Deleted
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Oct 8, 2024 22:28:49 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 11, 2014 3:58:28 GMT
Among my social circles,typically the bride is given one big shower by her friends and family. The friends will often also throw a lingerie shower at a later date.
If you're invited to the shower it means you're invited to the wedding. Lately we've been invited to a number of showers but not the wedding. Is this normal in your circles?
If it makes a difference with your answer, the weddings are in the same community as the shower, no destination weddings. And the reason some of them have given, if it gets brought up, is that they can't afford to feed more people but still wanted to have these people at their showers.
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Post by freecharlie on Aug 11, 2014 4:14:28 GMT
Not normal in my circles and considered incredibly rude and gift grabby. I would not be attending the lingerie shower later and I might send the bride and etiquette book.
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Post by lesleyanne on Aug 11, 2014 4:27:31 GMT
Not normal, and not cool. Very much a gift-grab.
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Post by theboydbunch on Aug 11, 2014 4:39:19 GMT
Not normal in my circles.
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smginaz Suzy
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Jun 26, 2014 17:27:30 GMT
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Post by smginaz Suzy on Aug 11, 2014 4:44:30 GMT
"Hey, I really can't afford to invite you to my wedding, but I know you would love to bring me a gift anyway!"
Either dial down the wedding so that you can invite the people you cherish or ramp up the wedding and stop expecting currency from the ones not invited. Geez.
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Deleted
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Oct 8, 2024 22:28:49 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 11, 2014 4:46:53 GMT
Oh thank goodness I'm not the only one that feels that way. I'm of the mindset that if you don't want me at your wedding than don't expect me to come to your shower.
My DH's cousin was getting married and we got the invite for the shower but we had no invite for the wedding. DH's aunt was mortified that her son wasn't on top of things and told him that people would not attend the shower if they didn't think they were invited to the wedding. Invites were out before the shower but she made sure we knew we were invited to the wedding.
The last one is very much a gift grab. She couldn't afford to invite everyone to the wedding but still invited everyone to the shower. Grrr
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tiffanytwisted
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Post by tiffanytwisted on Aug 11, 2014 4:52:30 GMT
Talk about etiquette going out the window! Not only is it rude to do it, but they admit it?! At least make up a good lie instead of 'I don't like you enough to spend money on you, but I still think you should want to spend it on me.' Sheesh!
The sucky thing is, by the time you realize you aren't invited to the wedding, it's often after the shower when you've already given a gift. Tricky little witches.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 11, 2014 5:04:32 GMT
With this last one I played stupid and Messaged her asking her about the shower. Because we had had one wedding where they were so slack on the wedding invites I used that as my excuse to ask if we were invited to the wedding and maybe our invite just got lost. She "didn't know what to tell me but we were not invited and she was sorry but they just couldn't afford more people at their wedding".
I sweetly told that it was absolutely ok not to invite us to the wedding, I was just surprised at the shower invite because normally you don't invite someone to the shower unless they're invited to the wedding, but it seems that's the trend these days and apparently I'm just old.
But I'm a bitch like that.
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Post by cannmom on Aug 11, 2014 5:36:26 GMT
With this last one I played stupid and Messaged her asking her about the shower. Because we had had one wedding where they were so slack on the wedding invites I used that as my excuse to ask if we were invited to the wedding and maybe our invite just got lost. She "didn't know what to tell me but we were not invited and she was sorry but they just couldn't afford more people at their wedding". I sweetly told that it was absolutely ok not to invite us to the wedding, I was just surprised at the shower invite because normally you don't invite someone to the shower unless they're invited to the wedding, but it seems that's the trend these days and apparently I'm just old. But I'm a bitch like that. Love it! I don't know how people can be so clueless. |
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anniebygaslight
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Jun 28, 2014 14:08:19 GMT
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Post by anniebygaslight on Aug 11, 2014 5:51:26 GMT
Not normal in my circle. Often a bridal shower is a work based thing, with no expectation among the guests to be invited to the wedding and reception, but maybe an invitation to the evening part of the celebration will be forthcoming. The bride will get other showers thrown by closer friends and family.
