freebird
Drama Llama
'cause I'm free as a bird now
Posts: 6,927
Jun 25, 2014 20:06:48 GMT
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Post by freebird on Oct 19, 2016 14:09:23 GMT
I have a 26 and 22 year old too. I'm feeling a bit the same way with the youngest. He just bought a new car and I helped him find a good deal. he basically asked his g/f's permission to buy it! Inside I was "WTF!!!!" (they don't live together or anything) but I kept it all to myself. NOT MY BUSINESS!
Look at it this way, if your kids move away, you have great places you can go on vacation now and have a place to stay!
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scorpeao
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,521
Location: NorCal USA
Jun 25, 2014 21:04:54 GMT
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Post by scorpeao on Oct 19, 2016 14:15:17 GMT
Look at it as new places to visit. You did a good job...you raised children confident enough to branch out on their own.
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Post by gar on Oct 19, 2016 14:25:00 GMT
I think the 'horror' comment is coming from the possibility of saying these things to the off-spring and the repercussions of that.
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Post by anxiousmom on Oct 19, 2016 14:31:53 GMT
I think the 'horror' comment is coming from the possibility of saying these things to the off-spring and the repercussions of that. I think this one also has a lot to do with family dynamics too. I am a fairly free rangy type parent and tease my children all the time that they can't leave, or that I am moving with them, or I remind my youngest that he used to tell me with all the earnestness that a five year old can muster that he was going to live with me forever...all kinds of silliness. They do not take me seriously at all, and it is a big old joke and they know it. Horror would never ever be a part of it. I could quote the OP and my kids wouldn't push me away, or think that I am being too clingy or overbearing, they would know that I wasn't serious or trying to control their lives. More like I would get an eye roll and 'moooooommmm' and a 'be careful what you wish for woman.'
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grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Oct 19, 2016 14:40:17 GMT
Please make sure that you mask these feelings around your children. It's very sad to see that you can't let go of your children and that you're disappointed that they are living their lives instead of the one that you have planned for them. If you share this negativity with them, I guarantee that will push them away more instead of making them stay close. Few people do guilt trips well. My brother, sister, and I are in 3 separate locations. We are still close. My parents saw grandchildren probably about 4 times a year. You deal. It's not a big deal. Yes, we miss each other but you plan trips and the marvels of technology make staying in touch super easy. I guess what I am saying is that I read your post with horror. I assume you're just venting, but just be careful to not let that resentment out and push them away where you don't see them at all. Distance may not be ideal but enmeshment is much worse. Horror? ?? She's a loving mother, lamenting the fact that her sons are moving away. Why shouldn't she be sad?? Every Sunday in church when I see grandparents interacting with their grandchildren (and there are several), I feel a little twinge of sadness that I likely won't experience that with my son. I'm not going to do anything to sabotage his relationship or life ambitions of course, but hell yes it makes me sad. Why wouldn't it? And how is that horrifying? Yes. I read it with horror. Hearing that kind of stuff horrifies me. It's not right. Parents are supposed to support their kids in their lives, not hold them back because they feel the sadz. As for sabotage, no idea if that's what she wants to do, but it seems like she wants to keep them pretty damn enmeshed for her own benefit, instead of letting them go for their own. Sorry (not sorry), I cringe when I read stuff like this.
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grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Oct 19, 2016 14:42:58 GMT
Please make sure that you mask these feelings around your children. It's very sad to see that you can't let go of your children and that you're disappointed that they are living their lives instead of the one that you have planned for them. If you share this negativity with them, I guarantee that will push them away more instead of making them stay close. Few people do guilt trips well. My brother, sister, and I are in 3 separate locations. We are still close. My parents saw grandchildren probably about 4 times a year. You deal. It's not a big deal. Yes, we miss each other but you plan trips and the marvels of technology make staying in touch super easy. I guess what I am saying is that I read your post with horror. I assume you're just venting, but just be careful to not let that resentment out and push them away where you don't see them at all. Distance may not be ideal but enmeshment is much worse. Horror? lol No just venting and sad. My kids know how much I love them and their company. Yes, horror. What you wrote just freaks me out as I don't understand that level of enmeshment. We were encouraged to chase our dreams rather than remain because it made our parents sad for us to not be around. Venting here is cool... just don't let that drip into any conversation with any of them.
