|
Post by ptamom on Aug 14, 2014 3:41:27 GMT
How do I help?!
So, on July 4, my extended family got together at my dad's house. I posted about this before.
My sister, who has been scary skinny for 30 years, but still strong and muscular up until we saw her at Thanksgiving, walked in to my dad's house on Independence Day looking like a corpse.
She has been anorexic for the last 3 decades, and worked out for two hours each day, the result was zero body fat, but also some muscle.
She no longer has muscle, and her joints look like skin over bone. Her face is a skeleton. She has lost most of her hair, and she walks stooped over.
She and her husband walked into the party, and all of the rest of us shot horrified looks to one another. And her husband is a fitness trainer, so WTF.
I've been trying to contact her ever since. They don't answer their phone. No cell phones. Her last email address is either incorrect, or she wouldn't reply to me.
At Thanksgiving, her husband brought my husband some craft beers. He later email DH to find out how he liked them.
DH hunted down the email address, I sent BIL an email asking him to have my sister call me.
Tuesday night she called, and I begged her to let me visit her on Friday.
She told me my dad had already expressed concern about her hair, and contended it was a salon accident.
After much cajoling, begging, etc., she has agreed to have me visit her on Friday.
How do I talk to her without her withdrawing?
Years ago I brought up her (at the time) Bulemia, and she didn't talk to me or the family for years. I don't believe she is still bulimic, just anorexic.
My husband's sister, same age as my sister (55), was just diagnosed with cervical cancer. I feel like I am about to lose two sisters.
Help!
|
|
|
Post by mnmloveli on Aug 14, 2014 3:50:55 GMT
I have never dealt with anything like this but just wanted to send you prayers for strength to get thru this visit. Perhaps you could "google" Anorexia Message Boards and see what you find.
|
|
tracylynn
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,899
Jun 26, 2014 22:49:09 GMT
|
Post by tracylynn on Aug 14, 2014 3:53:06 GMT
I don't have any good advice but am thinking good thoughts. I think if you know she's not going to react well you need to back off. Be there for her, talk to her about normal things, make sure she knows you're there for her. Ask her if there's anything you can do for her (in a general way) and unfortunately, leave it at that. Make sure she knows she can come to you for anything. Until she's ready for your help, you're just going to push her away if you try to push your help on her.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I can't imagine.
|
|
|
Post by elaine on Aug 14, 2014 3:54:24 GMT
Honestly, I would work on a relationship first, and after that has been re established work on the anorexia. If you bring it up during this meeting, the next time you see her may be at the funeral home.
It is sad and it is scary, but you aren't going to make her change her behavior with anything you have to say right now. Show her you love her and build something back between the two of you before you share how afraid and sad you are of losing her.
I said this last time, and I'll say it again, her husband is probably part of the problem - physical trainers and eating disorders can go hand-in-hand; many don't have realistic views of what average bodies should look like.
|
|
|
Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Aug 14, 2014 3:55:02 GMT
I have no idea, but I wanted to offer (((hugs))).
I don't think that it will be something you can talk her out of at this point. I think at this point in your lives, it's more about accepting who she is, including the battle she's waging daily and has for decades, and just finding ways of spending time together while you have it.
I think the best way to have her open up to you is to show no judgement (I know that would be hard, because she will see any concern you have as judgement), and just enjoy her company despite every warning in your head screaming that she is not healthy and that you must help her. Sometimes no one can help a person but that person themselves.
I'm sorry. I know it's hard.
|
|
|
Post by redshoes on Aug 14, 2014 3:59:29 GMT
Just let her know you love her unconditionally, no matter what. I would imagine it is extremely difficult to watch a loved one in her situation, but it is her life. You can offer the help all day long, but she has to want it and take it and you cannot force her to do that. I wouldn't be too hard on her husband either-he has nothing to be guilty of. I am sure it is very painful for him as well, living with it day to day, knowing he can't fix it.