Am delighted to report that lingerie showers have not made it across the atlantic. Yet.
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Post by bdawnb on Aug 11, 2014 6:25:22 GMT
In my "circle" if work or your church throws you a shower then there is no expectation of an invitation to the wedding, but if the shower is hosted by the family or bridal party then there should be an invitation on its way.
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Post by theboydbunch on Aug 11, 2014 6:29:24 GMT
In my "circle" if work or your church throws you a shower then there is no expectation of an invitation to the wedding, but if the shower is hosted by the family or bridal party then there should be an invitation on its way.
I am going to change my original response to this.  This is normally the expectation with the people I know. |
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Aug 11, 2014 11:07:56 GMT
That kind of greedy behavior is inexcusable.
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Post by cbet on Aug 11, 2014 11:25:45 GMT
When I was growing up, it was very common in our area to have a gigantic shower, thrown by both the bridesmaids and groomsmen, and everyone in the area was invited; it was generally on a Saturday night and included a band for dancing and free beer; and the people who were invited were asked to bring a dish to pass  Probably totally tacky, but it's what everyone did and it was a good excuse for a night out. Now, though? The shower is supposed to be a more intimate gathering, and you just don't invite someone that you aren't inviting to the wedding. |
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Post by cbet on Aug 11, 2014 11:26:02 GMT
accidental double post, ignore
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grinningcat
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Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Aug 11, 2014 12:31:06 GMT
I've never heard of being invited to the shower means being invited to the wedding. But that said, I don't like showers and really don't keep track. I kind of see both sides though I am leaning towards tacky.
What's also tacky and horrifying is the thought of a lingerie shower. How incredibly revolting and gross. I have no idea how I'd deal with one of those.
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MaryC
Full Member
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Jun 25, 2014 21:52:55 GMT
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Post by MaryC on Aug 11, 2014 12:31:23 GMT
Same here. Lately, though, I'm seeing more invitations from people I barely know well enough to say hello to, let alone be invited to a shower or a wedding. There seems to be more expectation that anyone you know even remotely is fair game for an invitation and a gift.
A couple of times this summer, we've gotten "engagement shower" invitations where the couple has just gotten engaged and haven't even finalized the wedding plans. I really dislike the trend of turning everything into a gift opportunity. Have an engagement party, not a shower, and don't expect gifts for both.
Around here at least, a lingerie shower is just for the closest friends and female relatives of the bride, and it isn't automatically lingerie, just personal, pampering type gifts for the bride only. There might be some sexy lingerie, but also personal items like a nice robe and slippers, favorite perfume, gift card for a manicure or pedicure , spa products and so on.
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eisforennui
Junior Member
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Post by eisforennui on Aug 11, 2014 12:35:47 GMT
having just gotten engaged, the engagement party seems really weird to me. sure, my parents took us to dinner, and so did his, but no way would i want to throw a party.
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Aug 11, 2014 12:39:32 GMT
Not normal in my circle either.
If you are invited to the shower (gift grab), then you are most definitely invited to the occasion (wedding).
I would feel totally used if I was invited to go to a party to give gifts, but not to the big day.
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Post by bluepoprocks on Aug 11, 2014 12:44:52 GMT
Every time I've been invited to a shower I was also invited to the wedding.
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Post by mrst on Aug 11, 2014 12:46:55 GMT
I'm so glad that "Showers" haven't come to Europe..they sound a minefield!!!
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Post by epeanymous on Aug 11, 2014 12:48:58 GMT
I think it is tacky if the bride is composing the guest list. However, I know at mine that the host invited some of her friends that were more part of her community than mine and whom I never would have put on an invite list for the shower or my wedding, and I did not consider the fact that the host decided to invite people because she wanted to to require me to invite people I literally had met once to my wedding (I had enough of those already, but that is a story for another day).
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Post by anxiousmom on Aug 11, 2014 12:52:46 GMT
I'm in the weird in-between stage of my life where all the kids are still young enough that they aren't getting married and friends are getting divorced (lol) so I haven't run into showers lately. It will change soon enough though, the older kids are starting to graduate from high school so the grown up relationships are right behind.
