akkaren
Junior Member
Posts: 75
Jul 16, 2014 5:09:00 GMT
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Post by akkaren on Aug 20, 2014 17:39:08 GMT
I would be annoyed for sure. Why don't you have her come by and take what she wants then take the rest to children's services. Foster care families would very much appreciate it. Karen
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Post by kristalina on Aug 20, 2014 17:39:40 GMT
Yes, I'd be annoyed.
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Post by Skellinton on Aug 20, 2014 17:45:24 GMT
First pregnancy, naive, young, inexperienced, going to regret it later, what ever excise there is; her response was rude. I agree with the posters who suggested you be with her when she goes through the stuff and take back the things she doesn't think she will need. Then you can ask your friends what you should do it with it. Maybe there is a new mother charity you can take the unwanted things to. You were very kind to gather things for her, and your friends were kind to donate items, but I do agree that she is certainly entitled to have her own taste and opinion on what items she wants to keep, but she didn't need to be rude about it.
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LeaP
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,939
Location: Los Angeles, CA where 405 meets 101
Jun 26, 2014 23:17:22 GMT
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Post by LeaP on Aug 20, 2014 17:55:42 GMT
I would be annoyed on my friends' behalf and that I was so stupid and asked a favour of them needlessly. I'd probably just hold on to the stuff until after her shower and she can pull what she wants and then the rest I'd give back to the people who gave it to me so that *they* can take the tax write off on their donations if they choose to donate or in case they have someone else they'd rather give it to. No good deed goes on unpunished, but don't be hurt just be more selective in the future when you do a good deed. It took me multiple situations similar to yours to learn, I feel your pain.
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Aug 20, 2014 18:04:05 GMT
She should be offended to have such a judgmental family member. Her finances or lack of are none of your business. She may have felt put on the spot when you asked about donations and agreed to accept the donations to pacify you. This is her first baby. She is just as entitled to a baby shower and things of her own choosing as someone who is in a great place financially. This, absolutely!
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Post by ajsweetpea on Aug 20, 2014 18:11:55 GMT
The reason I have any clue about her finances is because she approached me and my husband and told me about them. I didn't look at her and say "Oh, she has no money, better get things for her!" She told us she was extremely stressed about money with the baby coming and that is when I asked her if she would like some hand me downs from me and my friends. I certainly never said she wasn't entitled to a baby shower or things she chose on her own. I personally know from experience that I did not get every little thing I needed from my baby shower and I appreciated the extra things I got from people. My intent was genuinely to help her out and I kind of feel like it was for nothing. Just a little down about that but it is okay. My intent was good but probably won't ask for things for her in the future unless she specifically indicates something she wants or needs.
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Post by KiwiJo on Aug 20, 2014 18:14:56 GMT
EVERYONE has off moments, times when they feel a bit low. EVERYONE has times when they say things that aren't phrased as well as they could be. Perhaps you caught her at such a time.
i think it is unfair to judge someone on a small phrase they said during one phone call.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Aug 20, 2014 18:17:35 GMT
This would not have bothered me. I can understand having your own tastes and preferences and not loving or being able to use every single thing donated. Just because everything wasn't used would not stop me from giving other hand-me-downs either. I think as long as she is appreciative, that should be enough.
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Post by sisterbdsq on Aug 20, 2014 18:20:15 GMT
I would tell her since she doesn't feel she wants all of them and would like to chose through them, just give back the stuff she doesn't want so you can return them to the donators. She's a first time mommy, she wants her baby and baby's things to be perfect. Doesn't everyone? Maybe if you go through the things WITH her, you could tell her the merits of having "around the house" clothes for baby so baby is not always in "going out" clothes and she won't be upset if there's spit up and poopy accidents on them. Or the ease of multiples of this or that (especially things she can leave at her mom's or some place she'll go frequently with baby.. She probably could benefit from your guidance.
Oh, and the importance of layettes with a drawstring/snaps rather than pants on an infant. LOL
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Post by ajsweetpea on Aug 20, 2014 18:20:56 GMT
EVERYONE has off moments, times when they feel a bit low. EVERYONE has times when they say things that aren't phrased as well as they could be. Perhaps you caught her at such a time.
i think it is unfair to judge someone on a small phrase they said during one phone call That is very true! Thanks for that perspective. It is very possible she wasn't having a good day and things came out wrong.
