julieb
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Post by julieb on Oct 19, 2016 10:59:59 GMT
Ugh. My oldest (26) ds told us a few months ago that he and his gf were moving to Denver (from Chicago) next summer. I was okay with it, as he stated it would probably only be for a few years. He said they wanted a change of scenery. She is an only child from our area, so I'm hoping that they do come back. We are going out with them in March to check it out and go skiing. I'm trying to be supportive, but I don't have to like it. I realize they may love it and not come back, but I know they will be back for holidays, etc. Now last night my youngest (22) ds told us that he will probably be moving to the west coast next summer! I bawled. His gf lives in NYC and instead of her moving here they want to go somewhere where they both are on fresh soil. She is from LA, but they would be further north. DS has always said he wanted to be in CA or WA for computers (he has a Computer Engineering degree). The company he works for has offices on the west coast so he could probably transfer. So, although I know it isn't 100% her idea, I do know she is hesitant to move to Chicago for "a guy". DS was with this young women for 6 months and then they broke up for 3 (because of the distance and her hesitation to move to Chicago) and have been back together for 3. They see each other every 2-3 weeks. I feel like she wants my baby all to herself!!  I'm heartbroken. I feel like my 3 kids will never be together with us again. We finally enjoy going out together as adults and have a great time and now that vision is gone. Grandchildren?? Geez - that makes me cry even more! DH and I were talking about getting a lake house for our kids to come and enjoy on the weekends. That's out the window. Luckily my DH is very rational and had a talk with him about making rash decisions and having a base of family and friends. The gf moved across the country once and then from another east coast city to NYC. She doesn't "have" to be on the west coast. I really liked this girl, felt bad for her when ds broke it off, now I'm not so sure. lol Thanks for letting me vent. |
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Deleted
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Jun 2, 2024 5:41:48 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 19, 2016 11:40:24 GMT
You still have 1 close?
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julieb
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Post by julieb on Oct 19, 2016 11:50:51 GMT
Yes, my dd(my oldest) lives in the city - only 40 minutes from us. She just got married and we see her about every 2 weeks. Dh works downtown Chicago so he hates going down there again for any reason, but I can get him there when it involves the kids. I looked at my dh last night and said "well, I still have J". |
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grinningcat
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Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Oct 19, 2016 12:00:10 GMT
Please make sure that you mask these feelings around your children. It's very sad to see that you can't let go of your children and that you're disappointed that they are living their lives instead of the one that you have planned for them. If you share this negativity with them, I guarantee that will push them away more instead of making them stay close. Few people do guilt trips well.
My brother, sister, and I are in 3 separate locations. We are still close. My parents saw grandchildren probably about 4 times a year. You deal. It's not a big deal. Yes, we miss each other but you plan trips and the marvels of technology make staying in touch super easy.
I guess what I am saying is that I read your post with horror. I assume you're just venting, but just be careful to not let that resentment out and push them away where you don't see them at all. Distance may not be ideal but enmeshment is much worse.
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carhoch
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Be yourself everybody else is already taken
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Post by carhoch on Oct 19, 2016 12:00:15 GMT
My mom grow up in the Nederland move to Switzerland to marry my dad she was a single child, my grandparents came a couple of time a year and we went there too.
I move to Virginia with my DH and Kids and for the last 20 years my parents came every years once and we went back to Switzerland every summer and I can tell you I am very close to parents (FaceTime is the way to go ) my kids are very close to there cousins .
I became a grandmother last Sunday and right now I am in Atlanta where my son and his family lives to meet the little guy ,
You will see it's really not the end of the world we spend less time with them but it's quality time we make it count !
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Post by Zee on Oct 19, 2016 12:13:21 GMT
Now you have new places to visit. They're living their lives, enjoy their adventures!
