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Post by ajsweetpea on Aug 20, 2014 16:18:38 GMT
A family member of mine is unexpectedly pregnant. Financially, she is not in a great place. She has a job and insurance but doesn't make a ton of money and I think daycare is going to take a lot out of her salary. I asked her if she would like me to ask some of my friends if they had baby stuff for her and she agreed. My friends have been very generous and I got a carseat, swing, stroller, etc. for her. I filled up two bags of baby toys from my kids and then another friend offered me a bunch of baby clothes. It is really nice stuff, all good brands like Gymboree, Carters, etc., not junk in bad condition. I called her (family member) to let her know about the clothes and she told me she is having a baby shower and she registered for clothes but she will look through the stuff I got and give it to Goodwill if she doesn't like it. I was a little irked by that. Personally, I am thrilled when people give me hand me downs for my kids as it saves me some money and I am always appreciative of what people give me. She seemed almost annoyed that I got stuff for her. It kind of hurt my feelings and I don't feel like in the future, I am going to go out of my way to get more stuff. It just stinks because I was trying to be helpful and make sure she has what she needs for the baby. Would you be hurt? I just feel bad because I feel like my friends have been so generous and they could have taken the clothes or baby gear and sold them, but instead they gave them to me and now the stuff may just end up sitting in Goodwill.  |
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Post by padresfan619 on Aug 20, 2014 16:21:02 GMT
I think I'd be annoyed but not upset. Someone has obviously offered to throw her a shower and she should be able to enjoy that part of having a baby.
It is her first baby, she doesn't have the wisdom of a well seasoned mother to know that you don't always need brand new everything for a baby.
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Post by gmcwife1 on Aug 20, 2014 16:21:56 GMT
I'd feel like it's her loss and no skin off my nose.
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scrappert
Prolific Pea
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Posts: 7,868
Location: Milwaukee, WI area
Jul 11, 2014 21:20:09 GMT
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Post by scrappert on Aug 20, 2014 16:22:14 GMT
Yeah, it would bother me too. I think I would feel the same way, I would not want to go out of my way in the future either.
I think what you did was great. Baby stuff is expensive, so all the help you can get is great. And clothes, geez, sometimes you are changing that baby 5 times in a day. Never too many clothes for a baby!
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Post by lbp on Aug 20, 2014 16:23:09 GMT
Yeah, that would have irked me too. I would tell her she can come by and see if there is anything she wants and you will sell the rest! I sure wouldn't be asking her again.
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Post by katlaw on Aug 20, 2014 16:24:04 GMT
I would be annoyed. She could have just taken the donations and donated what she did not want without telling you. Be gracious.
I would not collect any more donations for her though.
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Post by magentapea on Aug 20, 2014 16:34:59 GMT
I don't see a problem with it. If she donated what she wasn't going to use and then you asked for it back, I could see you being upset. I think she just verbalized what many people would do with things they were given but do not need.
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Post by dulcemama on Aug 20, 2014 16:52:35 GMT
I don't see a problem with it. If she donated what she wasn't going to use and then you asked for it back, I could see you being upset. I think she just verbalized what many people would do with things they were given but do not need. I agree with this. Most of us have preferences and as long as she has everything that she needs for the baby, doesn't have to accept everything given just because of her financial situation. |
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Post by papersilly on Aug 20, 2014 16:55:05 GMT
I would be annoyed especially considering her circumstances. however, you can't control what people do with the stuff you give them. if that was her opinion, she should have kept it to herself and donated it later without your knowledge.
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sharlag
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Posts: 6,574
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Jun 26, 2014 12:57:48 GMT
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Post by sharlag on Aug 20, 2014 16:56:51 GMT
Yes it would irk me.
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Post by mommaho on Aug 20, 2014 16:57:59 GMT
I would be annoyed - she probably has no clue what she needs and won't appreciate what you collected for her until she realizes that sometimes you need two car seats, etc. You have a good heart for helping her out!
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PaperAngel
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Jun 27, 2014 23:04:06 GMT
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Post by PaperAngel on Aug 20, 2014 17:00:08 GMT
Given your relative wanted you to gather donations, I also find it rude that she didn't graciously accept the baby necessities. Then, she could have used, sold, &/or donated the items as she pleased. By telling you her intentions, I can understand how you interpreted it as ungrateful or entitled. However, it doesn't negate your willingness to help someone in need & strive for an infant to have what he/she needs; you are thoughtful & kind for offering to do this for her! Invite her over at a specific time to choose what she wants, donate the remainder to someone else or Goodwill, thank your friends for their generosity, & consider never offering to collect items on her behalf again. Best wishes to you, her, & her unborn baby!
