pridemom
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Post by pridemom on Feb 16, 2017 19:21:35 GMT
Update: SIL is going to take her son next weekend. As it should be.
I was conflicted over my strong feelings that SIL needed to step up and carry her son through this vs. feeling like I was being selfish. There is a lot of history with her choices and behavior over the last 22 years. I am relieved that she chose to do what is right (although inconvenient, but isn't that what parenting is about?) and not push off yet another responsibility onto us.
OP:
MIL has started hospice and we are taking our kids to see her this weekend. DH's sister asked if we'd taker her 14yo son with us.
History: They had been estranged for 10 years due to SIL's behavior. During that time she was not a parent. Her xH was great with allowing us visits and we would take him with us to visit the grands every time we drove the ten hour trip. SIL is finally trying to be a parent but nephew has many emotional scars from her.
We have four kids and I anticipate my girls will be struggling to see grandma so weak and frail. They are fully able to sit at the nursing home and wait. Nephew has ADHD and cannot sit still. He is on heavy duty meds for behaviors. He has acted out and physically threatened his step mother and little half sister.
I do not feel like I can deal with nephew in these circumstances and believe his mother needs to step up and be the parent. I felt horrible telling DH this, but it's how I feel. We can FaceTime so he can participate.
WWYD?
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Post by kernriver on Feb 16, 2017 19:27:19 GMT
Take him with you. None of this is his fault. You can deal with it.
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scorpeao
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Jun 25, 2014 21:04:54 GMT
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Post by scorpeao on Feb 16, 2017 19:32:29 GMT
Take him with you. Give him the chance to say goodbye to his grandmother.
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mallie
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Post by mallie on Feb 16, 2017 19:32:30 GMT
If you truly feel you cannot deal with his behavior in this situation, you would only be doing everyone a disservice to take him.
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Post by papersilly on Feb 16, 2017 19:32:55 GMT
take him.
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Post by llinin on Feb 16, 2017 19:45:19 GMT
I understand why you would feel torn, your SIL Is putting you in a tough spot. Usually I am all about the family, help out whenever you can, all that stuff. But, in this instance, I wouldn't take him unless your husband is absolutely insistent on it. Your focus needs to be on caring for your DH and your children and saying goodbye to your MIL. There will be no do overs. If your nephew acts out, it could really be ugly and color the last memories your family gets to make with MIL.
Your posts are always very levelheaded. Based on that, you don't strike me as someone who would debate not taking him if you didn't have a good reason. Trust your gut!
Is nephew close to MIL? If so, SIL should get him there.
Hope your MIL is comfortable and your visit brings some peace for you all.
Laura
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Post by scrapperal on Feb 16, 2017 19:46:17 GMT
How was nephew on the previous trips? Was he able to handle the drive and overnight stay (I am assuming you stayed overnight for such a long drive) or did you need to devote a lot of time to attend to his needs? If he was okay on previous trips, I'd say take him. If you needed to devote a lot of your time to him instead of your daughters, then my answer changes.
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Post by tuva42 on Feb 16, 2017 19:49:12 GMT
Wow, 10 hours there and 10 hours back in one weekend. That's a lot of driving. On the one hand, I would not want to take a 14-year-old with serious issues on a trip that long, but on the other hand, if he loves his grandmother, I wouldn't want to deny him the opportunity. Does SIL not want to say goodbye to her own mother?
Boy, I'm useless for advice, aren't I.
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schizo319
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Post by schizo319 on Feb 16, 2017 19:55:12 GMT
This is your DH's Mom and sister, so he should have the last word. Tell him how you're feeling overwhelmed at the idea of trying to control your nephew in this situation, and ask HIM to step up and take responsibility for your nephew so you are free to focus on your girls. To leave him (nephew) out because of his mother's lack of parenting isn't fair to him or your MIL. It sounds like the kid needs you guys - be there for him.
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Deleted
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May 18, 2024 21:44:17 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2017 19:55:26 GMT
If you truly feel you cannot deal with his behavior in this situation, you would only be doing everyone a disservice to take him. I completely agree. |
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pridemom
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Post by pridemom on Feb 16, 2017 20:03:27 GMT
Nephew is not close to MIL. His mom has been stepping up lately and my hope is that she will do what's right and do this for her son. She and DH talked at great length last weekend because he drove her up with him to visit their mom. She is trying to be the parent she needs to be. I don't want to make it easy for her not to be responsible for doing this.
