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Post by seikashaven on Feb 21, 2017 0:10:57 GMT
Blah. I know I'm way overthinking this and that there is probably a very simple solution right in front of me. However, I have weird social anxiety and suck at most female relationships so i thought I'd ask the Peas to show me the light. Help solve my petty little problem.
Background:
"Sally" and I have known each other about 8 years. We were in the same church community and have many of the same acquaintances. She is still heavily involved in that community and I am not (for reasons that are not known to her). At one point we were very friendly with each other due to similar commitments and we were pregnant with our oldest children at the same time. However, the more time I spent with her, the more I came to realize that I didn't really enjoy her. I found her to be quite narrow-minded and judgmental about issues I care about and her insecurity could be exhausting. She was constantly worried she'd offended me etc. When I left the church, I did so quietly and without explanation (the reasons are more my husband's than my own and I don't feel I have the right to share his business without his input). I stayed friendly with her and other mutual friends on social media. She made efforts to reach out to me occasionally, but I often felt like she was treating me like a charity case or a "backslidden Christian" and I responded politely but was disinterested in sharing why I left the church and we did not get together. She once tried to arrange a play date which I truly did not want to do and though I declined politely, she made a huge deal asking if I was mad at her or if she had offended me etc. She had not and I wished her and her family the best. She's still my friend on social media and someone I'd chit chat with in the grocery store.
Now:
Two weeks ago I picked up a paintbrush for the first time since high school. I made a little watercolor of flowers with my preschooler's paints and it turned out pretty cute. I was proud of my beginner effort and posted it on social media. This morning Sally sent me a message saying she saw my watercolor on social media, she loved it and would I make her one (she offered to pay me). I do not want to do this. I have no idea how to tell her I don't want to do this without offending her.
I'm clueless about painting and selling a piece seems pretentious to me because I'm not an artist, I'm not using quality materials and I have no idea what an appropriate amount to charge would be. If she were an actual friend I would likely offer to make her one for free. If I tell her I'm not interested because I'm totally not an artist, she will just compliment me more and reissue her request.
I have a preschooler and a 3 month old. My time to work on artsy things that are not my own is super limited. I don't want to use my valuable time on something for a person I'm not particularly fond of. If I tell her I don't have time she will just tell me to work on it whenever and to take my time.
If I tell her straight up I'm not interested, she will be hurt and take it personally. In exactly the same way she made a huge deal of declining a play date. She's also close friends with some of my acquaintances and I don't want her telling people how rude or hurtful I am since I'd like to stay friendly with those people.
I feel way more conflicted about this silly matter than I should. My nerves are admittedly on edge because my 3 month old DD just spent the last week in hospital fighting for her life with a particularly nasty case of RSV. I don't like Sally but I don't want to hurt her. I'm annoyed with myself for not knowing how to bow out gracefully.
Help me be an adult and decline this.
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AllieC
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,059 
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Post by AllieC on Feb 21, 2017 0:15:40 GMT
I would just say something like "Oh I'm just messing around at the moment, I have no plans to sell anything". Keep it simple  |
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lindas
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,168
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Post by lindas on Feb 21, 2017 0:19:39 GMT
I'm a bit confused as to why you remain friends with her on social media yet you say you don't like her. Tell her you just don't have the time then unfriend her on Facebook.
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Post by Sam on Feb 21, 2017 0:21:38 GMT
I just pretend I never saw the massage when this crap occurs with someone I am no longer in touch with. That probably doesn't help your guilty mind, but I can tell you it lets me sleep well at night!  If you don't like her and don't keep in touch, why do you care how she will react? However, if you DO feel the need to pander to her, just repeadt what you said here (pretty much). You are flattered by her misplaced interest, but you have had some major issues that require your attention and so have decided to shelve your artistic forays for a while, tell her you are really amazed that she liked it and that will stay with you when dealing with what you need to take care of as a priority. After that, don't bother opening her messages. |
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Post by seikashaven on Feb 21, 2017 0:22:10 GMT
I'm a bit confused as to why you remain friends with her on social media yet you say you don't like her. Tell her you just don't have the time then unfriend her on Facebook. Fair enough. My logic is that I don't particularly enjoy her, but I don't hate her. We have a large circle of friends in common and excluding only her felt more like a direct snub than just keeping our interactions polite but superficial. |
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Post by jenb72 on Feb 21, 2017 0:25:31 GMT
You're right - you're overthinking. But I can understand because I've been known to fall into the same trap.