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Post by I-95 on Aug 20, 2014 18:37:06 GMT
She should be offended to have such a judgmental family member. Her finances or lack of are none of your business. She may have felt put on the spot when you asked about donations and agreed to accept the donations to pacify you. This is her first baby. She is just as entitled to a baby shower and things of her own choosing as someone who is in a great place financially. I would guess the whole family knows her financial situation and it's not hard to guess when someone is struggling financially, especially if it's a family member. Of course she's entitled to a baby shower, but unless she has a ton of generous friends they're probably not going to be buying her the swing, carseat, crib type gifts. It always fascinates me when people who don't have money run out and buy the fanciest crib, flashiest stroller, designer baby clothes, just because they're 'as good as anyone else'. I would have accepted all the donations and been grateful, no matter what my financial situation. Yes, I would have been miffed at her attitude, especially the 'I'll look through them and give the rest to Goodwill'. That might be what we all do with stuff relatives and friends have given us, but who says that? It doesn't matter how young she is, it doesn't take a genius to say 'thank you so much' and leave it at that.
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Post by I-95 on Aug 20, 2014 18:47:50 GMT
Were you suggesting that the OP had strings attached to her gift? Personally I think people should be grateful for the gifts they're given, wouldn't it be rude not to be? I guess I've never been on the receiving end of a gift that I feel undue obligation to feel grateful for so I'm not sure how giver acts...how does a person act when they're giving a gift that the receiver 'better be grateful' for?
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Post by anonrefugee on Aug 20, 2014 18:54:43 GMT
I understand feeling a little slighted, but you might not be seeing big picture. For all you know she received three giant bags of clothes the same day from other well meaning friends. Or maybe she feels you discussed her situation with your circle of friends and is embarrassed. Or the poor woman could be overwhelmed, freaked our and filled with pregnancy hormones!
There are lots of possibilities, I hope you aren't so hurt you don't continue helping. She's going to need emotional support, not Stuff, before too long.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Sept 28, 2024 15:14:44 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 20, 2014 19:04:27 GMT
I hate when gifts come with strings, especially the "you'd better be grateful" kind. Did she ask you to ask your friends for their used baby things? Maybe she feels that you are being judgmental in deeming her "financially, not in a great place." No, I wouldn't really be upset. I really don't like it when people give me things with expectations or strings attached. It just sets everyone up for stress and disappointment.
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Post by hosschick on Aug 20, 2014 20:19:56 GMT
I can understand why you're annoyed. I would probably still give her the items but ask her to give me back (or let me keep) whatever she doesn't want so that I could return it to my friends.
I received quite a few hand-me-downs and offered everything back to the original owner after I was done. More people took their stuff back than not. Some of it was donated and/or passed along to someone else, but only with the original owner's blessing.
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Post by maryland on Aug 20, 2014 21:23:56 GMT
You were doing something nice, but it seems that she doesn't appreciate it as much as you would think she would. But it's her first baby, so she may not understand how much clothes you go through. I love hand me downs for my kids! If it's not my favorite outfit, I can still keep it in the car in case we need it (spills, etc. while we are out). If she complained to you often about her financial situation, then I would be surprised that she didn't want the stuff. But if she never acted like she has a financial problem, maybe she doesn't and she wants to buy her own stuff.
That is so nice of you to help her out. If she doesn't want it, maybe you could give it to a homeless shelter. I bet they would appreciate it!
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Post by moveablefeast on Aug 20, 2014 21:37:00 GMT
I give a lot of hand me downs and anything I give away I give with the expectation that if someone doesn't like an item they will give it to Goodwill.
Shrug. I don't give away stuff I would otherwise have sold.
Count me in the not offended category.
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SuPeaNatural
Full Member
AUSTRALIA
Posts: 424
Jun 27, 2014 8:49:11 GMT
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Post by SuPeaNatural on Aug 20, 2014 22:03:54 GMT
I would have been a tad irked at first, but quickly would have put it down to her feeling stressed about her finances etc. But I would check with my friends to see if they wanted any of their stuff back when she's finished with it. It would be terrible if she gave it away and they considered it a loan rather than a donation, especially big things like the pram.
