tincin
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Jul 25, 2014 4:55:32 GMT
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Post by tincin on Aug 21, 2014 7:49:39 GMT
I would ask her to take what she wanted and give the remainder to you so you can return it to the generous people who gave it.
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anniebygaslight
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Jun 28, 2014 14:08:19 GMT
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Post by anniebygaslight on Aug 21, 2014 11:23:26 GMT
She should be offended to have such a judgmental family member. Her finances or lack of are none of your business. She may have felt put on the spot when you asked about donations and agreed to accept the donations to pacify you. This is her first baby. She is just as entitled to a baby shower and things of her own choosing as someone who is in a great place financially. I agree with this, I'm afraid. Whilst I'm sure that you meant well, you have come across as bossy and interfering. Let the matter drop.
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Post by phoenixcov on Aug 21, 2014 12:19:33 GMT
Her not keeping everything would not annoy me. What would annoy me is her attitude changing from ' yes- ask your friends for things to help me out' (she could have said 'no thanks- I'm sure there will be a shower' easily enough) but then, after you and your friends went to the effort to gather these items for her - she seemed almost dismissive. It has nothing to do with 'strings attached' or the new mom wanting to choose her own whatever. She proclaimed the need, the OP offered to help, and she accepted the offer. When people go to the time and trouble to help you in your time of need- it's ungrateful and rude to turn your nose up at the results. She should have accepted the items graciously- end of story. Then later, when she knew which items she doesn't need or want- she could have discreetly donated them. That would have been a win-win situation. Instead, she made you feel like you wasted your time (at the very least). It just wasn't a very nice way to handle the situation. All the girl needed to say was a simple Thank You. Plain and simple good manners. Accept donations and then do with them as you like, no need to even mention passing them on.
sues says it better. I am surprised at some of the comments criticising the OP. I`m just going on the original information not trying to read between the lines and second guess what was going on.
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Post by I-95 on Aug 21, 2014 12:27:44 GMT
Wow, you got all of that out of what the OP posted? Read what she said, the donations were not 'unsolicited on her behalf' so she wasn't shaming anyone. Nor did she say she expected the recipient to fall all over herself with gratitude....my take on what she posted was she had offered to help a family member, said family member agreed, OP spent her time and energy to gather up some nice things only to have her efforts rebuffed and it hurt her feelings.
If I go out of my way to do something nice for someone, I don't expect them to be fawningly grateful, but I do expect an appropriate response like 'Oh, thank you so much, that's really sweet of you' That's just simple manners. What one doesn't usually expect is rudeness, or the receiver to be picky (which is also ill-mannered) Now if expecting the recipient to be appreciative of a gift you're giving them, especially one they said they wanted, is attaching strings...then I'll own that, but I also think that people who perceive that as 'strings attached' have some issues with their own self worth.
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Post by llinin on Aug 21, 2014 12:44:28 GMT
I want make sure I am understanding correctly. She said whatever clothes she didn't like she would pass on to Goodwill? Not the baby gear, car seat, etc. but just the clothes?
I wouldn't be upset. Here are a couple different scenarios to think about.
If you had given a bunch of baby clothes to a friend who has plenty of money, and she responded she would take the leftovers to Goodwill, what would your reaction be? Would you be offended? Would you think she was ungrateful? I think you'd likely think it was the normal thing to do. What would you personally do if someone gave you a bunch of clothes and you didn't need all of them? You wouldn't hoard them, throw them away, you'd likely donate them. Just because she is poor doesn't mean her motives and responses need to be overanalyzed.
What if your family member told you she was donating the leftovers so you would know she wasn't going to throw away the leftovers, that way you'd know she wanted to pass on your friends' generosity to other folks who need help and are thrifting? Maybe she wants to help someone out too if she has more than she needs. Maybe her family had taught her that ![;)](//storage.proboards.com/5645536/images/Q_m8lDOvc_3Le3r1GKdf.jpg)
Maybe she felt like she could tell you what she was doing with the leftovers since you are family and are obviously close enough to have a relationship. Tbh, no matter how poor I was, if I found out my family was so upset about what I did with some extra baby clothes they gave me that they posted online about it, I wouldn't want any of them.
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Post by I-95 on Aug 21, 2014 13:08:43 GMT
Guineahen said:
What the OP reported as the response she got was "she told me she is having a baby shower and she registered for clothes but she will look through the stuff I got and give it to Goodwill if she doesn't like it."
Now that's not quite spitting on the ground and saying it's a bunch of crap, nor does it sound like she was the least bit appreciative of the OPs efforts....efforts that the recipient had agreed would be helpful. If the OP had gone about this mission of her own accord, then the new mom's response would not be inappropriate at all, and the OP should not have felt put out by her response, BUT, that's not what happened. The new mom was asked, would she like the OP to gather up some items and the new mom AGREED...then I think her response is rude and ungrateful. It has nothing to do with her being poor, or a single mom, or less than anyone else, it has to do with basic decency. Someone does something nice for you, you respond appropriately...and that's by simply saying 'thank you, that was nice of you to do that' Who cares what she does with the stuff she receives? I doubt the OP cares either, but it's human nature to want people to validate your efforts...and anyone who tells you differently is delusional. Now if grandma gives you a cute outfit for the baby and every time she comes over she says 'I've never seen little Johnny wearing the outfit I gave you. Do you ever use it?' Then that might be considered a string, but there was nothing in the OPs post that suggested she was going to do that. Expecting someone to be appropriately appreciative of the effort they expended, at the recipient's request, is not a string. IMHO.