"I really just paint for my own enjoyment, not to sell anything. But thank you so much for the compliment!"
If she's offended, so be it. That's on her. You can't control how she feels nor should you feel responsible for her possible overreaction.
Jen
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Post by realm on Feb 21, 2017 0:25:57 GMT
How about saying something like "Oh thank you, I'm glad you liked it but I was just playing around and this was a one-off, if I decide to do another one I will let you know." And then don't.
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AmandaA
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,502
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Post by AmandaA on Feb 21, 2017 0:25:58 GMT
Ugh, adult relationships can be so difficult to navigate. I would just politely decline (and express your flattery) and perhaps offer an explanation that you are not an "artist" & that it is something you just do for yourself as a hobby/stress reliever/etc. If she is not aware of your child's recent medical problems, you might also offer that as further reason why you are not looking to make art for sale right now. If you can do that politely and sincerely, I don't see how she could relay it as being rude or hurtful.
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Dalai Mama
Drama Llama
La Pea Boheme
Posts: 6,985
Jun 26, 2014 0:31:31 GMT
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Post by Dalai Mama on Feb 21, 2017 0:27:16 GMT
"Dear Sally, I was just experimenting with the paints after not using them for ages. I don't really feel confident enough to create something for you. Thanks so much for your encouragement, though."
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caangel
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,478
Location: So Cal
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Post by caangel on Feb 21, 2017 0:30:36 GMT
I would say something a long the line of "Thanks for the sweet compliment. Right now painting is just a stress reliever for me. If I ever decide to do more with it I'll let you know. I'm sure you can find some wonderful artists on Etsy. Take care!"
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Post by Moochiemama on Feb 21, 2017 0:32:46 GMT
I would tell her thank you for the compliment however it's not something that you really do on a regular basis as you don't have time with the small children in the house and leave it at that.
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Post by Really Red on Feb 21, 2017 0:45:54 GMT
That's so sweet of you, Sally! Thanks for the compliment. My baby has been sick and I've got my hands full with the two little ones, and I was just messing around with my toddler's watercolors. Your compliment made my day, but I think I'll remain a casual painter.
There's no reason to be harsh.
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Post by Belia on Feb 21, 2017 0:48:11 GMT
Lots of good suggestions here that would definitely work! I was thinking along the same lines- "Aren't you sweet! I was just messing around that day with some old materials and it doesn't look like I'm going to have time to pick it up again for a while. I'll keep you posted if I do!"
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Post by deekaye on Feb 21, 2017 0:49:10 GMT
You need to decline in a way that she won't be able to come back with an option. If you say that you aren't good enough, she'll say yes you are... if you say you don't have time, she'll say just take your time...if you say you were just messing around, that still leaves it open to mess around another time to make something for her.
You need to be pleasant but leave no opening and then move on to something else: "Oh, thanks so much for the kind words. I only paint for myself, just for fun. Hey, how is little Sally doing in preschool?"
She might be offended, or she might not. It really isn't your problem.
(And good thoughts for you and your baby. RSV is tough to deal with!)
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Post by AussieMeg on Feb 21, 2017 1:00:07 GMT
"I really just paint for my own enjoyment, not to sell anything. But thank you so much for the compliment!" I really like the above wording. You wouldn't be giving her any false hope and leaving the door open to maybe being able to do something in the future. She sounds like the kind of person who is not going to give up, so if you said something like "I'm not ready to sell anything yet" she's likely to keep coming back to you to see when you are ready! I also wouldn't use your sick child as an excuse as to why you can't paint anything for her. Next thing you know she'll be on your doorstep with a pot of chicken soup! I think she is trying to rekindle the "friendship", and has used the whole painting thing as a foothold back into your life. Don't let her in! Perhaps you need to block her from seeing your posts on FB if you don't feel comfortable with unfriending her (yet). |
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Post by librarylady on Feb 21, 2017 1:05:41 GMT
Oh, Sally--I just paint for fun. If I were to try to make something for someone else, it would take the joy out of the project. I'd worry about disappointing you etc., so I have made it a rule that I will only make/paint things for myself.
You were kind to ask.
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Post by bdhudak on Feb 21, 2017 1:11:35 GMT
Facebook is not an obligation for you, you are polite when you see her in person you mentioned. You can block or unfriend her, Facebook is for entertainment and unwinding not to cause stress.