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grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Oct 19, 2016 14:46:11 GMT
Horror? lol No just venting and sad. My kids know how much I love them and their company. I don't get why anyone would read the op's post w/ horror. I think she she would have a heart of stone if she raised three kids and didn't feel really sad when two of them announced they were moving far away. I'm sure she is proud she has raised independent, confident adults who aren't afraid to pick up stakes and move across the country, but it's only normal that she is sad to realize she won't be seeing them as often as she would if they lived a few miles away. It read as beyond sad to me and actual desire for enmeshment... or velcro like @anxiousmama mentioned. That kind of family horrifies me. I like my space. Do I miss my family that is far away? Yes, of course. But I also value and treasure my space and the life I've made far away from family. I would not react well to a guilt trip from my mother for moving away just because she's sad. I read between the lines hearing that there may be guilt placed on the kids for doing what they want versus what she wants. I may be wrong. I hope I am.
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Post by FLA SummerBaby on Oct 19, 2016 14:47:10 GMT
Hugs momma! It is such a delicate balance between the pride we feel for raising confident, independent children to be wonderful adults as they soar off vs. missing the wonderful people they have become and wanting to enjoy that as they move into their adult stage. My DD is a junior in college but I know that when she graduates and moves away, I will struggle big time because I will miss hanging out and "seeing her". Hang in there.
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Post by secondlife on Oct 19, 2016 14:50:10 GMT
Horror? ?? She's a loving mother, lamenting the fact that her sons are moving away. Why shouldn't she be sad?? Every Sunday in church when I see grandparents interacting with their grandchildren (and there are several), I feel a little twinge of sadness that I likely won't experience that with my son. I'm not going to do anything to sabotage his relationship or life ambitions of course, but hell yes it makes me sad. Why wouldn't it? And how is that horrifying? Yes. I read it with horror. Hearing that kind of stuff horrifies me. It's not right. Parents are supposed to support their kids in their lives, not hold them back because they feel the sadz. As for sabotage, no idea if that's what she wants to do, but it seems like she wants to keep them pretty damn enmeshed for her own benefit, instead of letting them go for their own. Sorry (not sorry), I cringe when I read stuff like this. I don't hear the "holding them back" part here. I'm not reading, I told them I didn't want them to go, or I won't support them if they leave, or anything like that. Just emotion around the reality that they are leaving. I moved 3000 miles from my family and they were sad. That didn't limit me - I went anyway.
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Post by krazykatlady on Oct 19, 2016 14:51:40 GMT
I totally get where you're coming from. Both of my sons went to college four hours away and ended up settling down there. They've both met and married local girls. I am immensely proud of them and everything they've accomplished but I'd be lying if I didn't admit how sad it makes me that they don't live close by. I'd give anything to be able to call them and say "hey, y'all wanna come over for dinner?"
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flute4peace
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,757
Jul 3, 2014 14:38:35 GMT
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Post by flute4peace on Oct 19, 2016 14:52:52 GMT
Horror? ?? She's a loving mother, lamenting the fact that her sons are moving away. Why shouldn't she be sad?? Every Sunday in church when I see grandparents interacting with their grandchildren (and there are several), I feel a little twinge of sadness that I likely won't experience that with my son. I'm not going to do anything to sabotage his relationship or life ambitions of course, but hell yes it makes me sad. Why wouldn't it? And how is that horrifying? Yes. I read it with horror. Hearing that kind of stuff horrifies me. It's not right. Parents are supposed to support their kids in their lives, not hold them back because they feel the sadz. As for sabotage, no idea if that's what she wants to do, but it seems like she wants to keep them pretty damn enmeshed for her own benefit, instead of letting them go for their own. Sorry (not sorry), I cringe when I read stuff like this. Never once in her post did I ever perceive that she was not supporting them, nor holding them back, nor wanting them to be "enmeshed".
What I did perceive was a normal, close, loving family that is entering a new season. As someone else said, only someone with a heart of stone would NOT be sad about their kids moving away. You do know it's possible to be sad for your Mommy heart, while also being excited for your kid and his plan for his life, right?
