homework battles: whiney kid

I think it's just standard for that some kids in that age group. The best thing you can do is not be available to serve as an audience.
Find a spot for him to do his homework where it's just him,
give a clear expectation if he starts dragging his feet and is about to miss something "dinner will be ready in five minutes, you can join is as soon as you're done here"
And most of all, be very matter of fact, don't engage when he's whining, and stick to your guns. When they figure out that a. You're not even listening while they whine and b. life is going on without them until they're finished....it usually gets them moving

I completely agree with this. I used to try and reason with my kids. I finally got fed up and told them to get it done and shut the door. The drama stopped almost instantly.

My daughter had so much homework grades 1-4 and it is a constant battle. I am dreading this year when she enters the new 5/6 school as I know it is going to get harder. Maybe I am living in the dark ages but I feel like with all the homework and stress they put on these kids they will be burned out by high school.

I teach fifth grade and hear parents from two different side of this. One parent is concerned I don't give enough and another is concerned I give too much. In my class, home is unfinished work started during class. Many kids finish it in class and some don't. I know my high school senior has hours and hours of work every night. In elementary he finished all but about 15 minutes of it so that part was easy for me. He stayed in my classroom to finish it before he played. Perhaps you can give DS the choice of playing first. Some kids need this. If he can play for an hour and then start his work, he might have some of the wiggles worked out after sitting all day in school. Sometimes kids do better when they have choices and feel they have more control. Maybe anything that makes him feel like he has the power or control of how or when it gets done would help. Good luck.

I'd stop treading lightly with grandma. You are allowing her feelings to supercede his. That makes him unimportant. Tell her she is welcome. School work not assigned by his teacher will not be tolerated. PERIOD. 

eta: my dad's mom was a retired school teacher. EVERY trip to see her involved school work. I dreaded it immensely. Talk to your mom about what she wants her grandson to remember about her... that she loved him and he had fun with her. Or that she was his most disliked teacher from his childhood. She can't have both positions. Put the onus on her to decide which way she wants him to remember her after she has passed. 

have you considered having him have music on while doing homework? Both my sons (18 and 11) are able to focus on getting tedious things done more efficiently and without so much struggle if they have music on or in their ears.

I on the other hand find it totally distracting.

Ps as difficult as it is, I would tell grandma to be grandma and stop the workbook badgering.

Many are burned out by high school.  My daughter graduated high school in 2001 and is now a high school science teacher.  She says her freshmen have no desire to even be in school now.  My son graduated this year and he doesn't even want to go on to college because he's so burned out from school.  We're compromising on him by letting him go to community college instead of the state university he was accepted to.  (DD graduated from a University of California in 4 years, as did most of her friends.)  The biggest difference in the twelve years between them is the amount of homework assigned at the elementary school and the fact that every learning expectation was moved up at least a year.  My DD had very little homework in the primary years, usually only an occasional project such as a book report or group project.  My DS had nightly homework starting in kindergarten.  I'm sorry, but in the primary years, homework just requires too much parental involvement and too much conflict.  Plus, teaching methods have changed a lot since the parents were in school.  DH & I are both college graduates and we couldn't help DS with his math.  If he didn't catch it in school, homework was impossible because all the methods and terminology changed.  We would try to show him the way we knew how to do it, then he would get mad because we were doing it "wrong".  It was ridiculous.  

Those teacher grandparents could accomplish the same thing in such a better way and they should know better. It would be so much better if they took on a meaningful project with their grandchild that reinforced the skills they are trying to teach:

Planning a garden then planting it (There's could be a lot of computation and measurement involved such as area, perimeter, arrays, etc.)
Building something (measurement and fractions)
Cooking (measurement and fractions)
Creating a Family History Book (reading and writing)
Planning a Party (organizing ideas, computation, working with money amounts)

I think children are more apt to be engaged and enthusiastic while working on authentic projects and it would be such a better way to build a relationship with a grandchild - much better than giving them a workbook!

Here's how I would solve the homework whining for regular homework. I would meet with my child and tell him that the whining is stressing everyone out and it is a bad and ineffective habit. Then I would institute a new policy to take effect immediately. I would look over the homework and determine a reasonable time for completion. Honestly, as a 5th grade teacher, I don't think a child in elementary school should have more than 30 minutes of homework per night and middle school should be no more than an hour. I would set the timer and give my child 3 "I need help tickets". Those "I need help" tickets could be used to request my (or whichever person he chooses to ask) attention/assistance with the homework. He would have to surrender a ticket each time my attention to the homework was requested. If it was a request for help, I'd help. If it was simply to complain, great, but that still costs a ticket. If he is legitimately asking for help and still doesn't understand it after three attempts then it is time for me to contact the teacher and request additional help. If he is just complaining, okay but... here's the deal. Once the tickets are used up they are used up. He must continue on by himself. If the timer goes off before he is done with the homework then he is "done for the night". He brushes his teeth, washes his face, puts on his PJs, and goes to bed. (You could take pity on him and give him a sandwich first I suppose). Jot a note for your child's teacher so he/she knows what's going on. Do not make it your battle.

Sure many people will think these measures are draconian and I am a horrible person. That's okay. I guarantee if you institute this policy and stick to it, in most cases the whining and carrying on will cease after about three episodes of being "done for the night". (Again, if it is a case of your child being unable to complete the work because he doesn't understand it rather than whining to avoid doing something that he finds unpleasant or simply engaging you in a power struggle, then this plan is inappropriate. Instead you must pursue it with the teacher and get some additional help.) This policy will be hard to enforce, but parenting is often hard. Holding kids accountable for their behavior is hard. Assigning fair, but unpleasant consequences for ineffective/inappropriate behavior is hard. Raising your child to be a happy, positive, hard working, successful child is hard. But it's your responsibility and the rewards are awesome!

Unless he is having problems in school with the subject the workbook is on, I'd tell Mom that this is not acceptable. There is no reason she should feel like she has the right to force or bribe him to do school over the summer unless you have asked her to do so. I know dealing with parents is hard, but I'd "get into it" with her over this since it will affect the way your son feels about her and time spent with her now and in the future.

My son was a chronic foot dragger when he was in public school. One day it occurred to me that, given he learned best seeing rather than hearing, I needed to show him how much time he was wasting whining.  I set a stop watch on the counter that evening and every time he opened his mouth to whine, I turned the stopwatch on. When he finally completed the simple worksheet, I showed him how much time he had wasted whining. This got his attention, so I then timed him actually sitting down and working from start to finish on a worksheet, and showed him how long he had taken. He was able to see that it would take him less time to do the entire day's worth of homework than he had spent whining. This made more of an impression on him than all my lecturing and nagging could have ever done.

After that, we often made a game out of me timing him doing his work, then checking his accuracy. He loved competing against himself and I shamelessly exploited his competitive nature. LOl

Marcy