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loco coco
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,662 
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Post by loco coco on Aug 20, 2014 17:00:12 GMT
her loss and you are doing a great thing. when she needs a 2nd car seat she cant come crying to you!
i dont even have kids yet and I know this!
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 23, 2024 20:09:22 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 20, 2014 17:04:31 GMT
Well, yes and no.
It's annoying to feel like your actions and efforts aren't appreciated. But it's not as if she asked you for hand-me-downs from all of your friends and then turned her nose up at them. You offered. She could have taken them and donated all of them without saying anything, but then she'd be in a difficult place of someone asking for something back and she'd already donated it.
I've been on EVERY side of this situation, and no matter what, someone gets offended or hurt. I'm at the point now where I won't lend out anything old, and I don't even want people to give me items because of attached expectations.
When we had our first daughter, we were university students and didn't have a lot of money. DH's aunt told everyone -- repeatedly -- in front of us, that all we needed was "lots and lots of cheap stuff... just cheap stuff, nothing nice" because we were so poor so "lots and lots of cheap stuff" was good enough for us. That sort of stings.
I've received hand-me-downs from well-meaning family members, that were just awful. Not my style, completely outdated, stained and dirty, and worn out. And I was STUCK with them.
We received a hand-me-down baby swing and was told over and over again we had to take good care of it because it was SO expensive when it was purchased. It was well over 6 years old at that point, had been used by two babies, and wasn't worth anything any longer. But we were expected to keep it in case SIL ever had a baby...
I've shared old baby clothes, to never receive them back or even hear "oh, I'm sorry, I donated those when I didn't want them" when we had another baby.
I purposely purchased a Bumbo seat in a gender-neutral colour because I thought my sister would want it (she was expecting a boy when we bought it) even though we already had all girls.. and she never wanted it because she wanted to buy a new one instead.
I've received clothing for one DD and to this day still hear about how DD4 hasn't worn them and DD3 didn't wear them "enough".
I am extremely grateful for everything we receive, but at this point, the stress of worrying about pleasing everyone and making sure we take care of their precious new or used GIFTS is just too much for me to worry about.
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Post by rumplesnat on Aug 20, 2014 17:06:17 GMT
I would be irked and hurt for my friends who were so generous. She could have done what she told you she was going to do, but not said anything to you about it. That's tacky IMO.
Lesson learned for you if she should be in need again in the future..
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NoWomanNoCry
Drama Llama
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Post by NoWomanNoCry on Aug 20, 2014 17:07:30 GMT
I'd be a little annoyed sure. I have no issues with hand me downs for babies because they outgrow things so fast. At least you know that she will donate the rest to goodwill and it will be going to a baby who needs clothes anyhow. That's one way to try and look at it.
I wouldn't be collecting anymore for her though.
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Aug 20, 2014 17:12:05 GMT
I don't know if I'd be upset.
Is this her first baby?
Maybe she feels like her pride is injured, and maybe she feels that you are giving her charity and telling all your well-to-do friends that she is not capable of getting her own baby stuff, so to please give her their cast-offs.
Did she ask you to ask your friends for their used baby things?
Maybe she feels that you are being judgmental in deeming her "financially, not in a great place."
Just throwing some thoughts out there.
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Deleted
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Jun 23, 2024 20:09:22 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 20, 2014 17:12:02 GMT
Is she really young?
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Aug 20, 2014 17:13:30 GMT
I would not be annoyed. We were poor when my first was born and I shopped at thrift stores out of necessity. But that didn't mean I had no preferences or style. I had a friend with a baby 3 months older than mine and I hated everything he wore. It was all early 90s sugary sweet pastels and I was into the red, teal, purple combo that was popular in the late 90s. The swings and crib sheets she chose were opposite of mine. When I save up stuff for my SIL that my youngest outgrows, I always send a pic and ask if she wants it. Then I tell her it's totally fine if she doesn't. I hate when gifts come with strings, especially the "you'd better be grateful" kind.I totally agree with this, especially what I've bolded! |
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Post by alibama on Aug 20, 2014 17:16:37 GMT
I would have been annoyed. There are ways of doing things without hurting people feelings!