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Post by sues on Aug 20, 2014 22:16:49 GMT
Her not keeping everything would not annoy me. What would annoy me is her attitude changing from 'yes- ask your friends for things to help me out' (she could have said 'no thanks- I'm sure there will be a shower' easily enough) but then, after you and your friends went to the effort to gather these items for her - she seemed almost dismissive.
It has nothing to do with 'strings attached' or the new mom wanting to choose her own whatever. She proclaimed the need, the OP offered to help, and she accepted the offer. When people go to the time and trouble to help you in your time of need- it's ungrateful and rude to turn your nose up at the results. She should have accepted the items graciously- end of story. Then later, when she knew which items she doesn't need or want- she could have discreetly donated them. That would have been a win-win situation. Instead, she made you feel like you wasted your time (at the very least). It just wasn't a very nice way to handle the situation.
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raindancer
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,095
Jun 26, 2014 20:10:29 GMT
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Post by raindancer on Aug 20, 2014 22:17:43 GMT
A family member of mine is unexpectedly pregnant. Financially, she is not in a great place. She has a job and insurance but doesn't make a ton of money and I think daycare is going to take a lot out of her salary. I asked her if she would like me to ask some of my friends if they had baby stuff for her and she agreed. My friends have been very generous and I got a carseat, swing, stroller, etc. for her. I filled up two bags of baby toys from my kids and then another friend offered me a bunch of baby clothes. It is really nice stuff, all good brands like Gymboree, Carters, etc., not junk in bad condition. I called her (family member) to let her know about the clothes and she told me she is having a baby shower and she registered for clothes but she will look through the stuff I got and give it to Goodwill if she doesn't like it. I was a little irked by that. Personally, I am thrilled when people give me hand me downs for my kids as it saves me some money and I am always appreciative of what people give me. She seemed almost annoyed that I got stuff for her. It kind of hurt my feelings and I don't feel like in the future, I am going to go out of my way to get more stuff. It just stinks because I was trying to be helpful and make sure she has what she needs for the baby. Would you be hurt? I just feel bad because I feel like my friends have been so generous and they could have taken the clothes or baby gear and sold them, but instead they gave them to me and now the stuff may just end up sitting in Goodwill. I always loved and appreciated handmedowns, but I didn't love them all or want to dress my child in them so I got rid of those things I didn't care for. I don't see the issue? If she was asking everyone for help and then being snotty *maybe* I could see it, but you did it of your own free will and that should be the end of it. Do nice things, hand it over, and then it's up to people to decide what to do with it after that. It's out of your hands then. I hate when people do "nice" things for me with strings attached.
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Post by ajsweetpea on Aug 20, 2014 22:28:38 GMT
Her not keeping everything would not annoy me. What would annoy me is her attitude changing from ' yes- ask your friends for things to help me out' (she could have said 'no thanks- I'm sure there will be a shower' easily enough) but then, after you and your friends went to the effort to gather these items for her - she seemed almost dismissive. It has nothing to do with 'strings attached' or the new mom wanting to choose her own whatever. She proclaimed the need, the OP offered to help, and she accepted the offer. When people go to the time and trouble to help you in your time of need- it's ungrateful and rude to turn your nose up at the results. She should have accepted the items graciously- end of story. Then later, when she knew which items she doesn't need or want- she could have discreetly donated them. That would have been a win-win situation. Instead, she made you feel like you wasted your time (at the very least). It just wasn't a very nice way to handle the situation. Yes, that is exactly why I felt upset. Exactly. You said it better than I could. Thank you!
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Post by *Scrapper*Stamper* on Aug 20, 2014 22:29:54 GMT
She's not you. I would not put my child in baby in clothes just because they were given to me. I would put my child in clothes that I liked. Don't understand the irritation at all.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Sept 28, 2024 15:14:44 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 20, 2014 22:54:35 GMT
I don't think it was nice of her to tell you what she planned to do with the unwanted clothes. A simple thank you so much for all that you've done would be enough.
I'm also not buying these statements about first time mothers not knowing any better. Good manners are good manners.
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Post by hollymolly on Aug 20, 2014 23:08:54 GMT
Guineahen, Ashley, akathy, Lavender Layout, and Gravity said the things I wanted to say, so I don't have much more to add. Just this:
Please for the love of refupeas STOP doing things for people that they didn't ask you to do and then getting bent out of shape when the response was not what you wanted. Just stop. Before you do anything for anyone ever again, first think, what response do I need from this person I've decided to help out of the goodness of my heart? If the answer is anything other than "none" than don't do it.
