Help! confrontation. Visiting anorexic sister Friday.

I don't have any good advice but am thinking good thoughts. I think if you know she's not going to react well you need to back off. Be there for her, talk to her about normal things, make sure she knows you're there for her. Ask her if there's anything you can do for her (in a general way) and unfortunately, leave it at that. Make sure she knows she can come to you for anything. Until she's ready for your help, you're just going to push her away if you try to push your help on her.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I can't imagine.

I have no idea, but I wanted to offer (((hugs))).

I don't think that it will be something you can talk her out of at this point. I think at this point in your lives, it's more about accepting who she is, including the battle she's waging daily and has for decades, and just finding ways of spending time together while you have it.

I think the best way to have her open up to you is to show no judgement (I know that would be hard, because she will see any concern you have as judgement), and just enjoy her company despite every warning in your head screaming that she is not healthy and that you must help her. Sometimes no one can help a person but that person themselves.

I'm sorry. I know it's hard.

I don't agree with this. If your sister is going to die from anorexia, it's time to pull out all the stops. Go to her husband first, grab all the rest of the family, and head over there and get her to treatment facility. Your sister is ill. She is battling a demon. She needs help. Do everything you can. 

I think going into this expecting a confrontation will lead to exactly that. And that may very well lead to a permanent rift between you.

In my opinion we don't have the right to speak into others' lives unless we've taken the time to build relationships with them.

If you aren't close enough to even have her return calls then bringing up her most dark and difficult struggle will not end well.

If you don't want to lose her take this time to rebuild and reconnect with her. Let her see she's loved for who she is as flawed as that may be.

How successful have all of your medically trained family members been in helping her? Her husband is a fitness trainer. How successful is he?

If your intent is to meet up with her and force her into some kind of epiphany, it's not going to happen. She likely avoids people because she doesn't want to have to defend herself all of the time. It's a tough situation. I don't think there is much you can say or do on Friday to fatten her up. But you do have a golden opportunity to show her she's wrong about you, that you can treat her like more than just someone who needs to be fixed.

You are stuck between a rock and a hard place.  I know you're terrified for your sister.  It sounds like she is as fragile emotionally as physically.  I think it might be best to take a very gentle approach during this visit.  Try to bridge the gap between you and remind her that she is loved and safe with you.  I would tell her that I miss her and want her in my life.  

Elaine said it best - there is no right answer here, and you may end up feeling like you did the "wrong" thing regardless of how this plays out.

I'm so sorry that your sister and family are dealing with this.  Sending huge hugs to you.  I hope tomorrow goes well and that you are able to connect with your sister.

I suffered from anorexia for more than ten years, and let me tell you: nothing you say will make her want to get treatment. A confrontation will turn her away from you. While I agree that it sounds as if she's very sick (and those who suffers from anorexia do have a higher mortality rate) and I get that you are worried, what do you expect to achieve? That she, after 30 years (or probably more) of dealing with an eating disorder, suddenly will start eating? 

What family members and friends needs to understand, is that she feels good. She is battling body fat every day, and zero body fat means she's winning. The rest of the family is stuffing themselves with food every chance they get, and it is revolting to see them being slaves to food. They are really gross, with all the body fat on them. Sounds crazy? Yes it is, but that is how someone with anorexia sees the world. 

Unless you have a close and supportive relationship, the chances of her listening to you, are virtually non-existent. 

I understand you're afraid, but be loving, don't pressure her, and maybe, just maybe, will she eventually agree to get treatment. If she refuses, it should be her choice, like a cancer patient refusing chemo.

So sorry to hear this. You've had some good suggestions. Just wanted to say I do hope tomorrow goes well. Thinking of you and your sister and sending positive thoughts.
Don't know if you've thought of contacting one of the support agencies for family and friends of those with anorexia. It might help you to talk about your concerns with others in a similar position? The National Eating Disorders Association website might be the place to start.

First of all, I'm sorry. She sounds like she is really ill and needs help....NOW. The hair falling out is scary.

My sister's life long best friend has suffered with anorexia for four decades and it's been horrifying to watch her weight go up and down (she's 5'2 and I don't think she's weighed over a 100 pounds since she was 16). She did get healthy enough to have two girls of her own who are both married and doing well. She, however, is not.

Recently, she called my sister (who lives in Florida, we all live in Texas) and said that when she went in for her yearly exam, the nurse practitioner told her she "was dying." Honestly, I don't know how she's lived this long ( she's 58) .This was based on her weight (she's about 70 pounds), her blood pressure, her lab work and her physical exam and she needed to "gain a little weight" ( and who knows what the nurse really said). My sister was horrified, scared and decided it was time to call her friend's husband and oldest daughter who confronted her mom about it. My sister's friend immediately went  on the defensive and convinced her husband that she "just needed to gain a little weight and she'll be fine." And...he accepted it because I think it's gone on so long that her family just kind of let's her be crazy because they can't get her to go into treatment, see a therapist and really get better. 


I'm so sorry that this is so negative but I know this will be hard for you. Anorexia is such a strange, scary  mental illness and I really hope you can get through to her. Her husband has probably just convinced himself that she's okay because he's lived with it for so long. I know my friends husband just doesn't really see it as that bad because it's always been that way. I think the fact that she used to be muscular is a good thing and maybe you can work with her on that end that she needs to build some muscle mass. Hopefully, you can get her to understand that her hair falling out and the other syotoms she's having are all related to her weight. ((hugs)) to you and prayers-this really sucks and again I'm sorry. I know you're scared and heart-broken. Good luck and I hope it goes well.

I'm so sorry. I can't imagine watching someone I love going through something like this.

I think trying to reestablish and strengthen your relationship is the best way to go, even though it will be very difficult to say nothing.

Is there any way you can consult a professional about how to address your sister's problem? I'm so sorry. It must be hard to see her wither away.

She knows she's sick. And she knows you know she's sick. She may even, at some level, enjoy the horrified looks everyone is exchanging. However, she is not going to like anyone trying to gain access to her so she can be "shown the evil of her ways". There is an underlying reason that you may never know.

I've shared that I struggled with eating/food issues in the past. I hit my worst when I was going through a divorce in my late 20s. I remember my entire family coming to my house one evening, under the guise of "hanging out" which we never ever did, so I felt the ambush. I did not appreciate their concern shared that way. None of them wanted to just be my sister, or my mother, or my brother. They just wanted to tell me how unhealthy I was. I was screaming inside, I KNOW, YOU IDIOTS! I KNOW! But I just smiled and nodded and then shut the door behind them as they left with more resolve to heal my pain the way I was good at doing it.

Please just love her as a person. With everything she's got. Be in her life for more than this one day where you want to make sure your concern for her health is stated. She may let down her guard and let you in over time. She may not. But you cannot force your way into what she's got going on. Not after this long. It does not work that way. However, plain old unconditional love can move mountains.

ETA - I wanted to add that I am sorry.  None of the options seems like great ones.  I get that too.  I am sorry you are on the other end of this with your sister.  It's really a nightmare for everyone.  

I agree.  She needs someone to  just love her.  Sit and reminisce.  Laugh about old times. Hug her and make plans for another visit.  Repeat until she is very comfortable.  Then ask about her health.  Don't push your concerns.