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Post by seikashaven on Feb 21, 2017 1:41:38 GMT
"I really just paint for my own enjoyment, not to sell anything. But thank you so much for the compliment!" I really like the above wording. You wouldn't be giving her any false hope and leaving the door open to maybe being able to do something in the future. She sounds like the kind of person who is not going to give up, so if you said something like "I'm not ready to sell anything yet" she's likely to keep coming back to you to see when you are ready! I also wouldn't use your sick child as an excuse as to why you can't paint anything for her. Next thing you know she'll be on your doorstep with a pot of chicken soup! I think she is trying to rekindle the "friendship", and has used the whole painting thing as a foothold back into your life. Don't let her in! Perhaps you need to block her from seeing your posts on FB if you don't feel comfortable with unfriending her (yet). Thank you for seeing that's she's likely to look for a loophole. I suck at this stuff. I either play dead (ignore) or respond way too directly (and come across as a total bitch). The wording above seems like a happy medium. |
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Post by annabella on Feb 21, 2017 3:31:36 GMT
Other people gave you good advice on the painting so I want to address the other issue. I think you are overthinking it, she may not be itching to know why you left the church. Maybe you attend another church. Maybe you don't have time on Sundays anymore or got busy and need that rest day. Just because you don't like her doesn't mean she has any clue why you're grown apart so it's puzzling to her and she's just naturally reaching out on the assumption you like her too. Doesn't matter if you have mutual friends, the only clear way to send a message for her to not contact you again is to delete her.
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J u l e e
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,531
Location: Cincinnati
Jun 28, 2014 2:50:47 GMT
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Post by J u l e e on Feb 21, 2017 3:45:59 GMT
I would just say something like "Oh I'm just messing around at the moment, I have no plans to sell anything". Keep it simple Yes. Something like this where she can't come back and argue your answer (maybe even take out 'at the moment' so she can't ask for a future moment). That's one of my pet peeves by the way - people who feel the need to push back on an answer they don't like. I'm not comfortable - oh come on, you're great! I don't have much time to paint - don't worry, do it whenever you can. I don't want to charge for something I was playing around with - don't be silly, name a price. I'm sorry to hear about your daughter. I hope everything is okay! |
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Post by Zee on Feb 21, 2017 4:23:09 GMT
I would say something a long the line of "Thanks for the sweet compliment. Right now painting is just a stress reliever for me. If I ever decide to do more with it I'll let you know. I'm sure you can find some wonderful artists on Etsy. Take care!" I was thinking along these lines as well. Something along the lines of this being something you enjoy to relieve stress, but if you made a job of it it wouldn't be relaxing anymore, you hope she understands, good day, blah blah. Telling her to check etsy is a good idea. |
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Post by sunnyd on Feb 21, 2017 4:32:05 GMT
Ugh, I completely understand your overthinking it! I have a similar situation going on right now. I bake treats for close friend's and family's special occasions, weddings, etc. when it fits into my busy schedule. They pay me for it to cover my expenses and time but it's totally a hobby. I recently made something special for a church acquaintance, not a friend. We work in the same church organization and the group was doing dinners for her as she just had a baby. I recently took a class on a specific dessert technique & I wanted to try it out so I signed up to make the dessert for her dinner. It turned out stunning to be honest, lol. When I delivered it to her she was unimpressed and said, "oh, I've seen people make that on facebook." Next day she sends me a FB message with no further thanks or compliment just, "can you come and teach our ladies church group how to do that?" I can't decide if I should link her to the class I took or play dumb & tell her I was just messing around & to google some youtube videos on the technique, tell her to go see it on facebook like she mentioned, or ignore her. I also can't pinpoint why her request bugs me so much but I'm definitely not teaching her or her friends how to do it.  |
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Peamac
Pearl Clutcher
Refupea # 418
Posts: 4,218
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Post by Peamac on Feb 21, 2017 5:03:43 GMT
First of all, (((hugs))) to you for having a DD in the hospital with RSV- how scary! I'm so glad she's doing better. Secondly, kudos to you for thinking through what her probable responses would be to your reasons for not doing a painting for her. Not everyone can process what someone's reactions could be ahead of time. Thirdly, this thread is useless without pictures! I think we need to see this lovely painting of yours!  |
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PaperAngel
Drama Llama
Posts: 7,388
Jun 27, 2014 23:04:06 GMT
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Post by PaperAngel on Feb 21, 2017 5:38:19 GMT
I regret the amount of time spent overanalyzing & strategizing responses in these types of situations. My suggested reply is, "Thanks for the message. Unfortunately, I cannot accomodate your request. Take care." HTH & a prayers for your infant. ETA: sunnyd I also suggest the same reply to your acquaintance. Best wishes... |