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Sweets McPea
Junior Member
Posts: 75
Jun 25, 2014 23:03:39 GMT
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Post by Sweets McPea on Aug 20, 2014 23:31:48 GMT
I don't think it was nice of her to tell you what she planned to do with the unwanted clothes. A simple thank you so much for all that you've done would be enough. I'm also not buying these statements about first time mothers not knowing any better. Good manners are good manners. Exactly. Grace, kindness, and common fecking sense transcends babies made.
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jj
Shy Member
Posts: 48
Jun 26, 2014 19:11:33 GMT
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Post by jj on Aug 20, 2014 23:33:56 GMT
No, her reaction would not upset me.
This is why most organizations insist that donations be done anonymously.
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Post by melanell on Aug 20, 2014 23:36:07 GMT
I wouldn't mind her doing that, but I don't like how she said it to you.
You know something like "Thank you so much! I'll be happy to use some for little Susie and anything we can't use I will pass on to someone else." is much nicer to hear.
I get that you want to like the items you dress you new little baby in. I think that's totally normal, and if she has enough to afford her that ability then it's fine for her to do so. But again, show some appreciation to the person giving this to you.
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tiffanytwisted
Pearl Clutcher
you can check out any time you like, but you can never leave
Posts: 4,538
Jun 26, 2014 15:57:39 GMT
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Post by tiffanytwisted on Aug 21, 2014 4:19:53 GMT
I don't think it was nice of her to tell you what she planned to do with the unwanted clothes. A simple thank you so much for all that you've done would be enough. I'm also not buying these statements about first time mothers not knowing any better. Good manners are good manners. This. When I had my first I was fortunate enough to have 3 showers thrown for me. I received all my 'big ticket' items. I still did not turn down the hand-me-down clothes, etc. a dear friend offered. Even if it wasn't my taste, there were plenty of days when we didn't leave the house and I could put those outfits on him, saving the things I loved for 'public appearances'. Not to mention the weeks where I had a tough time keeping up w/the laundry. And it was nice having a spare stroller & car seat for my husband's car. And a bouncy seat (or whatever they have these days) for Grandma's. As far as I'm concerned, you can never have too much baby stuff! And yes, even if I do something out of the kindness of my heart, it is not unreasonable to expect a simple thank you.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Sept 28, 2024 15:14:44 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 21, 2014 4:30:17 GMT
Yes, it would bother the pants off of me!! You offered, she accepted, you performed (beautifully, i might add) - and now she has conditions?!?!? I've lad a long day and I'm a bit grumpy, so I'll swallow the rest of my response. IRL, I would probably need to sleep on it for a few days (while I held on to my friends' things) in order to calmly decide how to proceed. ETA -- bless you, that was a kind and sweet thing you did for the mother and baby!
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inkedup
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,837
Jun 26, 2014 5:00:26 GMT
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Post by inkedup on Aug 21, 2014 6:37:57 GMT
I'm thinking there are hurt feelings on both sides. Perhaps your family member was offended by the way you offered to help. She is pregnant and struggling financially; it could be that your words stung even though the intention behind them was good.
It does seem, though, that you are offended because you do not feel that she was appropriately grateful for the donations you gathered. Does the fact that she's financially strapped mean that she should take whatever anyone gives her and use it even if she doesn't need or want to? By the tone of your post, I am wondering if you are the kind of person who would remind her about the donations every time you see her, or make comments about not seeing her use the items you took it upon yourself to collect for her. Maybe that's why she felt the need to tell you that she probably wouldn't keep everything.
I have received a lot of hand me downs from friends and family. Some I kept and some I didn't. I have also given tons of old toys and clothes to friends and family. I've never expected that the recipients throw themselves at me with gratitude, or that the items would be returned to me once the recipient didn't need them anymore.
To be honest, this sounds like you wanted pats on the back for being so amazing. You likely went around to everyone you know (maybe people this person knows, too) and shamed this person for being financially shaky and collected unsolicited donations on her behalf. Is it really that hard to understand why she may not have been falling all over herself to thank you?
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