But I am not so okay with being invited to a shower and not the wedding. It just doesn't seem right. Work and church showers feel different somehow, but I still think they should be invited to the wedding. If you can't afford a big Pinterest wedding, then a punch and cake reception is in order to invite all the people you think you need.
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Post by mikklynn on Aug 11, 2014 13:11:33 GMT
In my world, if you are invited to the shower, you better be invited to the wedding. To do otherwise is tacky.
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eastcoastpea
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Jun 27, 2014 13:05:28 GMT
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Post by eastcoastpea on Aug 11, 2014 13:18:34 GMT
With this last one I played stupid and Messaged her asking her about the shower. Because we had had one wedding where they were so slack on the wedding invites I used that as my excuse to ask if we were invited to the wedding and maybe our invite just got lost. She "didn't know what to tell me but we were not invited and she was sorry but they just couldn't afford more people at their wedding". I sweetly told that it was absolutely ok not to invite us to the wedding, I was just surprised at the shower invite because normally you don't invite someone to the shower unless they're invited to the wedding, but it seems that's the trend these days and apparently I'm just old. But I'm a bitch like that. Did she have anything else to say after what you said? |
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Post by melanell on Aug 11, 2014 13:19:25 GMT
In my "circle" if work or your church throws you a shower then there is no expectation of an invitation to the wedding, but if the shower is hosted by the family or bridal party then there should be an invitation on its way.
This is how it is here. We don't expect a bride to invite people to her wedding just because someone else decided to invite them to her shower, kwim? In those cases (work, church, etc.) she may have had no say in the guest list. (The same goes for surprise showers, too, obviously.) But one typically imagines that with a family or bridal party member hosted shower that the bride would have been included in the shower guest list. |
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Post by mdoc on Aug 11, 2014 13:25:00 GMT
I think it's in poor taste to invite someone to a shower who will not be invited to the wedding. I had a "planned elopement" kind of wedding, and declined a shower for that reason. I was never invited to a shower and then not the wedding, but I'm out of the wedding cycle now (my friends married long ago and friends' kids mostly haven't gotten to that stage), so Im not sure if things have changed around here.
ETA: I agree that a work shower is different from one thrown by the family/bridal party, though, and I would have different expectations regarding an invitation.
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Post by mnmloveli on Aug 11, 2014 13:29:18 GMT
Very rude. A definite gift grab in my eyes. I also have mixed feelings about bridal showers for someone having a destination wedding. When you choose to have a destination wedding in the Carribbean, couple lives in the northeast, you must realize most people can't afford to spend $1,000-$2,000 to attend. So if you really don't want everyone at your wedding, don't have a bridal shower as a gift grab.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 11, 2014 14:05:39 GMT
No. Just no. I can't believe people have the balls to do something like that.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 11, 2014 16:20:37 GMT
With this last one I played stupid and Messaged her asking her about the shower. Because we had had one wedding where they were so slack on the wedding invites I used that as my excuse to ask if we were invited to the wedding and maybe our invite just got lost. She "didn't know what to tell me but we were not invited and she was sorry but they just couldn't afford more people at their wedding". I sweetly told that it was absolutely ok not to invite us to the wedding, I was just surprised at the shower invite because normally you don't invite someone to the shower unless they're invited to the wedding, but it seems that's the trend these days and apparently I'm just old. But I'm a bitch like that. Did she have anything else to say after what you said? Not a whole lot, her exact response was, "Alrighty, well thank you for asking and not just showing up, much appreciated!  ? thank you for understanding. I know some people will get really offended but we just can't afford it, I really wish we could. ?" she didn't even address why she would have invited me to her shower but not the wedding. I should also add that the invite was done through a fb event, and she herself did the inviting. |
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This is normally the expectation with the people I know. 
Probably totally tacky, but it's what everyone did and it was a good excuse for a night out. 
? thank you for understanding. I know some people will get really offended but we just can't afford it, I really wish we could.