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DaisyDoodles
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Jun 25, 2014 20:32:07 GMT
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Post by DaisyDoodles on Aug 20, 2014 17:21:31 GMT
I am the type of person to go out of my way when someone needs help, so if I did all that and had someone respond such as your family member, then I would have been annoyed. I also probably would lean towards not being so helpful next time. I have a family member like that :/
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akathy
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Jun 25, 2014 22:56:55 GMT
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Post by akathy on Aug 20, 2014 17:24:18 GMT
I would not be annoyed. We were poor when my first was born and I shopped at thrift stores out of necessity. But that didn't mean I had no preferences or style. I had a friend with a baby 3 months older than mine and I hated everything he wore. It was all early 90s sugary sweet pastels and I was into the red, teal, purple combo that was popular in the late 90s. The swings and crib sheets she chose were opposite of mine. When I save up stuff for my SIL that my youngest outgrows, I always send a pic and ask if she wants it. Then I tell her it's totally fine if she doesn't. I hate when gifts come with strings, especially the "you'd better be grateful" kind.  We also were poor when I had my first and I couldn't agree with you more. |
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Post by annabella on Aug 20, 2014 17:26:25 GMT
WTF Wow Yes I would be offended and annoyed. I wouldn't call her again to arrange pickup/delivery, put all the initiative on her.
The polite and gracious thing to do is not tell you she gave stuff to goodwill.
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styxgirl
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Jun 27, 2014 4:51:44 GMT
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Post by styxgirl on Aug 20, 2014 17:28:07 GMT
I would skip the friend/family member and give the stuff directly to the mother-to-be.
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Post by originalvanillabean on Aug 20, 2014 17:29:17 GMT
Yes, and I wouldn't be offering up any more help. I know you meant well and that is what you need to remember - you meant it to sincerely help her, so just don't do anymore and know your heart was in the right place.
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Post by peasful1 on Aug 20, 2014 17:33:00 GMT
I would be annoyed on my friends' behalf and that I was so stupid and asked a favour of them needlessly. I'd probably just hold on to the stuff until after her shower and she can pull what she wants and then the rest I'd give back to the people who gave it to me so that *they* can take the tax write off on their donations if they choose to donate or in case they have someone else they'd rather give it to.
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Post by kimpossible on Aug 20, 2014 17:33:23 GMT
First time pregnant? If so, remember that time. We were all delusional about our expectations of what was needed, what was essential vs nice to have.
I was fortunate to have a sister that brought me into the real world with what I thought I would need vs. what I thought I should have.
Once she has that baby she just might be more grateful for everything, if she doesn't get rid of it first.
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Post by pierkiss on Aug 20, 2014 17:36:01 GMT
No. It's because this is her 1st baby that she is thinking like that. She will regret what she said to you within 3 months of having that baby, whether she verbalized it to you or not. I admit I had similar thoughts before I was pregnant and even during my pregnancy with our 1st. Fortunately I am smart enough to keep those thoughts to myself, so that I didn't upset anyone by saying it out loud. But I thought it.  . But once our baby grew out of newborn sizes, I was taking any clothes people wanted to send us, and I was thrilled about it!  She's young, and naive. |
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Gravity
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Jun 27, 2014 0:29:55 GMT
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Post by Gravity on Aug 20, 2014 17:38:03 GMT
She should be offended to have such a judgmental family member. Her finances or lack of are none of your business. She may have felt put on the spot when you asked about donations and agreed to accept the donations to pacify you. This is her first baby. She is just as entitled to a baby shower and things of her own choosing as someone who is in a great place financially.
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Post by my2apps2 on Aug 20, 2014 17:38:46 GMT
I might be a little annoyed, but only because I had gone to all that trouble to do something helpful and nice only to have it not be well received. Having said that, I was flat broke when I had my first baby...but it was still an exciting time for me and I wanted to go look at and buy all of the cute little things in the stores. I still took, and appreciated the second hand things that were given to me...and I would be willing to bet that your friend will be thankful and use much of it as well. But she is excited and wants to experience all of the fun that comes along with having a baby. If I were you, I would still give her the donated items and just tell her that you are so happy for her and hope that these things will help supplement anything she might purchase or receive as gifts. I think what you have done for her is very generous and she will see that in the end. |
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We also were poor when I had my first and I couldn't agree with you more.
. But once our baby grew out of newborn sizes, I was taking any clothes people wanted to send us, and I was thrilled about it! 
