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Post by lesserknownpea on Nov 28, 2016 0:35:09 GMT
What a lovely Idea the SIL had. In our society drenched in material possessions, buying more and more "things" that hopefully the recipient will even like or keep, I really like the idea of putting the money to better use.
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Post by leftturnonly on Nov 28, 2016 0:36:40 GMT
Ok, but you said you took her statement out of context, it was not her statement at all, it was myboysandme. Oh, for goodness sakes! Mea Culpa! So sorry!
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Post by refugeepea on Nov 28, 2016 0:45:24 GMT
Charity is best given anonymously in my mind I feel the same way as well. I would prefer not to tell anyone what charity I contribute to or how I help in other ways. I wouldn't be greatly offended. I would give the money back to the host and say it was hers to do as she wished. I know she's giving the money to others to do what they want, but I wonder if she'd be happy if her money went to the re-elect Trump in 4 years campaign. I think the MIL's response was over the top. Also, I'm a big believer in buying for the recipient. It's good to know what makes *them* happy.
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Post by lesserknownpea on Nov 28, 2016 1:01:21 GMT
I'm imagining SIL sitting down on Christmas morning, with her pile of cards and notes, reading how each one in her family used the money.
Maybe one took their child to choose a toy for a giving tree, and enclosed a photo.
Maybe someone choose the Humane Society
Someone else gave to a battered women's shelter.
And yet another to Meals on Wheels
Can't you imagine the quiet joy and satisfaction these notes would bring?
If I were in her family, I would have added whatever I intended to spend on her gift to the donation, and been thrilled that this was one less gift I had to figure out what to buy.
But if I were disappointed that I would not be receiving a physical gift from SIL this year, I'd be free to spend on myself whatever I budgeted for her gift. It's still win/win.
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Post by leftturnonly on Nov 28, 2016 1:08:05 GMT
I'm imagining SIL sitting down on Christmas morning, with her pile of cards and notes, reading how each one in her family used the money. Maybe one took their child to choose a toy for a giving tree, and enclosed a photo. Maybe someone choose the Humane Society Someone else gave to a battered women's shelter. And yet another to Meals on Wheels Can't you imagine the quiet joy and satisfaction these notes would bring? If I were in her family, I would have added whatever I intended to spend on her gift to the donation, and been thrilled that this was one less gift I had to figure out what to buy. But if I were disappointed that I would not be receiving a physical gift from SIL this year, I'd be free to spend on myself whatever I budgeted for her gift. It's still win/win. This is why it only works with the right audience. Imagine sitting quietly and reading about contributions to the political party that gives you a massive headache? I think it's a great idea for people with similar outlooks who won't feel like this is an imposition. No reason it couldn't be done just with those people and let the others be to do their own thing.
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Post by myboysnme on Nov 28, 2016 1:21:14 GMT
Most thread posters like the idea very much. A few of us don't. One of us thinks that makes me and a few others assholes. That's lovely. How charitable of you. I mean even stefdesign says she's sorry I feel that way. Really? I'm not sorry you feel the way you do. It's always funny to me that the people loving ideas like this are the least charitable to those with different opinions.
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Post by freecharlie on Nov 28, 2016 1:27:29 GMT
I also agree that donating in my name as a gift to me is not a gift to me. It's lovely for the charity but unless I care deeply about a particular charity and you know it pleases me very much to donate to it, just don't do it. I think the SIL was giving the money and basically asking people not to buy HER anything, that her gift would be the notes of the charities. It doesn't sound like the money was the person's gift. I wonder if the SIL is also giving the people gifts for christmas.