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Kerri W
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,772
Location: Kentucky
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Post by Kerri W on Feb 21, 2017 11:53:57 GMT
I would just say something like "Oh I'm just messing around at the moment, I have no plans to sell anything". Keep it simple Yes. Something like this where she can't come back and argue your answer (maybe even take out 'at the moment' so she can't ask for a future moment). That's one of my pet peeves by the way - people who feel the need to push back on an answer they don't like. I'm not comfortable - oh come on, you're great! I don't have much time to paint - don't worry, do it whenever you can. I don't want to charge for something I was playing around with - don't be silly, name a price. I'm sorry to hear about your daughter. I hope everything is okay! Yes! Let their no be no! |
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Feb 21, 2017 12:48:21 GMT
I think she is trying to rekindle the "friendship", and has used the whole painting thing as a foothold back into your life. I kept reading responses waiting for ^^^ this ^^^ one. I don't think it has anything to do with the painting. It's simply an opening she saw to reach out to you. She must want a relationship even if you don't. That said, it's even more important that you respond politely but with finality if you don't want to resume any relationship. |
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Julie W
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,209
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Post by Julie W on Feb 21, 2017 13:10:17 GMT
It seems possible that she still really likes you and wonders what happened. You can either politely decline and keep your distance, or perhaps you might think it's worth it to explain why you stopped doing things with her - you have to decide.
Good luck!
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Post by annabella on Feb 21, 2017 16:02:40 GMT
Ugh, I completely understand your overthinking it! I have a similar situation going on right now. I bake treats for close friend's and family's special occasions, weddings, etc. when it fits into my busy schedule. They pay me for it to cover my expenses and time but it's totally a hobby. I recently made something special for a church acquaintance, not a friend. We work in the same church organization and the group was doing dinners for her as she just had a baby. I recently took a class on a specific dessert technique & I wanted to try it out so I signed up to make the dessert for her dinner. It turned out stunning to be honest, lol. When I delivered it to her she was unimpressed and said, "oh, I've seen people make that on facebook." Next day she sends me a FB message with no further thanks or compliment just, "can you come and teach our ladies church group how to do that?" I can't decide if I should link her to the class I took or play dumb & tell her I was just messing around & to google some youtube videos on the technique, tell her to go see it on facebook like she mentioned, or ignore her. I also can't pinpoint why her request bugs me so much but I'm definitely not teaching her or her friends how to do it. Just say no. Tell her you made the dessert in the class and don't think you're qualified to teach anyone else how to do it. They're better off referring to a youtube how to video. |
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Post by myshelly on Feb 21, 2017 16:20:14 GMT
I just pretend I never saw the massage when this crap occurs with someone I am no longer in touch with. That probably doesn't help your guilty mind, but I can tell you it lets me sleep well at night! If you don't like her and don't keep in touch, why do you care how she will react? However, if you DO feel the need to pander to her, just repeadt what you said here (pretty much). You are flattered by her misplaced interest, but you have had some major issues that require your attention and so have decided to shelve your artistic forays for a while, tell her you are really amazed that she liked it and that will stay with you when dealing with what you need to take care of as a priority. After that, don't bother opening her messages. You do realize the with FB the other person can SEE when you read the message, right? |
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Post by annie on Feb 21, 2017 17:06:42 GMT
Ugh, I completely understand your overthinking it! I have a similar situation going on right now. I bake treats for close friend's and family's special occasions, weddings, etc. when it fits into my busy schedule. They pay me for it to cover my expenses and time but it's totally a hobby. I recently made something special for a church acquaintance, not a friend. We work in the same church organization and the group was doing dinners for her as she just had a baby. I recently took a class on a specific dessert technique & I wanted to try it out so I signed up to make the dessert for her dinner. It turned out stunning to be honest, lol. When I delivered it to her she was unimpressed and said, "oh, I've seen people make that on facebook." Next day she sends me a FB message with no further thanks or compliment just, "can you come and teach our ladies church group how to do that?" I can't decide if I should link her to the class I took or play dumb & tell her I was just messing around & to google some youtube videos on the technique, tell her to go see it on facebook like she mentioned, or ignore her. I also can't pinpoint why her request bugs me so much but I'm definitely not teaching her or her friends how to do it. Grrrr. I'd be super annoyed too. And no way would I teach them lol. She sounds like a real peach! |
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