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Post by ExpatBackHome on Oct 19, 2016 12:18:02 GMT
Keep in mind, it's not about getting away from you. It's about having the life they want. Make sure you're supportive so they'll want to come home for visits. We moved from Virginia where our parents live (I was raised there) to Kentucky, then Delaware (which was great because it was only a 4 hour drive then). From Delaware we moved to India and now we live in Poland. Is it hard? YES. But we need to make decisions based on what's best for us (DH is in banking so many jobs got sent overseas). It has nothing to do with not wanting to be near family. It's a sacrifice to work toward our goals. We really enjoy the expat life but we still miss "home". We can only visit once a year during summer break. My in laws come twice a year. My dad comes every two years. There's LOTS of FaceTime happening.
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Deleted
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Jun 2, 2024 5:41:48 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 19, 2016 12:19:52 GMT
How far are you from you/dh's extended families and parents? Perhaps it is time you turn your attention to those relationships to fill the void of children becoming adults.
When I grew up I moved on with my h to where the jobs took us. It is part of growing up.
Now, my nearest child is 7 hours away. I'm in Oklahoma. I've got one in Oregon and one who is headed to Myanmar soon. They are going where work and, yes, other relationships like spouses, take them.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Oct 19, 2016 12:22:14 GMT
Aww...I'm so sorry. The one good thing is that you should be proud you raised strong, independent children. I'm so glad they are going off and being successful. Hugs to you, though, that would break my heart. It's a weird balance, isn't it? My son will probably still be in a basement when he's 40 and no one wants that. But we also don't want them to move far away either. |
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flute4peace
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Jul 3, 2014 14:38:35 GMT
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Post by flute4peace on Oct 19, 2016 12:26:30 GMT
Awww I completely understand! !! I have a similar situation with my son & it absolutely breaks my heart, especially with the thought of grandchildren. There is absolutely nothing wrong with the way you're feeling!
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julieb
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Post by julieb on Oct 19, 2016 12:32:05 GMT
Please make sure that you mask these feelings around your children. It's very sad to see that you can't let go of your children and that you're disappointed that they are living their lives instead of the one that you have planned for them. If you share this negativity with them, I guarantee that will push them away more instead of making them stay close. Few people do guilt trips well. My brother, sister, and I are in 3 separate locations. We are still close. My parents saw grandchildren probably about 4 times a year. You deal. It's not a big deal. Yes, we miss each other but you plan trips and the marvels of technology make staying in touch super easy. I guess what I am saying is that I read your post with horror. I assume you're just venting, but just be careful to not let that resentment out and push them away where you don't see them at all. Distance may not be ideal but enmeshment is much worse. Horror? lol No just venting and sad. My kids know how much I love them and their company. |
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Post by mikklynn on Oct 19, 2016 12:33:41 GMT
I understand. My DS and his wife moved from MN to MT with our only grandchild. It broke my heart. But, he has to live his life. It's not selfish of either of you. You have to deal with it, without laying guilt on the kids (I am not saying you will!)
It will be OK. They come here, we go there. We are very close to our 2 grandchildren, one born out there. We Facetime, call, send little packages, whatever to keep in touch. I have even read bedtime stories over the phone.
