is too much for you, don't go. Send your regrets that you are not feeling well. Your husband should go to his appointment and attend the funeral.
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Post by anonrefugee on Jul 24, 2016 11:37:40 GMT
Total hijack @happymomma, but thank you for not visiting the hospital while still sick. What voltagain said is very true: death in his congregation/community very well may be more important in many ways than the death of an uncle. ------- One can presume your on laws were proud your BIL chose (was called?) to ministry. Although they are hurting they likely know and respect his responsibility. M, you have a kind and sensitive heart. Is there a way to reframe this in your thoughts? You and DH have a lot to focus on this week. (Sorry I can't get quotes or tags right this morning.) |
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Post by mikklynn on Jul 24, 2016 11:52:06 GMT
Vent away. Your BIL is a tool. No one is going to change him. It's not your problem.
You and your DH support your FIL as best you can. Ignore the rest.
Go get some rest!
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Jul 24, 2016 11:58:31 GMT
People will be very shocked that BIL didn't come. People will talk. If I didn't talk to somebody about this, I wouldn't be able to do everything I can to not make this a huge gossipy drama. Because that's not going to help my FIL. It would hurt his ministry. There is so much wrapped up in the above bolded bit. You are spending a lot of mental energy worrying about appearances and what other people might think. I don't think people will be as shocked or care as much as you think they will and if they do...why do you care so much? Are the opinions of all these people so very important to you? One of my cardinal rules is that I never let other people's behavior determine mine. "They" can say and do as they please. It reflects on them. Stay true to you. You be you. That's all you are responsible for. And, can I just say, these types of threads frustrate me a little. It's irrelevant what "we" would do or think. You'll get response after response of as many different reactions to the scenario as possible. But in the end, your BIL is being true to him. He's doing him. You may think he's an ass and we may, in large, agree with you. But to what end? Screw what other people think about him not coming. You are not responsible for him. And frankly, given the way you describe him, I think I'd be delighted to hear he was not going to be there. |
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Post by smalltowngirlie on Jul 24, 2016 12:08:49 GMT
I totally get that pastors can't blow off schedules and has a lot of responsibilities. So I've never said anything and went along with whatever dh's family decided. I planned my wedding around him because that's what my inlaws wanted. BIL's church is teensy tiny. They've run off most of the members. I know that my inlaws have been hurt that BIL couldn't be more flexible at Christmas since there's not many people attending the services between the special Christmas one and New's Years. I don't hate my BIL/SIL. I have been hurt by them but have tried very hard to forgive and let go. This thing with BIL this week isn't about me. It's about my FIL. I hate that on top of losing his brother that my FIL is hurt by his son's behaviour and has to deal with that, too. As someone belonging to a very small church, this really stood out to me. Just because not many people are at a church service does not mean the Pastor should not be there. That is his job. This makes it look like you don't respect him as a Pastor. His job is not 9-5, he is basically on call 24-7. Christmas is a very important season in the church year, he needs to be at his church. I think you have issues with all of your DH's family, they are not meeting your expectations of what they should be. Someone once said, "If you don't have expectations of me, you will never be disappointed, but once in a while you will be very pleasantly surprised." Stop have expectations of others. |
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Post by quinmm14 on Jul 24, 2016 12:19:48 GMT
First of all, I'm sorry for your loss. I totally get that you're venting here, but could I offer you a thought (or two  ? The problems that your dh has with his brother aren't going to go away by you involving yourself in the situation. They're both grown ass men, they should be the ones working toward repairing the relationship, if they want to. There really has to be a desire on both sides to make it work, and honestly maybe neither brother thinks it's as big a thing as you do. Some families just aren't close and never will be. If I'm reading and understanding correctly, you seem to be very worried about what people will say about this. Who cares? People talk all the time, no matter what you say, do, or think, you just are not going to be able to stop people from doing what (some) people just naturally do. They talk. They gossip. As long as you aren't the one trash talking, just let it go. And people who worry about appearances? Those kind of people just wear me the eff out, I don't have any patience for that, and really you shouldn't either. All this said just from my personal experience, and I truly don't mean to be unkind, I just don't sugarcoat as much anymore.  |
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Southern Side eyed Pea 
? The problems that your dh has with his brother aren't going to go away by you involving yourself in the situation. They're both grown ass men, they should be the ones working toward repairing the relationship, if they want to. There really has to be a desire on both sides to make it work, and honestly maybe neither brother thinks it's as big a thing as you do. Some families just aren't close and never will be.