I miss the hell out of my kid and his GF, but I also know that they're where they need to be and are flourishing. If being sad that I don't get to see him often makes me enmeshed, then by gosh I own the title.
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grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Oct 19, 2016 14:54:13 GMT
I think the 'horror' comment is coming from the possibility of saying these things to the off-spring and the repercussions of that. I think this one also has a lot to do with family dynamics too. I am a fairly free rangy type parent and tease my children all the time that they can't leave, or that I am moving with them, or I remind my youngest that he used to tell me with all the earnestness that a five year old can muster that he was going to live with me forever...all kinds of silliness. They do not take me seriously at all, and it is a big old joke and they know it. Horror would never ever be a part of it. I could quote the OP and my kids wouldn't push me away, or think that I am being too clingy or overbearing, they would know that I wasn't serious or trying to control their lives. More like I would get an eye roll and 'moooooommmm' and a 'be careful what you wish for woman.' Very true. With my mother, she could say that and I know she's joking. My MIL would be 100% serious. She does not grasp the concept of space, personal space, or even that people have their own lives. She had a full on meltdown because we were flying to my hometown last year to see my family at Christmas and that we weren't going to be at her house with the family because she'd never had to deal with not being with family. Considering my father had died (granted my GMIL had died as well), and I never see my family for holidays and she gets to see hers every fucking holiday, I had zero sympathy or tolerance for her desire for complete enmeshment. Hell, her daughter moved 5 hours away because her husband got an excellent job opportunity and she had another epic meltdown because her grandchildren "were another province away" and she'd never see them. I was amused that about 6 months later she was bitching at me when I was up there because her daughter had dumped the kids on them for the third weekend in a row. So really, she's never happy. So it's definitely dynamics that play a role. My mom wants us to be happy on our own turf and our own terms. If we're doing something that makes our lives better, she's proud of us. His mom just wants to make everyone be close and all that jazz so she can pretend happy family, yet doesn't actually follow through (DH is definitely the scapegoat). Any kind of enmeshment or that sort of thing that makes other people's desires and needs more important than mine freaks me out. Horrifies me, even. I guess I read the OP from the POV of the sons.
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grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Oct 19, 2016 14:57:26 GMT
Yes. I read it with horror. Hearing that kind of stuff horrifies me. It's not right. Parents are supposed to support their kids in their lives, not hold them back because they feel the sadz. As for sabotage, no idea if that's what she wants to do, but it seems like she wants to keep them pretty damn enmeshed for her own benefit, instead of letting them go for their own. Sorry (not sorry), I cringe when I read stuff like this. I don't hear the "holding them back" part here. I'm not reading, I told them I didn't want them to go, or I won't support them if they leave, or anything like that. Just emotion around the reality that they are leaving. I moved 3000 miles from my family and they were sad. That didn't limit me - I went anyway. It just dawned on me that I read it from the sons POV. If I heard my mother saying that kind of stuff or if it was said to me as a huge guilt trip, I would not be amused and I would distance myself even more. My mother may be sad that she can't see me every day but she has never said anything close to a guilt trip (like I felt I read in the OP). My MIL has tried it and I backed off because the enmeshment into that dysfunction doesn't interest me. And the further my DH gets away from it, the less it interests him. That was my POV, I read that as a possible desire to hold them back for selfish gain. I do not respond well to that.
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flute4peace
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,757
Jul 3, 2014 14:38:35 GMT
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Post by flute4peace on Oct 19, 2016 15:00:16 GMT
I don't get why anyone would read the op's post w/ horror. I think she she would have a heart of stone if she raised three kids and didn't feel really sad when two of them announced they were moving far away. I'm sure she is proud she has raised independent, confident adults who aren't afraid to pick up stakes and move across the country, but it's only normal that she is sad to realize she won't be seeing them as often as she would if they lived a few miles away. It read as beyond sad to me and actual desire for enmeshment... or velcro like @anxiousmama mentioned. That kind of family horrifies me. I like my space. Do I miss my family that is far away? Yes, of course. But I also value and treasure my space and the life I've made far away from family. I would not react well to a guilt trip from my mother for moving away just because she's sad. I read between the lines hearing that there may be guilt placed on the kids for doing what they want versus what she wants. I may be wrong. I hope I am. The O/P herself clarified to you that you were reading it wrong, yet you continued to argue your point. This is actually pretty hurtful for all the rest of us who are feeling like she does. I truly hope that you never experience "horror" beyond what has been described here.