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Post by ahiller on Aug 21, 2014 13:32:14 GMT
[/quote] She proclaimed the need, the OP offered to help, and she accepted the offer. [/quote]
Did she actually proclaim the need though? Or did the OP take it upon herself to let the woman know she had a need? There's a big difference, imo.
Either way, I think the OP was trying to do something kind and I'm sorry she felt disappointed in the reaction. The woman receiving the items should have just said thank you and then done whatever she wanted with the stuff. It doesn't excuse the lack of manners, but I imagine that if she is financially strapped, she just might be excited at the prospect of getting some brand new items for her baby from her shower.
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Kerri W
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Jun 25, 2014 20:31:44 GMT
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Post by Kerri W on Aug 21, 2014 15:36:21 GMT
Did you give her all the awesome stuff your friends shared THEN continue to gather more stuff and take her the clothes? Maybe this is just my crazy way of thinking but here's how it may have gone in my head. "Wow how awesome for cousin to do this for me...her friends are really generous." Offer to have baby shower comes in. Cousin comes over again with more stuff. "Crap...now I look like a charity case. How embarrassing." I can see her pride taking a hit.
And I can't agree more about people doing things with strings/expectations attached. You did it to be loving and nice. Which you did. Your part is done. Would you all really rather the mom took the stuff and secretly took it to Goodwill instead of being honest?
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Post by Darcy Collins on Aug 21, 2014 15:49:05 GMT
I'm going to go with overwhelmed, pregnant lady and give her a pass. Of course it would have been more gracious to give a simple thank you and do whatever she wanted with the actual stuff. I also know that I didn't experience some of my more gracious moments while pregnant, and I was in a pretty ideal situation. I would also consider whether you went a bit overboard in your generosity. Even if your heart is in the right place, accepting charity can be difficult.
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inkedup
Pearl Clutcher
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Jun 26, 2014 5:00:26 GMT
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Post by inkedup on Aug 21, 2014 15:55:50 GMT
Wow, you got all of that out of what the OP posted? Read what she said, the donations were not 'unsolicited on her behalf' so she wasn't shaming anyone. Nor did she say she expected the recipient to fall all over herself with gratitude....my take on what she posted was she had offered to help a family member, said family member agreed, OP spent her time and energy to gather up some nice things only to have her efforts rebuffed and it hurt her feelings. If I go out of my way to do something nice for someone, I don't expect them to be fawningly grateful, but I do expect an appropriate response like 'Oh, thank you so much, that's really sweet of you' That's just simple manners. What one doesn't usually expect is rudeness, or the receiver to be picky (which is also ill-mannered) Now if expecting the recipient to be appreciative of a gift you're giving them, especially one they said they wanted, is attaching strings...then I'll own that, but I also think that people who perceive that as 'strings attached' have some issues with their own self worth. Yes, I did get that. The OP basically makes herself a martyr who selflessly collected clothing and toys for her financially unprepared family member. She goes on to act like this person is just awful (and an ingrate) for not being as grateful as she deemed acceptable. And what makes the person an ingrate in the OP's eyes? The broke family member apparently didn't say, 'oh, I will keep every single item you were amazing enough to collect for poor little me!' As for your charge that anyone who happens to disagree with the OP (and you) has 'some issues with their self worth...' I'll just say, 'wow. You got all that out of what (others) posted?'
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inkedup
Pearl Clutcher
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Jun 26, 2014 5:00:26 GMT
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Post by inkedup on Aug 21, 2014 16:01:03 GMT
I would ask her to take what she wanted and give the remainder to you so you can return it to the generous people who gave it. Who gives things away and expects to get them back? I have never asked for, expected, or wanted something I've given away to be given back to me.
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scrapaddie
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Jul 8, 2014 20:17:31 GMT
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Post by scrapaddie on Aug 21, 2014 16:06:55 GMT
If I understand, the pregnant woman said she would like you to Gather stuff. But another family member talked about the shower and donating?? If I am correct, then you need to talk to the pg woman
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Post by iamkristinl16 on Aug 21, 2014 16:38:54 GMT
I would be irritated as well. I would probably ask if she wanted to look through the stuff before registering, that way she can ensure she gets more of what she wants/needs. If you already have a nice swing (or clothes, etc) that she likes, why register for another one? Unless she has a ton of people that would be buying gifts, there are likely to be many things that she doesn't get off of her registry.
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tiffanytwisted
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Jun 26, 2014 15:57:39 GMT
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Post by tiffanytwisted on Aug 21, 2014 17:23:21 GMT
So it's not OK for the OP to call her family member an ingrate (which she didn't, btw) but it's OK for you to call the OP a self-appointed martyr?