I am sorry you're having fears re: both sister/SIL. It's certainly understandable. Perhaps sharing that with her on Friday will give her another perspective. She may be too ill to see past herself to consider anyone else,
|
|
|
Post by spitfiregirl on Aug 14, 2014 4:00:57 GMT
. I think if you know she's not going to react well you need to back off. Be there for her, talk to her about normal things, make sure she knows you're there for her. Ask her if there's anything you can do for her (in a general way) and unfortunately, leave it at that. I don't agree with this. If your sister is going to die from anorexia, it's time to pull out all the stops. Go to her husband first, grab all the rest of the family, and head over there and get her to treatment facility. Your sister is ill. She is battling a demon. She needs help. Do everything you can.
|
|
ohwellok
New Member
Posts: 9
Aug 10, 2014 20:30:04 GMT
|
Post by ohwellok on Aug 14, 2014 4:00:53 GMT
wow I'm sending out prayers for all of you
|
|
|
Post by ptamom on Aug 14, 2014 4:04:44 GMT
I don't have any good advice but am thinking good thoughts. I think if you know she's not going to react well you need to back off. Be there for her, talk to her about normal things, make sure she knows you're there for her. Ask her if there's anything you can do for her (in a general way) and unfortunately, leave it at that. Make sure she knows she can come to you for anything. Until she's ready for your help, you're just going to push her away if you try to push your help on her. I'm sorry you're going through this. I can't imagine. I have backed off. For years. But when my sister walked into the party on July 4th, I got chills. I felt like it was the last time I would ever see her, except in a coffin. She looked like she was already dead, but her heart hadn't realized it yet. My whole family was seriously alarmed. My dad is a retired doctor, stepmother is a hospital dietician, SIL is a phlebotomist. I am not basing my assessment of her health on speculation. Besides my visceral reaction to her appearance, my medically trained family members agree she is not long for this world if she does not get medical intervention.
|
|
|
Post by ptamom on Aug 14, 2014 4:06:18 GMT
. I think if you know she's not going to react well you need to back off. Be there for her, talk to her about normal things, make sure she knows you're there for her. Ask her if there's anything you can do for her (in a general way) and unfortunately, leave it at that. I don't agree with this. If your sister is going to die from anorexia, it's time to pull out all the stops. Go to her husband first, grab all the rest of the family, and head over there and get her to treatment facility. Your sister is ill. She is battling a demon. She needs help. Do everything you can. Getting the family together to confront her would not go well. She would just nod and thank us, then withdraw. I'm hoping that I can gently get my concern across to her, without her closing off. My SIL is the same age as my sister, 55. I'm going to tell her about my SIL's cancer diagnosis, mention that I'm having mammograms, and have to start having colonoscopys this year, and inquire about my sister's current medical care. Then go from there.
|
|
|
Post by seikashaven on Aug 14, 2014 4:07:55 GMT
I think going into this expecting a confrontation will lead to exactly that. And that may very well lead to a permanent rift between you.
In my opinion we don't have the right to speak into others' lives unless we've taken the time to build relationships with them.
If you aren't close enough to even have her return calls then bringing up her most dark and difficult struggle will not end well.
If you don't want to lose her take this time to rebuild and reconnect with her. Let her see she's loved for who she is as flawed as that may be.
|
|
tracylynn
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,899
Jun 26, 2014 22:49:09 GMT
|
Post by tracylynn on Aug 14, 2014 4:10:14 GMT
I don't have any good advice but am thinking good thoughts. I think if you know she's not going to react well you need to back off. Be there for her, talk to her about normal things, make sure she knows you're there for her. Ask her if there's anything you can do for her (in a general way) and unfortunately, leave it at that. Make sure she knows she can come to you for anything. Until she's ready for your help, you're just going to push her away if you try to push your help on her. I'm sorry you're going through this. I can't imagine. I have backed off. For years. But when my sister walked into the party on July 4th, I got chills. I felt like it was the last time I would ever see her, except in a coffin. She looked like she was already dead, but her heart hadn't realized it yet. My whole family was seriously alarmed. My dad is a retired doctor, stepmother is a hospital dietician, SIL is a phlebotomist. I am not basing my assessment of her health on speculation. Besides my visceral reaction to her appearance, my medically trained family members agree she is not long for this world if she does not get medical intervention. I completely understand - I remember reading your previous post. But unless you and your family are willing to physically restrain her and force her into treatment that she can't check herself out of (is there even anything like that for an adult???) I don't know what you can do for her - especially, as someone else pointed out, her husband is part of the problem. You've said yourself that she's alienated herself from you and your family in the past when you expressed your concerns. If her husband sides with her, all your going to do is alienate yourself from her again. My hope would be, if it were me, that if I could keep a relationship active and alive and supportive, she would hopefully feel like she could come to me when she was ready. I really do hope you can get her the help that she desperately needs!
|
|
|
Post by peasful1 on Aug 14, 2014 4:16:44 GMT
How successful have all of your medically trained family members been in helping her? Her husband is a fitness trainer. How successful is he?