If this were a movie, it would be a chick flick, not a horror movie.
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flute4peace
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,757
Jul 3, 2014 14:38:35 GMT
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Post by flute4peace on Oct 19, 2016 15:03:49 GMT
I think this one also has a lot to do with family dynamics too. I am a fairly free rangy type parent and tease my children all the time that they can't leave, or that I am moving with them, or I remind my youngest that he used to tell me with all the earnestness that a five year old can muster that he was going to live with me forever...all kinds of silliness. They do not take me seriously at all, and it is a big old joke and they know it. Horror would never ever be a part of it. I could quote the OP and my kids wouldn't push me away, or think that I am being too clingy or overbearing, they would know that I wasn't serious or trying to control their lives. More like I would get an eye roll and 'moooooommmm' and a 'be careful what you wish for woman.' Very true. With my mother, she could say that and I know she's joking. My MIL would be 100% serious. She does not grasp the concept of space, personal space, or even that people have their own lives. She had a full on meltdown because we were flying to my hometown last year to see my family at Christmas and that we weren't going to be at her house with the family because she'd never had to deal with not being with family. Considering my father had died (granted my GMIL had died as well), and I never see my family for holidays and she gets to see hers every fucking holiday, I had zero sympathy or tolerance for her desire for complete enmeshment. Hell, her daughter moved 5 hours away because her husband got an excellent job opportunity and she had another epic meltdown because her grandchildren "were another province away" and she'd never see them. I was amused that about 6 months later she was bitching at me when I was up there because her daughter had dumped the kids on them for the third weekend in a row. So really, she's never happy. So it's definitely dynamics that play a role. My mom wants us to be happy on our own turf and our own terms. If we're doing something that makes our lives better, she's proud of us. His mom just wants to make everyone be close and all that jazz so she can pretend happy family, yet doesn't actually follow through (DH is definitely the scapegoat). Any kind of enmeshment or that sort of thing that makes other people's desires and needs more important than mine freaks me out. Horrifies me, even. I guess I read the OP from the POV of the sons.No, you read it from the POV of your experiences with your MIL (which, while over-bearing and certainly frustrating, still doesn't match the definition of enmeshment that I just looked up).
Ask your Mom if she was ever sad when you & your siblings moved away. I bet you'll be surprised.
I do appreciate you sharing your context, though. It helps me understand why you reacted the way you did.
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grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Oct 19, 2016 15:04:57 GMT
It read as beyond sad to me and actual desire for enmeshment... or velcro like @anxiousmama mentioned. That kind of family horrifies me. I like my space. Do I miss my family that is far away? Yes, of course. But I also value and treasure my space and the life I've made far away from family. I would not react well to a guilt trip from my mother for moving away just because she's sad. I read between the lines hearing that there may be guilt placed on the kids for doing what they want versus what she wants. I may be wrong. I hope I am. The O/P herself clarified to you that you were reading it wrong, yet you continued to argue your point. This is actually pretty hurtful for all the rest of us who are feeling like she does. I truly hope that you never experience "horror" beyond what has been described here.
If this were a movie, it would be a chick flick, not a horror movie.
Thanks. You have no idea of my life, nor the horror that I've dealt with... particularly in the past 4 months. That horror that you seem to think I know nothing about has shown me that I have to live my life for me... no one else. Not my mother, not my family, not my friends, not this fucking board... but for ME and only me. Well, my husband as well, but we are on the same page. I don't take guilt trips well and I don't take hand slaps well. Anything else? My give a fuck is broken (has been for months), so I don't even know why I bothered to respond since I really don't care that you don't like my opinion.
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Post by bc2ca on Oct 19, 2016 15:08:08 GMT
{{{hugs}}} This is the age for your kids to go somewhere new, try something different.
The sister that moved the furthest from my parents (1500+ miles) for 10 years is the one that moved back to our hometown and ended up living a mile from them. You just never know what the future will bring. A friend with 4 young adult kids spread across the country posts screen shots of their birthday celebrations via video conferencing. The times that they are all in the same place at the same time are few, but super special.