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Post by melanell on Nov 28, 2016 1:33:43 GMT
I'm imagining SIL sitting down on Christmas morning, with her pile of cards and notes, reading how each one in her family used the money. Maybe one took their child to choose a toy for a giving tree, and enclosed a photo. Maybe someone choose the Humane Society Someone else gave to a battered women's shelter. And yet another to Meals on Wheels Can't you imagine the quiet joy and satisfaction these notes would bring? I absolutely can. I think I would treasure those notes. I really do. I think it would be such a gift to her to do as she has requested. (It's like when your kid or grandkid or niece or nephew asks for something for Christmas and you have no idea what it even is and when you find it you think it's the ugliest, most ridiculous, most likely to be broken or forgotten by week's end item imaginable, but you buy it anyway because the kid wants it so badly. Then when they open it, their reaction makes the fact that you bought this crappy thing completely worth it. Save
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 2, 2024 11:44:18 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 28, 2016 1:44:31 GMT
I'm imagining SIL sitting down on Christmas morning, with her pile of cards and notes, reading how each one in her family used the money. Maybe one took their child to choose a toy for a giving tree, and enclosed a photo. Maybe someone choose the Humane Society Someone else gave to a battered women's shelter. And yet another to Meals on Wheels Can't you imagine the quiet joy and satisfaction these notes would bring? If I were in her family, I would have added whatever I intended to spend on her gift to the donation, and been thrilled that this was one less gift I had to figure out what to buy. But if I were disappointed that I would not be receiving a physical gift from SIL this year, I'd be free to spend on myself whatever I budgeted for her gift. It's still win/win. Wow - this little visualization makes me like the idea even more, and you along with it. Thanks for making it sound even more win/win.
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used2scrap
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,034
Jan 29, 2016 3:02:55 GMT
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Post by used2scrap on Nov 28, 2016 3:03:43 GMT
Wow- some people really can't help it can they. I'm really not understanding the "how" this would be offensive. You have to write a note. FFS. A note. The SIL isn't worthy of a note? You want to take offense because someone asked you to be charitable? Damn....... long, long, long sigh. It isn't even YOUR money? You think someone is trying to be offensive because of their charity-- seems like the most selfish answer. My mom is a pessimist naysayer who never, ever, ever can say anything nice or see the good in anything. And dare I say this thread reminds me so much of her negative view on life that I want to cancel my flight home for Christmas. Seriously, if you look to be offended you will. This perceived victimization is overly tiresome. It's not all about YOU!! Which YOU is it not about? The SIL you or the MIL you?
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used2scrap
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,034
Jan 29, 2016 3:02:55 GMT
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Post by used2scrap on Nov 28, 2016 3:05:42 GMT
I'm imagining SIL sitting down on Christmas morning, with her pile of cards and notes, reading how each one in her family used the money. Maybe one took their child to choose a toy for a giving tree, and enclosed a photo. Maybe someone choose the Humane Society Someone else gave to a battered women's shelter. And yet another to Meals on Wheels Can't you imagine the quiet joy and satisfaction these notes would bring? If I were in her family, I would have added whatever I intended to spend on her gift to the donation, and been thrilled that this was one less gift I had to figure out what to buy. But if I were disappointed that I would not be receiving a physical gift from SIL this year, I'd be free to spend on myself whatever I budgeted for her gift. It's still win/win. Maybe the MIL already had the gift for SIL that was just perfect and she was so excited to give, but was now being told "I don't want it, whatever it is" from the SIL?
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Post by leftturnonly on Nov 28, 2016 3:13:24 GMT
Maybe the MIL already had the gift for SIL that was just perfect and she was so excited to give, but was now being told "I don't want it, whatever it is" from the SIL? Exactly.
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Post by lesserknownpea on Nov 28, 2016 3:14:10 GMT
I'm imagining SIL sitting down on Christmas morning, with her pile of cards and notes, reading how each one in her family used the money. Maybe one took their child to choose a toy for a giving tree, and enclosed a photo. Maybe someone choose the Humane Society Someone else gave to a battered women's shelter. And yet another to Meals on Wheels Can't you imagine the quiet joy and satisfaction these notes would bring? If I were in her family, I would have added whatever I intended to spend on her gift to the donation, and been thrilled that this was one less gift I had to figure out what to buy. But if I were disappointed that I would not be receiving a physical gift from SIL this year, I'd be free to spend on myself whatever I budgeted for her gift. It's still win/win. Maybe the MIL already had the gift for SIL that was just perfect and she was so excited to give, but was now being told "I don't want it, whatever it is" from the SIL? I see no reason the MIL or anyone else couldn't still give any gift they were moved to give. I don't see that SIL was saying she would refuse any gift, rather that she was not expecting any. Kind of a release from an obligation. Just look at the many, many threads this time of year, with people complaining that they have no idea what to get somebody, and the parallel threads of people complaining about they received. I would find it a blessing to be relieved of such obligation. But if I found something I KNEW my own DD would love, I'd still get it for her. Frankly, I would do that any time of year. I prefer not to have gifts tied to occasions and reciprocity.