If your intent is to meet up with her and force her into some kind of epiphany, it's not going to happen. She likely avoids people because she doesn't want to have to defend herself all of the time. It's a tough situation. I don't think there is much you can say or do on Friday to fatten her up. But you do have a golden opportunity to show her she's wrong about you, that you can treat her like more than just someone who needs to be fixed.
|
|
|
Post by elaine on Aug 14, 2014 4:18:16 GMT
I don't have any good advice but am thinking good thoughts. I think if you know she's not going to react well you need to back off. Be there for her, talk to her about normal things, make sure she knows you're there for her. Ask her if there's anything you can do for her (in a general way) and unfortunately, leave it at that. Make sure she knows she can come to you for anything. Until she's ready for your help, you're just going to push her away if you try to push your help on her. I'm sorry you're going through this. I can't imagine. I have backed off. For years. But when my sister walked into the party on July 4th, I got chills. I felt like it was the last time I would ever see her, except in a coffin. She looked like she was already dead, but her heart hadn't realized it yet. My whole family was seriously alarmed. My dad is a retired doctor, stepmother is a hospital dietician, SIL is a phlebotomist. I am not basing my assessment of her health on speculation. Besides my visceral reaction to her appearance, my medically trained family members agree she is not long for this world if she does not get medical intervention. I get that, but she isn't going to get medical intervention due to anything you are going to say to her on Friday. I guess it is up to you to decide how you want your last memories with your sister to be. It it may give you the most comfort to have her die estranged from you, but you knowing that you did everything you could to make her face her illness. Or, it may give you more comfort to spend the next year rebuilding a relationship with her, getting to know her again, getting close again, and then seeing where she is with her disease and what you feel compelled to do. I get the feeling that you have already decided the road that you are planning on taking on Friday; I would just encourage you to think about what is most important to you: spending whatever time she has left with your sister, or saying what you feel is right and potentially losing any future with her. There is no right answer - I am sad for both of you. (((Hugs)))
|
|
inkedup
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,837
Jun 26, 2014 5:00:26 GMT
|
Post by inkedup on Aug 14, 2014 5:09:37 GMT
You are stuck between a rock and a hard place. I know you're terrified for your sister. It sounds like she is as fragile emotionally as physically. I think it might be best to take a very gentle approach during this visit. Try to bridge the gap between you and remind her that she is loved and safe with you. I would tell her that I miss her and want her in my life.
Elaine said it best - there is no right answer here, and you may end up feeling like you did the "wrong" thing regardless of how this plays out.
I'm so sorry that your sister and family are dealing with this. Sending huge hugs to you. I hope tomorrow goes well and that you are able to connect with your sister.
|
|
anniebygaslight
Drama Llama
I'd love a cup of tea. #1966
Posts: 7,402
Location: Third Rock from the sun.
Jun 28, 2014 14:08:19 GMT
|
Post by anniebygaslight on Aug 14, 2014 5:53:35 GMT
Could you speak honestly to her husband? You say he is a fitness trainer. He must have concerns, but is perhaps in a similar position to yourself, not knowing which way to turn.
|
|
|
Post by miominmio on Aug 14, 2014 6:33:18 GMT
I suffered from anorexia for more than ten years, and let me tell you: nothing you say will make her want to get treatment. A confrontation will turn her away from you. While I agree that it sounds as if she's very sick (and those who suffers from anorexia do have a higher mortality rate) and I get that you are worried, what do you expect to achieve? That she, after 30 years (or probably more) of dealing with an eating disorder, suddenly will start eating?
What family members and friends needs to understand, is that she feels good. She is battling body fat every day, and zero body fat means she's winning. The rest of the family is stuffing themselves with food every chance they get, and it is revolting to see them being slaves to food. They are really gross, with all the body fat on them. Sounds crazy? Yes it is, but that is how someone with anorexia sees the world.