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grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Oct 19, 2016 15:09:24 GMT
Very true. With my mother, she could say that and I know she's joking. My MIL would be 100% serious. She does not grasp the concept of space, personal space, or even that people have their own lives. She had a full on meltdown because we were flying to my hometown last year to see my family at Christmas and that we weren't going to be at her house with the family because she'd never had to deal with not being with family. Considering my father had died (granted my GMIL had died as well), and I never see my family for holidays and she gets to see hers every fucking holiday, I had zero sympathy or tolerance for her desire for complete enmeshment. Hell, her daughter moved 5 hours away because her husband got an excellent job opportunity and she had another epic meltdown because her grandchildren "were another province away" and she'd never see them. I was amused that about 6 months later she was bitching at me when I was up there because her daughter had dumped the kids on them for the third weekend in a row. So really, she's never happy. So it's definitely dynamics that play a role. My mom wants us to be happy on our own turf and our own terms. If we're doing something that makes our lives better, she's proud of us. His mom just wants to make everyone be close and all that jazz so she can pretend happy family, yet doesn't actually follow through (DH is definitely the scapegoat). Any kind of enmeshment or that sort of thing that makes other people's desires and needs more important than mine freaks me out. Horrifies me, even. I guess I read the OP from the POV of the sons.No, you read it from the POV of your experiences with your MIL.
Ask your Mom if she was ever sad when you & your siblings moved away. I bet you'll be surprised.
I do appreciate you sharing your context, though. It helps me understand why you reacted the way you did.
No idea why I'm responding but here we go. I am not responding from the POV of dealing with my MIL. I felt this way long before I met my DH or dealt with his mother. I moved across the country 15 years ago away from my family, so I've dealt with this exact scenario. My mother absolutely said that she was sad that I wasn't around the corner, but also always said that she was proud that I made my own life and didn't compromise for other people... just because they were sad or disagreed. My mom and I have a much better relationship now than we ever did and we take advantage of any opportunity to be together. But never once has she ever said any of the feelings said in the OP. As the child, if I got a whiff of any of that I would be mad and likely distance myself emotionally because I don't do guilt trips and manipulations. As the child, hearing any of that I would question why my mom's feelings were more important than my own.
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Post by anxiousmom on Oct 19, 2016 15:10:01 GMT
It read as beyond sad to me and actual desire for enmeshment... or velcro like @anxiousmama mentioned. That kind of family horrifies me. I like my space. Do I miss my family that is far away? Yes, of course. But I also value and treasure my space and the life I've made far away from family. I would not react well to a guilt trip from my mother for moving away just because she's sad. I read between the lines hearing that there may be guilt placed on the kids for doing what they want versus what she wants. I may be wrong. I hope I am. I can only speak for me and my family, but the velcro thing isn't a guilt thing at all. In fact, while we live close, we do it by choice and we all have our own, very enriching lives outside of the family unit as well as an incredible support network that surrounds us. It is an enmeshment, but not in a negative way...in fact, I would go so far as to say that because of that safety net of a really close family (both emotionally and physically, we are all far more likely to stretch our own personal boundaries because we know that there is family nearby to catch us if we fall and to encourage us to get back up and try again. We all do have our own lives that we have carved out for ourselves, no different than families that live further apart. We have boundaries and those boundaries are respected. I have a really nice outside of my mother, but my life is that much more enriched because we can pick up the phone and say 'hey, let's have dinner tonight' and I can physically touch base with her or text my cousin and nephew to come over and watch a football game or my brother can drop his boys off for babysitting. Velcro family can be bad, for sure. If it is inhibiting the way a person lives, but it can also be a positive.