And even if she did, what makes her ungrateful is that according to the OP she didn't say thank you. When someone gives you something, even if you only hinted that you needed it (by telling OP that she was worried about money w/the baby coming) and didn't ask for it outright, it is just good manners to say thank you.
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inkedup
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by inkedup on Aug 21, 2014 17:55:07 GMT
So it's not OK for the OP to call her family member an ingrate (which she didn't, btw) but it's OK for you to call the OP a self-appointed martyr? And even if she did, what makes her ungrateful is that according to the OP she didn't say thank you. When someone gives you something, even if you only hinted that you needed it (by telling OP that she was worried about money w/the baby coming) and didn't ask for it outright, it is just good manners to say thank you. I am as entitled to my opinion as you are to yours The OP asked for opinions and I gave mine. Just like you gave yours.
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Post by hollymolly on Aug 21, 2014 22:35:59 GMT
That's funny because when I was younger I was Very invested in how the recipient reacted to my gift. I got my feelings hurt big time at a baby shower for a close family member because I thought I had bought the cutest outfit in the world and the new mom just opened it and set it aside. She thanked me later, but I wanted a big OMG this is so cute!! reaction and didn't get it. All of that to say, when I was younger, these things upset me. I also had serious self-worth issues.
Now that I've been through tons of therapy and my self worth is pretty damn healthy, I don't even notice when someone opens my gift unless they call me out to say thank you right then and there. If I never got a thank you, verbal or written, I honestly wouldn't notice. Thank yous are nice, and I like knowing that I've made someone happy, but for me, the gifting ends when the present in is in the hands of the recipient. If they toss it in the trash on the way out the door, it doesn't matter to me, because it's no longer connected to me. It is now their property to do with as they will. Not my business anymore.
To the OP, I should have said this before, but yes, she should have said thank you. It's ok to be bothered by her lack of manners. Personally, I wouldn't be bothered, but I'm not you, and she was technically wrong to not say thank you. In the interest of keeping a good relationship, chalk it up to pregnancy hormones, whether you believe it or not. If this is a pattern of behavior with this girl, then you have 2 choices, give anyway and know that she will respond badly, or stop giving to her.
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caro
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Jun 26, 2014 14:10:36 GMT
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Post by caro on Aug 21, 2014 22:39:34 GMT
I don't see a problem with it. If she donated what she wasn't going to use and then you asked for it back, I could see you being upset. I think she just verbalized what many people would do with things they were given but do not need. I agree with this. Most of us have preferences and as long as she has everything that she needs for the baby, doesn't have to accept everything given just because of her financial situation. This.
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Post by renateb on Aug 21, 2014 22:51:15 GMT
As a new mom, she probably doesn't know the value of having two car seats. Most moms I know, even if not their first child get gifts of newborn clothes and stuff. It's about the 9 month mark when all of a sudden the gifts are no more. If you have the ability, hold on to the clothes that is larger size and give it to her closer to the time it will fit. I do remember my first born and that 12 month stuff looked huge and I was like "it will be forever before he wears that." HAHAHAH - the wisdom we acquire through experience.
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Rainbow
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Jun 26, 2014 5:57:41 GMT
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Post by Rainbow on Aug 21, 2014 23:04:50 GMT
I'd be a little irritated. She's probably young and self centered right now and I'd chalk it up to that.
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Post by perfectcircles on Aug 21, 2014 23:06:33 GMT
First time pregnant? If so, remember that time. We were all delusional about our expectations of what was needed, what was essential vs nice to have. I was fortunate to have a sister that brought me into the real world with what I thought I would need vs. what I thought I should have. Once she has that baby she just might be more grateful for everything, if she doesn't get rid of it first. This was my thought.
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Post by I-95 on Aug 21, 2014 23:10:28 GMT
Inkedup said:
No, she asked the family member if she'd like some used clothing/accessories, family member, who admitted she was broke and concerned about the financial stress of a baby coming, said yes. When the OP called to say she had the stuff the family member basically blew her off. Ingrate, yep. Doesn't matter what her financial status was, all she had to do was say thanks. Regardless of her financial status, the appropriate thing to do is graciously accept the gifts that she had AGREED she needed. If she had said thanks, if there's stuff there that I can't use, I'll donate it to Goodwill, I think the OP would have been fine with that. It was the lack of basic appreciation/thanks for your effort, that hurt the OP's feelings.
Indeed.
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Post by I-95 on Aug 21, 2014 23:16:45 GMT
HollyMolly said: Damn. All that money I spent on therapy and I still expect folks to be well mannered enough to say thanks for a gift! ![;)](//storage.proboards.com/5645536/images/Q_m8lDOvc_3Le3r1GKdf.jpg) Seriously, everything you wrote was very well said!
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Post by hollymolly on Aug 21, 2014 23:58:15 GMT
Thanks I-95. I have to say it felt weird not agreeing with you on every point. I'm usually pretty much in line with everything you post. Sometimes I have a big response in my head, and then scroll down and you've already said it.
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