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tincin
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Jul 25, 2014 4:55:32 GMT
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Post by tincin on Oct 19, 2016 12:37:56 GMT
Ugh. My oldest (26) ds told us a few months ago that he and his gf were moving to Denver (from Chicago) next summer. I was okay with it, as he stated it would probably only be for a few years. He said they wanted a change of scenery. She is an only child from our area, so I'm hoping that they do come back. We are going out with them in March to check it out and go skiing. I'm trying to be supportive, but I don't have to like it. I realize they may love it and not come back, but I know they will be back for holidays, etc. Now last night my youngest (22) ds told us that he will probably be moving to the west coast next summer! I bawled. His gf lives in NYC and instead of her moving here they want to go somewhere where they both are on fresh soil. She is from LA, but they would be further north. DS has always said he wanted to be in CA or WA for computers (he has a Computer Engineering degree). The company he works for has offices on the west coast so he could probably transfer. So, although I know it isn't 100% her idea, I do know she is hesitant to move to Chicago for "a guy". DS was with this young women for 6 months and then they broke up for 3 (because of the distance and her hesitation to move to Chicago) and have been back together for 3. They see each other every 2-3 weeks. I feel like she wants my baby all to herself!! I'm heartbroken. I feel like my 3 kids will never be together with us again. We finally enjoy going out together as adults and have a great time and now that vision is gone. Grandchildren?? Geez - that makes me cry even more! DH and I were talking about getting a lake house for our kids to come and enjoy on the weekends. That's out the window. Luckily my DH is very rational and had a talk with him about making rash decisions and having a base of family and friends. The gf moved across the country once and then from another east coast city to NYC. She doesn't "have" to be on the west coast. I really liked this girl, felt bad for her when ds broke it off, now I'm not so sure. lol Thanks for letting me vent. I feel your pain. My youngest is planning a move to the west coast where his GF moved about 2 years ago. I'm not happy about the move either. I am allowed to not like it and so are you. I support his decision but I hate it. |
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rickmer
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Post by rickmer on Oct 19, 2016 12:42:32 GMT
my kids are much younger and we played "who is most likely..." in the car last year. ALL 3 agreed my youngest DS would be the most likely to move to australia.  i took DD to see mama mia in the theatre when she was about 10. i cried the whole way home. she asked me why and i told her i was sad because the girl was leaving the island and her mom... she promised me she would *never* leave me. i sucked up the tears and told her "but you have to go, just like that girl did... everyone has their own life to lead".  i am sad for you but try be happy and proud that you have raised confident people that are keen to strike out on their own. my brother moved out at just after he turned 40. i know people in my town that were born there, live there and will die there. they won't come to toronto for a concert because it is too scary and god only knows what could happen. |
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Post by gar on Oct 19, 2016 12:42:36 GMT
Don't blame the girlfriend, even a little bit. Your children are adults, heck you had them close for a long time which is great but now they're doing what you taught them presumably - to be strong independent adults building great lives for themselves.
Why do you feel they'll never be together with you again? To live, no probably not but that's not healthy, but why wouldn't there be vacations and occasions when you can all get together?
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Post by gar on Oct 19, 2016 12:45:21 GMT
i know people in my town that were born there, live there and will die there. they won't come to toronto for a concert because it is too scary and god only knows what could happen.  That's sad...really sad. |
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Post by iamkristinl16 on Oct 19, 2016 12:53:04 GMT
I would feel bad about that, too. My brothers (they are twins) and I all moved out of state from where our parents live (Iowa). My brothers both moved to Portland and work together. Even though they are across the county, they have each other and one of them is married to a woman from Portland so they have her family as well. My mom goes there several times a year to visit and the one who is married to an Iowa girl comes back twice a year. I live in MN. We are within driving distance of parents but we need to take a long weekend to go. I am so jealous of people who have close family that they can see more easily. My stepmom has remarried after my dad died, and my half and step siblings are all very close (in distance and friendship). They have family dinner every Monday, go on vacations together, babysit each other's kids, etc.I wish I could be a part of that but really have no desire to live in the town/area that they do. In some ways I wish I hadn't moved away because it is hard to go back (at least to that area, where there are very few job opportunities).
DH jokes with the kids about kicking them out when they are 18 and I make sure that they know he is just joking.lol. I hope that they end up closer to us than we are from our family.
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Post by anxiousmom on Oct 19, 2016 13:01:08 GMT
I can relate...I come from a velcro family. We all live fairly close by (the kind of close that allows us to meet for lunch on a whim) and even when we move, we all sort of tend to move in the same directions. -and this isn't just my immediate family, this includes aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. I get wanting to be close to your children. Both of my boys have moved for college. One joined the National Guard for that state, the prospect of him moving home any time soon is slim at best. The other is about 5 hours away and is already talking about the life he wants for himself that doesn't involve living here in his hometown. It is sad of course, but at the same time I guess this means that I gave them all the tools they need to survive without me. I hope that when it is all said and done we end up closer, but time will tell on that one. The joke right now is the arguing about which kid gets which parent when they get old and have to live with them.  |
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happymomma
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Post by happymomma on Oct 19, 2016 13:05:31 GMT
You have my sympathy for sure.