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Post by workingclassdog on Oct 19, 2016 15:11:45 GMT
Be thankful you don't have 3 kids living at home in your basement!! LOL I moved away when I was 20 across country. My parents always supported me in my travels/where I was living. I am SO thankful for that. My DH mother is another story... my husband who is 50 YEARS OLD is getting ready to start a new career (truck driver) and she calls and gives him the guilt trip every other day. It is SO ridiculous. She says he is abandoning his family. NICE. No, he is trying to provide for his family. Our 2 older kids (21 and 20) are independent...and I wouldn't want it any other way. One left 3 years ago for the Air Force. Was it hard? Kinda. But I was so proud of him and even moreso now. He's lived in another country for six months and now living in another state. He has his own apartment, new car, putting money into savings. Do we get to see him much. No. In fact, it's been a little over a year. I talked to him and see when he can come home but I also say I understand if he would rather take his vacations to other places to see the world. I'll take him when I can. DD is in college... she is still home but never here... I am sure one of these days she is going to move away...maybe not? If so, that is life.. Just be thankful they are living their lives!!! Hugs to you!!
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flute4peace
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,757
Jul 3, 2014 14:38:35 GMT
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Post by flute4peace on Oct 19, 2016 15:14:26 GMT
The O/P herself clarified to you that you were reading it wrong, yet you continued to argue your point. This is actually pretty hurtful for all the rest of us who are feeling like she does. I truly hope that you never experience "horror" beyond what has been described here.
If this were a movie, it would be a chick flick, not a horror movie.
Thanks. You have no idea of my life, nor the horror that I've dealt with... particularly in the past 4 months. That horror that you seem to think I know nothing about has shown me that I have to live my life for me... no one else. Not my mother, not my family, not my friends, not this fucking board... but for ME and only me. Well, my husband as well, but we are on the same page. I don't take guilt trips well and I don't take hand slaps well. Anything else? My give a fuck is broken (has been for months), so I don't even know why I bothered to respond since I really don't care that you don't like my opinion. I truly hope that things will start looking better for you soon. I mean that sincerely. The reason I got so defensive of the O/P is that I'm compassionate and I could relate to her feelings, since I'm in the same place in life with my son. I also certainly understand when life throws curveballs with razorblade edges, I've been there as well over the past couple of years. I'm compassionate for your situation, as well. Just from what you've said in your last couple of posts, I can see that the subject hit a nerve, and I understand that. I'm glad you have the support of your husband, that's definitely a positive. I wish you well in being able to move on and heal.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 10, 2024 0:51:46 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 19, 2016 15:30:14 GMT
Please make sure that you mask these feelings around your children. It's very sad to see that you can't let go of your children and that you're disappointed that they are living their lives instead of the one that you have planned for them. If you share this negativity with them, I guarantee that will push them away more instead of making them stay close. Few people do guilt trips well. My brother, sister, and I are in 3 separate locations. We are still close. My parents saw grandchildren probably about 4 times a year. You deal. It's not a big deal. Yes, we miss each other but you plan trips and the marvels of technology make staying in touch super easy. I guess what I am saying is that I read your post with horror. I assume you're just venting, but just be careful to not let that resentment out and push them away where you don't see them at all. Distance may not be ideal but enmeshment is much worse. Horror? lol No just venting and sad. My kids know how much I love them and their company. Yeah that was kinda my reaction to reading horror! It really is okay as a mom to feel sad...and after all you were just venting...not particularly asking for advice.
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Post by secondlife on Oct 19, 2016 16:06:11 GMT
No, you read it from the POV of your experiences with your MIL.
Ask your Mom if she was ever sad when you & your siblings moved away. I bet you'll be surprised.
I do appreciate you sharing your context, though. It helps me understand why you reacted the way you did.
No idea why I'm responding but here we go. I am not responding from the POV of dealing with my MIL. I felt this way long before I met my DH or dealt with his mother. I moved across the country 15 years ago away from my family, so I've dealt with this exact scenario. My mother absolutely said that she was sad that I wasn't around the corner, but also always said that she was proud that I made my own life and didn't compromise for other people... just because they were sad or disagreed. My mom and I have a much better relationship now than we ever did and we take advantage of any opportunity to be together. But never once has she ever said any of the feelings said in the OP. As the child, if I got a whiff of any of that I would be mad and likely distance myself emotionally because I don't do guilt trips and manipulations. As the child, hearing any of that I would question why my mom's feelings were more important than my own. This is why as a parent you have one conversation with your kids and the other conversation with other people. You don't SAY you're gutted that your kids are moving away. You SAY, I will miss you and I hope it's amazing. Then you go where your kids aren't and you cry about your real feelings. Talking about it on a message board is not burdening your kids with your own emotions. The OP's children are presumably not part of this discussion. That is why it is perfectly fine to have this conversation. Its like when your kids irritate the shit out of you with their endless performing of song and dance. You SAY, good job but then you go to your mom friends and you tell them that the incessant singing and dancing is about to be the death of you. You don't say that to your kid, you say that to your friend.