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Post by papersilly on Nov 28, 2016 4:05:10 GMT
Friend should send MILs email to SIL.
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Why
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,135
Jun 26, 2014 4:03:09 GMT
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Post by Why on Nov 28, 2016 4:09:06 GMT
Threads like this make me wonder why anyone even tries! According to the peas: you can't give gift cards because it's impersonal; you can't give cash because it shows you don't care enough about them to find out what they like; you can't give an actual gift because they probably won't like it and it's just junk that will be donated; you can't make a donation in someone's name because that might not be the charity they like and they wouldn't feel appreciated; you can't give them money and tell them to make a donation to a charity you like because that's too much work for the receiver; homemade gifts are seen as cheap; homemade food is seen as contaminated and thrown away. So what's a person supposed to do??? ....................
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Dani-Mani
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,706
Jun 28, 2014 17:36:35 GMT
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Post by Dani-Mani on Nov 28, 2016 4:21:58 GMT
I would NOT be happy with that gift. What an absolutely odd gift. And I'm a pretty charitable person who gives to charity several times a year, esp St. Jude,and (tries to) tithe faithfully.
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Post by stefdesign on Nov 29, 2016 5:47:11 GMT
It's threads like this, even more than political threads that make me realize that it's almost impossible for even reasonable people to agree on the simplest things. In this situation, one person sees a wonderful opportunity to serve and give, another sees a manipulative scenario fraught with hidden agendas. And so it goes.
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Post by anxiousmom on Nov 29, 2016 12:09:16 GMT
I find it a sweet gesture.
BUT. This is actually not really new in the anxious family. My parents are at a place in their lives where they don't really want any more material things. They are financially in a place where if they have a want or a need, they can fulfill it.
For the last 10 years or so they ask us kids (there are 5 of us) and the grandchildren to do x-number of random acts of kindness in their honor and write it down, wrap it up, and give it to them on Christmas morning. Sometimes they give us money to do so, sometimes they don't. And they have made it pretty clear that their definition of act of kindness doesn't have to cost a single thing. One year they asked for the gift of time-they wanted each of us to spend time with us teaching them a new skill that we have that they don't, or doing something with them that they wanted (like yard work for those that enjoy it.)
I would say that they only bump in the road we had early on was that some of us (me) felt like it should be anonymous and my mom really, really, gets a lot of joy out of hearing all that we do. Instead of writing each act down, the first year I made her a simple piece of art with butterflies representing each act. It took her a good year before she understood my point (random acts of kindness should be made from the heart not for the recognition), but when she did, she was fully on board.
It is has gotten to be a bit of a tradition and some of us look forward to figuring out how we are going to do our thing each year. What has been particularly interesting is how the grandkids are really getting into it as well.
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Post by hop2 on Nov 29, 2016 12:12:45 GMT
Maybe SIL usually gives MIL a lovely scarf or bottle of perfume each year, and MIL was disappointed she wouldn't be getting the one and only thoughtful gift she looks forward to each year? I don't know, whatever I personally think about the idea, she was clearly hurt, so there's more to the story somewhere. Really? Only one person in the family (potentially) gives her a gift? You know what? If MIL expects that so much, she should have gone and bought it for herself and lied about what she did with the money. That would be a shitty thing to do, but less shitty than proclaiming her self entitlement all over a nasty email. Well if that's really her only gift she doesn't have to lie "I bought a thoughtful gift for a woman who doesn't receive any other gifts'
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Post by jumperhop on Nov 29, 2016 14:29:44 GMT
If possible I would like to donate money in her name and send her a card telling her how I donated it. Jen
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Deleted
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May 2, 2024 11:44:18 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 29, 2016 15:30:28 GMT
If possible I would like to donate money in her name and send her a card telling her how I donated it. Jen That WOULD be fun. Sadly, I don't even know her last name because she's the SIL of a friend. But, I would encourage you to donate money in her name in any case. It's the season where helping is more top-of-mind than it can be at other times of the year. You're kind to suggest it. Maybe we should all donate in her honor :*) I did to the Wikipedia folks.