My son, only child, moved from Michigan to Montana a few weeks after he graduated high school in 2007. He spent the summer there, came back here for two years of college, then moved right back to Montana.
It has been SO hard for me, and after all this time I'm still not really used to it, though I should be.
I do look at him with pride though that I raised him to be confident and independent enough to strike out on his own. He's had some crappy luck job wise and has struggled a lot lately, but he won't come home. He's on a good path though and at least we talk or text pretty much daily.
He recently joined the IBEW so is working and going to school. It'll be a few years before that pays off but when he completes this program I hope and pray he and his little family can move closer to Michigan or maybe even back here to his home town.
All that to say...I get how you feel. Big momma hugs to you.
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julieb
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Post by julieb on Oct 19, 2016 13:06:16 GMT
Don't blame the girlfriend, even a little bit. Your children are adults, heck you had them close for a long time which is great but now they're doing what you taught them presumably - to be strong independent adults building great lives for themselves. Why do you feel they'll never be together with you again? To live, no probably not but that's not healthy, but why wouldn't there be vacations and occasions when you can all get together? There will be times...I'm just sad. I am very proud that my kids are so independent. When I made them start making their own lunches in jr. high my friends were aghast. lol |
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julieb
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Post by julieb on Oct 19, 2016 13:08:23 GMT
You have my sympathy for sure. My son, only child, moved from Michigan to Montana a few weeks after he graduated high school in 2007. He spent the summer there, came back here for two years of college, then moved right back to Montana. It has been SO hard for me, and after all this time I'm still not really used to it, though I should be. I do look at him with pride though that I raised him to be confident and independent enough to strike out on his own. He's had some crappy luck job wise and has struggled a lot lately, but he won't come home. He's on a good path though and at least we talk or text pretty much daily. He recently joined the IBEW so is working and going to school. It'll be a few years before that pays off but when he completes this program I hope and pray he and his little family can move closer to Michigan or maybe even back here to his home town. All that to say...I get how you feel. Big momma hugs to you. Thanks for the hugs. I know it has to be incredibly hard with your son. Just the visions we have of being together are being crushed. I didn't have a problem letting go when they went to college, but this is hard. My 5 siblings and my parents live within 15 miles of each other - at one 5 time we were within a 1 mile radius. |
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momto4kiddos
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Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Oct 19, 2016 13:12:08 GMT
((HUGS)) I'd be sad too if my kids were far away. One of mine has lived 7 hours away part of the last 2 years. It seemed far worse before it happened, but we're close and he kept in touch whether it be a quick text or snapchat. He was happy so it's hard to be sad when they are so happy.
Plus things change...they both may be back in the area before long, you just never know. The lake house is a great idea...somewhere to want to come back to visit.
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Post by mrssmith on Oct 19, 2016 13:22:40 GMT
From a child's perspective, I also found it hard to be away from family, but where I moved was the right thing for me at the time. Now, I am back nearby (also Chicago!) after about 4-5 years of living much further (NYC, Europe, OH). I guess my point is that life continues to change and for us, it was having our own children that made us want to move back closer to family. And yes, it does provide additional travel opportunities!
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anniebygaslight
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Jun 28, 2014 14:08:19 GMT
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Post by anniebygaslight on Oct 19, 2016 13:28:26 GMT
You have given them wings. Now let them fly.
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Post by beachbum on Oct 19, 2016 13:32:14 GMT
It's not fun. Dh and I are in SW Florida. DD1 and her family (including our adorable grands) are in OR, DD2 and her DH are just outside Washington DC, and our DS is finishing his PhD in TN, goodness knows where he'll be after that. I am proud that they are strong, independent adults, but a tiny part of me wishes they lived down the street. I am thankful for Skype - my granddaughter was asked what she wanted for breakfast one morning not long ago - the answer was "Skype with Gran"!! Gotta love that for an answer!!