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Post by 950nancy on Oct 19, 2016 16:34:24 GMT
My sons are the best of friends and always came home from college on the weekends to see each other. The other day. my youngest mentioned that he could work at business by our house after he graduated from college. I laughed and said that it was too close, but on the inside I was cheering a little. I don't have family around (and haven't for almost 30 years), so it would be nice if my boys lived close, but I know in reality they will do their own thing. I know that my moving 600 miles away almost killed my mom, but she never said one word.
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Post by wallyagain on Oct 19, 2016 17:34:48 GMT
I think we all have different family experience that makes us look at these life events differently. My grandparents lived two provinces away, they moved when I was a baby. Our family moved several times, my sister and brother were both military so usually living a long way away. DH and I lived 5 hours from both families when we first got married. Then we moved closer, within 30 miles. It took my family some time to back off, we have a life. That and the fact the road only went one direction, us on the road. Then when our boys were both moved out, we moved 9 hours from them. I do miss them, but that's life.
All of this to say that how we read the OPs email and our reaction may be different based on what we are used to in our lives. Heck, even when we lived close to the boys we only saw them every few months, we were all busy.
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julieb
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,845
Jul 3, 2014 16:02:54 GMT
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Post by julieb on Oct 19, 2016 19:23:55 GMT
I don't get why anyone would read the op's post w/ horror. I think she she would have a heart of stone if she raised three kids and didn't feel really sad when two of them announced they were moving far away. I'm sure she is proud she has raised independent, confident adults who aren't afraid to pick up stakes and move across the country, but it's only normal that she is sad to realize she won't be seeing them as often as she would if they lived a few miles away. It read as beyond sad to me and actual desire for enmeshment... or velcro like @anxiousmama mentioned. That kind of family horrifies me. I like my space. Do I miss my family that is far away? Yes, of course. But I also value and treasure my space and the life I've made far away from family. I would not react well to a guilt trip from my mother for moving away just because she's sad. I read between the lines hearing that there may be guilt placed on the kids for doing what they want versus what she wants. I may be wrong. I hope I am. Yes, you are wrong. Not that I need to explain myself. I would never tell my children what they can or can't do. We raised three kids, who all went away to college and are very independent, except when they need help moving or painting. My two oldest moved out of the house within a year of graduating, with my blessing. I'm here for my kids, but I have a very full life doing things that don't involve my kids. My dd got married two weeks ago and 5 days later dh and I went to Italy. My life doesn't resolve around my kids, but I am entitled to have a vision in my head of what I thought our lives would be like in the future. That probably isn't going to happen, but I would say that the one of the things my kids would applaud me for is staying out of their business. I appreciate the peas here who understand what I'm going through and don't read between the lines on something that isn't there. P.S. I learned a new word today .... enmeshment.
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flute4peace
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,757
Jul 3, 2014 14:38:35 GMT
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Post by flute4peace on Oct 19, 2016 19:29:23 GMT
It read as beyond sad to me and actual desire for enmeshment... or velcro like @anxiousmama mentioned. That kind of family horrifies me. I like my space. Do I miss my family that is far away? Yes, of course. But I also value and treasure my space and the life I've made far away from family. I would not react well to a guilt trip from my mother for moving away just because she's sad. I read between the lines hearing that there may be guilt placed on the kids for doing what they want versus what she wants. I may be wrong. I hope I am. Yes, you are wrong. Not that I need to explain myself. I would never tell my children what they can or can't do. We raised three kids, who all went away to college and are very independent, except when they need help moving or painting. My two oldest moved out of the house within a year of graduating, with my blessing. I'm here for my kids, but I have a very full life doing things that don't involve my kids. My dd got married two weeks ago and 5 days later dh and I went to Italy. My life doesn't resolve around my kids, but I am entitled to have a vision in my head of what I thought our lives would be like in the future. That probably isn't going to happen, but I would say that the one of the things my kids would applaud me for is staying out of their business. I appreciate the peas here who understand what I'm going through and don't read between the lines on something that isn't there. P.S. I learned a new word today .... enmeshment. When I start to get soft-eyed about missing K & L, I remind myself that it's because they are SUCH wonderful personalities that I can't help but miss having them around. They're both so incredibly talented, strong in their Faith, eager to share their lives and gifts with others. My pride glows through my tears, and I'm sure yours does as well.