With my health I don't think I can manage him, although DH does a great job with him, he's exhausted and weary from helping his elderly parents through this whole ordeal. He gets snappy when he's stressed and I can see the toll it's taken in him. He's lost 35 pounds since the fall and our doctor thinks it's stress related.
We will be there for two day between driving. It's still a short turn around but That's the breaks.
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Post by kristi on Feb 16, 2017 20:17:48 GMT
Based on what you have said, I wouldn't take him. Your husband is stressed & the weekend/long drive will be stressful enough. If the mom or ex husband want to take him, they can.
Since he & your MIL are not close & he cannot sit still - I think you should focus on your husband & kids.
Sorry your family is going through this.
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Post by anonrefugee on Feb 16, 2017 20:19:32 GMT
How old are all the kids?
I'm sorry, you're in a tough spot without a perfect solution. In that case, I think you should minimize stress and the possibility for failure and leave nephew with his mother. FaceTime is a good idea.
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Post by Zee on Feb 16, 2017 20:22:57 GMT
I wouldn't want to take him at all, but I'd feel too guilty if I didn't (in light of the fact that you used to include him).
So, I'd bring him with and try to be as positive with him as I could. I'm sure he needs it.
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CeeScraps
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Post by CeeScraps on Feb 16, 2017 20:23:01 GMT
We wouldn't be able to take an extra person as we don't have a large enough vehicle.
If you have space, I'd take him. He needs to know prior to getting into the car with you what your expectations are. He will need to be reminded and consequences. So, that would have to be a conversation with your dh.
Talk to your girls too. Let them know what expectations you have for them. That's a long round trip for a weekend.
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pridemom
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Post by pridemom on Feb 16, 2017 20:26:37 GMT
He's 14. My kids are 15, 17, 19, 21. My kids are very close to their grandma and if the recent church funerals we've been through are any indication, they will need us. DS is the quiet type and if he talks, you have to listen right then. I feel like I haven't been able to express my own emotions because I've been trying to prepare everyone else, convince DH that hospice is the right thing, make sure the kids have funeral attire, etc.
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Post by mikklynn on Feb 16, 2017 20:39:37 GMT
This is your DH's Mom and sister, so he should have the last word. Tell him how you're feeling overwhelmed at the idea of trying to control your nephew in this situation, and ask HIM to step up and take responsibility for your nephew so you are free to focus on your girls. To leave him (nephew) out because of his mother's lack of parenting isn't fair to him or your MIL. It sounds like the kid needs you guys - be there for him. I didn't know what to say, but you did. I like this and agree. |
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Post by anonrefugee on Feb 16, 2017 20:42:56 GMT
He's 14. My kids are 15, 17, 19, 21. My girls are very close to their grandma and if the recent church funerals we've been through are any indication, they will need us. DS is the quiet type and if he talks, you have to listen right then. I feel like I haven't been able to express my own emotions because I've been trying to prepare everyone else, convince DH that hospice is the right thing, make sure the kids have funeral attire, etc. It's so hard to get kids that age (young adults) together -that would be another factor for me concentrating on my immediate family. A lot of issues can come up in 20 hours of car ride and you don't want someone to feel they can't open up. |
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pridemom
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Post by pridemom on Feb 16, 2017 20:43:25 GMT
I appreciate the responses. We will talk more tonight.
I hate this whole situation. Adulting sucks.
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blue tulip
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Post by blue tulip on Feb 16, 2017 20:46:47 GMT
I'm sorry if I misunderstood you, but you said DH and his sister talked last weekend when he drive to see their mom? Isn't that the MIL? Why didn't she bring her son at that time?
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Post by shutterbug2sue on Feb 16, 2017 20:46:53 GMT
Nephew is not close to MIL. Based on this, I'd not be bringing him. You have enough emotional things to deal with right now. You are not responsible to bring closure to his torn relationships.
I personally would not be able to keep it all together for that long based on all you've provided. You need to grieve and find your peace with the upcoming loss, too.