Unless you have a close and supportive relationship, the chances of her listening to you, are virtually non-existent.
I understand you're afraid, but be loving, don't pressure her, and maybe, just maybe, will she eventually agree to get treatment. If she refuses, it should be her choice, like a cancer patient refusing chemo.
|
|
|
Post by lucyg on Aug 14, 2014 7:29:09 GMT
No advice, just sympathy. Anorexics are pretty much the hardest people to get through to. When my DD was battling eating disorders, I read that they can't even run support groups for anorexics because they start competing with each other.
Okay, only this advice: I agree with those who say work on the relationship, not the anorexia. You can't fix the anorexia, only she can. And only if she's willing to.
I'm so sorry.
|
|
|
Post by anniefb on Aug 14, 2014 9:47:58 GMT
So sorry to hear this. You've had some good suggestions. Just wanted to say I do hope tomorrow goes well. Thinking of you and your sister and sending positive thoughts. Don't know if you've thought of contacting one of the support agencies for family and friends of those with anorexia. It might help you to talk about your concerns with others in a similar position? The National Eating Disorders Association website might be the place to start.
|
|
eastcoastpea
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,252
Jun 27, 2014 13:05:28 GMT
|
Post by eastcoastpea on Aug 14, 2014 9:57:03 GMT
I've got no words of wisdom for you, just hugs, lots of hugs.
|
|
|
Post by zoeybug on Aug 14, 2014 10:22:10 GMT
First of all, I'm sorry. She sounds like she is really ill and needs help....NOW. The hair falling out is scary.
My sister's life long best friend has suffered with anorexia for four decades and it's been horrifying to watch her weight go up and down (she's 5'2 and I don't think she's weighed over a 100 pounds since she was 16). She did get healthy enough to have two girls of her own who are both married and doing well. She, however, is not.
Recently, she called my sister (who lives in Florida, we all live in Texas) and said that when she went in for her yearly exam, the nurse practitioner told her she "was dying." Honestly, I don't know how she's lived this long ( she's 58) .This was based on her weight (she's about 70 pounds), her blood pressure, her lab work and her physical exam and she needed to "gain a little weight" ( and who knows what the nurse really said). My sister was horrified, scared and decided it was time to call her friend's husband and oldest daughter who confronted her mom about it. My sister's friend immediately went on the defensive and convinced her husband that she "just needed to gain a little weight and she'll be fine." And...he accepted it because I think it's gone on so long that her family just kind of let's her be crazy because they can't get her to go into treatment, see a therapist and really get better.
I'm so sorry that this is so negative but I know this will be hard for you. Anorexia is such a strange, scary mental illness and I really hope you can get through to her. Her husband has probably just convinced himself that she's okay because he's lived with it for so long. I know my friends husband just doesn't really see it as that bad because it's always been that way. I think the fact that she used to be muscular is a good thing and maybe you can work with her on that end that she needs to build some muscle mass. Hopefully, you can get her to understand that her hair falling out and the other syotoms she's having are all related to her weight. ((hugs)) to you and prayers-this really sucks and again I'm sorry. I know you're scared and heart-broken. Good luck and I hope it goes well.
|
|
peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,895
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
|
Post by peabay on Aug 14, 2014 10:53:16 GMT
Anorexia is a disease of control. You making any attempt to control her further will be met with resistance and, likely, complete estrangement. I think it's okay if you say "I'm concerned" but what more are you going to say? "Eat more?" "Get treatment?" She's heard those things for years and hasn't done them. Reconnect, reestablish a relationship and then you might start making gentle inroads on this insidious disease. If you want to be sure to never be in her life again, go in there like gangbusters. That'll do the trick.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 9, 2024 18:20:45 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 14, 2014 11:08:59 GMT
I'm so sorry. I can't imagine watching someone I love going through something like this.
I think trying to reestablish and strengthen your relationship is the best way to go, even though it will be very difficult to say nothing.
|
|
MaryC
Full Member
Posts: 213
Jun 25, 2014 21:52:55 GMT
|
Post by MaryC on Aug 14, 2014 13:27:04 GMT
If you go in expecting a confrontation, that's exactly what you will have, and it will likely push your sister even further away.