(I had never really heard the term enmeshment before either - I had to look it up).
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julieb
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,845
Jul 3, 2014 16:02:54 GMT
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Post by julieb on Oct 19, 2016 19:29:52 GMT
No idea why I'm responding but here we go. I am not responding from the POV of dealing with my MIL. I felt this way long before I met my DH or dealt with his mother. I moved across the country 15 years ago away from my family, so I've dealt with this exact scenario. My mother absolutely said that she was sad that I wasn't around the corner, but also always said that she was proud that I made my own life and didn't compromise for other people... just because they were sad or disagreed. My mom and I have a much better relationship now than we ever did and we take advantage of any opportunity to be together. But never once has she ever said any of the feelings said in the OP. As the child, if I got a whiff of any of that I would be mad and likely distance myself emotionally because I don't do guilt trips and manipulations. As the child, hearing any of that I would question why my mom's feelings were more important than my own. This is why as a parent you have one conversation with your kids and the other conversation with other people. You don't SAY you're gutted that your kids are moving away. You SAY, I will miss you and I hope it's amazing. Then you go where your kids aren't and you cry about your real feelings. Talking about it on a message board is not burdening your kids with your own emotions. The OP's children are presumably not part of this discussion. That is why it is perfectly fine to have this conversation. Its like when your kids irritate the shit out of you with their endless performing of song and dance. You SAY, good job but then you go to your mom friends and you tell them that the incessant singing and dancing is about to be the death of you. You don't say that to your kid, you say that to your friend. Ha. So true. I've watched so many plays in my basement, but they were all glorious. When ds said he was going to move I immediately started crying and left the table and went to my room. I had a good cry and came down. My dh was having a good talk with him so I just listened. This morning my ds left for work, gave me a kiss on the head and said he loved me. I know he doesn't want to see me hurting and I'm trying to not let him see that.
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julieb
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,845
Jul 3, 2014 16:02:54 GMT
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Post by julieb on Oct 19, 2016 19:41:07 GMT
Don't blame the girlfriend, even a little bit. Your children are adults, heck you had them close for a long time which is great but now they're doing what you taught them presumably - to be strong independent adults building great lives for themselves. Why do you feel they'll never be together with you again? To live, no probably not but that's not healthy, but why wouldn't there be vacations and occasions when you can all get together? Right now we have wonderful times going together to plays and/or dinner in the city. It's so nice to have all adult children who like each other and I thoroughly enjoys those moments...sometimes more than the Disney moments. lol I think getting 6 adults (my three kids, sil and sons' gfs) together will be much more difficult when they are in different cities. We will make it work. Again, not the vision I had in my head when we are finally together after 8 years of college, etc and being apart.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 10, 2024 0:51:46 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 19, 2016 19:41:58 GMT
This has been a most interesting thread. On first read, I just wanted to hug the OP as my kids are adults and even though we all live in N Texas, we live an hour's drive from each other & the kids are married & have their own lives. DH and I miss the days when we would all 4 spend the entire weekend at the lake, skiing and riding the tube & just being together. I totally get it. My son stayed close after high school and now works for DH's company so they are very close. My DD went off to college and I was so sad, thinking that she was gone from my life forever.... But she came right back home and we enjoy time together. I would be sad if either had moved a long way away. As would my DH.
So, OP, I'm sending you hugs. I hope with skype and snapchat and facetime you will still feel close to your boys. It's a new phase of life and you will eventually adjust.
After reading many responses, I think the OP knows it's ok to vent here and that she will find sympathy. I doubt she would shame her kids for reaching for their own stars. I didn't read her post with horror.
Grinningcat, are you ok? I don't usually read a post from you that is a little harsh on the OP. Or maybe I only read a select few posts from you. I have little time to read all the board these days so maybe I missed something. I hope you are doing ok.
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