In the future, I'd continue with visiting/doing things with the nephew. Maybe you could plant a shrub/tree/flower in her memory and have him there for that.
Hugs to you!
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momto4kiddos
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Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Feb 16, 2017 20:49:22 GMT
Just wondering if SIL went with dh to see mother why is she not doing this herself? I had first assumed they were still on bad terms. Honestly i'd probably leave this one to dh because he's under so much stress already. I'd tell him you think it's a lot on your family/kids to have nephew also (never mind it's something his mother should be doing), but then i'd leave the final decision to him.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Feb 16, 2017 20:55:03 GMT
He's 14. My kids are 15, 17, 19, 21. My kids are very close to their grandma and if the recent church funerals we've been through are any indication, they will need us. DS is the quiet type and if he talks, you have to listen right then. I feel like I haven't been able to express my own emotions because I've been trying to prepare everyone else, convince DH that hospice is the right thing, make sure the kids have funeral attire, etc. At those ages there's no way I wouldn't take my nephew. Is this going to be painful weekend for everyone - of course. But your kids are not babies. They shouldn't require so much care that their cousin can't say goodbye to his dying grandmother. |
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pridemom
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Post by pridemom on Feb 16, 2017 21:02:21 GMT
I'm sorry if I misunderstood you, but you said DH and his sister talked last weekend when he drive to see their mom? Isn't that the MIL? Why didn't she bring her son at that time? FIL called on Thursday and asked DH and his sister to come the next day. SIL does not have custody and I don't know if she asked her xH about taking her son. From my last conversation with the stepmom, I don't think they'd say no if she asked. |
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Post by berty on Feb 16, 2017 21:14:50 GMT
I feel really torn, too. I understand wanting to help your innocent nephew and wanting to be there for your family as well as grieving yourself. My question is can the boy's mother come along? Everyone going together would help her with the driving, etc but still allow her to be there to take care of her son.
Whatever you and your husband decide, I'd like to second the earlier suggestion of keeping the boy part of your life going forward. It sounds like the stability you and your family provide would be really good for him.
I'm so sorry your family is dealing with this tough situation. (((Hugs)))
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pridemom
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Post by pridemom on Feb 16, 2017 21:29:42 GMT
I feel really torn, too. I understand wanting to help your innocent nephew and wanting to be there for your family as well as grieving yourself. My question is can the boy's mother come along? Everyone going together would help her with the driving, etc but still allow her to be there to take care of her son. Whatever you and your husband decide, I'd like to second the earlier suggestion of keeping the boy part of your life going forward. It sounds like the stability you and your family provide would be really good for him. I'm so sorry your family is dealing with this tough situation. (((Hugs))) He's totally part of our lives. He's over regularly and he's very close to our youngest. Part of my hesitation is we just don't have much room for extra passengers. We have to take inflatable beds, bedding, and food for my oldest daughter because she eats gluten free and their tiny farming community offers one tiny grocery store that is unlikely to carry things for her. Our van is cramped with just us. SIL is welcome to follow us up and my kids can help her with driving. |
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Post by librarylady on Feb 16, 2017 21:30:40 GMT
Tough no matter what.
From the ages of your children--they are all adult size, plus you and spouse = 6 adults in the car already.
Unless you have a giant car, it sounds full to me already. You are adding another person who is adult sized. Too crowded for me for such a long road trip.
Is there anyway your husband, his sister and the nephew can go on the following weekend?
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Post by runner5 on Feb 16, 2017 22:04:56 GMT
My heart goes out to you. I wish there was an easy answer. I'm so sorry for all the struggles you've had lately.
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msliz
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Post by msliz on Feb 16, 2017 23:25:48 GMT
Has anyone asked the kid if he even wants to go?
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Post by pierkiss on Feb 16, 2017 23:30:35 GMT
If this is going to be the last time your children and your husband are going to be with his mother before she dies, no I would not take him. Especially after reading about his issues. His mother should be the one to take him.
I would feel horribly guilty enacting that decision. However it would also be incredibly important to me and my husband that our children get a peaceful chance to say goodbye to their grandmother. That my husband have a peaceful chance to say goodbye to his mother.
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