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Post by Linda on Oct 19, 2016 13:35:57 GMT
(((Hugs))) It IS hard when they move far away and you don't get to see them often. My oldest went from living at home to boot camp to Okinawa - he's been in the Navy 11months now - we had him home on leave in March/April for about 3 wks before he went overseas but he'll be there 3 years and his only planned time back home is a week or two for his sister's graduation in May 2018. It's especially hard on his youngest sister.
But growing up and doing what's right for them is what we raised them to do. I don't anticipate any of mine living near us when they are grown -we'll just have to travel and visit them. (and fwiw, I did breastfeed 2/3 of mine until almost 5)
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flute4peace
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Jul 3, 2014 14:38:35 GMT
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Post by flute4peace on Oct 19, 2016 13:38:52 GMT
Please make sure that you mask these feelings around your children. It's very sad to see that you can't let go of your children and that you're disappointed that they are living their lives instead of the one that you have planned for them. If you share this negativity with them, I guarantee that will push them away more instead of making them stay close. Few people do guilt trips well. My brother, sister, and I are in 3 separate locations. We are still close. My parents saw grandchildren probably about 4 times a year. You deal. It's not a big deal. Yes, we miss each other but you plan trips and the marvels of technology make staying in touch super easy. I guess what I am saying is that I read your post with horror. I assume you're just venting, but just be careful to not let that resentment out and push them away where you don't see them at all. Distance may not be ideal but enmeshment is much worse. Horror? ?? She's a loving mother, lamenting the fact that her sons are moving away. Why shouldn't she be sad?? Every Sunday in church when I see grandparents interacting with their grandchildren (and there are several), I feel a little twinge of sadness that I likely won't experience that with my son. I'm not going to do anything to sabotage his relationship or life ambitions of course, but hell yes it makes me sad. Why wouldn't it? And how is that horrifying? |
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Post by Darcy Collins on Oct 19, 2016 13:42:52 GMT
The good news is Chicago to Denver and Chicago to San Francisco (or anywhere in the Bay Area) is an easy direct, cheap flight away. Plus both places are fun to visit. I know it's hard being away from family, my Mom and I are incredibly close, but 1000+ miles away. Luckily technology makes it much, much easier to keep in touch. Hugs!
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pridemom
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Post by pridemom on Oct 19, 2016 13:57:57 GMT
I am threatening to buy a little RV and spend three months of the year parked in the driveways of my four children after I retire. I won't, but I am already realizing how much I miss seeing the one who has moved out, even though I was ready to wring her neck her senior year of high school.
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Post by auntkelly on Oct 19, 2016 14:00:57 GMT
Please make sure that you mask these feelings around your children. It's very sad to see that you can't let go of your children and that you're disappointed that they are living their lives instead of the one that you have planned for them. If you share this negativity with them, I guarantee that will push them away more instead of making them stay close. Few people do guilt trips well. My brother, sister, and I are in 3 separate locations. We are still close. My parents saw grandchildren probably about 4 times a year. You deal. It's not a big deal. Yes, we miss each other but you plan trips and the marvels of technology make staying in touch super easy. I guess what I am saying is that I read your post with horror. I assume you're just venting, but just be careful to not let that resentment out and push them away where you don't see them at all. Distance may not be ideal but enmeshment is much worse. Horror? lol No just venting and sad. My kids know how much I love them and their company. I don't get why anyone would read the op's post w/ horror. I think she she would have a heart of stone if she raised three kids and didn't feel really sad when two of them announced they were moving far away. I'm sure she is proud she has raised independent, confident adults who aren't afraid to pick up stakes and move across the country, but it's only normal that she is sad to realize she won't be seeing them as often as she would if they lived a few miles away. |
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