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Post by lbp on Nov 29, 2016 15:36:19 GMT
I think it is a lovely gesture. However I know what my MIL would have done, kept it for herself and never send a note.
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freebird
Drama Llama
'cause I'm free as a bird now
Posts: 6,927
Jun 25, 2014 20:06:48 GMT
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Post by freebird on Nov 29, 2016 15:37:02 GMT
Threads like this make me wonder why anyone even tries! According to the peas: you can't give gift cards because it's impersonal; you can't give cash because it shows you don't care enough about them to find out what they like; you can't give an actual gift because they probably won't like it and it's just junk that will be donated; you can't make a donation in someone's name because that might not be the charity they like and they wouldn't feel appreciated; you can't give them money and tell them to make a donation to a charity you like because that's too much work for the receiver; homemade gifts are seen as cheap; homemade food is seen as contaminated and thrown away. So what's a person supposed to do???( and yes, I know not everyone feels this way. I personally love giving gifts, and in my little world the people love receiving what I give them! :-) ) you ignore 95% of the things you read here because this place is much more like a dysfunctional fucked up family than it is a microcosm of the real world.
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Post by salem on Nov 29, 2016 16:44:04 GMT
There's always one in every crowd. SMH
I think it's a good idea. I might do something like this with my kids and husband.
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smartypants71
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,701
Location: Houston, TX
Jun 25, 2014 22:47:49 GMT
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Post by smartypants71 on Nov 29, 2016 17:13:40 GMT
Well, I'm going to make a donation to The Human Fund on behalf of all of you.
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Post by anniefb on Nov 29, 2016 17:32:06 GMT
What a great idea and wow to MIL. Sounds like the kind of person who would find fault with any idea.
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Post by cmhs on Nov 29, 2016 18:29:57 GMT
One of my coworkers does the same with her family. She gives them each $5 at Thanksgiving and asks them to tell her at Christmas what they did with the money. Some of the ideas her nieces and nephews came up with last year were really impressive and inspiring. As for the crab, some people are only happy when they're miserable.
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luckyexwife
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,067
Jun 25, 2014 21:21:08 GMT
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Post by luckyexwife on Nov 29, 2016 19:22:08 GMT
Giving extra money to a place you already donate to, and writing a note saying "I donated to xx as it is a charity I appreciate " is a "task" that you wouldn't feel "compelled" to do? See? There are people like me in most families where most folks think it's lovely and someone thinks it's not so lovely. I do not want to feel compelled. I give freely not because I am compelled to do so. I would probably say to SIL, please just add this to your donation. I give quite bit on my own, I don't need family members to inspire me to give and I don't care for the assumption that I need SIL's money to do so. I don't see it as a 'nice' thing to do. I see it as a way of SIL making sure everyone knows how generous SHE is. And frankly, I don't care what she gives or doesn't give. Charity is best given anonymously in my mind, but because of the tax laws having a charitable giving receipt makes that hard for many to do. I've been thinking about this for a few days, and I really have an honest question. I am not at all being snarky. In life, do you generally view things negatively? Do you generally view others as manipulative? This place is fascinating to learn other viewpoints. I just find it interesting that you view this as manipulative and show-offish of the giver, and that the giver has a negative view of you (that you need monetary help to donate). I totally understand if you would rather not answer, or you would rather answer in a PM. I think I find this fascinating because I generally have a positive outlook on things. I viewed the giver as generous, and creative, looking to donate to new places with her money rather than just your usual places. I didn't think it said anything about you (general you as the receiver) at all.
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