I know it's sad and terrifying, but sometimes there is literally nothing you can do but love them. It's like having a family member who is an alcoholic or drug addict - until they reach the point where they can acknowledge there is a problem and they need help, your concern falls on deaf ears. I've watched one family member destroy his life through alcohol, and another who is slowly killing himself with food, and the feeling of being helpless doesn't sit well at all. The bottom line, sadly, is we can't live their lives for them or force them to get help, even if the disease is killing them.
Be her sister, not her doctor, her priest or her judge. She already has people in her life to fill those roles.
|
|
scrappinmama
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,022
Jun 26, 2014 12:54:09 GMT
|
Post by scrappinmama on Aug 14, 2014 13:36:04 GMT
Is there any way you can consult a professional about how to address your sister's problem? I'm so sorry. It must be hard to see her wither away.
|
|
|
Post by utmr on Aug 14, 2014 13:37:17 GMT
Unless you are in a position to force her into treatment against her will and keep her there (patent, spouse, or threatening harm to self or others), as I see it you have two options.
Confront her. Then you can stand at the funeral home smugly telling everyone "I told her so".
Or you can work to rebuild a relationship with her and hope that she will regain enough trust in you to reach out for help.
It's a disease. You cannot argue with a disease using logic. You have to sneak up on it and gently get her away from it. Eating disorders are viscous things. Hard to beat.
|
|
J u l e e
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,531
Location: Cincinnati
Jun 28, 2014 2:50:47 GMT
|
Post by J u l e e on Aug 14, 2014 13:59:10 GMT
She knows she's sick. And she knows you know she's sick. She may even, at some level, enjoy the horrified looks everyone is exchanging. However, she is not going to like anyone trying to gain access to her so she can be "shown the evil of her ways". There is an underlying reason that you may never know.
I've shared that I struggled with eating/food issues in the past. I hit my worst when I was going through a divorce in my late 20s. I remember my entire family coming to my house one evening, under the guise of "hanging out" which we never ever did, so I felt the ambush. I did not appreciate their concern shared that way. None of them wanted to just be my sister, or my mother, or my brother. They just wanted to tell me how unhealthy I was. I was screaming inside, I KNOW, YOU IDIOTS! I KNOW! But I just smiled and nodded and then shut the door behind them as they left with more resolve to heal my pain the way I was good at doing it.
Please just love her as a person. With everything she's got. Be in her life for more than this one day where you want to make sure your concern for her health is stated. She may let down her guard and let you in over time. She may not. But you cannot force your way into what she's got going on. Not after this long. It does not work that way. However, plain old unconditional love can move mountains.
ETA - I wanted to add that I am sorry. None of the options seems like great ones. I get that too. I am sorry you are on the other end of this with your sister. It's really a nightmare for everyone.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 9, 2024 18:20:45 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 14, 2014 14:00:35 GMT
I don't agree with this. If your sister is going to die from anorexia, it's time to pull out all the stops. Go to her husband first, grab all the rest of the family, and head over there and get her to treatment facility. Your sister is ill. She is battling a demon. She needs help. Do everything you can. Getting the family together to confront her would not go well. She would just nod and thank us, then withdraw. I'm hoping that I can gently get my concern across to her, without her closing off. My SIL is the same age as my sister, 55. I'm going to tell her about my SIL's cancer diagnosis, mention that I'm having mammograms, and have to start having colonoscopys this year, and inquire about my sister's current medical care. Then go from there.
|
|
|
Post by piapea on Aug 14, 2014 14:13:58 GMT
Honestly, I would work on a relationship first, and after that has been re established work on the anorexia. If you bring it up during this meeting, the next time you see her may be at the funeral home. It is sad and it is scary, but you aren't going to make her change her behavior with anything you have to say right now. Show her you love her and build something back between the two of you before you share how afraid and sad you are of losing her. I agree. She needs someone to just love her. Sit and reminisce. Laugh about old times. Hug her and make plans for another visit. Repeat until she is very comfortable. Then ask about her health. Don't push your concerns.
|
|
|
Post by joyfromny on Aug 14, 2014 14:20:59 GMT
No advise just some prayers and hugs to you.
|
|